Healing for daughters of narcissistic mothers

Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride

September 2, 2012

Found this book unexpectedly while visiting a new bookstore in my area. As soon as I saw the title, I immediately identified (my boyfriend even said it was basically meant for me) Throughout my life, I've dealt with issues stemming from living with a narcissistic mother. While she definitely tried to be a good mother, her own traumatic childhood resurfaced often. In her effort to protect herself, she developed what could be categorized as mild narcissistic personality disorder. I know beyond a doubt that my mother has this but it is a spectrum disorder so her narcissism could be considered mild. Nevertheless, it has affected my older sister and I in many facets of our lives (my older sister especially) and we struggle with self-esteem issues, trust issues, and assertiveness. Reading this book was amazing, not only because it was well-written but because I felt that I wasn't the only one who had experienced this. For many years, I would often wonder if maybe I wasn't just crazy or super sensitive when I felt my mother wasn't as forgiving or understanding as other moms. For years, my sister and I would cry together and wish we could leave. For years, I even wished my sister was my mother.
Following a recent extreme family situation, my mother has been brought face to face with her behavior. I can say that it seems she is making changes but will not assume that she has changed completely. However, I am still very proud and relieved that she is willing to improve herself in order to improve her relationship with her daughters. Without a doubt, I will come to this book again for personal use and I will consult it when dealing with client issues as well. This book is very dear to me and I find myself harboring love, admiration, and gratitude for its author because she helped me (and will continue to do so) in my journey towards healing.

psychology read-in-2012 relationships

Jen

20 reviews

March 10, 2011

A painful, yet necessary read. I'm really glad I picked this up. It provided some much-needed understanding and helped to guide the healing process.
I feel I still have much to learn and much to forgive but this book was a great starting point.
I *hope* nobody else needs this book, but I know that isn't true. I would recommend this to anyone in my situation. The testimonies from other daughters and even those of the author were eye-opening. I have never felt so un-alone in my life. I could have written some of the anecdotes myself!
I'm still in the anger stage but I've learned enough from this book that I can continue to move forward.
A note that has nothing to do with the book itself - I got my copy from the library. When I got home, I noticed a sticky note on the inside cover that said "You are always good enough to those who appreciate you." I thought it was great! I kept the original, copied it onto a new note and put the new one back in the book.

I first read this book and reviewed it in 2016. I went back to it this year due to memories coming up in my current trauma therapy for Complex PTSD. My Mother did so much damage.

This is the must have book if you grew up and/or still have a narcissistic mother or even suspect that you do. I am one of those unfortunate daughters.

Narcissistic mothers destroy their daughters on the inside. I was shocked to understand how much my mother's issues have truly shaped me, more importantly this book gave me the chapters I needed on how to heal from the cruel effects of it forever.

If your mother is on the narcissism spectrum ranging from full-blown NPD to having some traits then you've got a mother who cannot love, protect or give to a child in a healthy way. Children become empty broken vessels around these mothers. Self-esteem is eroded and a life is spent trying to hear the praise that will never come from her mouth.

The book is incredibly good. As I read of other women's stories in their commentary of their childhood, teen years and adult years it was like the book was written about my mother. I've read a lot of self-help books about the way my mother was but until now never quite hit the nail on the head. It validates your experiences. It's not all in your head.

It shares the "why" behind what mother does, shatters some lies that you have been believing about yourself, looks at how now as adults you are still living by that inner voice that sounds like your mother. Her criticism, ridicule, coldness and neglect are NOT your fault. This book is very healing.

I had to read over a few weeks as its bound to tap into emotions. You will totally understand this disorder at the end of it and because the book has specific chapters on how to heal, how to find the real you and what to do if your mother is still around now it's a must read book.

From the diagnostic criteria of narcissism to how that plays out in everyday life, finally a book that's easy to understand without a lot of confusing psychobabble. I can't believe I had this on the bookcase for years, I wish I had read it years ago.

It's opened up truth to me, taught me so much and brought much healing. My heart is that if you too have a narcissistic mother or are suspicious she might be that you can read this book, hug that child within and start to heal. It's incredibly important writing from this author.

5 huge stars from me. Cannot fault a thing about it. A life-saving book for daughters of mothers with narcissism. Brilliant.

Thanks for reading my review! Join me as a friend or follower and feel free to browse my shelves for your next great book!

You will always get very honest reviews from me. Remember..a book a day keeps brain fog away. 😻

abuse-themed-books-read dysfunctional-people maxines-favourites

Lola

39 reviews22 followers

This is an amazing book. Really, if you recognize yourself somehow in the title; read it. I actually already knew a lot of the stuff in the book because I was raised by narcissistic parents and diagnosed with some traits of the disorder when I was 20 years old. I had however conveniently convinced myself lately that I was 'cured'. Recent events proved me wrong. This year I had relationships with men who were basically as disinterested as my parents have always been, and after working very hard on a few projects after which everybody told me another version of 'you did fantastic', I only hated myself for not doing as well as I'd expected. And somehow I just couldn't feel angry anymore. With anyone for anything, except myself. I am never good enough for me, my parents or my ill-chosen boyfriends. After realizing this, I knew I was suffering from low self-esteem again. This book knocked me back into the Narcissism-corner, but has been a huge eye-opener.
I'm 23 now and realized while reading this book I kept unconsciously thinking I still somehow should have the love my parents never gave me. I've been trying very hard to make men (the wrong kind of course) love me, and to force my mother and father into the loving parents I want them to be; which of course, they won't ever become.
McBride says in her book its time I grieve for the child that never had a loving mother, and accept the time in which a human being is entitled to love has been over for a while now. That's hard. I need to, but really don't want to. I actually just want to find the next unsuitable emotionally-unavailable man, delude myself into thinking he loves me and feel happy for a little while. Sounds incredibly stupid, right? I want it so bad I somehow manage to ignore all the signs these men won't be good for me. They are like drugs somehow. After a while the guy withholds affection and I start working for it like a mouse in a wheel runner like I've been doing all my life with my parents. I know this now, again. I've decided I'm incapable of happy and real relationships as long as I haven't figured out how to love myself (and thereby others). I will stay single for a while. At the self-destructive rate I was going there soon wouldn't be very much left of me.
This book is something to hold on to. It is very painful to read, but the book makes it very clear that if I don't accept and grieve for what will never be, I will keep doing anything and everything to *gain* love. And I won't just simply love or know myself. Which would make for a very painful and anxious life.
Some call it boring, but I thought it was nice to have the book confirm everything I already knew. This book validates the real me, and has a third part designed to help women heal. I think it's a great addition to a personal journey to find yourself if you suffered under the rule of narcissistic and/or very critical parents.
I'm very grateful for the kind guidance Karyl McBride provides in this book. I would recommend it to any girl who will work for love.

I had such high hopes for this book, but was ultimately disappointed in the results I received from reading it. The book is in three basic sections: recognizing narcissism in your mother, how this narcissism affected you, and ending how it affected you. The first two sections helped me. I was able to definitively see that my mother was/is narcissistic and admit/define all the ways in which this fact created who I am today with all my many issues. Where this book ultimately fails is in the final and, to me, most important section of the book, the whole point of the book, the healing of yourself and moving on from all your baggage the narcissism brought into your life. What I found in reading this book is that it left me horribly sad and angry with very little tools on how to FIX these feelings. The work the author suggests you do is very high school (journals and poster-board pasting) and simply did not speak to me in any way. Did I learn things about my mother, myself, and our relationship. yes. Did this help me in some way? yes. Am I healed and in any way better off for the experience? not really. I would not recommend this book to anyone really because of the way it left me hanging at the end. I am thankful to have a clearer image of my problems and why I have them, but I was mainly doing this exercise to heal, and this book did NOT give me that.

It was if the author had been observing every aspect of my life for the past 46 years. Her perspective as a "daughter" gave her an authenticity I have not felt in other books. I learned a lot about myself and my future.

To the nay-sayers: It's unfortunate that you are unable to empathize with others who have truly experienced an NPD mother. Perhaps you would benefit from some introspection before blaming books or society for bringing this taboo subject to light.

self-help

I don't think I have ever read a book which resonated more with me or touched me on such a deep emotional level. It is personal and intimate, not one of those emotionally detached self help books - and deals with explaining how if you had a critical mother who always had to be center stage and was on some level totally incapable of showing real love you are not alone. This book explains that daughters of narcissistic mothers may be subject to projection, jealousy, and envy because you are viewed as her extension (or shadow). It finally made sense. If you are a daughter of a narcissistic mother this is the most honest and forthright book I have come across and one I will use in the future to reinforce my recovery.

Becky

373 reviews165 followers

Oh, if only this book existed 25 years ago ... but, better late than never. Thank you, Dr. McBride, for this. Thank you.

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Antigone

496 reviews734 followers

If I had one piece of guidance to offer on the subject of self-help and psychological books it would be the following: Keep in mind that everyone is a work-in-progress - including the folks who claim to possess a solution to a problem.

Karyl McBride is a licensed therapist with twenty-five years of clinical experience. A number of those years have been devoted to research concerning the children of narcissistic parents. She also happens to be the child of a narcissistic parent. The benefits are clear. Not only does she possess the education and professional history required to tackle this topic in a productive way, she also has first-hand knowledge to draw upon. The potential detriment is not quite so distinct, yet it is a reality all readers must allow for. No one escapes their damage.

Dr. McBride does a fine job introducing and illuminating the issue of narcissistic parenting. She draws from hundreds of interviews with the daughters of radically self-focused mothers to illustrate the depth and scope of the injury done. For this reason alone, the book is a worthy one. Too few of the victims of this soul-crushing form of maternal interaction are aware there are others out there; that they are not alone. That unawareness works to the parent's advantage, perpetuating the false assertion that the daughter is (and always has been) the problem. Not true - and this book will give that information to you. Where it faltered, to my eye at least, was in the midst of its "Three-Step Recovery Model," where things got awfully bleak and dictatorial. It felt like someone's narcissistic mom stopped by to take over. A certain sensitivity went missing that had been fully present before, and that was disappointing.

Again, though, I must point out that everyone is a work-in-progress. This may be easier to see in artists - musicians, painters, dancers, the occasional literary genius - but it's true of all of us. Even licensed professionals.

philosophy-psychology

When you discuss your life issues with your mother, does she divert the discussion to talk about herself? Does your mother blame things on you or others rather than own responsibility for her feelings or actions? http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/...

These are just a few of the questions on the survey to determine if your parent is a narcissist. I always assumed that narcissism meant that a person was vain, and realized this is not completely so. This book was an eye opener and gave me the tools I needed to heal and grieve.

Without going into a lot of personal detail, I struggled for years not being able to understand my mother or why she never understood me. Now I understand that a narcissist cannot see their child as an individual person with unique interests and preferences because everything about that child is filtered through a distorted lens of their own reality. If the child does something to anger the parent, the parent will not accept responsibility for any action or emotion they exhibit as a result of their own feelings. What they want, what they feel, is the most important thing in any relationship. They are entitled and are not able to empathize unless the situation mirrors their own life.

The best part about this book learning how to heal, recognizing narcissist behavior, accepting that they will not change, as well as how to have a relationship - or how to let them go should the need be. Understanding why a narcissist cannot empathize or love in the way that normal parents do takes the burden and frustration, mostly, away.

I have had to grieve the fact that my mother will not change. I cannot expect her to be someone other than who she is. The only thing I can control is how I react to her and my expectations.

Enjoli

9 reviews3 followers

This book has helped me immeasurably! It's personal and has enough detail to make you nod in understanding yet general enough to leave room for individuality. I loved it.

Solita

195 reviews4 followers

This book explained so much. Wow, I tried and tried to be good enough, and I just couldn't get it right. Now, I realize, I'll be damned, it wasn't me, it was her! For her, I never will be good enough. I always felt there was something not right about my mother, but I couldn't get anyone to listen or understand. About eleven years ago, a therapist I was seeing (not the first, or the second, or even the third) told me my mother is a narcissist (she inadvertently met her). My mother is not overtly cruel, but very subtle, quite insidious. She's vain, arrogant, and harshly judgmental of everyone else and their mother. Even as a child, before I could even articulate it, I was amazed and wondered how it was that my mother was the ONLY perfect mother and human in the world! "OTHER people, but not me," she always said. The old bat is 89 now, and she hasn't changed. I don't keep in touch. I'm grateful I have more clarity. I'm grateful I overcame depression. I'm grateful to be alive. Perhaps my father might have had a chance to stay sober without falling off the wagon if he had understood that he could never be good enough for her, not in a million years, may he rest in peace. My youngest sister, my mother's "golden child", I noticed about six years ago, is becoming more and more like my mother. It's so f'ng Twilight Zone. I don't keep in touch with her either. I'm already 63, but from now on, I do my best, always, and if I'm not as good as I wish, well, I'm still good enough, because I did my best.

1/16/2023 Reading this, after my mother died a month ago at the age of 99, with dementia, in a care facility, behaving as my last therapist of 20 some yrs ago guessed she would, and having mourned her loss all those years ago, I was not devastated, but it does impact. You will feel sad. I regret that in the above review I referred to her as "the old bat." That was meant to be cruelly comical. It was a sting of anger prompting me to do that. But I processed grief years ago, plus maintained physical and emotional distance, and this helped buffer and reduce the anger and pain. It becomes manageable, acceptable. Make peace with that, so that when your damaged mother passes, it will not devastate you, leaving you with unresolved issues. (Like a friend of mine. tsk tsk.) A mother can damage us, but it is up to us to heal ourselves. And that is possible! I feel sorry for my mother. My sense is that trauma made her like that. I'm not forgetting what she did, but I understand she couldn't help it. RIP, Mother.

Gaby

163 reviews12 followers

My first and last self-help book. What can I say, I was desperate enough to think it might help. The first part of the book is about learning to identify the different ways narcissistic behavior is manifested. This was useless, as I assume readers have already acknowledged this is an issue in their lives, otherwise they wouldn’t be reading in the first place. The rest of the book was too anecdotal. Nothing wrong with examples, I just feel case studies would have made a stronger impression than one or two isolated and conveniently hand-picked snippets (especially when they were examples from movies- just no). For the “overcome it!” part, the author suggests some exercises that I’d be truly embarrassed to try, such as cutting pictures from magazines to make a collage of the woman I want to be, or cradling little-girl-me in a rocking chair and giving her belated maternal love. This is not to say the book didn’t have some interesting observations, or that it’s a complete waste of time, but there is equally good free material online. For instance, the subreddit “Raised by Narcissistic Parents” offers broader anecdotal material in addition to helpful links and information on narcissism and recovery in general. Still, I suppose this could be interesting to those who are new to narcissism. Just don’t expect too much.

My therapist recommended this book to help me learn about my narcissistic mother and get some tips in overcoming the guilt I feel for breaking contact with her.

This book is very good - it covers everything from understanding the narcissism spectrum, to recovering from your dysfunctional childhood, to dealing with your mother in the present tense.

I recommend it highly to anyone with a similar issue.

Lisa H

287 reviews15 followers

I picked this book up on a fluke. I was at the campus bookstore trying to kill time. At first I didn't think that my mother was narcissistic . .. then I started reading it.
I discovered that she in fact had many of traits and it was like reading about my life in book form.
I will be revisiting this book as I proceed with my healing and self discovery.
I am just so glad to have this resource on hand. I have already recommended this book to one of my friends and it is more than likely that I will recommend it to others as well.
And you know what?
I AM GOOD ENOUGH!

non-fiction own psychology

Chantal

872 reviews118 followers

Good book with good content and guiding in the recovery direction. Lots of examples of how it is and what happens to a child when they become an adult. Last part of the book is about how to recover. Good book and very helpful!

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Anita

19 reviews2 followers

As a "survivor", this book did far more to help me than three visits with an EAP therapists. The author truly "gets it", and I no longer feel alone and/or "crazy". She really helped me to learn that I can validate myself and I don't need external validation from anyone, especially not my mother. It also explained my father's contradictory behavior. Quite frankly, I credit him, when he would take my brother and I out alone (to give mom some "me" time) with saving us from total meltdown/destruction.

Excellent book!

This book was really interesting for me. Amazing to see how there are so many people out there who are dealing with some of the same issues I am. I recommend this book to anyone who has had issues with their mother and who are living with the "I'm not good enough" internal message. It's also helpful for those of us that do not want to continue the cycle with our own children.

my-library read-in-2008 self-help

MAN did i underline a lot of this book. there is a lot of comfort in knowing there are others out there thinking and experiencing what you have thought and experienced. it validates all the reasons you have for pawning off why you are who you are because of things and people shaping your personality. and it gives the keys and permission to move beyond and get over it.

I found this book Saturday and finished it Sunday. It describes my mother to a T. It has helped me to see everything written out and know that other people have these problems. Her tips for relationships and dealing with your past are very good.

This is a great book and a book I think would be so helpful to so many women out there who were raised by narcissistic mothers. I don't mean ones that were actually diagnoesed that way but ones that had enough of the symptoms to create daughters that were self doubting, insecure, never able to have good relationships,and more importantly never good enough for anyone including themselves. This was so helpful to me. It is not about blaming the mother but about healing yourself and ultimately forgiving your mother and moving on into a hopefully much better space and understanding. You need to do the exercised in the book as part of the healing process. I don't think you can truly benefit from the extent of the harm unless you do the work that goes along with reading the book. The work you do on your own is probably the most important thing. It is not easy but in order to get through to the pain you need to feel it and to ever be able to move on you must face and feel the pain from the past. It is worth it!

um...I think this was the best book I have ever read when facing the issues I have had with my mother. In fact, no other book has EVER come so close (actually nailing it on the head) to the truth of what has happened our relationship growing up together. My therapist had gently insisted I read this and I reluctantly bought it last week. I didn't even THINK that my mother was narcissistic....because I didn't even know what narcissism was (in the clinical sense). This book explained in the simplest terms that I was able to relate to. This book is a gem of truth and revelation!!

Claire

104 reviews35 followers

I give this book two stars - a relative assessment given there was nothing new to me in this book and that it didn't quite capture the flavor of narcissistic parenting I am accustomed to. However I can see how five stars would be given by those at the start of their reflective journey as its likely this book will - as others have commented - illuminate a heck of a lot for you.

What I found missing was more commentary on the narcissistic parent that arises from other psychological impairment such as chronic depression or dissociative trauma psyches themselves. The narcissism that arises from these seem to have a slightly different tone and presentation yet commensurate intent and impact as that presented in the book.

The book provides structure and some helpful exercises to heal oneself, however the support of a therapist needs to be stressed I feel - it is tough work, and only new relational experiences are likely to heal the deepest wounds which individuals become accustomed to enacting. There is a lot of talk about being ones own inner mother - I agree with this but also think individuals should be careful not to fall in the protective trap of being overly self-sufficient.

attachment personality trauma

I am distrustful of most self-help books & cannot help but question the credentials of a "licensed marriage and family therapist" who poses for her book jacket in an off the shoulder blouse. On the other hand, I picked up this book (before I saw the book jacket) because a friend of mine has issues with a very difficult parent & it was right on the money, down to predicting how a same-parent would respond to various scenarios.

The 'checks' to see if it really is her are reasonable, the advice on handling her is acceptable & the advice on handling yourself is outstanding: get to a therapist before you turn into her & really start hating yourself.

Finally it was nice to read a book on counseling that did not have reuniting as the automatic, ultimate goal. The author realizes that some people just cannot be happy unless everyone around them is unhappy & there is no point in pretending it just is not so. Her advice on that front is reasonable, too. Distance yourself & be polite.

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Who says parents don’t cause mental illness?! The legacy may be multi-generational, but let’s not fool ourselves into thinking parents can do no harm. Yes, parents can harm their children, and the result can be mental illness in many forms deriving from a profound lack of trust—an inability to attach in a healthy way.

This book is an eye opening meditation on narcissism, yours and theirs with lots of useful qualitative data. It has implications for personality disorders in general. I’m glad I read it!

Erin

5 reviews11 followers

Wish I could have read this YEARS ago, but so glad I read after it was recommended to me. If you grew up with conditional performance based love from your mother, this is a must read! I've attended Dr McBride's workshop and she is extremely knowledgeable and has given advice that works!

This book explains the mechanisms functioning in families of narcissistic women, and explains what they are capable of. It also gives some reasonably-looking ways out, and explains how not to hurt your own children.

how-to-do-everything-better mommie-dearest us

As the title of the book would indicate, Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, offers insight into a rather challenging topic. Mothers are prevalently considered by society to be inherent nurturers and empathetic care-takers; this assumption is so ingrained that one of the worst things you could possibly call a woman is a “bad mother.”

Yet, for many of us, we know that this is not true for everyone. Narcissistic Personality Disorder appears more frequently in men than women, but when it appears in a mother it can leave children with a number of bizarre issues that last into adulthood. That is where this book comes in, and I honestly found it to be both insightful and helpful. It’s hard to discuss the realities and memories from having a narcissistic mother, but having the foundational vocabulary to describe the seemingly indescribable chaos, as well as the tools for self-reflection and analysis, are ultimately what’s necessary for long-term healing.

Overall, this book was super helpful, and if this is a topic you want to learn about (or heal from yourself) then I do recommend giving it a go. For what it’s worth, my therapist specifically recommended it to me, so while I am not a licensed clinical therapist myself, the book does have the stamp of approval from at least one.

McBride's book is sorted into sections that work well. It begins with identifying whether you indeed grew up with a narcissistic mother (spectrum disorder as covered in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), then how this situation affected your life, and concludes with Ending the Legacy, which may help a grown daughter not pass along the experience she had to her children. I looked for a book when I had a recent - as the author describes it - collapse. The effects of narcissism are lifelong, and even with attention to healing, we get hammered occasionally. The section on healing is valuable. We need to create a loving internal mother who can hug us when we're down, pick us up, and provide unconditional love. The new information I found in this book is about fathers and the role played in a narcissistic household, which is a piece I was hoping to identify. Now I know and can add that insight into my coping efforts. This book contains good information, although I dispute that it's the first book specifically for daughters. The piece that lost the book 2 stars is the excessive use of quotes from clients, causing it to read more like an endorsement for clinical practice than a guide. Note to other adult daughters: if you think you've had this life experience, please do find a therapist who will work well with you to find your path to wholeness.

Fiona

1,211 reviews222 followers

This may be 13 years old now, but the advice and insights provided here have aged remarkably well. There's perhaps one short section that shows its age, but the rest taps into a truth that really resonated, and has actually been a reference I come back to over the years.

non-fiction

Healing for daughters of narcissistic mothers with Amanda Robins.

Reclaim Your Authentic Self

Has your relationship with your mother always been fraught?

Do you often feel like you are thinking through a fog when you interact with her?

Does your mother deny, invalidate, belittle and contradict you?

Do you feel like you don’t deserve love?

Do you often feel guilt or shame even though you have done nothing wrong?

Are you a perfectionist?

Do you have trouble saying no?

Do you have trouble trusting others?

Do you feel like you never get what you want or need from relationships?

You’ve probably spent a lot of time trying to work out what’s wrong and why you feel this way.

You’ve no doubt felt confused and frustrated. You probably blame yourself. There are dark places in your psyche where you just don’t want to go. And you often just feel alienated and sad. You might be overwhelmed by competing demands and your own inability to practice good self-care.

Narcissistic mothers create daughters who are people pleasers.

These emotionally neglected and abused children often forget who they are in the struggle to maintain relationships. They may choose partners/friends who are demanding and self-focused, perhaps even narcissistic. Daughters of narcissists grow up in an environment where their authentic self is blocked, dismissed and invalidated.

Encouraged to meet their mother’s needs, they are often blamed or rejected for trying to meet their own needs, or for asking for help.

Narcissistic parenting creates huge problems for the growing child.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers often become enmeshed with their parent, losing contact with their true self and growing up without boundaries and without the ability to recognise or nurture healthy relationships.

Underneath all these other issues, lies a fundamental problem with their sense of self.

As an adult you may feel like something is wrong but have no idea what it is.

You may have problems with relationships and boundaries. You might also have issues with agency, having been encouraged into enmeshment and helplessness as a child.

You might be an underachiever, never having reached your true potential. Through self-sabotage or bad decision making, you fail, even at pursuits where you know you have the talent and commitment to succeed.

Or maybe you are a high flyer, working until you drop, but always feeling like an imposter, undeserving of the rewards and achievements that you have worked so hard to secure. For those who do well in their professional life, there is always a cost. At home, their relationships can feel cloying, distant or exploitative, even while they climb the career ladder.

For daughters of narcissistic mothers, the journey to healing begins with the first step.

This difficult first step is to recognise there’s a problem and decide you want to do something about it.

As your eyes open, you will start to reflect on your relationship with your mother, seeing her manipulation, white lies, blame-shifting, gaslighting, anger and unpredictability for what they really are.

Part of a pervasive pattern of narcissism.

It can take a while to reach this point.

I know.

I’ve been there.

My mother was perfect in my eyes (and the eyes of my siblings) for much of my adult life. I had to be perfect to please her, so I thought the problem was me. Sure, I had problems. But she was the root cause of most of them. Of course, that didn’t (and doesn’t) absolve me from working on myself to untangle the issues that are her legacy.

We can waste a lot of time being angry and spreading blame, but in the end it is up to us to make our lives what we want them to be. Whether we choose to stay in contact with our narcissistic parent or not.

Hi, my name’s Amanda and I’m a clinical social worker, psychotherapist and the daughter of a narcissistic mother. With the help of psychotherapy, self-compassion and reflection I have healed my own wounds. That’s why I know I can help you too.

Although I have been trained in social work, trauma therapy and counselling, I feel like my most significant qualification is surviving a narcissistic family.

I can understand your pain and struggles on a deeper level and I know what it takes to heal.

HEALING THE MOTHER WOUNDS OF WOMEN WHO HAVE BEEN RAISED BY NARCISSISTS.

Narcissistic mothers often traumatise and emotionally abuse their children, often without meaning to. Daughters are left with ongoing feelings of low self-esteem, shame and hopelessness. Women raised by narcissistic mothers often blame themselves, because they feel like they are “not good enough” and are somehow wrong or unloveable.

Survivors of narcissistic parenting usually feel like something’s “not quite right.

Daughters often have ongoing and unconscious feelings of shame and worthlessness. Sometimes when we have a history of childhood trauma from narcissistic parents we won’t be aware of these feelings, but they are nevertheless there, running in the background and making us feel bad.

Being raised by a narcissistic mother is not the same as having a narcissistic boss, boyfriend, neighbour or colleague. It is much more impactful and insidious.

A narcissistic mother damages your sense of self.

When I started therapy, I didn’t know who I was. Although I had been successful in my career as an artist, it all came crashing down when my high flying role at a university ended. I was left feeling like I had no anchor. I felt worthless and lost.

I started therapy to work out what was going on and I made the life-changing decision to study social work.

As my therapy unfolded, I realised that I had been working hard and achieving to try to ward off the terrible feelings of worthlessness I had lived with most of my life. As I healed I realised I had a passion for helping others. I wanted to work with other women who had been wounded by a narcissistic mother.

How to get the life you want when you have been raised by narcissists.

The first problem is that you might not even know what you want. When your sense of self has been damaged by narcissistic parenting, you will have lost contact with your true feelings and desires. Many people have been wounded in childhood, but that is not the same as the deep, pervasive wounding caused by narcissistic mothers.

There is hope.

The good news is that I know I can help you. I have helped many women just like you. They are struggling to manage their relationships, including the difficult and damaging relationship they have with their mother. They also struggle with boundaries and self-care. Deep down they are filled with shame and self-loathing. I know I was.

Therapy with me is not just about surfaces. It is not like relationship coaching or skills training.

I will take you deeper into your wounded self, to truly heal and live the life YOU want to live. I want you to develop the self-awareness and compassion needed to truly connect with your authentic self and to nurture your inner child.

When you work with me, we will explore your healing pathway through art and visual imagery. I will help you get in touch with the healthy life-enhancing creativity you may have repressed in your struggle to be accepted. That doesn’t mean that you need to have a background in art or a talent for drawing. Just that sometimes, your right brain is smarter than you think.

HOW NARCISSISTIC PARENTING WOUNDED YOU

I know that just like me, you feel things deeply. As a child you reacted strongly to the shaming and emotional abuse you suffered. Your narcissistic mother probably used shaming as a parenting strategy and maybe she projected her unwanted shame onto you. This is incredibly toxic for a young child because they just are not developmentally ready to deal with these distressing emotions. Narcissistic mothers will generally not work to repair or soothe the hurt they have caused. Mothers who are narcissistic will often shame and blame their children to rid themselves of the bad feelings they experience.

If you are like me, understanding and recognising your shame is part of the healing process.

Psychotherapy with me is different. It is not like the CBT or skills based work that you might have tried before. I will help you reach deep inside yourself to heal the painful wounds caused by narcissistic parenting. I will help you develop the self-awareness and compassion that will allow you to resolve the pain and shame you feel everyday.

I can help you get your life back and connect with your true self.

Counselling for daughters of narcissistic mothers can help you by encouraging you to develop self-awareness around your emotions. Working with me, you’ll learn how to understand and manage your feelings. Even though you may have lost touch with how you really feel, I will encourage you to experience your authentic self safely, and stay in contact with the feelings which you repressed to survive your abusive childhood.

I WILL HELP YOU FEEL SAFE.

In order to heal the deep wounds of trauma from narcissistic parenting, I will need to help you access the pain and distress which are buried inside you. I will allow you to sit with the strong feelings of trauma and learn to experience them without being overwhelmed.

You will become stronger and more resilient as you learn to understand and develop compassion for your wounds.

WHY PAYING ATTENTION TO THE BODY IS IMPORTANT FOR DAUGHTERS OF NARCISSISTIC MOTHERS

Human beings are not minds trapped in bodily “containers”. We are designed to be whole and connected, with our bodies and minds intrinsically joined . Even the language we use to describe our bodies and feelings is inherently skewed.

Our wellbeing depends on so many factors.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers will often have complex trauma. CPTSD impacts your body and remains “stuck” inside you in ways that are hard to define and impossible to verbalise. Sometimes in therapy, the verbal content of a session isn’t the most important information. When you work with me, I will look at your body language, posture, tone of voice and the feelings that you have as you are talking. These are vitally important. They will often tell me more about what is going on than your words.

For people with complex trauma from narcissistic mothering, the body will hold much of their pain and distress.

Mothers who are narcissistic inevitably traumatise their children, sometimes without meaning to. Trauma that occurred early on when you didn't have words for your experiences won’t be able to be talked about directly. For the healing journey to progress, it must be sensed by a somatically (or body) oriented trauma therapist who will help you reconnect with your body to understand and resolve these initially unknowable feelings. The very early trauma you experienced that has been left in your body is often re-experienced when triggered as intense, wordless pain – a pain that you live with everyday without knowing.

Therapy with me will help you learn to recognise specific body-based trauma sensations. Getting in touch with this body knowledge is a major step for daughters of narcissistic mothers as it will allow you to understand what is going on for the first time.

Once you have learnt to recognise and name the feelings and bodily (or somatic) sensations of trauma you will be able to practice more self-compassion. If a situation is triggering for you, you will learn to give yourself the freedom to leave, avoid, or in some cases, engage. With your newly honed skills in communication and self-care, you will be able to have more authentic and intimate conversations with those you care about.

Instead of automatically responding based on fear or unconscious trauma reactions, you will have choices.

As we work together, I will encourage you to develop distress tolerance and self-soothing skills. This will help you make your trauma more manageable on the way to the longer-term goals of healing and post-traumatic growth.

Therapy with me is not just about resolving pain.

Counselling will allow you to finally access your intrinsic healing powers and begin the rewarding process of post-traumatic growth.

I will help you discover a new, more connected and more joyful self.

Without it you will stay stuck in the painful emotions and automatic responses triggered unconsciously by the trauma of being raised by narcissists. With targeted and individualised therapy you can heal your mother wounds and become the self you were always meant to be.

What could be more important than that?

WHAT CAN I EXPECT FROM SUCCESSFUL COUNSELLING?

As you resolve your trauma through psychotherapy, you will come to enjoy life more.

Your life will feel richer, more joyful – and more connected. Through practice and exploration, you will develop better boundaries which will allow you to be closer to those you love. Therapy will help you learn new skills to cope with life’s challenges. Your relationships will be more rewarding and you will find you get on better with others at home and at work.

But more than this, I will help you develop a deeper and more compassionate relationship with yourself, where the pain and shame that you have experienced in the past will no longer dominate.

As you develop this new and rewarding conscious awareness and self-compassion, you will be ready to create a life that is truly worth living.

You May Still Have Some Questions About Counselling for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.

WHAT IF THERAPY TRIGGERS ME OR I FEEL OVERWHELMED?

Women who have been raised by narcissists often have CPTSD. They will normally be dealing with ongoing trauma symptoms. In this situation, safety is an important consideration. Rest assured that I will support you and ensure that you feel safe before we start to explore some of the more difficult material that must be resolved in order for deeper healing to take place. The therapy will be paced at a tempo that is individually targeted and right for you. In general I find that it’s best to schedule weekly sessions at the same time. The structure of the therapy, including its boundaries and the predictability and frequency of sessions can help contain you. This is part of what heals.

WILL I NEED TO FORGIVE MY MOTHER?

Therapy is NOT about forgiveness. It will be up to you whether you have the emotional space to forgive. Although for some people, forgiveness is part of moving on, everyone’s healing journey is unique. Therapy can uncover traumatic memories and experiences that you would rather had not happened, but it’s NOT about blaming others. You may find that some of your relationships are contributing to your feelings of distress, so we can explore these issues. Counselling will help you understand and resolve your trauma, but alongside your growing self-compassion you may start to understand the reasons for other’s behaviour as well.

SHOULD I GO NO CONTACT?

The decision to remain in contact with your narcissistic mother is not one to take lightly. There are many factors to consider, including the rest of your family, your children and siblings. Discussing this issue and weighing up the pros and cons will be part of your therapy with me. It is worth considering that you may never get the validation or acknowledgement you seek from your mother - or your siblings.

IT SOUNDS LIKE THIS WILL TAKE A WHILE: HOW WILL I KNOW THAT IT IS WORKING?

Counselling for daughters of narcissistic mothers involves developing a trusting, warm and safe therapeutic relationship with your therapist. I will make sure that you can feel safe in exploring your feelings with me. Because daughters raised by narcissistic mothers have experienced trauma in their attachment relationships, trust will be important. The empathetic, caring, non-judgmental and non-shaming relationship that we develop together is what will help heal you. This can take a while to develop and there may be ups and downs during this time, where you might feel stressed or upset. That’s normal for any therapy.

The therapy will need to be trauma informed because your wounds have been caused by trauma. A trauma-focused therapist will help you learn to trust again. You will also learn to manage your emotions, self-soothe and eventually develop a stronger, more stable sense of self.

It’s normal to expect some results in the first six months with weekly sessions, however for severe narcissistic wounding it may take up to two years to really progress. Getting beyond defences and into the trauma can take many months, because it requires building trust. Daughters of narcissistic mothers often have problems with trust because they have been betrayed and exploited by those closest to them.

Women who have been raised by narcissistic mothers will usually have fundamental problems with their sense of self. It can take a while to reconnect with your true self, so it is wise to be patient with yourself and with the therapy.

As the therapy unfolds you’ll start to notice that you will become calmer, more confident, less easily triggered and able to enjoy life much more.

WHAT IF I FIND OUT I AM NARCISSISTIC?

Children of narcissists can sometimes develop narcissistic traits. That is the reality. But we all have narcissistic tendencies – every one of us. We get past them because we want to relate to others and have a realistic approach to relationships. We have faith in ourselves and come from a solid base of empathy and belief in things beyond ourselves. That is what it means to truly connect.

Narcissism is by definition a need to be self-focused. The trauma you experienced through narcissistic parenting in childhood may have resulted in some narcissistic traits. But that trauma is not your fault. That doesn’t mean that you are absolved from the consequences of your behaviour for others or that you can’t change. Therapy can help you improve your relationships with the people around you and with yourself. If you are willing to seek therapy, then that is the first step towards healing – whether or not you actually have narcissistic traits.

I’VE HEARD THAT THERAPY IS EXPENSIVE – HOW WILL I AFFORD ALL THIS – ESPECIALLY IF IT TAKES A LONG TIME?

As a social worker, I am committed to making therapy affordable for everyone. I offer Medicare rebate-able sessions to eligible clients, and am sometimes able to bulk bill those with a health care card. I am also a registered NDIS provider, so if you are a participant, you can have trauma therapy included in your plan.

If money is providing an obstacle to beginning (or continuing) therapy, we can discuss how to make it more affordable for you.

Psychotherapy is an investment in you and your future. What could be more important than that?

TAKE THE FIRST STEP IN RECLAIMING YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF

download my free ebook and Book your free discovery call here.

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MORE ABOUT NARCISSISM FROM THE RECOVERY ROOM

Indifferent mothers. Healing the Wounds of Parental Dislike read online by Susan Forward, Donna Fraser Glynn (Page 4)

Fighting Inhibitions

This book provides a detailed portrait of motherhood without love, and it will help you dispel the myth about mothers once and for all. In the following chapters, you will learn about a wide variety of parents who, due to psychological or physiological disorders, either do not want or cannot provide the child with love, which plays a huge role in shaping his psychological health. They don't know how to truly love.

I want to emphasize that none of these mothers wakes up in the morning thinking, “How can I hurt my daughter today?” Much of what they do is driven by forces beyond their conscious awareness or by emotions they are afraid to confront: a destructive sense of self-doubt, a persistent sense of emptiness, and a deep disillusionment with life. In search of ways to remove their own fears and sorrows, these women reinforce their sense of power and control through their own daughters. A distinctive feature of such mothers is a lack of empathy, and their excessive selfishness closes their eyes to the suffering they bring to others. They rarely try to look at the situation from the other person's point of view. But they absolutely know what they want and demand it from others, so it is difficult, if not impossible, for them to see the connection between their vices and abusive behavior, which has a defining effect on their relationship with their daughters.

Do not take your eyes off the page if the described scenario of maternal behavior seems painfully similar to what you observed in childhood. It is important to perceive it as the opposite of love, and you should feel this perception as deeply and fully as possible, even if it takes a lot of time and effort. I understand that it will be difficult but impossible to reverse the damage caused by the mother myth without an objective analysis of your mother's actions and the imprint they left on your life.

In this part of the book, you will be introduced to five memorable types of mothers. There are no clear boundaries in the classification, so unloving mothers can fit several descriptions at the same time. You will learn how they manifest themselves:

• Excessively narcissistic mother. Exceptionally insecure and self-centered, she has an insatiable need for admiration and a tremendous sense of self-importance. She must attract everyone's attention, so every time as soon as his center shifts towards you, she tries to return it to her person. She may treat her daughter as a rival, undermining her sense of confidence, attractiveness, and feminine power. The urge to criticize and compete flares up whenever the mother feels threatened, especially if the adult daughter is successful.

• An overbearing mother who suppresses her daughter by constantly demanding time and attention, blurring the lines between them and insisting on being the main person in her daughter's life, no matter what the cost. She uses the role of a mother to meet her emotional needs, and this prevents her from helping her daughter develop healthy independence. She usually refers to her daughter as her "best friend", although she rarely shows concern if her daughter's needs and preferences do not align with her own.

• Controlling mother. She feels powerless in many areas of her life and uses her daughter to fill that void. For this type of mother, the daughter is the person whose role it is to make her mother happy and act on her bidding. Such mothers clearly express their needs, desires and demands, threatening dire consequences if their daughters set other priorities. They justify their actions by saying that only they know what their daughters should be doing, and constant criticism from them forces the daughters to believe this.

• Mother in need of care because she is unable to cope on her own. Usually consumed by depression or addiction, they force their daughters to take on the role of caring caretaker for them, and sometimes for other family members. A classic case of role reversal has a strong effect on a daughter who is “pulled out” of childhood and forced to take care of an infantile parent, while she herself needs help and protection so much that her own mother cannot give her.

• A mother who is characterized by abuse, assault, betrayal. Such mothers occupy the darkest part of the spectrum because, due to their coldness, they are not able to exude a drop of warmth, leaving their daughters without protection from insults inflicted by other family members, or even personally raising a hand against them. The harm they cause is devastating and leaves deep scars on daughters.

We will see real-life examples of how these mothers undermine the foundations of their daughters' lives, and you will understand how life with an unloving mother has affected your ability to love, trust and succeed, thereby shaping your life path in many ways.

Repetitive behaviors

The cliché "women marry their fathers" is obsolete. The shocking truth is that we marry our mothers. That is, choosing a partner and circumstances in adulthood, we often activate a strong unconscious need to repeat family scandals that caused resentment towards the mother.

As you saw earlier in our checklist, problematic relationship patterns and self-doubt often "grow" from childhood. Under the influence of an unloving mother, the daughter develops a high level of tolerance for maltreatment, and in the worst case, a girl who is beaten will become a woman who is beaten or even herself. But whatever the pattern of behavior inherited from the mother, it is in your power to discover the connections between the past and the present, and this will give you the desire and strength to change everything forever.

Chapter 2. Overly Narcissistic Mother

"What about me?"

Ancient Greek legend says: there was a handsome young man named Narcissus, and he was so attractive that both men and women fell hopelessly in love with him at first sight.

Once Narcissus was sitting on the shore of the lake, and his eyes fell on the water, where he saw the reflection of a young man of amazing beauty. Not knowing that he was looking at himself, he was so bewitched by this image that he refused to eat, sleep and move. Possessed by the shimmering reflection in the clear water, he died. And white flowers named after him bloomed next to his body.

This is a famous myth and the source of many misconceptions. We use the term "narcissistic" to describe a narcissist like Narcissus. However, I have worked with many adults who have a narcissistic partner or parent. It seems to me that narcissists do not like themselves at all, despite the fact that they seem vain, self-confident and extremely arrogant.

In fact, they are very insecure and suspicious. If they weren't, why would they have such an insatiable thirst for approval and worship? Where does the constant desire to be in the spotlight come from? And why would a narcissistic mother interfere with her daughter's development of self-confidence and self-esteem in order to boost her own?

Narcissistic mothers do not deprive us of love because they love themselves too much. They leave us without love because they are so consumed with appearing important, flawless, and exceptional that there is simply no room for others.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers quickly learn that if they get into the spotlight, their mothers will step in and turn it on themselves. These girls get used to being pushed aside, perceived as an addition, or forced to hide in their mother's long shadow. Their confidence and enthusiasm evaporate as soon as the narcissistic mother takes credit for all achievements and blames for all misfortunes. Daughters have already learned that not theirs, but maternal needs, pride and peace almost always come first.

Daughter of a narcissist mother

If you were raised by a narcissist mother,
then you will most likely continue to feel the need to be a “good girl” even as you grow up, to try to do things “rightly”. You will not leave the feeling that you must earn love and respect, otherwise no one will ever love you. The inner voice can constantly criticize you, causing additional damage to self-esteem.

This article is about daughters, because the relationship of sons and narcissistic mothers has its own characteristics, and usually they are not as traumatic as the relationship of such a mother with her daughters. Although it should be noted that much of what is described below may be close to sons raised by a narcissistic mother.

How can maternal narcissism manifest itself?

In most cases, narcissistic mothers either pay excessive attention to their children - "absorbing mothers" , or deprive them of attention - "ignoring mothers" . In both cases, the child grows up with a distorted self-image and low self-esteem, never losing hope of ever earning their mother's love and respect.

Absorbing mother controls all issues in the life of the child, making decisions for him and telling him what to wear, with whom to communicate, what to say, what to feel. The child does not have space for independent development - so he gradually loses himself.

At the same time, such mothers can create the most favorable external impression: they actively participate in the child's life, do a lot with him or for him, and are aware of everything that happens in his life. A classic example of absorbing mothers are women who send their children into the world of show business.

A child who has received such an upbringing often in adulthood is inclined to make decisions based on what, in his opinion, his mother would approve. Getting used to the fact that decisions are constantly being made for him, it is difficult for him subsequently to build his own, healthy life, which would reflect precisely his desires and values.

A mother who ignores does not take seriously or denies the child's feelings - he lacks emotional support from his mother, participation in his life, interest in her. The child may even feel "invisible". At the same time, the entire everyday part of life can be fully provided for by such a mother, including in an exemplary manner (food, clothing, mugs).

If the mother's behavior is a mixture of absorption and ignorance, the situation for the child is aggravated, because it constantly confuses him. In some cases, a mother may even exhibit opposing styles of problem behavior towards her different children. For example, ignoring behavior towards an older child (wishing him to grow up faster and help) and absorbing towards a younger one (trying to keep him in a childish role, helping in everything).

Depending on how strong the mother's narcissism is, her child, especially her daughter, may find some or all of the common problems with her mother in the list below:

attention and approval of your mother, you fail to please her.
Your mother's motto is: "It's more important to look good than to feel good." Even though she cares about how you look, she thinks about how she will impress others as your mother.
You felt your mother's envy of you. To appearance, material achievements, popularity, education, travel and so on. This is especially difficult for a child due to the fact that he is forced to achieve high results in order to win her attention and love - a vicious circle is obtained.
Mom did not support you in self-expression. Interests were controlled; those activities were chosen that were suitable and convenient for the mother.
Life revolves around the mother. Bette Midler's line from the feature film On the Beach comes to mind: "Well, enough about me. Let's talk about you. What do you think about me?".
Mom is incapable of empathy. It is generally difficult for a mother to listen about feelings. Gradually, the child of a narcissistic mother gets used to suppressing his feelings. In such a family, it is generally not customary to talk about them.
The mother cannot cope with her own feelings, which may be expressed in anger, rage, or a desire to completely emotionally shut down.
Mom tends to judge and criticize you. Such behavior leads to a high sensitivity of the child to the opinions of others, even in adulthood.
Your communication with your mother is more like communication between friends than mother and daughter. Children are very early involved in the world of adults, they are forced to listen and discuss non-childish topics, providing emotional support to their mother. Often such a child feels guilty for not being able to help his mother solve her problem.
Lack of personal boundaries in relations with mother - she does not allow her daughter to become an independent person, because she sees in her a source of satisfaction of her desires and needs. Borders also do not exist for her and in her daughter's family. Everything is discussed, you can ask any question, you can comment on everything with a complete lack of understanding that these are personal, delicate questions.

As a result, the daughters of narcissistic mothers often try to compensate for their emotional emptiness with love relationships, and each time it turns out to be traumatic. The men they choose cannot raise their self-esteem, cannot make them happy. For such women, love is what a man can do for them (or they do for a man). Another relationship leads to another breakup, which brings shame, which only distracts from the feeling that she cannot be loved.

Is it possible to break this vicious circle?

Yes. This is a long work, sometimes very difficult, but feasible.
Thus, psychologist Caryl McBride suggested three steps to recovery in her work Good Enough. A path of healing for women who grew up with narcissistic mothers. This therapy includes:

awareness of the situation,
living feelings,
mourning,
reprogramming negative settings,
making a decision to change
and directly changes.

The book contains many examples of destructive relationships and describes in detail all the stages of healing.

You will definitely notice internal changes or lack of them as they are often markers of unmet needs. From time to time, the daughters of narcissistic mothers try to overcome their traumas through love, they expect from men the love that they did not receive in childhood.