Bpd self sabotaging
Understanding Self-Destructive Borderline Personality Disorder
By OPI Team
August 6, 2018
What is BPD?
Borderline personality disorder, often called BPD, is a personality disorder marked by fear of abandonment and rejection, unstable relationships, mood swings, and impulsive behavior, among many other BPD symptoms.
Psychologist Theodore Millon identified four subtypes of borderline personality disorder (BPD) as a way to further categorize BPD symptoms. Many people with BPD lean into one or two of these subtypes, while it’s rare to be split equally between the traits of all four.
Don’t expect your symptoms to be a perfect fit into one subtype, but see if one or two describe your behavior better than the other subtypes. The more you know about your disorder, the better your treatment can be.
What does self-destructive BPD look like?
Jacob grew up without his father, who divorced his mother and moved away when he was just a baby. In spite of his mother’s persistent depression and other mental health challenges, Jacob went on to make friends, do well academically, and play football for his high school.
Although no one knew it, he grew up hating himself so deeply that he rarely believed anyone could feel any differently about him. He believed, from his deepest core, that he did not deserve to be loved. When he said the wrong thing in class, messed up a play in football practice, or felt like an outlier among his friends, Jacob had a habit of breaking into the liquor cabinet before his mom got home to numb the self-hatred.
"Borderline personality disorder has four subtypes as a way to further categorize BPD symptoms."
His junior year in high school, Jacob started dating Annie. When he was with her, he experienced moments of relief from his extreme self-hatred, intermingled with many more moments of intense fear that she would leave him, because how could she love him like she said she did? He idolized Annie. He felt she was the best part of his entire life.
Spring of senior year, Annie told Jacob she had applied to an out of state university, and had been accepted with a full scholarship. Jacob felt betrayed, as they had planned to both attend the local state university.
Jacob couldn’t bear his emotions; he couldn’t believe he let himself think that Annie loved him, that she ever cared about him, that maybe she would stick around.
He told Annie that she couldn’t leave him. He would kill himself if she did. After Annie went home, he locked himself in his room with alcohol and a weapon and called Annie to tell her goodbye.
It took Jacob’s best friend shimmying up the house to his second story bedroom window to calm him down that night and keep him safe.
Self-destructive borderline personality disorder symptoms
Jacob fell into the self-destructive BPD subtype. Before entering treatment at the Optimum Performance Institute (OPI), he displayed several of the common traits of self-destructive borderline personality disorder:
- Intense feelings of self-loathing (self-hatred)
- Prone to self-harm
- Often depressed
- Feelings of bitterness
- Look for comfort through attention from others
- Suicidal behavior
- Self-injurious behavior
- Substance abuse
- Engage in reckless behaviors out of lack of self-care, not to impress others
- Tend to sabotage their own happiness and wellbeing due to feelings of being undeserving
- Unstable self-image (lack identity)
- Believes no one cares about them, and so they don’t care about themselves
- Unstable emotions
Treatment for self-destructive BPD
The deep-rooted feelings of low self-worth in a person who leans toward the self-destructive subtype make it less likely that they will seek treatment on their own.
But borderline personality disorder is a treatable disease, and even if you have the self-destructive subtype, you are no exception.
Jacob resisted the idea of going to residential treatment for nearly a year after graduating high school. After the night he threatened suicide to Annie, he felt deep shame and self-hatred about the way he had been feeling, and that he had brought others into his dark and twisted world.
Jacob’s mother found a therapist for him to see. He went to sessions, but didn’t find therapy helpful and usually left feeling even worse about himself. Suicide attempts and threats became more common as the year went on.
His mother, understanding the gravity of his situation, convinced Jacob to participate in residential treatment at OPI. As he walked through the doors, he felt a lot of fear and a little hope.
"Whether it’s the extremely painful self-destructive BPD subtype, post-traumatic stress disorder, bipolar disorder, or another challenge, we’ll help them manage their struggles, heal from painful experiences, and move forward. "
Jacob was also able to process through his father’s abandonment with his individual therapist, helping him to slowly heal that deeply traumatic wound.
Of his therapy groups, Jacob felt he benefited most from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) skills group and learning cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) in his individual sessions. He loved that at OPI, he didn’t feel as much shame for being “the way he was”. He wasn’t alone in these feelings. Instead, he felt supported by other OPI participants and felt more and more hope as he witnessed the progress other borderline patients were making.
As Jacob worked his way through the program, he found joy in working with his career and education counselors, who helped him develop his passion for woodworking and enroll in a trade school for carpentry. He found healthy activities to get his mind off of painful emotions, reducing his need to engage in self-destructive behaviors and helping him to heal from substance abuse.
When Jacob was ready to leave OPI, he had the skills he needed to have healthy interpersonal relationships, a fulfilling career, and a strong sense of self that was more resilient to the punches life would throw at him. And most importantly, he knew he could take these blows and get right back on his feet.
Our mission at OPI is to help young adults face the mental health challenges holding them back in life. Whether it’s the extremely painful self-destructive BPD subtype, post-traumatic stress disorder, bipolar disorder, or another challenge, we’ll help them manage their struggles, heal from painful experiences, and move forward.
Let us help with self-destructive borderline
It might seem impossible now, but all four subtypes of BPD are treatable diseases. If you’re struggling with the extreme pain of self-destructive borderline personality disorder, let us help you. Call us today at 866.661.3982 to talk about what you need in your treatment program and determine if we’re a good fit for you. We can’t wait to hear from you.
29 Ways People With Borderline Personality Disorder Self-Sabotage
Self-sabotage is something most people experience at one point or another — particularly if mental illness makes you feel unworthy or undeserving of good things. But for many folks with borderline personality disorder (BPD), self-sabotage can often be at the forefront of their lives.
As Mighty contributor Sheridan Ashby who lives with BPD put it,
Self-sabotaging (relationships, jobs, etc.) is a fairly common habit of people with borderline personality disorder. Personally, I think I sabotage myself without even knowing it, mainly because I feel like I don’t deserve anything good in my life. When things are going well, my anxiety actually increases, because I’m afraid things will fall apart at any second. I’m not used to stability — it’s a foreign concept to me — so it makes me feel uncertain and suspicious.
There are many ways someone with BPD might engage in self-sabotage. Some engage in impulsive behaviors that wreak havoc on their lives. Others might secretly put their friends “to the test” by pushing them away to see if they still love them when they stick around. Some folks might engage in self-harm or suicidal behavior and don’t know where to turn for help.
We wanted to know what self-sabotaging behaviors people who have BPD engage in, so we asked our Mighty BPD community to share one way they self-sabotage, and explain how it affects their lives.
It’s important to remember not just folks with BPD engage in self-sabotaging behaviors like these. If you find yourself self-sabotaging, please seek the help of a mental health professional. If you are in crisis and need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
Here are the self-sabotaging behaviors our BPD community shared with us:
1. Pick Fights With Loved Ones
“Causing arguments by picking at every little negative, even if the negative hasn’t even happened yet. On mine and my partner’s anniversary, we had an amazing day together, went out for a romantic meal at our favorite place and I managed to get really upset because he’d not replied to a nice comment I made about him on Facebook. Luckily he knows me well enough that he held my hand and said, ‘Bronte, you’re sabotaging yourself again. Your brain doesn’t like letting you be happy so you’re trying to find ways to ruin a perfect day.’ I apologized but I just felt like utter garbage afterwards.” — Bronte E.
“I set up arguments to see if people will leave me. I haven’t in a long, long time but it used to be a regular occurrence prior to college. Sometimes I’m tempted because I’m convinced people are better off without me but I avoid doing it because it’s something I [wasn’t] proud of doing before and I wouldn’t be proud doing it now.” — Hannah G.
2. Push People Away
“I purposely push people (usually a boyfriend) to his breaking point to see if he will leave me, but then I’ll be heartbroken and want him back. It’s that push and pull, but when I’m pushing, I push way too far and hurt them unintentionally. It’s something I want to change so badly.” — Holly D.
“I cut off healthy friendships because I feel they’re finding me annoying or are planning to leave me anyway, so I leave them before they can. Which leaves me isolated and completely alone.” — Samantha P.
3. Push Loved Ones to Their “Limit” to See If They Will Stay
“I tend to push people I care about to their limits. I’ve lost a lot of friends because of it. It’s heartbreaking because most of the time I do it subconsciously. I don’t realize I’ve done it till it’s done… It’s like a train on the tracks. I am the conductor, but I am also the one who put the dynamite under the bridge to blow up the track.” — Hannah E.
“I will create impossible secret tests for my friends and family. If they fail the tests, I will disappear from their lives and train my mind to forget they exist even when it hurts. Sometimes it is irrational but if my mind is made up, that’s it. ” — Rae E.
4. Procrastinate
“I self-sabotage by waiting forever to do things that have a deadline. I allow myself to let the anxiety surrounding certain projects to get the best of me and I don’t get to complete it and I feel so disappointed in myself afterward cause I missed out for no reason. ” — Brittany G.
“Procrastinate like a pro into oblivion, both with important deadlines and menial things. Also, I will repetitively distance myself from those closest to me.” — Bridget C.
5. Spend Money Impulsively
“I hurt myself financially. I impulsively buy expensive things so I can have instant gratification and because it is fleeting, I continue to spend and get caught in an endless loop.” — Vincenzo M.
“Overspending. I struggle with impulse control over buying things. I got into debt, and have gone through a debt relief order and setting up a bank account without an overdraft so I can’t get into the same situations as before. The bad credit rating has also been a blessing, as it means I don’t have access to any sort of credit. My spending habits have improved, but I have relapses… It’s hard work. And I hate being a burden on my aging parents. But I can’t run up debts anymore.” — Samantha Q.
6. Overshare
“I tend to overshare as soon as I feel a little comfortable. I get over-enthusiastic and then the emotion multiplies by a thousand and I become a completely different person. I tell my life story or very personal issues to acquaintances and scare people away. I feel ashamed and guilty for a long period after the incident. After the whole ordeal, I tend to remain a hermit for as long as possible since I felt like I made a fool of myself once again.” — Steff F.
“I expect people to leave me, so to avoid it, for some reason I think it’s a great idea to bare my soul, just hoping they would feel bad and stay but it just scares them away.” — Alyssa P.
7. Take on Everyone Else’s Problems
“I put everyone’s issues on myself. If someone is sad, I want to fix it. Even if it’s something beyond my control. I take in everyone’s problems and make them mine.” — Alicia H.
“I take care of everyone around to the point there is nothing for me… I give and give and give so people don’t leave me… I don’t care of myself at all… forget to eat, shower, just even basic things. I consume myself too much with other people’s needs.” — Trudy B.
8. Do Things to “Prove” Your Unworthiness
“I self-sabotage by ruining my own relationships. A guy can be completely perfect for me but I can convince myself I’m not worthy of his love, so I’ll do things to prove to myself that I’m unworthy. I’ve cheated during my relationships to prove to myself that I don’t deserve to be in a stable and happy relationship. I understand now those actions are results of my BPD thoughts. It’s like I try to leave a person emotionally before they can leave me.” — Ragel I.
9. Quit Your Job
“I was verbally abused at my previous job. Now I quit my job before I can be told I’m doing everything wrong. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve quit before I even really got started. ” — Dana U.
“When everything is going well and I start getting comfortable at a job, I get paranoid that I am going to make a huge mistake and get fired. So I quit the job before that can happen.” — Shannon M.
10. Over-Apologize and Blame Yourself for Everything
“I apologize for everything, even if I know it isn’t my fault… I clam up… I push people away in fear that I will say/do something wrong.” — Katie R.
“I self-sabotage by blaming myself for everything, even if I may not be in the wrong. I question everything and take it to heart so I cannot see myself in a positive light and I also apologize for everything, regardless of fault. I also reduce into a state of depression and can spend whole days in bed or cry for an hour-long shower. “ — Sam L.
11. Avoid or “Act Out” in Therapy
“When things get hard in therapy, I tend to miss appointments, call in ‘sick’ or do the silent treatment.” — Alea D.
“I sabotage my relationship with therapists by acting out because I feel I need to show them just how ‘bad’ I am to protect myself from being rejected by them later on in the relationship. It’s like, I’m so sure they will eventually see me for the horrible person I am and want to get it over with before I get to like and depend on them.” — Diane M.
12. “Play Games” With People
“I play games with people. You haven’t talked to me in a few days? Cool. I can ghost you longer and faster. But then I find something online I want to share with them and I become friends with them again.” — Stacey P.
“I seek out attention then push people away. It comes across as playing games when I don’t mean it to. I freak out when I get the attention, but feel lonely and abandoned when I don’t. It’s confusing” — Jackie S.
13. Trigger Yourself on Purpose
“Triggering myself. Literally going out of my own way to make myself upset because I feel like I deserve it and don’t deserve to be happy.” — Natalie F.
14. Binge Eat
“Binge eating. Sometimes, even when I feel like I am most stable, I find myself reaching for food as a way to hurt myself the most. Stress or feeling guilty about things that may or may not be my fault, always leads me to binge on food. It’s something that has gotten better over time, but it’s a constant daily mental struggle.” — Sarah L.
15. Hold in Emotions
“As what some people refer to as a ‘quiet borderline,’ I try my hardest to hold emotions in to the point of self-destruction because I don’t want to burden others or come across to them as ‘too much,’ ‘needy,’ ‘manipulative’ or any of the other stigmatizing comments I’ve heard referring to BPD. Empathy is a very common trait in people with a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder — one of my biggest fears is hurting someone.” — Nikki W.
16. Look for the Bad in People
“I’ll get paranoid thoughts that someone I’m in a relationship with will hurt me and find ways to make things seem negative when in reality everything is actually going fine and they happen to be very genuine people worth trusting. I tend to always find the bad in people. ” — Nick B.
17. Cancel on Plans
“Cancel on people, miss appointments or call in sick. Basically let everyone down around me and then I sit back and taunt myself, trying to come up with a good reason as to why I do this.” — Naju S.
18. Don’t Follow Through on Decisions/Commitments
“I don’t follow through with decisions I should, because I’m worried I won’t do well, or someone will judge me, and I constantly self-internalize about how I self-sabotaged. Then I look for validation that it’s OK, all the while internally berating myself for it.” — Jessica S.
“My fear of failure keeps me from doing anything with my days. I wake up with great plans, but ultimately do nothing because I’m so scared I will fail at everything I do. I’m currently out of work and so I spend 12 plus hours in the same position on the sofa. I become so dissociated and my muscles hurt from the lack of movement. I tell myself the following day will be different, that I’ll work on my novel, on some short stories, that I’ll exercise, that I’ll do something productive, but tomorrow comes and nothing changes. This cycle only worsens my depression and my self-hatred, but I feel stuck and have for years now.” — Autumn A.
19. Set Unrealistic Goals
“I make goals that are completely unrealistic and will always fail at reaching the goal which I then use as a reason to punish myself for not being good enough.” — Kirstie O.
20. Second Guess Decisions
“I constantly second guess every single decision I ever make. I never know if it’s the right one, even when it comes to relationships. I think about what it would be like if I wasn’t in the relationship and what I’m missing and etc. Everyone always says, ‘If it’s the right person, then you won’t do that,’ but I can’t ever tell anymore. In short, I don’t rationalize.” — Katie T.
21. Isolate
“I isolate myself. Partially because I simply don’t want to interact with other people, and partially because I feel as though I don’t deserve friends. I push away loved ones so I don’t end up hurting them, but I end up hurting them in the process. I don’t believe I deserve happiness and anyone who tells or tries to show me otherwise is wrong.” — Julie C.
22. Violate Boundaries
“I break boundaries and snoop to see if I can trust them. Look for anything and it’s stupid and embarrassing that I can’t stop…” — Michelle L.
“I force myself into my sister’s personal life to the point of her being so angry that it will start a fight. I need to know she still wants me in her life and doesn’t hate me. I just want to know that even if I am hard to deal with, I’m still loved.” — Erika M.
23. Get Into Relationships Too Fast
“I get into relationships before I know they’re healthy or not in order to feel as though I have a connection to a person because I typically lose those who are closest to be due do my other self-sabotaging behaviors.” — Sarah H.
“I overlook red flags, particularly in relationships. My paranoid thoughts always make me think other people are sabotaging me or my potential happiness when they point out the red flags too. ” — Jess B.
24. Overthink Situations
“ I tend to over-asses a situation particularly someone’s actions and overanalyze their words until I find a reason to put distance between me and them. Be it they are either ‘using me’ or they aren’t ‘trusting enough.’” — Daniel C.
25. Reject Love From Others
“I find it hard to feel worthy or accept or accept other people’s love. When my partner hugs me or my kids hug me, a voice inside my head constantly tells me I am not worthy of their love. I either cringe or pull away. I have to force myself to hug my children and to remember to do it enough to make them feel loved. It makes me feel horrible to have to force myself to do something that should just be freely given.” — Kerri H.
26. Get Into Toxic, but Familiar Relationships
“I self-sabotage in relationships. I crave toxicity. So when I finally find myself in a healthy relationship, I make excuses to leave.” — Sarah P.
27. Self-Harm or Act on Suicidal Thoughts
“I self-harm, I attempt suicide, I overspend a lot, I binge eat. I don’t do as well as I could in school or miss opportunities, I get into painful relationships, I isolate myself.” — Thea D.
28. Assume Others Think the Worst About You
“Assuming I know exactly how someone else feels and making the worst assumption about how they feel about me in my own mind. DBT taught me to check facts and label my own emotions when it comes to conflict with loved ones.” — Christopher R.
29. Engage in Negative Self-Talk
“Negative self-talk, usually when I start something new (like a job), I’ll tell myself I’m no good at it, nobody likes me, I’ll never succeed. Generally leads to my quitting on bad terms.” — James T.
what is self-sabotage - T&P
Even the directors of Hollywood blockbusters no longer allow themselves the expression "your main enemy is yourself" today, but because of the beaten down it has not become less true for most of us. Few people have never behaved destructively, contrary to common sense and personal interests.
Saying obvious mean things to a loved one, playing a new video game the night before an exam, forgetting to set your alarm before an important meeting — there are many ways to self-sabotage. Why do we really need it and how to deal with it?
Where does what come from
In 1978, two psychologists from Harvard University, Stephen Berglas and Edward Jones, conducted an experiment. Students were given tests, half of which consisted of questions that could only be answered at random, others were designed so that the final grade completely depended on the knowledge of the students. After passing the test, the participants were announced that everyone had passed, but the test would have to be taken again. Before that, however, you need to take, at your choice, one of the pills: improving or worsening cognitive abilities (both, of course, were placebo). As a result, the "braking" pill was taken exclusively by men from the group in which the answers had to be given at random. They did not know what caused their success the first time, and did not want it to be their personal failure in case of defeat - it is much more pleasant to blame everything on a pill.
This is what the first study on self-sabotage looked like. And the general understanding of this phenomenon has changed little since then. Self-sabotage is a process in which failures are externalized (that is, explained by external factors) and successes are internalized (that is, they are considered to be achieved due to personal qualities).
As with most other psychological conditions, most often one learns to "sabotage" in childhood. For example, a child who is told that it is “selfish” to ask for toys and sweets stops asking for them, and in childhood his strategy can be considered winning: he adapts to the requirements of the people on whom he depends. But when the same person, already in adulthood, cannot express what he wants, this can become a serious problem.
A significant risk group are children who are accustomed to overprotectiveness, who have learned that even if they do nothing at all (for example, from homework), over time it will be discovered by the parent in control of the situation, and he will take the solution of the problem into his own hands.
In addition to "sabotaging" behavior, children also easily learn adult behavior patterns - and a parent with similar fear coping mechanisms has a good chance of raising a "saboteur" child.
© Javier Jaen
However, self-sabotage can also be “infected” in adulthood. Traumatic experiences tend to cause people to avoid the slightest hint of the traumatic situation, even if objectively the current situation is perfectly safe. Various phobias and feelings of inferiority also become the basis for self-sabotage. Awareness of one’s insignificance can be a reason to “get sick” before an important interview, and accidentally spilling a cup of coffee on oneself is an excellent reason to refuse to visit if one has social phobia.
And, finally, self-sabotage is directly related to various addictions (from smoking and alcoholism to shopaholism and gambling addiction). As a rule, they are used to reduce stress levels - and really allow you to get distracted, while preventing you from achieving what you really want in the meantime. Avoiding achieving your own goals, it turns out, is not the only negative effect of self-sabotage. “Paying” for it, according to research results, is also due to a bad mood, a decrease in subjectively perceived one’s own competence, a drop in motivation and new addictions.
It's all over the place
A couple of years ago, a group of Japanese scientists decided to find out what changes can be observed in the brains of people who are more prone to self-sabotage than others. About a hundred Japanese students completed a special questionnaire that revealed a propensity for this strategy, and then scientists used the method of voxel-based morphometry (a technique for studying the anatomy of the brain). Their main discovery was that the tendency to self-sabotage is determined by only one area of the brain - the subgenual cingulate gyrus (it is also called "Brodmann's field 25") - it is this that is considered an "important depot" for the delivery of serotonin to other areas of the brain, including the hypothalamus and the brain stem , which control sleep and appetite, the amygdala and insula, which affect anxiety and mood, the hippocampus, which plays an important role in the formation of memory, and some areas of the frontal cortex, which are responsible for self-esteem.
Other studies in this area have demonstrated the relationship between self-sabotage and loss of a sense of self, susceptibility to external influences, increased irritability, fatigue and depersonalization (when one's actions are perceived from the side, and it is impossible to control them, according to sensations). In addition, men are more prone to self-sabotage than women, and women are more likely to "sabotage" after some kind of failure, when the motivation to continue to move towards the goal drops.
Find and Disarm
Self-sabotage is not always easy to recognize, it can take many forms. Here are perhaps the most popular of them:
Perfectionism. If something doesn't work out really, really perfect, it's better to quit in the middle and start something new
Addiction care - overeating, smoking and alcoholism, computer and gambling, etc is also a convenient way to get away from your own goals.
Unrealistic assessment of one's own capabilities. Taking on many projects at the same time, some of them can simply be overlooked, or not in time, or, say, "burn out and break loose."
Causing, consciously or not, harm to health: the main thing is to get sick so that it becomes absolutely impossible to fulfill the necessary.
Excessive self-confidence - refusal of the necessary help, agreement to take on something definitely unbearable - are also, in general, effective ways to fail what you really want to fail.
Procrastination — where would we be without it.
© Javier Jaen
Of course, this list can be expanded: there are a lot of ways not to do something that you really don’t want to do. But how can you still get to a consciously chosen goal, ceasing to sabotage it? Here is a list of tips from Dr. Margaret Paul, Ph.D, Huffington Post columnist:
- Notice your judgments about yourself. They are often the cause of sabotage. When you find that very judgment that slows you down, ask yourself if it really corresponds to reality. Most often, negative assessments of oneself originate in childhood and do not undergo critical revision in adulthood.
- Analyze the way you define your own value. Deciding how valuable you are is based on how you take care of yourself and the people who are important to you, rather than on the results of your actions.
- Consciously view mistakes and failures as essential steps on the path to success (not as a method of evaluating your own worth). Recognize that it's okay to be wrong sometimes. Extract valuable information from failures: what else you need to learn and what to learn.
- Be considerate of your feelings and kind to yourself. If you are determined to support yourself in case of failure, rather than condemning yourself, you will be more likely to try to take the next step.
— Be prepared to lose another person rather than yourself. You will not be afraid of rejection or absorption if you are honest with yourself and start doing what is important and necessary for you - even if the people important to you do not like it.
And, most importantly, it is worth remembering that self-sabotage is not something that should be fought by default. Sometimes it is useful to listen to your unwillingness to do something.
Self-sabotage: why do we destroy our own lives?
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Know Yourself Loneliness
Most of us consider happiness to be the highest reward in life. We fight fiercely for it, and however fleeting it may be, we rejoice in it. However, very often we are also quite successful in destroying this hard-won state of harmony.
How? Think about the unhealthy relationships we have, the abandoned activities, the unreachable goals we set for ourselves, and the heartfelt aspirations we never follow, suggests psychotherapist Nick Baylis, author of The Simplest Guide to Happiness.
He believes that such inexplicable behavior to the detriment of oneself is caused either by a difficult childhood or a teenager's view of the world. Maybe because of an overly critical attitude of one of the parents, we felt unloved, a harsh teacher caused a feeling of our own insignificance, and next to a purposeful friend, we feel eternally second.
In adulthood, having barely reached a certain level of happiness, we begin to sabotage our lives, striving to return to our usual childhood soil, no matter how uncomfortable and unhappy we feel on it.
Obviously, finding a way out of this destructive vicious circle is not easy. We can free ourselves from deeply rooted mechanisms of self-destructive behavior only if we can recognize them. Three psychologists show us the possible paths to liberation.
1. Think constructively
“The other day I decided to take the kids on a picnic with a friend who lives next door, while I stayed at home,” says Karina, a 43-year-old divorced mother of two. - I wanted to be alone, but, staying at home in silence, I immediately began to be tormented. After a few minutes, I began to think about how fat, nervous I am, what terrible hair I have.
Karina admits that her thoughts went even further very quickly. “I got pissed off about not having enough time to go to the gym and started thinking about how it would be easier for me if I had a partner.”
Then she asked herself, “Who needs me? I'm ugly and blurry. Maybe I should have overlooked my ex-husband's love affairs, maybe he was right when he criticized me for not wanting to be a housewife and not taking care of myself. I kept replaying negative thoughts about my appearance in my head.”
Just at the moment when Karina felt completely upset and alone, her little children burst into the house with a roar. “My daughter rushed to me and wanted to hug me, but I was so turned on that I pushed her away and told her not to make such a noise. Of course, I immediately felt guilty and heartless and utterly desperate for what a bad mother I was. And I felt longing for my ex-husband.
Why do we do this?
Clinical psychologist Sharona Rawat explains that many of us disturb our own mental balance by constantly thinking about past events, endlessly replaying bad memories in our heads. “We need to understand and comprehend what happened in our lives in order to find the right place for these memories in our minds,” explains the psychologist. “Conflicts, missing information and contradictions leave gaps in our knowledge and result in internal discord and discomfort.”
Sharona Rawat adds that trying to ease these unsettling feelings sets off a cycle of useless thinking. “Unfortunately, this process leads to extreme stress and anxiety, which in turn further complicates the decision-making process.”
Scrolling through the already known failures and failures in our heads, we come to negative and initially wrong conclusions, which in turn can undermine our self-esteem and give rise to self-doubt. "It makes us believe that the thoughts 'I'm not attractive' and 'I'm a bad mother' are real facts. It makes us unhappy and distorts our future decisions."
What can be done about it?
“It is quite natural to strive for harmony,” the psychologist is convinced. “Endless thinking begins when we cannot reach balance.” She insists that one should think constructively.
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Be aware that you are experiencing discomfort or internal discord associated with certain past thoughts and actions.
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Try to formulate a statement that most clearly describes the essence of the event or experience. Write it down.
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Think about the reasons why you think the written statement is correct.
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Consider each cause individually. Try to carefully and objectively assess how these reasons seem right to you.
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In each individual case, forgive yourself for the role you played in it (if it was negative). Forgive other people for what they have done and make amends to the people you have harmed.
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Make the information thus obtained part of your new, more balanced perception of the event.
2. Realize that you don't have to be a victim
32-year-old Linda is having an affair with a powerful and critical older man who can also be very caring and loving. She endured his constant pressure for two years, but recently this situation has become annoying to her.
Every time she notices that he is criticizing her again, she makes fun of her and says something like: “But you know that I love you?” or “Don’t be such a child”, she has nothing to counter his words (they are absolutely correct), besides, she is financially dependent on her friend and therefore patiently endures his dismissive remarks.
Linda feels that she has no way to change the situation, although she understands that his statements are gradually destroying her trust, happiness and self-respect. Despite the fact that outwardly everything is fine with them, inside she feels dissatisfaction more and more.
Why do we do this?
Clinical psychologist Sonya Snyman says that those who cannot cope with their life circumstances develop a "victim mentality". “When you feel powerless, realize that you have no control over your life, or relationships are out of your control, you begin to feel like a victim,” she explains.
Victims feel that something is constantly happening to them, and instead of admitting their responsibility for this, they blame circumstances, events or other people for their misfortunes.
“This condition often arises from deep insecurity and a strong need for recognition,” explains the psychologist. “Victims behave according to what they think others expect of them. They feel dissatisfied, because outwardly dependent and submissive, but internally outraged by what is happening.
What can we do about it?
Two important truths must be realized. First, we may feel empowered in some situations and feel like a victim in others. Second, feeling like a victim is very comfortable. This allows us not to take responsibility for our behavior or our feelings.
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When do you feel like a victim? Does it have to do with your past experience or with a sense of your own inadequacy?
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Why do you feel like a victim? Is it because you are afraid to destroy the status quo? Or do you not imagine any other behavior? Perhaps you do not want to realize the true ugliness of your position?
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Think about how you would like to feel and how you would like to behave?
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Mentally rehearse your new "improved" behavior. If you feel like a victim, analyze this feeling and say: "I will not be a victim." Remind yourself that you can do something to make things better.
3. Be kind to yourself
Julia, 38, works as a secretary. She would like to resume her studies, which she left when she was pregnant with her first child, but considers herself "too old" and "not smart enough" to do so. She feels that her marriage is preserved by inertia, and rarely communicates both with her husband's colleagues, considering them "snobs", and with her colleagues, since these are "not the kind of people with whom I would like to communicate."
She stopped asking her husband to help her around the house, because, according to her, he never wants to do this and does everything carelessly. Despite all the efforts that Julie makes to control the children's homework, they have "very average" grades in school, and they have not achieved sports success either. She feels that they could do better, but they are simply lazy, and she constantly expresses her fear that they will never achieve anything.
Julia often reflects that her life is developing exactly as her father predicted, saying that she has "a very modest potential." She talks about herself in supercritical terms: “I'm stupid. Nobody loves me. I have not achieved anything in my life. My children have bad genes. Everyone else looks happy and successful. My marriage failed."
Why do we do this?
“If a parent, teacher, or caregiver constantly criticizes us, then we begin to accept these statements as unshakable truths,” explains clinical psychologist Rolen Hovsha. For example, if we are told that we are not very smart, then any achievement we make will be perceived as luck or an accident, or we will think that someone somewhere has made a mistake. “We constantly look for and receive from others evidence of this negative view and ignore everything positive,” explains the psychologist.
People with low self-esteem are often overly picky not only about themselves, but also about others. Ironically, we often choose partners that only strengthen our self-esteem. For example, Julia, who has not achieved anything in life, may have found a successful husband precisely because he needed a partner who would not overshadow him in the professional field. Julia describes her acquaintances as "snobs" or "not good enough" for her. Often this leads to increased insulation.
“Overcritical people often constantly compare themselves to others and find fault with them,” adds Rolen Hovsha. “Besides, people like Julia often see things only in black and white: ‘If I’m not perfect, then I’m worthless’, or ‘I forgot her birthday, then I’m a reckless egoist. They tend to exaggerate their mistakes and fears while minimizing their positive qualities.”
What can we do about it?
It is important to understand what kind of negative information we regularly communicate to ourselves. To do this, it is worth starting to keep a diary and write down our negative feelings in it as soon as we notice them.
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Every time you catch yourself making negative judgments about yourself, tell yourself out loud, “Stop. ” You can also imagine a stop sign or a red traffic light.
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After that, try to replace this thought with a more neutral one. Instead of saying, "I'm fat and ugly," think, "I've put on six kilos and I don't like the way I look, but I'm determined to make a difference."
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Learn to be kind to yourself. Think of someone you respect and love a lot. Could you ever tell him, "You're stupid"? Why are you saying this to yourself?
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Mark the words “should”, “should”, “I must” in your statements. Try to replace them with "I would like" or "I don't want to."
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Examine and challenge the negative "truths" you have agreed with since childhood. Ask yourself, “Where is the evidence that this applies to me? Where is the evidence to the contrary?
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Analyze your own perceptions to make sure that you are not distorting what others say, especially if you feel that you are being treated badly or rejected.
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Remember that change doesn't happen overnight.