Home » Misc » Bpd and death of loved one

Bpd and death of loved one


The Grieving Process and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Abandonment and BPD

I’ve made four attempts to end my life, used self-harm as a way to cope and survived many losses in the past 46 years, some just barely. I also struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

BPD is characterized by extreme emotional instability, black and white thinking and an incredible fear of abandonment, to name a few. This abandonment consists not only of relationships/friendships ending, but also the fear of those we hold near and dear to our hearts leaving us by death. When any type of abandonment enters the picture, most will go through a grieving process, though usually on a scale far less than someone struggling with BPD.

As stated in an article by Kristalyn Salters-Pedneault, PhD on Verywellmind.com, “Bereavement that’s prolonged, overwhelming, or that seriously impairs your daily life is considered complicated bereavement.” She goes on to state those struggling with BPD, theoretically, could hold a much greater risk for this type of bereavement due to the extreme emotions involved with the fear of separation/abandonment.

The Grieving Process

Complicated bereavement is what surrounded the unexpected death of my father. First thing I did was pick up the bottle. Everyday alcoholism ensued, amongst other health issues which seemingly arose and increased almost instantaneously. Certain songs sent me into a tailspin of uncontrollable sobbing for years. I didn’t want to be alive. I let guilt and regret eat away at my insides like a pool of acid. I was angry at him for leaving and angry at myself for things that were/weren’t said and done. I was even drunk during his memorial service, convinced he left because I deserved it. As with so many other things in life, I believed it was all my fault.

During the following years, I attempted to drown out the voices and accusations with alcohol; willing those overwhelming emotions to numb and then “cut” as a release before my insides would explode and eventually, much like a volcanic eruption, destroy everything in its path. I had no idea how to deal, so I used every possible way to escape and not deal with it at all, until now. I recently found and am currently working with a certified anxiety coach, who has literally changed my life in ways I never thought possible.

Breakups

Low and behold, however, my current relationship is also in the process of ending. Even though I’m aware, it still leaves the pit of my stomach in knots. Fear has taken hold alongside the tears and those inevitable feelings of worthlessness, being unlovable, unwanted and failing once again. A breakup and/or loss of friendship can ultimately feel like our entire world has shattered in one fell swoop and is drowning us in a riptide of emotions. It’s during such an upheaval when implementing tools, such as mindfulness, can aid in calming those stormy seas.

Help and Healing

BPD can be, in and of itself, incredibly debilitating and lonely. Statistics state up to 10% of those struggling with BPD successfully die by suicide and up to 80% attempt multiple times. Why? Because we feel “bullied”, so to speak, by those uneducated and/or disbelieving of the utter chaos we live through on a daily basis. We’re already beating ourselves up for the what we consider constant “wrongs” in our life, for feeling too clingy/needy, or as in my case, never being “good enough”. We seek acceptance, validation, support and love, not ridicule or verbal abuse which can easily exacerbate our already fragile emotional state.

The good news is BPD can be overcome! Recovery is possible with acknowledgment and one’s desire to heal, guidance by a therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, coach, etc. (as well as outside support), DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy), many other tools to assist in the “retraining” of our mind and consistent, hard work.

We just ask for you to please try and realize any type of grief is a process and for those struggling with BPD it can become extremely amplified and overwhelming. If you’re unsure of how to help a friend or loved one, please just ask. We’re waiting with open arms for that one person to reach out and simply say, “Are you okay?”.

By Debra Brent

Please follow and like us:

Ryan Light

I am an athlete, blogger, and coach who has inspired and helped people around the world with my open and honest discussion about anxiety. Having struggled with general anxiety, panic disorder, and OCD I know first hand how one feels who lives with this struggle on a daily basis. I spent years trying to find the right therapist, taking the right medication, looking for a natural supplement, food tests, skin tests, neurological tests, and it goes on and on. It wasn’t until I finally made a decision to take my life back – after almost losing it – did I finally lose the grip that anxiety had on my life. Now it’s my life’s passion to help others overcome their struggle and find their own purpose in life.

What Grieving Is Like When You Have Borderline Personality Disorder

One of the most significant ways my borderline personality disorder (BPD) affects me is through my thoughts surrounding abandonment and attachment. My unrelenting fear of ending up alone in a world where no one is who I need is something I’ve lived with for years and years, long before I received a diagnosis of BPD.

Before I had any knowledge of the disorder, I often felt the obsessive, destabilizing thoughts I experienced made me inherently wrong as a person — rather than a symptom of a mental illness many others also dealt with. Beginning to understand more and more about being borderline has helped me, at least a little, to challenge this belief that I am “wrong’”in the ways I think and feel, but the recent trauma of losing a loved one (extremely unexpectedly) has thrown that all out of balance again.

This has been my first real experience with grief — something that, until now, had always seemed distant and unfamiliar to me. I think this detachment from grief has a lot to do with the fact that we rarely talk candidly about death in our culture. It doesn’t help that although grief is undeniably something felt universally, it is also something felt entirely subjectively. So, is it really any wonder that when it comes along — as it will to us all at one point or another — it feels utterly bizarre and disarming?

In the last few months, I have learned that grief can have many faces — denial, reflection, despair, laughter, confusion, distress, anger, loneliness. However it’s worn, though, it is always there, just like love. Because grief is love, in a way. It is love that has lost its place to go; it is love without obvious direction and with brand new meaning. Experiencing grief can show and teach us so much about the full range of human emotion and the deeply complex ways we can feel about one other.

This is something of huge interest to me as someone with BPD — a disorder literally characterized by intensity and instability of emotions. I think becoming better at acknowledging, talking about and bearing witness to grief would help us all to live more authentically and empathetically. Practicing being actively more open about something as multi-dimensional as the experience of grief would surely help us to better understand mental illnesses such as BPD as well.

A key term to be aware of when talking about BPD is “emotional reactivity.” This essentially describes the intense emotional reactions that someone with BPD may demonstrate in situations that wouldn’t typically elicit the same response from someone without the disorder. It’s really important to explain that this isn’t a manipulative, ignorant or self-indulging behavior at all, as can be commonly thought. It is actually a symptom that can be painfully difficult to manage and live with.

People with BPD are almost always completely aware when their reactions might be being perceived as extreme, irrational or over-the-top as well, which can cause them secondary emotions like shame, guilt or embarrassment. This is an experience I am all too familiar with and one that never seems to get easier to cope with, especially when it comes along at the same time as grief. For someone with BPD, a bereavement (particularly a shocking one) can often result in a heightening of already hard to manage symptoms, such as emotional reactivity. For example, there could be an increase in destructive or impulsive behaviors such as self-harm or substance abuse, or else enhanced feelings of uncontrollable anger and shame, potentially resulting in violence or isolation from others.

Suppression is also something worth mentioning here, though it is not something usually discussed when talking about being borderline. Personally, as someone who often displays as what is referred to as a “quiet borderline” — meaning my emotional instability is largely something I deal with inwardly — I can definitely recognize patterns of extreme suppression throughout my life. Focusing particularly on the last few months, I see how I have sometimes shut away my grief and sense of loss, and instead favored things like anger or isolation, because I know how I can manage these emotions. They may be difficult, but at least they are familiar.

As I write this piece, I’m realizing the very specific ways my grief has affected and complicated my BPD. I struggle with separation anxiety and attachment issues as it is, but since suffering a bereavement, I have experienced these symptoms to a new level. I find myself terrified and often unable to go to sleep every night in case I have another vivid dream of a loved one dying; I especially hate to be apart from my parents and sister, which is really tough when I’m away at university; I am developing new, debilitating anxieties that have never affected me before; and above all, I am doubting everything I thought I knew and trusted in — all the ways I felt safe, supported and looked after are shifting.

I know this is something that comes with age and that comes with loss, but I have never felt less in control. Dramatic, swift changes in my mood are more frequent than ever — in just a couple of hours my emotions could have whipped from irrational anger to unbearable sadness to paralyzing terror to a dull emptiness, and these changes leave me so fragile and overwhelmed. I am constantly at what feels like an endless yet unsustainable breaking point. However, I am trying so hard to remember that my ability to feel like this is a strength as well as a struggle. Opening myself up to pick apart these thoughts and feelings may well be something that can help me come to terms with this loss, and with the inevitable losses that lie in my future. Just from writing this piece, I’m already starting to see clearer connections between the life I experience with my mental illness and the life I experience outside of it. Everything I know, I know through the lens of my borderline personality disorder — including my grief.

I read grief described somewhere recently as “half matter, half motion.” My own (probably completely inaccurate) interpretation of this is that grief is there with you as a constant, but it comes and goes, like the waves. They’re completely drowning you one minute and then pulling back out to sea the next — still in sight but further away and avoidable, at least until the next one rolls towards you. Often our instinct is to run away, to escape, to jump out of the bitter, freezing water and put a cosy, dry jumper on instead, and that’s OK. Falling head on into a powerful, difficult emotion isn’t always possible or best, but we do have to try and get much better with being open about the fact that it is there at all. It can appear impossible to translate the words of your grief when there is no simple, easy language for how it feels — particularly when it might be complicated by something like mental illness. So, let’s work on making one. Grief is for all of us, after all.

How to survive the death of loved ones? Councils of Krasnoyarsk psychologists | NGS24

If a person has greatly changed his behavior after experiencing stress, this is a reason to turn to a psychotherapist

Share

People are afraid to talk about death, but, unfortunately, no one from meeting with it not insured. And, faced with it, a person does not know what to do: he is tormented by despair, guilt, a sense of injustice. At this time, it is so important that someone is there. However, often those who support also do not know how to behave in such cases, risking aggravating an already difficult condition. In this article, correspondent Sasha Simutina talked about death with child and adult psychologists and shared her personal experience. We hope this material will not be useful to you, but you need to be ready for anything.

With the president of the Krasnoyarsk branch of the Professional Psychotherapeutic League, Nikolai Rychkov, we first of all talked about how to support someone who is faced with the death of a loved one.

— Of course, in this case, participation and attention to a loved one who finds himself in such a situation is important. But it is very important to know that attention should not be excessive. It is important not to take a person to some noisy companies, to an event or party in order to see - he will have the feeling that this is a feast during the plague. Respect the human right to privacy and reflection, especially in such life habits, Rychkov advises.

As opposed to some big company, you can go for a walk in nature together, where you can be in silence in order to live and experience what happened. If you want to make life easier for a person who is faced with grief, take away from him all his usual obligations, household chores, cooking and cleaning. It is not necessary to involve him in what he does on a daily basis, of course, if he himself does not want to do it. But you don't have to force anything.

— Colleagues or acquaintances should not pay increased attention to what happened, so as not to once again provoke sorrowful memories and feelings, it is better to communicate on familiar topics. Talk about this topic only if the person himself raises it. In this case, you need to support the person, find out how he is coping now, whether he needs help, is there someone close with whom he can share his experiences. And, perhaps, offer yourself for this role, - Nikolai Rychkov explains.

At the same time, it is also important to ensure that a person does not dwell on grief. The first year is the most difficult, but especially difficult - these are the first 3-6 months after the death of a loved one. After that, the situation gradually levels off, and the person understands that life goes on. If he withdraws too much into himself, does not make contact, it is worth sounding the alarm and trying to persuade him to go to a specialist. Otherwise, grief will turn into depression. But even here it is worth approaching each one individually: if even before the incident a person was not particularly cheerful and talkative, then perhaps this isolation is his normal state.

You should give yourself time to grieve, but you don't need to go in cycles in your grief

Another moment is when the living feel guilty that their loved one has died. This happens because a person begins to scroll through situations in his head, to think that he did something wrong somewhere and thereby brought the death of the one he loves closer. This is normal, but this feeling needs to be switched in time or redirected in a different direction.

- See only those who you like, do only what you want, or what you have long dreamed of. Focus on yourself. Suffering is encouraged in certain religious teachings, but in ordinary life they do not bring any benefit and lead to panic attacks and exacerbation of certain diseases, such as heart disease or gastrointestinal tract, Nikolai Rychkov reveals.

The most unpleasant thing that one can encounter is the devaluation of one's feelings in the process of mourning. With such people it is necessary to interrupt communication immediately, even if they are the only ones you know. Only a stupid person can devalue this, the psychotherapist concludes.

It is one thing to survive death as an adult, it is quite another to talk about it with children who, due to their age, do not even understand what happened. On this occasion, we talked with the child psychologist of the Vysota center, Daria Velichieva. The psychologist advises not to deceive children and to call what happened by their proper names, without inventing euphemisms.

— It is necessary to rely on age characteristics and norms. It will be difficult for a child under three years old to explain what death is, but it is definitely necessary to talk about this topic. For example, if a grandmother died, you will say about it in a month or two, it will not be entirely correct. Of course, parents want to protect the child from worries, but withholding information can undermine trust in loved ones. The pain will still overtake, but it will be even stronger.

You shouldn't invent a story that a dead person has gone somewhere. It is not necessary to talk in detail about what happened, but you can share emotions: we are upset, we mourn and feel sad, we are hurt.

The question of death will arise in a child one way or another - usually interest awakens at the age of 5 to 7 years. Children begin to be afraid of death, ask their parents: “Are you going to die too?” There's nothing terrible about it, it's just interesting. You can talk about it, say that you will live a very long time, and talk about death using the example of plants or flowers. There are no templates and preparations for how to talk to children about death. And it can’t be, says the psychologist.

It is important for parents to call a spade a spade and not be afraid to talk to their children about death

Share

Daria Velichieva also advises against using any euphemisms in a conversation with a child, for example, instead of saying “died” - “gone”, “she is no more”. Questions are possible: “Where did you go? Why not?" People are afraid to pronounce the words “death”, “died”, but there is nothing terrible in these words, and this must be remembered. And adults also need to remember that the psyche of a child is not the same as that of an adult. And take it easy:

— Children may have such a phenomenon when their mood changes dramatically: sometimes they are sad, then they play and have fun again, then they are sad again. This is normal - this is how the child's psyche is protected. No need to make him mourn at all costs. He cannot be in the same mourning state as an adult for a long time. Be there, be ready to hug. Sometimes, instead of pain and tears, children experience anger. This is important to understand and reflect.

It may be that the child does not show any emotions at all - this is also normal and does not mean that he is not worried. The reaction may be later. Parents are advised in this case not to be offended by the child, but to be ready to talk. And if the child does not want to discuss this, then it is not worth dragging him into conversations about death by force.

It is worth contacting a psychologist or psychotherapist when the condition of a child or teenager has not changed for 2–3 months. If the child is very closed, does not play, continues to be aggressive or whiny - this is an alarming bell. For some children, stress can even cause a setback in their development - and this is also often a reason to seek qualified help.

For the first time in adulthood, I faced death in 2021, when in August my grandmother, who was the closest person, died of a heart attack. Before that, I had already lost loved ones, but that was a long time ago, I was a teenager. However, I was very afraid of my grandmother's death, and when it happened, I was not ready for it.

What helped me? Conversations with loved ones. Support, not even from the closest, but just from acquaintances. Scrolling through old photos, writing down memories, working on this topic with a psychologist. It was in this situation that I asked for help for the first time, when I realized that the pain was rushing out, and I could no longer burden others. In addition, my mother also needed support, who lost her mother so suddenly and suddenly. Two weeks after my grandmother died, I got a tattoo in memory of her - and now she is always with me. For the first two months, I wrote letters to her every day. Now I'm just talking to her in my head. I often dream about her - and this helps me too, thanks to the subconscious.

My husband helped me a lot, who, as the psychologists advised above, took care of absolutely all household chores. He listened to me, wiped my tears, was there and never devalued and did not say anything like: “Don't cry”, “Don't be sad”, because he knew perfectly well that I would not be able to follow this advice. Friends helped, some colleagues helped, who listened to me at lunch breaks and were sympathetic to my situation. I cried as much as needed, and absolutely everywhere. Sometimes even on a walk or even at work. It was important for me to speak out and say it: and thanks to those who endured, were there and did not devalue.

Over time, the pain will fade, but the memory will remain forever

Share

There were some completely discouraging and strange things. The questions were very stupid: “How are you doing?” or “Why are you sad?” in the first weeks after the death of my grandmother, despite the fact that these people knew what happened to me. Such questions could bring tears, but mostly they made me wonder: it seemed quite obvious how I was doing, because I had lost a loved one.

When I first found out that my grandmother was no more, my first thought was not to go to my native city for the funeral, so as not to see her like this, but to remember her alive and smiling. But I still overcame myself and eventually realized how important it is to say goodbye for the last time. I think it would be important for her.

In general, the most important thing to understand is that any of your emotions at the moment of acute grief are normal. In such a vulnerable state, it’s even good to be selfish, focus on yourself and not think about the feelings of others. If these "others" value you, they will understand it. And if not, it’s even good that they will probably leave your life.

I hope you don't really need this material, but if you suddenly stumble upon it when you feel very bad, remember: the pain will definitely subside and become easier. Only light sadness and a pile of memories of the one you love will remain. This is the most important thing.

Coping with the death of a loved one

This information will help you learn how to deal with grief and take care of yourself after the death of a loved one. We hope this material will help you and your family.

back to top of page

Grief

Grief is a normal response to loss. Grief has psychological (mental), emotional and physical manifestations.

After the death of a loved one, you may experience shock or disbelief. Some people feel numb or feel like they are in a dream. There may be times when you feel sad, empty, or alone. You may even feel angry, guilty, or relieved. It is normal to experience several of these feelings at the same time.

Grief can also be accompanied by physical manifestations, including changes in appetite, weight, or habitual sleep patterns. You may have a headache or stomachache. In addition, it may be difficult for you to think about returning to your daily activities or work. Some days you may have more energy than others. Remember that there is no right or wrong way to deal with grief. Each person goes through this in their own way.

The first months after the loss can be the most painful, but feelings often change over time. Some people will tell you that the grief of losing a loved one didn't leave them for a year. In fact, there is no clear time frame for this feeling. Because of the nature of your relationship with your loved one, you may experience grief differently than other people.

back to top of page

Coping with the death of a loved one

We will name a few things to keep in mind as time goes on.

Honoring the memory of a loved one

In various cultures and religions there are rituals to honor the memory of a person after his death. Sometimes families create their own rituals, such as lighting candles or a special family meal. You may want to honor the memory of a loved one in a special, meaningful way for you. It is also possible that you would like to honor a loved one more openly. This could be an Internet posting in memory of the deceased, a memorial plaque, or a tree planted in the garden. All this will contribute to the formation of a sense of community and kinship. You may want to discuss with your spirit guide, friends, and family how you would like to honor a loved one. Whatever you choose, remember that there is no right or wrong way to honor a loved one.

How to manage your personal belongings

Your loved one's clothes and personal belongings may have special meaning to you. Some people feel an urgent need to empty cabinets and shelves immediately after the death of a loved one. Others keep everything as it was before the loss. You may find solace in your loved one's clothes or books. You can also give these things to relatives and friends. These decisions can only be made by you. Do not rush to decide something and do what will be most acceptable for you and for your family.

Connecting with family and friends

Relatives and friends can support you during this time. However, they will have their own feelings and reactions related to the death of a loved one and your grief. Some people don't know what to say to a grieving person. They may say something tactless or rude when trying to sympathize. Your needs may not always be clear to your partner or your relatives or friends. For this reason, it can be helpful to talk about your needs, even when it's difficult. If you're not ready to talk, you might find it easier to write an email or send a text message. You can also ask a friend or relative to help you connect with others during this period.

Making decisions

You may find it difficult to make decisions at the moment. For this reason, after the loss of a loved one, it may be better to postpone important matters for a few months or a year. These issues include moving, moving to a new job, or reviewing financial affairs. You may find it helpful to seek advice from friends and family when it comes time to make these decisions.

Holidays and anniversaries

There will be various significant dates such as anniversaries, birthdays and holidays that will remind you of the loss. It can be hard for you to celebrate these days for the first time without a loved one. Planning ahead will help make them a little easier.

You may want to mark these days differently this time. One option might be to revise old family traditions or establish new ones. You may find comfort in socializing with friends and family, or you may prefer to do things alone. Whatever your decision, remember that there is no right or wrong way to spend these days. Try to do what is most acceptable to you.

How to help a child cope with loss

The death of a loved one affects children of all ages. If you have children who are bereaved, you may want to protect them from the sadness you are experiencing. However, it is important to be aware of what happened and recognize that all children will experience loss in their own way.

How your children experience grief depends on their age, on their concept of death, and on the behavior of others who serve as an example for children. However, it is important to be honest with them about what happened, using age-appropriate language. Phrases such as "no longer with us" or "passed away" may be incomprehensible to young children. They may experience grief in different ways and at different times. Be honest with your children and answer their questions. This will help them feel your love and protection, as well as the participants in your joint work to return to normal life.

If you have difficulty communicating with children, ask a family member, friend or professional social counselor for help. A Memorial Sloan Kettering (MSK) social worker can give you more information about support services for you and your family.

back to top of page

Personal care

Grief can cause mental, physical and emotional distress. It is important to pay attention to your needs. During this period, self-care may not be the main thing for you. You may be focused on caring for other family members. You may even feel guilty about paying attention to yourself. Allowing yourself to take care of yourself and taking the time to do so will help you deal with the loss.

Here are some examples of how you can take care of yourself when dealing with the death of a loved one.

Find time for yourself

Each of us takes care of ourselves in our own way. Some people benefit from physical activity, such as walking or exercising. Others prefer socializing with friends and relatives, or sharing meals and conversations. You can learn new skills like cooking or gardening. By taking the time to find new ways to comfort and enjoy yourself, you can recover from grief faster.

Build a support system

Grieving alone can be very difficult. It is important to create a support system for you and your family. This may include:

  • spending time with friends and family;
  • participation in a support group;
  • seeking advice from specialists;
  • volunteering or participating in community activities.

It is important to maintain open communication with those who support you. Talking to them about your experiences will help you stay connected while you grieve.

Recognize the need for professional help

Some people may feel overwhelmed by grief if their feelings do not change over time or become increasingly difficult. If you have been experiencing these feelings for 6 months or longer since the death of a loved one, you may need to consider getting additional support.

Here are some signs that you need professional help:

  • you are deeply sad and feel that life has lost its meaning;
  • you lost interest in what you liked, or stopped enjoying it;
  • you avoid social events;
  • you find it difficult to make decisions or solve everyday tasks;
  • you are unable to care for yourself or your children, or neither;
  • you have trouble sleeping or eating, or both;
  • you experience strong feelings of guilt, regret or anger;
  • you have developed bad habits, such as alcohol or drug abuse;
  • you have thoughts of suicide or harming yourself.

Various MSK counselors can help you. These include social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists, spirit guides, mental health counselors, and art and music therapists. A counselor can help you cope with changing your outlook on life, taking care of yourself and your family, and doing your daily activities.

We cannot prevent death, but with time, patience, and support, we can learn to deal with loss. Most importantly, we can find ways to find meaning in life again.

back to top of page

Resources

MSK offers a range of resources for grieving families and friends. For more information on the resources listed below, visit www.mskcc.org/cancer-care/counseling-support/support-grieving-family-friends.

To find out about bereavement services at MSK, contact your healthcare provider or the Department of Social Work's Bereavement Program. Call 646-888-4889 or send an email to [email protected].

Department of Social Work Bereaved Support Program
646-888-4889
[email protected]
The Department of Social Work's bereaved support program includes free phone consultations, support groups, and educational lectures, and recommends local social assistance resources for the community. Social workers for oncological (cancer) patients provide qualified assistance in solving the psychological, social and spiritual problems that arise in those who experience loss. They can also help solve practical problems for bereaved persons, their families and friends.

MSK Counseling Center
646-888-0100
Some grieving families find that specialist advice has helped them. Our psychiatrists and psychologists work at the bereavement clinic, where they provide counseling and support to individuals, couples and families. They may also prescribe medications to help you get out of your depression.

Spiritual Support
212-639-5982
Our chaplains are available to listen and support family members, pray and reach out to local clergy or religious groups. They can also simply comfort and lend a hand of spiritual help. Anyone can apply for spiritual support, regardless of their religion.

Integrative Medicine Service
646-449-1010
Our Integrative Medicine Service offers patients a variety of treatments in addition to conventional medical care and emotional support services.

Learn more