Build your self esteem

Raising low self-esteem - NHS

We all have times when we lack confidence and do not feel good about ourselves.

But when low self-esteem becomes a long-term problem, it can have a harmful effect on our mental health and our day-to-day lives.

What is self-esteem?

Self-esteem is the opinion we have of ourselves.

When we have healthy self-esteem, we tend to feel positive about ourselves and about life in general. It makes us better able to deal with life's ups and downs.

When our self-esteem is low, we tend to see ourselves and our life in a more negative and critical light. We also feel less able to take on the challenges that life throws at us.

What causes low self-esteem?

Low self-esteem often begins in childhood. Our teachers, friends, siblings, parents, and even the media send us positive and negative messages about ourselves.

For some reason, the message that you are not good enough is the one that stays with you.

Perhaps you found it difficult to live up to other people's expectations of you, or to your own expectations.

Stress and difficult life events, such as serious illness or a bereavement, can have a negative effect on self-esteem.

Personality can also play a part. Some people are just more prone to negative thinking, while others set impossibly high standards for themselves.

How does low self-esteem affect us?

If you have low self-esteem or confidence, you may hide yourself away from social situations, stop trying new things, and avoid things you find challenging.

In the short term, avoiding challenging and difficult situations might make you feel safe.

In the longer term, this can backfire because it reinforces your underlying doubts and fears. It teaches you the unhelpful rule that the only way to cope is by avoiding things.

Living with low self-esteem can harm your mental health and lead to problems such as depression and anxiety.

You may also develop unhelpful habits, such as smoking and drinking too much, as a way of coping.

How to have healthy self-esteem

To boost your self-esteem, you need to identify the negative beliefs you have about yourself, then challenge them.

You may tell yourself you're "too stupid" to apply for a new job, for example, or that "nobody cares" about you.

Start to note these negative thoughts and write them on a piece of paper or in a diary. Ask yourself when you first started to think these thoughts.

Next, start to write some evidence that challenges these negative beliefs, such as, "I'm really good at cryptic crosswords" or "My sister calls for a chat every week".

Write down other positive things about yourself, such as "I'm thoughtful" or "I'm a great cook" or "I'm someone that others trust".

Also write some good things that other people say about you.

Aim to have at least 5 positive things on your list and add to it regularly. Then put your list somewhere you can see it. That way, you can keep reminding yourself that you're OK.

You might have low confidence now because of what happened when you were growing up, but we can grow and develop new ways of seeing ourselves at any age.

Other ways to improve low self-esteem

Here are some other simple techniques that may help you feel better about yourself.

Recognise what you're good at

We're all good at something, whether it's cooking, singing, doing puzzles or being a friend. We also tend to enjoy doing the things we're good at, which can help boost your mood.

Build positive relationships

If you find certain people tend to bring you down, try to spend less time with them, or tell them how you feel about their words or actions.

Try to build relationships with people who are positive and who appreciate you.

Be kind to yourself

Being kind to yourself means being gentle to yourself at times when you feel like being self-critical.

Think what you'd say to a friend in a similar situation. We often give far better advice to others than we do to ourselves.

Learn to be assertive

Being assertive is about respecting other people's opinions and needs, and expecting the same from them.

One trick is to look at other people who act assertively and copy what they do.

It's not about pretending you're someone you're not. It's picking up hints and tips from people you admire and letting the real you come out.

Start saying "no"

People with low self-esteem often feel they have to say yes to other people, even when they do not really want to.

The risk is that you become overburdened, resentful, angry and depressed.

For the most part, saying no does not upset relationships. It can be helpful to keep saying no, but in different ways, until they get the message.

Give yourself a challenge

We all feel nervous or afraid to do things at times. But people with healthy self-esteem do not let these feelings stop them trying new things or taking on challenges.

Set yourself a goal, such as joining an exercise class or going to a social occasion. Achieving your goals will help to increase your self-esteem.

Where to find help for low self-esteem

Psychological therapies like counselling or cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can help.

You can refer yourself for psychological therapies on the NHS.

If you prefer, you can talk to a GP first and they can refer you.

You could also find a private therapist. Make sure they're registered with a professional body.

Audio: unhelpful thinking

In this audio guide, a doctor helps you to replace negative thoughts with more positive thinking.

Media last reviewed: 2 March 2021
Media review due: 2 March 2024

Visit healthtalk. org to hear young people talking about their experiences of low self-esteem.

Video: psychological therapies for stress, anxiety and depression

Animated video explaining self-referral to psychological therapies services for stress, anxiety or depression.

Media last reviewed: 14 March 2022
Media review due: 14 March 2025

Improving Self-Esteem | Skills You Need

Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself, or the opinion you have about yourself. Everyone has times when they feel a bit low or find it hard to believe in themselves. However, if this becomes a long-term situation, this can lead to problems, including mental health issues such as depression or anxiety. Some of the symptoms of low self-esteem can also be a sign of these problems.

Self-esteem is often the result of a lifetime of experiences, and particularly what happened to us as children. However, it is possible to improve your self-esteem at any age. This page provides more information about self-esteem, and some actions that you can take to improve it.

Understanding Self-Esteem

Some people think of self-esteem as their inner voice (or self-dialogue) – the voice that tells you whether you are good enough to do or achieve something.

Self-esteem is actually about how we value ourselves, and our perceptions about who we are and what we are capable of.

Self-esteem is not about ability

Self-esteem is often not associated with either your own ability, or other people’s perceptions of you.

It is quite possible for someone who is good at something to have poor self-esteem. Conversely, someone who struggles with a particular task might generally have good self-esteem.

People with good self-esteem generally feel positive about themselves, and about life. This makes them much more resilient, and better able to cope with life’s ups and downs.
Those with poor self-esteem, however, are often much more critical of themselves. They find it harder to bounce back from challenges and setbacks. This may lead them to avoid difficult situations. That can, however, actually decrease their self-esteem still further, because they feel even worse about themselves as a result.

A lack of self-esteem can therefore influence how people behave, not to mention what they achieve in their lives.

You may find it interesting to read our page The Importance of Mindset for more about how attitude influences behaviour.

Why Do People Experience Low Self-Esteem?

There are many reasons why someone might have low self-esteem. However, it often starts in childhood, perhaps with a feeling that you were unable to live up to expectations. It can also be the result of adult experiences such as a difficult relationship, either personal or at work.

Self-esteem, domestic violence and abuse

The victims of domestic violence and abuse often have low self-esteem.

This may be because their abuser has spent time belittling them and making them feel bad about themselves, reducing their self-esteem. However, it may also be that their low self-esteem made them more vulnerable to being abused because they did not feel that they were valuable.

Nobody should have to suffer from abuse or violence.

If you, or anyone you know, is in this situation, you should seek help.

In the UK, sources of help include Childline, telephone 0800 1111, the NSPCC , and the National Domestic Violence Helpline, 0808 2000 247.
In the US, Government advice is that you can call the Domestic Violence Hotline on 800-799-SAFE (7233).

Stressful life events, such as a divorce or bereavement, can also have negative effects on your self-esteem.

Improving Your Self-Esteem

There are a number of ways in which you can improve your self-esteem.

1. Identify and Challenge Your Negative Beliefs

The first step is to identify, and then challenge, your negative beliefs about yourself.

Notice your thoughts about yourself. For example, you might find yourself thinking ‘I’m not clever enough to do that’ or ‘I have no friends’. When you do, look for evidence that contradicts those statements. Write down both statement and evidence, and keep looking back at it to remind yourself that your negative beliefs about yourself are not true.

2. Identify the Positive About Yourself

It is also a good idea to write down positive things about yourself, such as being good at a sport, or nice things that people have said about you. When you start to feel low, look back at these things, and remind yourself that there is plenty of good about you.

In general, positive internal dialogue is a big part of improving your self-esteem.

If you catch yourself saying things like ‘I’m not good enough’ or ‘I’m a failure’, you can start to turn things around by saying ‘I can beat this’ and ‘I can become more confident by viewing myself in a more positive way’.

To begin with you will catch yourself falling back into old negative habits, but with regular effort you can start to feel more positive and build your self-esteem as well.

3. Build Positive Relationships—and Avoid Negative Ones

You will probably find that there are certain people—and certain relationships—that make you feel better than others.

If there are people who make you feel bad about yourself, try to avoid them.

Build relationships with people who make you feel good about yourself and avoid the relationships that drag you down.

4. Give Yourself a Break

You don’t have to be perfect every hour of every day. You don’t even have to feel good about yourself all the time.

Self-esteem varies from situation to situation, from day to day and hour to hour. Some people feel relaxed and positive with friends and colleagues, but uneasy and shy with strangers. Others may feel totally in command of themselves at work but struggle socially (or vice versa).

Give yourself a break. We all have times when we feel a bit down or find it harder to maintain our self-belief.

The key is not to be too hard on yourself. Be kind to yourself, and not too critical.

Avoid criticising yourself to others, because this can reinforce your negative views—and also give other people a (possibly false) negative opinion of you.

You can help to boost your self-esteem by giving yourself a treat whenever you succeed in doing something hard, or just for managing a particularly bad day.

5. Become More Assertive and Learn to Say No

People with low self-esteem often find it hard to stand up for themselves or say no to others.

This means that they may become over-burdened at home or at work, because they do not like to refuse anyone anything. However, this can increase stress, and make it even harder to manage.

Developing your assertiveness can therefore help to improve your self-esteem. Sometimes acting as if you believed in yourself can actually help to increase self-belief!

Our pages on Assertiveness provide more information about this, including how to improve your assertiveness.

6. Improve Your Physical Health

It is much easier to feel good about ourselves when we are fit and healthy.

However, people with low self-esteem often neglect themselves, because they do not feel that they ‘deserve’ to be looked after.

Try taking more exercise, eating well, and getting enough sleep. It is also a good idea to make time to relax and to do something that you want to do, rather than something that someone else expects you to do. You may find that simple changes like this can make a huge difference to your overall outlook.

You may like to read our pages on The Importance of Exercise, Diet, Health and Nutrition, What is Sleep? and The Importance of Sleep for more information. You might also like our page on Relaxation Techniques.

7. Take On Challenges

People with low self-esteem often avoid challenging and difficult situations.

One way to improve your self-esteem can actually be to take on a challenge. This doesn’t mean that you need to do everything yourself—part of the challenge might be to seek help when you need it—but be prepared to try something that you know will be difficult to achieve.

By succeeding, you show yourself that you can achieve.

This challenges your negative beliefs and will therefore improve your self-esteem.

The Importance of Small Steps

It is very unlikely that you will go from poor to good self-esteem overnight.

Instead, you will probably find you make small improvements over a period of time. The key is to look over the long term, rather than day-to-day, and focus on the big picture, not the detail of how you felt at a particular moment yesterday.

When you feel good, or you do something good, celebrate it—but don’t beat yourself up if you occasionally slip back into negative patterns of thinking. Just pick yourself up again and try to think more positively. Eventually, this will become a habit and you will find that your self-esteem has quietly got better.

9 Easy Ways to Boost Your Self-Esteem

October 24, 2021Life

Even the best of us doubt ourselves sometimes.

1. Talk to the mirror

Strange as it may sound, you need to learn how to talk to your reflection in the mirror. And not just to speak, but to convince that you are the best, gifted, capable and confident.

This idea may seem very stupid. Ignore it and start practicing. Convince the reflection of your own strength and rightness. If you perform this exercise regularly, then it will definitely give results.

2. Drive away bad thoughts

Bad and negative thoughts, like a tenacious spider, can wrap around us in a web of doubt. Most often, of course, this happens before bedtime. At night, even small mistakes knock the ground out from under your feet.

You will need all the will to drive these thoughts away. It will be difficult, but you try. Otherwise, uncertainty will swallow you up.

3. Do introspection

Take a sheet of paper and divide it into three parts. On one write down ten of your strengths, on another write down ten accomplishments, and on the third write down ten things you like about yourself.

It is not necessary to write down the most significant achievements or main character traits. After all, the ability to bake the perfect pizza can also be a strength.

These lists are for reminding yourself how awesome you are.

4. Don't compare yourself to others

Neither in reality nor on social networks. On the Internet, everyone is trying to create only the appearance of an ideal life, which should not be trusted. And certainly you can not compare yourself with some ephemeral virtual image.

Can't shake the feeling that everyone around you is better than you? Then do this: be interested in the lives of other people, but do not compare yourself with them, but find out exactly how they achieved success.

5. Be kind to yourself

We make very tough demands on ourselves and reproach ourselves for wrongdoings that we would forgive another person in a minute. Don't do it. Be kind to yourself, stop self-flagellation and treat your actions and thoughts with understanding and compassion.

6. Seek support

It is very important that you have someone you can rely on. Friends greatly influence how we feel, our level of happiness, our self-esteem.

Surround yourself with those who help you feel better, improve your mood and smile every day.

7. Don't Forget the Basics

When talking to your reflection or writing down a list of ten accomplishments, don't forget the simple principles:

Eat right.
Wear clean and nice clothes.
Maintain good personal hygiene.

Why is it important to be clean and look good? Because it helps you feel better and more confident.

8. Do charity work

Numerous studies have shown that helping others makes us feel better. Volunteering and charity make us happy. By helping those who are less fortunate, you begin to appreciate what you have. It's also nice to lend a helping hand. This is a simple and good thing.

9. Learn something new

First of all, it's fun and interesting. Secondly, you will find new acquaintances and friends. Find out what courses are available in your city. Maybe you are a good cook, artist or chess player. Are you embarrassed to go to group classes? Then try online courses.

How to improve self-esteem | BroDude.ru

If you type “how to increase self-esteem” in a search engine, then the Google monster will give you a huge set of links stuffed with philosophical and psychological fornication, as well as texts in the spirit of “criticize yourself less, and everything will be fine!”, But if If it were that simple, then absolutely everyone in the world would have the confidence of Hercules, or at least Bruce Wayne. However, convincing yourself that you are good and great only works in the early days of dealing with low self-esteem. And when you face reality, then all your psychological tricks begin to rot from the inside - everything collapses, and you are disgusted with yourself again.

5 signs that it's time for you to take on yourself

Just don't ask how to do it, we've been writing about it for 4 years.

Sources of self-respect

Self-respect is not taken out of thin air. Yes, you could meet some fools in life who thought more of themselves than they should, while doing nothing really, but we have no acceptance for them - on the contrary, they all annoy us wildly. A person who knows his worth and is proud of himself is a person who is completely worthy of this feeling. He learned something, did something, realized something, somehow changed the world around him, even if this change only affected the entrance. You can’t respect emptiness - you won’t raise self-esteem with emptiness, although some people try to insist on what else you can raise.

For example, they are proud of belonging to a particular religious denomination, political party, ideological spectrum, state affiliation, gender. But this is stupid. It is foolish to respect yourself for something that you are not involved in. Great, you were born a man, so what? Or maybe your ancestors fought in the Great Patriotic War? Fine, but how do you feel about it? To respect oneself for being “given” is, we repeat, respect for emptiness. And when you do that, you don't really change anything - you just deceive yourself.

Only real deeds, real thoughts, sincere self-sacrifice can be real sources of self-respect — choose what is closer to you, but it should be “something” and not “nothing”, if you understand what we are talking about.

Find your strengths

We understand that you do not see them, but even children have them - some are good at math, and some are good at football. Each person has a predisposition to something, and this can relate to both professional activities and hobbies, third-party skills or abilities.

Try to figure out what your strengths are. Perhaps you are great at telling jokes - everyone laughs at them, and at such moments you do not feel like a nonentity. Fix this skill in memory. If you know War and Peace by heart, then you are already unique - we have no idea why you learned this text, but we can be proud of it. Perhaps you are good at working with wood or meat. Or maybe you know all the characters in the Marvel and DC universes combined - this is worthy of respect, at least in certain circles.

So the first thing you have to do is find your strengths. They exist, we know it for sure. If you have a problem finding them, then ask your inner circle (friends, girlfriend) to help you with this. From the outside, sometimes your best qualities are seen better.

Put your strengths into practice

Okay, you've identified your strengths. Now put them into practice. You did it before, but now you have to do it consciously, saying to yourself: “This is what I can do well, and everyone around understands that I do it well.” Knowledge can be applied in conversation, skills in action, and skills in situations where they are useful to you.

The more often you practice with what you are already good at, the more you will realize the value of your personality. And this will not be self-deception - you will do the real thing, and not just drive psychological attitudes into your head that do not work at all.

Be sure to record your "practice", especially at first. For example, if you have designed some kind of wooden thing (a chandelier, as an option), then write down your achievement in a diary. If you wrote a play (yes, in the 21st century some people write plays), then write that down as well. In general, we recommend keeping a diary where you would enter all the important moments of your life - this makes your existence more holistic, meaningful, which helps your self-respect, otherwise "you are nobody and there is no way to call you."

Don't think you're shit when you lose.

Nobody's perfect, and you're probably worse than the millions of guys around you - worse intellectually, physically and morally. However, perhaps no one cooks shawarma better than all these millions of unfortunate souls. Understand correctly: to reproach yourself for the fact that something does not work out for you is unproductive. Of course, you must admit your mistakes, but instead of focusing on the fact of failure, try to use the experience to your advantage. Any defeat can be turned into a victory - this is clearly shown to us by world history, and we are used to listening to its lessons.

Life on your own terms

There are more important things in life than money, clothes, a Steam account, and your collection of single malts.

Motivate yourself from selfish and altruistic positions

One of the fundamental aspects of self-respect is motivation. There are many ways to motivate yourself, but the most effective ones run on two brands of fuel, called "Altruism" and "Egoism". From these words you will have to proceed all your life in order to build a healthy self-esteem.

Selfishness works in the following way. You build a life according to your interests - you work to earn more money; you get promoted in order to have more power; you love not out of compassion, but out of love; having sex when you feel like it. Your task is to provide yourself with full access to all the benefits of humanity in the 21st century. To do this, you have to be the best in everything. To do this, you will also have to work hard, what to hide - it's great to grow wiser. Think less about moral issues - more about profit. When you begin to see the fruits of your own success, even the smallest and illusory ones, then your self-esteem will begin to grow like brewer's yeast, and everything will be fine.

Altruism is different. And, frankly, altruism seems to us a very ambiguous thing that can turn you into a goat. This is such a dope for people with low self-esteem. Do a "good deed" and society will pat you on the head and you'll be a hero even if you didn't do anything special, but it works. You can do community service, help some orphanage or dog shelter, or you can just solve city problems - devote your time to create a reputation for yourself as a “person who cares”, but we somehow understand that all this is you doing it to make you feel better. There is nothing wrong with that, so take action - by helping others, you are helping yourself.

Do what you believe in

A person feels worst of all in the moments when he creates some kind of game, forgetting about his principles. He enters into a confrontation with his conscience, does a “bad deed”, and then begins to bite his elbows - everyone has come across this, and it is precisely such moments in life that make us weak people, ready for self-flagellation.

Banal advice that BroDude will give you so that in the future you will not have this - do only what you believe in. You should not shake your personality with bad deeds from your subjective point of view. Sometimes between choosing honor and choosing a million gold bars, you have to choose honor.

Cultivate old-school masculine qualities

You won't have any problems with this - we often write about them on BroDude.

Courage, pride, independence, understanding, firmness, politeness, strength, responsibility - this is only part of what turns a boy into a real man, even a gentleman. The modern world convinces you that thoughts and ideas have long been worth nothing, that the most important thing is money. If you build your life according to the ideology of the consumer society, then very soon you will feel completely defeated, deceived and insignificant.

There is always something that remains "righteous" for a long time. Being a fair, honest, responsible man is better than being a man who only has a dollar sign in his heart. Money comes and goes, but honor, once gone, can never return.

Surround yourself with “people of action”, not “people of envy”

Your environment plays a great role in building complete self-confidence, which means that in building a healthy self-esteem. If you communicate with people who constantly complain, go around forever offended, dull and weak, then you yourself will be like that. In your immediate circle there should be people of action who can direct your activities in a constructive direction, give you advice, encourage and give a good assessment of your work.

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