Asperger men and love
Dating Someone With Asperger's? Here's How To Strengthen Your Bond
All relationships can get complex at times. Dating someone with Asperger’s is no exception, and it brings its own joys and opportunities.
If your partner is on the autism spectrum and you aren’t, it’s natural and not uncommon for both of you to wonder about each other’s reactions or behaviors.
You might find yourselves searching for ways to address your concerns and tips on how to strengthen your bond.
Learning more about autism and Asperger’s can help you navigate some of the situations that may arise. This, in turn, might become the first step toward a stronger relationship.
Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is an umbrella term for a number of conditions, some of which were previously diagnosed separately.
Asperger syndrome, also referred to as Asperger’s, is one of these conditions.
In this article, we’ll be referring to dating someone who has previously received an Asperger’s diagnosis or who identifies with this term.
According to Eva Mendes, LMHC, NCC, a diagnosis of Asperger’s is defined mainly by differences in social communication and emotional regulation reciprocity.
“The communication challenges can be verbal or nonverbal,” Mendes, a psychotherapist who works with adults with Asperger’s, told Psych Central. “Sometimes they can also have rigid behavior patterns and routines.”
“They also tend to have sensory sensitivities,” she added. “That can cause issues with relationships because sometimes they have trouble with touch and sound, and sight and smell and taste.”
These differences in how someone with Asperger’s communicates, perceives touch, and reacts to your emotional expressions might be confusing at first.
Despite the potential challenges, though, it’s possible for a neurotypical person — one who is not on the autism spectrum — to develop a fulfilling long-term relationship with someone with Asperger’s.
Language Matters
In 2013, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.
) removed Asperger’s as a standalone diagnosis and made it part of one umbrella diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder (ASD).
However, some people who were previously diagnosed with Asperger’s still self-identify with the term.
In this article, we use Asperger’s to refer to those people who received the diagnosis or who still identify with it.
In the past, it was believed that a diagnosis of Asperger’s or autism was incompatible with love and relationships. But love is an emotion that can be fully experienced by nearly anyone, despite differences in perception, social interaction patterns, or emotional expression.
In other words, someone with Asperger’s is capable of falling in love. There are, however, some potential challenges both of you could experience along the way. But, isn’t this the case for most relationships?
Some of the challenges might come, in part, from what researcher Damian Milton has called the “double empathy problem.”
The concept refers to the potential difficulty both neurodivergent and neurotypical people may have when attempting to understand each other.
This is not “a problem” someone in the relationship has. Instead, it’s a common occurrence when two people with different outlooks and experiences relate to each other.
According to Milton, autistic people don’t lack empathy, as some people may inaccurately believe.
Neurodivergent people express emotions differently, mostly based on their particular way of experiencing the world.
This might make it difficult for nonautistic people to understand and sometimes empathize with an autistic person.
The same can be said for autistic people understanding nonautistic individuals. It’s a bidirectional experience.
The major challenge comes from assuming that the nonautistic way is the correct and only way.
This might lead to assuming that the autistic partner must make a greater effort to understand and comply with the feelings and needs of the neurotypical partner.
A good starting point, then, for strengthening your bond with someone with Asperger’s might be considering that they shouldn’t always have to come all the way to you.
In other words, it may be important to understand that there’s no one way of “doing relationships,” and that the correct way to relate to others isn’t simply the neurotypical way.
You can meet the other person halfway, and sometimes, you can meet them all the way.
The same way a neurotypical person may be used to certain relationship patterns, a person with Asperger’s may relate to others from their experience, too.
This presents with unique opportunities to learn to relate in different ways. Here are some of the ways someone with Asperger’s may relate to you that may be surprising at first.
Flirting is perceived differently
A person with Asperger’s may not notice your subtle hints when flirting. You may be using your best “moves,” and they could go unnoticed.
“Sometimes, they don’t know when someone is interested in them or flirting with them unless someone is very explicit,” Mendes explained.
This doesn’t mean they aren’t interested.
Instead, they could not be reading or interpreting your cues correctly. You may need to be more direct if you’re interested in some romance.
Taking initiative may be up to you
Making the first move, or organizing a date, may be a difficult task for your partner with Asperger’s. This, again, is not necessarily lack of interest. Instead, it may be linked to potential challenges in executive functioning.
Executive functions are cognitive processes that have a direct impact on behavior. They’re what makes you formulate a plan when you set a goal, for example.
“Sometimes there is lack of initiation; [someone with Asperger’s] might hesitate to ask their partner out on a date,” said Mendes. “Executive functioning is planning and organizing tasks […], and a lot of them do struggle [in that aspect].”
Apparent lack of support
When you’re dating someone with Asperger’s, there might be times when you feel a lack of emotional support or understanding from them.
For example, your partner might not notice when you’re feeling sad or not know how to respond when you tell them you are. This doesn’t mean they don’t care.
“They may miss cues about how their partner is feeling [and] there might be a lack of emotional reciprocity,” Mendes said.
In the same way, it might be possible for you to miss cues about how your neurodivergent partner is feeling because they express these feelings in a different way. This might make them believe you’re not being supportive.
Tough love
When dating a person with Asperger’s, you may find you’re on the receiving end of some blunt comments. Experts say it’s important to remember that your partner may not have meant to upset you. It might be just a matter of differing communication styles.
In the same way that someone with Asperger’s might not realize you’re flirting with them until you clearly state your interest, they may be inclined to tell you what they feel or think directly without subtleties.
“Sometimes, a lot of people on the spectrum don’t have a filter,” Mendes explained.
This means they might say things without realizing the content or tone they’re using. This could lead to some friction unless you understand there’s no intention to upset you.
Verbally expressing love
You may find your partner with Asperger’s doesn’t say “I love you,” or express their emotions, as often as you need them to.
Mendes says this may be because, to your partner, the love between you two has already been established. They might see no need to vocalize emotions any further.
“If their partner says ‘I love you,’ they may say it once and then they feel like ‘I don’t need to say it again because it hasn’t changed,” Mendes explained.
A mismatched libido
Sometimes, people with Asperger’s might have a significantly lower or higher sex drive than some people not living on the spectrum.
As with any romantic relationship, a mismatched sex drive could potentially lead to some difficulties.
“Sometimes, people on the spectrum might have a low sex drive, so that can be a little mismatched. Although that’s not true for everyone,” said Mendes.
Mendes says there are many ways to address the differences and challenges you may experience when dating a person with Asperger’s.
It’s important to remember that “your way” is not necessarily “the way” to a successful relationship. This applies both ways, and compromises are required from both parties.
Communication is everythingMendes suggests that all couples schedule time each day to talk about how each partner is feeling. This could also be an opportunity to air any grievances.
Scheduling this time, she says, is particularly important when dating a person with Asperger’s.
“Sometimes when you have a partner on the spectrum, those random conversations or points of connection aren’t happening, so one has to be deliberate about it,” she said.
Saving time to communicate about your feelings and expectations can help you both understand where the other person is coming from.
When having these moments, it’s important to make a conscious decision that whatever is said will not end up in a fight. Your partner might have different needs or different perceptions about your needs.
Clear and straightforward communication is an opportunity to learn about these perceptions and clarify any misconceptions.
Be clear about intimacy needs“In terms of intimacy issues in the bedroom, you want to be very explicit in communication,” Mendes explained.
“I have one couple where the spouse might say to their partner, ‘Hey! Tonight I think it’ll be good to have sexy time,’ and the partner is like, ‘OK, I’ll be ready!’” Mendes said. “They can get themselves mentally prepared and ration their energies if that’s going to happen.”
Mendes says this approach may feel unromantic to some people but argues it’s important to be explicit and not assume physical or emotional intimacy is going to happen spontaneously.
You might also come up with additional ways to express your emotional and physical intimacy needs to your partner.
For example, you could set alarms for them to call you at specific times of the day just to check in. Or you could remind them you enjoy it when they say “I love you” before leaving the house.
Understanding the need to be more explicit with your partner in order to get what you need can help avoid feelings of rejection.
It’s also important to ask your partner with Asperger’s if they’d like you to do or avoid certain things so they feel your love.
Research Asperger’sLearning more about Asperger’s may help you better understand your partner.
Mendes uses the example of a couple she works with where one partner has sensory differences.
In that case, the partner with Asperger’s didn’t like being touched on the shoulders. Whenever their partner would initiate touch in that area, they would flinch. Then, their partner would feel rejected by this reaction.
Reading more about sensory differences in people on the spectrum helped the neurotypical partner understand this reaction.
They were then able to work together to find other zones that were better for touch.
Learning more about Asperger’s but also asking your partner about their preferences could help you bond in new ways.
Let them know how you feelCommunication is key in any relationship, particularly one where differences may be more evident.
Mendes says it’s important, for example, to let your partner know when the language they’re using feels hurtful or upsetting to you.
“There’s a lot of misunderstandings with how people on the spectrum phrase things. They can be very blunt; they can have no filter,” Mendes explained.
Understanding that this is how they communicate is important. Similarly, you may be communicating in a way that makes your partner feel misunderstood or challenged.
It may be a good idea to let them know how you feel and ask them how they feel.
It’s also important not to assume verbal communication is the best approach for your partner with Asperger’s.
They might prefer other communication outlets when feeling overwhelmed, such as sensory input.
If you believe your partner with Asperger’s may not provide all of the emotional support you need, consider seeking help outside the relationship.
Mendes advises practicing self-care and seeking emotional support through other avenues.
Reaching out to your friends or family can help. You may also consider getting a pet, she says.
It’s not uncommon to feel guilty for investing time and effort in you and your needs outside of your relationship. However, when dating someone with Asperger’s, doing this could take the pressure off your partner and help you meet some of your needs.
In the same way, your partner may also feel the need to reach out for support in other spaces. Support groups or therapy can be a great alternative for both of you.
Reaching out for professional help can facilitate strengthening any relationship.
If you and your partner are trying to work on your challenges and establish better communication, couples counseling could help.
Seeking someone who specializes in supporting autistic people is highly recommended.
“If you feel like there are some recurring things, and you talk about it a few times and you’re just not getting any traction, sometimes it’s just helpful to have a neutral third person there,” says Mendes.
“All of a sudden, hearing it from another perspective will open your mind a bit and make you feel lighter. You might even realize, ‘Wow! I’m actually happier in this relationship than I thought I was!’”
Being in a romantic relationship with someone with Asperger’s might bring its own opportunities.
Whether you just started dating a person with Asperger’s or you’ve been married to them for a while, there are a few practical ways to strengthen your bond.
Learning more about Asperger’s, becoming aware of the opportunities, and seeking professional help are some of the ways you could work together.
“With hard work, awareness, and the right counselor that specializes in this […] you can create a good relationship,” Mendes concluded.
Dating Someone With Asperger's? Here's How To Strengthen Your Bond
All relationships can get complex at times. Dating someone with Asperger’s is no exception, and it brings its own joys and opportunities.
If your partner is on the autism spectrum and you aren’t, it’s natural and not uncommon for both of you to wonder about each other’s reactions or behaviors.
You might find yourselves searching for ways to address your concerns and tips on how to strengthen your bond.
Learning more about autism and Asperger’s can help you navigate some of the situations that may arise. This, in turn, might become the first step toward a stronger relationship.
Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is an umbrella term for a number of conditions, some of which were previously diagnosed separately.
Asperger syndrome, also referred to as Asperger’s, is one of these conditions.
In this article, we’ll be referring to dating someone who has previously received an Asperger’s diagnosis or who identifies with this term.
According to Eva Mendes, LMHC, NCC, a diagnosis of Asperger’s is defined mainly by differences in social communication and emotional regulation reciprocity.
“The communication challenges can be verbal or nonverbal,” Mendes, a psychotherapist who works with adults with Asperger’s, told Psych Central. “Sometimes they can also have rigid behavior patterns and routines.”
“They also tend to have sensory sensitivities,” she added. “That can cause issues with relationships because sometimes they have trouble with touch and sound, and sight and smell and taste.”
These differences in how someone with Asperger’s communicates, perceives touch, and reacts to your emotional expressions might be confusing at first.
Despite the potential challenges, though, it’s possible for a neurotypical person — one who is not on the autism spectrum — to develop a fulfilling long-term relationship with someone with Asperger’s.
Language Matters
In 2013, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.) removed Asperger’s as a standalone diagnosis and made it part of one umbrella diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder (ASD).
However, some people who were previously diagnosed with Asperger’s still self-identify with the term.
In this article, we use Asperger’s to refer to those people who received the diagnosis or who still identify with it.
In the past, it was believed that a diagnosis of Asperger’s or autism was incompatible with love and relationships. But love is an emotion that can be fully experienced by nearly anyone, despite differences in perception, social interaction patterns, or emotional expression.
In other words, someone with Asperger’s is capable of falling in love. There are, however, some potential challenges both of you could experience along the way. But, isn’t this the case for most relationships?
Some of the challenges might come, in part, from what researcher Damian Milton has called the “double empathy problem.
”
The concept refers to the potential difficulty both neurodivergent and neurotypical people may have when attempting to understand each other.
This is not “a problem” someone in the relationship has. Instead, it’s a common occurrence when two people with different outlooks and experiences relate to each other.
According to Milton, autistic people don’t lack empathy, as some people may inaccurately believe.
Neurodivergent people express emotions differently, mostly based on their particular way of experiencing the world.
This might make it difficult for nonautistic people to understand and sometimes empathize with an autistic person.
The same can be said for autistic people understanding nonautistic individuals. It’s a bidirectional experience.
The major challenge comes from assuming that the nonautistic way is the correct and only way.
This might lead to assuming that the autistic partner must make a greater effort to understand and comply with the feelings and needs of the neurotypical partner.
A good starting point, then, for strengthening your bond with someone with Asperger’s might be considering that they shouldn’t always have to come all the way to you.
In other words, it may be important to understand that there’s no one way of “doing relationships,” and that the correct way to relate to others isn’t simply the neurotypical way.
You can meet the other person halfway, and sometimes, you can meet them all the way.
The same way a neurotypical person may be used to certain relationship patterns, a person with Asperger’s may relate to others from their experience, too.
This presents with unique opportunities to learn to relate in different ways. Here are some of the ways someone with Asperger’s may relate to you that may be surprising at first.
Flirting is perceived differently
A person with Asperger’s may not notice your subtle hints when flirting. You may be using your best “moves,” and they could go unnoticed.
“Sometimes, they don’t know when someone is interested in them or flirting with them unless someone is very explicit,” Mendes explained.
This doesn’t mean they aren’t interested. Instead, they could not be reading or interpreting your cues correctly. You may need to be more direct if you’re interested in some romance.
Taking initiative may be up to you
Making the first move, or organizing a date, may be a difficult task for your partner with Asperger’s. This, again, is not necessarily lack of interest. Instead, it may be linked to potential challenges in executive functioning.
Executive functions are cognitive processes that have a direct impact on behavior. They’re what makes you formulate a plan when you set a goal, for example.
“Sometimes there is lack of initiation; [someone with Asperger’s] might hesitate to ask their partner out on a date,” said Mendes. “Executive functioning is planning and organizing tasks […], and a lot of them do struggle [in that aspect].”
Apparent lack of support
When you’re dating someone with Asperger’s, there might be times when you feel a lack of emotional support or understanding from them.
For example, your partner might not notice when you’re feeling sad or not know how to respond when you tell them you are. This doesn’t mean they don’t care.
“They may miss cues about how their partner is feeling [and] there might be a lack of emotional reciprocity,” Mendes said.
In the same way, it might be possible for you to miss cues about how your neurodivergent partner is feeling because they express these feelings in a different way. This might make them believe you’re not being supportive.
Tough love
When dating a person with Asperger’s, you may find you’re on the receiving end of some blunt comments. Experts say it’s important to remember that your partner may not have meant to upset you. It might be just a matter of differing communication styles.
In the same way that someone with Asperger’s might not realize you’re flirting with them until you clearly state your interest, they may be inclined to tell you what they feel or think directly without subtleties.
“Sometimes, a lot of people on the spectrum don’t have a filter,” Mendes explained.
This means they might say things without realizing the content or tone they’re using. This could lead to some friction unless you understand there’s no intention to upset you.
Verbally expressing love
You may find your partner with Asperger’s doesn’t say “I love you,” or express their emotions, as often as you need them to.
Mendes says this may be because, to your partner, the love between you two has already been established. They might see no need to vocalize emotions any further.
“If their partner says ‘I love you,’ they may say it once and then they feel like ‘I don’t need to say it again because it hasn’t changed,” Mendes explained.
A mismatched libido
Sometimes, people with Asperger’s might have a significantly lower or higher sex drive than some people not living on the spectrum.
As with any romantic relationship, a mismatched sex drive could potentially lead to some difficulties.
“Sometimes, people on the spectrum might have a low sex drive, so that can be a little mismatched. Although that’s not true for everyone,” said Mendes.
Mendes says there are many ways to address the differences and challenges you may experience when dating a person with Asperger’s.
It’s important to remember that “your way” is not necessarily “the way” to a successful relationship. This applies both ways, and compromises are required from both parties.
Communication is everythingMendes suggests that all couples schedule time each day to talk about how each partner is feeling. This could also be an opportunity to air any grievances.
Scheduling this time, she says, is particularly important when dating a person with Asperger’s.
“Sometimes when you have a partner on the spectrum, those random conversations or points of connection aren’t happening, so one has to be deliberate about it,” she said.
Saving time to communicate about your feelings and expectations can help you both understand where the other person is coming from.
When having these moments, it’s important to make a conscious decision that whatever is said will not end up in a fight. Your partner might have different needs or different perceptions about your needs.
Clear and straightforward communication is an opportunity to learn about these perceptions and clarify any misconceptions.
Be clear about intimacy needs“In terms of intimacy issues in the bedroom, you want to be very explicit in communication,” Mendes explained.
“I have one couple where the spouse might say to their partner, ‘Hey! Tonight I think it’ll be good to have sexy time,’ and the partner is like, ‘OK, I’ll be ready!’” Mendes said. “They can get themselves mentally prepared and ration their energies if that’s going to happen.”
Mendes says this approach may feel unromantic to some people but argues it’s important to be explicit and not assume physical or emotional intimacy is going to happen spontaneously.
You might also come up with additional ways to express your emotional and physical intimacy needs to your partner.
For example, you could set alarms for them to call you at specific times of the day just to check in. Or you could remind them you enjoy it when they say “I love you” before leaving the house.
Understanding the need to be more explicit with your partner in order to get what you need can help avoid feelings of rejection.
It’s also important to ask your partner with Asperger’s if they’d like you to do or avoid certain things so they feel your love.
Research Asperger’sLearning more about Asperger’s may help you better understand your partner.
Mendes uses the example of a couple she works with where one partner has sensory differences.
In that case, the partner with Asperger’s didn’t like being touched on the shoulders. Whenever their partner would initiate touch in that area, they would flinch. Then, their partner would feel rejected by this reaction.
Reading more about sensory differences in people on the spectrum helped the neurotypical partner understand this reaction.
They were then able to work together to find other zones that were better for touch.
Learning more about Asperger’s but also asking your partner about their preferences could help you bond in new ways.
Let them know how you feelCommunication is key in any relationship, particularly one where differences may be more evident.
Mendes says it’s important, for example, to let your partner know when the language they’re using feels hurtful or upsetting to you.
“There’s a lot of misunderstandings with how people on the spectrum phrase things. They can be very blunt; they can have no filter,” Mendes explained.
Understanding that this is how they communicate is important. Similarly, you may be communicating in a way that makes your partner feel misunderstood or challenged.
It may be a good idea to let them know how you feel and ask them how they feel.
It’s also important not to assume verbal communication is the best approach for your partner with Asperger’s.
They might prefer other communication outlets when feeling overwhelmed, such as sensory input.
If you believe your partner with Asperger’s may not provide all of the emotional support you need, consider seeking help outside the relationship.
Mendes advises practicing self-care and seeking emotional support through other avenues.
Reaching out to your friends or family can help. You may also consider getting a pet, she says.
It’s not uncommon to feel guilty for investing time and effort in you and your needs outside of your relationship. However, when dating someone with Asperger’s, doing this could take the pressure off your partner and help you meet some of your needs.
In the same way, your partner may also feel the need to reach out for support in other spaces. Support groups or therapy can be a great alternative for both of you.
Reaching out for professional help can facilitate strengthening any relationship.
If you and your partner are trying to work on your challenges and establish better communication, couples counseling could help.
Seeking someone who specializes in supporting autistic people is highly recommended.
“If you feel like there are some recurring things, and you talk about it a few times and you’re just not getting any traction, sometimes it’s just helpful to have a neutral third person there,” says Mendes.
“All of a sudden, hearing it from another perspective will open your mind a bit and make you feel lighter. You might even realize, ‘Wow! I’m actually happier in this relationship than I thought I was!’”
Being in a romantic relationship with someone with Asperger’s might bring its own opportunities.
Whether you just started dating a person with Asperger’s or you’ve been married to them for a while, there are a few practical ways to strengthen your bond.
Learning more about Asperger’s, becoming aware of the opportunities, and seeking professional help are some of the ways you could work together.
“With hard work, awareness, and the right counselor that specializes in this […] you can create a good relationship,” Mendes concluded.
How can romantic relationships develop in young people with Asperger's syndrome and high-functioning autism?
04/19/14
Clinical psychologist, specializing in Asperger syndrome, about the features of romantic and intimate relationships in adults with RAS
Author: Tony Etwood
Translation: Tamara Solomatina
9000 9000 9000 9000 9000 9000 9000 9000 9000.S. Autism Network
While young people with classic autism usually suffice with a solitary “hermit” lifestyle, people with Asperger's syndrome and high-functioning autism often do not. Clinical studies have shown that most of these adolescents and young adults are interested in romantic relationships. However, very little research addresses this aspect of autism spectrum disorders or strategies for successfully developing these relationships.
We know that young people with Asperger's have significant difficulty developing relationships with peers and understanding what the other person may be thinking or feeling. Ordinary children learn this naturally and practice the skills to develop relationships with family members and friends long before they use these abilities to successfully develop romantic relationships. Young people diagnosed with Asperger's and high-functioning autism have limited communication skills and may find it difficult to express emotions, especially affection. They may also have very high sensitivity to certain sensory experiences. All of these diagnostic characteristics affect relationship-forming skills as the child grows and will ultimately reduce the adult's chances of a successful long-term relationship. nine0003
Love and affection
People with autism spectrum disorders have difficulty understanding and expressing emotions, and the most difficult emotion for such people is love.
Ordinary children and adults often express their affection with pleasure, know how to express it to exchange mutual feelings of affection and love, and know how to support someone through the expression of affection. A child or adult with autism may not need the same depth and frequency of expressions of love through actions, or may not realize that the situation requires them to display their affection in a way that would please the other person. He or she may be annoyed by how "obsessed" other people are with expressing love for each other. nine0003
Some autistics may be obviously immature in their expressions of affection and sometimes perceive them as a negative experience. For example, a hug may feel uncomfortable and limit movement. A person may become embarrassed or overwhelmed when expected to express and accept fairly moderate expressions of love. I recently developed a cognitive behavioral therapy program for children and adolescents with Asperger's Syndrome that teaches them about the emotion of love and how to express that you love or feel sympathy for someone.
The program will soon be evaluated in a study conducted by the University of Queensland in Australia. nine0003
Special interests
One of the diagnostic characteristics of Asperger's syndrome is the development of a special interest that is unusual in its object and significance. For adolescents and young adults, the target is sometimes a person, which can be interpreted as a typical teenage crush, but the degree of interest and associated behavior often lead to accusations of stalking and harassment. The propensity to develop a special interest can also influence the emergence of relationship knowledge in other ways. Special interests help people with Asperger's in many ways, including acquiring the knowledge to understand the annoying aspects of their life experiences. Adolescents with Asperger's Syndrome often seek to understand and experience in terms of communication and relationships, including romantic and sexual ones, the same as their peers, but they may have problems with sources of information about relationships and sexuality.
nine0003
A teenager with Asperger's syndrome has few or no friends with whom to discuss topics such as romantic or sexual feelings and sexual behavior. Unfortunately, the only source of information for teens with Asperger's can be either porn movies for boys or soap operas for girls. A person with Asperger's Syndrome may decide that the actions shown in pornographic material can serve as a "script" of what to say or do on a date, but this misunderstanding can lead to allegations of harassment. Such allegations are more often related to inappropriate behavior than to violent or aggressive acts of a sexual nature. Girls with Asperger's Syndrome may use movies and TV shows as a source of knowledge about relationships and fail to recognize that TV shows do not accurately reflect the beginning and development of relationships in real life. nine0003
Clinical studies show that unpopular girls with Asperger's syndrome, who are not accepted into any company, after the physical changes that occurred during puberty, are flattered by the attention from boys.
Because of her naivety, the girl may not realize that their interest is sexual in nature, and not at all a desire to simply communicate with her and spend time in her company. She may not have female friends to take her on a first date or give her advice on social and sexual rules. Her parents may have strong concerns about her vulnerability to negative sexual experiences and possible date rape. nine0003
Long-term relationship
There is a transition from acquaintance to partnership in the relationship. Individuals with Asperger's may find it difficult to cope with each step of this transition. To move from friend to partner status, a teenager or young person with Asperger's needs to understand the art of flirting in order to accurately read the signals of mutual sympathy and not get lost during dates. People with Asperger's do not understand this intuitively. These teens and young adults often ask me, “How can I find a boyfriend/girlfriend?” And this question is not easy to answer.
One of the difficulties can be the correct interpretation of someone's intentions. A simple expression of kindness or sympathy can be taken much more seriously than intended. I have had to explain to men with Asperger's that the smile and attention from female flight attendants are just courtesies, not a desire to start a relationship. nine0003
Despite the relationship problems that most people with Asperger's have, some can develop relationships and form romantic and intimate relationships, even marriage. To achieve this level of relationship, partners need to initially notice the attractive qualities of each other. What is so attractive about a young person with Asperger's Syndrome?
Attractive qualities of people with Asperger's syndrome
Men with Asperger's syndrome may have a wide range of qualities that are attractive to a future partner. When I counsel couples in which one or both partners have characteristics or a diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome, I often ask the neurotypical partner, "What qualities did your partner draw you to when you first met?" Many women describe that a partner with Asperger's syndrome initially impressed them as kind, considerate, but socially or emotionally immature.
The term "silent handsome stranger" is often used to describe anyone who seems relatively quiet and likeable. Appearance and attention can become very important, especially if a woman has doubts about her own self-esteem and physical attractiveness. Lack of social and conversational skills lead to the formation of the image of the "mysterious stranger", whose naivety and immaturity the partner can compensate for by becoming an expert in empathy, socialization and communication. nine0003
I have noticed that the partners of many men and sometimes women with Asperger's are on the other end of the social and empathic spectrum. On an intuitive level, they are experts in the "model of the mental" (understanding someone else's consciousness), that is, they understand and sympathize with the experiences of other people. They have the gift of seeing the world as it appears to people with Asperger's to a much greater extent than people with average empathy. Being understanding and sympathetic, they help their partner cope with difficulties in social situations.
Undoubtedly, adults with Asperger's Syndrome need these traits and want to see them in a potential partner. He or she will actively seek out someone with intuitive social skills, someone who will explain social situations to them, educate them, and care for them. However, while a socially gifted and empathetic partner may be able to understand the experiences of a person with Asperger's Syndrome, that person will have significant difficulty understanding their neurotypical partner. nine0003
Intellectual abilities, one's own career, and increased attention to one's partner during courtship can make a person with Asperger's syndrome more attractive. Sometimes, however, this attentiveness can be perceived by others as excessive, and words and actions will seem as if they were memorized from Hollywood romantic films. A person can be admired for his straightforwardness, even if his comments hurt other people, because of his strong desire for social justice and clear moral principles. The fact that he may not be "macho" at all or not eager to spend time with other men at sports matches can also be very attractive in the eyes of some women.
And the fact that a person with Asperger's syndrome entered into a relationship quite late can also be a plus. He may not have the "baggage" of previous relationships. I have also heard many women say that a partner with Asperger's Syndrome reminds them of their father. The fact that they grew up with a parent with Asperger's traits may also have influenced their choice of partner in adulthood. nine0003
What traits do men find attractive in women with Asperger's syndrome? They may be similar to what women find attractive in men with Asperger's, especially the degree to which they are attentive. The social immaturity of a woman can attract men who are prone to guardianship and compassion. They may admire her beauty or her talents and abilities. Unfortunately, women (and sometimes men) with Asperger's have a hard time assessing a person's character and knowing when a relationship becomes "dangerous." Such women often have low self-esteem, which affects their choice of a partner for a relationship.
They may become victims of various forms of violence. As one woman with Asperger's syndrome explained to me, "I had low expectations and as a result I was drawn to violent people." nine0003
Strategies to Improve Relationship Skills
People with Asperger's will need help developing relationships at every stage, and possibly throughout their lives. Younger children will need the help of a speech therapist to improve their conversational skills, and an educator or psychologist will help with friendship skills during their school years. Developing these skills should be a priority for an educational institution supporting a child with Asperger's Syndrome or High-Functioning Autism, as positive friendship experiences will increase self-esteem, help avoid bullying from classmates, lay the foundation for developing friendships in the future, and improve teamwork abilities. for more successful employment. nine0003
Adolescents will need truthful information about attractiveness, courtship and sexuality.
While such information is readily available to typical adolescents (most often from parents, friends, and personal experiences), adolescents with Asperger's Syndrome may have difficulty obtaining it. Lack of peer help, adult information and practice will hinder the acquisition of relationship development skills. Fortunately, we now have special relationship and sexuality education programs designed specifically for teens and young people with Asperger's Syndrome that include the opportunity to get advice from a peer with the same syndrome. Several doctors and therapists in Australia are developing relationship skills training materials for adolescents and young people with Asperger's Syndrome. Such training will include everything from dating rules and a sense of style to ways to recognize and avoid dangerous partners. A valuable strategy here can be to meet socially receptive friends or relatives with a potential partner to determine if they are a good person before starting a relationship.
nine0003
Young people will need support and opportunities to meet new people. Here you can offer to do something or join an interest group related to their own special passion, for example, take part in Star Trek or Doctor Who fan meetings, or apply their talents, say, to taking care of animals. and join an animal welfare group. There are also opportunities to make new friends at community events, such as a local choir or adult education courses. Local support groups for parents of children with Asperger's have also established support groups for young people with Asperger's. In this case, specialists can come to the group and hold a group discussion or give advice. Such groups can provide an opportunity for the development of relationships between members of the group. The relationship between Jerry and Mary, two people with Asperger's who met at a support group in Los Angeles, has been the subject of a book and film (Crazy in Love). Some people with Asperger's Syndrome use the Internet and dating agencies to get to know someone, but this method of dating can also be used by dangerous partners, so you need to take into account the high risk when using this dating strategy.
nine0003
I have noticed that adults who had prominent signs of autism in childhood (significant language delay, learning difficulties, avoidance of social situations) but progressed to high-functioning autism later in life have much less desire to develop long-term relationships. Most likely, they will be content with loneliness and will not maintain sexual relations, preferring superficial acquaintances to friendship. A sense of self-identity and self-worth in such people is achieved through a successful career and an independent life. Temple Grandin is a good example of this. Some adults with Asperger's also choose not to form close relationships for reasons that seem logical given the traits associated with the syndrome. nine0003
Jennifer explains her decision: “How can I live in the same house with a person who can touch my collection of model airplanes?” And so: "Airplane models do not want to be designed by someone else, even if it is more attractive or less dependent." However, she is quite satisfied with her life.
She says, "I can assure you that falling in love and special interests are about the same feeling." For some people with Asperger's or high-functioning autism, giving up romantic relationships may be the right choice if they enjoy and fully devote themselves to their special interests, such as wildlife photography or a career in information technology. They don't fit the cultural mold that marriage and long-term relationships are the only way to achieve happiness. nine0003
Future Research Perspectives
We know that people with Asperger's have significant difficulties developing relationships, but there is not enough research to provide us with qualitative and quantitative data about their relationship abilities, circumstances, and experiences. A study has recently been published on the ability to maintain friendships in children with Asperger's syndrome, but there is very little research on adolescent relationships and sexuality. Dr. Isabelle Henault of Montreal is conducting a study with me on the sexual profile of people with Asperger's syndrome, and preliminary results show that this profile differs from that of ordinary people due to less sexual experience, although they develop sexual interest in the same period, which and their adolescent peers.
They may also have a more relaxed attitude towards sexual diversity, such as homosexuality and bisexuality, and a rich sexual fantasy. They may be less concerned about the partner's age and cultural differences. However, further research is needed, and the Autism Interactive Network database may be useful in providing information on the romantic relationships of adolescents and young adults with Asperger's and high-functioning autism. nine0003
Thanks to Tamara Solomatina for the translation.
Adult Autism, Asperger's Syndrome, Social Skills
Tony Attwood: "The Romantic Life of Young People with Asperger's Syndrome"
While a young person with classic autism may seem quite content with a solitary "reclusive" lifestyle, for young people with Asperger's or high-functioning autism, this is often not the case. Clinical experience shows that most of these teenagers and young people would like to have a romantic relationship. However, there is remarkably little research on this aspect of autism spectrum disorders (ASD) and strategies that can promote successful relationships.
nine0003
We know that young people with Asperger's have significant difficulty forming peer relationships and are developmentally delayed in knowing what the other person may be thinking or feeling. Typical children learn these skills naturally and practice them with family and friends many years before attempting successful romantic relationships. Young people diagnosed with Asperger's or high-functioning autism may also suffer from a severe lack of conversational social skills or the ability to communicate their emotions, especially affection. They may also be hypersensitive to certain sensory experiences. All of these diagnostic characteristics can affect relationship skills during childhood and, over time, limit an adult's ability to maintain long-term relationships. nine0003
For a successful relationship, a person must first of all understand and respect himself. Self-understanding and reflection can be especially difficult for people with Asperger's syndrome.
The self-esteem of a person with Asperger's Syndrome can be undermined as a result of rejection, ridicule and bullying from peers. Adolescents with Asperger's can be naive and vulnerable, causing their peers to deliberately misinform them about relationships. This includes situations where they are being deceived or "set up". For example, a teenager with Asperger's syndrome was lonely and dreamed of dating a girl. All his requests for dates were invariably rejected. Then a very popular and attractive girl in his class invites them to go on a movie date. He is happy and the date is going well, but then the girl becomes embarrassed and admits that she asked him out because of a bet with her friends. The teenager is in despair. nine0003
Love and attachment
People with autism spectrum disorders have difficulty understanding and expressing emotions, and love is an emotion that looks especially difficult for people with ASD. Typical children and adults enjoy frequent expressions of affection and know how to express affection and communicate their feelings of admiration and love, or encourage the other person with an expression of affection.
A child or adult with ASD may not seek the same depth and frequency of expressions of love through displays of affection, or they may not understand that in a certain situation they are expected to express affection and that this is necessary for another person. He or she may feel puzzled because, from his point of view, other people are "obsessed" with expressing love for each other. nine0003
The person with ASD may also be immature in their expressions of affection, and may perceive such expressions of affection as disgusting. For example, a hug may feel like an uncomfortable squeeze that restricts movement. A person may experience confusion and mixed feelings when they are expected to demonstrate and delight in the smallest manifestations of affection. I recently developed a cognitive behavioral therapy program for children and adolescents with Asperger's Syndrome that explains the emotion of love and the ways in which you can show your love for another person. A study to evaluate the effectiveness of this program is due to begin soon by the University of Queensland in Australia.
nine0003
Special interests
One of the diagnostic characteristics of Asperger's syndrome is the development of a special interest that is unusually focused and intense. In adolescence or early adulthood, the person may become such an interest that others may perceive as a common teenage "crush", but the intensity of this attraction and the behavior that accompanies it can lead to accusations of stalking and sexual harassment. The predisposition to form a special interest can also affect the development of relationship knowledge. For people with Asperger's Syndrome, special interests serve many functions, and one of them is understanding their own confusing experiences. nine0003
Adolescents with Asperger's Syndrome often want to understand and experience social and romantic relationships with peers, including ongoing relationships and sexual experiences, but may have trouble finding sources of information about relationships and sexuality. A teenager with Asperger's usually has few, if any, friends with whom he or she can discuss relationship topics, such as romantic and sexual feelings and codes of sexual behavior.
Unfortunately, very often the source of information about relationships for boys with Asperger's syndrome is pornography, and for girls - soap operas. A person with Asperger's may assume that the actions in pornographic material are a script for what to say or do during a date, and such misunderstandings can lead to allegations of sexual abuse. Usually these are allegations of specifically sexually inappropriate behavior, and not of sexual violence or abuse. Adolescent girls with Asperger's syndrome may use television programs and films as a source of information about relationships without realizing that they show activities and topics that are different from relationships in real life. nine0003
Clinical experience suggests that adolescent girls with Asperger's who were previously socially ostracized and unpopular with their peers may feel flattered during puberty when boys show interest in them. Because of her naivete, a girl with Asperger's may not realize that this interest is exclusively sexual in nature and that the boy is not interested in her personality, society, or conversations with her.
She likely has no female friends to accompany her on her first date, give her advice about social and sexual codes, and her parents may be concerned about her vulnerability to promiscuity, negative sexual experiences, and date rape. nine0003
Relationship continuum
There is a relationship continuum from a simple acquaintance to a permanent partner. People with Asperger's have difficulty at every stage of this continuum. To progress on the relationship continuum from friend to romantic partner, a teenager or young adult with Asperger's needs to understand the art of flirting and romance in order to correctly recognize signals of mutual attraction and understand the game of dating. People with Asperger's Syndrome lack the ability to understand this intuitively. nine0003
Adolescents and young people with Asperger's Syndrome often ask me, "How can I find a boyfriend/girlfriend?" The answer to this question is far from simple. People with Asperger's have difficulty interpreting another person's intentions.
A gesture of kindness or compassion may be perceived as a sign of interest or as something more personal than it really is. I had to explain to men with Asperger's that a smile and personal attention from a flight attendant is courtesy, not an interest in a relationship. nine0003
Despite problems with relationship skills that many people with Asperger's have, some adults can progress on the relationship continuum and are able to experience romantic and eventually intimate relationships, even finding a lifelong partner. In order to achieve such a relationship, both partners must notice the attractive qualities of the other. What characteristics of a young person with Asperger's Syndrome might attract a potential partner?
Attractive qualities of a person with Asperger's syndrome
Men with Asperger's syndrome may have many attractive qualities for potential partners. When I do relationship counseling with couples where one or both partners have characteristics or are diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, I often ask the typical partner, "What qualities drew you to a partner when you first met him/her?" Many women say that their partner with Asperger's Syndrome seemed kind, considerate, but socially or emotionally immature.
The term "silent, handsome stranger" refers to a person who talks little and looks good. nine0003
Attention and physical characteristics may be especially important for women who have problems with self-esteem and who doubt their own physical attractiveness. A man's social and verbal difficulties can lead to him being perceived as a "silent stranger" whose social naivety and immaturity can change with a partner with a high level of empathy and social skills.
I have noticed that many partners of men (and sometimes women) with Asperger's are on the opposite end of the social and empathic continuum. They are intuitive experts in the theory of mind who easily understand and empathize with another's point of view. Their innate characteristics help them understand the experience of a person with Asperger's Syndrome better than a person with ordinary theory of mind abilities can. They are understanding and sympathetic people, and they help their partner navigate social situations.
In fact, people with Asperger's Syndrome often cite these characteristics as the most desirable in a partner. He or she may actively seek out a partner with intuitive social knowledge who can act as an interpreter and is naturally caring, socially accommodating, and maternal in nature. However, while a socially gifted and empathetic partner may understand the point of view of a person with Asperger's, it can be difficult for the person with Asperger's to understand their typical partner. nine0003
The attractiveness of a person with Asperger's from a relationship perspective may be related to their intelligence, career, or high attention during courtship. However, sometimes this mindfulness can feel like an unhealthy obsession, especially if the person uses phrases learned from Hollywood romantic movies.
Even though other people may perceive his comments as offensive, a person with Asperger's can be admired for his honesty and straightforwardness because of his strong sense of social justice and clear moral principles.
nine0003
The fact that a man with Asperger's can be far from macho and indifferent to sports and drinking can be extremely attractive to many women.
A person with Asperger's may become interested in relationships later than others, which can also be perceived as an attractive trait. It can also mean the absence of the "burden" of past relationships.
I have often heard women say that their partners with Asperger's Syndrome resembled their father. Perhaps their choice of partner was influenced by the fact that one of their parents had manifestations of Asperger's syndrome. nine0003
What qualities attract men to a woman with Asperger's syndrome? The same ones that attract women in a man with Asperger's syndrome, first of all, this refers to the level of attentiveness to a partner. A woman's social immaturity can be attractive to men who are prone to a fatherly and sympathetic role in relationships. Men may also appreciate her visual appeal or admire her talents and abilities.
Unfortunately, women (and sometimes men) with Asperger's Syndrome have a poor understanding of characters and can rarely identify potentially dangerous people. Women with Asperger's Syndrome often suffer from low self-esteem, which can negatively affect their choice of partner. They can become victims of various forms of partner violence. As one woman with Asperger's Syndrome told me, "My demands are so low that I'm drawn to violent people as a result." nine0003
Strategies for Improving Relationship Skills
People with Asperger's need guidance in learning relationship skills at each stage of the relationship continuum and possibly throughout their lives. Children need guidance from a speech development professional to master the art of conversation, as well as strategies for improving friendship skills during school years that a teacher or psychologist can provide. Developing friendship skills should be a priority for educational services that support a child with Asperger's Syndrome, as maturity and friendship abilities increase self-esteem, reduce bullying, lay the foundation for adult relationships, and develop the teamwork skills needed for successful employment.
nine0003
Adolescents need accurate and correct information about attraction, dating rituals and sexuality. While typical teens can easily access this information, often from their friends, parents, school activities, and as they gain personal experience, this knowledge may not be available to a teen with Asperger's syndrome. Lack of peer guidance, experience in group discussions and practice hinders the development of relationship skills. Fortunately, there are now special education programs on relationships and sexuality for teens and young people with Asperger's Syndrome, as well as opportunities to get advice and learn about the experiences of other teens with Asperger's Syndrome. nine0003
Some physicians and psychotherapists, especially in Australia, are developing relationship skills resources for adolescents and young adults with Asperger's Syndrome. This training ranges from knowledge of dating etiquette and dressing skills to information on how to spot and avoid sexual predators.
One of the most valuable strategies is to find a socially receptive friend or relative who can get to know a potential partner in order to assess how good that person is of character before the relationship develops. nine0003
Young adults need encouragement and opportunities to make new acquaintances and friends. This may include joining a circle or interest group that is related to a special interest, such as attending a Star Trek or Doctor Who fan convention. This may include using a person's talent, for example, if a young person has a natural ability to care for animals, then he can volunteer with an animal welfare organization. You can find friends by joining local social activities, such as joining a choir or enrolling in adult education classes. nine0003
Local support groups for parents of children with Asperger's often set up support groups for young adults with Asperger's. Within such groups, a specialist can address their participants, lead a discussion and provide recommendations on relationships.
Such groups can also provide an opportunity to develop relationships among group members. An example is the relationship between Jerry and Mary, two adults with Asperger's who met at a support group in Los Angeles and whose story is the basis of a book and a movie. nine0003
Some adults with Asperger's use the Internet and dating services to meet new people, but this method of dating is also often used by sexual predators, and a person with Asperger's should be aware of the many risks associated with this strategy.
I have noticed that adults who had prominent manifestations of autism in early childhood (significant speech delay, learning difficulties, avoidance of social situations) who fit the description of high-functioning autism as they grow older are, on average, less motivated to seek a permanent relationship. . They are much more likely to be happy with loneliness and celibacy and have acquaintances rather than friends. A sense of their own identity and personal value is achieved by them through a successful career and an independent life.
Temple Grandin is a well-known example of this. nine0003
Some adults with Asperger's syndrome also choose not to have intimate relationships for objective reasons that are related to the characteristics of the syndrome. This is how Jennifer explains this decision: "How can I live in the same house with another person who can touch my collection of model airplanes?" and "Airplane models don't think they should be made by a more attractive or less needy person."
There are moments of deep personal satisfaction in Jennifer's life. In her words: "I assure you that falling in love and special interest are, by and large, one and the same feeling." Not being in a relationship can be a positive choice for some adults with Asperger's or high-functioning autism who enjoy developing and pursuing their special interests, such as wildlife photography or a career in information technology. They happily ignore our cultural belief that marriage or a long-term relationship is the only way to achieve happiness.
nine0003
Areas for further research
We know that people with Asperger's syndrome experience significant difficulties on the relationship continuum, but we lack qualitative and quantitative research data about their relationship abilities, circumstances, and experiences. There are studies of friendship ability among children with Asperger's syndrome that have recently been analyzed, but there has been little to no research on romantic relationships and sexuality.
Dr. Isabelle Henault of Montreal and I have been conducting a study on the sexual profile of adults with Asperger's Syndrome, and preliminary data show that this profile differs from that of typical adults, including a more negative body image and less sexual experience, although usually sexual interest develops at the same age as peers.
People with Asperger's may also have a more liberal attitude towards sexual diversity, including homosexuality and bisexuality, and a rich fantasy about sexual imagery.
