How does a polyamorous relationship work
Polyamorous Relationships: How It Works
A type of ethical non-monogamy, polyamory involves having romantic relationships with multiple people.
Polyamorous relationships are becoming increasingly common. And yet, many people falsely believe that polyamory never works, or that polyamorous relationships are “doomed” from the start.
In truth, it’s a relationship style that works for many people. As with all relationships, communication and respect is key to making it work.
Polyamory works for some people, while others prefer monogamy. Neither is necessarily superior to the other.
Polyamorous relationships — like monogamous relationships — can be healthy and fulfilling, depending on the circumstances and behaviors of the people in them.
Polyamory is a form of ethical non-monogamy that involves committed relationships between two or more people — typically romantic relationships.
Essentially, being in a polyamorous relationship means that you and your partner have the option of dating other people.
Polyamory is not the same as polygamy. Polygamy involves being married to more than one person at a time. Polyamory doesn’t necessarily involve marriage.
Polyamorous relationships also are not necessarily sexual in nature, although they can be.
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Generally, polyamorous relationships involve having the option to date two or more people at the same time.
Polyamory can look different to different people. There are many “structures” and boundaries you can employ. Each polyamorous person can set their own boundaries based on what they’re comfortable with.
Some of the most common polyamory structures are:
- Polyfidelity. This is where the partners in a group agree not to have sexual or romantic relationships with people who are not in the group.
- Triad. This involves three people who are all dating one another, also called a throuple.
- Quad. Similar to a triad, a quad is a relationship involving four people who are all dating one another.
- Vee (or “V”). This is where one person is dating two different people, but those two people are not dating one another.
Many polyamorous people don’t have a structured set-up. They simply have multiple romantic relationships, going with the flow as they meet new people.
Polyamorous relationships can be hierarchical or non-hierarchical.
In polyamory, a “hierarchy” means one relationship is prioritized above others. For instance, you might be married and consider that your “primary relationship,” while your other relationships are seen as secondary.
There’s a lot of controversial discourse over whether hierarchical relationships are fair or not. One 2021 research study found that people in non-hierarchical polyamorous relationships are about as satisfied as those in hierarchical polyamorous relationships.
Polyamorous structures often change over time as people’s feelings, relationships, and personal circumstances change. This is why communication is something often emphasized in polyamorous groups.
Talking about your needs, boundaries, and feelings is one step toward maintaining healthy and happy relationships.
As with all relationships, polyamorous relationships have boundaries. If you overstep those boundaries, your partner might consider it cheating, or breaking your relationship agreement.
What does infidelity look like in polyamorous relationships? That depends on the nature of the relationship.
For example, let’s say you and your partner agree not to go on dates with other people without telling one another beforehand. However, your partner starts dating someone without your knowledge. That could be considered a violation of your relationship agreement and a form of infidelity.
As another example, let’s say you’re in a polycule (that is, a group of polyamorous people) and you practice polyfidelity (which means you agree not to have romantic or sexual relationships with people outside the group).
But then you start sleeping with someone outside the group. That could be considered an act of infidelity by others in your polycule.
As with all relationships, honesty and communication is key. Overstepping or disregarding boundaries can do some serious damage to your relationship.
Polyamorous relationships can be healthy. Contrary to popular belief, they aren’t all “doomed” — and it’s very possible to have polyamorous relationships that are fulfilling and happy.
As with monogamous relationships, polyamorous relationships can be healthy or unhealthy — happy or unhappy — depending on the behaviors and actions of the people who engage in them.
Many people in polyamorous relationships are satisfied and happy. In fact, a 2018 study looked at people in monogamous relationships and people in non-monogamous relationships. The study found no difference in relationship satisfaction between the two groups.
It does not matter if you’re entering a polyamorous or monogamous relationship, the important thing is to consider your mental health when making a commitment to someone.
Many people find polyamorous relationships to be more enjoyable and easier to manage than monogamous relationships.
However, polyamory can pose some challenges, too. For example:
- Time constraints. Having multiple relationships can be difficult because each relationship requires time. A “time squeeze” can be quite stressful.
- Energy constraints. Similarly, each relationship requires energy — emotional, mental, and physical. This can be a challenge, especially if you have difficulties with energy in general.
- Jealousy. Some polyamorous people don’t experience jealousy, while others do. Being jealous isn’t inherently bad, but you’ll want to learn to express and manage it in a healthy way.
Lastly, discrimination can impact your mental health. Many polyamorous people experience difficulty with the stigma attached to non-monogamy.
Facing a lack of acceptance from your friends, family, and community can be stressful.
Research has indicated that many non-monogamous people internalize negative messages about non-monogamy, which can affect their relationships and sense of identity.
Ultimately, it’s up to you to determine whether polyamory is right for you.
Polyamory is not necessarily superior to monogamy — it works for some people and it doesn’t work for others. As we’re all unique individuals with unique needs, there’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to relationships.
Before you get into a polyamorous relationship, it’s a good idea to take time educating yourself on polyamory and non-monogamy.
While most people are generally familiar with monogamous relationships, it’s quite difficult to find a blueprint for polyamory.
This means that many of the challenges that are unique to polyamory — such as navigating time management or dealing with jealousy when meeting the partner of your partner — can be even more difficult to deal with. Many may feel alone or at a loss when it comes to dealing with these challenges.
There’s a lot of terminology involved in polyamory, too. Words like “metamour” or “compersion” help people describe relationships and experiences that are unique to non-monogamy. This terminology might seem unnecessary, but it’s extremely useful for communicating with your partners.
So, before you get into polyamory, it’s important to do a little research.
Consider starting with books, listening to podcasts, and viewing forums related to non-monogamy. Learning the terms and discussing polyamory is another great way to prepare yourself.
If you’re interested in learning more about polyamory, there are plenty of resources out there. Websites like PolyInfo.org and Loving More contain a lot of information for those who are new to the concept of polyamory.
Some popular books about polyamory include:
- “Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships” by Tristan Taormino
- “The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures” by Janet W.
Hardy and Dossie Easton - “Building Open Relationships: Your Hands-On Guide to Swinging, Polyamory, and Beyond!” by Liz Powell
- “The Polyamory Breakup Book: Causes, Prevention, and Survival” by Kathy Labriola
- “Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and Consensual Nonmonogomy” by Jessica Fern
You might also enjoy listening to podcasts about polyamory, such as Making Polyamory Work and Polyamory Weekly.
Lastly, whether you’re currently in a polyamorous relationship or not, you might benefit from connecting with polyamorous communities (online or offline). Making friends with like-minded people is a great way to learn more about polyamory and find support.
Your Guide to Polyamorous Relationships
Monogamy, or the practice of having only one romantic or sexual partner, is the most practiced type of relationship in the United States. However, according to statistics published in 2021, roughly 4%–5% of the population practices polyamory.
Polyamory is a form of consensual non-monogamy in which a person is involved with multiple romantic or sexual partners.
Although millions of people across the country and around the world are in consensual polyamorous relationships, there’s still a significant misunderstanding of what polyamory means and what these relationships entail. And this misunderstanding often leads to stigma, a negative or discriminatory attitude against people in these types of relationships.
We’ll share what you need to know about polyamory, including the different types of polyamorous relationships, how to establish healthy boundaries in polyamory, and more.
Polyamory is a form of ethical, or consensual, non-monogamy that involves having romantic or sexual relationships with multiple partners at the same time. Ethical, or consensual, non-monogamy describes relationships in which all parties are aware of and consent to practice non-monogamy.
“Folx in polyamorous relationships usually (but not always) engage with their partners both romantically and sexually, with the knowledge and consent of any other partner(s) that they may have,” explains Stephanie M.
Sullivan, MS, LMFT, CCTP-II, marriage and family therapist and owner of Attunement, who specializes in polyamorous and consensually non-monogamous relationships.
Consent is crucial in ethical non-monogamy. One of the most important parts of being polyamorous is making sure that you — and any romantic or sexual partners you have — are aware of and consenting to the relationships you have with them and others.
Is there a polyamorous flag?
Although there have been various interpretations of the polyamorous flag over the years, the original flag was created in 1995 by Jim Evans.
It’s a tricolor flag with a blue band at the top, which signifies honesty and communication between partners. In the middle, a red band represents the love and passion in polyamorous relationships. A black band at the bottom represents the stigma that polyamorous people often face, sometimes leading them to have to hide their relationships.
And a gold pi symbol in the flag’s center signifies the value they place on their different emotional attachments.
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Polyamory can look different from person to person, shares Sullivan.
“Each relationship is unique and can be designed in any way that feels right to everyone involved,” she explains.
However, some common terms are used to describe not only the different types of polyamorous relationships that a person can form but also the different people involved.
Hierarchical
Hierarchical polyamory involves a hierarchy system that includes primary and secondary partners. Primary partners take priority over other partners or relationships.
This often describes partners who are married, live together, or have families together.
Primary partners can form additional secondary relationships, but these relationships do not have the same level of priority that the primary relationship does.
Non-hierarchical
Non-hierarchical polyamory doesn’t involve any ranking of partners, which means that every relationship or partner, while unique, is viewed equally.
So, someone in this type of polyamorous relationship with multiple partners would consider these partners equal, even if the relationships all function differently.
Polyfidelity
Polyfidelity is a type of non-hierarchical polyamory in which there is no ranking of partners. However, in this type of relationship, the partners are all exclusive to one another and are not seeking or open to new relationships.
Polyfidelity often includes two common relationship types:
- Triad: This describes a relationship in which three people are sexually or romantically involved with each other.
- Quad: This describes a relationship in which four people are in a romantic or sexual relationship together.
Vee
Vee, which comes from the letter V, describes a relationship in which one partner has two separate romantic or sexual partners. Unlike a triad, in which all three individuals are in the relationship together, the partners of the shared person in the vee are not involved with one another.
Solo-poly
While there’s no set definition for solo-poly, it’s often used to describe multiple types of polyamorous people, such as:
- those who are single and identify as polyamorous, sometimes called single-poly
- those who are in casual or committed polyamorous relationships but choose to live alone
- those who are in polyamorous relationships and don’t live alone but still prioritize themselves or their needs
When someone is solo-poly — whether single, dating, or otherwise — the primary focus of their major life decisions is themselves, rather than the relationship.
Mono-poly
Mono-poly relationships describe a type of relationship in which someone who is monogamous is in a relationship with someone who is polyamorous. This is also sometimes called a hybrid relationship.
In this type of relationship, the person who is polyamorous may decide to follow any type of polyamorous lifestyle while their monogamous partner does not — but communication and consent with their monogamous partner is still key.
This relationship can be healthy when both partners are getting their needs met, but it can become codependent when taken as a step to save a relationship where one partner has a history of cheating.
“Some monogamous folx find that they don’t care to date themselves, but that they don’t mind their partner dating,” explains Sullivan. However, it all comes down to personal preference.
“Different polyamorous folx may have different boundaries for themselves when considering dating someone who has only ever been monogamous,” she says.
Poly webs
Poly webs, also called poly families or sometimes polycules, describe people who are all connected through polyamorous lifestyles. People who are part of poly webs or families aren’t always necessarily romantically involved with each other — sometimes they’re simply connected through their various partners.
Poly webs may sometimes live together or near each other, and they may share household duties as well as date nights.
This setup is especially popular in the queer community, where it can serve as a “chosen family” for people estranged from their biological families.
Polyamorous vs. polygamy
“Polyamory and polygamy are vastly different,” says Sullivan, clarifying that polyamory involves the idea of navigating and consenting to multiple simultaneous relationships.
“Polyamorous folx encompass a wide range of types of people, with many different religions, backgrounds, political views, and interests,” she continues.
Polygamy, on the other hand, is the practice of having multiple spouses. And unlike polyamory, which focuses on being an equitable form of non-monogamy, polygamy isn’t always as such.
“Polygamy often has a religious or cultural motivation to it, and it is often not equitable for everyone involved,” Sullivan explains.
For example, polygyny — the most common form of polygamy — involves one man having multiple wives.
“This is usually an inequitable relationship, as the wives are not able or allowed to take on other partners, and can have other inequitable aspects to it as well,” she says.
Of course, that’s not to say that polygamy can’t be consensual or equitable non-monogamy — but ultimately, polygamy and polyamory are two separate lifestyles that can’t necessarily be compared.
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Like any other consensual relationship, polyamorous relationships work best when partners can establish rules and boundaries that work for everyone. And according to Sullivan, that starts with discussing everything openly and honestly.
“There are three main components to consider when doing this in relationships,” she explains. These are:
- First, it’s important to identify everyone’s thoughts, feelings, and values.
- Second, it’s necessary to be able to communicate those thoughts, feelings, and values with each other.
- And third, it’s crucial to be able to communicate these things with an open mind and without judgment.
“These three components are difficult when discussing particularly difficult topics but are important skills for every person in a polyamorous (or monogamous!) relationship,” Sullivan shares.
If this is something you find hard in your relationships, there’s no shame in reaching out for help.
“If necessary, seeking a poly-friendly therapist or coach can be helpful to build these skills,” she recommends.
It can also be helpful to take an active approach to scheduling and to be realistic when planning your free time. If you and all of your partners are working full-time, it can be difficult to find the time to make everyone a priority.
Using a digital calendar that allows you to share or look at your schedules side by side can take some of the work out of planning your week. Again, everything comes back to clear communication and being upfront about what you need.
Whether you’ve been polyamorous your entire life or are just interested in learning more, we’re here to answer some common questions — and clear up some common misconceptions – about polyamory and polyamorous relationships.
Is polyamory a sexuality?
Polyamory is not a sexuality.
And despite the misconception that only LGBTQIA+ people practice polyamory, it is not associated with any specific sexuality. In fact, people of any sexuality, whether heterosexual, bisexual, asexual, or otherwise, can be in polyamorous relationships.
Is being polyamorous legal?
While it’s not illegal to be in a polyamorous relationship, most countries around the world prohibit marrying multiple partners. Because of this, most polyamorous couples don’t have the same legal protections as married couples.
Are poly relationships healthy?
Polyamorous relationships can be happy, healthy relationships, just like any other monogamous or non-monogamous relationship. However, because polyamorous relationships involve multiple people, they can sometimes require more honesty, communication, and care.
What does dating a unicorn mean?
A “unicorn” is a term that is often used to describe a bisexual or pansexual polyamorous woman who is willing to be in a relationship with an established (usually heterosexual) couple.
Generally, the term is seen as derogatory because of the implications of the purely sexual role that the unicorn will play in the relationship.
Can a monogamous person date a poly person?
“Someone who is monogamous can date someone who is polyamorous; this is referred to as a mono-poly relationship,” explains Sullivan. In her experience, these relationships are one of the most difficult polyamorous relationship styles to maintain — however, they can work well with the right communication and boundaries.
In this blended relationship style, both parties must be extremely communicative about their wants and needs. This also requires excellent self-reflection skills. Seeing a relationship therapist who specializes in polyamorous relationships can be helpful.
Learn more about how to find the right therapist for you.
How common is polyamory?
Research from 2021 suggests that roughly 4%–5% of people in the United States are currently in romantic non-monogamous relationships, including polyamorous relationships.
That same research suggests that over 16% of people may want to try non-monogamy — and up to 10% of people may have tried it at some point in their lives.
How often do open marriages fail?
An open marriage is a type of consensual non-monogamy (not necessarily polyamory) in which a couple agrees to engage in relationships with people outside the marriage. While there aren’t many studies on the statistics of open marriage, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) suggests that roughly 45% of marriages end in divorce — some of which are likely open marriages.
Learn more about open relationships.
Is polyamory more ethical than monogamy?
While polyamory is sometimes talked about as a more ethical alternative to monogamy or more authentic to human nature, there are no studies that prove this. It’s just as possible for cheating or abuse to happen in polyamorous relationships as in a monogamous one.
Polyamory is just as ethical as any other consensual relationship, monogamous or otherwise.
This is because a big part of the ethics of polyamory involves consent: “Remember, polyamory is about having honest, consensual, simultaneous relationships,” notes Sullivan. “If your polyamory is not consensual, it is not polyamory.”
How do I know if I’m polyamorous?
If you’re interested in exploring a polyamorous lifestyle, Sullivan recommends checking out books about polyamory to learn more.
“‘A Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory,’ ‘The Ethical Slut,’ or ‘Polysecure’ might be a good place to start,” she suggests.
And if you’re already in an established relationship, communication is key.
“If you are in a monogamous relationship and thinking about opening up your relationship, it is important to talk with your partner about this first, and to take things as slowly as you both need,” Sullivan says.
Seeing a couple’s therapist can also be a helpful step before opening up a monogamous relationship.
The discussion of polyamory and polyamorous relationship is becoming more prevalent, but there’s still a lot of misunderstanding about polyamorous relationships.
Being polyamorous is a form of ethical non-monogamy. It can take many forms, but it usually involves having romantic or sexual (or both) relationships with multiple people. Hierarchy or marriage may or may not be involved. Consent and open communication are at the heart of polyamory — all partners are aware of the others.
By learning more about polyamory and listening to the experiences of people in polyamorous relationships, we can help fight the stigma and become more open-minded about what love looks like for people of all lifestyles.
What is polyamory and how are polyamorous relationships built?
All people are different, and the classic relationship between two lovers does not suit someone. Some people are more comfortable with multiple sexual and spiritual partners—they are called polyamorous. Before the release of the first series in Russia about polyamorous relationships AMORE MORE in the KION online cinema, we will tell you how polyamory works.
Still from AMORE MORE
Fairy tales teach from childhood that there is one person with whom you will spend your whole life.
But after all, it may not exist, or vice versa, there will be several at once with whom you want to spend your whole life. An alternative to monogamy is polyamory, when three or more partners are linked in a chain of love. The main principle of such relations is the equality of all parties. To understand the structure of polyamorous relationships, we talked with sexologists, psychologists and ordinary people.
Content of the article
How polyamorous relationships work
Polyamorous relationships begin when three or more people agree on the format of the relationship: do they want to know the details of each other's sex life, how many times a week can they sleep with others, whether the right to bring someone into the house, and so on. Everything is clearly discussed so that the three basic principles of healthy polygamous relationships are not violated.
First - consent
There must be a sincere choice to be in a polyamorous chain.
There can be no relationship without him.
The second is healthy communication between all participants
If one of the partners feels discomfort, it is better for him to share his emotions, especially negative ones.
The third is comfort
No one should "break" himself for the sake of the desires of others.
Women's coach Ekaterina Fedorova believes that if these conditions are met, healthy polyamorous relationships can be built. At the same time, Ekaterina adds that it’s not worth starting a polyamorous relationship for the sake of “recharging” your sex life: “In the series Why Women Kill, there is one polyamorous couple that takes a third person into the family. They slightly changed their rules of the game, and nothing good came of it. You can’t think that polyamorous relationships are a panacea and a solution to all problems.”
ADVERTISING - CONTINUED BELOW about jealousy Therefore, jealousy is also not alien to them.
So, polyamorous Mikhail tells that at the beginning of his journey to a healthy polyamorous relationship, the most difficult thing was to eradicate strong jealousy. He believes that it is impossible to get rid of it completely, but it is better to be honest with a partner and agree on who pays how much attention to whom.
Psychologist Alena Al-As calls jealousy a destructive feeling in any relationship, but polyamorous people are more protected from it due to greater openness and transparency. Sex coach Sasha Koritsa has a different opinion. She believes that the feeling of jealousy helps to look at the partner from the other side and is a test for relationships: it will destroy the weak, and strengthen the strong.
Family budget
Equality is typical of most polyamorous relationships. Most often, partners jointly pay for common needs if they live together. Based on her experience, polyamorous feminist Maria Chesnokova says that in most situations, polyamorous relationships are no different from monogamous ones.
“In essence, polyamory is a regular family budget, which is formed on the “Nth” number of family members. There is no division into male and female duties and roles.” Problems can arise when several partners are financially dependent on one. Or when there is a big difference in salaries and everyone's needs are very different. This problem is solved in the same way as in monogamous relationships - by talking and finding compromises.
Sex therapist Alina Tolmacheva clarifies that conflicts can arise due to different views on budgeting: common, partially common or separate. Such issues are also resolved by discussing how the members of the polyamorous cell will distribute responsibilities.
Polyamory ≠ "legal format" of infidelity
The main myth about polyamory is that it is the legalization of infidelity. In long-term monogamous relationships, from 30 to 70% of people cheat - family psychologist Yana Kataeva came to this conclusion based on her work experience.
Polyamory can be seen as an attempt to make the relationship honest: “When you are in a polyamorous relationship and start a relationship with someone on the side, it’s not cheating, but what you negotiated within your rules.”
Sex coach Sasha Koritsa also defines polyamory as ethical - not monogamy, where "treason" is not hidden, but discussed: "For various reasons, people come to polygamous relationships, but in general this is due to the fact that a person is not created to be forever and ever with one partner.
They do not want to limit themselves, because of the freedom of choice, depending on the specific situation, in specific relationships. In general, they strive for comfort and fullness of life and to feel and do whatever they want. Cheating is lying to a partner, superficial contact with a lover, polyamory is a full-fledged relationship with several people, where no one is lying to anyone.
AMORE MORE's series about polyamorous relationships is now available online at KION Cinema.
Would you like to be in a polyamorous relationship?
Polyamory: answers to the main questions about non-monogamous love
August 12, 2020 Relationship
Polyamory does not mean promiscuity at all - everything is much more complicated.
What is polyamory
There are different definitions for this term, but in general it can be described as follows.
Polyamory is being interested in or being in an intimate relationship (emotional and/or sexual) with more than one person when you agree, be open and aware of it.
Have you ever been in love with two people at the same time and couldn't choose one? If yes, then you understand what I'm talking about.
What is the difference between polyamory and cheating
First, that all people involved in such relationships consciously agree to them. No one violates agreements, lies or hides.
Healthy polyamorous relationships are usually characterized by mutual respect and openness between participants.
At the same time, partners can establish certain boundaries and conclude agreements. Their violation will harm the relationship in the same way as deceit in a monogamous union.
What are polyamorous relationships? By analogy with V, there may be forms N and W - the spelling of letters, as it were, hints at the number of partners, although interpretations sometimes differ.
Of course, all classifications are conditional: people themselves set the rules and format of their relationships. The main thing is that the conversation about this still takes place. Until you discuss with your partner exactly what kind of relationship you are in, you cannot be completely sure of them.
But what about jealousy?
One of the myths about polyamory is that there is no jealousy in such a relationship. Of course, it occurs, although not for everyone and not always.
For example, one of the partners may be jealous, fearing that a new person will overshadow him and because of this, the old feelings will fade away.
In such a situation, the main thing is not to start setting new rules, but to deal with jealousy, understand its causes and find a way to correct the situation.
If jealousy and frustration are persistent, this may mean that an open relationship is not suitable for a person, at least at this stage of life. Although the cause may be psychological problems.
In any case, jealousy is a feeling common to many people. And if it appears, there is no need to be afraid of it - you need to explore it.
How to know if polyamory is right for you
There are many reasons why people are attracted to open relationships. Here are some of them.
- The person has deep feelings or passion for several people at the same time and wants to freely express these feelings.
- A person allows relationships to develop naturally, without limiting them to too strict limits.
- Having several partners is as normal for a person as close friendship with several people.
- A person seeks to experience different types of romantic and sexual relationships and realizes that one partner cannot satisfy all his desires.
- A person wants to expand an existing relationship, but does not want to deceive a partner.
- A person just thinks "That's cool!" when they first hear about polyamory.
If you've read this far and think everything you've written suits you, great - go for it! If you don’t know how to relate to what you read, that’s fine too. It is absolutely normal to feel insecure and even fearful, thinking about polyamory as a new turn in your life - after all, this turn is quite sharp. Think, weigh everything, take your time: there are a huge number of stops on the way from "hard monogamy" to "anything".
If you are sure that polyamory is definitely not for you, then that's fine. The main thing is to convey to the partner that you agree only to an exclusive relationship.
Finally, if you realize that you are polyamorous but are in a monogamous union, again, the best way out is to talk to your partner.
