After an emotional affair

How to Heal After Your Partner Has an Emotional Affair

Healing after your partner has had an emotional affair may seem impossible. You are likely feeling betrayed and unsure if you can move forward in the relationship. Most likely you are truly hurt by this and are having trouble making sense of it all. You are unsure what to do with all the anger, frustration, and sadness you are feeling. You are thinking back through the emotional disconnect you are experiencing and feel sad.

Know that there IS help and you can heal if you choose to stay in the relationship. Learning self-care strategies and ways to manage emotions like anger and blame are necessary to move forward in your relationship and begin to live in a healthy way. Recovery after an emotional affair is possible and healing through it is the first step. Although the journey may seem hard at the moment, it is possible to find the happiness and the healing you are looking for.

You found out a few weeks ago that your partner was sending personal emails to their co-worker and texting after hours about non work-related things. The two of them even went out to drinks a few times and your partner hid it from you. Your partner assured you, it never got physical but admitted that there was an attraction and some feelings developed…but that’s it, it’s over now. As a result, you feel betrayed. You cry a lot of the time and feel incredibly confused. Things were off between the two of you but you wouldn’t have suspected this. You are wondering how long it would take until things got sexual between the two of them. Maybe you aren’t sure if to believe your partner on it not being sexual as of yet. It all feels a bit much.

Eventually you end up in a place where you are unbelievably angry at your partner or just blaming yourself. Maybe you think it’s your weight- and that you gained a few pounds after having kids…. or perhaps it could be that you work so much and that could’ve led your partner to stray.

Unfortunately, thoughts like this only continue to blame and shame yourself. It’s important to help yourself think in ways that are helpful rather than blaming and critical.

It’s true that finding out your partner had an emotional affair can be devastating. However, if you choose to remain in the relationship and you feel it’s worth fighting for and that you can heal… know that there is healing and forgiveness that can happen. Keep reading to find out how…

Not learning how to heal and recover from an emotional affair can leave you feeling bitter and resentful in your relationship. You may feel distant and overcome with emotions that you don’t understand and can’t seem to manage.

When you choose to heal and recover from an emotional affair, you can confront your feelings and express them to your partner. Then, you can begin to feel heard and validated and authentically heal and begin to recover, versus, pushing down your feelings and avoiding hard discussions.

Yes, it’s true you may be feeling lost, alone and confused, however, if you want to stay in your relationship after an emotional affair, recovery is possible. Always remember to practice self love throughout this process.

How To Heal After Your Partner Has an Emotional Affair

Don’t get stuck in a self blame cycle
Understand to Heal, You Must Feel
Work with Your Anger and communicate with intention
Invest in the Relationship while allowing it to take time.
Surround Yourself with Friends
Write About It
Seek Help

How To- One: Don’t get stuck in a self blame cycle

One of the reasons you may be struggling is due to self-blame. What if I just do this? or what if I did that more? Maybe I should’ve listened more…. It doesn’t have to be this way. Yes, it takes two to make a connection (and disconnection) but this wasn’t primarily your fault. This is going to be a process but when you release the self-blame and you can learn to forgive your partner (and yourself). Know that there is a lot that is underlying an affair to uncover in a relationship. This will take some time but knowing that it is part of the process and not taking it on being a one person problem will help you through.

Here at Simi Psychological Group, our team of therapists and psychologists focus on issues like this. During couples therapy, we can work to help you empower yourself and also get to the root of where things may have gone wrong. We can help you and your partner connect to one another again and truly hear what is underneath one another’s frustrations. When you are able to work through the deeper things then everything else feels better.

How To- Two: Understand to Heal, You Must Feel

Sometimes after an affair, whether it’s physical or emotional, people think they can just move on like nothing happened. Doing this only exacerbates the problem. There is no way around this situation, it happened. There’s no way under or over, the only way is through the issue. We know how hard it is to look at the stuff that led to that situation in the first place. It means you have to sit with all the feelings and dig deep. And that’s painful! But there is nothing that feels better than digging deep and finding internal resolve for yourself and your relationship.

At our Simi Valley therapy practice, we work with couples’ post affair distress by helping them truly understand themselves, their partner, and their relationships. In therapy, I will help you identify the underlying stuff, and go about things differently. Together we work on understanding what doing things differently in your relationship looks like. In therapy, we will work on healing and feeling the hard stuff. Over time you will see you feel better and have let go of a lot of what has been holding you back.

How To- Three: Work with Your Anger and communicate with intention

During this time, there may be times of anger that you are unsure of how to handle. Understand that your anger is communicating something to you. What is it communicating? Maybe you are telling yourself that you didn’t deserve this. And you would be right! What feelings are under the anger? Asking yourself vital questions to help you better understand what you are feeling will help you communicate with intention rather than reaction. Communicating with intention means really asking yourself what it is that you want to get across. What are your goals? What is most important to you?

Here at Simi Psychological Group, we can address anger and how to manage and release it. Learning strategies to get to the root of your anger, such as being heard and communicating your fears, will result in feeling so much better and ready to work on even deeper issues. By asking yourself the hard questions you will be able to help yourself vision the better and more secure you. As a result this will allow you to feel your own growth and move your relationship in the right direction.

How To- Four: Invest in the Relationship while allowing it to take time.

Although this may be the last thing you want to do, you must prioritize the relationship and its progress. This means hearing your partner and what their needs and wants are. Also, this includes exploring the reason they strayed in the first place, and what they crave in the relationship. Now this doesn’t mean that how you feel will be ignored by any means!

When we learn to hear and understand our partner then this will open the door for them to hear and understand you. And yes, this will take time. No one heals after your partner has an emotional affair right off the bat. This will take time, deeper work, and a lot of self kindness and understanding. If this is foreign to you or something that is difficult for you then know that it’s a beautiful quality to possess. One that you will be able to engrain within you.

In couples therapy, we will explore small ways to express and accept kindness in the relationship and how the little things really matter. We will work on allowing you to invest while taking your time in the process. Since it is a process. By working on seeing the middle range rather than leading the relationship in either anger or denial. We know that leading on either side of the continuum will not help you heal after your partner has an emotional affair in the long run.

How To- Five: Surround Yourself with Friends

Sometimes getting an outside perspective is helpful. Whether you feel comfortable in sharing the issues with your friends or not, social connection is important during this time. Having a strong support system is necessary and vital to growth and healing.

Here at Simi Psychological Group, we not only focus on self-care for you and your partner but individual support. Together we will identify where friendships may be lacking and disconnected and work to remedy and bring you closer to those who you need most.

How To- Six: Write About It

Sometimes the things you are feeling from this emotional affair are things you don’t want to tell others; they may be very private or fueled with anger. Regardless, writing these feelings is very therapeutic and can help ease your mind when they arise. This will help you dissect your internal feelings and make sense of it all. When too many thoughts are swimming in our minds it becomes a pile of mush. And this pile tends to exacerbate all the negative feelings we have which can lead to more sadness and frustration. Writing it down secures a safe place for those feelings to lie so it doesn’t need to swim in your mind.

In marriage counseling, I will process your feelings in the room, however, I will encourage you to work on them outside of our session. Journaling is one way and an important tool in getting these feelings out of you… and onto paper, where you can reflect on them at a later time. It can help to see how far you have come, once you go back and read where you were once upon a time. Look at you!! Growing!!

How To- Seven: Seek Help

Sometimes, issues like an emotional or physical affair cannot be remedied alone. Post affair recovery takes some support. It may be helpful for another person, who is objective, professional and specializes in these things to be involved. Hearing your partner and being heard is vital to healing. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, this may not be happening, or the subject is changed, or issue avoided.

Couples therapy and marriage counseling at Simi Psychological Group is focused on truly helping you and your partner go about things differently. We have therapists who specialize in sex therapy, trauma and couples therapy, who are skilled and trained to deal with the hard stuff. We can work with you as a couple or individually to identify reasons this issue happened in the first place and steps to take for healing and resolve. As a result, you will understand the perspective of your partner much more and feel better about your relationship.

Achieving post affair recovery from infidelity through an emotional affair in your relationship can be extremely difficult, however there is room to heal and grow. Recovery and peace in your relationship is possible, with both parties willing to do the work and understand one another.

We Realize that sometimes extremely difficult situations happen in relationships and we here at Simi Psychological Group are here to help! Call us today and schedule a free consultation and let us help you heal yourself and your family!

Therapy services offered at Simi Psychological Group

Now Offering Online Therapy in Los Angeles and Online Counseling Ventura County

At our Simi Valley, Ca therapy practice, we offer Child therapy and family counseling, Teen therapy, Anxiety Treatment, Depression Therapy, Marriage Counseling, and Neuropsychological Testing.

15 Tips For Emotional Affair Recovery

What is an emotional affair?

Emotional infidelity, or an affair of the heart, usually starts out innocently enough. It feels like a good friendship. You just click. They get you. You enjoy your time together – that’s not cheating, right?

But it soon becomes obvious that there’s something more going on. Maybe you find yourself sending late-night texts. Perhaps you dress up a little when you know you’re going to see them.

You start confiding deep, intimate thoughts to each other. There’s a spark, and you know this is more than friendship – even if you don’t want to admit it yet.

It’s easy to convince yourself that because there’s no sex involved, it’s not cheating. But an affair of the heart is still infidelity, and the secrets and lies still have the power to break your current relationship.

Also watch:

If you are still unsure if your friendship has turned into something more, here are some emotional affair signs:

You can not stop thinking about them.
You draw comparisons between this person and your partner.
You are sharing intimate details.
You are spending more and more time together.
You hide the relationship from your partner.
You get butterflies when you meet them.
You dress to impress.
You have started having dreams about them.
Intimacy with your partner is decreasing.

So, how to deal with infidelity, and how to get over an emotional affair?

An emotional affair or emotional cheating feels thrilling, intoxicating, and addictive. It’s hard to let go of.

If you’ve been emotionally cheating in marriage, the first towards emotional infidelity recovery is to stop guilt-tripping yourself.

You can’t go back and undo it. When dealing with betrayal, what you can do is work on recovering from an emotional affair so you can rebuild your present relationship.

How long does emotional infidelity last?

Falling in love is not just emotion but a lot of science and can be linked to hormonal changes.

According to the research, the love stage of the relationship lasts between six months to 18 months. This does not mean the love fades over time. It simply means that people get used to love each other over a course of time.

15 tips for emotional affair recovery

An emotional affair can cause an upheaval. Wondering how to recover from emotional cheating? Try our 10 tips for getting over emotional infidelity or emotional infidelity recovery.

1. Be honest with your partner

The thing about extramarital affairs is that it’s tempting to sweep it under the carpet rather than hurt your partner, but don’t.

A survey conducted to explore how honest people are about their infidelity uncovered that no matter how honest a person might be about their infidelity to their partner, they always leave out certain key details.

Honesty is vital in a relationship, especially for an emotional affair recovery, and even though the truth will hurt, it’s better to build the rest of your relationship on the truth, not a lie.

So, the first emotional affair recovery step is to take responsibility for your actions, and don’t blame your partner. Just tell them as honestly and gently as you can.

2. Be sure you’re committed to your relationship

Be honest with yourself about the future of your relationship. You and your partner can achieve emotional infidelity recovery, but it takes 100% commitment.

Make sure you’re willing to put your heart into rebuilding your relationship and finding a way for healing from infidelity together.

3. Let yourself grieve

To a certain extent, we can all understand the disappointment and sadness a person might feel if they have been cheated on.

Moreover, a study was conducted to provide a broad look at the losses and grief felt by the betrayed partner. But what about the person who was cheating? What about their loss and grief.

An emotional affair feels intoxicating and addictive and takes up a lot of your thoughts.

If you’re feeling guilty, you’ll resist letting yourself grieve, because you think you don’t deserve to. But the fact is, the other person was a big part of your life, and it’s ok to let yourself be sad about the loss of that connection.

Grieving also helps you understand why you were unfaithful and what is it that you expect from your relationship.

4. See the difference between infatuation and love

Emotional infidelity might feel like love, but in most cases, it’s really just infatuation.

That rush of endorphins, the excitement of hurried late-night texts, or deep heart-to-heart conversations … it feels a lot like love.

Take a step back and realize that real love is built on long-term commitment and shared life, not a short but heady connection.

5. Work on rebuilding trust

As a solution for how to repair a marriage after an emotional affair, your partner will need time to learn how to trust you again, and that’s perfectly natural.

Show your commitment to mending your relationship by working on rebuilding trust with them. Ask what they need and how you can show them you can be trusted, and then give them as much time as they need to trust you again.

6. Analyze the reasons

For overcoming infidelity and preventing another incident, you’ll need to analyze why you were emotionally unfaithful.

What was it about them that attracted you? What did you feel was missing in your life or your relationship that made it easy to fall into an emotional affair?

Learn to recognize and take care of your emotional needs, so you don’t look towards someone else to do it.

7. Give each other space

Undoubtedly, your emotions and that of your partner are heightened at this stage. You could be feeling anger, hurt, insecurity and so much more. Not just this, the pain could also manifest physically by way of symptoms like lack of sleep.

The video below discusses reassuring your anxious partner that you two are okay, that you love them, and that your need for space is only your unique way of recharging your batteries. Set a deadline for your alone time, otherwise, they will think you’re ending things:

8. Reconnect with your partner

Reconnect with your partner so you can remember what you love about them and why your relationship is worth saving.

Talk to them about ways to reconnect and let them set the pace. A romantic night out or in, a short vacation, or even a simple coffee date or home-cooked meal will help you feel closer again.

9. Ask questions

For an effective, emotional affair recovery, ask questions from your partner that could calm your heart. Let them know that certain things are bothering you and you want the bond to strengthen with time. Proceed with asking questions but know that certain details might hurt you further.

So, tread the path carefully.

10. Get your feelings out

It’s normal to feel a range of emotions from guilt to grief to anger when you’re dealing with the fallout of an emotional affair.

For emotional infidelity recovery, work your feelings out physically with dance or exercise, write them out in a journal, or consider seeing a therapist help you sort through them.

11. Find a healthier focus

Emotional infidelity gives you a focus, albeit an unhealthy one.

Try to find a healthier focus for your emotions and energy, such as volunteering with a community organization, learning a new hobby, or advancing your career.

The end of an emotional affair leaves a gap in your life – take the chance to fill it with something nurturing.

12. Practice self-care

Admitting to and ending emotional infidelity takes a lot of mental and emotional energy. You’ll feel like you’re on a rollercoaster of emotions at times and might notice effects on your stress levels, sleep patterns, and appetite.

Take good care of yourself with healthy food, fresh air, exercise, good sleep, and spend time looking after yourself.

Related Reading: Healing Your Relationship with Food, Body, and Self: Sustaining Self-Care Practices

13. Get help

Pursue marriage counseling from a certified therapist to communicate your overwhelming emotions. Intensive sessions are necessary for the emotional affair recovery process.

You can also seek support from your friends and family who understand what you are going through.

14. Seek to forgive them

Forgiveness will not be a one-time act. It is a process, a journey for your emotional affair recovery.

Forgiving emotional affair is not easy. When you forgive your spouse, it doesn’t mean the hurt will go and things will switch back to normal. You forgiving your spouse will just be a step toward accepting your relationship will be okay with time.

Related Reading: Learning To Forgive: 6 Steps to Forgiveness In Relationships

15. Listen to them

Coping with an emotional affair can be difficult for both partners. Try to show compassion to your spouse rather than returning the bad deed with another bad deed for the emotional cheating recovery for both of you.

By listening to your partner, you are letting them calm the chaos in their head. In any case, this does not mean you own their emotions. Just convey your forgiveness for the long process of restoring your relationship.

Related Reading: The Importance of Art of Listening in a Relationship

Wrapping up

The end of an emotional affair usually comes with a heavy dose of guilt and regret. That doesn’t mean you should punish yourself – be gentle with yourself and recognize that you need healing too.

Only then can you move towards emotional affair recovery and put the affair behind you.

Closer nowhere: what is demisexuality

18+

Closer nowhere: what is demisexuality

Andrey Borodkin

July 4, 2019 17:24

For example, for demisexuals, sex is possible only after a long and trusting relationship, or even not necessary at all. Afisha Daily talks about this phenomenon with the help of a sexologist, a psychotherapist and demisexuals themselves.

Sexual orientation or choice?

The concept of “demisexuality” first appeared in the English-language online Urban Dictionary slang dictionary only in 2014. According to the definition, this is a kind of sexuality in which a person is not attracted to a partner until a close emotional connection is established between them .

Family psychologist and psychotherapist Marina Travkova believes that demisexual people have a whole range of manifestations of sexuality. “Some of the demisexuals do not want sex, but experience romantic feelings, someone can only experience attraction in deep and reliable relationships,” says Travkova.

Can demisexuality be a conscious choice or is it just a part of our unconscious? Sexologist, psychologist, blogger and polyamorous Arina Vintovkina is sure that there is no single answer here and it is hardly possible at all. Some researchers attribute demisexuality to orientation, others simply to the organization of sexual life. “I believe that demisexuality, like most aspects of the manifestation of our sexuality, is always a fusion of innate and social, both in men and women ,” says Vintovkina.

Demisexuality is not diagnosed in the doctor's office, this term exists more for self-definition, so scientists do not distinguish its clear signs. But demisexuals themselves periodically make checklists:

you do not know how to feel about sex, and you feel uncomfortable talking about it;

you understand attractiveness differently than most people;

you want intimacy, but you cannot find a suitable partner for a long time;

you understand sex primarily as a duty;

you do not fully understand what flirting is and why it is needed;

you would rather go on a date with a friend than with a new person;

if you are attracted, then only to one person close to you.

How do demisexuals feel?

Demisexuals are not capable of experiencing primary sexual attraction, that is, based on the external attractiveness of a person. Alexandra, who agreed to talk to Afisha Daily about her demisexuality, admits that she often encounters misunderstandings from friends and buddies who are attracted to complete strangers. “When someone evaluates the appearance of a person passing by and accompanies the assessment with the statements “sexy, wow, I would be with her ...”, then she does not find support from my side and is surprised,” says Alexandra.

At the same time, demisexuals may feel a secondary sexual desire - it arises on the basis of a trusting relationship with a partner. Demisexual Anastasia says that before meeting her girlfriend, she never experienced attraction to anyone, and now her libido is focused exclusively on her partner. “ I used to just call myself “tanyasexual” (this is the name of my girlfriend), but then I learned about such a wonderful term as demisexuality, and everything fell into place,” says Anastasia.

A 2014 study by the Asexual Education and Asexuality Awareness Network AVEN found that two-thirds of demisexuals do not feel the need for or are disgusted by sex .

A real breakthrough in understanding the feelings of demisexuals was the column of the Washington Post journalist Meryl Williams. In this emotional text, she admits that in a relationship for a long time she was not ready for physical intimacy, which is why many men were annoyed and even blamed her.

“So… how long do I have to wait?” some asked. Many acquaintances ended after only a few weeks.

The woman began to doubt whether she could even experience attraction. She felt guilty towards those she met. But, having found support on the Internet, she realized that she was able to want sex, she just needed more time for this than the rest.

How can demisexuality complicate relationships?

Demisexuality is not the same expression of sexuality that you will find in pop culture. People with this sense of self often have to put up with their place on the fringes of conventional wisdom about sexuality.

Arina Vintovkina identified the main difficulties faced by demisexuals, and they are mainly associated with social stereotypes. The atmosphere of intense sexuality that prevails in society is useful in some ways, for example, in breaking the stereotype that one-night stands are a stigma that will be with a woman for the rest of her life. On the other hand, public opinion often makes demisexuals consider themselves not sexy enough, "modern", "progressive" . “Instead of treating it as a feature, demisexuals begin to think of themselves as a wrong or erroneous person,” says Vintovkina. "Why is it easy for others to make friends in a bar and enjoy one-night stands, but I can't?"

The girl, who wished to remain anonymous, spoke about her experience of sexual relations in which she did not experience attraction. “If I had an idea that this happens, that it’s normal, that I’m not “broken,” my sex life would have developed more harmoniously,” she admits. In addition, the heroine of this text had sex with a demisexual partner long before the formation of deep affection - simply because it is so familiar and "correct".

Arina Vintovkina also pays attention to pressure from partners — this is another common phenomenon that, unfortunately, demisexuals face regardless of their gender: “Why are you not like everyone else? Any normal man/woman would have long ago... And this list of claims can be continued for a long time.”

Demisexuality, like any other manifestation of sexuality that does not correspond to generally accepted views, is often perceived by partners not as a personality trait, but as something wrong that must be corrected without fail. So partners force demisexuals to the model of sexuality that is familiar to them. This can put the relationship at risk, although demisexuality can be temporary.

“A situation where one in a couple wants sex and the other does not can be imagined among those who do not identify themselves as demisexual at all,” says Travkova.

From time to time, lack of attraction overtakes absolutely any relationship, sometimes for very banal reasons: fatigue, stress, job change, pregnancy and the first time after childbirth, when a lot of time and resources are spent on caring for a child.

Almost all couples have periods when they do not want sex or when one of the partners does not want sex. Therefore, demisexuality can be a temporary phenomenon, or it can accompany your relationship throughout your life.

Are there any benefits to being demisexual?

If you think about it, demisexuals not only teach us not to get hung up on sex, but also show an alternative way of developing relationships by their example. Arina Vintovkina recalls that from the point of view of sexology , what for one person is a disappointing shortcoming, for another can be a decisive advantage when choosing a partner . “Sexual attraction only to an emotionally close person often helps demisexuals choose partners more carefully and reduces the risk of encountering misunderstandings in relationships,” Vintovkina believes. The sexual life of demisexuals is more measured, predictable. They are less likely to have “one night stand” stories, which means they are more protected from all sorts of negative consequences that can occur during spontaneous sexual relationships.

In addition, when we view demisexuality as a phenomenon that does not correspond to the generally accepted norms for the expression of sexuality, we are all a little disingenuous. “There are many couples who don’t have sex, but at the same time are affectionately attached to each other, scratch each other’s backs and watch TV shows under the same blanket, and they rarely have sex, or they don’t have it at all,” says Travkova. The psychologist claims that such couples in the United States, according to various sources, are up to 20% among those who are in long-term relationships. Moreover, couples who consider their relationship to be good and trusting rate the value of sex in life quite low - up to 20% of overall well-being. But when a relationship deteriorates, the value of sex immediately skyrockets to 60-70%.

Travkova is sure that if in any couple, demisexual or not, there is a willingness to do something for the other, then there will always be a way to please the partner . The range of practices for satisfaction and self-gratification is vast, and it is far from being limited to sexual intercourse. “I call it ‘the Georgian taxi driver’s law’,” Travkova says. - This is my comic term, which conveys the words of a driver who gave me a lift once: "If you have at least one toe on one leg working, you are a man!"

Demisexuality cannot and should not affect the likelihood of being in a happy relationship - Alexandra is sure of this, who did not set out to find a demisexual partner, but met him. “I was looking for people to create a musical group,” the woman says. “At first they became friends, and after six months it gradually grew into a strong sympathy.”

One of the heroines said that she attends cuddle-parties - parties where strangers gather in a safe space, hug each other and hold hands. There, she noticed a person who did not interact with anyone. They found many common themes, and in these relationships the girl was able to find the positive aspects of demisexuality. “Thanks to information about the existence of such a phenomenon as demisexuality, , I was able to better understand myself, become more attentive to my needs, and to a lesser extent adjust myself to the peremptory societal standard,” she says.

tell your friends