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Adhd fear of rejection


Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD): Symptoms & Treatment

Overview

What is rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD)?

Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is when a person feels intense emotional pain related to rejection. The word “dysphoria” comes from an ancient Greek word that describes a strong — if not overwhelming — feeling of pain or discomfort. Though RSD isn’t an officially recognized symptom or diagnosis, it’s still a term that experts use in connection with recognized conditions.

While rejection is something people usually don’t like, the negative feelings that come with RSD are stronger and can be harder to manage or both. People with RSD are also more likely to interpret vague interactions as rejection and may find it difficult to control their reactions.

What’s the difference between rejection sensitivity and rejection sensitive dysphoria?

RSD and rejection sensitivity are closely linked, but there are subtle differences. To understand the differences, it helps to first know about an issue known as emotional dysregulation.

What is emotional dysregulation?

The human brain has an elaborate network of connections between its different areas. Those areas have different jobs, with some areas managing memories, emotions, input from your senses, etc. As you get older, your brain learns to regulate those signals, keeping them at manageable levels. This is much like the volume control on a TV when it keeps the sound at levels you find comfortable.

Emotional dysregulation happens when your brain can’t properly regulate the signals related to your emotions. Without that ability to manage them, it’s as if the TV volume control is stuck at a disruptively or painfully high level. In effect, emotional dysregulation is when your emotions are too loud for you to manage, causing feelings of being overwhelmed, uncomfortable or even in pain.

Emotional dysregulation can happen with many conditions, especially those affecting your brain’s structure or how it processes information. It happens commonly with personality disorders, mood disorders and more.

Emotional dysregulation and rejection sensitivity

Emotional dysregulation happens with both rejection sensitivity and RSD. Dysphoria doesn’t. People with rejection sensitivity can do one or more of the following:

  • Feel severe anxiety or other negative emotions before an anticipated rejection.
  • Have trouble seeing nonpositive interactions (such as neutral or vague reactions) as anything but rejection and react accordingly.
  • Overreact to feelings of rejection, leading to behavior that reflects negative emotions like anger, rage, extreme sadness, severe anxiety, etc.

While all of those are also possible with RSD, there’s one more component: People with RSD describe feeling an intense — if not overwhelming — level of emotional pain.

Symptoms and Causes

What are the symptoms of rejection sensitive dysphoria?

As mentioned, the key symptom of RSD is intense emotional pain. That pain usually has to be triggered by rejection or disapproval. However, people with RSD often have difficulty describing what it feels like because it’s so intense and unlike most other forms of pain (emotional or otherwise).

People with RSD often show the following traits and behaviors:

  • It’s very easy for them to feel embarrassed or self-conscious.
  • They show signs of low self-esteem and trouble believing in themselves.
  • They have trouble containing emotions when they feel rejected. This is often noticeable in children and teenagers with this condition. Some may react with sudden shows of anger or rage, while others may burst into tears.
  • Instead of losing control of their emotions outwardly, some people with RSD may turn their feelings inward. This can look like a snap onset of severe depression, and sometimes, it’s mistaken for sudden emotional shifts that can happen with bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder.
  • They’re often “people pleasers” and become intensely focused on avoiding the disapproval of others.
  • They may avoid starting projects, tasks or goals where there’s a chance of failure.
  • They compensate for their fear of failure or rejection by going all-out or striving for perfectionism. However, the downside of this is that they often experience intense anxiety and may not easily make self-care or downtime a priority.

Who does rejection sensitive dysphoria affect, and how common is it?

There’s limited available research on exactly who experiences RSD and how common it is. But the condition seems to happen most often in people with ADHD. Experts have also linked it to other personality and mood disorders, but more research is necessary regarding who experiences this issue and how common it is.

What causes rejection sensitive dysphoria?

Experts aren’t sure exactly why RSD happens. But they suspect it involves issues with the structure of your brain and that it happens for similar reasons as ADHD.

Researchers do know that social rejection — even when it’s vague or uncertain — causes similar brain activity to pain. They also know that the brain of someone with ADHD doesn’t regulate internal communication the same way as the brain of someone without ADHD. The brain areas that filter and regulate signals aren’t as active. This means there’s less of a filter on brain activity.

This difference in regulating internal communication is why people with ADHD commonly have trouble processing information from their senses. It also makes them prone to feeling overwhelmed by loud noises, bright lights or sudden changes in what’s happening around them. The brain of someone with ADHD might not be able to regulate pain-like activity, which would explain why rejection is so much more troubling and painful to someone with RSD.

Genetic connections

ADHD is a condition that has a genetic component, which means it commonly runs in families. Likewise, RSD — which has strong links to ADHD — is also more likely to have a genetic link.

Is rejection sensitive dysphoria contagious?

RSD isn’t an infectious condition. You can’t catch it from or spread it to others.

Diagnosis and Tests

How is rejection sensitive dysphoria diagnosed?

RSD isn’t an officially recognized medical condition. It’s also a condition for which there’s limited scientific research available. As a result, healthcare providers may not know much about it or have a great deal of experience with it.

Instead, clinicians may suspect that you have it based on the symptoms you describe and whether you have other conditions like ADHD. Unfortunately, providers may not diagnose it because they aren’t familiar with RSD, or they mistake it for another condition.

Management and Treatment

How is rejection sensitive dysphoria treated, and is there a cure?

While there’s much that experts don’t know about RSD, there are still ways that experts can treat it. The treatment approaches can also take different forms, and it’s common to use multiple treatment approaches at the same time.

Medications

Medications are the main way to treat RSD. The drugs in question typically treat ADHD and related conditions. That’s because treating these conditions affects the same brain areas responsible for RSD symptoms, so treating one condition affects both. Other conditions have very similar effects on the same brain areas as RSD, and treatments for those conditions can often help.

Because RSD isn’t an officially recognized medical condition, there aren’t any medications specifically approved to treat it. Instead, healthcare providers use a practice known as “off-label prescribing.”

Off-label prescribing means a healthcare provider prescribes a medication for conditions other than the ones they’re specifically approved to treat. This kind of prescribing is legal, medically acceptable and justified when evidence shows a medication has a low risk of causing harmful side effects and is effective for off-label use.

The following medication types can treat RSD:

  • Alpha-2 receptor agonists. This type of medication activates a specific type of chemical receptor found on neurons (brain cells) in specific brain areas. Medications that activate those receptors, such as clonidine and guanfacine, make those areas more active. Activating those brain areas makes it easier for your brain to regulate internal communication, reducing the effect of RSD.
  • Stimulant medications. These medications increase the levels of certain neurotransmitters in your brain. Neurotransmitters are chemical messenger molecules that your brain uses to communicate and activate or deactivate certain processes. Increasing certain types of neurotransmitters can increase activity in specific brain areas. That’s how stimulant medications such as amphetamine/dextroamphetamine (commonly known as Adderall®) and methylphenidate (better known as Ritalin®) make brain areas that regulate communication more active.
  • Monoamine oxidase inhibitor (MAOI) medications. This class of medications treats depression, but experts also know medications such as tranylcypromine can help with RSD. However, you can’t take these medications at the same time as other common medications for ADHD. You also have to be careful with what you eat because certain foods (such as aged or strong cheeses, aged meats, etc.) can interact with MAOIs and cause a dangerous spike in blood pressure.
Psychotherapy

Psychotherapy (also known as mental health therapy) can help people with RSD. Therapy doesn’t stop RSD from happening or affect the symptoms. Instead, therapy can help a person learn how to process and manage feelings so they’re less overwhelming. That can help a person with RSD feel more in control of their emotions.

What are the possible side effects or complications of treatment?

The possible side effects and complications of the various treatments depend on various factors, especially the treatments themselves. Because of that, your healthcare provider is the best person to tell you what side effects or complications are possible or likely, and what you can do to limit how they affect you.

How do I take care of myself or manage the symptoms on my own?

If you think you have RSD, it’s important to see a healthcare provider to get a diagnosis of a related condition like ADHD and then to follow up with a mental health provider. Some people can learn to manage RSD on their own, but it’s difficult to do so. That’s because RSD happens based on how your brain functions.

People with RSD also commonly have other mental health conditions, including anxiety and depression. In most cases, it takes a combination of medication and mental health therapy to learn to live with this condition. Your provider can recommend treatment options and guide you on what you can do to help yourself as you learn to manage RSD.

How soon after treatment will I feel better?

The time it takes to notice a difference from treatment depends on the treatments you receive. Medications can help with the symptoms, but mental health therapy offers the best chance of learning to live with RSD.

Because no two people’s brains are alike, and conditions like ADHD and RSD affect people differently, the time it takes to notice changes and improvements can also vary. Your healthcare provider is the best person to tell you more about when you should expect to notice changes and what else you can do to help yourself manage this condition.

Prevention

How can I reduce my risk of developing rejection sensitive dysphoria or prevent it entirely?

Unfortunately, RSD happens for unpredictable reasons that experts don’t yet understand. Because of that, it’s impossible to prevent it or reduce your chances of developing it.

Outlook / Prognosis

What can I expect if I have RSD?

People with RSD typically develop behaviors and mental health issues that stem from their fear of rejection. Children with ADHD and RSD also face potential problems with low self-esteem, fear of failure and severe social anxiety. These issues can affect performance in school, building social relationships and friendships, and more. Researchers have also linked rejection sensitivity to a higher risk of having a personality disorder.

Adults with RSD are more likely to experience anxiety, depression and loneliness. People with RSD often avoid situations where the outcome or success is uncertain. This can lead to avoiding job opportunities, forming friendships or romantic relationships, and more.

How long does RSD last?

There’s limited available research to show how long RSD lasts. People may grow out of ADHD as their brains develop, meaning that the condition eventually resolves on its own. For people who don’t grow out of ADHD, a condition like RSD is most likely a permanent, lifelong concern.

However, diagnosis and treatment — especially earlier in life — make it possible for people to adapt and manage it. Eventually, people with RSD may overcome the effects or at least learn how to limit its impacts on their lives.

What’s the outlook for this condition?

RSD on its own isn’t dangerous. But it does have connections to conditions that can be dangerous. Among these are anxiety and depression, which may increase the risk of self-harm or dying by suicide.

When to seek emergency care

You should get immediate help if you have thoughts about harming yourself, including thoughts of suicide, or about harming others. You should also seek immediate help if you suspect someone you know is in imminent danger of harming themselves.

To get help in these situations, you can call any of the following:

  • National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (United States). This line can help people who are struggling with suicidal thoughts or impulses. To call this line, dial 988.
  • Local crisis lines. Mental health organizations and centers in your area may offer resources and help through crisis lines if you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, self-harm or harming others.
  • 911 (or your local emergency services number). You should call 911 (or the local emergency services number) if you feel like you are (or someone you know is) in immediate danger of self-harm or suicide. Operators and dispatchers for 911 lines can often help people in immediate danger because of a severe mental crisis and send first responders to assist.

Living With

How do I take care of myself?

If you think you have RSD, it’s important to talk to a healthcare provider who specializes or has experience with treating ADHD and its related conditions. A healthcare provider is best prepared and qualified to diagnose RSD and guide you on possible treatments and how to manage this condition.

You should also keep in mind the following:

  • Medications make a big difference. If medication is part of your treatment plan, it’s important to build taking medication into your routine. These medications can help make RSD and its effects easier for you to process and manage.
  • Find a therapist you click with and see them regularly. Learning to adapt your thought processes and behaviors is crucial to managing RSD. Mental health providers like therapists or counselors can help you develop new ways of thinking and strategies that limit the impact of RSD on your life.
  • Make self-care a priority. Stress and anxiety can make RSD feel even worse. Finding ways to limit your stress can help you adapt to RSD.
  • Be nicer to yourself. Failure and rejection are something that everyone experiences at some point in life. Understanding and accepting that’s a part of managing RSD. If you find yourself facing these feelings, finding healthy ways to accept and process how you feel can help you avoid immediate reactions that you might later wish you could take back.
How do I help my child if I think they have RSD?

Children who have ADHD have a much higher risk of also having RSD. If your child shows symptoms of either, you can do the following to help them:

  • Talk to a healthcare provider. Early diagnosis and treatment can make an enormous difference when it comes to the overall effect of RSD and its related conditions.
  • Understand that RSD is real and how it works. Research shows that ADHD is a condition that happens because of specific differences in an affected person’s brain. Those same changes are likely what causes RSD to happen, too. That means children with these conditions are often unable to manage their behavior because of how their brains work, no matter how badly they want to or how hard they try.
  • Be patient. Children with ADHD face challenges (see our article on what it means to be neurodivergent to learn more), and frequent criticism can intensify the effects of RSD and make it feel much worse.
  • Help your child learn resilience. Failure and rejection happen to everyone. Teaching children how to learn from failures and recover can help your child cope with RSD and its effects.

A note from Cleveland Clinic

Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is a problem that interferes with your ability to regulate your emotional responses to feelings of failure and rejection. While rejection is almost always unpleasant, people with RSD experience overwhelming levels of emotional pain. This can lead to long-term mental health issues, fear of failure and behavior changes that negatively affect them throughout their lives.

While RSD isn’t an officially accepted medical condition, there’s growing evidence and understanding of how this condition works. It’s also possible for healthcare providers to treat it using treatments and approaches that help similar or related conditions. If you suspect you have RSD, you should talk to a healthcare provider specializing in conditions like ADHD. These professionals are best equipped to help you understand and learn to manage this issue.

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria -- Causes and Treatment

Written by Stephanie Watson

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) makes it harder to focus, pay attention, and sit still. Most people who have ADHD are also very sensitive to what other people think or say about them. This is sometimes called rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD), which is not a medical diagnosis, but a way of describing certain symptoms associated with ADHD.

"Dysphoria" comes from a Greek word that means “hard to bear." People who have RSD don’t handle rejection well. They get very upset if they think someone has shunned or criticized them, even if that’s not the case.

Up to 99% of teens and adults with ADHD are more sensitive than usual to rejection. And nearly 1 in 3 say it's the hardest part of living with ADHD.

How Can RSD Affect Your Life?

People who have the condition sometimes work hard to make everyone like and admire them. Or they might stop trying and stay out of any situation where they might get hurt. This social withdrawal can look like social phobia, which is a serious fear of being embarrassed in public.

RSD can affect relationships with family, friends, or a romantic partner. The belief that you're being rejected can turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you act differently toward the person you think has rejected you, they may begin to do so for real.

What Are the Signs?

People with RSD may:

  • Be easily embarrassed
  • Get very angry or have an emotional outburst when they feel like someone has hurt or rejected them
  • Set high standards for themselves they often can't meet
  • Have low self-esteem
  • Feel anxious, especially in social settings
  • Have problems with relationships
  • Stay away from social situations and withdraw from other people
  • Feel like a failure because they haven't lived up to other people's expectations
  • Sometimes think about hurting themselves

Some of these symptoms are also common in other mental health conditions. RSD can be confused with:

  • Bipolar disorder
  • Borderline personality disorder
  • Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
  • Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)
  • Depression
  • Social phobia

One difference is that RSD episodes are intense but don't last very long.

Because RSD can look like other mental health disorders, it's important to get the right diagnosis. If you have ADHD and you've had any of these symptoms, see a psychologist, counselor, or other mental health provider for help.

What Causes RSD?

Doctors believe gene changes that are passed down through families cause RSD. Serious trauma -- like abuse or neglect -- can make the symptoms worse.

When you have ADHD, your nervous system overreacts to things from the outside world. Any sense of rejection can set off your stress response and cause an emotional reaction that's much more extreme than usual.

Sometimes the criticism or rejection is imagined, but not always. ADHD researchers estimate that by age 12, children with ADHD get 20,000 more negative messages about themselves than other kids their age. All that criticism can take a real toll on their self-esteem.

How Is RSD Treated?

Two types of medicine work well to ease symptoms:

  • Guanfacine (Intuniv) and clonidine (Kapvay) are drugs that lower blood pressure, but they also help with RSD symptoms.
  • Monoamine oxidase inhibitors like tranylcypromine (Parnate) treat the inattention, impulsive behaviors, and emotional symptoms of ADHD.

Therapy can help with other symptoms of ADHD, but it doesn't do much for RSD. This is because RSD episodes happen suddenly and without warning. But a therapist can help you learn how to get a handle on your emotions and deal with rejection in a more positive way.

Another way to deal with RSD is to manage the stress in your life. You're more likely to have an emotional breakdown when you're stressed out. Eat right, sleep well, and do things like yoga or meditation to keep your mind calm.

Why are we afraid to refuse | Clinic of Dr. Shishonin

Author of the article:

Dolgopolova Elena Anatolievna

Clinical psychologist

In my work, I often encounter requests: "I can't refuse," I can't say "No", "I constantly do what I don't want to do, because I can't refuse others" and the like. What is it about? This topic is borders.

Maria (published with the client's permission) talks about how she cannot refuse meetings with her friends, despite the fact that it is not interesting for her, and sometimes even harmful. “When there’s nothing at all, I lie, inventing non-existent pretexts, after that I feel shame and guilt, headaches, insomnia appear.”

Dmitry (published with the permission of the client) complains about the lack of time, he is always involved in the affairs of his relatives, he constantly saves someone, solves their problems, helps his younger brother, doing almost everything for him. “My parents are asking, says Dmitry, I can’t refuse them, I’ll upset them. Earlier, when I tried to refuse, they said that I was bad, indifferent, I think only of myself. An unbearable feeling of guilt appeared when I refused.” Since childhood, Dmitry has suffered from allergies, the disease worsens during periods when relatives are especially busy with his affairs.

Natalia (published with the client's permission): "The boss constantly asks to stay late at work, gives work at home. Overtime work is not paid. I can't refuse. I silently agree, constantly feeling angry and annoyed." I'm trying to suppress these feelings." Natalya is asthmatic and has high blood pressure.

The inability to say "No" can also be expressed in the inability to say "No" to her past, destructive relationships, addictions, fears, obsessive thoughts, and the like.

I can't say "No", it means I don't allow myself to be myself, I don't allow myself to be real, I don't understand what I want, I'm not living my life.

What is behind the inability to say "No"? "No" makes a person face unpleasant emotions, experiences.

For example, this is the fear of rejection. If I say "No", I will not be accepted, rejected. Often this is not always recognized. This is how the inner part feels, the inner child. In order to be accepted, to be loved, one must agree, be comfortable for another. This is often done from childhood by those who find it difficult to refuse others, even to the detriment of their own interests.

Often, this is not about reality, refusing, not the fact that they are rejected.

Similarly, it is impossible to say "No" when there is a fear of hurting another, offending another, upsetting. Here, too, not always about reality. Another, having heard "No", may quite normally accept the refusal. Even if he is offended, these are his expectations. You don't have to live up to the expectations of others.

Saying "No" is also about feeling guilty. I'll say "No" and I'll feel guilty. And it's hard to feel guilty. The guilt that we feel as a rule of a neurotic nature also has little to do with reality.

Saying "No" is about fear of punishment, fear of being bad, shame.

What to do about it?

  • Realize
  • Understand. Do I allow myself to say "No". It's about being yourself. Can I follow my desires, values, priorities. Perhaps even go against everyone, but defend yourself
  • Work through feelings of guilt, shame. Do not let these feelings rule, follow your choice, do what you need and it is important
  • Accept your aggression. Be in touch with your aggression, don't suppress it. Allow yourself to express negative feelings

I don't trust anyone: what is the trauma of rejection and how to get rid of it

The emotional coldness of parents traumatizes the child. In adult life, this trauma prevents a person from building close relationships with others. People with the trauma of rejection told Snob what they had to go through in childhood and how their distrust of the world spoils their lives, and psychologists told how to live through negative feelings, forgive parents and learn to love in order to heal.

"I'm not good at building healthy relationships with people": A nna, 31

My dad is neurotic and tough, and my mom is withdrawn and emotionally cold. They both had a difficult relationship with their parents. Dad was tyrannized and humiliated by her parents up to 20 years old. Mom did not know affection and love at all: her parents drank and fought, her mother beat. When my mother was eight years old, her mother was stabbed to death in a drunken fight. Grandfather got married, and the stepmother also beat mother. Then my mother lived with her aunts for a long time and was left to her own devices.
I grew up under hypercontrol. Dad beat me as a punishment for misdeeds, and mom never interceded. A couple of times I ran away from home, then came back and got more. I tried to be a good girl until at some point I didn't care if I was punished or not. I just did what I thought was right and got paid for it. It didn't stop me. As an adult, I moved out from my parents. They had outgrown their own traumas a little, and at a distance I received more warmth from them.
Pain and resentment towards my parents still lived in my soul, but over time these feelings were forced out: every time I was rejected or criticized, I understood that I should be unpleasant, but I did not feel anything. Two and a half years ago, I started having panic attacks, and I went to see a psychologist. We began to delve into my past and work through the traumas. On the instructions of the psychologist, I decided to talk to my parents. I don't remember exactly how I started the conversation. She said that our relationship was not easy and it is extremely important for me to hear from them that they love me. Parents said this, cried a little bit. For a while, I felt better: for a month or two I walked joyfully, and then everything returned to normal. The resentment hasn't gone anywhere. Now I hardly communicate with my parents: from time to time I call my mother, but I have not come to my parents' house for a long time.
I don't know how to build normal healthy relationships with people. Their warm attitude towards me scares me. I don’t trust anyone, I think that they want to deceive me or they just treat me well out of politeness, and I also politely keep my distance, not telling anyone anything about myself. I stopped talking about my feelings with my husband because it's useless. Any marriage, in my opinion, is doomed to the fading of love and tenderness in it. I'm disappointed in relationships and I'm not looking for them. When I recently fell in love, I simply drove away the feelings as unnecessary, realizing that everything would end and I would be hurt. I'd rather be hurt now than later, when things have gone too far.

Now I am in a transitional period: I am learning to open up and trust people again, but this is very difficult for me. Behind the trauma of rejection lies a deep lack of love, but without experiencing the emotions that accompanied this trauma, it is impossible to heal. This is not a deliverance, but a new experience. And I'm in the process.

Irina Kutyanova, psychologist of the Pechatniki family center:

Anna's story clearly shows a negative family scenario, when abuse and lack of love are repeated from generation to generation. An emotionally cold mother does not give enough warmth and love to her child, and in his adult life, in some stressful situations (quarrel with a partner, criticism of colleagues, etc.), the trauma of rejection is activated. Gradually, a person comes to the conclusion: "It's not me that you don't need, it's you that I don't need." He, fearing pain and disappointment, nip in the bud positive feelings for other people and does not believe in the sincerity of such feelings towards himself.

Although Anna understands that her parents were simply not taught to love by their own parents and that they raised her as best they could, she cannot forgive them, and therefore, be free. You need to live through your negative emotions in relation to your parents, accept part of their experience and close the situation for yourself. This can be done both in a group and alone, under the supervision of a specialist, using, for example, the “empty chair” technique. You need to imagine that a person who offended you is sitting on a chair in front of you, and express all your grievances to him. Then sit on a chair and respond to these grievances from the position of the opponent, playing his role. Thus, the dialogue is reconstructed and the deepest and most taboo feelings are worked out.

It is often difficult for a person to express his/her thoughts because of the overwhelming emotions. In this case, you can write down all your grievances in a letter (you don’t even need to send it). It is important that the letter ends with forgiveness. Resentment, even just, destroys the one who is offended. Unprocessed negative feelings that a person accumulates in himself and does not want to let go can develop into psychosomatic diseases. In striving for forgiveness, a person should think first of all about himself and his health.

A person with the trauma of rejection does not know how to love. In order to unfreeze this feeling and cultivate it in yourself, you need to selflessly do good deeds. You can start small: for example, say a kind word to a passerby, help an elderly neighbor carry a heavy bag. You can get a job as a volunteer in a shelter. When a person does something selflessly and receives sincere gratitude and positive emotions in return, he gradually learns to love and fills himself with this love.

"I'm always afraid that they will drive me away and call me worthless": Olga, 35 years old

Since childhood, I felt my uselessness and unimportance. Coming home from work, my father immediately went for a walk with me. Mother later told me that I often cried, screamed and interfered with his relatives, with whom we lived, and therefore he walked with me a lot. I grew up as a very active child, I always gathered around me children from the nearest yards. At the age of four, my younger sister was already left behind. At the same time, I constantly heard from my parents: “don’t interfere,” “be quieter,” “move away,” or “do something already.” At the age of five, as a punishment for some misconduct, my parents threatened to send me to an orphanage. In the evening, my father put a fur coat on me and said: “We have another girl, but we don’t need this one. We will give you to an orphanage." The mother sat next to her younger sister to confirm his words. I was very scared, asked for forgiveness and promised to be good and obedient.
At school, I was active and participated in everything possible, until the moment they introduced an experimental curriculum. I was in the sixth grade, and the teachers decided that our class could not cope, they considered it lagging behind. This hit my mother's pride, and she transferred me to another class. New classmates did not accept me: for a couple of years they reminded me that I was from a lagging class and there I belonged, although I had normal academic performance. Then my former classmates also rejected me. One of them asked me why I transferred to another class. I answered the same as the teachers said: “The class is weak, it won’t cope with the program” - and they turned away from me. I was left alone, without friends. I really wanted to communicate, and I tried in every possible way to deserve it. I adapted to others: with very smart ones I made a fool out of myself, with tears I was a jerk. If she managed to make friends with someone, she behaved in a way that was convenient for this person, being afraid to be alone again.
There was no support from my parents - my feelings never bothered them. They never once said that they love me, they never hugged me. In my family, it was generally not customary to talk about feelings. I had only to bring good grades and not think about anything else. At the same time, I was always told that I can’t do anything, I can’t, I’m not capable of anything. Mother said that no one would need me and no one would love me. She was often told that such an energetic girl should be given, for example, to dances (I was not opposed, but who was interested in my desires?), But she perceived it differently: she is taught how to curb a child who is too much, so I should become inconspicuous. Mother was always ashamed of me, and these conversations about me were unbearable to her. If suddenly she was told something bad about me or I did something that she didn’t like (and she didn’t like 95% of what I do), she said that it would be better if she killed me in the womb and that she cursed my birthday. Often this was accompanied by beatings, punishments (for example, a month without walks) and prolonged neglect. Father did not interfere and did not protect me. He always told me to be patient and be quiet. After some time, my parents separated, and my father almost disappeared from my life. Once, when my mother brought me down, I asked: “Did you really want me?” She laughed and replied, “No. Your father and I were just fucking under the fence."
In my adult life, all this resulted in the fact that it is very difficult for me to enter into relationships with people - this applies to work, and friendship, and personal relationships. I am looking for someone who will love and accept me, and I am always afraid that they will drive me away, they will say that I am worthless. I am waiting for an assessment, confirmation that I can be / live, that they will tell me: "I need you, you do not interfere, you suit me." I always think I'm not doing enough or not good enough. Previously, I couldn’t take and demand my own, enter into a conflict. I was afraid to express my opinion, because in childhood I heard from my mother: “Who are you? You have to listen to others who are more important, smarter and better. " I could endure dissatisfaction for a long time, and then it turned into tantrums.
I used to fall for any man who looked at me, and I was taken advantage of. Once, in an attempt to escape from my mother, I almost got married. This man and I constantly fought, as is usually the case in codependent couples. He was drinking. By coincidence, the wedding had to be cancelled. In the end, we, fortunately, broke up. Now I just avoid relationships.
Now I live with my mother, but we do not communicate. Father doesn't call. Once every six months, I run to him for five minutes for tea. We don’t talk much: he doesn’t need the details of my life, and I gradually stop looking for his care and protection.
A person who has had a lot of abuse in his life believes in his uselessness and worthlessness for a long time. But when I decided to work on it, I began to meet people who showed me that they needed me and did not interfere, and one of them led me to a psychologist. Now, in addition to psychotherapy, I am engaged in spiritual practices and receive a psychological education. I have no illusions that I will forever get rid of the trauma of rejection. It is too deep in me and I think it happened in the perinatal period. I am glad that I can track it, I know how it manifests itself. I learned to live with her and give people the right to choose not me and not take it personally. I learned to say to myself: "I am always with you, I love you, I need you, you are the most precious thing I have, and I will not leave you."

Elena Shokhina, psychologist of the Zelenograd Family Center:

Rejection manifests itself in the parent's insensitivity to the child's emotional needs. It can be explicit, as in Olga's story, or hidden. Often rejection is passed down from generation to generation as a form of interaction. For example, in the post-war years, parents had no time to tell their children that they were needed and loved. Growing up, children perceived this as the norm and unconsciously treated their children in the same way.
Olga's story is very traumatic — she was rejected by both parents: her mother was more aggressive, used physical and emotional abuse, while her father preferred not to interfere. What affected Olga more is another question, because the girl takes her father's behavior as a model of a male relationship with herself. Perhaps Olga will be looking for a man or has already tried to build a relationship with a man who ignored her, like her father.
Olga's father and mother fueled a widespread childhood fear of being an unloved child by threatening to send her to an orphanage. And she developed a defense mechanism: "If the world does not need me the way I am, I will be the way others want me to be." This is victim behavior. That is, the trauma split the child's personality. The task of the psychologist is to collect this personality: to help that little Olya grow up with her desires and needs - to live out her desires and become a support for herself.
In addition to rejection, Olga also faced parentification — a situation where parents force a child to grow up early and shift their responsibilities to him. In general, four or five years is a significant age for the formation of the child's psyche and the future fate of a person. A favorable family system is able to unlock the potential of a child and become a good springboard in life, while an unfavorable one can cripple.
It is almost impossible to work through such an injury on your own. One of the functions of a parent is to give the child basic trust in the world, the feeling that he is loved and everything will work out for him. A child deprived of this, having matured, does not know what he is capable of and what he can do. Therefore, it will require long and painstaking work with a psychologist. His task is to help an adult person accept everything that happened in his childhood and let go of resentment, which burns a huge amount of internal energy and does not allow a person to move on. The psychologist will also help the person express their aggressive emotions. When a child was offended and scared, he could not express this to his parents. But now, having become an adult, he not only can, but must throw out emotions that destroy him from the inside, and then tell his to the inner child : “Whatever happens, I am with you. I love you and will always support you." What Olga does.

“I used to put my mother before myself, husband and children”: Anna, 34 years old

My mother raised me alone. Being pregnant with me, she freaked out and left my father, but he did not return her. His mother quickly found him a young bride and convinced me that I was "working up". I was born in July, and my father got married in October of the same year.
Mom had many friends who often came to visit. I always rejoiced at the crowd of people in the house, I really liked to communicate with people - I could chat anyone. I was a very active child. My mother inspired me that I was negligent, clumsy, sloppy and inattentive. She constantly set my cousin as an example to me. For example, that she carefully wears things, and things literally burn on me, I quickly wear them out. There were dark days when I did something not to my mother's liking: I snapped in response to her criticism or broke something. She never beat me, but she yelled so that the walls shook. Sometimes she threatened to hand me over to an orphanage or said that she would get sick from my behavior and I would definitely get there. If at that moment one of her friends called her or guests came, she immediately changed her tone and became joyful. I hoped that she had moved away, but when we were alone, my mother usually spoke to me through her teeth again in an orderly tone, harshly and firmly, or she could ignore me and be silent for a long time. I tried to resolve the situation, to please my mother, but everything was useless. As a teenager, I didn’t even want to go home on such days. But I was afraid for her health, I was afraid of losing her, and therefore I did not make her worry and always returned. (Until now, if I’m going somewhere, I need to call her back that I’ve arrived, even if I’m going to the doctor or to work.) Mom took great care of me, and I had a fear that only the two of us would survive, although my mother’s relatives, to whom we often traveled, we were loved and accepted. At the same time, I never doubted that my mother loved me. I don’t remember her talking about it directly, but I knew that she loved.
At school, I had a difficult relationship with the class. I didn’t want to be an outcast, but I wasn’t going to adapt to the leaders either, so I hung out alone, taking newcomers under my wing so as not to be alone. I had one friend who spoiled my life for ten years of school. I was afraid to be alone and talked with her for a long time until she set me up in the seventh grade. Then I realized that the world is cruel and you can't trust anyone. Since then, I do not trust anyone and suspect everyone. I don't even trust my husband. If he goes to another, it will be a blow, I will be crushed, but I will not be surprised. There was a time when I adjusted to people, now I have become straighter. Many appreciate me for this quality.

Four years ago, I began to separate psychologically from my mother, with whom I continue to live under the same roof. Only by the age of 30 did I realize that it was not normal to consider my mother more important than my husband, children and myself. Before, I was ready to move mountains for the sake of her good mood. Just then, my mother began an open conflict with my husband. She turned all the facts in her favor, and I began to think. I had a rather long period of anger at my mother. I blamed her for everything, it was even scary that I could think so badly of her. The feeling of guilt for these thoughts was replaced by even greater anger because I forbade myself to think so. I read many articles about separation, saw pictures from my life and got angry at my mother again. Then, after some time, I suddenly realized that at that moment she gave me everything she had, and behaved with me so not from evil. It's just that she raised me alone, and she didn't have time to immerse herself in psychology. I managed to look at our relationship from the side.
Later, I looked at myself in the role of a mother, analyzed my mistakes. I found out that I, like my children, have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). It became easier for me to accept my imperfections and not scold children for the same manifestations of ADHD. They, just like I once did, drop, spill or break something, are easily distracted and do not notice the flow of time. I am glad that my children know exactly what they want and are not afraid to say what they think. I don't try to manipulate them by ignoring them, cursing and getting angry for five to ten minutes, then we make up. I learned to listen to myself: if there is a stone in my heart, it means that I am doing something wrong and I need to stop. I do not consider myself an ideal mother, I know that my children will find something to complain about to their psychologists. But for me the main thing is that I do my best and be honest with them.
After working through my trauma, I realized that all people are different and they are not obliged to meet my expectations. I just separated my mother from myself: here is my reaction and my feelings, and there are my mother's. I have no right to forbid her to react the way she wants. She is an adult and is responsible for herself. I will be responsible for myself and my children. Mom is aged and can no longer change her usual patterns of behavior, so I have to maneuver. It's difficult with her, of course. She has lost all her friends and demands that I immerse myself in her problems so that I communicate only with her. She still manipulates me, depriving me of communication. If earlier I tried to please, to improve relations, now I allow her to enjoy what she has created for herself. Now she is the first to return to contact with me, and these attacks of hers happen less and less.

Zulfiya Ismagulova, psychologist of the Otradnoe family center:

The trauma of rejection often forms before the age of six, exceptions are rare. In some cases, even when the child is still in the womb: for example, when the mother is thinking about an abortion. The earlier this injury is formed, the more difficult it is to heal. Some people have an internal predisposition to this injury - depending on temperament, genetics and the passage of the intrauterine period. The presence or absence of this predisposition can be found out by going through " rejection questionnaire .”
Signs of the trauma of rejection - distrust of the world, fear of intimacy, dissatisfaction with oneself, denial of one's needs and self-worth, feelings of inferiority, erased personal boundaries, inability to defend one's opinion, feelings of shame, intrapersonal conflicts and fear of separation from parents.
A parent's job is to satisfy their child's need for security, affection, and closeness. After all, the attitude of the child to the world will depend on this. Anna's father left. Her mother was emotionally unstable, anxious and unpredictable. Anna did not know what to expect from her mother, and therefore from the world, because the world of a child is his parents. In the family, the child develops certain beliefs. From childhood, Anna was convinced that she was negligent, that she could only survive by merging with her mother, that the world could not be trusted.
The trauma of rejection is usually turned on only for a significant person who is afraid to lose. “If I am in a close relationship, a person will recognize the real me and he will not like me. Therefore, I will avoid close relationships or I will choose men who do not need a serious relationship. Our psyche always strives for stability, for it such a scheme is simpler. A psychologist will help you change it in a safe environment, like a healthy adult who can open up without fear of being abandoned.
A traumatized child rejects a part of himself that his parents do not recognize. To restore integrity, it is necessary to emotionally separate from the parent, which Anna did.

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