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What does it mean when someone is codependent


Dependency | Mental Health America

Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. The disorder was first identified about ten years ago as the result of years of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. Co-dependent behavior is learned by watching and imitating other family members who display this type of behavior.
 

Who Does Co-dependency Affect?

Co-dependency often affects a spouse, a parent, sibling, friend, or co-worker of a person afflicted with alcohol or drug dependence. Originally, co-dependent was a term used to describe partners in chemical dependency, persons living with, or in a relationship with an addicted person. Similar patterns have been seen in people in relationships with chronically or mentally ill individuals. Today, however, the term has broadened to describe any co-dependent person from any dysfunctional family.

What is a Dysfunctional Family and How Does it Lead to Co-dependency?

A dysfunctional family is one in which members suffer from fear, anger, pain, or shame that is ignored or denied. Underlying problems may include any of the following:

  • An addiction by a family member to drugs, alcohol, relationships, work, food, sex, or gambling.
  • The existence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.
  • The presence of a family member suffering from a chronic mental or physical illness.

Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don’t talk about them or confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs. They become “survivors.” They develop behaviors that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions. They detach themselves. They don’t talk. They don’t touch. They don’t confront. They don’t feel. They don’t trust. The identity and emotional development of the members of a dysfunctional family are often inhibited

Attention and energy focus on the family member who is ill or addicted. The co-dependent person typically sacrifices his or her needs to take care of a person who is sick. When co-dependents place other people’s health, welfare and safety before their own, they can lose contact with their own needs, desires, and sense of self.

How Do Co-dependent People Behave?

Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to “be themselves.” Some try to feel better through alcohol, drugs or nicotine - and become addicted. Others may develop compulsive behaviors like workaholism, gambling, or indiscriminate sexual activity.

They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may “pull some strings” to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behavior.

The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.

Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:

  • An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
  • A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
  • A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
  • A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
  • An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
  • An extreme need for approval and recognition
  • A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
  • A compelling need to control others
  • Lack of trust in self and/or others
  • Fear of being abandoned or alone
  • Difficulty identifying feelings
  • Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
  • Problems with intimacy/boundaries
  • Chronic anger
  • Lying/dishonesty
  • Poor communications
  • Difficulty making decisions

Questionnaire To Identify Signs Of Co-dependency

This condition appears to run in different degrees, whereby the intensity of symptoms are on a spectrum of severity, as opposed to an all or nothing scale. Please note that only a qualified professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency; not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency.

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?

If you identify with several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships; you should consider seeking professional help. Arrange for a diagnostic evaluation with a licensed physician or psychologist experienced in treating co-dependency.

How is Co-dependency Treated?

Because co-dependency is usually rooted in a person’s childhood, treatment often involves exploration into early childhood issues and their relationship to current destructive behavior patterns. Treatment includes education, experiential groups, and individual and group therapy through which co-dependents rediscover themselves and identify self-defeating behavior patterns. Treatment also focuses on helping patients getting in touch with feelings that have been buried during childhood and on reconstructing family dynamics. The goal is to allow them to experience their full range of feelings again.

When Co-dependency Hits Home

The first step in changing unhealthy behavior is to understand it. It is important for co-dependents and their family members to educate themselves about the course and cycle of addiction and how it extends into their relationships. Libraries, drug and alcohol abuse treatment centers and mental health centers often offer educational materials and programs to the public.

A lot of change and growth is necessary for the co-dependent and his or her family. Any caretaking behavior that allows or enables abuse to continue in the family needs to be recognized and stopped. The co-dependent must identify and embrace his or her feelings and needs. This may include learning to say “no,” to be loving yet tough, and learning to be self-reliant. People find freedom, love, and serenity in their recovery.

Hope lies in learning more. The more you understand co-dependency the better you can cope with its effects. Reaching out for information and assistance can help someone live a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Do You Have a Codependent Personality?

Do you feed off others' neediness, or devote all your energy to your one and only? You could be codependent.

By Beth GilbertMedically Reviewed by Allison Young, MD

Reviewed:

Medically Reviewed

If your mood, happiness, and identity is defined by another person, then you could be in a codependent relationship.Shutterstock

The word “codependent” gets thrown around a lot. There are codependent couples, codependent companions, and codependent caretakers. But what does codependent actually mean — and is it really all that bad?

What Is Codependency?

“Codependency is typically discussed in the context of substance use, where one person is abusing the substance, and he or she depends on the other person to supply money, food, or shelter. But codependency is much broader than that,” says Jonathan Becker, DO, an associate professor of clinical psychiatry at Vanderbilt University in Nashville, Tennessee.

“Codependency can be defined as any relationship in which two people become so invested in each other that they can’t function independently anymore," Dr. Becker says. "Your mood, happiness, and identity are defined by the other person. In a codependent relationship, there is usually one person who is more passive and can’t make decisions for themselves, and a more dominant personality who gets some reward and satisfaction from controlling the other person and making decisions about how they will live.”

According to Mental Health America, codependency is often referred to as "relationship addiction," in that codependent people tend to form and become dependent on unhealthy, emotionally harmful relationships.

RELATED: 9 Signs You're in a Healthy Relationship

“Codependency becomes problematic when one person is taking advantage of the other financially or emotionally,” Becker says.  What's behind this behavior, though, is typically subconscious — one person is not necessarily knowingly trying to manipulate the other, even if that's the outcome. Similarly, a person who defines himself through the relationship may not be doing so in a conscious way. Gaining awareness of the subconscious motivations at work is key to improving the situation.

Enabling is a sign of an unhealthy codependence. Mary-Catherine Segota, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at Counseling Resource Services in Winter Garden, Florida, describes enabling as a behavior that's used to ease relationship tension caused by one partner’s problematic habits. Enabling behavior, which is rarely seen in healthy relationships, includes bailing your partner out (of jail or financial problems), repeatedly giving him or her another chance, ignoring the problem, accepting excuses, always being the one trying to fix the problem, or constantly coming to the rescue in other ways.

Having a codependent personality is not currently considered a diagnosable mental health condition. But some research has suggested a connection between codependent traits and conditions that are recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the guide used by mental health professionals for diagnosis. For instance, an exploratory study in Alcoholism Treatment Quarterly found a correlation between codependency and borderline personality disorder traits.

8 Signs You're in a Codependant Relationship

8 Signs You’re in a Codependent Relationship

Codependent personalities usually follow a pattern of behaviors that are consistent, problematic, and directly interfere with the individual’s emotional health and ability to find fulfillment in a relationship. “Signs of codependency include excessive caretaking, controlling, and preoccupation with people and things outside ourselves,” says Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, a consultant, educator, and author of numerous books, including Understanding Codependency.

Signs of codependency include:

  • Difficulty making decisions in a relationship
  • Difficulty identifying your feelings
  • Difficulty communicating in a relationship
  • Valuing the approval of others more than valuing yourself
  • Lacking trust in yourself and having poor self-esteem
  • Having fears of abandonment or an obsessive need for approval
  • Having an unhealthy dependence on relationships, even at your own cost
  • Having an exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others

RELATED: 10 Ways to Boost Your Emotional Health

Is a Codependent Relationship Really That Bad?

Not all codependent relationships turn sour, Becker says. “Any healthy relationship will have some codependency and give and take,” he explains. For example, it's reasonable if one partner looks to another for advice or guidance on a major decision, he says.

But if you seek out, maintain, or even feed off relationships that are not fulfilling or healthy, you could be codependent. Once codependency is identified, it can be successfully treated, Becker says. Here's how.

Pursue counseling. “Talk to a mental health provider to help rebuild your sense of self and realize why you rely so much on the other person,” Becker says. Codependency results from a failure to set personal boundaries, and learning how to do that — through therapy — is essential to healing.

Consider couples therapy. Sometimes the relationship can be helped or even saved by couples therapy to reduce codependency, Becker says.

Reconnect with friends and family. “Being in a codependent relationship can lead to isolation, which fuels the loss of self,” Becker says. “Call or email those people from whom you've distanced yourself, and start to rebuild these relations.”

Carve out “you time.” “If you once enjoyed music and gave up lessons or practicing, pick up where you left off,” Becker suggests. “Return to doing the things you once enjoyed before you became so enmeshed with the other person. ”

Seek treatment for substance abuse. “If you are abusing drugs or alcohol, talk to your doctor about treatment options,” he says. “This holds for the other partner, too, as there are support groups and resources for family members affected by substance abuse, such as Al-Anon.

Additional reporting by Denise Mann.

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Co-dependent relationships: what are they, signs and how to get out of them

How to distinguish just an unhappy union from co-dependent relationships? And can codependent relationships be happy? We deal with a psychologist.

The author of the article is Svetlana Makhova, family psychotherapist, specialist in the service for the selection of psychologists Alter

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What is a co-dependent relationship

A co-dependent relationship is a destructive form of relationship in which a person is fully involved and completely absorbed in the life of another person, most often dependent on: alcohol, drugs, food, games, work, gambling and computer games, dangerous species sports, shopping and the like.

Participants in co-dependent relationships believe that the actions and behavior of other people completely affect their life and condition, so they are completely absorbed in controlling their own and others' actions, and thus regulate their own condition.

The term "codependency" means "joint dependency". It first appeared in medicine and psychology in the late 1970s, when scientists began to investigate the causes of relapse in people with chemical addiction. Alcoholics and drug addicts, returning after therapy and rehabilitation to their families, again began to drink or use drugs. The study of the relationship between the addict and close relatives helped to reveal the phenomenon of codependence as a stable system of attitudes, stimuli and reactions that support the use of drugs and alcohol.

Signs of a co-dependent relationship

A partner can be a husband/wife, parent/child, boss/subordinate/employee—any person with whom you are in some sort of relationship.

  • you think it's your partner's fault that things aren't going well in your life because...
  • if your partner is in a bad mood or something is not going well with him, or you think that something is wrong with him - you do not find a place for yourself, you cannot do anything, therefore ...
  • you must do something to make him feel good or everything will work out for him;
  • you do not openly discuss problems with your partner - you discuss his behavior with other people, trying to understand its causes in order to find a way to fix the problem, because . ..
  • you are afraid to upset, offend, anger your partner;
  • a partner can directly or indirectly blame you for something going wrong with him, and you easily agree with this;
  • you think that help, support, attention, love must be earned by good behavior, and...
  • if you do not receive due attention and help from your partner, then you think that you are not good enough and you need to become better.

A person with co-dependent behavior can be recognized by conversations: his involvement in the lives of other people is manifested in an endless discussion of others - spouse, colleagues, friends, neighbors. Communication with such people is reminiscent of a joke about lumberjacks: “What are lumberjacks talking about? In the forest - about women, with women - about the forest. At home, they discuss their boss or employees with relatives, at work - relatives, complaining about their behavior. In contact with such a person, the interlocutor has a feeling of some confusion: it is not clear what he wants, what he feels like in this situation or next to you. You want to save such a person right away: give him advice, offer help.

A still from Gossip Girl

© kinopoisk

How co-dependent relationships develop

The formation of a tendency to co-dependent relationships is influenced by certain conditions of upbringing, where parents or close relatives had an addiction, a mental disorder, demonstrated violence or used it as an educational measure in relation to the child. In such families, no one was interested in the feelings, experiences, needs and desires of the child, no one was interested in his opinion. The child rarely heard praise addressed to him. Everything that he did well was perceived as the norm, and for everything that did not work out, he was scolded, punished, criticized.

Silence and detachment as a way of punishment made the child suffer in uncertainty: he could not understand what his fault was and how to return the favor of his parents. As a result, the child learned that he was responsible for the condition and well-being of loved ones, and in order to please them, he must have the ability to guess how to do it.

There is no direct dialogue in such families. There, no one talks about himself, his experiences, desires, does not express requests. All communication is built on duty, avoidance of problems.

This is how a person learned from childhood that:

  • he is the cause of everything that happens to loved ones;
  • he is to blame for everything, he must understand the reason himself and find a way to fix everything;
  • you can’t ask anyone - this is a sign of weakness, you have to guess;
  • everything that happens to him can negatively affect others, be ridiculed and devalued, so it is not safe to talk about yourself;
  • you can’t want anything for yourself - this is a manifestation of selfishness;
  • first of all it is important to take care of others;
  • others know better what is good for him, so the opinion of others is a priority.

A person's strong conviction that he must above all take care of others excludes even the thought of taking responsibility for his own life into his own hands and doing something for himself. Self-care is manifested in the expectation that others will take care of him if he "deserves" it. And instead of solving his own problems, he is violently involved in others, with a timid expectation that he will be noticed, appreciated, paid attention to him and offered help. It turns out, like Bulgakov in The Master and Margarita: “Never ask for anything! Never and nothing, and especially for those who are stronger than you. They themselves will offer and give everything themselves!

Shot from the film "500 Days of Summer"

© kinopoisk

In such relationships, the boundaries between the participants are blurred. A person does not distinguish where he is and where the other is. One perceives any refusal not as the will of the other ("Sorry, what you offer does not suit me"), but as the fact that he did not try hard enough or not good enough - "did not deserve it." And if he tries, changes, becomes better, the other will definitely notice / love / appreciate / give him what he wants. Therefore, it is difficult for him to leave the relationship. He does not have the feeling that he is bad in a relationship, because the other does not meet halfway: there is fear, shame and guilt that he is doing something wrong. To be loved, you have to earn love. And he will stubbornly deserve it, regardless of the desires and will of others.

Our brains are lazy. People are more likely to build close relationships with their own kind, with those who will match their behavioral model. Co-dependent people don't see themselves very well in relationships where they don't have to take care of anyone: "Why would someone else need me if they can manage without me?"

As practice shows, almost all participants in co-dependent relationships have some kind of addiction (sometimes more than one). So, for example, in a family, the father drinks, the wife disappears at work, and the son chooses a way to get away from problems in computer games. The husband drinks, the wife has a food addiction. The girl talks about her relationship with a guy with whom they cannot leave - in the process it turns out that he once used drugs, and she was treated for anorexia.

Codependency and Karpman's triangle

Interaction between people in codependent relationships is illustrated by a psychological model called Karpman's triangle (also called the "triangle of fate"). This scheme was first described by American psychologist, MD Stephen Karpman in 1968. According to Karpman, there are three typical roles that participants in co-dependent relationships take in relation to each other: victim, persecutor, rescuer.

Shot from the series "Sharp Objects"

© kinopoisk

Playing one of these roles, each participant fulfills their unspoken, often unconscious needs and desires in the way that is most familiar to them - this is the hidden purpose and motive of being in such a relationship. However, in the long run, none of the "players" this situation will bring relief.

A gamer son will always be dissatisfied with his mother, who does not allow him to live in peace. A workaholic mother will always reproach her alcoholic husband and gamer son, who "sit on her neck" and "did nothing useful in life." An alcoholic father will complain about his wife who constantly saws him and his son. In this example, all members of the family, to one degree or another, move from one role to another: rescuer - persecutor - victim. By helping her son and husband, the wife actually does them a disservice by not letting them face the consequences of their behavior, and by criticizing them creates tension, which each of them relieves in a chosen way - through alcohol or games.

A person who plays the role of a persecutor or a rescuer does not realize that by doing so he only maintains the addiction.

Another example. A girl enters into a relationship with a married man who complains to her that his wife has ruined his whole life, and therefore he is very unhappy. She sees in him a suitable object for the realization of the role of a rescuer: "I will be better than his wife, I will definitely make him happy." The man is the victim, his wife is the persecutor, and the girl considers herself the rescuer. The man, however, is in no hurry to leave his wife, and the girl eventually tries on the role of the victim, reproaching him for spending years on him, saving his ruined life. Their relationship can last long enough, the man will not divorce, but he will not break off relations with the girl either. He will be tormented by a sense of duty to his wife and a sense of guilt towards the girl. The wife will try to get her husband back, the girl will try to keep the man; they will all stay in the relationship without trying to change anything.

Why do all the participants in the triangle, remaining dissatisfied with the situation, nevertheless do not come out of it? Initially, they all have self-doubt, low self-esteem, fear of loneliness, and need the approval of others. Through supposedly caring for a more “vulnerable”, “independent” person, they try to compensate for their own shortcomings.

Psychologist and co-author of transactional analysis Claude Steiner put it this way: “The victim is not really as helpless as he feels; The Rescuer doesn't really help, and the Persecutor doesn't really have a valid claim."

Consequences of co-dependent relationships

In a family with co-dependent relationships, one cannot want anything “for oneself” — this is perceived as selfishness, as something condemned. Therefore, no one talks about what is important to him, everyone waits for the other to guess. A person prefers to rely on social norms and attitudes, on the opinions of others (“they said on TV”, “the boss thinks”, “the girlfriend knows for sure”), that is, he comes from a certain idea of ​​“how it should be”.

The idea of ​​asking another what he wants is rare. Usually for two reasons. First, a person "must guess for himself. " Secondly, even if you ask, they are unlikely to tell you, because “you can’t want anything for yourself.” Usually they say with shyness: “What you choose, the main thing for me is your concern.” All participants in the relationship play the guessing game and care for others based on the idea of ​​\u200b\u200bhow "it should be." Therefore, if a daughter wants a blue dress, they buy her a pink one: there is no need to disgrace the family - what will people think if they see a girl in blue? And a boy in a pink T-shirt or shirt with flowers is unacceptable. Parents sincerely worry about the reputation - both their own and the child's. But behind this fear of condemnation it is difficult to hear yourself, your desires, the request of a loved one.

Such “concern” goes hand in hand with total control, condemnation of the actions of loved ones, if these actions seem unacceptable. And since a person does not have his own system of values ​​(in such a system everyone says what not to do, but no one says what to do), and he relies on the opinions of others, the rules of what not to do change often. Therefore, all participants in the relationship are in constant tension and anxiety, waiting for where and for what the reproach will fly.

Still from the film "Dirt"

© kinopoisk

What does the child hear? Most of the time, that he does everything wrong. As a rule, parents do not say how good it would be, how to fix the situation - because they themselves are not sure, and often do not know how. As a result, a person grows up who does not have support for any stable values. Such a person comes to a psychologist with the request “What should I do? What will be the correct decision? All his questions will be focused on how to do it right and how to do it. Such a person cannot defend his point of view - there is practically none; cannot make a choice, distinguish what is good for him and what is bad. If you ask him how he feels now, he will be confused, because it is important for him to give the "correct answer". Such people often experience communication anxiety for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. Everything new and unknown in the family is perceived with hostility, as "dangerous". The initiative is not welcome. And when a child grows up, on the one hand, they demand independence from him, on the other hand, they continue to condemn all his attempts to do something, as well as any of his inaction. This leads to apathy and depression: I do it - it's bad, I don't do it - it's also bad.

A teenager who grew up in such a family often cannot choose where to go to study after school and who to be. Most likely, he will go where his parents say or where his classmates went, or he will delay admission without choosing a direction. Quite often teenagers go to computer games. This dependence, like no other, clearly reflects the lack of a stable value system. The game has a virtual opportunity to do something and achieve something. Passing levels, players acquire tools, skills, associates, become masters of their virtual life - here it depends on them and their actions have an obvious result. The rules and laws of the game give a sense of stability and, as a result, confidence. However, real life sags: children are lagging behind in their studies, they have no friends, there is no interest in anything other than games.

People who do not have a solid value base are permanently in a state of helplessness and despair due to their inability to change anything. There are many ways to get away from experiencing your worthlessness, guilt, shame, anxiety: alcohol, drugs, food, work, romance, and so on. Anything that allows you to quickly relieve stress. This is how addiction is formed.

What is drug addiction and how to protect loved ones from it

However, no addiction can make a person happy and his life full. Sooner or later, he begins to face the consequences of addictive behavior: it drags on, social ties collapse, problems grow like a snowball. A person with healthy boundaries, a stable value system, is unlikely to enter into a close relationship with a person who has a tendency to codependency. If you find yourself in such a relationship, it’s worth starting to deal not with your partner, but with yourself - most likely, during psychotherapy it will turn out that there were similar relationships in your parental family.

How to get out of a co-dependent relationship

If you feel that the current relationship is destructive for you, you are not confident in yourself, you don’t know how to live on, you lose meaning - seek help from a psychologist. Getting out of a codependent relationship can be difficult. Getting used to the role of a rescuer, a person feels guilty about leaving the "helpless" partner to the mercy of fate. Or the exit from the relationship is perceived as a defeat: "I failed." Or he is overwhelmed by the fear that he himself will not survive alone, although at the same time he supports himself and his family. Sometimes the partner begins to threaten suicide or violence, and then the person is in an unsafe situation and remains in the relationship out of fear.

As practice shows, it is possible to get out of co-dependent relationships by an effort of will, but this does not guarantee that in the future a person will not fall into them again. It is very difficult to single-handedly see those patterns and motives of behavior that lead to co-dependent relationships, recognize your contribution to what is happening, restore self-regulation skills and master new ways of building relationships. To get out of a co-dependent relationship, you first need to turn to yourself - learn to answer the questions "where am I, what do I feel and feel, what do I want, what are my capabilities and limits."

To develop the ability to understand your current state, you need to include in your value system the habit of answering questions:

  • what is happening to me
  • what is important to me
  • what suits me and what doesn't suit me
  • when it's time to say: "You can't do that with me."

Work with a psychologist can be carried out in one of three directions, and preferably in all at once.

Personal therapy

The main task in overcoming codependent behavior is to work with destructive attitudes, distorted self-perception, and fears. A person learns to openly express emotions, take care of himself, thereby reducing the level of anxiety and tension.

Working with the family at the family psychologist

The goal is to recognize the contribution of each family member to the current situation, restore a direct dialogue, form a trusting relationship by expressing feelings and experiences, desires and needs, as opposed to pre-existing destructive relationships based on criticism, obligation , devaluation of desires and feelings of each other.

Group work

There are anonymous groups for codependents. In a group space, a person in a safe environment masters ways of productive interaction, with the help of the leader and group members, he restores a sense of his own importance. Working in a group returns a sense of security, support, and self-confidence increases. An image of a socially adapted, successful person with personal potential is being formed.

It is important to remember that there is a way out of co-dependent relationships, both individually and for the whole family. It consists in getting to know oneself, becoming aware of experiences, learning to present them to others, and building a system of values. Bring more certainty into relationships with yourself and others.

What happens to victims of codependency is not their fault. Their character is the result of education, and their actions are determined by the ways of adapting to adverse conditions that they had to use in childhood. We do not choose which family to be born into. And at the beginning of the journey, we are dependent on our parents - this is a fact. But the good news is that as we grow up, we have the choice to try things differently, to change our lives.

There are enough examples that relationships between partners, children and parents, friends are improving - if the participants are interested in this. When one member of a relationship changes, the rest must also change. This does not happen immediately, because the environment will resist. That is why it is important to go to both individual psychotherapy and family and group psychotherapy in order to receive maximum support during this difficult period of change.

Tags: psychology , relationship

Co-dependency: what it is, signs and causes, how to get out of it

Co-dependence in a relationship can be incredibly destructive, in part because you may not even be aware that it is present in your life. Clinical psychologist and co-founder of the YouTalk online service Anna Krymskaya explains what a co-dependent relationship is, what are their causes, how to recognize and overcome them

What is a co-dependent relationship

There is no single definition of "co-dependence" in the psychological community. On the one hand, this term describes the violation of personal boundaries between partners, when two people in a relationship are emotionally or financially dependent on each other, and the main need of one is to “bind” the other, to become part of it. On the other hand, in psychology, "codependency" is also called a dysfunctional relationship with a partner suffering from some kind of pathological addiction - alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling, and so on.

This article will focus on the first phenomenon, that is, codependence in a couple, which is accompanied by excessive absorption in another person, painful experiences - and is reflected in all areas of life.

Immediately spoiler - if you are co-dependent, this does not mean that only parting can solve this problem. Every situation is different. Having received help and feedback from a specialist, it is possible to maintain relationships and direct them into a functionally healthy direction.

Related material

Drama Triangle

More than 40 years ago, the American psychiatrist Stephen Karpman introduced the “triangle of fate”, or “dramatic triangle”, a psychological and social model of interaction between people, consisting of three facets-roles: “persecutor” (English persecutor) , "rescuer" (English rescuer) and "victim" (English victim). The Karpman Triangle reflects the structure of co-dependent relationships.

The "pursuer" sets his own rules, controls, imposes his point of view, does not allow mistakes and is constantly looking for the guilty. When he cannot clearly show his anger, he blackmails and manipulates. The “victim” ignores his own needs, dissolves into the “persecutor” with whom, as it seems to her, she is connected with true love, and the thought of losing her introduces the “victim” into a panic. The "rescuer" feels his value through the imposition of help and a sense of superiority over the "victim". In co-dependent relationships, each of the participants at some point tries on one of the three roles, but cannot get out of the vicious circle, because he is afraid and denies the destructiveness of the situation.

How to distinguish codependent relationships from healthy ones

We all depend on each other to some extent. Mutual support, emotional connection, dialogue, mood attunement, shared interests are all important factors in a healthy relationship. Codependent relationships are a toxic bond without which people cannot function. They lose their autonomy. Any difficulties in relationships with a partner are reflected in other areas of life, including interactions with loved ones, friends and colleagues. At the deep stages of codependence, a person can move away, avoid communication with the outside world, because talking about their relationship is scary, embarrassing and uncomfortable, any advice or hint of an unhealthy relationship is perceived with aggression and distrust.

If communication with a child was built through submission and disregard for his desires and he sought to please in order to earn the encouragement and "love" of his parents, as an adult, he will be more inclined to enter into codependence

the most important thing in life, the existentially important. An independent person may have a career in second place, a hobby in third, and travel in fourth. A codependent, on the other hand, will not be able to easily pass a value test by setting priorities from 1 to 10: all other areas of life pale against the backdrop of the significance of relationships with a partner, without them life is empty and meaningless.

Causes of co-dependent relationships between a man and a woman

The tendency to co-dependent behavior is often formed in childhood. The reasons are related to the peculiarities of relationships in the parental family and how a close adult reacted to the needs of the child: was he sensitive to successes and peculiarities, was he emotionally available, did he give freedom of action, or, conversely, overprotected when the child could already do something do it himself and his life did not directly depend on the parent. It is noteworthy that any of the extremes can contribute to the formation of codependency in the future.

For a child, on a biological level, the absence of the love of a mother or other close relative who fulfills her role means death. Love in the family means that the child will be safe, he will not be abandoned, he will survive and his emotional needs will be met. Research shows that emotional abuse and neglect in childhood puts us at risk of developing codependent behavior in the future.

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If communication with a child was built through submission and neglect of his desires and he sought to please in order to earn the encouragement and "love" of his parents, as an adult, he will be more inclined to enter into codependency in marriage, in a relationship with a romantic partner. This behavior is also called the "home instinct" - that is, the reproduction of the situation of childhood in their current relationship. This happens on an unconscious level.

For example, if a girl grew up without a father or he was an emotionally unavailable figure as an adult, she may look for a man who will show similar emotional stinginess: not revealing the details of his life to the end, being as if in a distance, avoiding frank conversations. At the same time, the girl may be aware of the similarities with the relationship of her parents, but she will be firmly convinced that now, in her personal life, she will be able to change everything and correct mistakes. For example, if her parents divorced, then she definitely will not allow this and her children will not be left without a father. However, the "home instinct" often leads not only to the repetition of patterns of behavior, but also leads to the same result.

Co-dependent people believe that if they behave correctly, find the right words, do something differently, they will magically earn the love of a partner

How to understand that you are in a co-dependent relationship

Co-dependence manifests itself in different ways. It is always necessary to evaluate the intensity and coincidence of several signs of a co-dependent relationship, among which: Show control behavior, impose your will. You expect your partner to behave in a certain and understandable way for you.

  • Rapid rapprochement

You met and can't part, move in quickly, get married quickly. Often in this case, the idealization of the partner is inflated to the maximum. Our consciousness turns expectations and fantasies about the qualities of a partner into reality.

  • Search for salvation

In another person you see salvation from your loneliness and inner emptiness. Career, hobbies, interests, life guidelines and principles - nothing but your partner can fill the void inside, only with him or her you feel "at home".

  • No choice

You cannot recognize and respect your partner's right to make your own choices. The fact that his or her desires and decisions may differ from yours is frightening and not discussed.

  • Impaired sensitivity to self and others

You are aware of only fragmentary knowledge about yourself and your partner, reproducing repetitions of your emotions and behavior from year to year. It's like living the same scenario. The dominant feelings and behavioral reactions in this scenario will be guilt, anger, fear, distrust, overprotection, overcontrol.

  • Difficulties in accepting responsibility

The responsibility for your well-being, development, satisfaction of needs lies with the partner. You are guided by the phrase "I would, ... but ..." and as if living a draft of your life.

  • The idea that your partner owes you

It's hard to negotiate in a codependent relationship. Attitudes regarding the behavior and responsibilities of a partner (for example, that a woman should be a muse, and a man should be a breadwinner) do not change from the beginning of a relationship and do not allow discussion.

  • Low self-esteem

No inner conviction that you are worthy and valuable in yourself. You have constant doubts, and by your behavior you are trying to earn love, praise and prove that you have a right to it.

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  • Money problems

Being financially dependent on a partner makes us feel small and in need of care. This desire can again be associated with the “instinct at home”, because children do not have to and cannot provide for themselves. Fanatical accumulation may indicate the opposite - the fear of losing independence and asking for help. In a healthy relationship, flexibility is implied, where financial roles can be changed without juggling the roles of "rescuer", "victim" and "persecutor".

  • Revenge and competition

If your partner made a mistake and did something unpleasant, instead of giving constructive feedback and discussing the issue, you harbor resentment. At the right moment, you repeat the behavior of your partner in order to hurt him or her and say with grim satisfaction "why you can behave like this, but I can't."

  • Magical thinking

Codependent people believe that if they behave correctly, find the right words, do something different, they will magically earn the love of a partner. As in childhood: if I get an A or clean the house, my parents will praise and love me more.

In addition, codependent people often have behavioral addictions, such as workaholism, compulsive overeating, hoarding, or an obsessive need for perfect cleanliness and organization of space. The life of a codependent is similar to chaos, these habits help to ground and calm down in eternal anxiety, to create a feeling of control over one's life.

Consequences of co-dependent relationships

In co-dependent relationships, a person seems to lose himself, personal boundaries are erased, hobbies disappear and attention to his needs disappears. At the same time, all resources are spent on maintaining toxic relationships, and not on trying to restore the psychological state.

Very often codependence characterizes cyclicity. A person experiences an emotional swing - happiness and a temporary idyll are replaced by aggression, manipulation, neglect. Moreover, such changes occur suddenly, so one of the partners is constantly in suspense, waiting at any moment for a change in the weather. It shatters the psyche and self-esteem.

Breaking up a relationship is not always the only way out. If desired, partners can change their relationship if they make this decision together and make an effort

The companion of co-dependent relationships is violence. It can be physical - blows, spanks, pushes, even hugs against the will; sexual - uncomfortable touching or sexual contact against the will and consent; emotional - insults and verbal injections, various manipulations of feelings. In families with a codependency problem, passive violence can also be observed in relation to children, when parents are emotionally unavailable: there is no swearing, but there are no warm words or physical contact. Also, the responsibilities of an adult may not be transferred to the child in a timely manner - for example, the elder is expected to constantly care for the younger ones.

Violence is terrible both in itself and in its consequences. Children often develop attachment trauma that will prevent them from building trusting relationships in the future. If a person managed to get out of a co-dependent relationship, but failed to undergo personal therapy or it was insufficient, the risk of a vicious circle and a repetition of the experience with another partner is high.

How to get out of a co-dependent relationship

People prone to codependency are afraid of parting. This is a painful process, often a couple exhausted by toxic relationships does not have enough resources and energy for it. But breaking up is not always the only way out. If desired, partners can change their relationship if they make this decision together and put effort into it.

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Each situation is different, so it is not possible to give a short universal scheme. But here are some strategies and exercises to get you started:

  • Self-diagnosis. Ask yourself these questions: Why am I not happy with the relationship? What are my needs being ignored? What is the value of this relationship for me? Do our views coincide with the partner regarding the development of our relations? Do I have unrealistic ideas about the future of our relationship? Am I ready to be with my partner if he/she doesn't stop meeting my expectations? What exactly do I want to change? What efforts am I willing to make for this?
  • Work through childhood trauma and relationships with parents. Find out what processes you transfer to communication with a partner. It is best to do this with the support of a psychologist.
  • Shift the focus from your partner's desire to your desires. Ask yourself what exactly you want.
  • Make a list of what you have in common and what is different with your partner. Try to learn to respect and accept your differences.
  • Keep a diary of feelings. Keep track of what emotions cause you certain situations in communication with a partner.
  • Focus on yourself, your interests and relationships with friends and loved ones. Find a new hobby, travel, or study.
  • Work with the fear of being alone. Again, it is better to do this with a psychologist.
  • Make a list of grievances against your partner, analyze them and try to identify what you are grateful for, what lessons you learned from them.
  • Talk to your partner about couples or family therapy.

If you want to start the path out of co-dependency on your own, turn to self-help literature - for example, read the books of the book "Relief from Addiction" by Berry and Janey Weinhold, "Codependency Through the Eyes of a Systemic Therapist" by Natalia Manukhina, "Hold Me Tight. 7 Dialogues for the Love of a Lifetime Susan Johnson, Borrowed Life by Irina Mlodik.

Get ready that the process of getting out of a co-dependent relationship is not quick and difficult.

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