Actions of a jealous person
How to Spot the Signs of Jealousy or Envy
Written by WebMD Editorial Contributors
In this Article
- What Is Jealousy and Envy?
- Signs of Jealousy and Envy
- Living With Jealous or Envious Thoughts
You may have heard people describe someone as “green with envy.” This phrase dates back to the ancient Greeks, who believed jealousy could trigger bile production and turn skin slightly green, a sign of sickness. Jealousy is sometimes referred to as “a green-eyed monster.” It was Shakespeare’s character Iago that first muttered the phrase in Othello.
Although many people use the words “jealousy” and “envy” interchangeably, there is a difference between them. What is that difference, and how can you tell if you or someone you know is experiencing them? Learn the differences and steps to take if you’re in a situation around jealousy or envy.
What Is Jealousy and Envy?
Envy is wanting what someone else has. You might see a neighbor with a new car or a coworker get a new job and desire the same. You might feel a sense of resentment toward the individual for attaining something you want but have yet to achieve.
Jealousy is more about holding onto something you already have. You might experience jealousy in a relationship when you perceive a threat or worry that the relationship is changing in a negative way.
While these emotions are easy to define and often easy to recognize, they can be difficult to control.
Signs of Jealousy and Envy
Jealousy is typically thought of in terms of relationships, especially with partners. Envy is more associated with desiring what someone else has or has achieved.
Signs of Jealousy
Trust is an important aspect of any relationship. When you are feeling jealous, a lack of trust can lead to negative thoughts. Signs that you might be jealous are:
- You don’t trust your partner when you’re not together.
- You get concerned when they mention other people.
- You constantly check their social media to see what they’re doing.
- You think they’re cheating on you.
- You’re attempting to control your partner’s behavior.
If you’re the target of jealousy, you may feel like someone (usually a partner or friend) is trying to control your life. They might do things such as check up on you, try to tell you what to do (or not do) and how to act, or limit your contact with friends and coworkers.
Signs of Envy
Healthy competition between people can be good, but when you’re feeling unhappy when others achieve success or feel the need to constantly one-up their accomplishments, you may be experiencing envy. Signs of envy include:
- You aren’t happy for others when they achieve success.
- Another person’s success makes you feel unhappy.
- You feel the need to diminish someone else’s success.
- You judge others negatively.
- You’re happy when others face setbacks.
The rise of social media has been documented to trigger envy and lower mental well-being in some people. As friends post pictures of their best moments in life, it can trigger feelings of inadequacy or regret in others. These can be powerful emotions.
Living With Jealous or Envious Thoughts
Just about everyone feels jealous or envious once in a while. However, when these emotions start to become overwhelming, it can trigger concerns about inadequacy or feeling ill will toward others. It can also bring about symptoms of stress. In some cases, it can lead to depression in some cases.
Extreme Jealousy Can Be a Cause for Concern
Extreme jealousy is listed as one of the warning signs of domestic violence and abuse. If you’re the target of intimidation in a relationship or worried about your partner becoming angry or violent, get to a safe place and then reach out for help.
Use These Emotions in a Positive Way
As difficult as it might be to believe, jealousy and envy can also have a positive impact. When you recognize jealous or envious feelings, it can be a sign that you need to change.
For example, if you want that new car, you may realize you need to make changes in your spending or savings habits to get it. If you’re jealous of a coworker because they have a better relationship with the boss and you worry that may impact your job, you might try to develop your relationship with your manager.
Practice Gratitude
When you’re feeling these strong emotions, it can help to pause for a moment and reflect on the positive things in your life. Gratitude can mitigate these emotions and help you overcome any negative feelings by recognizing the positive things in your life.
It’s not uncommon to have these feelings. Almost everybody has tinges of jealousy or feels envious from time to time. Recognizing the signs of jealousy and envy can help you control your emotions so they don’t escalate or negatively impact your life.
If you’re starting to feel like jealousy or envy are affecting your mood or you’re worried about the consequences of these feelings, talk to your doctor.
How To Tell If Someone Is Jealous Of You – 14 Signs
Jealousy is a relationship-killer. The signs of jealousy are not always prominent. Sometimes, you cannot understand why a person is being mean to you. One of the reasons could be jealousy. If you have been doing good in life, are successful, rich, or famous, or have something that someone else wants, they could become jealous. Jealousy is not a pleasant feeling. Unfortunately, it is an emotion that we all experience. If you think someone is jealous, figure out what is triggering it. Learn to spot the signs to deal with them. This article lists the common signs of jealousy. Read on!
In This Article
How To Tell If Someone Is Jealous Of You
Image: Shutterstock
1. Jealous People Ply You With Insincere Compliments And False Praises
One thing that jealous people never want to admit is that they are jealous of you. When good news comes in, they do the sneaky thing by acting overly supportive and giving you insincere compliments. Once they are in the clear, the claws come out.
An insecure person would praise you when you are in front of them but would tell lies or gossip about you behind your back. This is passive-aggressive behaviori XA type of behavior in which one avoids direct communication and prefers subtle expression of negative emotions. . Be careful of such people; they are two-faced. In fact, you hardly stand any chance of exposing their real nature. That is why you should always pay close attention to what you confide in others. Check in with your buddies if you feel someone has been talking trash about you behind your back.
When someone is jealous of you, they often pause for a long silent moment before congratulating you or telling you that you have done a great job. That reaction is caused due to their secret envy of your success.
2. Jealous People Are Excellent Copycats
Although some people believe that copycat behavior is often a sign of flattery, it is not always the case, psychologists tell us. Someone who is envious of you may also try to mimic your behavior and imitate every single thing you do. They could go as far as copying hairstyles, dressing, walking, and talking the same way you do. Even if you find it flattering at first, sooner or later, it will start to get really irritating. The best you can do in this situation is to try not to pay a lot of attention to the copycat.
Jealous people are obsessed with what you have – and they want it. For jealous individuals, it is like a game of “who wore it better.” Expect those people to imitate you in many different ways. If you often get all the attention, they will imitate your fashion style and add their own little flair to it. If you are a good dancer, they may take up dance classes as well. It can seem like a good thing if they behave this way, but they are actually just obsessing over you. It is most likely that they don’t even like you or the things they copy from you.
3. They Flaunt Their Successes, Often More Than Their Actual Merit
Image: Shutterstock
While you may be too humble to voice or enjoy your achievements, jealous people often try to make themselves feel better by drowning out your achievements by overemphasizing their own. This will happen even if their achievements are way smaller in comparison to yours.
Most often, when jealous people achieve success in anything, they will try to make the whole world aware of it. They will openly flaunt their successes. Usually, people who behave this way are extremely envious of others’ achievements and are terribly insecure. They would do anything and everything to prove that they are worth at least as much, if not more.
4. Jealous People Deliberately Give Bad Advice
Since jealous people don’t want you to add more achievements to your kitty, they sabotage your attempts purposely by giving you bad advice. Or they may just simply discourage you from even trying.
Remember, what they truly want in life is for you to fail. If you ask someone who is jealous of you for advice about a problem, they may deliberately give you bad advice. The logic is, if they are already jealous of you right now, they are not likely to tell you how you can do better. They may even make it their life’s mission to discourage you from trying new things. If you are excited about a plan you made, they will be the first one to point out any conceivable flaws in it, just to deflate your dream balloon.
5. Jealous People Love To Dish The Dirt On You
Research has shown that people who gossip a lot have very high levels of aggression, anxiety, or are immensely unhappy. They gossip more than others because they want to feel superior even though they are extremely insecure about themselves. They aren’t, in fact, confident in themselves.
People who are jealous of you could try to ruin your reputation by spreading false rumors or making negative comments about you to others. Jealous people are often non-confrontational. They may even come across as super-friendly; they fight their fight against you underhandedly. They will downplay your achievements, spread malicious gossip about you, or just talk crap regarding you behind your back.
6.
They Are Very CompetitiveAs we mentioned before, it is a jealous person’s nature to try to outdo you in every way possible. They want to steal all the glory – not because they think that you don’t deserve it, but because they know you do and this makes them feel inadequate. Due to this, they are extremely competitive (1), especially if it is at the workplace. They will go to any lengths to exceed the efforts you make.
While it could be extremely tempting to confront them, you need to refuse to make the competition unhealthy. Refusing to be a part of their cat and mouse game will make them less likely to try to compete with you. Do your best to foster an environment of cooperation and collaboration instead of competing.
7. Jealous People Will Criticize You
Have you ever met someone who criticizes you at every chance they get? Does it almost seem like they look forward to it? Yes, it is very likely that this person harbors jealousy towards you.
An average person will drop some criticism at you at some point, but jealous people will make a career out of it. They will point out your mistakes every chance they get and enjoy doing it. They may even do so in the most inappropriate of times and embarrass you in public.
8. Jealous People Tend To Cross Their Legs
According to a body language expert, a person may cross their legs for a lot of reasons. This is quite a common reaction when one feels threatened and insecure and also when they are jealous of somebody or about something.
If your “buddy” instinctively crosses their legs every time you share your achievement with them, it could be a signal that they actually envy you.
Quick Tip
Some of the other signs you could look out for include tending to turn away from you or being overtly close by excessively hugging or touching you.
9. Jealous People Celebrate Your Failures
Image: Shutterstock
Of course, jealous people will not do something obvious like breaking into a victory dance when your boss scolds you for a mistake. But darling, count on it, deep inside, they will be really happy at your fall and celebrate your failures. They will be in an unusually good mood once they learn of your failure, and then they will pretend to be friendly and offer fake consolation just to ply more info from you.
10. Jealous People Are Great Plan-Spoilers
A sign that someone is jealous of you is that they will happily give you bad news on the pretext that they are helping you or doing you a favor. For example, you have decided to go to a picnic. Upon sharing your plan with your “friend,” they will instantly tell you that it is surely going to rain for the next few days. They will say the first thing that comes to their mind to create doubt in yours. Pay attention if your “friend” says or does something that could potentially spoil your plans or make you worry about negative possibilities.
11. They Will Humiliate You In Front Of Other People
Image: Shutterstock
Jealous people jump at every chance they get to criticize you or downplay your achievements. One great way to do that is by humiliating you in front of other people. What do they really achieve from this? They want to establish their standing as a superior person. Secondly, they try to reduce your credibility by dramatizing the entire thing in front of others. It’s a complete win-win situation for them; or so they think. Smart observers see the truth in this dynamic.
12. They Hate You For No Reason At All
Jealous people rarely admit that they are jealous of you because it will inevitably add to their insecurity. Hence, they will hate you. Jealousy is a slow poison that destroys relationships. That is why it should be avoided as much as possible.
13. They Try To Downplay Your Achievements
Image: Shutterstock
The biggest pet peeve of a jealous person is when the person they are jealous of continues to achieve success. When this occurs, they want to soothe their egos and make themselves feel better by downplaying that person’s success. They do this by associating the achievements to things other than their skill.
That is why it is typical for these types of people to say things like – “She got that promotion because she oils the boss,” or “He has got connections with the manager.” They will absolutely refuse to admit that you actually earned your success.
14. They Are Almost Absent During Your Moments Of Success
The last thing a jealous person desires is to be present at a get-together celebrating the success of another person. Not only does this make them extremely uncomfortable, but it also increases their sense of insecurity tenfold. A jealous person is always giving excuses to avoid moments like this. They will just disappear before you get a chance to ask them to join in the festivities.
Quick Tip
Watch out for their social media behavior. Jealous people tend to avoid liking or commenting on your post but may dish out their love for other people. However, this observation may be invalid if they are not active on social media.
Jealousy is an emotion that we all experience, some more than others. It is a natural human feeling, and, in little doses, jealousy isn’t something we should be overly ashamed about. If we utilize this emotion positively, it can make us re-evaluate our lives and find out exactly why we are experiencing these feelings. It can make us find out about what it is that we are actually missing that is making us feel this way about someone else. It can inspire us to work hard and attain goals ourselves.
However, an inherently jealous person is quite different from someone who occasionally experiences jealousy. The former is hard to be around as they may keep affecting you through their negativity. They may act unkindly and make the good things in your life look bad and undesirable. So, you should keep an eye out for such people as cutting them out of your life at the earliest is the best course of action.
If you find someone’s behavior exhausting and think it could be jealousy, look out for these signs. They should help you protect yourself better.
Frequently Asked Questions
What happens when you feel jealous?
You may have intrusive violent thoughts and urges when you feel jealous. This is because your mind is flooded with resentment toward that person.
How do you handle a jealous person?
The best way to deal with a jealous person is to ignore them. In time, they will learn to process their feelings and move on. If the person who is jealous of you is someone you hold dear, have an open conversation with them about their feelings toward you. You may find out that they are going through a rough patch in their life and need your support to get through it.
Key Takeaways
- Dealing with an inherently jealous person can be exhausting or emotionally draining.
- Jealous people may try to undermine your success by falsely lauding you, criticizing you, or downplaying your hard work.
- Protect yourself from negative emotions that could arise as a result of jealousy by identifying the signs early on.
Articles on StyleCraze are backed by verified information from peer-reviewed and academic research papers, reputed organizations, research institutions, and medical associations to ensure accuracy and relevance. Read our editorial policy to learn more.
- The Evolutionary Psychology of Envy and Jealousy
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5609545/
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Jealousy. View of psychologists - PSU T.G. Shevchenko
As part of the project “Love, family, children” implemented by the Psychological Service, we offer you to get acquainted with some of the problems that may arise in relations between a man and a woman.
Jealous is a child,
who is afraid of monsters,
created in the darkness of his imagination.
Pierre Boiste (French philosopher)
There are different views on jealousy in relations between a man and a woman.
- Jealousy is an integral part of sexual love, intimate friendship, it speaks of the strength of attraction.
- Jealousy - selfishness in sexual relations.
- Jealousy is an emotion not inherent in love, like a shadow in human relationships.
In psychology, jealousy is seen as a negative feeling arising from self-doubt when feeling a lack of attention, love, respect or sympathy from a very close person, while all this is real or imaginary received by someone else.
This definition is very common and actually illustrates the essence of the problem. Namely, that the feeling of jealousy is fueled by the internal images of a person. Therefore, for a jealous person, proofs and explanations are often not an argument for trust and peace of mind.
An interesting fact is that jealousy has a biological basis and purpose. This feeling is provided by nature to protect the object most suitable for procreation, to preserve one's life and is fueled by testosterone. From this point of view, there is an objective, necessary jealousy. But what to do with pathological jealousy, which does not need real facts? Both the jealous and their entourage suffer from such excruciating jealousy. Particularly jealous people resort to surveillance, violence, scandals, depression, intrusive actions in the form of checking phones, etc. All this has a detrimental and destructive effect on family and love relationships.
Pathological jealousy, one way or another, can be compared with a psychological problem of a certain kind. Therefore, we propose to consider the following types of jealousy:
Paranoid jealousy. People with this type of jealousy, avoiding fantasies about their own desires for infidelity and polygamous relationships, project their needs onto other people, becoming convinced that their partners are dangerously attractive to others. According to the British psychoanalyst Nancy McWilliams, such fears often hide the fear of one's own homosexual fantasies, which are dangerous from the point of view of social punishment. It is in this that the need of a paranoid jealous person is revealed, not to receive punishment himself, to blame a loved one. Jealousy of this type arises as a result of extreme humiliation in the family, as well as due to increased anxiety of the mother, who not only is not able to help the child cope with her relationship, but also transmits to him a basic distrust of the world and himself.
Manifestations. Constant distrust, checks, ideas that they will be thrown and betrayed from the very beginning of the relationship. This is expressed not just in deliberation, but in a sense of fear of losing the relationship. The partner of a paranoid jealous person in the course of the relationship begins to experience anxiety and a sense of insecurity that he did not experience before. With all this, paranoid individuals are capable of deep relationships, love and fidelity, and therefore can become wonderful family men. In order to help your partner cope with your distrust, create a stable, understood and friendly environment in the house and in the relationship. Keep promises, try to tell the truth. He needs to feel that your relationship is honest and safe.
Narcissistic jealousy. People whose personality is organized around the support of self-esteem through confirmation from outside are called narcissists. Jealousy of narcissists is based on a deep unconscious feeling that they are deceived and unloved and fueled by fear of shame. It is formed as a result of excessive expectations on the part of parents, inflated standards that are difficult for a child to meet. It seems to such people that if they are not the best, they will not be loved. Because of this, narcissistic jealousy is highly sensitive to non-verbal emotional messages and messages in the presence of other people. For example, when a partner is too smiling and friendly with others, has many friends. Jealousy manifests violently, emotionally. At the same time, you can hear the phrases “What will others think? They will laugh at me. Did you flirt with him because he makes more money? In order to quench the narcissist's jealousy, praise your partner more, especially in front of others. Try to be more restrained in praising others. And most importantly, the partner must understand that you love him and appreciate him not only for his achievements, but for his individuality and small weaknesses.
Psychopathic jealousy. Psychopathic jealousy is the most violent and takes the most pathological forms and consequences. The main problem is that a person cannot constantly control his impulses and reactions. Therefore, manifestations of jealousy are antisocial in nature. Psychopathic jealousy is built on the inability to human affection and reliance in relationships on primitive territorial psychological mechanisms. Jealous people believe that it is necessary to remind who is the boss in the house, and to show with jealousy that a person is his property. Most often, this type of jealousy is observed in men. The degree of manifestation of jealousy decreases after 30-40 years. Since it is difficult and almost impossible for psychopathic personalities to express their emotions and fears, they demonstrate them through showing their strength, resorting to violence, beatings, screaming. In order to avoid violence due to jealousy, it is necessary to make a person respect himself. Keep your promises and threats, do not throw words into the wind. And in no case do not tolerate pathological manifestations of jealousy, because this will only contribute to their growth.
Masochistic jealousy. People with masochistic jealousy have an unconscious idea that they can only be interested and loved in moments of fear, anxiety and suffering. Such feelings are formed at an early age, if parents pay attention to the child only at the moment when he is very ill (strong tears, a full diaper, pain). Masochists - jealous people fantasize and expect jealousy in order to feel pain and cause a partner to feel guilty, in which he will pay more attention to him. Often masochists introduce loved ones to attractive people and provoke situations in which their jealousy escalates. Even if there is an objective reason for jealousy or betrayal, masochists do not leave their loved ones, receiving painful pleasure from the situation. Manifestations of this type of jealousy are as follows: a sad person reminds that he loves so much, but he doesn’t, and he suffers. To help cope with the manifestations of masochistic jealousy, you can use trusting relationships. Try to pay attention to your partner in ordinary and pleasant situations.
Schizoid or avoidant jealousy. Schizoid jealousy is inherent in people who unconsciously and purposefully form fantasies of jealousy in order to create or maintain an interpersonal distance with a partner. These people are unemotional and therefore, in their jealousy, they do not show excessive anxiety and emotions. You can only notice the sadness that the jealous man does not want to talk about. This is precisely the difficulty in calming jealousy - it is difficult to guess about it. From them you can hear calm phrases like: “You like him, then I won’t interfere”, “I can’t stand your obvious flirting, I need to think in private.” Also, his ideas about jealousy can take a very artsy and creative form. For example, ideas for incredible dates or gifts. If a person becomes jealous, he becomes surprisingly indifferent in sexual relations, spends a lot of time away from home and at work, reading philosophy. The main problem that causes jealousy is the emotional distancing that a person is used to. If you see that the mother of a loved one is very cold and stingy with emotions, you can expect various tricks from him, with the help of which he will try to maintain a safe interpersonal distance with you. Respect for a person's personal boundaries can help deal with this kind of jealousy. If you feel that it is difficult for your partner to open up, give him the opportunity to get used to you gradually. He should have a place in the house that will be only his. Otherwise, sooner or later he will resort to his defense mechanisms of avoiding contact and form the idea of jealousy.
Hysterical jealousy. Tantrums are very emotional, sensitive and demonstrative. They have a developed intuition and are used to being the center of attention of a loved one and not only. Tantrums are used to having fun. Hysterical jealousy always has a vivid emotional character and is often associated with suspicions of betrayal in the form of sex, and not spiritual intimacy. Jealousy often arises if sexual relations cool down and comes with the first manifestations of old age (wrinkles, gray hair). These two indicators form a belief in personal unattractiveness, and as a result, a certain justification is formed, in our case, treason. Jealous people are convinced that the partner has found or is looking for a younger and physically stronger person. The hysteric sharply and violently demonstrates his jealousy, begins to scream for no reason. His mood quickly changes from good to bad, there is no criticism of his actions, he calms down only in case of a scream or aggression from a partner. The actions of a jealous person are unusually theatrical, reminiscent of playing out a tragedy. In order to reduce the level of unreasonable jealousy, it is necessary to kindle a flame in sexual relations, to talk more often about the external attractiveness of a partner.
Obsessive-compulsive jealousy. People prone to this type of jealousy tend to form obsessive thoughts and actions. There are many workaholics and scientists among them. Their jealousy is saturated with rational explanations, facts, and is unemotional. Manifestations of jealousy are systemic, planned. For example, a person checks your phone exactly four times a day or eavesdrops only on evening phone conversations. Jealousy is similar to ritual actions. The reason for jealousy is the anger and fear imposed on the part of the parents, when they showed love only in return for homework done, a poem read or told. Thus, by performing certain actions, the jealous person protects himself from the loss of the object. Let the person perform his rituals, of course, if they are more or less normal. Remember that this is how they think they protect your relationship.
In any case, jealousy, one way or another, may be present in our relationship. It can be useful and warm up a cooled relationship. But it can destroy even the strongest union. “If you want to keep your husband, make him a little jealous of you; if you want to lose him, make him jealous of you a little more” (Henry Louis Mencken). Jealousy can keep you feeling in love. In a stable relationship, eliciting a little bit of jealousy is just as important as it is when a relationship starts. But here it is very important not to go too far. Causing jealousy in a partner, it is important not to forget to give him attention, care, your love. Remember that when playing with jealousy, it is important not to play too much. If there is too much jealousy, it becomes almost impossible to maintain a warm relationship.
Psychologists at the University of Delaware believe that both women and men are subject to blind jealousy. Two professors have found that in a moment of jealousy, people become so drunk on negativity that they are unable to distinguish objects in front of them. Therefore, at the moment when jealousy becomes pathological, that is, it is formed not on objective facts, but on internal deep problems, a similar blindness overcomes a person’s whole life and relationships. And then the most effective way out can be an appeal to an experienced psychologist. But to begin with, discuss with your partner your concerns about your own or his jealousy, clearly and unambiguously formulate your attitude towards him. And most importantly - do not forget to say words of love to each other.
The psychological service of the university is always with you!
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90,000 jealousy and jealousy: Feel the difference - May 12, 2014
Life
May 12, 2014, 14:46
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Most of us know the feeling of jealousy firsthand; and those who are in a happy minority think that they are not jealous at all. People habitually consider jealousy as a manifestation of a sense of ownership. And we decided to figure out what else, besides selfishness and the desire to completely own the thoughts of a beloved, is hidden in jealousy.
Comes from childhood
The feeling of jealousy follows us from childhood. The child feels its first injections, when it seems that the parents love brothers or sisters more. Jealousy can overshadow the joy of friendship if a close friend suddenly begins to actively communicate with another girl; but the beloved teacher has been paying increased attention to his desk mate for many days, not noticing you at all - and a shadow of jealousy is already sitting on the same chair with you.
But the most striking manifestations of jealousy come later - in relations between a man and a woman. It is in these relationships that jealousy either flourishes or slumbers quietly on a short leash.
My friend Olya reads smart books about personal growth and relationships in the subway, she can even go to some necessary training, after which she diligently thinks the right thoughts in all directions. If they relate to relations with her husband, a merry fellow and a favorite of women, then it looks something like this: “I love him, but I don’t get addicted. With love and gratitude, I let him choose whom to love ... ”- something like that. Because advanced people, they say, are not jealous, but allow themselves to be happy, regardless of external reasons. And now it's fashionable to be advanced. Now Olya is indeed free from a sense of ownership, her self-esteem is consistently high, and even a hundred of her husband's admirers will not deprive her of Olympian calmness. This goes on for about two weeks. Then the battery, which is responsible in the body for "enlightenment", needs recharging. And Olya again reads books on psychology or again goes to classes. Or does not go, then gradually becomes an ordinary (not "enlightened") woman. In the end, among ordinary people, too, very often there are absolutely not jealous, exactly until the moment when there is a reason for jealousy.
Just to know that everything is not in vain
Psychologists replace the commonplace “jealous means loves” with “not the one who loves is jealous, but the one who wants to be loved”. And he is afraid that this is not so, we add. Jealousy is defined as a negatively colored feeling that occurs when there is a perceived lack of attention, love, respect or sympathy from a highly valued person, while someone else is imaginary or really receiving from him.
If this causes suffering, then there is too strong an emotional connection with a partner or even dependence. Perhaps you are more fortunate, but personally I have never met a person who loves and at the same time is not involved in such a relationship. After all, love between a man and a woman, as we know, is not unconditional and not selfless in essence. Undoubtedly, it is bright and pure. And for the happiness of a loved one, many are ready to break into a cake. But, firstly, the lover wants the beloved to find this very happiness with him, and secondly, breaking into a cake for his happiness, we dream in return of shared love. Of course, it cannot be argued that a person, knowing that his love is hopeless, does not do good deeds in the name of his beloved. Commits. But he still wants reciprocity. Don't you? Somehow I don't believe it.
And if, God forbid, the object of our dreams suddenly begins to show signs of attention to an extraneous object, joy for its happiness surprisingly quickly gives way to another feeling, about which we only recently thought that this was the lot of unfortunate owners and hysterics. Why does self-sufficient and adequate people have such a destructive feeling as jealousy?
Where does jealousy “for every pillar” come from
Psychologists say that the cause of jealousy lies in low self-esteem, coupled with self-doubt. Well, the roots, of course, grow from childhood. If mom and dad didn’t like the child, they constantly compared it with other children, if both the baby and the teenager always felt that they did not meet parental expectations, the result is obvious. The grown-up child will drag low self-esteem, self-doubt and dependence on the opinions of others into their own adult relationships, along with other complexes. It is likely that in love, he will feel safe only if the partner's constant total attention. According to statistics, it is precisely from such children that jealous people most often grow up, those who are jealous of their other half "to each pillar."
It turns out that if a person is confident in himself, jealousy is unknown to him? Is not a fact. But then what about self-esteem, because according to psychologists, it should be underestimated? We would call such self-esteem rather “unstable”, since it drops sharply if the beloved suddenly gave reason to doubt his feelings, that is, it depends on external reasons, in particular, on the attitude of the object of love.
Jealousy and jealousy: separating the flies from cutlets
When someone else tries to take away the love of a person important to us, which often seems to us our exclusive right, we are overcome by a whole range of conditions: sadness, longing, doubts, resentment, anger , anger ... Often the pangs of jealousy are almost unbearable. The notorious Othello from this generally fell into a state of passion, close to insanity, as a result - a tragic ending. But in similar situations, people behave differently. The feeling of jealousy and its manifestations are far from the same thing. One person may not express his jealousy in any way in communication with a partner (if people do not have tantrums and tedious proceedings, this does not mean that they are never jealous). The other one rolls up scandals, harasses his half with constant reproaches and suspicions, often without any reason.
Jealousy without a reason, as we have already understood, is caused by low self-esteem and self-doubt. A chronic tendency to jealousy is already jealousy, a character trait, if you like. It is even associated with illness. A jealous person does not need a reason, his head is full of pictures of your betrayals, even if you just go to work and back every day. The extreme degree of jealousy is called the delusion of jealousy, which sometimes becomes dangerous not only for the object, but also for others. Jealous with manic persistence winds up non-existent details of the relationship of the suspect with a certain person of a different sex, bullying, showing aggression. If something like this happens regularly in your couple, you need to urgently run to a psychologist, and in some cases to a psychiatrist. Or at least just run. Away.
There is a reason
Most normal people get jealous when they have a reason. In this case, the intensity of their experiences depends on the magnitude of the “sin” of the faithful and all on the same self-esteem, which is inversely proportional to the strength of jealousy. The higher and more stable self-esteem, the less suffering brings the interest of a loved one in people of the opposite sex.
Where mutual respect ends and the restriction of personal freedom begins is an individual question for each couple. For some, light flirting with friends of the husband and girlfriends of the wife is quite acceptable. For others, it is enough to look back at the girl in the mini to get their portion of accusations. Although, in fact, looking at girls in a spring mini is a completely normal male interest, which has nothing to do with the desire to "go to the side." And if you express dissatisfaction about this, then your prince will do it furtively. But it will still be. If this is the reason for frequent conflicts, psychologists advise to talk closely with them, psychologists.
A slightly more significant reason for jealousy can be expressed in flirting or too warm conversation of a partner with another person. This can be perceived as a threat to one's own relationships. The next level of complexity is the constant increased interest of your man in a particular woman. Even worse is the information that he has “someone”. Moreover, if the representative of the stronger sex is most concerned about the presence or absence of a sexual connection between his woman and another man, then women are given great emotional experiences precisely by the emotional connection of her partner with another woman.
According to experts, jealousy in most cases is an exclusive claim to "possession" of another person with whom there is an emotional connection. When this claim is called into question by this person, there is a strong, sometimes irrational fear of losing him. If, under the threat of losing a loved one, a desperate cry breaks out from you: “I can’t live without you!”, psychologists diagnose an extremely high degree of emotional dependence on a partner.
My, you are only mine
This is another dependency. Maybe love is long gone. Just a banal sense of ownership. Indeed, over the years we have lived together, so much effort, emotions and nerves have been invested in order to “make a man out of him”. And then suddenly loomed the risk of losing both him and everything that was invested. "My! I will not give it to anyone!" The desire to take the missus closer to him is strengthened by the fact that he, so familiar and predictable, is still interesting to other females. Here the woman turns on the reaction from the series "you need such a cow yourself." And pressure, claims, control begin. Loosen your grip! Otherwise, it will definitely leave.
Wounded pride
This, perhaps, is not love at all either. But jealousy does not allow you to live in peace, but what is there, it just whips over the edge! Auto-training does not help, and his teeth clench only at one thought that he preferred another. Days and nights pass in search of its shortcomings, its merits and vice versa. Self-esteem suffers irreparable losses, there is anger at him, her, himself and everyone around him. Feverish attempts to prove his worth to him and the rest are replaced by periods of complete apathy.
How to be here? Consciously, confidently and with pleasure, you can confirm your value at least constantly. As long as it doesn't become an end in itself. Then, by the way, you will see how many men on earth who look at you with interest. And some with admiration. Maybe then, well, it's pride, and with it obsolete relationships?
Selfishness, the desire to completely possess another person, a sense of ownership and self-doubt - for some reason, these are the most often mentioned causes of jealousy. In fact, jealousy is a much deeper and more diverse feeling. And there is something else at its core.
Loss of a sense of one's own uniqueness
Love and admiration of another person inspires. And we are transforming. The eyes sparkle, the gait becomes dancing, the Gioconda's half-smile raises questions: "What happened to you?" Your every word, every look arouses his delight, and a feeling of childish omnipotence appears. And imagine, against this background, suddenly - bang-bang! - it turns out that you are not alone flying with a mysterious half-smile, that there are at least two of you. And both are reflected in the same pair of eyes. What do you feel? Joy for a loved one? We humbly take off our hats, for you are truly an enlightened person, the Absolute and Lady Perfection. In that case, you don't need to read any further. If you have not yet reached nirvana, most likely it hurts you. Because it turned out that for him you are ... not unique.
Never lower the wings! Here, most likely, it's not even about you, but about him. If one beautiful fairy is not enough for a man to fly, if several mirrors are needed to reflect himself, so beautiful and inspired, then either not everything is in order with the notorious self-esteem, or in front of you is a typical collector. Not necessarily women. Perhaps he collects feelings, moments of joy, beautiful words and meetings. And he loves you in his own way. But he loves others too. It's so "beautiful" to him. Seeing that you are offended / upset, such a guy will be completely sincerely amazed. A less conceptual collector is popularly called a womanizer. If you are not satisfied with the position of one of the roses in his fragrant flower garden, fly further on your sparkling wings. And myriads of other butterflies will very soon flock to this world.
Loss of a sense of security
And this is perhaps the deepest and most serious component of jealousy when it comes to family. When there are also children in your relationship, a feeling of jealousy is intertwined with a feeling of precariousness with such a labor built world in which you have all lived happily together until now. It's no secret that no one is immune from hobbies. Because “to love” and “to be in love” are not quite the same thing. And sometimes you want to be in love, even for such morally stable people as you and I. But in the case of our own hobbies, it is we who control the situation. And most often we know for sure the line beyond which it is impossible to go, so as not to destroy what is available. If the spouse is carried away, we lose control over what is happening.
When a woman learns about her husband's infatuation, in addition to pain and wounded pride, she feels that the ground is slipping from under her feet, it is impossible to eat or sleep: the mother and wife feel a threat to the safety of the family. “How and where to live in case of divorce? For what funds? What to say to children? How to raise them, educate them, how to feed them? - A lot of questions are unanswered. After all, who knows how a man will behave in this situation?
It is especially scary when a really happy marriage collapses, where the husband and wife live in harmony and mutual understanding, being truly the closest people to each other. “Harmony in marriage plus passion on the side? It doesn't happen like that!" you say. Happens. But what if a man is not just carried away, but fell in love, seriously and for a long time? Will he have enough strength and wisdom, and his other beloved decency or sacrifice, so as not to destroy a good family? After all, the likelihood that another family will be just as successful, frankly, is low. For not every passionate love develops into deep love and affection.
As for relationships in which everything has been bad for a long time, and the spouses are connected only by a common life and care for children, psychologists say that sometimes it is better to stop them.
What to do?
There are two points here: what to do with relationships and what to do with yourself, your beloved, so as not to go crazy?
Claims, suspicions and tracking the movements of a lover on the Web and in reality will definitely cause his irritation. And if before he seriously did not think of cheating on you, now, on reflection, he may change his mind: who wants to be guilty without guilt? Is your darling obligated to be faithful to you to the grave? He will only do it if he wants to. So it is wiser to support this desire in him. How? Just remember yourself and your behavior at the candy-bouquet stage. In order not to lose, you must let go. Not him, if you need him so much, but let go of the reins. Although his too. Conditionally. Few seek to escape unless they are being held. In many cases, a woman who easily releases a man on all four sides causes a surge of interest in him: “I don’t understand ... Has she stopped loving me?” Perhaps, out of surprise, he will even forget to think about his hobby (if there is one at all).
Well, if he did decide to part with you, most likely it would have happened anyway, sooner or later. Having lost this man, you will at least retain your self-esteem and his respect. The consolation is rather weak, but, you see, it is better than nothing.
What to do with the pangs of jealousy? Relationship specialists have developed whole methods to get rid of them. Summarizing the advice of psychologists, let's say that the most important thing is to take care of yourself. New hobbies, hobbies, interesting work, an “upgrade” of appearance, shopping with girlfriends, trips and hikes - any tool that uplifts mood, self-esteem and distracts from painful thoughts will do. And you just need to learn to love yourself. Without this, it is difficult to accept love from others. Unaccustomed to this, this can be difficult. Praise yourself with or without reason, admire, compliment yourself, make small gifts. You are alone. And you live with yourself until the end of days. Be loved first of all by yourself, the rest will follow. And do not forget to correct the crown, ko-ro-well on a proudly raised head!
A bit of sun in cold water
Controlled jealousy has its positive side. If there is a little bit of jealousy, it adds a spark to the almost extinguished fire of your former passion. The attention of girls to your chosen one increases his value in your eyes. Yes, and a woman, feeling competition, keeps herself in good shape. In turn, the attention of other men adds sparkle to your eyes. As they say, men without female attention grow stupid, and women without male attention grow dull. The main thing is to observe the dosage.
I like the comparison of jealousy with salt in food: if it is too little, it improves the taste, if it is too much, the dish becomes inedible. And the relationship is unbearable.
Marina Klochkova, for Fontanka.ru
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