How to develop positive self esteem

Raising low self-esteem - NHS

We all have times when we lack confidence and do not feel good about ourselves.

But when low self-esteem becomes a long-term problem, it can have a harmful effect on our mental health and our day-to-day lives.

What is self-esteem?

Self-esteem is the opinion we have of ourselves.

When we have healthy self-esteem, we tend to feel positive about ourselves and about life in general. It makes us better able to deal with life's ups and downs.

When our self-esteem is low, we tend to see ourselves and our life in a more negative and critical light. We also feel less able to take on the challenges that life throws at us.

What causes low self-esteem?

Low self-esteem often begins in childhood. Our teachers, friends, siblings, parents, and even the media send us positive and negative messages about ourselves.

For some reason, the message that you are not good enough is the one that stays with you.

Perhaps you found it difficult to live up to other people's expectations of you, or to your own expectations.

Stress and difficult life events, such as serious illness or a bereavement, can have a negative effect on self-esteem.

Personality can also play a part. Some people are just more prone to negative thinking, while others set impossibly high standards for themselves.

How does low self-esteem affect us?

If you have low self-esteem or confidence, you may hide yourself away from social situations, stop trying new things, and avoid things you find challenging.

In the short term, avoiding challenging and difficult situations might make you feel safe.

In the longer term, this can backfire because it reinforces your underlying doubts and fears. It teaches you the unhelpful rule that the only way to cope is by avoiding things.

Living with low self-esteem can harm your mental health and lead to problems such as depression and anxiety.

You may also develop unhelpful habits, such as smoking and drinking too much, as a way of coping.

How to have healthy self-esteem

To boost your self-esteem, you need to identify the negative beliefs you have about yourself, then challenge them.

You may tell yourself you're "too stupid" to apply for a new job, for example, or that "nobody cares" about you.

Start to note these negative thoughts and write them on a piece of paper or in a diary. Ask yourself when you first started to think these thoughts.

Next, start to write some evidence that challenges these negative beliefs, such as, "I'm really good at cryptic crosswords" or "My sister calls for a chat every week".

Write down other positive things about yourself, such as "I'm thoughtful" or "I'm a great cook" or "I'm someone that others trust".

Also write some good things that other people say about you.

Aim to have at least 5 positive things on your list and add to it regularly. Then put your list somewhere you can see it. That way, you can keep reminding yourself that you're OK.

You might have low confidence now because of what happened when you were growing up, but we can grow and develop new ways of seeing ourselves at any age.

Other ways to improve low self-esteem

Here are some other simple techniques that may help you feel better about yourself.

Recognise what you're good at

We're all good at something, whether it's cooking, singing, doing puzzles or being a friend. We also tend to enjoy doing the things we're good at, which can help boost your mood.

Build positive relationships

If you find certain people tend to bring you down, try to spend less time with them, or tell them how you feel about their words or actions.

Try to build relationships with people who are positive and who appreciate you.

Be kind to yourself

Being kind to yourself means being gentle to yourself at times when you feel like being self-critical.

Think what you'd say to a friend in a similar situation. We often give far better advice to others than we do to ourselves.

Learn to be assertive

Being assertive is about respecting other people's opinions and needs, and expecting the same from them.

One trick is to look at other people who act assertively and copy what they do.

It's not about pretending you're someone you're not. It's picking up hints and tips from people you admire and letting the real you come out.

Start saying "no"

People with low self-esteem often feel they have to say yes to other people, even when they do not really want to.

The risk is that you become overburdened, resentful, angry and depressed.

For the most part, saying no does not upset relationships. It can be helpful to keep saying no, but in different ways, until they get the message.

Give yourself a challenge

We all feel nervous or afraid to do things at times. But people with healthy self-esteem do not let these feelings stop them trying new things or taking on challenges.

Set yourself a goal, such as joining an exercise class or going to a social occasion. Achieving your goals will help to increase your self-esteem.

Where to find help for low self-esteem

Talking therapies like counselling or cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can help.

You can refer yourself for talking therapies on the NHS.

If you prefer, you can talk to a GP first and they can refer you.

You could also find a private therapist. Make sure they're registered with a professional body.

Audio: Unhelpful thinking

In this audio guide, a doctor helps you to replace negative thoughts with more positive thinking.

Media last reviewed: 2 March 2021
Media review due: 2 March 2024

Visit healthtalk. org to hear young people talking about their experiences of low self-esteem.

Video: Talking therapies for stress, anxiety and depression

Animated video explaining self-referral to talking therapies services for stress, anxiety or depression.

Media last reviewed: 14 March 2022
Media review due: 14 March 2025

Improving Self-Esteem | Skills You Need

Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself, or the opinion you have about yourself. Everyone has times when they feel a bit low or find it hard to believe in themselves. However, if this becomes a long-term situation, this can lead to problems, including mental health issues such as depression or anxiety. Some of the symptoms of low self-esteem can also be a sign of these problems.

Self-esteem is often the result of a lifetime of experiences, and particularly what happened to us as children. However, it is possible to improve your self-esteem at any age. This page provides more information about self-esteem, and some actions that you can take to improve it.

Understanding Self-Esteem

Some people think of self-esteem as their inner voice (or self-dialogue) – the voice that tells you whether you are good enough to do or achieve something.

Self-esteem is actually about how we value ourselves, and our perceptions about who we are and what we are capable of.

Self-esteem is not about ability

Self-esteem is often not associated with either your own ability, or other people’s perceptions of you.

It is quite possible for someone who is good at something to have poor self-esteem. Conversely, someone who struggles with a particular task might generally have good self-esteem.

People with good self-esteem generally feel positive about themselves, and about life. This makes them much more resilient, and better able to cope with life’s ups and downs.
Those with poor self-esteem, however, are often much more critical of themselves. They find it harder to bounce back from challenges and setbacks. This may lead them to avoid difficult situations. That can, however, actually decrease their self-esteem still further, because they feel even worse about themselves as a result.

A lack of self-esteem can therefore influence how people behave, not to mention what they achieve in their lives.

You may find it interesting to read our page The Importance of Mindset for more about how attitude influences behaviour.

Why Do People Experience Low Self-Esteem?

There are many reasons why someone might have low self-esteem. However, it often starts in childhood, perhaps with a feeling that you were unable to live up to expectations. It can also be the result of adult experiences such as a difficult relationship, either personal or at work.

Self-esteem, domestic violence and abuse

The victims of domestic violence and abuse often have low self-esteem.

This may be because their abuser has spent time belittling them and making them feel bad about themselves, reducing their self-esteem. However, it may also be that their low self-esteem made them more vulnerable to being abused because they did not feel that they were valuable.

Nobody should have to suffer from abuse or violence.

If you, or anyone you know, is in this situation, you should seek help.

In the UK, sources of help include Childline, telephone 0800 1111, the NSPCC , and the National Domestic Violence Helpline, 0808 2000 247.
In the US, Government advice is that you can call the Domestic Violence Hotline on 800-799-SAFE (7233).

Stressful life events, such as a divorce or bereavement, can also have negative effects on your self-esteem.

Improving Your Self-Esteem

There are a number of ways in which you can improve your self-esteem.

1. Identify and Challenge Your Negative Beliefs

The first step is to identify, and then challenge, your negative beliefs about yourself.

Notice your thoughts about yourself. For example, you might find yourself thinking ‘I’m not clever enough to do that’ or ‘I have no friends’. When you do, look for evidence that contradicts those statements. Write down both statement and evidence, and keep looking back at it to remind yourself that your negative beliefs about yourself are not true.

2. Identify the Positive About Yourself

It is also a good idea to write down positive things about yourself, such as being good at a sport, or nice things that people have said about you. When you start to feel low, look back at these things, and remind yourself that there is plenty of good about you.

In general, positive internal dialogue is a big part of improving your self-esteem.

If you catch yourself saying things like ‘I’m not good enough’ or ‘I’m a failure’, you can start to turn things around by saying ‘I can beat this’ and ‘I can become more confident by viewing myself in a more positive way’.

To begin with you will catch yourself falling back into old negative habits, but with regular effort you can start to feel more positive and build your self-esteem as well.

3. Build Positive Relationships—and Avoid Negative Ones

You will probably find that there are certain people—and certain relationships—that make you feel better than others.

If there are people who make you feel bad about yourself, try to avoid them.

Build relationships with people who make you feel good about yourself and avoid the relationships that drag you down.

4. Give Yourself a Break

You don’t have to be perfect every hour of every day. You don’t even have to feel good about yourself all the time.

Self-esteem varies from situation to situation, from day to day and hour to hour. Some people feel relaxed and positive with friends and colleagues, but uneasy and shy with strangers. Others may feel totally in command of themselves at work but struggle socially (or vice versa).

Give yourself a break. We all have times when we feel a bit down or find it harder to maintain our self-belief.

The key is not to be too hard on yourself. Be kind to yourself, and not too critical.

Avoid criticising yourself to others, because this can reinforce your negative views—and also give other people a (possibly false) negative opinion of you.

You can help to boost your self-esteem by giving yourself a treat whenever you succeed in doing something hard, or just for managing a particularly bad day.

5. Become More Assertive and Learn to Say No

People with low self-esteem often find it hard to stand up for themselves or say no to others.

This means that they may become over-burdened at home or at work, because they do not like to refuse anyone anything. However, this can increase stress, and make it even harder to manage.

Developing your assertiveness can therefore help to improve your self-esteem. Sometimes acting as if you believed in yourself can actually help to increase self-belief!

Our pages on Assertiveness provide more information about this, including how to improve your assertiveness.

6. Improve Your Physical Health

It is much easier to feel good about ourselves when we are fit and healthy.

However, people with low self-esteem often neglect themselves, because they do not feel that they ‘deserve’ to be looked after.

Try taking more exercise, eating well, and getting enough sleep. It is also a good idea to make time to relax and to do something that you want to do, rather than something that someone else expects you to do. You may find that simple changes like this can make a huge difference to your overall outlook.

You may like to read our pages on The Importance of Exercise, Diet, Health and Nutrition, What is Sleep? and The Importance of Sleep for more information. You might also like our page on Relaxation Techniques.

7. Take On Challenges

People with low self-esteem often avoid challenging and difficult situations.

One way to improve your self-esteem can actually be to take on a challenge. This doesn’t mean that you need to do everything yourself—part of the challenge might be to seek help when you need it—but be prepared to try something that you know will be difficult to achieve.

By succeeding, you show yourself that you can achieve.

This challenges your negative beliefs and will therefore improve your self-esteem.

The Importance of Small Steps

It is very unlikely that you will go from poor to good self-esteem overnight.

Instead, you will probably find you make small improvements over a period of time. The key is to look over the long term, rather than day-to-day, and focus on the big picture, not the detail of how you felt at a particular moment yesterday.

When you feel good, or you do something good, celebrate it—but don’t beat yourself up if you occasionally slip back into negative patterns of thinking. Just pick yourself up again and try to think more positively. Eventually, this will become a habit and you will find that your self-esteem has quietly got better.

7 exercises that will help increase self-esteem

December 12, 2020 Motivation

People who do not love themselves find it more difficult to achieve goals and cope with difficulties. Simple actions will help correct the situation.

“No one will ever love me”, “I am too stupid to understand this topic”, “I am not strong enough to achieve this goal”. If you periodically say these or similar phrases to yourself, then you most likely have low self-esteem. And this certainly prevents you from achieving success and living a full life.

You can not only read this article, but also listen to it. If it's more convenient for you, turn on the podcast.

You can increase your self-esteem with the help of seven simple exercises.

1. Refusal of negative thinking

We often engage in negative internal dialogue without noticing it ourselves: “I won’t succeed”, “I’m too lazy to achieve anything”, “I’m too ugly for anyone then like it." All these thoughts strongly influence our attitude towards ourselves.

The exercise is to write down any negative thoughts you have about yourself. At the end of the day, reread them and turn each one into a positive thesis.

Instead of "I won't succeed" - "I can do a lot, I can learn this as well." Instead of "I'm too lazy" - "I have achieved what I have, and this is already a lot." Instead of "I'm ugly" - "I like a lot of people."

Repeat these phrases every day for a week. Soon they will begin to appear in your head by themselves.

2. Cultivating a good relationship with yourself

Reread the negative thoughts you wrote down during the previous exercise. Imagine that all these things about yourself are said by a close person - a best friend or family member.

Think about what you would say and write these words down. Say that you see good in this person, what qualities of him cause you respect. Say you love this person.

Showing love towards others is often much easier than towards oneself. When you "appropriate" your thoughts to loved ones, it becomes easier for you to see the big picture and understand that saying such things to yourself is ugly, rude, and generally wrong.

3. Releasing Guilt and Fear

For a few days, write down all the fears and sources of guilt that haunt you. Then highlight the ones that recur most often. Maybe you feel guilty because you miss going to the gym, or because you keep forgetting to call your relatives. Or you are afraid that you will not be able to achieve some goal.

Choose one of the selected items and write a permission for yourself. For example: “I have the right to skip a workout,” “I have the right to be forgetful,” or “I have the right to fail.”

Place this resolution where you will see it often: on your monitor, refrigerator, or next to your bed. The next time you feel fear or guilt, take a look at the note and you'll feel better.

4. Acceptance of one's characteristics

Almost every person has traits that he does not like. You know perfectly well what does not suit you in yourself, whether it is short stature, overweight or baldness.

Make a list of these qualities and write a thank you note for each of them. For example: “Thanks to my bald head for helping me to use less shampoo”, “Thanks to my height for being able to comfortably fit in any car”, or “Thanks to my stomach for carrying my child.”

You may not like some of your features, but they make you who you are. You can change your attitude towards them. And loving yourself is much more useful and pleasant than being forever dissatisfied with yourself.

5. Studying one's history

It is in our nature to compare ourselves with others. Social media has made this task easy: people post the best of their lives there, and it can often feel like your reality is much more boring.

To get rid of this feeling, it is useful to write your own story. This can be done on paper or digitally. Starting from the day you were born, remember and write down the important moments in your life. Those that are dear to you personally, and not those that would impress other people.

Maybe the first slow dance was a real event for you, or you remember your acquaintance with the work of your favorite writer. Throw in difficult decisions, too—these are important milestones. For example, leaving an unloved job or moving.

Refer to this chronology every time you feel like nothing interesting is happening in your life. You will see that you have been through a lot, and this will increase your self-esteem.

6. Examining your skill map

This exercise will allow you to get to know yourself better and understand what strengths you already have and which you need to develop in order to achieve your goals.

Make a list of your fundamental attitudes, beliefs, and traits. Then - a list of skills and strengths that you have developed throughout your life. Separately list your goals and dreams.

Then start building these points into a tree. You can simply draw it on paper, make an application or use a computer. The items on the first list (fundamental beliefs and attitudes) will be the roots and trunk. The second (qualities and skills) - branches. And goals and dreams are leaves.

7. Creating an Intention for the Day

Once you have an idea of what habits and attitudes you would like to acquire or change, it is helpful to create intentions for the day. To do this, it is enough in the morning to choose an aspiration that will bring you closer to the desired result. For example: "Love yourself even if I'm lazy", "Be more patient with yourself and others", "Don't be afraid of change" and so on.

Once you have chosen an intention, write it down somewhere and reread it throughout the day. Over time, you will cultivate the desired qualities in yourself.

10 Steps to Healthy Self-Esteem

Confidence is a vital personality trait. What does it give a person? First, the feeling of happiness. Those who have low self-esteem are prone to constant self-criticism, doubts about their actions. It is not surprising that in such cases life flies by, there is no need to talk about happiness and success. A self-confident person positively assesses his skills and abilities, which means that it is easier to achieve his goals.

In this article we will talk about what causes self-doubt and analyze effective methods to increase self-esteem. First, let's talk about the concept of "self-esteem" and its functions.

What is self-assessment?

Self-esteem is a person's understanding of himself, his qualities, feelings, positive and negative sides. This is an awareness of the importance of one's personality and one's actions in society.

Self-assessment performs the following functions:

Regulatory - allows the individual to make their own decisions.
Developing — encourages a person to develop.
Protective - provides stability and independence of a person.
Emotional - helps to feel satisfaction with one's qualities and other characteristics.
Signal - shows a person's true attitude towards himself.
Adaptation - helps to adapt to the environment.
Prognostic — controls the activity at the start of the task.
Corrective — allows you to control the process of the task.
Retrospective - makes it possible to evaluate your activities, behavior in the final task.
Motivating - encourages to act in such a way as to receive praise.
Terminal - forces you to stop any actions if self-criticism and dissatisfaction with yourself appear in the process of their implementation.

In fact, self-esteem is a person's opinion about himself, which can be influenced by others: family, friends, work colleagues.

It is important to distinguish adequate self-esteem from self-confidence. Self-confidence is an overestimation of one's importance to others, arrogance. Adequate self-esteem is the correct balance of one's own strengths and goals, the most accurate assessment of a person's skills and qualities.

Low self-esteem is manifested in excessive self-criticism, self-doubt, shyness. It is difficult for such people to communicate, they are often prone to depression.

A correct perception of oneself is a sound assessment of one's strengths and weaknesses, a competent presentation of oneself to society and, of course, self-love. A confident person focuses their attention on successes and conducts a constructive analysis of their mistakes without too much introspection and criticism.

An important point: if a person wants to be loved, he must first love himself. According to psychologists, people are drawn to successful and self-confident individuals.

Let's look at the typical signs of low self-esteem in the next section.

Signs of low self-esteem

What betrays a person with low self-esteem? There are some classic symptoms of self-doubt :

Constant anxiety and fear of making a mistake, because of which all important things are postponed "until better times."
Excessive criticism of oneself, comparison of oneself with others.
Reliability. Behind this lies the desire to please and please others.
Envy towards other people.
Painful perception of the assessment of others.
Pessimism, negative outlook on life.
Jealousy.
Self pity, positioning oneself as a victim.
The presence of problems in communication, fear of new acquaintances.
Stiff movement, stoop, hesitant speech, etc.

A person with low self-esteem takes all the failures in life for granted, which forms the wrong behavior. In this case, others also begin to evaluate him negatively, which can lead to depression.

It is important to understand that there are certain reasons behind this perception of oneself. Let's take a look at them in more detail.

Causes of low self-esteem

According to psychologists, several factors can influence a person's self-esteem: relationships with parents in childhood, assessment of others, obsession with a particular failure, appearance. Let's look at typical reasons.

Originally from childhood

Parents often surround their child with overprotectiveness, fearing that the child will take a wrong step, fall, or hurt himself. Such influence forms a feeling of helplessness and ineptitude in the child, makes him completely dependent on mom and dad. The result of such upbringing is that in adult life it is difficult for a person to make a decision and do something on his own.

The child also takes an example from his parents: if he sees that mom or dad is insecure, he will reproduce such behavior in the future. For example, mom allows insults in her direction from her father, or dad does not stand up for mom in controversial or dangerous situations, because. unsure of their abilities.

Another reason that comes from childhood is the lack of love of parents for the child and the constant comparison with someone not in favor of the baby. This is the opposite of overprotection. The child is not noticed, not given due attention, or, even worse, offended and physically abused. As a result, the child loses faith in his own strengths and abilities. Such situations make the child a "difficult" undergrowth in the future.

Negative experience

In life, each of us has moments when we fail in business. It could be a failed relationship, a betrayal by a friend, or a fiasco at work. And here an adequate assessment of the situation is important, and not excessive self-criticism. Often a person gets hung up on bad experiences and begins to avoid making decisions.

By the way, failures in childhood can cause serious psychological trauma to the child, which affects self-esteem in the future.

The influence of others

Society plays an important role in the formation of self-esteem. Where the manifestation of initiative and independence is not valued, confidence in the individual will not be formed.

Excessive criticism of other people has a special effect. If a person is initially weak-willed, then criticism has a detrimental effect on him: hands drop, isolation appears, there is no desire to do anything. Often, weak-willed people deliberately begin to criticize themselves in public. Their goal is to get a refutation of their words and increase their own significance. In this case, it is important not to support the opinion of such a person, but to cheer him up.

Communication with manipulators also contributes to a decrease in self-esteem. It is important for them to impose their opinion, to gain power over a person through instilling a sense of self-doubt in their victim and exalting their significance.

External data

Dissatisfaction with one's appearance or the presence of visible pathologies are often the causes of peer ridicule and unhealthy criticism from others in adulthood. For example, if a woman is ashamed of her overweight, then any statements on this subject from the outside will be perceived especially sharply and can even lead to depression, when criticism for a self-confident woman is a reason to become even better at something.

This is the case when again it is worth recalling a simple truth: love yourself, and others will love you.

Whatever the cause of your low self-esteem, there are excellent methods by which you can regain your self-confidence. Let's talk about the most effective of them.

Effective Methods for Improving Self-Esteem

The most important step towards self-improvement is to recognize that there is a problem. Often a person disguises it behind other feelings and deliberately avoids resolving the issue. As soon as awareness comes, you can safely move on to the following methods increase self-confidence:

Keep a diary of achievements. This step does not require any significant cost or time. It's simple: at the end of each day, set aside 10-15 minutes to write down your small and big victories that happened to you today. Maybe you read a book or finally got up an hour earlier than usual? You can always find a reason to praise. This will help you develop positive thinking on a daily basis and focus your eyes on personal success. It is important to review your notes daily.
Change environment. Rate those with whom you communicate most often. If there are negative people in your circle, refuse to interact with them. More often you are in a society of positive and successful people who are self-confident and have a positive attitude towards you.
Go in for sports. The best way to get distracted, to clear thoughts of negativity is physical exercise. In addition, if low self-esteem is associated with external data, sports will help you get in shape. By the way, during sports, our body produces the hormone of happiness - dopamine.
Give up self-criticism and introspection. It will not be possible to increase self-esteem if you constantly scold yourself for something or express dissatisfaction with your appearance and abilities all the time. Praise yourself more often and think positive.
Avoid comparisons. Each of you is a unique individual with your own individual set of qualities, strengths and weaknesses. Remember that there will always be those who have achieved greater results than you. In this case, it is worth taking an example from them, and not engaging in self-flagellation. Better yet, compare yourself today with yourself yesterday, and track your growth by recording achievements in the diary we talked about above.
Listen and say affirmations. Affirmation is a positive statement that creates the right mental attitude. These are our statements and beliefs, thoughts, feelings and desires that we want to have right now. It is important to formulate affirmations in the present tense. For example: “I have a prestigious and highly paid job”, “I am beautiful and healthy”, “I am a happy person”.
Get out of your comfort zone. Yes, many people hear about this method, but not everyone decides to do it, because it is so comfortable and safe to be in your “shell”. Face your problem. Do you feel insecure when you are in a new company? Visit crowded places, events more often and be the first to start a conversation. Our Best Communication Techniques online program will be a great help for you, where you will learn how to interact more effectively with people through interesting communication techniques. One has only to take a step, and you will understand that everything is not as scary as it seemed at first glance.
Attend trainings. There are many different training activities aimed at increasing self-esteem, gaining self-confidence, that it remains only to choose the right one for you. If you are not yet ready to take the training, watch a movie or read a book on a current topic.
Forgive yourself. Uncertainty is often the result of feelings of guilt towards oneself. None of us is immune from mistakes, and here it is important to be able to forgive yourself for them. Write yourself a note and tell in it about your feelings, emotions, thoughts, problems, failures, and be sure to forgive yourself in writing for everything that you feel guilty about.
Meditate. Meditation helps to completely relax physically and let go of thoughts. There are many different techniques aimed at getting rid of resentment towards oneself and achieving peace.

Self-confidence is not an innate quality, but is formed in the process of life. Your main task on the way to healthy self-esteem is to love yourself, learn to believe in your own strengths, which is possible only through daily work on yourself and your thoughts.

Learn more