Recovery from abusive relationship

How to Heal After an Abusive Relationship: 7 Tips

Recovering from an abusive relationship is possible. Here are helpful steps on how to heal and prioritize your well-being in the process.

If you’ve recently left an abusive relationship, you’ve already taken one of the most important steps of the process — leaving.

Learning how to heal and take care of yourself after the breakup can help you navigate what comes next.

There are many types of abusive situations and relationships:

emotional
physical
verbal
sexual
spiritual
financial (e.g. limiting access to funds, controlling shared finances)
reproductive coercion (e.g. breaking condoms, interfering with birth control access)

digital (e.g. stalking, demanding passwords or access to your phone)

A range of intense emotions may pop up when recovering from an abusive relationship — all of which are valid.

Depending on the situation, you may experience some of the following thoughts or feelings:

missing your ex
feeling lonely or isolated
debating going back to the relationship
feeling uncertain or unable to make decisions by yourself
feelings of anxiety or depression
finding it difficult to feel independent
a lingering fear or sense of being in danger
symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

You may have positive feelings, too. “Sometimes a survivor can feel a sense of freedom, as if a weight has been lifted off of their shoulders,” says Melody Gross, domestic violence keynote speaker and founder of Courageous SHIFT.

“Some days, you might feel strong, happy, and confident in your decision. Other days you may be overwhelmed by sadness and anxiety and question everything,” adds Ebele Onyema, director of programs at One Love. “All of these feelings, from feeling free and empowered to feeling lonely and missing your ex, are completely normal.”

“When someone leaves an abusive relationship, healing isn’t necessarily the first thing that comes to mind. Survival does,” says Gross.

There’s no set time frame to healing, as each survivor’s experience is different.

“But what is there is possibility — the possibility to get to a place where you know, understand, and can respond appropriately to your triggers,” she adds.

The healing process isn’t linear, but there are ways to find relief and support along the way.

Create a safety plan (if you haven’t already)

Safety planning can give you a sense of control and protection, Gross explains: “You can add responses for different circumstances, such as seeing [your ex] in public or if they contact you on social media.”

“Make your safety and security the top priority post-breakup, so you can focus on yourself and your healing journey,” says Onyema.

Set boundaries

According to Onyema, setting boundaries after the relationship is just as important as during it.

“Make sure you and your ex are on the same page in terms of communication and behavior,” she says. “And, if you [aren’t] — and you very well may not be — remember that your needs and boundaries matter. Be clear in expressing them and confident that you have every right to need the time and space that you need.”

Also consider setting digital boundaries, like blocking your ex or taking a social media break.

“Knowing that your partner doesn’t have access to you on social media can provide the distance you might need to move through healing at your own pace,” she adds.

Prioritize self-care and self-love

“Self-care and self-love is vital because without them, survivors can find themselves in another abusive relationship,” says Gross.

Honor your thoughts and feelings as they come up. She suggests journaling as a great way to process your emotions. It can serve as a personal safe space and way to reflect on your growth as time passes.

Onyema also recommends picking up old hobbies and doing things you used to love.

“Use your newfound time to focus on things that build your confidence and help you regain emotional balance. You deserve it,” she says.

Repeat healing affirmations

Gross says to keep reminding yourself that the abuse was never your fault: “If you have to set an alarm on your phone or write it on a Post-It note, do it.”

“It can be hard not to look back on your past relationship with rose-colored glasses, or you may feel like you miss your ex-partner, but keep in mind that you’re strong, and you’ll get through it,” adds Onyema. “Remember that everyone — including you — deserves a healthy relationship where they feel loved, respected, and valued.”

Educate yourself about abuse

No matter where you are in your journey, learning about abuse can prevent you from entering similar situations in the future.

Gross recommends learning about:

signs of abuse
why people fall in love with abusive partners
reasons people stay in ‘unhealthy’ relationships
potential barriers to leaving
how abuse shows up in different areas of life

“When everyone has a better understanding and knowledge of how intimate partner violence works, then we can remove the stigma and get the support and services needed for survivors and perpetrators,” she says.

Build a strong support system

You don’t have to do this alone. Receiving support can help you feel stronger and more connected during the healing process.

“A great support system can include family, friends, a therapist, coach, personal trainer, [and] support group,” says Gross.

Oftentimes, Onyema says someone in an abusive relationship can be isolated from friends and family. “It’s good to reconnect with them. [They] can emotionally support you, build up your sense of self, and offer a counter to some of the doubts or negative thoughts we can have about ourselves after a breakup.”

Ask for help

Consider seeing a therapist or mental health professional. Therapy can teach you helpful skills for coping after an abusive relationship and offer further support during the recovery process.

Other support resources are available, including:

domestic violence hotlines
organizations like One Love
events and programs for survivors
connecting with other survivors through support groups

“Don’t let shame or embarrassment stop you from getting your needs met,” reminds Gross, who suggests tapping into every resource you can.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), intimate partner violence affects millions of people in the United States each year. If you’ve recently been in an abusive relationship, you’re not alone and it’s not your fault.

There’s no solid answer as to how long it takes to heal after any type of abusive relationship. But creating a safety plan, practicing self-love, seeing a therapist, setting boundaries, joining support groups, and seeking additional resources can bring you relief.

“Breakups aren’t easy. Be patient and kind to yourself, as there’s no ‘right way’ to heal,” Onyema says. Healing is possible, though, and you will feel stronger in time.

You’re a survivor, and help is readily available whenever you want or need it.

“You made the first brave step — you decided to leave,” she reminds. “And as you continue to center yourself, you’re healing in big and small ways every step of the way.”

How To Heal After An Abusive Relationship

If you want the confidence to live an independent life that is free from fear, it’s important that you complete a successful healing process after leaving an abusive relationship to repair the damage that’s been done to your sense of self-worth.

Being physically free from your abuser is just the first step. It can take much longer to feel emotionally free. But with the right support, you can do it.

The damage caused by domestic abuse can be deeply damaging and long-lasting. In fact, people who have escaped from abusive relationships often display similar symptoms to those of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) sufferers.

Upsetting memories, flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety and depression can all continue to impact your quality of life long after the actual threat of abuse has gone.

Acknowledging the damage caused

It’s really important that you acknowledge the damage that’s been done so you can access the right support to heal. Don’t be afraid to admit the extent of the harm.

Your abuser might have convinced you that it was all in your head or that you were just as much to blame, but it wasn’t. You didn’t cause this. The only person responsible for abuse is the perpetrator. You didn’t go crazy. We believe you.

Acknowledgement includes your children too. Even if they weren’t subjected to the abuse themselves, there will be a healing process required in order to move on from domestic abuse.

Our recovery programmes help adults, children and young people as well as those who harm. Together we can help your whole family heal.

Moving on

Without an effective healing process, you could find it hard to move on. You might have been with your abuser for your entire adult life. What now? It can be terrifying when that constant is removed – even if you now know you deserve better.

Effective healing will give you the confidence to believe in yourself – the confidence to live an independent life. With the right support, you’ll no longer feel lost and overwhelmed. You’ll feel liberated and proud and happy.

Effective healing will also help you to develop confidence in your own instincts, so you’re better equipped to spot the early warning signs in any future relationships. Try to work on your healing before starting a new relationship, so you’re ready to walk away if your spidey senses tell you to.

Remember, you deserve a loving, safe and respectful relationship. You deserve a partner who cherishes and appreciates you and whose actions reflect that. Don’t settle for anything less.

Being kind to yourself

Abuse is always the fault of the perpetrator, but we know that sadly many of the people we support blame themselves at some point – either for the abuse itself happening, or for not getting away sooner, or by shouldering some of the responsibility for the impact on the children. It was not your fault.

Part of the healing process after leaving an abusive relationship involves being kind to yourself. Accept that you weren’t to blame. Accept that doing things differently wouldn’t have stopped the abuse.

Abuse is about power and coercion, so if even if you’d been more loving… stayed quiet instead of shouting back… done as you were told… none of it would have made any difference to the person who wanted to control you. You are here now because you are courageous and determined – and because you know you’re worth more.

Take a look at our recovery programmes and personal development page for more about how we can help you heal. Or contact us now if you need someone to talk to.

"There is a meaning" - publishing house of books on social topics

What the book is about

Emotional abuse is much harder to recognize than physical abuse. Those who are exposed to it often doubt whether they are making up or exaggerating their problems. Perhaps you notice alarming bells in a relationship with a partner, but write them off as your own suspiciousness. Or in conversations with a friend you feel a desire to defend yourself, and after such meetings you are devastated and exhausted. Or from the voice of the boss, you want to squeeze into the wall and become invisible. But you continue to believe that you yourself are to blame, or you simply do not have the strength to end such a relationship.

In fact, emotional abuse is a serious problem. This is systematic bullying, which can manifest itself in the form of "playful" banter, sarcasm or devaluing jokes, verbal aggression, threats and manipulation, punishments with neglect. The behavior of the aggressor allows him to infringe, suppress and control the victim. But it is possible to recover from abuse. The goal of the third book in our Doing It Possible series of workshops is to help you recognize, understand, and overcome emotional abuse.

Workshop author Teresa Comito has been helping her clients get out of abusive relationships for 20 years. In this book, she gives scenarios and stories of real patients who wished to share their own experiences, and specific practices. By completing the tasks, you will begin to trace the patterns and dynamics of your relationship, you will be able to identify your strengths and strengthen your self-esteem, you will discover your ability to resist attacks and recover from them. You will learn strategies for coping with everyday challenges and gain a sense of inner well-being that will help you move out of painful relationships and no longer get involved in destructive relationships.

Reviews of the book

Reviews

Teresa Comito's Emotional Abuse Recovery Workshop is the perfect self-assessment tool for anyone who thinks they are (or have been) in an abusive relationship. He exposes patterns of abuse and gaslighting. The author's methods are healing through self-love, healthy relationships and the pursuit of security.

Teresa Comito draws on years of experience working with survivors of emotional abuse. With compassion and concern, she lays it out in a way that everyone can understand and follow the path to healing and recovery from trauma.

Teresa Comito is an extremely compassionate therapist with a deep understanding of the consequences of emotional abuse. Her clear logic is a guiding light for me and many others, thanks to her we remember the main values of the therapeutic process. Her message to readers is that you are not alone, you are capable and can heal.

Teresa Comito's workbook systematically shows how micro-aggressions, name-calling and "joking humiliation" become bricks on the path to physical violence. Working with authors of violence, I saw how often the emotional, without being stopped, grew into the physical. This workbook is an indispensable tool in coping with domestic violence and should be used by therapists and clients alike. It can literally save a life.

About the Author

Diploma in Marriage and Family Therapy with 28 years of experience in the non-profit sector and 20 years of psychological practice. Helps victims of domestic violence, crimes, people who have experienced other types of violence and psychological trauma. The last decade has been focused on clients who suffer from emotional abuse and want to get out of it. She is now in private practice in San Diego, California and continues to work with nonprofits and clinical supervision for students and interns.

Teresa Comito

What do psychologists think about the trend of reuniting exes?

Psychology It is difficult to imagine a person who managed to avoid such a test. The gap is painful, because both the heart and the mind refuse to believe that everything that connected you suddenly ceased to make sense, as if your great love did not exist at all.

The grief of parting gets stronger the more you convince yourself: it's all over, and it's forever. You need to survive this drama, the unjustified betrayal of your love, and live on, despite the thorn in your heart. Someone seeks support from friends, someone, on the contrary, strives for hermitage, but time and a method based on the ancient Russian saying “knock out with a wedge” are the most successful with healing after a break. Starting a new relationship takes the pain out of an old one.

Perhaps it would have been easier to endure the end of a relationship if there had been a glimmer of faith in the depths of the soul: nothing, everything will work out, someday we will try again. The idea of comforting yourself from a painful breakup in the arms of a long-time ex also seems very natural. It's like returning home after a romantic odyssey, convincing yourself that you once managed to make the right choice.

A new round in the relationship between Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck is a vivid example of returning to his/her ex in order to forget about the failure of a recent relationship. J. Lo broke up with baseball player Alex Rodriguez last spring, and Ben has been wandering from girlfriend to girlfriend for several years after his divorce from Jennifer Garner.

“Bennifer's reunion 15 years after the breakup of their engagement confirms the fact that the temptation to return to the arms of a former love intensifies in the ruins of a recent relationship. - comments psychologist Anna Balukova. - The hope for the revival of the former connection seems comforting, because it is common for people to feel discomfort from the destruction of something, especially if it took years to create and strengthen your union. You have gone through many wonderful and sad moments together that will always bind you, whether you are together or not. The feeling of longing for lost happiness can be exacerbated by subsequent, not very successful relationships.

Statistically, reunion with an ex is not a rare trend, and by no means a new one: about 50% of broken couples are not averse to getting back together, according to a study published in the Journal of Social and Public Relationships. Months and even years after separation (it doesn’t matter if you spent them alone or with someone else), no one is immune from thoughts “I wonder if he thinks of me ...”, “I can just write to find out how he ... "," Maybe he has matured, and now we could succeed ... "or" What if we have a chance to start over ... ". It is difficult to predict the development of events, but this happens all the time, ask your girlfriends. The only question is, is it good or bad? And why does this even come to mind?

Why there is a desire to be together again

“Let's be honest: the idea of starting over comes from indecision. Most likely, you were initially not sure about your breakup, explains Evgenia Smolenskaya, clinical psychologist at the Mental Health Center. - Maybe the breakup did not occur on your initiative, and you are still tormented by a feeling of understatement. Or the end of the relationship was accelerated by circumstances that deprive you of the opportunity to be together - for example, you are fed up with love at a distance.

In any case, your pull back is quite understandable from a psychological point of view. It's always nice to go back to where you felt good and immerse yourself in familiar hugs, touches, smells, sounds. At the same time, you are intrigued by what could have changed in a dear person during your separation - in fact, you are not expecting a resumption of old relationships, but the beginning of new ones, from scratch, even with someone you knew well in the past.

Is reuniting with an ex a good idea?

Remember once and for all: never go back to your ex if without him you feel empty or somehow inferior, as well as a lack of someone to take care of. The common metaphor “you complete me” has a destructive power in real relationships. A happy and harmonious union is usually obtained from two whole and self-satisfied personalities. Sounds trite, but it's true.

Secondly, if your ex (husband, boyfriend, quivering lover or perverted intriguer) does not even think about changing the behavior that contributed to your breakup, do not flatter yourself about him - a familiar ending awaits you. Sometimes the union of the most wholesome personalities succumbs to the oppression of toxic and even offensive dynamics, and in this case, ending the relationship will be the only right decision.

In the end, it's up to you to decide how obvious the advantages of getting closer to the hero of the old novel are. And thirdly, do not console yourself with the illusion that you are about to plunge into the turbulent waves of your former passions. There will be no repetition - time has passed, and both of you have changed. Ben, by the way, has become wiser and more solid, and J. Lo - cooler than ever.

Things to think about before rekindling a relationship

If you still really want to get back with your ex, here's what experts advise before taking this bold step:

1. Tell yourself honestly and clearly why you want this. Are you curious? Do you want to close the gestalt? To try one more time? Find solace? Revenge? Do not forget that the resumption of communication due to illusory plans to change a partner does not bode happy prospects.

2. Share your feelings and concerns with your ex. If you are embarrassed to discuss such topics, go back to point number one and still admit why you want to be together again. For harmonious relationships, the skill of mutual openness, the ability to share experiences, convey fears and worries to a partner is very important. Practice ahead of time to see how far you have progressed in this matter.

3. Another topic for dialogue: Discuss what you think you have changed and how it will affect your connection.

Learn more