A dangerous relationship
31 Relationship Habits That Are Actually Dangerous
Although these practices are heavily romanticized in society, they just might be poisoning your relationship. Take heed of these tips from top relationship experts.
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Making your partner your ultimate priority
“Making a partner your first priority before yourself is a ‘spiritual don’t’ because the secret to life is to love another as icing on an already great cake. If you dare to give your power away and make that person more important, you are out of balance in your energy field. You walk a fragile line with yourself, and if anything should happen, or they leave you, or the relationship changes course, then you are a fallen soul with no means to get up. One must love in a healthy way by always making themselves number one in self-care.” – Audrey Hope, celebrity renowned relationship expert. Here are 19 things your marriage counselor already knows about you.
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Trying to save or change someone
“Many times, a person will feel as though they can change or make their spouse their ‘project’ to save or help. Once you stop taking your spouse’s inventory you may feel less resentment and you may feel better about the relationship since the pressure is off you and now is back on the individual’s lap.” – Lisa Bahar, marriage and family therapist.
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Moving in together too soon
“People come to me for advice often because they had a whirlwind few dates, and moved in after a few months of dating. Having made that commitment, they then realize, more fully, who the other person is and they’re not happy. Maybe he or she is too close with an ex, has kids that were never mentioned, has debt, is a freeloader, etc. Always wait a year before moving in together—at least. This may seem like a long time if you’re madly in love, but living together and making a long-term relationship last has more to do with compatibility and shared values than it does chemistry.” – April Masini, relationship and etiquette expert, author of four relationship advice books and the ‘Ask April’ advice column.
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Always picking up the tab
“You may think you are being so good and helping them, but in fact, you are not letting learn to stand on their own two feet. The more you lend them, the more you are making them dependent and discouraging them from becoming self-reliant.” – Elliott Katz, author of Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants: Timeless Wisdom on Being a Man.
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Quashing fantasy talk
“Most people buy into the naïve narrative that if your partner shares sexual fantasies that are different than yours (or that may not even include you), then that inherently makes him or her a pervert. Not true. We are all sexual beings, and many of us have healthy imaginations. The bottom line is that fantasizing never hurt anyone. Encouraging talk about fantasies can dramatically increase the depth of intimacy in a relationship so that we both feel safe in sharing who we are with one another.” – Steven Ing, MFT, sex columnist, and author of We’re All Like This.
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Monkey Business Images/Shutterstock
Making too many compromises
“Making compromises always means to take a step back from oneself in order to make the other happy or to make the relationship work. But taking this step backward can mean betraying your own truth, your own desires. It means holding yourself back in going for what you really want. In the end, when both compromise, both will not be fully satisfied with what they agreed upon. Each partner will suffer in his or her own little puddle of mud. So go for what you want, even if it means that you will not spend all the time together. ” – Karen Hartmann, an expert at Shoomkloom.
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Frankensteining your partner
“Often, someone in a relationship will secretly (or even worse, not-so-secretly) wish their partner had/said/did certain things, all of which are reflected in other people they know. For example: ‘If only you treated me the way our friend treats his wife, and then if you could do things with me the way my ex did, and then if you could call me pet names like my dad does my mom, then I’d be happy.’ This unhelpful ‘Frankenstein’ approach to stitching together the perfect partner—and thus shaming your current partner—undermines the kind of healthy conversation that can lead to positive outcomes.” – Ing. Add this to the list of relationships warning signs: if your partner is asking you to do these 10 things, it’s time to leave.
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Comparing your relationship to someone else’s
“I’ve seen countless women think they’re ‘encouraging’ their boyfriend or spouse to be better, do better, look better, etc. —even to the extreme of bringing negative comparisons with someone else. Such well-intended remarks don’t encourage or inspire; they demean and undermine the very trust, encouragement, and value in another. Instead, concentrate on a behavior pattern, like lack of focus or time management, that is getting in the way of the very success, health, appearance that you know that person is capable of experiencing. The encouragement of the goodness and potential in them will go much farther and gain greater rewards.” – Maura Sweeney, author, podcaster, international speaker, and trademarked Ambassador of Happiness.
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Scaring them straight
“So many couples champion what I call the MAD rules of Mutually Assured Destruction; in other words, ‘If you cheat, it’s SO over.’ This may seem to work, but only because we were so good at instilling fear that they mastered the cover-up. What this does is usually not keep someone faithful, but rather, to make them really, really good at hiding. Proclaiming from the outset that no possible transgression will ever result in forgiveness is a recipe for relationship disaster.” – Ing. Find out the signs that your partner may be cheating.
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Idealizing your partner
“In the beginning, many new couples view their partners through rose-colored glasses. Though a few extra compliments and some over-idealizing are normal, placing your partner on a pedestal can be emotionally dangerous. As soon as your partner falls into becoming an ordinary ‘human’ (flaws and all), you will set yourself up for great disappointment. Also, a partner who is over-idealized may come to expect it and be disappointed—and even angry—if you don’t maintain the facade.” – Elaine Zukerman, author of relationship self-help books, certified life coach, and psychology professor.
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Sharing everything about your relationship on social media
“Your relationship is part of your personal life, so it should be staying personal and private to you. If you share every moment of your relationship on your Facebook or Instagram page, you are leaving nothing sacred between the two of you. Think about stepping it back a bit if this is one of your habits.” – Samantha Daniels, owner of the matchmaking service, Samantha’s Table, former divorce attorney, and founder of The Dating Lounge. Here are other things you should never share on social media.
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“Some couples play mild psychological games of being ‘unavailable’ and ‘hard-to-get’ in the beginning to instill intrigue and higher desirability. Though this may work in the short term, once the relationship is more established it can be dangerous to the future of the relationship. Learn to improve your confidence and communication by setting bottom line boundaries.” – Zukerman.
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“Avoiding conflict leads to bitterness and resentment in the long-term. This leads to significant problems in the relationship because we cannot fix a problem we don’t know exists. Bringing up issues also demonstrates trust in our partner and the relationship. Avoiding an argument may be well-intended, but it is rarely beneficial. On the other hand, relational research suggests that assertiveness is a powerful predictor of relationship satisfaction and effective problem-solving.” – Jim Seibold, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. When you do fight, make sure you don’t do these things afterward.
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Telling your partner a lie in order to spare their feelings
“In a long-term relationship, there will be moments where circumstances can be misconstrued and emotions conflict with logic. In order to move past doubt, each partner has to have a well-established, longstanding history of trustworthiness. Every time you choose to tell a lie instead of hurting your partner in the moment, you leave yourself vulnerable to being seen as a liar. No lie is worth jeopardizing your mate’s sense of trust in you.” – Alison Cohen, Licensed Marriage Family Therapist.
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“Jealousy has been romanticized in our culture. It’s common to believe the other person must really love you to care so much about who you talk with. Instead, jealousy shows a lack of trust and respect. It’s about domination and control.”- Cynthia D’Amour, MBA, love strategist.
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“When you start living your life on repeat (waking up, getting the kids off to school, going to work, returning home, eating dinner, watching TV, going to bed…). days turn into months, months turn into years. You can start to feel stuck in your life and wonder why. When a couple clings to the safety of routine they stop growing. Couples who have goals and revisit these goals with plans on how to achieve them inspire one another and bond over these desires.” – Lisa Concepcion, Relationship Expert and Founder of LoveQuest Coaching.
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Giving make-up gifts
“Maybe you get some expensive jewelry or a new car as an apology after fighting. Is this a generous person or someone who is trying to prove to you the abusive behaviors that happened during the fighting didn’t really happen? After all, they must love you a ton to give you such a generous gift! Beware of expensive distractions.” – D’Amour. Gifting after a fight is probably one of the relationship tips your grandma or grandpa gave you. Here are 7 tips from your grandparents to keep, and 5 you definitely shouldn’t.
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Sharing every irritant
“Sharing every little thing that bothers you [even in an effort to be a frank communicator] creates a negative tone to the relationship, which makes positive growth difficult. My rule of thumb: if you won’t remember what it was when you wake up tomorrow morning, it probably wasn’t worth mentioning.” – Mark E. Sharp, PhD and psychologist at the Aiki Relationship Institute.
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Taking great lengths to “keep you safe”
“Your friends find it charming that your significant other always picks you up whenever they can—or expects you to call right away if you are going to be a few minutes late. Is it love? Maybe not. When someone treats another like a child and keeps them on a very short leash, it’s a potential form of abuse. ” – D’Amour. Here are the signs you can trust your partner.
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Always cheering your partner up
“Life has ups and downs, and unpleasant emotions are part of that. When someone always tries to cheer their partner up (often because they can’t tolerate seeing them in pain), they often end up sending the message that their partner’s emotional reactions are invalid, which is a real connection killer. They should instead learn how to communicate support in such situations.” – Dr. Sharp.
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Saying that you can’t live without them
“You are so completely smitten and ga-ga over them that you want to spend every waking minute together. It’s dangerous because it puts way too much pressure on the partner to be their partner’s perfect person, but it also shows a severe flaw in the obsessive partner. You see, if I cannot function without my husband, then I have not learned to be self-sufficient and must rely on another to bring me happiness. That is simply not possible or healthy.” – Stacey Greene, author of Stronger Than Broken. On the other side of things, here are the signs your partner sees you as just a fling.
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Taking on the other’s happiness as a responsibility
“We all want our significant other to be happy with us, but it is a dangerous habit to fall into when you believe it is your responsibility to make them happy. Personal happiness is an individual choice. Taking on the role of making someone else happy will only lead to two unhappy people.” – Monte Drenner, licensed counselor, master certified addictions professional, and life coach.
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Venting to your friends about your partner
“If you’re constantly ear polluting your friends with your relationship drama, chances are you know something isn’t right and you’re seeking validation. You are avoiding dealing with the issues with the person who is creating them.” – Clarissa Silva, behavioral scientist, researcher, and author.
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Spending lots of money to make the other over
“Instead of a dream come true, a generous gift can be a nightmare in the making. Whether it is a new wardrobe in a style that’s not you or being sent to a wellness spa so you can finally get in shape, gifts that don’t reflect your preferences and desires may indicate overly controlling behavior.” – D’Amour.
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Believing things like “I could never stand to lose you”
“Making these kinds of proclamations sets you both up for a potentially difficult time because not all relationships last forever. Second, on a more realistic note, you were probably OK before you met this person, and you will be OK, should he or she walk out of your life. And third, this kind of relationship is just too intense, and that kind of intensity will not last. Relating these kinds of messages to your partner might make him or her think you are dependent on them. Dependency in a relationship is far from healthy, and when a person believes you need them, they may be reluctant to disappoint or break up with you—perhaps staying with you out of pity. On the other end, he or she might feel they can treat you any way they like because you just aren’t going anywhere.”- Jesse D. Matthews, Psy.D, PA & DE licensed psychologist. You’ll also want to make sure you stop saying these things to people in your life.
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Always being dressed well and done up
“I’ve watched a few women, all of whom had their own unique talents, style, abilities, interests, and flair, attempt to mold themselves into a certain image they believed their husband or boyfriend desired. One in particular, a stunning nurse who earned her PhD, repeatedly and alternately dressed up or down, wore makeup or not, and expressed or repressed herself in public—all to please what she perceived her partners desired. Rather than imagining what another wants, and turning into a chameleon, partners need to be as mindful and respectful of themselves and their identities as they are mindful and respectful of others. It’s that ebb-and-flow, that interplay of personalities, that helps foster and maintain healthy, vibrant, loving, and often fascinating relationships.” – Sweeney.
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Planning the future
“Thinking about the future is great when you’re planning to get married, start a family, or go on a big vacation. However, if you and your partner spend too much time fantasizing about the future, you may be missing out on what’s happening in your lives right now.” – Jeannie Assimos, Chief of Advice at eHarmony. Here are some bad relationship habits you need to let go of.
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Wanting to be together 24/7
“When you spend too much time together, you become enmeshed and start to lose your own identity. You may stop doing things you like to do, you may kick friends or family to the curb, and your entire life becomes about that person. It’s an all-or-nothing mentality, and that isn’t healthy. Should it last, you will eventually wake up and realize how much of yourself or your life you have lost. And if it doesn’t last, you may find that you’re left with nothing.” – Dr. Matthews.
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Deeming your partner your “best friend”
“This isn’t always bad, but in most cases, a person has a best friend already. It may not be healthy to forsake other friendships because you now have someone new and you just don’t need them anymore. If you invest everything into your relationship and your partner becomes your everything, you are likely neglecting other areas of your life or other important relationships. First of all, it’s healthy to have a variety of friendships, so you want to avoid letting friends go. And secondly, the majority of romantic relationships do end, and the majority find it difficult to maintain that ‘best friend’ status when it’s all said and done.” – Dr. Matthews. Here are the signs experts say mean you’re in a healthy relationship.
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Loving someone “unconditionally”
“Love should have conditions, namely that you’ll love your partner as long as they treat you with basic respect and dignity. If someone abuses you (verbally or emotionally), then sticking with them because of some ‘unconditional’ love is unhealthy.” – David Bennett, certified counselor, relationship expert, and co-author of seven self-help books.
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Saying, “You complete me”
“You are the only one that can complete yourself and this is daunting.” – Isabel James, founder of Elite Dating Managers. You’ll also want to make sure to keep an eye out for the 9 subtle signs you’re in a toxic relationship.
Originally Published: November 26, 2019
Hana Hong is a journalist/storyteller who writes for Reader's Digest, InStyle, CollegeFashionista, Her Campus, and The Fashion Network, among other publications. She hails from the midwest, where she graduated from the University of Illinois with a BA in News-Editorial Journalism, but has a passion for the East Coast.
Disclosure: This post is brought to you by Reader's Digest editors, who aim to highlight products and services you might find interesting. If you buy them, we may get a small share of revenue from our partners, such as Amazon Services LLC Associates Program. We frequently receive products free of charge from manufacturers to test. This does not drive our decision as to whether or not a product is featured or recommended. We welcome your feedback. Have something you think we should know about? Email us at [email protected].
4 Signs That a Relationship Could Become Dangerous
I’ve written several posts about toxic relationships, but there are so many like this we hear little about. I think it’s worth revisiting toxic relationships, especially unhealthy relationships between intimate partners. Although many of us can relate to having people in our lives who are challenging and demanding, and ultimately not very good for us, it’s very different when the person you’re involved with is not only personally troubled, but hell-bent on pulling you into their unhealthy world and making you a part of their troubled lives.
First, I want to talk about some of the factors that describe and often define an unhealthy relationship.
3 Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship
1. Dependency. While we want someone who is dependable and present, we don’t necessarily want someone who is dependent. This simply means that a person is very needy and insecure, requiring a great deal of time and effort to care and support them. They need you to be around for them for far more time than is healthy. Their dependency eventually infringes upon your time and space so much so that you have less and less time for yourself and your own needs, separate from the relationship.
Over time, the dependent person becomes clingy, seeking more and more attention. Often they become jealous of time with others away from them and, given the opportunity, become demanding and angry when you can’t or won’t meet their immediate needs. It should come as no surprise that immaturity and irresponsibility often accompany dependency, not a good combination when you’re trying to navigate a stable, long-term intimate relationship.
2. Dishonesty. Trust is the foundation of any relationship, but especially that of an intimate partnership. When there is trust, partners can feel confident knowing they are safe. Trust opens people up to be themselves, to feel fully accepted as they are. Being unable to sustain trust with another opens the door to deception, lying, and secrets. After a while, these may get a life of their own where the norm becomes sneaking around, cheating, and more. Once you break a sacred trust, it’s hard to get it back.
3. Controlling. A dependent person wants you all to themself. It may start off subtly, asking you to spend more and more time with them alone because they need you. Eventually, it may become more personal, chipping away at your independence and autonomy. More and more, attempts may be made to isolate you, to separate you from friends and family. A controlling partner may try to sway you, to manipulate your point of view, your choices, and decisions to reflect more of their own. Eventually, control may invade most of your life, having to account for your time, reporting where you’re going and who you’re with.
These then are some of the factors that contribute to an unhealthy relationship. Fortunately for some, an intimate relationship of this kind runs its course and it’s over. Hopefully, you would have learned something from this to make you wiser in the future. If not, you may repeat the pattern, finding codependent people to share a relationship with and playing the whole thing out all over again.
4 Signs of a Potentially Dangerous Relationship
So, what happens when you up the ante, and an unhealthy relationship becomes dangerous? How can a relationship that starts out one way evolve, or devolve, into something that is the antithesis of a loving, caring relationship? More than answering those questions, let’s see how a toxic, unhealthy relationship can develop into something sinister and dangerous.
1. Isolation. Eventually, the expectation of exclusivity, meaning your time and energy exists mainly for this one person, may drive one to cut off ties with close family and friends. In fact, a good determinant of how unhealthy a person is and how toxic the relationship has become is the way family and friends respond to the other. They don’t like them. They can see clearly what is happening but often their concerns and fears fall on deaf ears.
2. Jealousy. Excessive jealousy on the part of the controlling partner can lead to cutting off communications with significant others, further isolating you. By doing this, they have effectively also cut off any reasonable thinking and personal support. They are cutting you off from anyone that could provide sound advice and a safe haven out of the relationship. Unfortunately, if their jealousy is pathological, real or imagined, anyone or anything that takes you away is cause for anger and rage.
3. Bullying and arguing. They’ve obviously “lost that loving feeling.” Maybe that’s what they always meant to do—pull you in with the promise of love, intimacy, and protection all the while knowing that was only a means to control and abuse. After a while, there’s frequent criticism, fault-finding, and humiliation. You become the reason why your partner is always angry. You are every negative thing one can find fault with and blame you for being. You are frequently picked on, argued with, and criticized in public. Anything can turn into a disagreement or argument. Once loved and lovable, you are now the object of contempt and derision.
4. Pathological behavior. Surely, not all unhealthy relationships become pathological, but some definitely do. Narcissistic personality, complete self-centeredness, extreme possessiveness, the need to control, and the sense of entitlement to get one’s way no matter what, often predominate in unhealthy, pathological, and abusive relationships. The abusive partner is often deceptively charming to others, so much so that others would never guess what’s really going on. The abused partner is often gaslighted and afraid.
Abuse in relationships is expressed emotionally, psychologically, or physically and/or all of the above. No abuse is ever acceptable but when it gets physical, time is running out. Sometimes people don’t know what’s coming next. When the relationship looks as if it’s going well, there is a temporary sense of relief until the next time. You just never know. Sometimes people really mean to do harm, but sometimes people just mean to threaten. Given a certain set of circumstances, on any given day, things may just go a bit too far and someone is terribly harmed.
Facebook image: LightField Studios/Shutterstock
to recognize and stop”, Tatyana Trofimenko – LitRes
© Trofimenko T. G., 2021
© Depositphotos.com / VectorMine, cover, 2021
© Family Leisure Club Book Club, edition in Russian, 2021
© Family Leisure Club Book Club, artwork, 2021
* * *
What relationship is this book about? So I will talk about them first. However, business relationships can also be dangerous, including between a man and a woman, and relationships with parents, and relationships with people in general - more or less close.nine0003
It is impossible to write about all these relationships in detail in one book. I will focus on sexual relations between a man and a woman and relationships with parents, because they affect the relationship of love or just sexual relations with members of the opposite sex. Yes, and they can ruin your life no worse than a relationship with a loved one who does not love you. And I will also write about loneliness (relationships only with oneself or, one might say, relationships with others equal to zero), since it can also be dangerous and is very connected with the theme of relations between a man and a woman, because usually it is without these relationships that a person feels lonely. nine0003
What is covered in this book
• which relationships are dangerous;
• who can be the source of a dangerous relationship and why;
• how a person has come to such a state that he gets into a relationship with a person who makes them dangerous, or he himself creates a dangerous relationship for himself or a partner in his life. This will help you understand both other people and yourself, reduce the suffering from dangerous relationships if they have already happened in your life, and try not to get into such relationships; nine0003
• what measures can be taken to avoid getting into dangerous relationships;
• what is the danger and benefit of the absence of any kind of relationship - loneliness (after all, it is also a dangerous relationship, but only with oneself), how to endure loneliness;
• what is a close relationship and what kind of close relationship can be called happy.
I am not advocating that you break off dangerous relationships with someone or start looking for a mate if you are alone. Sometimes a person does not have the resources to radically change his life, or his current state is so tied to his sources of life financing that just touch the relationship situation and the material foundation of existence will crumble. There may be different reasons why a person cannot, or even does not want to change anything. Up to the point that, then, such is fate. If everyone could change everything, there would be chaos in the world, because everyone would like to become happy and would change reality based on their ideas of happiness, and the desires of many people are too contradictory. Everyone cannot be happy, and I cannot call you to utopia and promise utopia. My books are for understanding of life, in order to understand one's destiny - why it is so, and not otherwise. Understanding eases suffering, and who is destined, who will have the desire and opportunity, understanding will help change their lives in the direction of what is better for this person in his personal understanding or in the understanding of the Higher Forces.
In this book, I want to set forth a certain worldview that will help you avoid getting into a dangerous relationship and use every opportunity to get out of them if you have already, as they say, got into trouble, as well as reduce the amplitude of suffering in the event of a breakup. I do not give hatred guarantees to remove suffering altogether, I am not a hypnotist, but a writer and psychologist, and it is not in my power to hypnotize you and inspire happiness. And how long will hypnosis last? A person does not stay in a state of ordinary hypnosis for very long. Is there an unusual one? Yes, there is. And they create it situations that govern a person's life . And these control situations are created by people. Maybe you can call it hypnosis. Maybe it can be called something else, but the essence is that a person does not see any options for action, except for those that are dictated to him by certain circumstances. Moreover, he even has no other thoughts, except for those that are dictated to him by these controlling situations! That is why it is very tactless and stupid to criticize another person for not finding a way out of a difficult situation for him at the time. It's you , maybe this way out is visible from your current position in time and space, from your life situation, taking into account your life experience, lessons passed - some quests - control situations. And to that person in his situation in which he found himself, none of this was visible. He could not see anything from what you see now!
Here I am, having gone through life and been in various difficult situations, including very dangerous relationships, I see only now , thanks to the lessons learned, how it would be possible to behave then and then, when I got into very bad relationships again and again, how can you not get into such relationships at all, how can you quickly find out, that this person, simply put, is bad or not suitable for you, how can you distance yourself from difficult people. I see it and want to share my life experience with you. Maybe this book will save some person who is currently trapped in a dangerous control situation for him - for example, he is under the influence of toxic parents or a sexual partner. In such situations, people usually cannot find a way out on their own. And not at all because they are stupid, as others can accuse them of this! nine0033 The very situation of has such a hypnotic effect on a person that he cannot even find new thoughts - those that would lead him out of that terrible black hole into which he fell. This is a black hole, such a situation when you are under the influence of people who simply use you without return or play on your nerves for their own entertainment, or do something else with you that a decent and empathic person would not do . But there are people who do not consider the interests of others at all. And, unfortunately, all their behavior is such that we fall under their influence, and our consciousness is completely enslaved by such people. I want to get you out if you're in that situation. And warn you not to fall into such black holes. However, firstly, a person can live in terrible conditions, when life forces are simply pumped out of him and nothing is given in return, and not understand what is happening, and even have no desire to change his life. Then maybe he won't go to the bookstore and he won't see this book. Secondly, I believe in fate - that this book will get to those who need it, and who do not need it and who have not suffered enough to go through their lessons and draw conclusions, this book will not get to that. Thirdly, people are so arranged that they do not want to use someone else's life experience and prefer to accumulate their own mistakes. As long as the person himself has not suffered from toxic relationships, he will, as they say, let the information pass by his ears, he will not perceive it as useful. He will think that “this is it” will never happen to him. Maybe it won't happen. Especially if you read this book and take into account what is stated in it. And maybe it will happen. Because when you fall in love, emotions cloud your mind so much that you forget about all the useful warnings. Or you don’t want to think about them, because loneliness is already so unbearable that you agree to at least someone nearby, even if the person gets on your nerves. Yes, it can be much worse - when your nervous system is generally does not receive any stimuli due to complete loneliness. It really is. Yes, it will only get on your nerves until your resource is exhausted. None of us have endless body resources. Once everything ends with us, and then, if toxic people continue to get you, alas, there is a breakdown in health, and even death. But we don’t think about it when we are fond of someone. So perhaps this book won't stop you, and you may end up in or in very bad relationships. But those who have already known what it is - bullying, a cold, soulless attitude towards you, ignoring your interests, playing on your nerves, humiliation, depreciation, comparing you not in your favor with others, criticism, and even beatings, These are the people who are most likely to be interested in this book. They have already felt for themselves how painful it is - when you are not considered! They took a sip of heartache to the fullest. So, chances are, most of the readers will be those who have experienced a toxic relationship already. We will understand why all this happened to you and what to do to get rid of suffering and not get into this again. And I hope that the analysis in this book will allow you to calm down and not expect messages or calls from a person who played on your feelings, used you, and then left you. nine0003
The effect will be achieved not only due to advice on what to pay attention to , but also due to giving you a certain way of thinking , which in general will reduce your anxiety and save you from many dangerous situations, and not just from dangerous relationships. The worldview offered here will make your decision making easier and save a lot of your energy, and as a result, keep you healthy. Here is health - one of the key concepts of this book. I want to invite you to look at life situations from above and see where they lead and how they are shaped. Ultimately, after all, all these severe stressful situations destroy our health, and health is our main capital, on which we live our lives. If there is no health, there will be no life itself. For death is the complete destruction of health. So, I want to convey to you in this book a worldview that will contribute to the preservation of your health. At the same time the key concepts on which I will rely are the following:
• mental health;
• health of the nervous system;
• nervous system;
• expenses for the implementation of actions and experiences;
Everything I write in this book is based on this basic idea: your close relationships should not impair your health and increase the speed of your approach to death. For a person, not only psychological, but also physical, purely domestic conditions of his residence are important. So, as a result of close relationships, neither one nor the other should worsen (well, if living conditions do worsen, then to a level acceptable to you). Because both affect your health and the speed of your descent into the grave.
Why do I focus so much on the way of thinking, on the worldview? Because the decision-making algorithm is always more informative than these decisions themselves - particular manifestations of this algorithm. Advice, that is, concrete, private data, is less informative than a thinking algorithm. Because advice is private, and with the help of a certain thinking strategy, you can get any advice for yourself in any situation, and by yourself! The advice in the book is also needed. When a person is in a stressful situation, he still needs advice, he needs clear instructions from someone who has already experienced such situations, what to do. Moreover, falling in love, passion, when emotions overshadow the mind, is also a stressful situation. It's one thing if you consciously go to turn off the brain - and come what may. And it’s another matter if you just don’t understand the situation and act blindly, and then you will be very sorry that you got into a relationship that destroyed you. In such cases, it is very good to have useful advice from a knowledgeable person: “Don’t get in - it will kill you!” In any case, this book will reveal so many new things to you about human relations in general and the sexual relations of men and women in particular, that even if you go to such lengths as to “think about nothing, and let everything be as it is”, then, at least it will be your own, fully conscious decision, and not one that you made under the influence of a manipulator, gigolo, abuser, swindler, rapist, etc. , and to please him. nine0003
This book features a deeper analysis than other books on similar topics, why people enter into relationships that destroy them, why they actually create them themselves in their lives. Yes, maybe it will seem strange to many that we create such relationships ourselves. Well, who is? In a relationship between a man and a woman, there are two people, one of which is you, the reader. You yourself entered into this relationship, right? Few are actually raped. If they rape, it is already a criminal case. Most enter into relationships that destroy them of their own free will. And why? Why did you have such good will to enter into a relationship with a person who, at least, did not love you?! Moreover, it is possible that you remain in such a relationship, even when you realize that you are not loved. Why? Here! This is what you need to understand in order to emotionally unhook from this person! And next time, be more attentive to yourself and not miss the moments when you, under the influence of your life history, are going to take the wrong step. When the whole situation is decomposed into components, it ceases to be active - tormenting your soul, and even your body! I know it myself. When I fully analyzed my personal situation with a man, the Man of My Dreams, who brought me a lot of heartache, when I got to the origins of this situation, which I found in my childhood, I was able to emotionally free myself from this man and stop waiting - waiting for him , his text messages, his words, his calls, his actions ... I went this way and I offer you my experience. That psychologist who has not been in a relationship that destroys him will not understand you, but I will! When you read this book, you will see that these are not mere words. You may find that no one has ever understood you as well as I have. nine0003
How to read this book
It is important to understand that this book is a certain work with your psyche. Therefore, it must be read sequentially - from the first page to the last, without skipping anything. We will touch on very deep things - what happened in your childhood, and after such dives you need to get psychological support. It goes in this book in the right places. So no need to jump from one piece of text to another. I foresaw everything - where to place what in the text. But this is provided taking into account the fact that a person will read sequentially - from beginning to end, without missing anything. nine0003
There are fragments in the book in which I address women, but there are also references to men. So, read everything. Because no matter who I turn to, I write for both genders. In addition, in the chapters, in the title of which there is a mention of women, there is information for men. Well, I have a lively conversation with you - that's how it goes, that's how I write. Despite the titles of the chapters, I do not have a clear division of information into “for women” and “for men” - any information from this book will be useful to both sexes, at least in order to better understand each other. nine0003
Think about what you read, do not rush to read it faster. It is important what conclusions you draw for yourself after reading the entire book. Not necessarily right away. Let the information absorb and develop in your brain. The more you think about what you read, the more you will find confirmation of what is stated here and the opportunities to apply my line of thought in your life.
What is a resource
Before talking about what a dangerous relationship is, I would like to clarify the concept of a resource.
Our brain is similar to a computer (to be more precise, computers are built in the likeness of a human brain), so I will mean the concept of a resource primarily in the computer sense - in the sense of the cost of the system's intelligence capacity, for a person - the brain. This is our most important resource, since we are alive as long as our brain functions, and what remains of us as intellectual products (books, films, paintings, articles, inventions, etc.) is what can prolong our life in terms of information: a person died physically, but his brain products still function in society, and they remember him. Here it is information life . A person is not only a physical body, it is also information processes in his brain. And if they can be captured in some kind of intellectual work, as I am doing at the moment, setting out my thoughts in a book, then a person’s life is actually extended - as much as the fruits of his intellect will be in demand after his death, as well as his life, as it were, expands in space - due to the coverage of ideas not only by one's own brain, but also by the intellectual centers of other people's organisms. nine0033 As long as the brain functions well , which means that the nervous system and psyche are in order, people fully retain their personality. But if the brain starts to malfunction, then the nervous system, and the psyche, and the body, and the person becomes so sick that his personality is distorted, and other people no longer see him, but some kind of his metamorphosis. Therefore, the actual death of a person can occur before his heart stops, before physical death. It can come at the moment when brain resources are used up so much that he has already lost the ability to adequately process the information coming to his input. That's why brain resource is extremely important! Although, of course, purely physical resources are also important, for example, the condition of the muscles. However, it has long been known that physical resources are much easier to recover than mental, mental, nervous ones. It is not for nothing that teachers and doctors of mental hospitals are entitled to leave for almost two months, and manual workers - at best, twenty-four days. By the way, when a person has overwork of the brain, he physically feels tired, there is even aches all over the body from mental overwork, burnout, neurasthenia. So still under resources I, first of all, will understand resources of the brain , they are also the resources of the psyche and nervous system. The resources of our nervous system and psyche are, first of all, the resources of our brain that controls them. The psyche is, first of all, information processes, something that cannot be felt physically, and the nervous system is quite tangible purely physical nerves that pass both in the brain and throughout our body. So, the brain, due to the presence of certain resources given to it from birth by Nature and replenished by a person in the course of life (if a person understands that they need to be replenished, or replenishes them purely instinctively), controls both the psyche and nerves throughout the body. nine0003
Your brain spends a resource on any task. Even to read the instructions for the medicine. And during your life, all your resources, including purely physical, and especially the resources of the brain, are exhausted, and sooner or later you find that resources are already so easily not enough for everything, as it was at a young age, and you need to save resources. And you begin to decide in advance what you are investing your resources in today: choosing the supplement you need to take, finding a new income or working at an existing job, talking with a friend or reading an art book. You clearly feel how and on what your resources are spent, because they are not unlimited. But a person realizes this at best when he has lived for many years (sometimes he does not realize, of course, but simply begins to get tired and reduce the load). Love relationships take place, as a rule, not in old age, but at an age when there are still quite a lot of resources. Even if this is a mature age, then entering into a love relationship in itself, the ignition of passion suggests that this person has a lot of resources. Either there were initially a lot of them from Nature, or this person saved them and rarely fell in love with someone (love, passion, close relationships - this is a colossal expenditure of body resources) and now he spends all the saved energy on the object of his love, then whether the person competently replenished the expended resources. In any case, when a person falls in love, he definitely has resources for this business. Otherwise he wouldn't have fallen in love. When the resources of the brain are running out, the body enters an energy-saving mode and spends them only on the most necessary - to maintain life. By the way, this is why this may be one of the reasons that at the lower rungs of the social ladder, where people are concerned about where to find the means to survive today and the next day, where there is a real struggle for purely physical survival, people are not up to high feelings . They should have survived! And the same thing happens at any rung of the social ladder, when the resources of the brain begin to dry up. The body begins to save them and spend only on the most necessary for survival - earning a living and relaxing holidays. Perhaps that is why, the older a person is, the more difficult it is for him to fall in love - to be so carried away by someone in order to lose his head. A sane person (and by a respectable age, those who were interested in psychology, tried to understand themselves, trained their brains, become so sane, that is, not very inclined to lose their heads and plunge into some business, including a love adventure, forgetting about everything the rest), before starting to do something, asks himself the question: "Do I have a resource for this?" That is, he thinks, whether he will pull this case . In youth, or in a later period of life, when there are still a lot of resources, and not so much common sense, a person gets stuck in some business without thinking whether he has the resources for it. It's like the famous hero of the novel "Three Musketeers" by Alexandre Dumas Porthos, who first gets into a fight, and only after the fight, maybe he will think whether he needed it. In youth, youth, or adulthood, this is simply due to inexperience: a person enters into close relationships, gives birth to a child, does something else significant without thinking, whether he has a resource for all this, whether he will pull it. And then it may turn out that there are no resources, and the person suffers. Well, okay, if he suffers alone. And if a child is born, and the woman does not have elementary money to support him and there is no one who would help her take care of the child while she earns money or has a rest? In vain, many people do not take into account that rest is also needed: if you don’t rest, the nervous system breaks down, a person gets sick, and a nervous or mentally ill mother is very bad for a child: how will he grow up with such a mother? I suggest you think about it. nine0003
Yes, our resources are, of course, not only the resources of the body, but also money, real estate, and other property.
Well, there is another very important and irreplaceable resource - your time. If your work is low paid, you are forced to work very hard to provide for your financial life. And you may no longer have not only the strength, but also the time to twist novels. I suggest you take a sober look at things. My book is for sane people, and not for those who fanatically want to marry at any cost, just for someone. Relationships with a toxic or simply not suitable person eat up your main resources - the resources of the brain, psyche, nervous system, and ultimately your health, as well as your life time. nine0003
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Available on the "Pushkin map"
Personal life, relationships between men and women, hidden secrets and dangerous intrigues inspire and excite the minds of many. Who surrounds us - insidious and jealous, cunning and flirting, fake and vengeful persons or those who are truly kind, honest, noble and sincerely in love? On the Small Stage of the St. Petersburg Music Hall Theater 9characters in which these qualities and feelings are skillfully combined, intertwined in deep dangerous connections and fatal ties.
Characters of an aristocratic society - Marquise de Merteil, Vicomte de Valmont, de Tourvel, Cecile Volange, Chevalier Danceny and other heroes of the bestseller Choderlos de Laclos will expose their human weaknesses and feelings in the exclusive musical performance "Dangerous Liaisons". Here there is a place for everything - passion, revenge, temptation, love and treason, which will dress in rustling fabrics and secular decency. nine0003
Refined Italian arias performed in the genre of a musical, a quintet of musicians involved in dangerous relationships, exquisite and frank costumes, stylish scenery, one of the elements of which will be a large cage - a trap for some heroes and a secret boudoir for others, sword fighting and passionate dancing.