Women who cheat on their husband
12 Reasons Women Cheat, According to an Expert
- Love & Dating
Studies show that the infidelity gender gap is narrowing.
Cathy Meyer is a certified divorce coach, marriage educator, freelance writer, and founding editor of DivorcedMoms.com. As a divorce mediator, she provides clients with strategies and resources that enable them to power through a time of adversity.
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Updated on 09/28/22
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Landis Bejar is a New York State Licensed Mental Health Counselor and the founder of AisleTalk: Consultation & Therapy.
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Although social norms and Hollywood portrayals often depict men as the sex more likely to cheat, studies show that the infidelity gender gap is narrowing—especially among younger people. Take, for instance, a research study out of The Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, which found that among participants with an average age of 31, "there were no significant gender differences in the report of infidelity (23 percent of men vs. 19 percent of women)." Then there's the National Opinion Research Center’s General Social Survey (GSS) from 2018, which found that women between the ages of 18 and 29 were slightly more likely to cheat than men of the same age group (11 percent vs. 10 percent). Further data out of the GSS showed that the percentage of women who cheat rose nearly 40 percent from 1990 to 2010 while men's adultery rate held steady at 21 percent.
The reason for the uptick in women who cheat? Some attribute it to the increased responsibilities (and therefore increased needs and wants) of the modern woman. Empowered by feminist viewpoints and financial freedom, women are less likely to compromise—and better positioned to seek out the emotional and sexual gratification that's missing in their relationship.
"The gap shifted when women went to work and had their own money and choices; with choice comes easier dissatisfaction," explains marriage and sex therapist Angela Skurtu M.Ed, LMFT. "We also expect a lot more out of marriage now. Before, marriage was a vehicle to raise your family and be taken care of financially. Now, we expect happiness, good sex, best friends, and more out of it. We have put a lot of pressure on marriage when it wasn't originally designed to meet all your needs."
Meet the Expert
- Angela Skurtu M.Ed, LMFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist and nationally (AASECT) certified sex therapist. She is the author of Helping Couples Overcome Infidelity: A Therapist's Manual.
- Joel Block, PhD, is an assistant clinical professor of psychology at the Donald and Barbara Zucker School of Medicine at Hofstra/Northwell.
The question still remains: Why do women cheat? Read on for 12 common reasons, plus expert insight from Skurtu and psychologist Joel Block.
01 of 12
Dissatisfaction in Relationship
This can be seen as the underlying theme of the majority of motivations for infidelity. Dissatisfaction, explains Skurtu, is where it starts. "People justify this by saying, 'We are in a bad patch.'" she continues. "Then the opportunity arises for one person, and instead of stopping things before they start, they justify crossing a boundary, with, 'My partner doesn't care anyway. It's completely innocent.'"
For every relationship boundary crossed, the person has to justify their behavior to themselves first, then they are able to compartmentalize the actions. Not finding satisfaction in a current relationship can trigger someone to seek that satisfaction elsewhere or even use the act of cheating (whether consciously or unconsciously) as a catalyst to end their current relationship.
Be as honest as possible if confronting a partner or being confronted about infidelity. "Often, both partners knew about the gaps," Skurtu says. "The affair just shines a light on the problems."
02 of 12
When a woman is struggling with low self-worth, it may spur them to look to external sources for the attention and validation that they and their partner are unable to create and sustain. "Low self-esteem starts out looking like, 'Why would anyone find me attractive?' Then when someone starts to show that attention, it feels really good," says Skurtu.
A woman who cheats may rely on affairs to provide them with proof of their value or desirability. When one fling ends, it may cause them to feel neglected or worthless, so they pursue a new romantic interest—and the cycle continues.
03 of 12
While studies suggest that men who cheat are primarily motivated by sex, women who cheat tend to do so to fill an emotional need. And in the case of an emotional affair, sex isn't part of the equation at all. Whether the affair is physical or emotional in nature, a woman may cheat because they crave conversation, empathy, respect, devotion, adoration, support, or some other connection that's lacking in their current relationship.
"Some people convince themselves emotional is not a real affair. However, most sexual ones start emotional," says Skurtu "I find it pretty rare to have an only sexual affair without some emotions because they usually start as friends. That's how you start crossing boundaries and justify the behavior."
04 of 12
Anger or Retribution
Some women enter into a relationship with an idealized image of how their spouse should behave. When the partner falls short of expectations and can't meet their every need and desire, it can create a divide in the relationship that provides the impetus to stray.
Some women may resent their partner for another reason, such as a partner's past affair, and use their own infidelity as retaliation.
05 of 12
Lack of Excitement
You've likely heard of the term serial cheaters—people who cheat for the thrill of it. They may love their S.O. but yearn for those endorphin-fueled interactions that make a new relationship so exciting.
"I think as a society we don't honestly address how boring work and family life can be at times," explains Skurtu. "I was recently watching the show Good Girls, and they turn to street crimes. It's addressing the same thing: boredom. I feel people are more likely to cheat than to get involved in crimes, but it's the same premise."
In fact, a study at the affair dating website AshleyMadison.com found that 67 percent of heterosexual, married women who cheat sought out "romantic passion," yet 100 percent of the women denied any intention of leaving their husbands; some even "stated their overt love for their husbands, painting them in a positive light."
06 of 12
Try as we might to keep the spark alive, the excitement that accompanies a new relationship only lasts so long. Predictability and familiarity will eventually overtake the quality and frequency of sex. It's not surprising, then, that some women who cheat are missing those thrilling hallmarks of a relationship's beginning stages, when passion and intrigue have yet to give way to routine. In fact, Skurtu believes this is historically one of the motivators behind male-centric infidelity: "It might have been an expectation that at a certain point, sex was not a big part of marriage so cheating was a necessary evil."
07 of 12
A woman who cheats may have a partner who works long hours, leaving them home with the kids all day. Perhaps they've found themselves in a stage in life when it's harder to make friends or maybe their S.O. is contending with a chronic illness. Whatever the reason, loneliness or feelings of isolation and disengagement can "provide the perfect ingredients for an affair," says Skurtu. "They feel lonely and someone else starts meeting the unmet needs."
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Insecure Attachment Style
Attachment theory suggests that early childhood relationships influence how we perceive and behave in our intimate relationships as adults. Depending on the care and nurturing (or lack thereof) that one receives as a child, they'll fall into one of three attachment styles as adults: secure (having well-adjusted expectations and approaches to relationships), anxious (exhibiting fear of abandonment), or avoidant (preferring to retain their independence from others).
People who identify with anxious and avoidant attachment styles are more likely to display characteristics that interfere with a healthy romantic relationship (think clinginess and dismissiveness). Moreover, they're more likely to cheat, as they seek out reassurance from a third-party partner or attempt to avoid the intimacy of the primary relationship. "There's always a sense of 'what's on the other side' and never fully being happy or secure in oneself," explains Skurtu. "This type of person may struggle to be happy in any relationship."
09 of 12
While midlife crises generally affect people between the ages of 35 and 60, the event has less to do with age than extenuating circumstances. Major life events, such as the death of a parent or a milestone birthday, may trigger a midlife crisis in a woman, causing them to wrestle with the burden of greatness; that is, the sociocultural expectation that women can and should "have it all"—a successful career, a loving partner, adoring children, and so on.
"People think, 'I only have so much time left. What am I doing with my life?'" says Skurtu. A woman may act out of character as she attempts to realize her potential and make up for lost time.
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An Underlying Condition
According to Block, depression and infidelity go hand in hand. "[An affair is] exciting, so much so that the brain can begin to pump out dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin—neurotransmitters we produce when we’re attracted to someone, but which, not so coincidentally, are the same chemicals produced when we take antidepressants," he says. In other words, a woman who cheats could be self-medicating through their infidelity, even if they don't realize the true reason behind their pleasure.
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Few acts of infidelity are premeditated, asserts Skurtu, but rather a result of an unexpected opportunity. "They feel down and another person in a similar boat crosses their path. They start commiserating and then it moves on from there," she adds. People in this situation usually can't explain the reason behind their infidelity. "It sort of just happens, even though, really, there are specific moments of truth that can make or break the potential affair."
Similar opportunities exist in the digital realm, too. Social media, dating apps, and texting have revolutionized the ease at which we can connect with others, sometimes serving as a springboard for affairs—even if the interactions start innocently.
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Numbing Difficult Feelings
People can develop a wide variety of coping mechanisms to deal with difficult emotions, sometimes choosing strategies that have emotionally numbing effects as an easier option than facing them. Sex, drugs, alcohol, and other addictions or compulsive behaviors are just a few examples.
"An affair is an escape from reality," says Skurtu. "[When] women struggle to be honest about what they want with their partners and instead seek out a fantasy world that not only numbs but creates an amazing jolt to the system, there's an adrenaline rush to cheating. "
"The first way to proceed here is raw honesty between the partners about what they want and need to be happy," suggests Skurtu. "The more real and honest, the more they will start to be authentic and feel their feelings again."
What to Do If Your Partner Wants an Open Relationship
Brides takes every opportunity to use high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial guidelines to learn more about how we keep our content accurate, reliable and trustworthy.
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ORC at the University of Chicago. The General Social Survey,
Scheeren PA, Apellániz IAM, Wagner A. Marital Infidelity: The Experience of Men and Women. Temas Psicol. 2018;26(1):355-369
PsyPost. Middle-aged women missing passion (and sex) seek affairs, not divorce. Updated Aug. 17, 2014
Psychology Today. Who Is Likely to Be Unfaithful, and Why? Updated Nov. 5, 2013
Russell VM, Baker LR, McNulty JK. Attachment insecurity and infidelity in marriage: do studies of dating relationships really inform us about marriage? J Fam Psychol. 2013 Apr;27(2):242-51. doi: 10.1037/a0032118.
10 Reasons That Reveal Why Women Cheat on Their Partners
“Around 45% of women in a relationship cheat on their partners, versus 60% of men”, says psychologist and couples therapist Dr. Lonnie Barbach.
So both men and women do cheat. But why are men more easily perceived as cheaters while cheating women might escape the notice?
Do women cheat more than men? Well, for one, women are better at cheating and hiding it from their men. Cheating men are likely to get caught, whereas cheating females are rarely discovered. But the more important question is, ‘Why do women cheat?’
Also, sometimes, the man who has lots of sex is admired, while the woman who has lots of recreational sex is despised and perceived negatively.
Nonetheless, women do cheat. But why do women cheat? What are their main reasons for infidelity? In this book, Esther Perel, a psychotherapist, discusses different perspectives on infidelity.
Also, watch this insightful video on types of infidelity:10 reasons that reveal why women cheat on their partners
Why do women cheat? Married women who cheat may have some concrete reasons to do so.
So why still be in a relationship? Well, it is because humans generally have a strong need for security. They want and need a secure relationship.
Other times women do it for the same reason that men do:
- Breaking up is hard even when they have unmet physical needs in marriage.
- They would rather cheat and remain in a relationship than break the news and do it the hard way.
The reasons why women cheat on their men are different from the motives that drive men to be unfaithful. Below are some of the most common reasons women cheat on their significant others.
You might be surprised about some of these reasons for female infidelity.1. She is emotionally vulnerable
When women feel vulnerable, they start desperately searching for the strength and reassurance a partner can offer. If a guy makes a move at this time, he might be able to sleep with her that very night. That answers why women cheat on their husbands.
Make sure your woman feels safe and secure with you. In this way, she is much less likely to look for strength and reassurance elsewhere.2. Money is significant to her
Is she really loving you, or with you just for your money? Why do married women cheat?
Some women are true gold diggers. They care more about the money you have and the entertainment you can provide than she cares about you. One of the most common reasons married women cheat could be their gold digger tendencies.
It’s pointless to hold on to such a woman because these women cheat on their husbands, invariably. There will always be men with more money, and she will keep doing the same thing repeatedly.
Related Reading: 20 Warning Signs of a Gold Digger and How to Deal With One3. She can cheat because she is in a relationship crisis
She thinks she has a relationship crisis. But the truth is that not every moment of the relationship will be full of romantic sparks and sexual tension. Often if a woman is sexually bored in a relationship, she is more likely to make sexual transgressions.
Every relationship has ups and downs and is a part of the game. The challenge is to stick together and work things out.
But for her, she might just take the easy route and tell herself she deserves it. That is one of the reasons why women have affairs when their relationship hits choppy waters.4. She meets someone who makes her feel good
I am sure you know them. Those strong-looking guys with their charm and smooth talk. It is not uncommon for an unhappy married woman to fall for these men.
They fall for compliments and the flirty behavior of these men.
What starts as ‘just having fun’ might quickly turn into more than just casual fun. That explains why women have affairs instead of staying within the confines of cloistered walls.
There is a section of people curious about why married women flirt and what her intentions are behind doing this.
Some married women are unwilling to enter a real-life, full-fledged affair.
To them, engaging in a little, seemingly innocuous flirting is a mildly intoxicating experience. It is a fleeting feeling of excitement that a moment of flirtation provides. These are not the women looking for an affair.5. She feels her sexual needs are not fulfilled
Some women feel this entitles them to cheat on their partners. They want their sexual desires to be fulfilled, despite their loving partner.6. She is confused about her feelings
Sometimes she cannot stop talking about how good you are, while other times she cannot stop complaining about you. When another man swoops in at the right moment, he can quickly turn your woman against you and win her for himself.7. She gets emotional support from him
Women want to be understood. They need emotional support. And if you can’t give it to her, she will find it elsewhere.
Sometimes a shoulder to lean on becomes a bed to sleep on.
As such, you must be mentally and emotionally available for her. So that both of you can get emotional support from each other, besides communication, this is one of the bedrock of a healthy relationship.
Related Reading: 15 Ways to Improve Emotional Support in Your Relationship8. She cannot resist the temptation
How would you react if cute girls would hit on you everywhere you go?
Women are almost constantly being hit on. It is not so strange that she might cave in at some point, so why women cheat could be due to their propensity to give in to the temptation.9. When her partner does not have time for her
Women need affection and non-sexual emotional interaction. If you are too busy, she starts feeling neglected.
As a result, she might go looking for emotional interaction elsewhere.
Always make time for each other.
It’s a good habit to have at least one evening a week for each other, and only each other. See it as a date night, just like you used to do when you were still trying to win her heart.10. Her needs are not being met
When a woman feels that something is lacking in her relationship – and she knows she cannot get it through that relationship – she might decide to look for it elsewhere. That is common for most women who cheat.The takeaway
It can be hard for men to understand why women cheat, irrespective of the psychological effects of infidelity or a deep dive into married women cheating.
But in the end, everybody has their reasons for the actions they perform. So, for men reading on why do wives cheat, it is essential to take good care of your woman, dedicate your time and energy to her and make sure you know her needs.
Those are the basic ingredients for keeping her happy and staying together while hopefully tossing out women’s infidelity.
7 reasons why women cheat: from bad sex to self-esteem problems
Who cheats more often - men or women? Ha ha, you say, men of course! Statistics and truth from decade to decade confirms the main weakness of the stronger sex. Surveys conducted by researchers at Boston University as part of a large-scale project to study family relations found that, on average, 20% of men have cheated on their significant other at least once, compared with 13% of women.
However, in an American study in 2018, psychologists found a nuance: the infidelity of ladies in the age group of 18-29 years outdid the male. Adult women, as it turned out, are not up to adultery, while restless men continue to do this, increasing the gap in the score.
Another indicator that has long determined the sex differences in adultery is the causes of rampant behavior. It is believed that men are more likely to cheat for the sake of sexual diversity, and women - because of dissatisfaction with the relationship. An update of the Boston University polls published by experts this year eliminates the usual difference. These days, the gender gap in infidelity has all but disappeared: men and women cheat for similar reasons and with the same enthusiasm.
It is interesting to know the opinion of experts on why women increase the activity of cheating. What are they, in the sense, we? And where will the trend for boudoir adventures lead us in general? Here is what psychologists say, explaining the reasons for what is happening. First of all, women cheat...
1. Sex for the sake of sex
If someone convinces you that men cheat for carnal pleasures, and women because of romantic foreplay, laugh in the face of the ridiculous translator of medieval ideas. “Women, like men, value good sex and can easily become unfaithful to whoever turns them on,” says New York-based sex therapist Tammy Nelson. “A study published last winter in the Journal of Sex Research confirms once again that most men are seduced into infidelity out of a craving for diversity, but a thirst for experimentation also tops the list of causes of female infidelity.”
2. Dissatisfied with relationships
In the same study, the second most popular reason was revealed: women cheat because they are not happy with the one who is next to them. The one who is married, with whom they live or have a long romance. Even if love is still glimmering, a woman who is tired of current relationships (quarrels, boredom, domestic troubles, financial problems) will look for an object for flirting on the side. A love affair adds adrenaline to life - women of any age and status will confirm this.
3. Impulsive act on emotions
Reason number three - something went wrong. Circumstances arose, the mood coincided, and the woman gave herself up to the situation, which she would later justify to herself and her friends as: “it was a mistake.” “Sometimes there is no other meaning to an affair than an opportunity that a woman could not or did not want to miss at the moment,” adds Dr. Nelson. “Everyone makes mistakes, and even happy married women can act impulsively or out of revenge and regret it later.”
4. Lack of emotional intimacy with a partner
Physical or emotional intimacy are basic needs that we as social beings naturally desire to satisfy. If a woman does not get enough intimacy in a current relationship, and someone is around who is ready for this very intimacy, the chances of a mutual attraction increase significantly. “A survey from our university determined that women engage in side contacts with more sensual feedback than men. Lust for intimacy and romance are exculpatory aspects of female infidelity,” explains Boston University psychologist Alison Hardy.
5. To feel wanted
Both women and men cheat because they want to feel like an object of love and adoration. “The lack of attention in a relationship pushes a woman into the arms of another, in words and deeds confirming his love for her. It's hard to ignore attentions, compliments and genuine passion, no matter the family values and the seriousness of the relationship in which she is, ”says Nelson.
6. Low self-esteem
Low self-esteem can also motivate a woman to look for feelings on the side, says Alison Hardy. “If a partner is stingy with approval, but unreasonably generous with criticism, the accumulated need for love and understanding will sooner or later force the woman to seek outside support. Even if she is used to neglecting her own desires, the subconscious will find a way to remind her that she deserves more, and fate will throw a meeting with someone who is ready to see all the good that is in her.
7. They want a divorce
Sometimes cheating is a hidden manifestation of the fact that a woman is ready to end an existing relationship, but finds it difficult to announce her decision. Such behavior is unfair to the partner, although it is understandable from a psychological point of view. Tammy Nelson also notes that sometimes cheating expresses an urgent need for change in current relationships.
“Change is destructive, but does not necessarily mean the end of the couple, and sometimes it provides an impetus for change for the better,” says the sex therapist. - Events can develop in two scenarios: divorce without protracted efforts or acceptance of existing problems and working together to solve them. If you love each other and want to be together, in time you will rebuild trust, and your bond will grow stronger through these trials.”
- Love and sex
Experts told why women change and how to prevent
Moscow, Mar 7 - RIA Novosti. The behavior of a woman's parents and girlfriends, as well as her reaction to films in which the wife is unfaithful to her husband, can betray a predisposition to looking for relationships on the side, psychologists and sexologists say. On the eve of International Women's Day, experts told RIA Novosti how to prevent the betrayal of a beloved woman and whether it is possible to restore relations if she nevertheless embarked on a "crooked path".
Thirst for change
According to the family psychologist, candidate of psychological sciences Irina Obukhova, the word "betrayal" already implies a desire to change something in life, if something does not suit a person.
"He wants to change something in his life, but he is afraid to do it. So he tries to get in touch at the level of flirting on social networks, views at work, and so on," she said.
According to the doctor-sexologist, psychotherapist, president of the professional association of sexologists Yevgeny Kulgavchuk, each person understands in his own way what treason is.
"Indeed, for some man, the correspondence of his wife with a classmate will be a betrayal. The woman herself may also think so, and the other may not think at all that she is cheating in this way," the doctor noted.
He recalled that some women like to repeat the saying "the husband ate too many pears."
"This shows the emotional insignificance of this husband, and psychologically the woman considers herself free for love. Often this happens in formal marriages," said the sexologist.
According to Obukhova, the motives of male and female cheating are somewhat similar. First of all, it is boredom, a feeling of dissatisfaction, resentment and compensation for betrayal on the principle of "I will answer you the same."
"But for a woman there should be a solid reason for cheating when something fundamentally doesn't suit her in a companion. However, if a man cheats, he doesn't do it because he wants to change something, he often needs passions. And a woman subconsciously looking for changes, she wants warmth and affection, which is not enough," she explained.
Kulgavchuk added that, as a rule, women are driven to cheat by a feeling of underestimation, emotional emptiness, as well as a desire for a fleeting passion and adventure.
"Many other reasons can be added: from a desire for revenge to condescension out of pity. There are fewer motives for male infidelity. As a rule, this is a search for new sensations and a search for recognition," he said.
To find out if the woman you love has a predisposition to cheating, you first need to look at her parents, the expert believes.
"Then look at your girlfriends, because whoever you mess with is what you'll get," added Kulgavchuk.
The doctor also advises to watch films with similar scenarios together, then pay attention to the emotions and statements of the beloved woman when discussing the film.
"Often, men at the reception ask me a question, how to guarantee the absence of female infidelity? I answer that everything is simple here: you need to love a woman and make her fall in love with you, feeling and surprising her, it is important to take care of her. You also need to respect her, be able to talk heart to heart with her, pamper and protect. Truly in love women who know how to love, as a rule, do not cheat, "he concluded.
Punctures of a traitor
According to Kulgavchuk, there are no clear signs that you are being cheated on. However, several worrisome points can be identified.
"As a rule, this is an emotional distance, the emergence of new interests, habits, tastes, a sudden attention to one's own appearance. Also, the appearance of new closed "islands of time", irritability and anxiety when a partner tries to pick up the phone or look at the contents of the mail. Transparency changes to defending the rights to personal time," he explained.
Obukhova also believes that absent-mindedness towards a man, inattention to his problems, can also indicate that a woman has relationships on the side.
"For example, she often asks how things are at work, but does not listen to the answer. Also, at first in the house, she becomes more playful, she sort of shifts her attitude from the man she likes to her husband. But soon this disappears ", the psychologist explained.
Understand and forgive?
According to Kulgavchuk, the ability to forgive betrayal depends on the age, experience, wisdom of a particular person.
"If it's appreciated, it's worth forgiving. Otherwise, you just might not find a mate. Anything can happen in life. It's important to be able to draw conclusions. And in a crisis period, don't continue to blame, but try to understand," he said.
The doctor also emphasized that it is definitely not worth telling the details of infidelity to your spouses. After such revelations, many people cannot sleep peacefully, torturing themselves.
"You need to understand the causes of adultery not in the kitchen in nightly vigils with alcohol, which sometimes end in beatings or murders, but in the office of a sexologist," he noted.
According to Obukhova, casual relationships on the side that do not continue can both positively and negatively affect the future of a family, a couple.
"If a relationship is in the air in a couple, then betrayal will only push for parting. You can consider going to the side as an element of novelty, which supposedly strengthens the marriage. But I am against this, because any betrayal is based on the phrase "we have no irreplaceable" "This is a depreciation of a partner. But if the relationship is strong enough, then betrayal can be accepted and forgiven," she believes.
Kulgavchuk also admits that cheating can be good for the relationship, but it all depends on how the spouses use the situation.
"Often as homework, I recommend that patients watch the film Love and Doves. The ending of the film, the scene on the raft, is very important there. Couples break up more often not because of the betrayal episode itself, but because they did not use this a chance for renewal, but continued to make the same mistakes, adding jealousy, scandals and distrust," he explained.