12 steps for codependents
Codependents Anonymous - 12-Step Codependency Support Group
Written by: American Addiction Centers Editorial Staff
Edited by: Kindra Sclar
Last updated on July 18, 2022
What is Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA)?
1- A 12-step recovery program.
- Designed to help people develop functional, healthy relationships.
- The only membership requirement is to want loving relationships and move beyond personal histories.
Patterns of a Codependent
Instead of telling you that you are a codependent, CoDA has a list of personality patterns found in people who have the addiction.
There are different patterns of the various ways codependency can affect you, including the following:
- Denial patterns.
- Low self-esteem patterns.
- Compliance patterns.
- Control patterns.
- Avoidance patterns.
It is up to you to read through the different patterns and determine whether or not you have a codependency issue. The hardest part is being completely honest with yourself when going through the list.
The Codependent’s Recovery Program
CoDA is a fellowship of people who seek healthy relationships. CoDA therapy relies upon a set of 12 steps for recovery. They help members to develop positive relationships with themselves and others. Members are encouraged to build a relationship with a higher power, which does not have to be God.1
The 12 Steps are:1
- We admitted we were powerless over others – that our lives had become unmanageable.
- Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
- Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
- Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
- Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.
- Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
- Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
- Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
- Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
- Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
- Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.
- Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other co-dependents, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
In the Anonymous recovery programs, you work through the steps on your own and at your own pace. There is no right or wrong way concerning how you work through your recovery as long as you follow the steps.
A 12-step program is more of a support system than anything else.
The idea is that you should accept you have a problem, face it, and find a way to rectify it. You need to accept that there is a higher power you can turn to for help in finding a solution and in the healing process.
Many people partner with a sponsor as they work the CoDA recovery program. A sponsor is someone who has completed the steps and decided to help others through their recovery.
What is a CoDA Meeting?
There are 4 different types of CoDA meetings. Each one serves a specific purpose. You will know what type of meeting is coming up and can choose to attend based on your preferences. These types include:
- Speaker meetings take place with one person sharing experiences regarding the dependency. This person may or may not have completed the codependency program and have recovered to the point of going to meetings only to help others.
- Open share meetings are the most common. During these meetings, everyone has a chance to talk and share what they have done to overcome the addiction or how they have not been able to handle things well.
- Topic share meetings are intended to go over different aspects of the addiction recovery program. The group leader may decide it is time to discuss the 12 steps or explain how sponsorship works.
- Tradition study meetings focus on the way the CoDA recovery program is designed to assist you in helping yourself.
In codependency programs, it is quite common for all meetings to end with at least one group member sharing. Usually, this will be someone who has made great strides toward the next step or has had serious problems since the last meeting.
People with a codependent addiction do not realize how they are harming themselves and quite possibly the person they are dependent upon.2 They may view your attempt to help as jealousy of what they have and turn away from you entirely. It will be up to you to keep trying to help without pushing them away. Do not be afraid to reach out for professional assistance to help your friend or loved one.
Receive 24/7 text support at your convenience with American Addiction Centers.
Our team is well prepared to advise on all things treatment and help you find the care you need. We’ve helped thousands recover from addiction and we can help you too. You can contact AAC for free at . You can also check your insurance coverage online now to determine whether your insurance provider will cover rehabilitation.
12 Steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous
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- Co-Dependents Anonymous
The following are the 12 Steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous, often abbreviated as CoDA. Co-Dependents Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships. The only requirement for membership is a desire for healthy and loving relationships.
For the steps below, you can click on the More about.
.. button to read comments from books and websites about that step, or click on the People Working ... button to read about or hear people working the given step, or click on the Videos about... button to see videos about the given step.
You can also read a summary of the CoDA program in our directory site.
More about Step 1 Videos about Step 1 People Working Step 1
We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.
More about Step 2 Videos about Step 2 People Working Step 2
Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
More about Step 3 Videos about Step 3 People Working Step 3
Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
More about Step 4 Videos about Step 4 People Working Step 4
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
More about Step 5 Videos about Step 5 People Working Step 5
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.
More about Step 6 Videos about Step 6 People Working Step 6
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
More about Step 7 Videos about Step 7 People Working Step 7
Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
More about Step 8 Videos about Step 8 People Working Step 8
Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
More about Step 9 Videos about Step 9 People Working Step 9
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
More about Step 10 Videos about Step 10 People Working Step 10
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
More about Step 11 Videos about Step 11 People Working Step 11
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.
More about Step 12 Videos about Step 12 People Working Step 12
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other codependents, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Getting Out of a Co-Dependent Relationship: 12 Essential Steps
If your self-worth depends on your partner's approval, and their emotions and actions are always more important than yours, your relationship may be co-dependent. “Codependency is “an unhealthy, inadequate, or dangerous need for another person; I would argue that these relationships are dominated by fear and need instead of love and abundance,” says Andrea Miller, author of Radical Acceptance: The Secret to Happy and Lasting Love.
Co-dependent relationships are often built with people who have some form of addiction - alcohol, drugs, gambling. A 12-step program has been developed for addicts and their families. What are these steps and why are they so important?
1 step. Admit your powerlessness
As long as the codependent is responsible for the dependent person, tries to save him, he loses control over his own life. The addict (alcohol, drugs, games) admits to being powerless over the chemical or games to begin recovery. And a person suffering from emotional dependence on another (that is, co-dependent) needs to admit at the very beginning of his path his powerlessness in the face of an obsessive desire to control the life of another and influence his choices and decisions. Even if these choices and decisions destroy the life of a loved one.
2 step. Be Honest
Just as a person who abuses alcohol can pretend to himself that he drinks “culturally”, so a co-dependent person can pretend that his involvement in the life of another person is a genuine concern.
In fact, the codependent gets hung up on the other from the inability to be alone, to cope with what he has inside. It is always easier to pretend that everything is fine with me, but the problems of my loved ones are much more serious.
3 step. Ask for help
Having admitted that he is unable to control the situation with the power of his own “I”, the codependent (in the same way as the dependent) thus recognizes the presence of another, decisive force that keeps him afloat and does not allow his personality to completely dissolve in the near (in addicts - in alcohol / drugs / games). The source of this power is determined individually - someone is healed by faith in God, someone visits groups for co-dependents, and some believe in the knowledge of psychotherapists who take part in their fate.
4 step. Get away from mythological thinking
Codependents often ignore problems and pretend they don't exist. Facing reality is scary and they pretend like the circumstances aren't as bad as they are.
Likewise, substance addicts deny for a very long time that their substance cravings have become a real problem, without considering it necessary to seek help. It is necessary to focus on finding support and resources that will help you accept reality, maintain your integrity and withstand the harsh reality of the world.
5 step. Learning to identify and live with your feelings
The inability to deal with difficult feelings (such as anger, hatred, anger, guilt, shame, etc.) often becomes the impetus for escaping reality into drinking and drugs or games. Then dependence is a consequence of the inability to recognize, live and express their emotions. A person who is dependent on another person does not live his life at all and does not know his feelings. He also does not know how to deal with them, cannot cope with them, and therefore it is easier for him to switch to another, to escape into the reality of his life.
6 step. Set boundaries
Normal boundaries are semipermeable.
People share with each other the contents of their inner world, this is a mutual and comfortable process for everyone. But in codependents, boundaries are violated. They may blame others for their thoughts, feelings, and actions, or they may take the blame for the thoughts, feelings, and actions of another person. A recovering person after using chemicals learns to say “no” to alcohol or drugs, to recognize the manipulation of former drinking buddies, to maintain self-respect regardless of the opinions of others. And a dependent on another person learns to say “no” to what does not suit him, does not correspond to his values and interests.
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