Will i ever get over my husbands affair
My Spouse’s Affair Consumed Me For Many Years
By Jodie Utter
June 25, 2021
I write frequently about surviving infidelity in my marriage — in part, because my husband’s workplace affair was made public via our local news and social media. As such, our friends, family and community found out about his indiscretion at the same time I did. So the perceived gag order (adding insult to emotional injury by keeping the hurt stuffed inside) that so often seems to be in place for the offended half of a couple trying to recover from unfaithfulness … didn’t apply to me.
While at first the public nature of my husband’s affair seemed too big a burden to carry while trying to heal from the worst emotional trauma of my life, I quickly realized using my voice to tell my story could help others walking through the same flames I was made to — especially those with no one else to talk to.
As a result of writing and publishing my experience with betrayal over the last few years, I receive a plethora of private messages and emails from people who are battling back from infidelity. One of the questions I’m asked the most is, “Will this pain ever go away?”
People who’ve been cheated on want to know if they’ll ever be able to stop replaying the confession, the discovery and/or the details of the affair in their head. They wonder if they’ll ever feel fully healed. They’re concerned they’ll never be able to trust again or feel like anything but a shell of their former selves.
My answer is you will absolutely heal from the pain of betrayal. You will eventually be able to stop replaying hurtful events that bring you misery. And there will come a day when the affair and its unsettling aftershocks won’t consume your every waking thought. IF you want that outcome, that is.
For there’s a certain payoff to staying steeped in pain for a time. Pain and suffering, after all, are two of the best teachers you’ll ever have. I’ve come to believe that once they arrive in your life, both tend to linger until you acquiesce to learning whatever it is they came to teach you.
I’m five years out from the onset of my marriage trauma and the pain and uncertainty of it all no longer consume me. I can hear an infidelity joke or watch a movie involving an affair without going back to that dark, suffocating place I once felt stuck in while I was healing. I can get angry at my husband for something unrelated to his unfaithfulness without feeling the need to dredge it all up again or throw it in his face.
I arrived at a place of full-enough healing — where the twin tutors of prolonged pain and suffering finally deigned to depart — in part, because my husband owned his behavior, 100 percent. He took full responsibility for the choices he made and expressed sincere remorse and heartfelt apology. He indicated the desire to change his behavior and coping skills — and then actually did so.
We went to couples counseling together, where we laid everything between us bare and we didn’t stop going until there was nothing left to talk over and no further action steps toward healing left to incorporate into our relationship.
My husband was patient with me and the number of times I needed to review what had happened and why, even though it was challenging for him to revisit his past behavior, again and again. We put God back in the center of our marriage, where he belongs, so he can help preserve it.
Ultimately, we weren’t able to stay in our marriage, though. We’d both neglected it for too long, thus it wound up decaying and crumbling. But we were able to stay with each other and start a brand new marriage together. We chose to make and keep new, more meaningful-to-us vows to each other — to love each other with action, for no reason and no conditions — and to give only each other our first and best from now on.
Recovering from an affair and staying with a spouse who has cheated takes an all-in approach and attitude from both parties — just one can’t undertake the grueling and uncertain work of repair on their own. While this truth seems like a no-brainer, what is surprising to me is that my staying and us healing together is what brought me to the realization that I could’ve left and healed on my own eventually, as well.
Whether you choose to stay or go after an affair isn’t what your future healing depends on. It depends on you — on you realizing that though you may have played a role in your marriage struggles, you didn’t deserve to be betrayed. On you coming to terms with the fact your spouse cheated because of what was going on in their head at the time, not because you weren’t young, thin, pretty, giving, worthy or anything else enough.
All humans let each other down in some way at some point, and none of those letdowns are reasons to have an affair. All such “reasons” are manifested within the mind of the person who decides to cheat. It’s learning this and coming to understand other truths about betrayal behavior that foster the healing you’re searching for.
You will absolutely heal and move past your betrayal — when you are ready to, and usually not a minute sooner.
About the Author
Jodie Utter is a freelance writer & creator of the blog, Utter Imperfection. An awkward dancer who’s tired of making dinner and can’t stay awake past nine, she flings her life wide open, telling her stories to connect pain to pain and struggle to struggle in hopes others will feel less alone inside their own stories and more at home in their hearts, minds, and relationships. You can connect with her on her blog, Utter Imperfection and on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter.
Jodie Utter is a freelance writer & creator of the blog, Utter Imperfection. An awkward dancer who’s tired of making dinner and can’t stay awake past nine, she flings her life wide open, telling her stories to connect pain to pain and struggle to struggle in hopes others will feel less alone inside their own stories and more at home in their hearts, minds, and relationships. You can connect with her on her blog, Utter Imperfection and on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter.
I can't get over my husband's affair | Life and style
I have discovered that my husband had a five-year affair with a work colleague, which has now ended. He seemed to be able to compartmentalise his life in a way I can't begin to understand: he went straight from our bed to hers and, once, he came home to celebrate our wedding anniversary directly from her place.
After much soul-searching by both of us, our marriage seems to be reborn. My husband has retired and has become more loving and caring of me. He has successfully blotted out what happened and is genuinely surprised and hurt that I am not able to do the same. I do try, and we have many happy times, but I fear some things cannot be changed. Nevertheless, I know I have to deal with my feelings or risk spoiling our future together. How can I do this?
Try to forgive him
It is perfectly natural that you feel this way. However, you need to ask yourself some important questions. Do you still love your husband? Have you realistically considered how you would feel about life without him?
We often forget how differently men and women's brains work. He appears to have forgiven himself, which suggests that perhaps the affair didn't hold as much importance to him as you may imagine. Perhaps you are dwelling on the details and imagining some great love affair. You are correct to fear that "some things cannot be changed"; the fact he had an affair cannot disappear.
Nevertheless, he must try to understand how you feel and be prepared to reassure you. You say that he has become more loving and caring of late; perhaps this is his way of giving you the security and reassurance that you need. You need to work on forgiving your husband on a basic level; try not to delve too deeply into the whys and wherefores.
You will never forget, but if you are to save your marriage - and your sanity - then you must cherish the happy times and throw yourself back into your marriage with gusto. You have written this letter, so you must believe there is something in this union worth saving.
Ignorance is bliss
The only way for you to deal with your feelings is to stop dwelling on the past. This is not easy to do, but you should start the process by not talking about it, to avoid threatening your marriage now.
Your husband has not blotted anything out, but simply does not talk about an affair he must have happy memories of. The five-year liaison did not harm your marriage precisely because you weren't aware of it. From my past experience of being on both sides in this situation, ignorance is bliss.
Name and address withheld
Seek wider horizons
My husband had a long affair with a married work colleague, which ended at my insistence when I discovered the liaison, five years ago. We had been married for almost 40 years and she was a younger woman. They travelled together for their jobs and my own work at the time took me away from home several nights a week, which gave them the opportunity.
When he told her that it was over and had meant nothing, he expected that I could put it in the past, as he was doing; he couldn't understand that finding out was the beginning of my realisation that we didn't share the same view of our marriage. I was appalled that lying to me and cheating on me had come so easily to him. I resented the time and money he had spent on her.
Psychologists say that the only healthy attitude to a betrayal is to forgive and forget. I find this difficult. We have stayed together because divorce at our stage in life is an expensive, no-win situation. He also claims he loves me. I do not trust him and my situation now allows me to accompany him when he goes away - he knows why I do this.
Before finding out about the affair, I had always been an emotional person; keeping a journal has helped me to explore my feelings. I know that I am much less vulnerable to emotions after what has happened and I do not invest all my feelings into relationships with family members. Working in a professional capacity for a charity has extended my activities after retirement, giving me a focus and enhancing my self-esteem. I am no longer so emotionally dependent on my husband.
After researching her symptoms on the internet, my son believes that his girlfriend has histrionic personality disorder, but she refuses to seek help. Her behaviour is irrational and she is sometimes violent. She has threatened him with a knife and has also threatened to kill him. She enters uncontrollable rages, like a Jekyll and Hyde character. When he tries to talk to her about it, she gets angry, abusive, depressed, violent and upset, all at the same time.
He met her abroad and relations between them were already bad before they returned to the UK 18 months ago. I advised him not to let her move into his flat, but due to her depression and isolation, he felt he had no alternative. He loves her, but finds the situation intolerable and would like her to move out. However, she will not leave willingly.
I worry that my son has become demoralised and I fear for his safety. Is there anything I can do? So far I have offered advice only when asked.
· Private Lives appears every Thursday. Each week we publish a letter to which readers are invited to respond. Replies should reach us by Tuesday. Readers are also welcome to propose other problems, of around 250 words in length. Write to: Private Lives, The Guardian, 119 Farringdon Road, London EC1R 3ER. Alternatively, fax 0207-713 4366 or email [email protected] (please do not send attachments).
Read online "Romance with a Husband", Yana Polunina - LitRes
Almost all love stories are built on the relationship of the heroine with a new man, the fate of the old objectionable husband is the disposal of rotten bones with a crunch.
In today's world, building other relationships, even with children, is not a problem. There are no longer those labels of divorcees, sidelong glances and pointing fingers.
Second marriage, third... As many attempts at happiness as you like!
Love stories always end on a peak note, when the two are absolutely happy. But what happens then after "lived long and ..."? nine0005
Romantic stories are wisely silent about this.
Why? And who is interested in running in a circle? Because everything repeats over and over again, as if a blueprint. The same problems pop up like mushrooms after rain. We choose the same type of people, make the same mistakes, behave in exactly the same way. So why should the outcome change?
A huge number of women passively endure in marriage for the sake of children, not wanting to change the awl for soap.
But Nadya took a different path…
“This seems to be the end,” I frankly told Ira. - I can’t even look at my husband - it infuriates me! I didn’t think that I would feel better alone with two children than with him.
- Don't hurry! You're just tired! – in the eyes of a friend flashed sympathy and misunderstanding.
I considered Ira a free bird, and she considered me an example. We both wanted each other's lives. I am her carefree free, fluttering, and she is my family, smelling of tops washed with baby shampoo, muffins and a warm, warm bed. nine0005
- Tired? Not that word! I despaired! - I snorted into the tea, and he repaid me with spitting in the face. Like life itself: the more dissatisfied I was, the more spit I got.
Tea, because I couldn't even afford a glass of wine - my husband let me go for the first time in six months for a couple of hours, and then by car. A small outing, a joy for the soul! It’s just that the brain seemed to have remained at home - all thoughts are there. Have the children eaten? Bought? Probably, he again scored on this matter and fell asleep right on the couch, and the small fry rushes around, breaking the house. nine0005
Don't hurt yourself...
- You need to rest, and everything will sparkle with new colors! Ira removed my hand from the phone. And put your cell phone away! It's like you're not here! We only talked on the phone for six months, we saw each other for the first time, and you are all there! Look: we got out to an awesome restaurant, but you can’t relax!
- Sorry, Ir! Tension is already a state of mind, - I looked up at my friend with a tired look, feeling empty inside: - No, nothing will play anymore. Dima will not change. The children are like only mine: if you ask for a diaper change, you will make such a face and sigh so much that it would be better not to ask! Nauseous! He sits in the toilet for two hours, goes out for twenty minutes and goes there again! You think that now is the day off, even though today it will take a small one in the morning, I’ll sleep at least a couple of hours ... Yeah, how! nine0005
- Well, that's a common problem! It's the men, Nagy! Now Yarik will grow up and everything will be fine! Ira stroked my hand.
She looked dazzling. No, I also took care of myself, but energy just gushed out of her. I felt like a rebellious zombie, a servant, a robot with a list of tasks for the day.
“No,” I shook my head. It's not just accumulated fatigue. You see, I don't like myself. What boils inside me corrodes like acid. Here Dima from a corporate party last week came to the insole drunk, then he slept all day - minus the weekend. I'm alone again. Or he went fishing with friends - “he’s tired!”, And there, as it turned out, a free Lech brought a girl with friends. And I can not appease the jealousy! And resentment! I yelled at him, although he called me a hundred times from there, and I'm sure there was nothing! But I couldn't stop myself, you know? I’m standing opposite, spitting bile, but I’m disgusted with myself! I'm not like that! nine0005
- You're tired! Ira repeated again. - You need to get out more.
– Yes, I was disappointed in him, you understand? He so wanted a second child, a boy, so what? To say “Hi!” after work, to do “goat-gore-gore” and that’s it? Can you tell me how my pregnancy went? His position is a snail in the house!
- You're pushing! You just put everything together... - my friend tried to cheer me up: - Let's do this: I'll talk to Dima, and we'll be with you for the weekend...
- Leave two children with him for two days?! - I was blown up on a powder keg: colorful pictures of the consequences flashed before my eyes. nine0005
– What will happen? This is their father! Iruka shrugged.
– Something is bound to happen! I confidently confirmed.
“Girls, forgive me for interrupting,” suddenly a woman in a formal dress turned to us from the next table. “I overheard by chance and recognized myself two years ago.
Questioning silence hung over the two tables.
– Eeeee? Ira asked impatiently.
- And lo! - the woman handed me a business card, on which it was written briefly:
“Ivan. Love Guru”
– Modestly! I remarked with a nervous laugh.
- When you talk, you will be both funny and hurt. He is special. If Vanya does not save your relationship, no one will! - said the stranger, getting up and holding out the card to the waiter, and then turned to me and winked: - Good luck! I believe in you!
“Hmm,” I drawled, about to crumple the business card.
- Try it! Ira said unexpectedly. - It won't hurt you, just call! What are you losing? nine0005
- Do you think so? – I doubtfully looked at the rectangle with the contacts.
The words sounded in my head: “If he doesn’t help you, no one will help you!”
Well, it's nice to transfer the responsibility for your life to someone else!
Who do you imagine when you hear the name Ivan? Ideally, a fair-haired man with light eyes and skin, but not a dark-skinned descendant of Indian blood, dark eyes and pitch hair!
With a suit as bright as the blue of the sky. Her hair is slicked back and shines cooler than many beauties. And the smile is so annoyingly understanding, as if he knows everything in the world. nine0005
My critical level was off the charts!
And what am I doing here? Why did you come? I’m wasting such precious time…
– The question is written in your eyes: “Why am I here, if I have already decided everything for myself?!” Ivan said with a smile on his face.
“So it is,” I did not play up.
We were sitting on a sofa in a rather cozy office on the second floor of the office center, and steaming cups of tea were on the table. The aroma from them was simply stunning! I'm sure that the guru of love does not make tea from bags! In that white teapot, loose-leaf tea with additives is definitely floating! I give you a tooth! nine0005
Do you like tea? It's special for me. Try it, and it will already turn out that you did not come in vain: you changed the situation and drank a drink with a new interesting taste!
- And what is the taste? - I liked how deftly Vanya gave a plus of my presence, and I warmed up a little to him. In the end, he is not to blame for the impasse where my marriage has gone. Since I've already come, and really, I'll drink tea, or something ...
- Honey and cumin! Sounds intriguing, right?
“Oh…” I drawled doubtfully. - Strange combination. And I don't really like honey either. nine0005
- Try it. Honey is here for warmth. When I drink such tea, warmth spreads in my chest, as if I ended up in a carefree childhood, where you are taken care of, and you are not the only one raking up an endless mountain of problems.
Mountain of problems? Never-ending? This is about me!
“Hmm…” I reached out to the cup and took a sip. - Mmm! Yummy! And how unusual!
- There you go! There is already one "unfortunate" thing.
Such a polished man and such a word - no pity. Probably, it was from that moment that I developed sympathy for him. No bragging, no ambition, no distance. And even uses such words, for which you can grab famously critics! nine0005
– Would you like another one? Vanya asked, taking a sip and contagiously closing his eyes in pleasure.
I even repeated after him and for the first time I felt how the tension inside was releasing a little. After all, if I forget about the children for a little, just for a few minutes, I will not become a terrible mother, right?
- Not sorry? I asked, deciding to tease the love guru a little.
- Uh-huh! - Vanya hummed in a completely friendly way.
And again I couldn't help smiling.
- Come on. I like your "no regrets"! nine0005
– She is very nice! You make sure that your husband loves you!
I almost choked on my tea from surprise and put the cup on the table.
“You know, I think that there is anything between us but this word,” I said sadly. - Just not love.
– Has the honey turned to tar in your mouth? Vanya suddenly asked, and I closed my eyes in surprise.
“Yes,” I agreed with a sad laugh. - Exactly. Seems like this thread can mess up anything. You know, maybe we'll have some tea and leave without touching her? Then the taste of a wonderful drink will not deteriorate? nine0005
- Easy! But do you really not want to know the truth? the guru shrugged, taking a loud sip of tea.
I hesitated, following my new acquaintance with my eyes.
- You know how to intrigue! I won't forgive myself later for not asking! - I understood. - Okay!
- Then answer three questions: Does your husband live at home with you? Coming home from work on time? Sleeping with you?
I felt uncomfortable and was ready to release the needles, but still answered:
- Then the answer to the question of whether he loves you is yes! - Ivan said and poured himself another mug of tea.
I looked at the guru of love, waiting, but he drank tea and said nothing more.
– And… is that all? A huge question mark swirled around in my head.
- Would you like to know more?
- Ah... More money, right? I chuckled knowingly, pursing my lips sternly.
- No! the guru calmly retorted, shrugging his shoulders. - Just say: Vanya, I want to know why! nine0005
- Vanya, I want to know why! - I got such a good anger. Small, but strong and persistent, which did not allow her to leave now.
- Because everything is simple for men: if he is with you, if he wants to go home after work, if he shares a bed and wants you - he loves. No, no one can stop him. No children, no size 4 silicone breasts, no public condemnation.
- I have everything of my own! I burst out against my will. I couldn't keep quiet!
- Yeah, so the rest is no problem! laughed the guru of love. Although you don't agree with me. Therefore, I propose right now to analyze two unshakable situations that tell you the opposite. Will you accept the challenge or run away?
- Accept! - I understood that he had hooked me to stubbornness, but passion woke up in me.
I will prove to this relationship specialist that he is wrong about my family!
- Now I will tell you the story that shows best of all that I have no value for him! I said, feeling my mouth suddenly go dry. nine0005
“Listen,” calmly, without a hint of mockery, a man of Indian blood prompted a revelation.
- I endured my pregnancy very hard, and my husband worked the night shift and slept during the day. We hardly saw each other. And then a situation happened on the weekend: my parents came to visit us, and, quite unexpectedly for everyone, my father drank heavily and quickly got drunk. It was crazy for him to go somewhere in his car, and I asked Dima not to let that happen.
I got to the hardest part and cleared my throat. nine0005
- My stomach was just huge, it was hard even just to sit, and I decided to trust my husband and stay in the house. Minutes passed and he did not return. I persuaded myself not to go to the window, that Dima would control everything, decide everything, and yet I could not resist. Looked out...
I fell silent.
- And? What did you see there?
- How my father jumps behind the wheel, and my husband and mother stand behind and do nothing.
- And you couldn't stay where you were? - Ivan pushed me further, seeing my hesitation. And I seemed to have plunged into the events of three years ago. nine0005
– Yes, I ran as fast as I could. She blocked her father's path, almost throwing herself on the hood.
– Terribly nervous, huh?
- Terribly nervous! But what pissed me off the most was that my husband was standing behind me and yelling at me: “Step back, Nadya!” Go to the house! And I couldn’t move, because I was afraid that as soon as I left, my dad would definitely leave somewhere.
– What hurt you the most?
- That they couldn't manage without me again. That Dima stood aside. That he yelled at me, and did not worry about me and the baby and did not take me away from the car. nine0005
– What exactly did your husband say to you?
- When my father got out of the car, Dima came up to me and yelled that I was stupid. And that he had the keys to the car and dad would not have left anywhere. We had a big fight back then.
- And you concluded from all this that he does not love you, because . ..
- Because instead of yelling, he should have immediately come up to me and reassured me, explained that I was nervous for nothing. I could give birth right there! Yes, I gave birth a month earlier because of all the nerves! nine0005
“I'm sorry that you experienced such negative emotions,” the guru of love said to me unexpectedly. - But tell me, in your opinion, do you trust Dima?
- I trusted and received!
– And if you had stayed at home that day and didn’t look out the window, would the outcome of the situation have changed?
- No, it all ended with Dima taking his parents home in their car. This would have happened!
- Would you be in a quarrel? Would you be so nervous for your father, for yourself, for your child?
I blinked in confusion. And I couldn’t say anything, because I wanted to argue to the point of insanity, but I felt that here Vanya caught me right.
“We wouldn’t quarrel,” I squeezed out of myself, and then immediately stood up: “But in reality, all relationships are tested! He showed himself! All your care!
- Nadia, men and women are really different. Here you are in this situation, I'm sure, you managed to evaluate and think about everything: about your father, about your husband, about your child and even about your mother, about yourself. But men are more focused. Are you interested in peeping with one eye from a male point of view? nine0005
“Well…” I drawled, and then nodded. – What is there?
- How critical! Ivan smiled. - You asked Dima to resolve the issue with his father and he threw all his strength into the solution. Without coming into direct conflict with a drunk man, he seized the car keys and thereby protected his parents. He stood next to your mom, which shows that he was trying to calm her down as well. Your husband handled the situation remarkably, actually, because not having a fight with your father, I think, in that situation, oh, how difficult it was. And everything was under control exactly until you appeared ...
I digested what the love guru said and it scratched me a lot inside.
- Did it. And it wasn't enough for me. Probably, you think that I am very selfish, it's just that this is not the first case - it has accumulated.
- Why? We are all selfish to the core. Such is the nature of man. But in the situation you showed, the man was confident in your safety, and therefore did not budge. You yourself represented the greatest danger to yourself.
- Exactly! Why didn't he explain everything at once, didn't reassure?! He just doesn't care! nine0005
- When a man doesn't care, he will never babysit her parents so scrupulously. And your Dima was offended by the fact that you showed that you did not trust him at all. I'm sure he was just as hurt as you. You both hurt each other when you could have avoided it.
If I had stayed at home and really trusted Dima, would everything have been different? Is it so?
- Do you know, Nadia, what women look for in men?
- So what?
- They want to feel like behind a stone wall. nine0005
I thought about it, I wanted to object at first, but then I realized that any other desire will still be transformed into this “stone wall”: confidence in the future, reliability, fidelity, material stability, love.
- Do you know what men want?
- So what?
- For women to believe in them. For the one who does not just speak, but really believes in him with all her heart, the man is ready to move mountains!
A lump formed in my throat. I could admit to myself that I never recklessly believed in my husband. nine0005
Vanya's words stung painfully, touched the strings of the soul with the boot of truth, but I could not agree with everything that was said:
– I understand that you, as a man, shield your gender. And they are even right that I really did not believe in my husband. But how to believe, if a lot of situations have shown that you cannot rely on him?
Ivan listened attentively, and this cheered me up. I continued in the heat of the moment:
Trust does not come from nothing! Friends are tested in trouble! If they let you down, then you break off relations with them, right? I looked inquiringly at the guru, but did not wait for a nod. - What about your favorite? What's worse? How to trust when you have not passed the strength test? nine0005
- If you feed a child from a spoon and do not let him eat, then he will obediently open his mouth for a long time. So is a man - he will watch you superhero, and at the same time decompose from the inside, until he himself becomes disgusted with himself and he does not find the one who looks at him with admiration.
- Do not compare an adult man and a child. His personality has already formed! I just didn’t know what he was like ... - a bunch of experienced events flashed before my eyes.
- What is he like? - Vanya pushed me to the story. nine0005
– Optional, unreliable, unambitious, I began to list. He doesn't need anything! On weekends he drinks, goes to friends, thinks things out! What about children? Such long-awaited children are like strangers!
- You probably don't trust Dima with children either? So why would your spouse do anything when you don't even give a chance to show yourself, believing that you can do better?
– If I can do everything, then why do I need a man next to me at all?!
I was touched by Vanya's last words, outraged to the core. I jumped to my feet, feeling indignant, and loudly asked:
- Shouldn't psychologists be more tactful? Listen? Understand? Gently guide you to the right path?
This Vanya is wrong! Like the combination of his appearance and name!
“I am not a psychologist,” the man retorted calmly. “I don’t extract money from clients throughout the year from session to session, listening to their lives and drawing mugs in a notebook. I help and give guarantees. You are hurt because I touched a sore spot that has been inflamed for years. That's why you bounced off me - that's normal. Protective instinct. nine0005
- No! - I was bursting inside some kind of fever, I wanted to contradict, to convince him how wrong he was. - I just think that you are justifying men and trying to bend women!
- Not at all! My clients are self-sufficient and happy women. And you will be as soon as you cool down. Let's make a deal: either I'll save your marriage, or I'll create a great future for free.
- Free? I chuckled, strongly doubting the mannerisms of today's Robin Hoods.
This magic word doesn't work on me!
- Exactly! We'll even sign a contract!
– Agreement? She looked even more suspiciously at Ivan, wondering what he would slip me: what property would need to be signed off?
“Take it with you and study it at home,” the guru of love handed me a stack of white sheets with small lines. - If you agree, then sign two copies and call. I'll be waiting for you.
"Not likely!" I thought, but my hand reached for the papers itself. nine0005
I felt very strange when I was running away from the love guru's office. And only approaching the house, I realized what was gnawing me from the inside. It was a worm of guilt.
I returned home, opened the door with the key and quietly entered. From the nursery came the sounds of the apartment being taken apart and the cries of the Indians, which clearly signaled that everything was fine there.
A seven-year-old daughter, although she did not get along very well with her brother, who was one and a half, and the acceleration from boundless love to boundless hatred took every split second, but today everything was surprisingly peaceful. nine0005
The TV announcer's voice came from the audience, and I clearly imagined my husband lying down on the sofa, sleeping. I haven't seen it yet, but I'm already shaking!
I flew into the hall and froze in surprise when I saw an empty sofa.
Yeah, that means he's hiding from the kids in the toilet again!
But... no! The switch indicates that no one is there. The kitchen is also empty...
Has it really gone out?!
I flew into the nursery and froze on the threshold.
- Mom! - Masha and Yarik shouted in unison, rushing towards me. nine0005
Dima, on whose lap his son was sitting before, didn't even move - he was sleeping, leaning on the toy box, not noticing all this turmoil around him.
And I stood for a few seconds hugging the children and looking at my husband sleeping in an uncomfortable position. Is it possible to fix everything? Can we mend our relationship?
My husband was handsome - you have to admit it! Even a week of unshaven hair gave him charm. In those few moments, I seemed to be looking at him from the side. Well, it's good! But I have not succumbed to his charisma and charm for a long time. A stable job made him the envy of my friends, and nothing touched me inside for a long time. nine0005
As if frozen.
Here Dima jerked his hand in the air and, not sensing his son, got up abruptly, looking around.
- Ah, you came! - the husband immediately calmed down, the tension immediately disappeared from his face.
- You fell asleep! I reproached. - I asked you, just don’t sleep!
- I have everything under control! Masha woke me up if I was needed! Dima said calmly, getting up.
– When it would have happened, it would have been too late! Do you know how dangerous it is to leave a baby unattended at a year and a half? Yes, they have the same conservation instinct is almost at zero! nine0005
- He was under surveillance!
- A child of seven? Which one do you need to watch? I closed my eyes, trying to calm down, but it didn't help. I felt that I was starting to wind up again, angry at my husband.
And how can I fix this? And is it necessary?
- Yes, Mom! We have an agreement! - proudly said the daughter, looking into my eyes with a smile.
Masha was proud of the task she received from her father. And, in general, the children looked very happy, if not to prevaricate.
- Did you eat?
- Yarik ate the whole plate himself! – quite grinning, said the husband. And he looked at me expectantly, playing with his eyebrows.
- Adult fork! Dima pointedly added.
- But he's supposed to inject himself! Or poke yourself in the eye! My hands immediately went cold. I presented the whole picture in colors.
– Nadia, are you going to feed him with a spoon until he retires?
– We have a plastic baby fork!
- He did a great job as an adult! Stop babysitting him, he's a man! You should have seen with what pleasure he was crushing with the same fork as everyone else! I also told him that pasta in the form of spirals is machine parts, and he ate every single one! nine0005
“Well done…” I said dully, feeling confused.
- And mother was never called!
- Impossible! I didn't believe it. - He won't even let me go to the toilet without him, but here...
- Don't worry about him and everything will be fine, Nadya! As you can see, nothing happened! Masha, by the way, is a smart girl: she vacuumed, washed the dishes.
- But I asked you to wash! – I was indignant. – And the vacuum cleaner… Yes, I myself…
And then I realized that my daughter’s eyes were going out, and immediately corrected herself: she hugged Masha, stroked her head and kissed the top of her head:
- What a fine fellow you are! My assistant!
I looked down at the carpet and chuckled to myself: I knew it! It's like they didn't clean up!
Yarik immediately climbed into my arms and was capricious:
- Well, the man is over, now you can be a snot!
I frowned at my husband and went to the kitchen. A pile of dishes, washed somehow, was already waiting for me there.
- Look how good Masha is! came from behind.
– Double work! I snorted, making sure that Masha did not hear. nine0005
- Nadia, she's a girl! Train her to help you! You drove yourself!
– Wash and dust again anyway? What's the point? I turned to my husband, holding Yarik in my arms.
- Put it on! He's already big! Yes, Yari? Are you a man? - Dima took my son from my hands and put him on the floor: - Look, the magnet with the UAZ on the refrigerator is gone! Where is he?
My son got carried away looking for the lost girl, and I rolled up my sleeves.
- Let Masha wash the dishes. Once will wash badly, two, three. On the tenth everything will work out! nine0005
I was about to object, but I remembered Vanya's words and that I myself don't give my husband freedom of action to make him feel like a man.
She looked at her son, whom her husband constantly called that. But Dima seems to be projecting what is missing on Yarik. Diligently sculpts who he wants to be!
- Mom! Well, how did I wash it?! Masha flew into the room. Why did you turn on the water again?
- Excellent, daughter! I smiled. - I'll just rinse them once, otherwise they got dusty while standing, and that's it. nine0005
Masha ran away terribly pleased with herself, and her husband looked at me approvingly:
– See, it's easy! And that would have beaten off all the desire from the child!
Dima turned away, and I continued to look at my husband.
Didn't I also discourage him from wanting to be a man? Is it worth it to try and make a deal with the love guru?
At night I turned from side to side, tormented by thoughts. And with the dawn I decided - I'll try! Otherwise, I will regret it for the rest of my life!
- Here! - I handed Ivan two signed copies of the contract, but did not let go when he took it. nine0005
- Are you in doubt? The man smiled knowingly. - If you want, put it back in the bag, give it back when you are sure. And we'll start working.
– Without a contract?
“I am sure of myself,” the guru of love smiled. - And in you. So the rest is just a formality. You have arrived, which means you are ready. And being afraid is okay. I'm afraid of you, too, to be honest.
Are you? I didn't believe it.
- Of course! I'm not a soulless machine of sensory analytics. nine0005
I felt a little better, even though I knew our emotions were no match. My knees are shaking.
- Where do we start? I tried to cheer myself up, so I spoke first.
- Let's learn to rest. You need it first.
- What kind of vacation with two children, one of whom is one and a half? Moreover, I want to change my relationship with my husband, not my schedule.
– When you change, the world around you also changes. You will see and be surprised! Vanya assured. - Tell me, how many times have you left the house alone over the past six months? nine0005
This is the third time.
- That is, twice to me and once ...
- I sat with a friend in a cafe.
- You don't love yourself at all! Guru chuckled.
- No, I just love my children very much.
- But look: the need arose, and you were able to leave them, right? Who are they with now?
“With a friend,” I admitted. The second time I did not dare to ask my husband - I would definitely have suspected something.
- Do you think she can handle it? - tenaciously asked Vanya, and immediately hit the sore spot. nine0005
- Not sure. But I'm in touch, I've told everything, the food is ready, the first-aid kit too...
- Have you thought of everything?
- I tried.
- And do you manage to do everything around the house?
- At least I'm clean. I'm not ashamed of the house.
– Does your husband appreciate it? Sees cleanliness and comfort?
- You quickly get used to good things. He no longer sees anything. Only grumbles.
- Why is he grumbling. Share?
- That I have changed. That I'm only interested in TV shows and children, and I just relax watching for an hour, just to switch my brain! And then some bottles and a house in my head! nine0005
– Do you know that it was not a reproach, but a request for attention? And another indicator - you have gone headlong into the image of a good mom and forgot about the image of a happy wife.
- It's hard to be happy when you even go to the toilet in company.
- So let's change right now. I only ask: before you refuse and doubt, try it. After all, to understand whether an exotic frkut tastes good, you need to bite it off, right?
- Let's start moving towards the goal in small steps. I will show you that the most important thing in a family is not cooked pots of food and a house washed to a shine. This is a happy woman. And when a woman is happy, the whole family is happy! nine0005
- I doubt that children will be happy without food.
– Are your children and husband happy now?
At first I wanted to answer “Well, of course!”, especially about children, but then I remembered that my daughter was sad from a lack of attention, and my son ... it seems that he was generally born dissatisfied!
But is it possible to change something while the youngest is so small?
- They will! - without waiting for my answer, the guru continued: - There is one wonderful experiment that shows that the whole world lives perfectly without your active participation. Problems are solved by themselves, and children are much more independent. nine0005
- And what kind of experiment is this?
- A week of nothingness! – solemnly declared Vanya.
- I can't do nothing! Yes, my husband will kick me out!
- Will not kick you out! He will be happy! As are the children! And they will all take care of the issues themselves, because at this moment you will be free with them. Spend time with your spouse, with your eldest daughter, who, I'm sure, is jealous of a new family member. Unload yourself and your body will thank you!
- How do you imagine: the husband comes home from work, and I cook for him myself? nine0005
- No. Warn your family that you will have a week off. And look at the reaction. I think you will be very surprised by what you hear.
I really doubt that they will say something positive to me! But ... What the hell is not joking? Since I've already started, it's worth a try! Moreover, it sounds so tempting…
And it's only a week.
- Do you agree? Vanya extended his hand to me.
- I agree! I decided, shaking hands with the guru of love.
As soon as we shook hands with our contract, Vanya suggested:
- Shall we switch to "you"? Will we remove these extra social distances?
– With pleasure! – it seemed that this is the time.
- Excellent! So, Nagy, you need to hold out for the first two days! They will be the most difficult not only for you, but for the whole family. They will demand, beg, beg, blackmail, perhaps even break loose. After all, they are so used to having a wonderful you!
– I can already imagine what a hungry husband will say to me, – I rolled my eyes, recalling the phrases I had somehow dropped that touched my heart: “Are you tired of sitting at home?” nine0005
- Let him say whatever he wants. He, I'm sure, has no particular doubts about your consent when he says: I need to fix the car, buy parts, take it to the service. Or: I'll go fishing for a couple of days to chat with friends, Sanyok/Valek/Oleg is celebrating his birthday, but I can't help but show up? Heard something similar?
- Yes, all the time. His interests are always guarded with the passion of Cerberus.
- So why are you worse? Guard yours, but wisely. Tell me why you are doing this: to relieve stress and learn to enjoy life again. And then really remember all the things that you loved to do and enjoyed so much, whether it was reading books, jogging, cross-stitching or rock climbing. Anything! Because only in this way will your eyes light up and your family will understand why you are doing this. And when they see the changed you, then the matter will move forward. nine0005
- Do you think so?
- Sure. Now I’ll say an unpleasant thing,” Vanya said, and I tensed up.
- Just like you think that your Dima will not change, and he is sure of the same about you. That you have irrevocably changed, you are not like that, and, in general, you are not. Any other brighter.
- That's what you're sick of right now! I forced out with difficulty.
I have noticed for a long time that my husband's eyes do not light up on me. Yes, he wants me, yes, sometimes he hugs me, especially when he counts on the continuation, but the fire that was between us ... he is no longer in sight. Sometimes I catch his interested glances at the air girls flying past and remember that I was just the same. And hang two children on this girl - it will look even worse than me! nine0005
Roman Stepensky - photo, biography, personal life, news, movies
Roman Stepensky is mostly familiar to the theatrical audience. For many years the actor served on the stage of the Russian Academic Youth Theatre. The artist also boasts a large number of film roles. And although they are mostly episodic, the man himself performs all the tricks and is fluent in artistic fencing. Stepensky also found his fate in the cinema, he is the husband of the popular Russian actress Olesya Fattakhova. nine0005
Childhood and youth
Roman Borisovich Stepensky was born on June 26, 1977 in Ust-Kamenogorsk, Kazakhstan. Father is a saxophonist, later worked in an ensemble with Bari Alibasov. Mom sang beautifully, but she was not an artist.Actor Roman Stepensky (a shot from the series "I'll overcome everything")
In his childhood and youth, the boy was fond of both creativity - he studied acting and sports. He was engaged in fencing with coach Evgeny Lyakhov and was already making significant progress. But before the university, the passion for acting outweighed the scales, and the guy entered the College of Arts (in those days, the Cultural Education School). nine0005
The actor still remembers with great warmth his creative teacher Natalia Reznikova, talented classmates, and happy student days.
“And I was a stuntman, and they blew me up, and they stabbed me, and they shot at me. Our course is great. We still all communicate, ”the website ustinka.kz quotes the actor as saying.
In 1997, Roman graduated from college, becoming a certified theater director. The talented graduate was immediately accepted into the regional drama theater named after Dzhambul Dzhabaev. Here the guy worked for 4 years. During this time he played over 25 roles. nine0005 Roman Stepensky in his youth (frame from the TV series "Capercaillie")
2001 was a turning point in the actor's biography. He realized that he wanted something more, lacked skills, interesting experience. And Roman leaves for Moscow, where, with a huge competition, he enters the RATI-GITIS for the course of Alexei Borodin. From the 1st year, Stepensky begins to play at the Russian Academic Youth Theater (RAMT), where his director was the artistic director. And at the same time, the young man began to develop the skills of artistic fencing. In his piggy bank victory in the championships of Russia and the title of world champion. nine0005
Theater and films
After graduating from GITIS, Stepensky was accepted into the RAMT troupe. This temple of art became native for Roman. The actor played in such performances for children and teenagers as "Erast Fandorin" (Timosha), "The Cherry Orchard" (Passer-by), "The Dawns Here Are Quiet" (German), "Scarlet Sails" (Priest), "Magic Ring" ( Vanya) and others.
In parallel with his work in the theater, the actor begins to master cinematography. His debut was Yegor Konchalovsky's sensational Russian action movie Antikiller-2, where he played in a small episode. In the mid-2000s, a lot was filmed in serials, mainly on military or criminal topics: “The Secret of the Guardian”, “Vykhov”, “Guys of Steel”, “Alias Alias Albanian” and others. nine0005
In 2007, the actor's filmography includes the historical drama Servant of the Sovereigns, which tells about the events of the Russian-Swedish war of 1709. Stepensky played a gentleman from the enemy army. Roman becomes a guest actor in the popular project Capercaillie: in 2008, he played Igor Zhilkin, the brother of a victim who suffered from a robbery. Zhilkin is trying to put pressure on the investigation, but the main character, Captain Glukharev, has his own method of solving the crime.Roman Stepensky (frame from the TV series "Capercaillie")
Sports training of youth was useful to the actor in his professional creative life. Tall (height 180 cm), smart, well-built Stepensky not only performed all the tricks himself, but also often played athletes. So, in the movie "Churchill" he played an athlete, and in the series "Voices" - a coach.
A big surge in the popularity of the actor is observed after the role in the rating series "Sklifosovsky". The novel joins the well-coordinated company of the project's artists for the whole season, from 2014 to 2015, portraying the husband of the nurse Lada Ermilova (Anna Ukolova). During the same period, the artist starred in such melodramas as “Papa for Sofia”, “I will overcome everything”, “You can’t hate to love”, “Everything is just beginning”, etc.Roman Stepensky (a shot from the Churchill series)
In 2016, Stepensky was invited to the historical project Viking. On this site, both acting and stunt work await him. The novel played the warrior Prince Vladimir.
“It was very interesting to work. Filmed in three stages. In the suburbs - a whole Viking city was built there, then in Karelia, but the most exciting shooting was in the Crimea. The heat was over 40, we poured water under the armor, and steam came from there, like from a radiator, ”the actor recalls the period of filming. nine0567
For a long time working in the cinema, Stepensky's partners were such actors as Sergei Makovetsky, Igor Petrenko, Danila Kozlovsky, Evgeny Mironov, Maxim Sukhanov and others. Roman has a warm relationship with everyone.Roman Stepensky (a shot from the series "Shuttle Women")
One of the artist's latest work in the cinema to date is the series "Shuttle Women", which was successfully broadcast on the Rossiya-1 TV channel in 2016.
In 2015, Roman Stepensky returned to his native Ust-Kamenogorsk, to the very theater where he worked after graduation. He began to stage performances by the Russian troupe: "A Midsummer Night's Dream", "Lieutenant Volodka", "The Same Munchausen". nine0005
Personal life of a sought-after actor under the special eye of TV viewers. After all, the wife of Roman Stepensky is the star of melodramas Olesya Fattakhova. The couple met while studying at GITIS, began to meet.
The girl was not afraid of the age difference of 12 years, on the contrary, she liked that the chosen one was already an adult and a man who had taken place as a person. After graduating from high school, the young people decided to seal the relationship with a stamp in their passport, although the family was actually created even earlier. In 2010, in the last year of the institute, Olesya gave birth to a daughter, Masha. nine0005
It is not known what regime the spouses live in today. After all, Roman spends all his time in Kazakhstan, and the actress shoots a lot in Russia. In addition, in 2018, she stated in an interview that she was the only breadwinner in the family. All this gave rise to rumors of a divorce, but there is no official confirmation of this information.
Roman loves nature, likes to do magic in the kitchen near the stove and to tinker in the garden. But the main passion of the artist is fishing. And, according to his confession, he is most successful in fish dishes. nine0005“I also returned from Moscow, because fishing there is more difficult due to traffic jams and the subway. And here I worked, got into the car, 15 minutes - and you are in Gornaya Ulbinka. Every year my friends and I go rafting down the Uba, I love extreme sports, and fishing gives me creative energy,” the artist admits.
The man is not a fan of social networks, but Olesya is an avid user of Instagram and often posts photos with her only daughter.
Roman Stepensky now
Since January 2018, Roman Borisovich Stepensky has been appointed artistic director of the East Kazakhstan Regional Russian Drama Theatre. Now he is busy in the current repertoire as an actor and director. nine0005
In 2019, Stepensky presented the theater team and repertoire at the International Conference "Russian Theater Abroad as an Institute of Russian Culture", held in St. Petersburg.
Roman Borisovich also teaches artistic fencing, stage movement, plastic arts, make-up at the college.