Why should we forget besides forgiving
Can You Forgive and Forget? I Psych Central
Forgiveness is a crucial skill, but can you also forget what you’re forgiving — and should you?
We’ve all heard the adage “forgive and forget” when someone has wronged us. The idea is that this will keep the peace, preserve relationships, and maintain a calm mind.
Sounds good, but can you really do that — forgive an offense and then forget about it? And is that the best action to take?
Because this advice has been handed out for ages, you might think it’s rooted in deep wisdom, and it must be easy to do.
Wisdom? Yes, in part. Easy? No, definitely not.
This adage that we’re all so familiar with might be more properly phrased as, “forgive, but don’t forget.”
Knowing how to forgive someone can be an essential life skill. It can save friendships, restore faith in our kids, and keep romantic relationships intact.
A 2015 study suggests that there are two types of forgiveness:
- decisional forgiveness: making a conscious decision to let go of hurt feelings, such as anger and resentment, putting them in the past, and moving forward free of the effects those feelings can bring
- emotional forgiveness: replacing negative emotions toward the person who has wronged you with positive ones such as sympathy, compassion, or empathy
Experts in this study suggest that emotional forgiveness can lead to higher levels of forgetting than decisional forgiveness or no forgiveness.
A 2021 study also suggests that forgetting is easier with emotional forgiveness than decisional forgiveness or no forgiveness.
But does forgiving someone require that you forget what they’ve done? Not necessarily.
“Forgiving and forgetting” implies that you’ve moved on and no longer think about the offensive act. But forgiving an offense can be hard to do.
A 2011 study suggests that forgiveness may give the person permission to continue the offense. In some cases, people who hurt others can manipulate the forgiveness process.
When “forgetting” what has been forgiven is challenging, learning from the experience may help some people cope if they encounter that behavior in the future.
Still, “forgiving and forgetting” isn’t always possible in every situation. While some can learn from the experience, others may forgive to release the past and accept that what happened wasn’t their fault and that no behavior could have changed it.
A word of caution
The concept of “forgive and forget” can be a complex and delicate topic to discuss, particularly for survivors of abuse or trauma.
Misconceptions about this topic can lead to:
- prolonged or continuation of abuse
- guilt and shame
- feelings of helplessness
- revictimization
- isolation and social distancing
If you’re a survivor of abuse or trauma and want to discuss how this concept fits with your situation, consider reaching out to a mental health professional.
They can help guide you on the next steps as they relate to you and your unique circumstances.
If you don’t forget, can you really forgive? It can be difficult to truly forgive someone when you know how they’ve hurt you.
But no one said that forgiveness was easy. It may be extremely hard. Forgiveness may be as much for you as it is for the person to whom you’re granting it.
Forgiveness may help release emotional baggage, such as anxiety, anger, and pain. A 2019 study notes that several studies have linked forgiveness to lower levels of depression and anxiety.
It also notes that forgiveness may even improve physical health and pain, while unforgiveness may increase heart rate and blood pressure.
The study of nearly 1,000 women ages 18 to 40 found that those who emotionally forgave an offense held the person less responsible for the offense than those who decided to forgive.
Practicing forgiveness may improve your emotional health and overall happiness, according to a 2016 review.
If you’re still having trouble forgiving, especially when you can’t forget, there may be some good reasons to continue trying.
- Forgiving is critical for our emotional well-being. By refusing to forgive someone, you may be holding on to all the anger and pain that their actions might have created. This can take an emotional and physical toll. According to a 2016 study, practicing forgiveness might help reduce stress, anxiety, and the likelihood of depression.
- We don’t forget — we learn. Each experience teaches us something, even the painful ones. Forgetting means you’re forgoing the lesson and growth that can come from it.
Instead, consider using it to better equip you for the future. - Forgiving strengthens relationships. All relationships have the potential to deepen and thrive because of what occurred. A 2011 study suggests that forgiving your partner may be crucial to maintaining a healthy romantic relationship. Forgiving may encourage you to become more committed to not allowing divisive and hurtful conflicts to occur in the future.
- Forgiveness has a positive effect on your physical health. Have you heard the phrase, “Being eaten up inside”? Holding on to resentment and anger can indeed create problems within your body. Those festering feelings can increase blood pressure and inflammation leading to potential heart problems.
Convinced but unsure of how to start? You’re not alone.
If you’re having trouble figuring out how to begin the process, consider the following tips:
- Identify and articulate the things you’d like to forgive.
Too often, hurts and offenses get intertwined and knotted up. They may not even come from the same source. To start the process, try to be specific about what you’d like to forgive. - Understand forgiveness. Forgiveness is a process and requires effort and patience.
- Acknowledge forgiveness. Try to think about what forgiveness will do for you, not for them.
- Forget about forgetting. It’s not really possible to forget, nor is it necessary.
- Find perspective. This may require putting some distance between you and someone else, talking with a friend or family member, or even seeking counseling.
- Be ready to repeat the process. It can take more than one try to reach the point of being able to forgive.
Forgiveness is an important skill, and it can be positive. It may improve both your mental and physical health and lead to resolution and personal growth in some cases.
And even though you’ve forgiven someone, it doesn’t mean you have to forget their offense.
Forgiveness is a process that can take time and may require some effort.
If you want help, consider reaching out to a mental health professional for guidance. They can help you with the next steps and provide you with tools to cope with your circumstances.
“Forgiving and forgetting” is a choice, and if you choose not to do either, that’s OK.
Can You Forgive and Forget? I Psych Central
Forgiveness is a crucial skill, but can you also forget what you’re forgiving — and should you?
We’ve all heard the adage “forgive and forget” when someone has wronged us. The idea is that this will keep the peace, preserve relationships, and maintain a calm mind.
Sounds good, but can you really do that — forgive an offense and then forget about it? And is that the best action to take?
Because this advice has been handed out for ages, you might think it’s rooted in deep wisdom, and it must be easy to do.
Wisdom? Yes, in part. Easy? No, definitely not.
This adage that we’re all so familiar with might be more properly phrased as, “forgive, but don’t forget.”
Knowing how to forgive someone can be an essential life skill. It can save friendships, restore faith in our kids, and keep romantic relationships intact.
A 2015 study suggests that there are two types of forgiveness:
- decisional forgiveness: making a conscious decision to let go of hurt feelings, such as anger and resentment, putting them in the past, and moving forward free of the effects those feelings can bring
- emotional forgiveness: replacing negative emotions toward the person who has wronged you with positive ones such as sympathy, compassion, or empathy
Experts in this study suggest that emotional forgiveness can lead to higher levels of forgetting than decisional forgiveness or no forgiveness.
A 2021 study also suggests that forgetting is easier with emotional forgiveness than decisional forgiveness or no forgiveness.
But does forgiving someone require that you forget what they’ve done? Not necessarily.
“Forgiving and forgetting” implies that you’ve moved on and no longer think about the offensive act. But forgiving an offense can be hard to do.
A 2011 study suggests that forgiveness may give the person permission to continue the offense. In some cases, people who hurt others can manipulate the forgiveness process.
When “forgetting” what has been forgiven is challenging, learning from the experience may help some people cope if they encounter that behavior in the future.
Still, “forgiving and forgetting” isn’t always possible in every situation. While some can learn from the experience, others may forgive to release the past and accept that what happened wasn’t their fault and that no behavior could have changed it.
A word of caution
The concept of “forgive and forget” can be a complex and delicate topic to discuss, particularly for survivors of abuse or trauma.
Misconceptions about this topic can lead to:
- prolonged or continuation of abuse
- guilt and shame
- feelings of helplessness
- revictimization
- isolation and social distancing
If you’re a survivor of abuse or trauma and want to discuss how this concept fits with your situation, consider reaching out to a mental health professional.
They can help guide you on the next steps as they relate to you and your unique circumstances.
If you don’t forget, can you really forgive? It can be difficult to truly forgive someone when you know how they’ve hurt you.
But no one said that forgiveness was easy. It may be extremely hard. Forgiveness may be as much for you as it is for the person to whom you’re granting it.
Forgiveness may help release emotional baggage, such as anxiety, anger, and pain. A 2019 study notes that several studies have linked forgiveness to lower levels of depression and anxiety.
It also notes that forgiveness may even improve physical health and pain, while unforgiveness may increase heart rate and blood pressure.
The study of nearly 1,000 women ages 18 to 40 found that those who emotionally forgave an offense held the person less responsible for the offense than those who decided to forgive.
Practicing forgiveness may improve your emotional health and overall happiness, according to a 2016 review.
If you’re still having trouble forgiving, especially when you can’t forget, there may be some good reasons to continue trying.
- Forgiving is critical for our emotional well-being. By refusing to forgive someone, you may be holding on to all the anger and pain that their actions might have created. This can take an emotional and physical toll. According to a 2016 study, practicing forgiveness might help reduce stress, anxiety, and the likelihood of depression.
- We don’t forget — we learn. Each experience teaches us something, even the painful ones. Forgetting means you’re forgoing the lesson and growth that can come from it.
Instead, consider using it to better equip you for the future. - Forgiving strengthens relationships. All relationships have the potential to deepen and thrive because of what occurred. A 2011 study suggests that forgiving your partner may be crucial to maintaining a healthy romantic relationship. Forgiving may encourage you to become more committed to not allowing divisive and hurtful conflicts to occur in the future.
- Forgiveness has a positive effect on your physical health. Have you heard the phrase, “Being eaten up inside”? Holding on to resentment and anger can indeed create problems within your body. Those festering feelings can increase blood pressure and inflammation leading to potential heart problems.
Convinced but unsure of how to start? You’re not alone.
If you’re having trouble figuring out how to begin the process, consider the following tips:
- Identify and articulate the things you’d like to forgive.
Too often, hurts and offenses get intertwined and knotted up. They may not even come from the same source. To start the process, try to be specific about what you’d like to forgive. - Understand forgiveness. Forgiveness is a process and requires effort and patience.
- Acknowledge forgiveness. Try to think about what forgiveness will do for you, not for them.
- Forget about forgetting. It’s not really possible to forget, nor is it necessary.
- Find perspective. This may require putting some distance between you and someone else, talking with a friend or family member, or even seeking counseling.
- Be ready to repeat the process. It can take more than one try to reach the point of being able to forgive.
Forgiveness is an important skill, and it can be positive. It may improve both your mental and physical health and lead to resolution and personal growth in some cases.
And even though you’ve forgiven someone, it doesn’t mean you have to forget their offense.
Forgiveness is a process that can take time and may require some effort.
If you want help, consider reaching out to a mental health professional for guidance. They can help you with the next steps and provide you with tools to cope with your circumstances.
“Forgiving and forgetting” is a choice, and if you choose not to do either, that’s OK.
Should I ask for forgiveness?
Love and forgiveness are leaders in the number of aphorisms in Google that contradict each other. For example, the philosopher Johannes Lavater states: “He who did not forgive the enemy did not experience one of the most refined pleasures of life”, and Robin Sharma in “The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari” writes: “Forgiveness is a great manifestation of the spirit and personal courage. It’s also one of the best ways to improve the quality of your own life… Every minute of remembering someone who hurt you is stolen from a more useful purpose: to attract those people who could help you.” nine0003
The fact is that no one can say anything for sure about love or forgiveness.
Even all-knowing British scientists have not been able to find a universal key to guaranteed forgiveness for anything and, if desired, to forgive others for any misconduct towards themselves.
Ozhegov's explanatory dictionary also does not clarify, explaining the term "forgive" as "do not blame something, forget guilt, resentment" or "release from some obligation." And where is there anything about reconciliation, tears of repentance and long days of torment away from the person you have hurt? Maybe Ozhegov wrote a dictionary, believing that every person is a storehouse of wisdom and awareness? Who else can honestly say to themselves, even after reconciliation, that they really forgot the offense, its cause and the pain that it brought? nine0003
I grew up in a very religious family. Mom, older sister and I each night before going to bed asked each other's forgiveness for the whole day. So from childhood I got used to analyze my punctures and come with confession on time. It didn’t seem difficult to me - perhaps because we a priori did not do meanness and did not deceive each other.
Forgiveness at bedtime seemed to me more of a proper ritual than a serious remorse.
Another thing is dad: that's who should ask for forgiveness from all of us. Dad suffered from megalomania, drank for three, raged and offended mom. Therefore, when he nevertheless disappeared (and only because my mother and her parents saved up money for many years in a row to buy him a separate apartment), I stopped communicating with him. Mom said that I should love him - simply because he is my father. But I felt injustice in this and for several years I hated him with all my heart. Then I began to wait for him to come and apologize to my mother. More than ten years passed, but he never came - and I stopped waiting. That's just to hate him, unfortunately, I have not stopped. It happened before the New Year. On December 31, a large university company, we gathered at my friend Anya's. Coincidentally, everyone at the table started getting phone calls from their dads. I listened to congratulations - and with every cell I felt how important children and fathers are for each other.
I burst out: “What a pity that I will never hear from my dad, at least before the New Year.” My friend's mother looked at me in surprise and said: "The phone is in the hallway, go and call." I was in a hurry. nine0003
I did not understand how you can take and call a person whom you despise and with whom you have not communicated for more than fifteen years? What will I tell him? And why should I call first - after everything he did?!
When the questions in my head subsided, I felt relieved. It's like I've been solving a complex puzzle for years, and I've just been given a ready-made clue. Not knowing what I would say and sweating with fear, I secretly hoped that he would not pick up the phone. And when he answered, I only had enough to say “hello”. After that, I sobbed for ten minutes long distance to my father, whom I have missed all my life. These tears revealed how much I needed him and how far I hid all the good feelings for him. Now we communicate.
Not often, but still. The point is not that I have forgiven—after all, forgiveness involves not returning to memories, and I cannot boast of that—but that I no longer allow resentment against my father to sharpen a hole in my heart with anger (even if just!) time of my life. nine0003
Unfortunately, my father's story taught me more than just good things.
My relationships with friends suffered because of one false belief from childhood: if a person is wrong, he should come and apologize, if not, the relationship is doomed to failure
I was convinced that everyone is able to find strength in themselves and ask for forgiveness. I thought it was easy if a person appreciates friendship. To assume that others simply did not notice how they offended us, or that they feel so insignificant after a misconduct that they do not find the strength and words to apologize - this never occurred to me. This belief has ruined many of my friendships. nine0003
At university I had a boyfriend, Egor, and a close friend, Arina.
I loved the guy, but often fell in love with other men. During these crushes, I usually left him or dated two. Sometimes he knew about it, sometimes he didn't. But Arina knew about everything. Surely my attitude towards Yegor is the result of a childhood trauma and a desire to take revenge on men because of my father. Because there is really no excuse for such behavior. One way or another, one day I found out that my friend often communicates with Yegor without me. A little later, he said that he was tired of my selfishness and bitchiness, and broke off the relationship. I sobbed for three days in the arms of another man, and then I realized that there was no love in my heart - there was only hurt pride, because he left first, and I didn’t leave him. nine0003
Characteristically, when I found out about the wedding of Arina and Yegor, the offense returned to me with the same force. I was beside myself. Then it seemed to me that I was jealous of my ex, and a little later I came to the conclusion that it was not about him at all.
I did not understand how Arina could do this, betraying our friendship and my trust. I was sure that after this people do not return to each other. Simply because girlfriends by default should not communicate with our exes, and even more so - marry them. I have been in a happy relationship for several years, but my thoughts often returned to Arina. And after the New Year holidays, apparently, the spirit of Christmas descended on me, and I wrote her a long letter. It talked about the fact that I don’t hold evil on my friend and I’m really happy for them with Yegor. I asked them to forgive me for not understanding or not wanting to understand their love. When I finished writing, I almost physically felt how I had thrown a huge stone from my heart, several kilograms and years of life. I wrote this letter in the hope of finding a girlfriend again, but I found the confidence that now I can cope with any betrayal and pain, because I know that forgiveness is not for the one who destroyed my trust, but for myself.
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Forgiveness is a kind of reincarnation of feelings and an opportunity to get a new heart without scars
The ability to see a new path where there was only rubble. No karma purifier and relationship guru is capable of this. Only ourselves.
When I received an answer from Arina, I made one discovery. A friend wrote that she was very worried about what had happened and dreamed of accidentally meeting me on the street to talk. Accidentally - because I felt too guilty and was afraid to even think about writing and proposing a meeting. She suffered as much, if not more than me, but I found out about it only after I was able to forgive. I have done bad things to people many times in my life. Unfortunately, it was too rare for her to plead guilty. It seems to me that it takes a certain courage to be able to sincerely say “I'm sorry”. Apologizing means admitting your mistake, wrongness and openly declaring that you are not perfect. nine0003
With the help of an apology, we take full responsibility for the consequences of our actions, and such a burden is not for the weak
Perhaps such maturity does not come by itself - it is important for a person to grow up to the ability to forgive and ask for forgiveness.
Once I betrayed my friend Anya, whom I considered my sister. There was a misunderstanding between us, and I felt offended. My man, having learned about this, in the presence of Anya, said that I would no longer communicate with her. And I kept silent. So stupidly and sadly ended our close friendship. For a long time I considered myself right, but one day I realized what a wound I had inflicted on her. I wrote to her about my repentance, we sometimes began to communicate, but I received an answer to my request for forgiveness only yesterday. This day will be one of the most unforgettable in my life. nine0003
Now I know for sure that when your apology is accepted, you feel almost as enlightened as love. We need to learn to be the kind of people we want to forgive. After all, the word "sorry", even with all my heart, is not always enough. It is important for others to see the changes - perhaps made for them.
The skill of effective apology and especially empathy takes practice and needs to be learned
The paradox of forgiveness is that we cannot receive it until we ask, but the one whom we offended can forgive even without our repentance.
True, we will only find out about this when we knock on his door to say these, perhaps the second most important words in the world: “Forgive me! I'm so sorry I lost your trust. I've treated you horribly." The only way. No "I'm sorry if I offended you" or "I'm sorry, but I think..."
Clinical psychologist and Ph.D. Guy Winch is sure that the last two phrases have nothing to do with a sincere "I'm sorry", but only with a lack of understanding of the pain inflicted and wounded self-esteem. They hide the uncertainty of the apologetic that he really repents and understands how he offended the other person. “It's easier to understand when we're in the shoes of someone who's being asked for forgiveness in this way,” Winch explains. “Formally, an apology was made, but there was no desire to forgive.” nine0003
According to the psychologist, there is also a big difference between saying "I'm sorry" and "I'm sorry (forgive) me, please." “In the first case, we appeal to ourselves, and this is more like a formal fulfillment of social conventions.
In the second, we turn to a person whose feelings are hurt in one way or another. This is much more difficult, because it makes us vulnerable: the other is free to both forgive us and not accept the apology, Winch comments. Why do we even ask for forgiveness? Try asking this question to yourself or someone you know, and you will probably hear in response: “Because I was (a) wrong (a) / was mistaken (s). But for an apology to be effective, it must be focused on the other person's feelings and needs, not our own. A fundamental misunderstanding of who is the center of an apology is often the reason why they sound patently insincere. We are not trying to help the other person feel better, but we strive for our own comfort.” But if we try to direct our apologies not inward, but to help the other person feel meaningful and important to us, the world around us can change for the better - for at least two people. nine0003
What is the right way to ask for forgiveness?
Ohio State University researchers list the main components of an effective apology
1.
Express regret
2. Explain why you made a mistake
3. Accept responsibility for what you did
Suggest 4. Express repentance 9002 9002
5. Actually, ask for forgiveness
According to scientists, the most important thing is to admit responsibility, that is, it is necessary to say that you made a mistake. The second most important thing is to offer to personally fix everything. The least effective was the simple request for forgiveness. nine0003
Tags: interesting psychology, psychology
Rimma Fedyaeva: “You need to ask yourself the question: why are you suffering?”
How and why we should forgive insults, what is “positive self-anger” and why responsibility and guilt are not the same thing
“Anger and resentment are considered to be instrumental emotions. We keep replaying everything in our heads, nurturing and suffering because we want justice, we think it will be beneficial. But it destroys, does not allow us to live in peace, torments, disrupts the natural rhythm, changes behavior, and sometimes fate, ”- especially for the readers of BUSINESS Online, the associate professor of the Department of Conflictology of KNRTU, psychologist Rimma Fedyaeva shares her recipe for forgiveness.
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Photo: BUSINESS Online
"ASK FOR FORGIVENESS AND FORGIVENESS IS VERY EASY WHEN NOBODY HAS HURTED ANYONE"
Forgiveness is the understanding that your spiritual scars
no longer determine your present and future.
For especially busy, highly active and impatient readers who do not waste time on the entire article, but simply leave an angry comment on a phrase taken out of context, I want to tell the content in a few sentences. I don't like many existing clichés about forgiveness. First, to forgive is not to betray oneself. Second, forgiveness doesn't mean you give up. It means that you are ready to pick up your strength and move on, and thirdly, forgiveness means taking personal responsibility not for destruction, but for restoration. This is a decision to regain your peace of mind. Here. Well, now in detail about the mechanism of insults, forgiveness, deceived expectations and what it means to forgive and ask for forgiveness “correctly”.
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One Sunday in April, before Lent, I received many messages from Orthodox and non-Orthodox with the word "sorry". I understand that the request for forgiveness is formal, written for no reason and therefore light, without depth. However, the answers were the same - just mutually polite. Requests for forgiveness came from people with whom I knew little, who did not offend me in any way. And I thought about the fact that asking for forgiveness is easy and forgiving is also very easy when no one has offended anyone. And when there is something for it, when it hurts, when it gnaws, when you think a lot about what happened, you bear it, get sick? ..
I read a lot of proverbs, advice, delved into every generally accepted opinion, tried to find an answer in classical literature, Russian classics (from Shmelev, Poselyanin), modern philosophers, read blog posts, even wrote something smart on my Instagram about the art of letting go of anger and resentment. But from psychological counseling practice, I know that the distance between the decision to forgive, a real sense of peace and inner harmony can be long, very long, and sometimes insurmountable.
I know that you know too... Almost everyone had such periods and such a state: outwardly, nothing may have changed, but inside everything turned upside down. Something happened that you can’t even describe, and suddenly you find yourself destroyed, broken, desperate, in a terrible state of mind. What exactly made you enter the peak? Quarrel, misunderstanding, betrayal, betrayal or just a remark? It's called in one word - resentment (someone calls resentment anger).
They say that resentment against your neighbor hurts the most, but it cannot be otherwise. You did not trust someone else, did not tell, did not share, and, accordingly, there was no expectation that they could hurt. And even if we did, we easily part with this thought, situation and simply delete a random person from our heads, hearts, no longer allowing communication, intersection, or simply ignore and, in general, we simply don’t suffer as much as because of relatives, friends dear, significant people for us.
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“FORGIVENESS SEEMS TO BE A TREACH OF YOURSELF. EXIT ONE: REVENGE»
It is believed that anger and resentment are instrumental emotions. We keep replaying everything in our heads, nurturing and suffering because we want justice. Because we think it will help. But we all know that it destroys, does not allow us to live in peace, torments, disrupts the natural rhythm, changes behavior, and sometimes even fate.
What to do?
First, you need to ask yourself the question: why are you suffering? You will say that you were offended, betrayed, acted meanly, and in colors you will tell the situation as you see it, but this is the wrong answer. You are asked why, not because of what or why. Why - makes sense. nine0003
Here you have made a garden bed to plant flowers: this is understandable. You are seeking a girl to have a good time with her. That is, your actions make sense. And why do you suffer because of resentment? Your suffering is useless, and the answer is obvious - there is no need to suffer .
I agree that it is not easy to deal with emotion, but this is the first step to get rid of mental resentment and stop poisoning your life. In one comment on one of my articles, a young woman wrote: “I will never forgive cheating on my husband, I have been living with this for three years, I suffer, I feel that I live for the sake of small children.” In my opinion, she is making a mistake, harming only herself for a period of three whole years! nine0003
Did a girlfriend, boss, friend, relative, lover offend you by some kind of everyday betrayal: showed dishonesty, greed, hid the truth, deceived, betrayed, sat down, relayed the conversation, said something fictitious, bypassed, robbed, etc. . — you can continue the palette of relationships endlessly. That is, the first thing you must do is to realize the meaninglessness of your suffering. Understand that this does not help, but only harms you.
Secondly, to realize that in the interpretation of another person your story will sound very different.
Try to mentally put yourself in the place of the offender. In psychology, this method is called the mirror method. You will understand the motive. At the same time, be sure to analyze the character of the person who offended you. He can be harsh, unrestrained, greedy, evil, treacherous, and simply untruthful. This will also ease your inner state. They took it and reassured themselves with the fact that, for example, the offender did not receive enough attention from childhood, or, on the contrary, was brought up in an atmosphere of his own exclusivity, selfishness, and therefore did so. That is, how would you calm down your resentment and anger, justifying his act with bad education, spiritual poverty, a hopeless situation, an unhealthy head, maybe you will find your guilt in your analysis of the situation, including so on. nine0003
Third, the very thought of someone walking away unpunished after everything they've done hurts. But here we need to make a reasonable pause, no matter how our soul yearns for justice.
Many facts are described in history when anger becomes a part of you and the brain “does” this emotion and state in full. And here it seems that forgiveness is a betrayal of oneself. There is only one way out: revenge. But don't rush! Revenge should be beautiful, rational, aimed only at your growth, prosperity, healing. I call it “positive self-anger”, which moves, gives strength, calms the mind and weakens negative states. After all, you begin to "revenge", as if healing your wounds, developing positively. nine0003
Fourth, understand that forgiveness does not mean that the guilt of your offenders is atoned for. This does not mean that you should be friends with them, sympathize with them. You just accept that they left a spiritual mark on you and now you have to live with this mark. You will stop waiting for the person who broke you to return everything "as it was." You will begin to heal the wounds, regardless of whether scars remain - this is a decision to live on with your scars and, perhaps, internally you will already be a different person.
Such a decision is also a spiritual relief. You will not constantly change jobs if your boss offended you. You will persuade yourself to "accept" what happened in order not to lose a job that brings income and allows you to feed your family (by the way, not an option). nine0003
“YES, THERE WAS A HURRICANE, BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO LIVE IN YOUR DESTROYED CITY”
Fifthly, accept everything that happened as an experience, as necessary lessons of fate. To be able to convince yourself that this was supposed to happen on the path called “your life” is also a kind of test that caused suffering. A discovery that has made adjustments to your life script. Without suffering, man would develop into a mindless infantile being. It is suffering, disappointment in moderate doses from inflicted insults that sometimes become the starting point in human development, the acquisition of wisdom. Try to feel some special state of satisfaction in the fact that, faced with obstacles and difficulties, you find a thrill in overcoming them.
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But whenever you read the above tips or hear the words “understand and forgive” from your environment, you get the feeling that no one has told us the main thing about forgiveness anyway. As if consciousness is not going to correct anything. This is not an eraser that will erase everything that happened to you. He will not undo the pain that has been inflicted on us or grant us instant forgiveness. Sometimes finding inner peace is a long hard road. But the first step towards this peace is desire to say goodbye to bearing this spiritual burden. The second step is to understand that time will put everything in its place, give only time time . The third is the understanding that what has been destroyed (no matter what - hope, love, trust, etc.) will never be restored to its original form. It is the recognition that no amount of magic can repair the damage. Yes, there was a hurricane, but you still have to live in your ruined city. And no other force but you will raise you from the ruins.
Pasternak has wonderful lines in the poem “Learn to forgive”:
Learn to forgive when the soul is offended,
and the heart, like a bowl of bitter tears,
and it seems that all kindness is burned,
2222 Remember how Christ forgave.
Learn to forgive. In forgiveness, joy is hidden.
Generosity heals like a balm.
The blood was shed on the Cross for all. nine0105
Learn to forgive so that you can be forgiven yourself.
It is possible, indeed, to turn to spirituality in order to understand how to forgive and ask for forgiveness.
In my psychological practice, I often have to deal with the fact that people do not want to ask for forgiveness or cannot. How to distinguish sincere forgiveness from not sincere; simple words, as in SMS messages, from conscious ones? I liked the words of the rector of the Exaltation of the Cross Church in Samara, Archpriest 9, on this issue0067 Oleg Kitov : “The Lord forgives the one who asks for forgiveness.
But forgiveness should not be formal, when everyone just comes up to each other and says the proper words: it should be sincere, coming from the heart. If a person has repented of something, then he must take as a guarantee that he will be forgiven, his firm conviction that it is impossible to do this, and he will no longer commit this sin, that is, there must be a deed behind the words.
"THE ADULTS WITH NORMAL BALANCED PSYCHE DO NOT EXIST WITH GUILT"
It is not enough to admit guilt and say "I'm sorry" - you need to take a responsible approach to the process. The trouble is that so many people still don't understand the difference between guilt and responsibility. We all have heard such lamentations: "Well, I admitted my guilt, I apologized - what else do you want from me?" Guilt should be a stimulus to action. Guilt is not responsibility. Responsibility - these are the actions that are taken to correct the error (such a definition of responsibility for this case will suffice).
It is necessary not only to demonstrate a sense of guilt, but also to show responsibility in further actions. nine0003
The very fact of admitting guilt does not change anything - the mistake is corrected by deed, or in some cases it is compensated. One admission of error is not enough for the "injured" person. It is responsibility in actions that awaits the offended. For an adult with a normal balanced psyche, there is no feeling of guilt. There should be a sense of responsibility for every step you take in this world, for the agreements you make, for the choices you make and for not choosing - for everything. Making any mistake should not lead him to an exhausting internal conflict. An adult should not feel bad or constantly guilty: he just corrects the mistake and lives on. If the mistake cannot be corrected, he still lives, but with the acquired experience and wisdom, where there will be no place for such plots. nine0003
But to forgive or not, the “victim” decides because of his culture, psyche, character, upbringing.
