Are you emotionally unavailable
Emotionally Unavailable: What It Means & 15 Signs To Look For
Being emotionally unavailable describes someone who is not open to discussing or sharing their feelings. They can be evasive, flaky, or hard to read. "They're scared of intimacy," explains licensed couples therapist Brooke Sprowl, LCSW, CNTS.
Licensed psychotherapist Pam Shaffer, MFT, adds that being emotionally unavailable often reflects a lack of emotional depth. "It doesn't mean that something is wrong with you, but it may mean that you are using your emotional bandwidth to cope with your own feelings or circumstances, so you don't have enough to necessarily tune into another person," she explains.
According to Sprowl, the term "emotionally unavailable" is essentially born from meme culture and has been popularized in the last decade or so, so you won't find it in any diagnostic psychology manual. It's a phrase that has further found its footing due to "hookup culture" and dating app popularity.
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1.
They don't communicate consistently
Sure, not everyone is available all the time for a super-quick text back, but if this is happening all the time, take note. If "someone is leaving you guessing as to when they are going to talk to you, chances are good that they are not emotionally available to truly connect and make you feel heard," Shaffer says. When someone is there for you and is into you, they want to talk to you and will make the effort.
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2.
They avoid conversations that go deeper
If the person you're seeing has no interest in getting "deep" with your conversations, especially when it comes to your relationship, that's a sign of emotional unavailability. If they "avoid engaging in communication or discussions centered around commitment or even getting closer in the relationship," you should beware, says Fran Walfish, Ph.
D., a family and relationship psychotherapist, and author of The Self-Aware Parent.
Someone who doesn't want to share anything truly impactful about themselves is rarely someone who wants to have a serious relationship.
3.
They feel overwhelmed or smothered by emotional intimacy
Emotionally unavailable people often masquerade as being fiercely independent and self-sufficient. Sprowl says that this is an illusion used to evade being vulnerable with feelings. Wanting a little space in a relationship can be a sign of emotional control and wherewithal, but sometimes an excessive need for alone time in a relationship can be a reflection of discomfort with intimacy.
The "primary drive is independence, and their greatest fear is engulfment—in other words, losing themselves in another person or being subsumed. They seek space and solitude to regulate their anxiety, especially during conflicts," she says.
It's possible to date with an avoidant attachment style, but it likely means there are some insecurities that need healing.
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4.
They avoid labels
Pretending you're not in a relationship when you are in a relationship is a red flag. If the person you're dating doesn't want to "label" the relationship, chances are things are not organically developing in a healthy way. "Relationships can take many forms, but if someone refuses to define their relationship or talk about what you can both expect from it while still wanting all the benefits of it, they might not be ready to be an available partner," Shaffer explains.
5.
They seem to want perfection
If you feel like you need to be perfect, chill, sexy, and interesting all the time in order to keep someone interested, chances are you're not the issue. Emotionally unavailable people are impossible to mollify because they are always looking for something negative to latch onto in order to justify their crappy behavior.
They seek perfection in imperfect humans so that they can use your flaws as justification for ending things or not getting serious with you.
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6.
They go from hot to cold
People who are emotionally unavailable tend to confuse their partners with their inconsistent behavior. They vacillate between being very hot and into the relationship one second, only to go totally cold the next. This can feel uncomfortable and scary. If someone makes you feel safe and comfortable one day, only to disappear for a week—this person is likely not emotionally available to you. While the temptation to come back when someone comes out of the rough may be great, it can ultimately be quite damaging to you. No one should feel like they're being jerked around.
7.
They are unclear about what they want from you
"If you're second-guessing what you say all the time or can't get a clear answer on what your partner wants or needs from a relationship, they may not be available to be vulnerable with you," Shaffer says.
This can also lead to that feeling of "walking on eggshells," wherein you worry one wrong step or word uttered will lead this person to stop calling you. This does not make for a productive dynamic. "When people are available, they allow themselves to tell their partner what they want, even though it can be scary to open up," Shaffer says.
8.
They don't compromise their time
People who are emotionally unavailable are often unaware of the feelings of others. (This is also a typical sign of a narcissist, by the way.) They tend to value control over situations and aren't willing to compromise. If the person you're seeing wants you to bend over backward to fit yourself around their schedule but won't inconvenience themselves to do the same, chances are they are emotionally unavailable. They want the relationship to revolve around them because they lack the emotional depth to understand that relationships are a two-way street.
RELATED: One-Sided Relationships: 24 Signs, Causes & Ways To Fix It
1.
You tend to think of relationships as a "job"
If you find yourself looking at commitment as more of a task than as a thing that makes you feel good and connected to someone, you may be emotionally unavailable. "All relationships take some work, but if you start seeing them as a burden, you might not be as available as you thought," Shaffer says.
2.
You withhold personal feelings and thoughts
If you've found yourself unable or unwilling to share your feelings, you're likely emotionally unavailable. Walfish says this includes things like life goals, life regrets, wishes, hopes, and longings. While it may feel like you're just "being careful" with the vulnerable details of your mind, you can't create meaningful connections without taking some risks.
3.
You want to continue seeing other people
While there is an understanding these days that without the "Are We Exclusive?" conversation, you can (and probably should) keep seeing other people, if you're avoiding that conversation in order to keep your options open, you might be emotionally unavailable.
By seeing multiple people, you attempt to avoid developing an attachment to one person. This may seem like a smart choice, but it shows the anxiety you have around your own emotions.
4.
You are only attracted to people who are either far away or otherwise unavailable
There is a certain allure of having a "text-only relationship." You have someone there to validate you and make you feel good about yourself, without having to put in any of the work for a relationship. "This is a great way to have fantasy relationships in your head but is a solid clue that you are avoiding having to deal with the work of a relationship in real time," Shaffer explains. Real relationships take real time and real effort. If you're not willing to put those in, you're not ready for a relationship.
5.
You are naturally distrustful
If you feel yourself pulling away from people who try to get close to you or find that you question and distrust the intentions of others, you're emotionally withholding.
It's not to say that you should automatically trust everyone you meet, but pulling away without a reason is cause for concern. "It takes time to trust new people, but if you find yourself pushing others away consistently, it's a good 'check engine' light that you may need to get an emotional tune up," Shaffer says.
6.
You conflate drama with intimacy
If you're a person who enjoys being "chased" and sought after by the person you're seeing, Sprowl says you may be creating an illusion of passion in place of any real emotional intimacy. Just because it feels exciting doesn't make it real. Playing games, causing distress to another person, and watching them grovel for your affection can be intoxicating. It's a power trip. It is also a sign of emotional manipulation and evasiveness. If you're in it for the drama, you're not really giving up anything real about yourself. This says a lot about you. It may be time to reevaluate your priorities.
7.
You cut people off at the drop of a hat
Letting go of toxic, draining relationships with friends and partners is a good idea, but emotionally unavailable people tend to do this without proper consideration for the consequences.
If you'd rather ghost or block someone than work through a conflict, you may want to look inward. This is often a sign that you have internal work to do on your capacity for the emotional space needed for a truly deep relationship. Cutting someone off protects you from getting close to people, but it also distances you from anything meaningful.
Being emotionally unavailable does not make you a bad person or someone incapable of love. It only means that you have some personal development to do in order to be a good partner. As with all things romance and life, it's a learning experience.
"If we don't learn the lessons our unhealthy relationships are revealing to us, our damaging patterns will keep repeating over and over again with the same and different partners," Sprowl says.
While being emotionally unavailable often leads to shallow relationships, those tenuous situations can serve as an opportunity to look inward and expand our emotional depths.
We need to use these emotionally unavailable relationships, whether culprit or victim, to expand our emotional repertoire.
Experiences with emotional unavailability are not the problem; they are tools to reveal the true problems you need to work on in your life.
Once we do that, we can begin to grow. As Sprowl explains, using relationships as a way to expand ourselves helps us to "develop a road map for how to change the damaging patterns in our lives and [be] empowered to take ownership of our own healing."
Emotionally Unavailable: Meaning, Signs, and FAQs
Emotional availability describes the ability to sustain emotional bonds in relationships. Since it’s pretty much impossible to have a healthy relationship without an emotional connection, emotionally unavailable people tend to find relationships challenging. Instead, they might prefer to date casually and maintain some distance.
Say you’ve dated someone for about 6 months. You have plenty in common, not to mention great sexual chemistry, but something seems a little off.
Maybe they shy away from conversations about emotional experiences, or talk a lot about their life and interests but never ask about your hobbies.
This apparent lack of investment can make you wonder if they even like you.
But your involvement (whether it’s a relationship or something more casual) continues, so you reason they must have feelings for you.
The good news is they probably do. The bad news is they might be emotionally unavailable.
Recognizing emotional unavailability can be tricky. Many emotionally unavailable people have a knack for making you feel great about yourself and hopeful about the future of your relationship.
But if, after an encouraging start, you never connect more intimately, they might not have the ability to maintain anything beyond casual involvement at the moment.
The signs below can help you recognize emotional unavailability in a partner.
They don’t like making plans
Emotionally unavailable people often show less inclination to make commitments, whether these commitments are minor or more significant.
Maybe you suggest getting together next week.
They agree enthusiastically, so you ask what day works for them.
“Let me check and get back to you,” they say, but you never hear back.
Or maybe they say, “I’ll pencil that in.” But when the time comes, they have a great excuse for why they can’t make it.
They call the shots
When you do see each other, they tend to choose what you do — usually an activity that aligns with their typical routine.
They might put on the latest episode of their favorite Netflix show, even though you’ve never seen it. Or maybe they ask you to help them out around the house.
This doesn’t necessarily mean there’s a problem, especially if they seem receptive when you make suggestions.
But if they never ask what you’d like to do, or seem irritated when you don’t want to go along with their plan, it may be time to consider whether the relationship is really serving your needs.
You do all the relationship work
Can’t remember the last time they sent a text that wasn’t a direct reply? Feel a little frustrated they’ve never set up a date or initiated any plans?
If you do all the calling, texting, and planning, there’s a good chance they’re emotionally unavailable.
They enjoy spending time with you, certainly, when it works for them. But they don’t want to work for it, either. If you don’t make things happen, they probably won’t.
When you aren’t spending time together, you hear from them only rarely. Maybe they take days to reply to messages or ignore some messages entirely, especially meaningful ones.
They might say, “I’d rather talk about important things in person.” Which sounds great, of course — until they don’t follow up.
They avoid the word ‘relationship’
Emotional unavailability can involve commitment and intimacy fears. You might participate in relationship behaviors with someone — go on dates, spend the night together, meet each other’s friends — but they don’t want to talk about having an official relationship.
As long as you keep dating casually, things go pretty well. But when you try to swim to deeper waters, they might make a break for the safer shores of casual dating.
Use caution if someone you’re involved with:
- says, “I’m not looking for anything serious” — unless, of course, you also want to keep things casual
- talks a lot about a recent ex
- talks about unrequited feelings for a friend
- says they have a fear of commitment
It’s always possible you caught them at a time when they feel ready to work toward change.
Usually, though, someone who says these things means them.
You never seem to grow closer
In the beginning of the relationship, they openly share vulnerabilities or say how much they enjoy spending time together. But things never get serious.
It’s tempting to try to make things work with someone who seems distant. You might believe they just need to find the right person. If you can reach them when no one else can, your relationship has the potential to last, right? You just have to try a little harder.
But that’s how emotional unavailability can trap you.
Unless they do some work themselves, you’ll continue investing energy into the relationship with the goal of someday getting closer. Meanwhile, they’ll keep avoiding reciprocation, so you’ll drain yourself until you’re too emotionally exhausted to continue.
They reflect your feelings instead of offering their own
Pay attention to how someone responds when you share emotions.
Do they express their feelings uniquely? Or do they mirror back what you say with, “I feel the same way”?
Not everyone likes to talk about emotions all the time, but in a relationship, it’s important to connect on an emotional level.
If your partner can’t open up, even when you initiate a conversation and ask direct questions, they may be emotionally unavailable.
They show up late or blow off plans
Not keeping commitments or consistently showing up late is a subtle way to keep someone at a distance.
Your partner might still care and even apologize with sincerity.
But they may care more about what they want and have trouble restructuring their life to include you. In other words, they’re not ready to prioritize relationship needs over their own needs.
Maybe some of the above signs resonated with you as traits you’ve noticed in yourself, or things past partners have pointed out to you.
Emotional unavailability doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong.
You may not fully realize how it shows up in your relationships.
Here are some signs to keep in mind.
When commitments approach, you want to back out
Last week, you made plans for a date tomorrow. You felt excited then, but now giving up your free time is the last thing you want to do.
It’s important to take enough time for yourself, absolutely. That said, if you end up canceling plans with your partner more often than not, it may help to consider why you feel the need to avoid spending too much time together.
You operate by keeping your options open
If you want a committed relationship, at some point you’ll need to focus on one partner (or, in a nonmonogamous relationship, your primary partner).
But instead of having a discussion with your current partner about relationship goals like long-term commitment or exclusivity, you continue swiping, going on dates, and generally keeping your eyes open for greener pastures.
You might not want to settle for someone who isn’t exactly right.
But this mindset can limit your ability to dedicate time and energy to someone you already care for. It’s not always possible to find a “perfect” match, but you can still have a great relationship with someone who falls a little short of complete perfection.
You worry about losing yourself in a relationship
If you’re fiercely independent, you might worry getting close to a romantic partner will involve losing that independence. Maybe you like to do things your way, on your schedule, and don’t want to change your life to fit someone else’s.
There’s nothing wrong with that, but it can make you less available. In a healthy relationship, partners balance individual needs with their romantic commitment. It may take some time and exploration to learn how to do this in a way that feels right for you.
Trust doesn’t come easily to you
If someone betrayed your trust in the past, you might avoid exposing your vulnerabilities to anyone else. You might prefer to keep your emotions and thoughts locked down so no one can use them against you.
When a partner urges you to open up and talk about how you’re feeling, you respond by shutting down or changing the subject.
You keep ending up with emotionally unavailable people
If you have a pattern of relationships with emotionally distant partners, consider whether you’re getting back what you’re putting out.
At first, it might seem easy and fun to date people who don’t ask a lot of you emotionally. But if, deep down, you really want more from a relationship, these flings won’t fulfill you for long.
A number of factors can contribute to emotional unavailability. It’s not uncommon to find more than one cause at the heart of this issue.
Attachment issues
Childhood attachment to primary caregivers can play a significant part in emotional unavailability.
If your caregivers didn’t show interest in your feelings or offer much affection and support, you may have absorbed this as a relationship model.
As an adult, your attachment to romantic partners might follow this pattern and tend toward avoidant.
Temporary circumstances
Emotional unavailability can also happen temporarily. Many people living with mental health conditions, like depression, may have a hard time sustaining an emotional connection with their loved ones during a flare-up.
Others might want to focus on their career, a friend having difficulties, or something else unexpected.
Breakup grief
Experiencing relationship pain can make it tough to become vulnerable with a new partner.
This is especially true if you’re recovering from:
- unpleasant breakups
- infidelity
- unrequited feelings
- relationship toxicity or abuse
Any of these can contribute to feelings of low self-esteem, which can make it even more difficult to experience and share intimacy.
Emotional unavailability doesn’t have to be permanent. It’s a complex issue, though, and some underlying causes may be harder to overcome than others.
Change only happens when someone is willing to work at creating it, so you can’t make an emotionally unavailable partner more available.
But you can try these strategies:
- Bring up concerning behaviors, like avoiding making plans or sharing feelings.
- Point out, compassionately, how those behaviors affect your relationship.
- Encourage them to connect with a therapist, or offer to try couples counseling with them.
- Offer encouragement and support when they do open up.
If you’re trying to become more emotionally available yourself, the following tips can help.
Identify the cause
Exploring the root issues can give you insight on how to deal with emotional unavailability.
If you’ve gone through a nasty breakup, for example, you may just need some more time before trying to get close to someone again.
But if something more serious, like childhood neglect, affects your ability to get close to others, it’s wise to talk to a therapist. Coping with the effects of trauma or abuse generally requires professional support.
Practice opening up
It’s often helpful to get more comfortable expressing emotions on your own before trying to share them with a romantic partner.
To do this, consider these ideas:
- Keep a journal of your feelings.
- Use art or music to practice emotional expression.
- Talk to trusted people, like close friends or family members, about emotions.
- Share emotional issues or vulnerabilities via text first.
Take it slow
Once you realize you’ve been emotionally distant, you might want to begin changing that immediately.
Overnight improvement isn’t realistic, though. True vulnerability takes time, and pushing yourself to open up before you’re ready can sometimes trigger distress or discomfort.
A better approach? Small, gradual changes.
To put it another way, it never hurts to step out of your comfort zone, but you don’t need to leave it completely in the dust.
Involve your partner
As you explore factors contributing to emotional unavailability and work on becoming more available, communicate with your partner about what you learn.
You may have an easier time enlisting their support if they understand why you tend to pull away.
Explore helpful strategies together, such as:
- sharing emotions by leaving notes for each other
- staying connected via text when you need physical space
Spend time with people in healthy relationships
When emotional unavailability stems from attachment issues or unhealthy relationship patterns, it can help to learn more about what healthy relationships look like.
One way to study healthy relationships involves time in the field. Think of friends or family members in strong, long-term relationships, ideally people you spend a good amount of time with. Pay attention to how they interact with their partners.
This won’t give you a full picture, but it can provide some useful insight.
Talk to a therapist
Emotional unavailability isn’t always something you can work through alone, and that’s OK.
If you continue having trouble with emotional vulnerability and feel distressed about the difficulties it causes in your relationships, a therapist can offer guidance and support.
In therapy, you can work to identify potential causes and take steps to break unhelpful relationship patterns.
If you’re already in a relationship, couples counseling can go a long way to helping you and your partner address any challenges together.
Still have some pressing questions about emotional unavailability? We’ve got answers.
Can emotionally unavailable people fall in love?
Some people don’t find it easy to recognize or express key emotions, like anger or love. But that doesn’t mean they don’t experience those emotions at all.
Emotionally unavailable people can certainly fall in love. They just might have a harder time recognizing when it happens and putting their feelings into words.
Remember, emotional unavailability often stems from a deeper fear of intimacy or rejection — fears that can complicate someone’s experiences with love.
If falling in love feels scary or threatening, it’s only natural that they might want to try and avoid it entirely. When it seems like you’re getting closer, they may pull back to protect themselves.
How do emotionally unavailable people show love?
Just as emotionally unavailable people may not always find it easy to identify feelings of love, they might have a harder time demonstrating affection with words.
They might not say, “I love you” or tell you how much you mean to them. Instead, they might express their feelings through gestures or actions, like doing something nice for you or surprising you with a gift. These actions can make it clear they’re thinking of you.
Maybe they keep that hard-to-find coffee creamer you love stocked in their refrigerator, ready for the mornings after you stay over.
Or you might make an offhand comment about losing your favorite knitted hat. Two weeks later, you’re hanging out when they say, “Oh, yeah, here you go” and pass you a hat, knitted by hand in your favorite colors.
Can emotionally unavailable people miss you?
Someone may not have the emotional availability to carry on a committed relationship, but they can absolutely still care about you.
And if you care about someone, you can miss them.
Maybe they won’t necessarily tell you directly, “You know, I really miss you when we’re not together.” But they might try to connect in other ways — by sharing a meme, a joke, or quote from a TV show you both love, for example.
And sure, they could miss you even if they don’t say anything, unless you reach out first. It’s important to consider, though, whether you need more communication for the relationship to work for you.
Emotional unavailability, on either side, can cause a lot of frustration and distress. But it doesn’t mean you have to give up on your relationship.
Talking to your partner, or taking time to explore your own behaviors, can help you start identifying possible issues and working through them productively.
Patience, communication, and support from a therapist can help, especially if you don’t seem to be getting anywhere on your own.
Crystal Raypole writes for Healthline and Psych Central.
Her fields of interest include Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health, along with books, books, and more books. In particular, she’s committed to helping decrease stigma around mental health issues. She lives in Washington with her son and a lovably recalcitrant cat.
7 signs of an emotionally unavailable partner
Let's start with the main thing: it is really difficult for an emotionally unavailable person to share his feelings and really get close to other people. As a rule, there is a crisis of trust and a fear of intimacy behind this - this causes him to be fickle and avoid relationships.
Usually the reasons for this are in a complex intricacies of personality traits and painful experiences (especially loss, rejection or abandonment). All this forms the style of behavior with others. nine0003
Such people are often called toxic or narcissistic traits are attributed to them. Sometimes this is true, but more often it is not.
Early loss or the painful experience of rejection can indeed be difficult to bear. And the extreme degree of natural shyness makes a person close against his will.
It can be difficult for these people to give up their defenses, the prospect of intimacy with others scares them so much. What else makes them different?
1. They are afraid of deep conversations
It is not easy for them to plunge into the world of feelings and emotions - they are ready to listen to a partner, but only for the time being. At the moment when it becomes completely unbearable, they simply change the subject, and when they are required to make any commitments, they feel cornered. nine0003
2. Intimacy for them always coexists with fear
Love and close relationships always come with an “add-on weight” in the form of inevitable (as it seems to them) conflicts, life dramas or potential rejection - everything that happened to them before.
3. They have real trust problems
If a person has suffered a lot, it is difficult for him to enter into any relationship with an open heart - it is too scary to be vulnerable again and experience new pain.
4. They do not know how to express feelings
Often, emotionally unavailable people simply do not have the skill of expressing everything that is on their souls. This does not mean that experiences are alien to them, they just do not know how to share them.
5. Often they easily and quickly cut ties with people
Moreover, any ties, including family ones. Which, of course, brings a lot of suffering to others. But at the same time, the person himself is sure that it will be easier this way than painfully choosing words and explaining himself, risking offending another.
6. They often choose a relationship at a distance
Or they enter into a relationship with a person who is not free - it's easier to keep the distance they need and not take the “next step”.
7. They are interested in others, slowly opening up in response
Asking questions and listening to answers is easier for them than talking about themselves. And the interlocutor, as a rule, such attention and interest is extremely pleasant - until it becomes clear that he himself did not know anything about the partner.
What to do - run away?
First of all, you need to understand that not all emotionally unavailable people are toxic. Most are not to blame for the chosen style of behavior, moreover, they usually have good reasons. If you have patience and let the person begin to trust you, he can open up and become a great partner.
But the main thing is to understand how you yourself feel in these relationships. If it’s hard, if doubts gnaw and nothing changes over time, perhaps you should ask yourself the question: is it worth it? Your life and your happiness is above all. nine0003
5 signs that someone is emotionally unavailable
Last updated - June 24, 2022, last checked by an expert January 29, 2022.- Definition
- Causes
- Signs
- Is this the same as narcissism?
It's natural to be emotionally unavailable when you have a lot to do or need your own space. But what about people who insist on doing so?
Perhaps at some point you felt that someone you care about could not be close to you emotionally.
Maybe they seemed distant, unkind, or uninterested. nine0003
But what about people who often seem like this? How can you recognize an emotionally unavailable person in general?
While everyone is different and there are many reasons why someone might be emotionally withdrawn, there are a few tell-tale signs of emotional unavailability.
Learning to recognize them can help you make decisions about your relationships and protect yourself if you feel like you're investing in someone emotionally unavailable. nine0003
What is emotional unavailability?
The emotionally unavailable person has persistent difficulty expressing or processing emotions or emotional closeness with other people.
All people are different and can express emotional unavailability in their own way. However, in general, they may seem withdrawn or find it difficult to talk about their feelings. They may avoid certain topics or situations that involve emotional displays, for example.
“When we say someone is emotionally unavailable, we mean that they are uncomfortable feeling their own emotions, sharing their emotions with others, or being present and responding to others' emotions,” says Dr. Lindsey Jernigan, a licensed clinical psychologist in South Burlington, state of Vermont.
“Painful emotions, or emotions that make a person feel emotionally vulnerable, are especially difficult.”
On the other hand, an emotionally available person is comfortable sharing an emotional connection with someone else, and this includes emotional intimacy. nine0003
Emotional unavailability can affect all types of relationships, including:
- Romantic partnerships
- close friendships and acquaintances
- parent-child relationships
- business associations
Although anyone can be affected by emotional unavailability stage of life, certain cultural, family and gender influences may come into play.
“Many people, especially gender-identified men, receive culturally reinforced messages that emotional vulnerability is a “weakness,” and in response they develop patterns of emotional unavailability in an attempt to conform to cultural gender expectations,” Jernigan says.
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However, it is a misconception that only men develop emotional unavailability or that all men are emotionally unavailable.
What causes emotional unavailability?
There are probably many reasons for emotional unavailability. But much of the research on the topic has focused on attachment theory and early parent-child relationships.
Children's attachment to caregivers can play a key role in emotional intimacy. When caregivers withhold affection and emotional support or chastise a child for emotional displays, children tend to repeat this pattern of behavior in their adult relationships. nine0003
Those children who do not respond adequately to their emotional needs may be more likely to develop an avoidant attachment style. This means that they will be more independent physically and emotionally, and it will be more difficult for them to enter into close relationships with other people or rely on them.
Jernigan says that “attachment wounds,” such as a history of being abandoned, neglected, or ridiculed, can also lead to emotional unavailability.
These wounds may develop in childhood or later in life. nine0003
“Staying at an emotional distance in such cases serves the purpose of self-protection,” she says. “If I don’t need to feel, then I don’t need to be hurt, and if I don’t feel too close to you, then I’m not especially vulnerable to you hurting my feelings.”
Other factors, such as cultural and gender influences, may play a role in someone's tendency to be emotionally unavailable.
“That's not to say that emotional availability can't be developed if it doesn't come naturally, but some differences in comfort spectrum with emotions are likely part of natural human variability,” Jernigan says. nine0003
Emotional inaccessibility may look different depending on the situation, but the general theme is that dealing with emotions is a challenge.
Here are a few signs that tell you that someone is emotionally unavailable:
They avoid intimacy.
“The discomfort of vulnerability causes some people to distance themselves from their own emotional experiences, making it almost impossible to interact with others with emotional closeness and depth,” Jernigan says.
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She adds that lack of physical affection or eye contact can also be an indicator of emotional unavailability, although this is not the rule.
When your loved one avoids intimate conversations or situations, it may seem like they don't trust you. But most of the time it's not personal. They are used to relying on themselves and being self-sufficient.
You may also find yourself “hitting the wall” every time you try to get close to them. nine0003
They avoid commitment
Commitment is often difficult for an emotionally unavailable person.
For example, they may delay writing your romantic relationship label or initiating the next step, such as a marriage proposal.
In friendships, a person may be hesitant to make plans or often cancel them. He may also feel uncomfortable if you express love for him or treat him like a confidant. nine0003
Their apparent fear of commitment may make you feel insecure about your relationship with them.
They may prefer casual relationships with a few partners, or they may end relationships if things get “too serious.”
They are easily defensive
An emotionally unavailable person tends to react defensively. Or they may blame you or someone else for their problems. They find it difficult to trust others.
Although an emotionally unavailable person may react to a situation, they are usually reluctant to tell you how they really feel about it.
“Someone emotionally unavailable rarely initiates conversations that involve discussion of relationship dynamics, resentments, or requests for behavior change,” Jernigan says.
They are unavailable
If you tell them you need them, emotionally unavailable people tend to run the other way. Sometimes they are literally nowhere to be found when you want to talk. nine0003
Or they may stay close, but they will try to minimize your emotional manifestations. They may also try to change the subject or simply walk away from an emotional conversation.
Someone who is emotionally unavailable may stubbornly want to support “light” topics, even when you tell them you need to clear your head or need advice.
They may not empathize with your feelings
Because they tend to “turn off” emotions and lack discernment, emotionally unavailable people may also show low empathy—an inability to understand or share the feelings of others. nine0003
In other words, an emotionally unavailable person may not be able to relate to or consider your feelings.
It doesn't necessarily mean that they don't care, but they still behave in a certain way regardless of your feelings.
Because the emotionally unavailable person is uncomfortable exploring their own emotions, they may not be able to meet the emotional needs of others as well.
“Lack of exploration of one's own emotional landscape leads to a lack of personal insight and, ultimately, limited comfort and perception of other people's feelings,” Jernigan says.
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Emotional withdrawal versus narcissistic personality
Although the features of emotional withdrawal and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) may overlap, they are not the same thing.
An emotionally unavailable person has difficulty expressing or managing emotions. However, someone with narcissistic traits may also have:
- an exaggerated sense of self-worth
- feelings of superiority
- self-esteem
- persistent need to be powerful, successful, smart, admired or loved
- persistently low empathy
Outcome
Relationships can be difficult when one of the parties is emotionally unavailable.
“It's not something you can fix for them, and it's not something they can quickly and easily change about themselves for you,” Jernigan says. “Participating in this process with someone takes time, patience and compassion.”
If you are in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person, it is important to understand that this is not something he can turn back at will.
