Why people don t listen
Reasons You Don't Listen I Psych Central
Listening is a part of our waking hours, but sometimes it’s easy to tune out. Understanding why you’re not listening well and how to improve your listening skills can open your ears to hear more.
Every day we hear words coming out of people’s mouths. However, listening to those words is different than just hearing them.
According to the Oxford English dictionary, the word “hear” is defined as “perceive with the ear the sound made by (someone or something),” whereas the word “listen” is defined as “make an effort to hear something; be alert and ready to hear something.”
“Listening is hard work,” Michael P Nichols, PhD, professor of psychological sciences and author of “The Lost Art of Listening,” says. “It takes concentration and effort and self-restraint.”
While it’s not necessary to listen with concentrated attention all the time – such as during casual conversations – Nichols says that listening is important when talking with people you care about or when someone is talking about something they care about.
“Then you need to listen with effort,” Nichols says. “When someone is talking about something important to them, or they are moved by strong feelings, they need to be listened to more carefully.”
Understanding why people don’t listen can help improve your listening skills. Here are few to consider.
You have the urge to tell your story
When someone is talking, Nichols says, instead of listening, we want to talk about what’s on our mind.
“We frequently interrupt to tell a similar story or say something about our own experience,” Nichols states. “It’s a natural impulse, but it needs to be restrained if someone is talking, and they need to be listened to.”
You want to give advice
When someone is sharing something that is upsetting or if the person talking is unhappy, it can be uncomfortable to listen to them. In hopes of getting the person to feel better, so you don’t have to feel uncomfortable, you might be inclined to tell them how to solve their unhappiness or tell them not to feel upset.
“We know that it’s not OK to say something like, ‘Well, if your dog died, why don’t you go out and get a new one?’ but we get around to that eventually,” says Nichols.
You just want everything to be OK
Because it’s unpleasant to be around someone frustrated or upset, especially if you care about the person, Nichols says you might tend to want to make their pain or frustration go away rather than sit with them in their pain.
For example, if someone tells you they lost a job or were diagnosed with an illness, rather than listening to the details of their situation, he says people tend to say things like, “You’ll get through this” or “Things will look up.”
You react emotionally
If you are being criticized, emotions are triggered, and it is natural to get defensive and not listen to what the person is saying.
This can also happen if a person is talking about something you don’t agree with.
“For instance, if I tell you, I wouldn’t get vaccinated because it’s a government hoax, this might make you upset, and you might fire back right away without listening to my entire reasoning,” states Nichols.
“It might be better if you hear me out and then acknowledge what I’m saying before saying your opinion.”
You’re bored
Even if someone is talking about something that feels important to them, it might not be interesting or important to you. Feeling bored can make it harder to tap into your listening skills.
Nichols adds, “One of the reasons people get bored is that they listen without interest and passively. So, if someone is talking to you, ask questions and get involved in the conversation.”
You’re distracted
Distractions – internal or external – are sometimes hard to ignore.
How many of us will turn our heads when we hear a loud noise? If you’re watching an action film with lots of explosions and car chases, it’s pretty hard to carry on a conversation at the same time.
Loud noises aren’t the only distractions, either. Sometimes instead of listening, we might find our minds wandering to things we need to do later.
While someone is talking, you might be occupied thinking about what you’re going to cook for dinner or what time the pharmacy or dry cleaner closes.
To focus on the person when they’re talking, it’s important to get rid of both internal and external distractions.
You think you know what people are thinking
While people tend to think they communicate better with close friends than with strangers, an older study found that sociologists believe that closeness can lead to closeness-communication bias – an overestimation of how you communicate.
As a result, sociologists suggest that people actively pay attention to strangers’ perspectives because they don’t know them well. However, when it comes to a friend, they rely more on their own perspective or assume that they always understand what they are saying because they know the person.
“If you are close to someone, you think you know what they’re going to say, so you tend to interrupt and say, ‘Yeah, I know what you mean,’ or you don’t hear them out,” says Nichols.
If you’re looking to improve how you listen, the following tips can be helpful.
Realize it takes effort
Understanding that listening, not just hearing, takes hard work is the first step to becoming a better listener, says Nichols.
“When someone is talking about something important, [consider] making an effort to understand not only what they are saying, but what they are trying to express,” he encourages.
Empathize with the person
When someone is talking, try to acknowledge what the person is saying with a brief empathic comment.
“Often punctuated with an exclamation point like, ‘Oh man!’ or ‘Gee, that’s a shame!’” says Nichols.
Invite more conversation
A good listener will ask questions that encourage the person to expand on what they are sharing.
“Questions designed not to be a detective, but rather to invite the person to say more,” says Nichols.
Phrases like, “Tell me more about that,” or “How did that happen?” can keep the conversation going.
Acknowledge you are listening
Repeating back what you think the person is saying can let them know you’re making the effort to understand them.
“People often acknowledge with a brief statement that says, ‘I know exactly what you mean,’ which suggests you’re really saying, ‘I got it.
Let’s move on,’” states Nichols.
He suggests using phrases that show you are trying to understand but want to make sure you do, like, “OK, so you’re saying we shouldn’t get a vaccine. Do I have that right?” or “Is it the way he talked to you that upset you?”
Don’t overdo body language
While many people think direct eye contact, nodding, and making sounds like ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ show someone you are listening to them, Nichols warns that overdoing this can look insincere.
“All those are motivated by the desire to look like you’re a good listener, but if you do listen well, maybe you nod and make eye contact, but making a point of it is saying, ‘Look at me; I’m a good listener,” he suggests.
Try not to multitask
While the urge to multitask is always there, consider putting activities like scrolling on your phone, cleaning the dishes, and others on hold when someone is talking with you.
“If you care about someone, pay attention to them and what they are saying,” says Nichols.
However, when it comes to technology and communication, such as texts and emails from family and friends, he adds that failing to respond can come across as not listening.
“Try to answer and acknowledge tasks. [Consider] responding no matter what they said. It makes people feel understood,” Nichols says.
Practice mindful listening
Practicing mindfulness helps you stay present. This practice isn’t useful only for meditation and lowering stress. It can also help you become a more active listener.
If you tend to zone out when listening, practicing mindful listening will help you learn to focus on what the person is saying without distractions.
Before you start your conversation, remove all distractions such as phones, electronic devices, or computers. If you’re watching a movie, turn it off and turn your attention to the person who’s talking. Take the time while you’re silencing or shutting off your electronics to practice some deep breathing techniques to help prepare yourself to listen.
When you train your mind to become more focused in the moment, you will learn to listen more effectively.
Listening is hard work and takes effort, however, there are ways you can learn to become a better listener.
8 Reasons Why People Don’t Listen To You
Have you ever been speaking to someone who clearly wasn’t listening?
Or maybe they appeared to be listening, and then later did the opposite of what you had talked about?
Or maybe you’ve been speaking to a group, and noticed your audience disengaging, talking amongst themselves, or playing on their phones.
We’ve ALL experienced this at some point. And it can feel frustrating, disrespectful, annoying and upsetting.
In last week’s podcast I shared why being a good listener is so powerful – one of the reasons is it builds rapport, respect and relationships. NOT listening can have an equally powerful effect – in the opposite way. It can RUIN relationships.
And yes, you can do everything you can to develop the skill of listening, but what can you do about people who don’t listen to YOU?
And that is what this episode is all about.
You’re going to discover 8 reasons WHY others may not be listening to you, and you’ll walk away with powerful techniques for how to fix it.
8 Reasons Why People Don’t Listen To You
1. You’re not listening to THEM
Communication is a two way street – if you want people to listen to you, start by being a great listener yourself.
Why? When others feel understood and heard, they will like and trust you more, the relationship will be a in a better place, and as a result, they will be much more open to hearing what you have to say.
Listen to last week’s episode for 8 tips on how to be a great listener.
2. You don’t believe you deserve to be heard
This is a powerful mindset shift you need to make. If you DON’T believe you deserve to be heard, it comes across in the way you speak and how you physically present yourself.
You may speak quietly, or hunch your shoulders, or appear nervous. Whether consciously or unconsciously, your audience will pick up on this.
To an audience – if the speaker doesn’t believe she deserves to be heard, why would they bother listening to her?
I do a lot of work with my clients to help them to shift their mindset. And this one is key: shifting from “My ideas aren’t valuable, I don’t deserve to be heard” to “I DO have good ideas that deserve to be heard. In fact, I am doing my team a disservice if I don’t share them!”
Try this yourself – it makes a big impact.
3. You’re ignoring your audience and their needs
I hate to break it to you, but when you get up to speak, the audience isn’t thinking about you. Nope. All they are thinking is about themselves, and asking the question: “What’s in it for me?”
If you want your audience to sit up, pay attention and listen (whether you’re talking to one person or one hundred people), you MUST address their needs.
What does this look like? Sharing with your audience UPFRONT what RESULT they are going to get from listening to you, as well as why it is important they listen.
If you launch into the content without addressing WHY first, I can guarantee that most of your audience will tune out and start wondering what they’re going to have for lunch.
Listen to Episode 119: Why You Should Stop Making It All About You for more tips on how to do this.
4. People can’t hear you
Sounds simple, right? If it’s too hard to hear you, people will tune out. I’ve experienced this at networking meetings where someone will be introduced to speak, and they will start talking while people are still applauding, or while the sounds of chairs moving or general noise is still present.
As starting your presentation strong is critical to your overall impact as a speaker, it’s important you wait for complete silence and ensure you have everyone’s attention before you open your mouth to speak.
If, during your presentation there is a loud noise or a distraction, don’t be afraid to pause and wait for the noise to finish. If possible, don’t attempt to talk louder over the noise – this just makes it harder for the audience.
5. Your audience is distracted
Observe your audience (again, this can be an audience of 1 or 100). Look for visual clues they aren’t listening – such as eyes darting around, looking down, or shifting in their seats.
Instead of ignoring it and powering through your presentation (or, hurriedly trying to finish quickly), stay calm and call them out. You don’t have to be rude about it – be friendly and ask “Is everything OK? Do you have something you need to attend to?” This can work really well in 1 on 1 or small group situations.
Give them an opportunity to deal with the distraction first – when this is taken care of, they will be in a much better place to listen to you.
For larger groups, see tip 6 below 🙂
6. They have heard you through their own filter
We all have different ways of viewing the world, and different ways of hearing messages. For example, one person’s “I gave constructive feedback” is another person’s “She gave me a verbal bashing!”
When you’re explaining something, it can be very useful to ask your conversation buddy to repeat back what they understand the message or next steps to be.
For example: “So, John, I know we’ve covered quite a lot in this conversation. Would you mind repeating back what you understand the task to be?”
Then, when John repeats it back, you can agree or gently correct where there may have been a misunderstanding. Don’t just say “Does that make sense?” – most people will just nod and say “Yep!” even if they don’t understand.
7. You haven’t checked in with them
Have you ever had a conversation whether the other person talks the whole time and doesn’t ask you any questions? I have, and it prompts me to remind myself to never speak to them ever again.
I don’t care how big your audience is, communication is a two way street. You MUST check in with them and ask them questions to keep them engaged.
When I MC events, I am constantly checking in with the audience. I ask “Are we ready for our next speaker? Yes or no?” And I’ll wait until I get a loud “YES” in unison. If I get a lukewarm response, I say “I need a verbal confirmation from you.
Yes or no?” Eventually, they all shout YES.
You can do this on video calls – ask your participant for a ‘thumbs up’ or a wave – do whatever you can to keep them engaged. Right now, I’ve been using the Auslan sign for applause (see below) – it looks great on a video call!
Listen to the podcast to hear the 8th reason why people don’t listen to you!
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Reasons why other people don't listen to you
There are main reasons why people don't listen to us:
1. You talk a lot about your problems.
People talk about a lot, share their opinions, interests, incidents from life, and just the events taking place around them... It happens sometimes that the conversation "slides" into everyday concerns.
This is good, this is normal, we all need friendly participation! And we are ready to share this participation and support with those around us! But measure is good in everything... there are people who know how to bring any topic of conversation to themselves, their problems and worries. They do not listen to the other person, they get off with phrases like: “Yes, yes, of course ... But I have ...”, “This is, of course, good. But you listen to what's wrong with me..." or even "better" - "It's all nonsense, nonsense, you listen to me, I have something like this..." etc.
We all can (and even must, for the sake of a sincere conversation) periodically show our own weakness, need for help and participation, but if this becomes a constant topic for our communication (as some say, “we whine all the time”), it is extremely difficult for the interlocutor and he begins to avoid communication with us.
Willingness, the ability to “open up” to another, express one's sorrows and sorrows, this is a good ability.
However, it is wonderful when it is combined with a willingness to take responsibility for one's life, one's affairs, with a demonstration of self-confidence and readiness to solve one's problems and worries on one's own or with someone else's help.
2. You are talking about the past.
Have you ever heard the conversations of seasoned (old) people who very often use the phrase "Here I was once ..." or "I am in your age ...". On the one hand, they inspire respect, only because it comes from the lips of experienced (elderly) people, but on the other hand, no one listens to them, because a person talks about what happened a long time ago in his life, forgetting that they are valued only those successes that a person is achieving now.
It is the same with children (and even adults) who remember what they once achieved: no one listens to them, since everyone can boast of some past successes. Well, what is currently happening? It is the achievements that you are making now that cause admiration and respect from other people.
Because you not only talk about your goals, but also take certain steps to achieve them.
3. Your words don't match your deeds.
One should be wary of those people who talk about their future achievements as if they had already happened. These people so skillfully stick together their story from past successes, a few present achievements and what they still have to do that others involuntarily begin to believe in their worth. But in this case, there is nothing more than empty chatter. After all, a person talks about a future that he has not yet reached, linking it already with past successes and backing it up with a few current achievements (and often with an ordinary reputation that he really worked on earlier).
However, it is known that people value not only words in a person, but especially his actions. It is the way he works to realize his words that more eloquently reveals the real picture of his life and the seriousness of what he said. If you just say that you will achieve something, but do nothing at the same time, then your words are empty words that will not carry significance for other people.
4. You do not give your own example
People are ready and willing to implement "great plans". It can be peers in the class organizing a long-awaited event (hike, walk or excursion), employees of a large firm, members of an organization, or those who have decided to support some group of people. But in some cases the Leaders (Leaders, Organizers) are followed, in others they are not. And the problem is whether the leader himself is the inspirer and executor of his words.
How would you react if you became a temporary member of some organization in which the commander only commands (issues decrees), but then does nothing himself (goes home, on his own business), leaving all actions to the will of his friends (Subordinates )? Would you like to follow such a leader? So it is in life: if you want to be followed, then you must not only Command (Issue decrees), but also carry them out yourself. You must become an example for those you inspire and communicate with. To be trusted as a person of "action".
So what are we talking about anyway?!
…and do they want to talk to us?
10 reasons why the interlocutor does not listen to you
You speak, even scream, but you are not heard - this is one of the most common nightmares, and not only in a dream. Quite real friends, mom, colleagues and boyfriend seem to put on imaginary earplugs when you try to discuss something with them. Why do people refuse to accept information if it comes from you? But listen.
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conversations with a partner
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How to have a dialogue
PEXELS
Reason 1
You are talking not with those
Staming the desired gadget with a grandmother, about the successes of a one-year-old daughter with friends-Caryist and the torment of conscience with politicians, you doom the conversation for the failure.
What to do?
Evaluate soberly who is interested in words and who is not, look for “suitable” ears. If they are not with friends and relatives, then you have matured to expand your circle of acquaintances. The Internet will help you, everyone will find an interlocutor there.
Reason 2
You are talking to the wrong people - 2
The claim is the same, but the essence is completely different. For example, you describe in colors to your friend your claims to your loved one. On the one hand, there is a feeling of relief from having finally spoken out, on the other hand, misunderstanding only grows: you talk so much about your problems, and your partner is completely deaf to your words! However, the boss will not hear your position if you told about it not to him, but to the whole office. And if he hears (suddenly entering the office), this is unlikely to please you.
What to do?
Understand where you are sending the request: to a specific person or to the universe. Try to make a written petition - on paper, we usually formulate problems more clearly. Write, say, a letter to the city administration. Ask not the neighbors, but the mayor (through the electronic reception) why there is still no lighting in your yard. And in a month, rejoice at the twisted light bulb. Heard!
Reason 3
You are too wordy
The story of how you traveled for five minutes in an overcrowded bus takes half an hour (the horned one has already managed to get to the final one). And it’s always like this: out of a thousand tons of verbal ore, it’s really difficult for others to isolate a “gram of precious cargo”.
What to do?
Work on your ability to summarize.
For these purposes, it is useful to play translator. I came across a TV show in the style of "Let them talk" - do not change the channel, but try to compress the characters' monologues to one or two sentences. When another old woman from the audience “says” only a dozen words with your lips, without losing the meaning, consider it time to be proud of yourself.
Reason 4
You often say the spell: "No one listens to me"
This is nothing less than a signal to space. And he reacts with lightning speed: as you say, so be it. Yes, and people may not listen to you, but they do, they say, since you want us to ignore you, so be it.
What to do?
Save this exclamation for special occasions. If you say it once a year, you will be heard. And to phrases a la “I’m talking to the wall again!” completely taboo. Otherwise, even the most sensitive and attentive of friends runs the risk of turning into a wall.
Reason 5
You are the last to speak
For example, in a meeting, towards the end of a brainstorming session, you come up with something brilliant. But the attackers are tired, they listen to each other's ideas with half an ear, so your words will reach them, let's say tomorrow in the format “Oh! A thought came to me!”, “And to me!”. “Just a breakthrough of the collective unconscious! You get angry and gnaw your pencil furiously. “Why didn’t they hear me when I was talking about this?”
What to do?
Louder voice, more energetic speech - pull the team out of sleep. And if you start with a joke on topics that are not directly related to the meeting, you will even more likely turn your attention to yourself. And next time, raise your hand at the very beginning of the assault.
Reason 6
You are being used as a psychotherapist
An acquaintance tells how he is confused, suffers and almost died.
You offer him ten ways to get out of the situation (just like VOICE), but they don't seem to hear you.
What to do?
Get out of Chip and Dale. For many, it is enough to talk about the problems, then to solve it on their own. So better listen and sigh in unison until the fountain of someone else's eloquence dries up.
Cause 7
You are in the shadows
There is a smarter, louder, or (yes, it happens) brighter person nearby - Julia Roberts, for example, or the head of human resources. Therefore, even if you shout: “Look, the tsunami!”, You are perceived as a background and listen to Julia Roberts.
What to do?
If you don't want to put up with the situation, play deja vu. Leave the theater of action and reappear after a while. Or let Julia go.
Reason 8
You speak incomprehensibly
Metaphors, terms, slang words - anything but intelligible phrases.
You yourself understand that "in everyday dialogue, it is difficult for poorly adapted individuals to assess the degree of emotional expressiveness of your professional slang, and not every mind is subject to teaching." Repeat! Can not? So you didn't listen at all, did you?
What to do?
Keep it simple! And forever decide what is more important for you: to look erudite or still be understood.
Reason 9
The interlocutor is more interested in his person than in conversation meeting, and not what you say directly during it.
What to do?
To understand, to ask, to be glad that she has outgrown a difficult period of self-doubt. If it is important for you that the person remembers your words, unobtrusively duplicate the information later - send an SMS or a message in the chat.
Reason 10
You talk about the same things too often
You complain to your husband about the lack of attention, to your girlfriend about your husband, to your colleagues about fatigue.
