How to tell if your man is gay
35 Signs to Tell If a Guy is Gay & What to Do If Your Boyfriend is Bisexual
How many times in the past have you decided that you really liked a guy, only to find out he was gay? You might have been totally convinced he was straight at the start, but you missed some very important signs. Or what if you’re dating someone, and start to see the signs your boyfriend is gay or bisexual?
You see, when you like someone, it’s easy to convince yourself of all sorts. Yet, learning how to tell if your boyfriend or a guy is gay isn’t that easy.
It’s pretty embarrassing to pluck up the courage to ask a guy out, only for him to tell you that he’s gay. There’s really nothing you can say to it, other than “oh okay!” You’ll slope away, kicking yourself for not knowing. But, really, how could you?
You may be wondering how to tell if a guy likes you or if he’s gay and swings the other way! After all, It’s not like all guy men walk around with a sign over their heads to inform you of their sexual preference. Some signs are extremely subtle, or not visible at all! By understanding the signs your boyfriend is gay or bisexual, you can cut out the confusion on your side and work out what to do. [Read: 20 sexually enlightening movies all about sexuality]
Why you should never trust your gaydar
Put simply, the very notion of having a gaydar is nothing short of ridiculous. You might think you’re pretty good at figuring how to tell if a guy is gay and who isn’t, but as we’ve already mentioned, it’s not like every gay man goes out of their way to make it obvious.
Gay men don’t walk any differently, they don’t sound any different, and most don’t act any differently either. Neither do bisexual guys. That’s why it’s hard to tell.
Many girls have embarrassed themselves asking out a guy, only for him to turn around and tell her that he’s sorry, but she doesn’t have the right appendage for him! The good news is that many girls manage to laugh this off and they end up becoming great friends.
For that reason, throw out the very notion of having some all-knowing gaydar, and simply go with your guy. These signs should help you. [Read: Are you a straight woman in love with a gay man?]
Contrary to popular belief, it’s not easy to pick a gay or bisexual guy from a group of men. Anyone could be gay, and you might never know it.
But instead of relying on how flashy they dress or how they stretch the words in a conversation, look for other cues. Then you’ll be able to see the obvious signs your boyfriend is gay or bisexual, the signs many people overlook.
1. He isn’t interested in sex with you
Now, this is not reason enough, but it’s only the start of many more signs. Sometimes, a man could be in a happy marriage for several years and enjoy a great sex life before he realizes that he’s gay and likes men.
Has your man lost his passion for sex even if you try new ways to keep sex exciting? This is one of the signs your boyfriend is gay – or possibly bisexual.
Is he a wonderful and understanding partner who likes spending time with you, but avoids kissing passionately or breaks away from the kiss within a few seconds? If he’s not interested in other women, there’s a good chance that he likes another guy.
But, if you’re looking for signs your boyfriend is gay or bisexual, this sign alone might not give you all the information you need. [Read: 15 real reasons why your man doesn’t want to have sex]
2. You often catch him staring at men
This could be one way on how to tell if a guy is gay or bisexual. You catch him staring at men when he thinks you’re not looking. This would be particularly more obvious on a beach when there are a lot of men in their bare minimum, or while clubbing.
It might be very subtle but if you see it on the regular, it could be one of the signs your boyfriend is gay or bisexual.
3. He talks dirty – in a specific way
Many of us love talking dirty or thinking dirty in bed. But does your man have a few sexual fantasies that turn him on more than others? Does he like it when you talk about sexual scenarios where he’s sexually involved with other men?
Experimentation may sound tempting and exciting, but if a gay fantasy is the only thing that turns him on a lot, you may have to ask him to tell you about his fascination for other men.
As such, this is one of the signs your boyfriend is gay – possibly. [Read: How to talk dirty and turn your lover on like no-one else can]
4. He flirts with men
Girls may sweet talk each other. Guys don’t. They never ever do. Guys don’t compliment other guys or flirt with them. In fact, they don’t even try to be nice to each other. They use straight words and say what they mean, even if it comes out wrong.
Only a man who’s sexually interested in another man would try to flirt with another man. So, if your guy is regularly flirting, that could be one of the signs your boyfriend is gay.
5. He likes butt play
Now, not all guys who like a little butt play are gay. But, a guy who gets excited by homosexuality would definitely like something in the ass when he’s having sex. Does your man enjoy getting penetrated by your dildo more than he likes penetrating you? [Read: 10 surprising benefits of anal sex you had no idea about]
Guys love penetrating. If a guy enjoys getting penetrated more than penetrating, you might want to start questioning why.
Could it be one of the signs your boyfriend is gay?
6. Many of his friends live in the closet
Not literally, of course. But, if a man has a lot of friends who are closet gays, there’s a good chance that he too may be one.
We’ve all heard that line, birds of the same feather flock together, and that adage has almost always held true. How to tell if a guy is gay or bisexual? This is one sign.
7. He enjoys the attention of other men more than women
Does your man enjoy watching other semi-clad men when he gets the chance? Or do you catch him “accidentally” flashing a guy, be it on a vacation or somewhere else?
Straight guys may like attention, but only if from the opposite sex. If he likes the attention of other men far more than women, that’s a clear sign that he may be gay or bisexual [Read: Flashing confessions of guys and girls]
8. He enjoys gay porn
Whether they admit it or not, some straight guys watch gay porn now and then too.
Curiosity is watching one or two gay action movies now and then. If your guy enjoys gay porn and he watches it pretty regularly, that’s a sign to be very aware of.
In fact, it’s probably one of the strongest signs your boyfriend is gay and probably doesn’t want to admit it to himself. [Read: How to know if you are gay – All the signs you can’t ignore]
9. He gifts his male friends a lot
He buys expensive gifts for a few of his guy friends. You may assume it’s because of the bond they share, but if he’s constantly buying little luxuries for a good-looking cute male friend, chances are, your man is hitting on him. After all, homosexual men have to woo their lovers too.
If this is the case, it could be a sign your boyfriend is gay and isn’t being honest with you – or maybe himself.
10. There are a lot of secret conversations going on
Have you ever felt like you just missed something when your man’s hanging out with another man around you?
Do you find your man indulging in suspicious non-verbal communication with a male friend, perhaps a lingering gaze, a touch that lasts way longer than necessary, or a man-to-man hug that just feels weird? If so, maybe there is more going on than you realize and that could be how to tell if your boyfriend is gay or bisexual.
[Read: What is flirting? The science behind this common act]
11. He doesn’t talk about other gay men
Now there are two kinds of gay men. Some men go to great lengths to talk about how normal it is to be gay. And other men get snappy and rude when you talk about homosexuality. It’s a reflex-action thing. Intense emotions always bring out intense expressions.
This could be one of the signs your boyfriend is gay or bisexual – don’t always assume he will compliment men, maybe he’s struggling with his sexuality and homophobia is a safety blanket to hide under.
12. He crashes at a friend’s place often
It’s easier for a man to have an affair with another man than to have an affair with a woman. Nobody ever thinks it’s weird for two men to sleep in the same room. But does your man spend a lot of time with a particular friend? [Read: Real signs your man is cheating on you]
If your man likes hanging out with a friend several weekends in a year, and you can’t recollect this friend ever dating any girl, it’s definitely time to become suspicious.
This doesn’t mean you should be suspicious if your boyfriend crashes at his friend’s house once in a while, but if it’s a regular weekly thing, it could be one of the signs your boyfriend is gay or bisexual. [Read: What is cheating in a relationship? The truth most people ignore]
13. He’s very touchy feely with another man
How to tell if a guy is gay potentially? He’s very touchy feely with guys. This is especially obvious when he’s drunk.
When a heterosexual guy’s drunk, he may use this excuse to snuggle up with girls he has a crush on, not with guys.
But if a guy’s hiding his sexual orientation, his will to be subtle about his affection for another gay man who’s present may not be strong enough. He may end up saying or doing something that gives his secret away.
14. You walk in on something you’re not sure about
When you just step into your place and walk in on your man and his friend, do they behave in a weird way like they’re trying to cover something up?
They may be planning your secret birthday party.
But if you constantly catch them in an awkward moment, it’s time to question whether you’re witnessing one of the signs your boyfriend is gay or bisexual. [Read: Why do men cheat? The 43 honest reasons and convincing excuses]
15. You just feel it
How to tell if a guy is gay or bisexual? You just know.
If you’re already on here trying to figure out if the guy you like is gay, then you already have a feeling. Listen to your gut. It may not be always right, but it often is.
So, if you’re unsure and already analyzing what he does, take your own advice and don’t lose sleep over it because you’ve already figured it out. On to the next guy! [Read: Dating feminine men – Is it a boom or bust?]
16. How he talks about women
If he’s talking about women, it still doesn’t mean he’s straight. You should look at the way he talks about women. Usually, heterosexual men are more sexual with their commentary about women.
They’ll talk about her body, her face, ass, etc.
But if your man talks about how nice her coat and boots look together, we would raise an eyebrow at that.
When looking for signs your boyfriend is gay or bisexual, paying attention to how he speaks about others is a good starting point. [Read: Threesome sex or three times the trouble?]
17. He’s secretive about his friends
Haven’t met many of his guy friends? Maybe that’s because if you met them, you’d be suspicious. If he doesn’t bring his friends around or if you’ve never met any of his friends, we would question why. In that case, knowing how to tell if a guy is gay often comes down to what he hides from you.
Of course, this becomes even harder when you’re looking for signs your boyfriend is gay or bisexual because it’s not only men he is interested in.
18. He wants to bring another guy into the bedroom
Out of all the signs your boyfriend is gay or bisexual, this is a strong one. Most guys want to have a threesome, it’s basically every man’s dream.
Now, usually, they want one with two women, but it’s not unusual to have a threesome with two men.
However, if he’s always nudging you for a threesome with two men, that’s odd. Try bringing up a threesome with two women and see how he reacts.
Not so turned on? Yeah, that’s because he’s not into women at all, or not only into women. [Read: The devil’s three-way: 10 ways to master the devil’s threesome]
19. His Internet history is foggy
Have you ended up on his internet history on his phone or computer? Is it always cleared? That’s unusual, wouldn’t you say? Because as far as we know, people only clear their web browsing history when they don’t want people to see what they’ve been looking at.
So, if there are some weird sites he’s been on or if his history is completely blank, well, then we would be curious about that. However, if this is the only sign you’re noticing, it’s nothing to be concerned about; most guys watch porn online and hide their Internet history!
20.
He has questionable sex toysIf you’re with him and you use sex toys together, then that’s not a big deal. However, when you first met him, did he have any toys that were more for gay sex? Like dildos? This one can be tricky because man toys are not necessarily used strictly for straight or gay sex.
Women are usually the ones who bring their own dildos, so it’s odd if he has one already. Yeah, if he has his own dildo, we would question that. It could be that he likes getting pegged, or it could be one of the signs your boyfriend is gay or bisexual. [Read: 15 common types of sex toys all singles and couples must know about]
21. Sexuality matters to him, big time
For people secure with their sexuality, it doesn’t matter who’s gay, bisexual, or straight. But if your boyfriend asks a lot of questions about other people’s sexuality, that’s a sign.
If he asks occasionally, not a big deal. But if it’s a frequent topic when you two are out with other people, it’s weird and could be one of the signs your boyfriend is gay or bisexual.
You really don’t know what he’s doing online. Maybe you found out he has an account on a gay dating site. Well, that’s a pretty good sign he’s gay. Maybe he has a lot of different men on his social media, many of them mutual friends.
No one has copious amounts of men on their social media or joins a gay dating site just out of harmless curiosity. Again, you may be looking at one of the signs your boyfriend is gay or bisexual at the very least. [Read: Social media and relationships – The good, the bad, and the ugly]
23. He had a past sexual experience with a man
So, you found out in his past he had a sexual encounter with another guy, of course, you think he’s gay. But, there are other forms of sexuality on the spectrum. He could be bisexual or maybe it was a one-off thing out of curiosity.
Whatever it was, only he knows, but it could be a sign you need to bear in mind if you can spot other signs to go along with it. [Read: All the things you should never say when dating a bisexual]
24.
He tells you This is really the only way you know for sure where he stands with his sexuality. No matter how many of these signs you see, you never really know until he says it. Basically, learning how to tell if a guy is gay or bisexual is only ever confirmed if it comes out of his mouth.
Sometimes, we allow our suspicions to rule our mind. Now, you’ve just read a whole list of signs your boyfriend is gay or bisexual and that might have got your imagination flowing. But, it’s time to keep things in perspective.
Just because your boyfriend shows one or two of the signs above occasionally doesn’t mean you have anything to worry about necessarily. Yes, your suspicions may be well placed but perhaps they’re not. Maybe you’re overanalyzing.
Here are a few common misconceptions that people often have about gay men. If you notice these, it doesn’t mean that your guy is gay or even bisexual.
1. He wears tight clothes and bold patterns
He’s probably just confident about his appearance.
2. He grooms himself
Just because a guy’s aware of cosmetics and tweezers doesn’t mean he’s gay.
3. He loves girlie things
He may just be fascinated by women. Or, maybe he was raised by several women and the influence has stuck. [Read: Feminine guys – 40 Signs of a man in touch with his softer side]
4. He doesn’t like sports
There are many guys who don’t give a damn about sports. It’s not necessarily one of the signs your boyfriend is gay or bisexual.
5. He’s a neat freak
Being a perfectionist or one who likes everything in order doesn’t make him a homosexual man. He may just be more refined and neater than the average guy.
What to do when you find out the man in your life is gay or bisexual
This may come as a surprise, especially if he seemed very physically attracted to you before. However, some guys don’t discover that they’re gay until after they’ve had a relationship with one or more females, or after a sexual experience with another male.
Maybe he’s bisexual and is attracted to both men and women.
This realization probably didn’t happen for him overnight, either. It’s more likely that he figured this out at least several weeks before, but was struggling to find a way to tell you that wouldn’t break your heart. [Read: Broken heart syndrome – Can a heart actually break or is it drama?]
On the other hand, in a few cases, some guys may know they’re gay all along, but think that they can “turn themselves straight” by going out with a beautiful girl. Or, they’re very good at pretending to be into girls in order to fit into society, but eventually get tired of doing it.
Whatever the reason that you’re hearing this for the first time may be, there are a few things that you must not do after he makes his confession, no matter how upset you are, and there are some things that you should do, too.
1. Be supportive
Recognize that telling you he’s gay or bisexual has been difficult for your boyfriend, and fight any urges to fly into a rage.
You may feel like you’ve wasted tons of time in a useless relationship, but nothing’s useless if you’re able to learn something from it. [Read: 17 signs of a supportive partner who encourages you and your goals]
Although you won’t appreciate this situation now, it’s the kind of experience that will help you grow as a person.
Plus, even though you certainly wouldn’t consider this one of them, you’ve likely had a lot of good times together as a couple, along with the usual bit of bad.
Under no circumstances should you try to make your boyfriend feel guilty for any time wasted, as he’s as much a victim here as you are. After all, he either didn’t realize that he wasn’t attracted to/not only women, or felt, for some reason, that it was necessary to force himself to be.
Being gay is something that he can’t change, regardless of whether you approve. [Read: How to be more empathetic and 16 steps to make anyone feel understood]
2. Don’t blame yourself
While you mustn’t lash out and blame him for putting you in this situation, you shouldn’t blame yourself, either.
No matter how much weight you lost, how many birthday surprises you dreamed up, or how many romantic dinners you cooked for him, your boyfriend would still be gay or bisexual.
His sexual orientation is all about him, and has nothing to do with what you did or didn’t do.
If you’re straight, it wouldn’t matter how much another woman tried to woo you – you still wouldn’t be interested, right? You must accept that the same goes for him in relation to you.
Stop focusing on what you could have done differently to “save” the relationship. [Read: How to stop feeling guilty and finally start living for you]
3. Talk to friends and family
A breakup is always a difficult thing to go through, especially if it happens in this way, but the support of your friends and family will help you a great deal as you heal.
If you and your former lover happen to share a lot of the same friends, and he doesn’t want them to know that he’s gay yet, confide in friends who don’t know him.
As for mutual friends, be vague for a little while.
He can’t expect you to keep this a secret forever, though. Once you’ve given him a few weeks to adjust to his new status, feel free to provide those you’re both close to with more detail on the split. If he starts going out with other men, people he knows are going to find out about his true preferences anyway.
4. Don’t offer to set him up with men
Due to not knowing what else to say, or wanting to keep yourself in this guy’s good graces, you may be tempted to try to set him up with other men. However, setting up a soon-to-be ex, no matter what gender they’re now into, is not the same as setting up a female pal. [Read: 33 steps to stop thinking about someone you like but can’t have]
Any matchmaking you attempt to do will just end up being awkward and embarrassing for the two of you. Moreover, if you realize that you’re not ready to see him date a guy after introductions have been made, you may feel tempted to sabotage a budding relationship, which wouldn’t be fair to him.
5. Don’t try to change his mind
During the state of shock you’ll initially feel after he spills his secret, you may think that he’s just going through a temporary phase, and that you can “convince” him *in other words, beg and plead with him* to tell you it was all a joke.
Unfortunately, chances of that working out are low. If he went through the trouble of confessing this information to you, he’s likely certain that it’s true. Whatever you do, don’t agree to or offer to keep up a charade of a relationship for social reasons.
Your happiness is worth more than that, and you will never find your real soulmate if you keep on pretending that it’s him. [Read: Justifying your life choices – Should you worry about it?]
6. Don’t cut him out of your life completely
If you’re angry or sad, or just feel plain uncomfortable around your now ex-boyfriend, take some time away from him to process your feelings, but don’t cut the lines of communication forever.
Even though he’s discovered that he’d prefer not to be intimate with women, or not only women, you two must have been compatible in some ways if you were able to stay together for so long.
Therefore, you should try to maintain at least a casual connection. If he’s not responding to your occasional friendly calls or messages, and doesn’t seem to care about preserving ties, keep trying every so often – he’s likely embarrassed about what went down, and may come around. [Read: Should I block my ex? 17 signs to help you decide what’s best for you]
It’s better to know than to continue wasting your time
While your boyfriend admitting that he’s gay or bisexual may seem like the end of the world, it really isn’t. You may feel quite dumbfounded for a while, as if your whole world has gone topsy-turvy, and if you see him with a guy romantically, it’s likely going to hurt a bit. Don’t worry though, these feelings will pass.
In a few months, as with all breakups, you’ll get over the sting and will be able to look back fondly at the good times, as opposed to dwelling on the bitter end.
Eventually, you’ll be thankful that he let you go, since you can now find someone who will adore every last bit of you.
[Read: A guide on effective communication in a relationship]
If you’ve been wondering about how to tell if a guy is gay, use these signs and see if you can strike off more than a handful. If so, there’s a good chance your boyfriend is either gay or bisexual.
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9 Signs To Watch Out
Assess his comfort level, interests, and friends to learn more about him.
Image: iStock
You have been going around with a guy for some time, but something seems off. Your physical relationship is not how you expected it to be, and you start doubting whether he is gay. So, how to tell if your boyfriend is gay? You cannot be sure unless he tells you himself. But there might be some probable and apparent signs that can make you understand.
If you’ve got vibes from your boyfriend that has made you doubt his sexuality, there could be a slight possibility that he could be a closeted gay (i.e., he has not disclosed his sexual orientation or gender identity), or he’s still not aware of his sexuality.
This post entails some signs that could be helpful for you to figure it out and advises on what to do next.
Signs To Watch Out For If You Think Your Boyfriend Is Gay
It could be possible that your boyfriend has a different sexual orientation or has developed it over time. Notice these signs so you may confirm the situation.
1. He’s checks out other men
Whether single or in a relationship, checking out other women is quite common for straight guys. But if your man notices other men, it could signify that he’s interested in men. You may also find him ogling over men with fabulous physiques. Since he’s not ready to reveal his sexuality to you, he might give subtle glances, so you need to figure it out quickly.
2. His friends are gay
Image: iStock
As the quote goes, “Show me who your friends are, and I’ll tell you who you are,” people around us give a lot of impressions about our liking, personality, and character. While straight men usually have guy friends as some feel uncomfortable around gay people, if your man has lots of LGBTQ+ and gay friends, this could be a sign to watch out. So, look out with whom your boyfriend hangs out the most and how deep their relationship is. Though it doesn’t go the same always, it could be right in some instances.
3. He seems emotionally and physically detached from you
This is one of the most important and noticeable signs that could suggest your boyfriend is gay. While it could mean that your boyfriend is being considerate and wants you to be more comfortable before asking you for sex, if he’s emotionally detached from you, it could mean either he’s cheating on you or have different sexual preferences.
You could notice that he’s rarely making eye contact with your or initiating romantic conversations.
4. He is doubtful about your relationship
Image: iStock
If he’s talking about having doubts about your relationship with him, it could mean that he’s losing his interest in you and looking for excuses for breaking up. But it is also possible that he’s attracted to men if his doubts about your relationship are coupled with other signs of being gay.
Related: Top 35 Reasons Why Couples Break Up
5. He’s gotten into gay and bisexual porn
It is yet another probable sign suggesting your man is gay. While different people have different preferences and categories of porn that appeals to them or turns them, when somebody gets into a specific type of porn, it can often be a precursor or reflection of what they’re into in their sex life. You can also find gay dating apps on his phone. So, if he tells you about his interest in watching gay pornography and bisexual porn, or you catch him watching one, you can guess the reason.
6. He flirts with men around you
Image: iStock
If you find your boyfriend subconsciously getting attracted to other men and he starts flirting or glancing at sexily-bodied men on the television makes his eyes flutter, there is a good chance he’s interested in men.
7. He becomes uncomfortable around gay topics
If your boyfriend becomes homophobic around gay men or gets uncomfortable if there is a conversation about gay men and bisexual relationships, it could be because of his repressed feelings. So, if your boyfriend becomes repulsive about such topics or individuals, it could be one of the signs that he’s gay.
8. He’s comfortable being physical with men
Image: iStock
For straight men, being touchy, holding hands, and some other borderline things are ‘big no’ unless they feel extreme emotions. If you notice your man being too comfortable or touchy with his guy best friend, male coworker, or other men, he might be into men.
But this could also be possible between best buddies. So, try reading between the lines.. But this could also be possible between best buddies. So, try reading between the lines.
9. He is bisexual
There could be times when you think his feelings for you, whether romantically, physically, or emotionally, are perfect, but other times, his behavior is suspicious and seems gay. It might mean that he’s bisexual. So, he could be in love with you and attracted to you, but at the same time, he wants to or might be in a relationship with a man.
Related: When You Feel Attracted To Someone, Do They Feel It Too? 15 Signs
What Should You Do If You Suspect Your Boyfriend Is Gay?
Image: iStock
Finding out your lover is gay or having him lie about his sexual orientation could be hurtful. So, when you uncover these indicators in your partner, you may be in a state of emotional upheaval, and you could be distressed. Here are a few suggestions that may be useful in such circumstances.
- When you realize or even strongly suspect him to be gay, talk with him rather than making assumptions. But make sure to make the conversation warm rather than aggressive.
- Since society still has stereotypical thoughts about the LGBTQ+ community, if your boyfriend reveals it to you, try to be empathic, listen, and support him.
- Don’t force your relationship on him.
- Don’t discuss your boyfriend’s sexuality with others or publicly reveal him for his social, emotional, and physical well-being. It’s possible that he isn’t entirely aware of his sexuality yet, or that he is keeping it for some reason.
- Make a choice whether you want to be in this relationship or not because gay or bisexual individuals often want to continue to be in a normal relationship with the opposite sex due to societal or family pressure.
- Remember that your boyfriend being gay is not anyone’s fault.
Know that his actions are driven by himself and his unfulfilled wants. - You can also seek professional help or counseling from a relationship coach if you’re too confused or your thoughts are messed up. They will help you get a clear and fresh insight into your relationship, thus, helping you to make a decision.
Related: 101 Premarital Counseling Questions Every Couple Must Know
Like “Ross and Carol,’ from the famous American TV series ‘F.R.I.E.N.D.S.’ where Carol turned out to be a lesbian after being married, there could also be instances in real life. If you ever feel that your boyfriend’s actions appear to be gay but don’t know ‘how to tell if your boyfriend is gay,’ all of the above factors could help. But, remember that it’s not your fault, and it can happen in either a long-term relationship or a new one, as an individual’s sexual orientation can sometimes be changeable. So, rather than blaming yourself or him for their conduct, keep your calm and make a sensible decision.
Key Pointers
- Some signs may suggest your boyfriend’s sexuality, but you cannot be absolutely sure.
- Gay men check out other men as they are attracted to them.
- Talking through your doubts with him is certainly the best option before deciding on something.
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Shikha is a writer-turned-associate editor at MomJunction. Having done a certification in Relationship Coaching, her core interest lies in writing articles that guide couples through their courtship to marriage and parenthood. She also specializes in baby names. Being a postgraduate in Human Resources from Jawaharlal Nehru Technological University, she likes understanding people and their relationships. This reflects in her relationship...
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09 July 12:20
Most often, such judgments are spontaneous and based on the first fleeting impression of the interlocutor, based on stereotypical signs of "masculinity" or "femininity".
Despite this, the existence of "Heydar" became the object of research by psychologists, sexologists and anthropologists at the end of the 20th century. Scientific articles that a “built-in radar” for calculating people with a non-traditional sexual orientation really exists were published in fairly serious journals, for example, in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (the impact factor of this publication is 5.
031) or in a slightly less prestigious Archives of Sexual Behavior (impact factor is 2.589).
The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology back in 1999 published a study by a group of scientists led by social psychologist Nalini Ambadi of Stanford University. Psychologists have come to the conclusion that people can indeed determine the sexual orientation of a person with a greater probability than mere chance, and both video recordings and static images of a person can provide enough information for this.
American scientists led by William Cox from the University of Wisconsin-Madison conducted another study of the “gaydar” phenomenon and stated: in fact, such a phenomenon does not exist, and all “gay signs” - gender non-conformity, appearance, manner of speech - are nothing more than than stereotypes. Nevertheless, people (even those who claim that they are absolutely loyal to gays) are subject to these stereotypes to such an extent that they are ready to shock gays.
Articles have been published in 9 journals0017 Psychological Science and The Journal of Sex Research .
During the experiment, people were shown photographs of men - both traditional and non-traditional sexual orientation. In the first experiment, men's hairstyles were removed from the photographs - according to the authors of the work, the hairstyle can always be easily changed, and therefore it cannot be considered as part of the human phenotype. The second time the pictures of the men were shown in their entirety. Each photo was accompanied by a series of stereotyped captions that the men depicted in the pictures made themselves, and they told the truth about themselves.
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The subjects were asked to look at the man's photo and a short story about himself and draw a conclusion about his sexual orientation.
The results of the work showed that when making a decision, people were guided not by the phenotype of a person (since the presence or absence of a hairstyle in the photo did not affect the “verdict” and caused a change in the decision only in 4-7% of cases), but by signatures - that is, stereotypes, - which caused 24–28% of variations, but at the same time did not really reflect reality.
As it turned out, gay people are “calculated” on the basis of a man’s profession (hairdressers, interior designers and medical brothers became the most suspicious), his appearance (a good haircut and fashionable clothes are considered gay signs), preferences (those who do not want to be homosexual in the eyes of others, you should not confess your love for going to musicals and clothing stores, dancing, and also that he likes the work of the singer Cher).
The most masculine and certainly not gay men, according to respondents, are men who work as policemen or firefighters, are casually dressed, like to watch sports channels and play American football or basketball themselves.
If a man drives a van at the same time and supports the Republican Party (we recall that the experiment was conducted in the USA), this finally removes all suspicions of being gay from him.
In this way, the scientists proved that the “geydar” phenomenon does not imply the possession of any special intuition and is based solely on stereotypes. At the same time, even those who claim that they are loyal to men with non-traditional orientation are subject to the influence of these stereotypes.
This was proven in an experiment where people who identified themselves as progressives and said they were comfortable with gays were asked to play a game with a male opponent who was reported with one of the following statements: “He is gay”, “He likes to go shopping”, “He is not gay”, “He likes to go shopping with his girlfriend”.
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It is obvious that the second statement indirectly hints at the non-traditional orientation of a person, and the last - at the traditional one. The essence of the game was as follows: when a red light came on, the subject had to press a button, as a result of which the opponent was shocked. The opponent was behind the partition and was invisible, and the participant could choose the strength of the current at his discretion. The goal of the game was to get ahead of the opponent and press the button before him.
In fact, the opponent was fictitious and there was no one behind the partition. However, the participant of the experiment himself sometimes received electric shocks: when the delay in his reaction exceeded a certain time, he experienced a shock of the same force that he had previously addressed to his partner. As a result of the work, it turned out that
the level of aggression towards gays was significantly higher: electric shocks of maximum strength were addressed to them in 20.
3% of cases.
In the case of men of traditional orientation, this figure was 14.4%. Fictional partners who liked to go shopping alone or with a girl received the maximum “portion” of current in 18 and 18.5% of cases, respectively.
The authors of the study urge everyone to think about their attitude towards people of non-traditional sexual orientation and about what their feelings are based on. In addition, it has become clear that many of us - even if we try to appear loyal - actually treat homosexuals differently than traditionally oriented men and women.
How to ask a person if he is homosexual and not screw up - The Village Belarus
The editors of The Village Belarus, with the help of experts, answer a variety of questions asked by the townspeople. This time we found out whether it is appropriate to ask a person about his sexual orientation.
Andrey Zavalei
campaign coordinator "Case Pi_"
- There is no one “correct” scheme here, it all depends on the situation: how close you communicate with the person, how long you have known each other, how your relationship develops, whether they are trusting.
Questions relating to personal life are always a delicate topic. If this is really important to you, you feel an understatement that prevents you from being sincere with your girlfriend or boyfriend, and you decide to ask a question about sexual orientation, then before that it is important to create a space of acceptance and solidarity. For example, in advance (preferably a couple of days, not five minutes) to mention in some of the conversations how you are infuriated by the black man that Igor Shunevich and the ministry controlled by him are doing in Belarus; how unfair it is that LGBT people in Belarus have to hide; how outrageous it is that there is homophobia and you can be killed on the way out of a gay club, and your killer will get three years in prison. It is important to understand that coming out is often a difficult decision, because the fear of being rejected and unpleasant is present to one degree or another among all LGBT people in Belarus. To get a better idea of how your girlfriend or boyfriend might be feeling, you can read other people's coming out, for example on the MakeOut website.
Tony
queer activist
- It seems to me that one needs to understand well the context of the situation in which such a question is asked. Questions about sexual orientation and sexual practices are completely inappropriate in a professional and public context, since they do not affect the competence and qualifications of a person in any way. Such questions, as well as questions about pregnancy, marriage, partners and partnerships, violate privacy and constitute discrimination. These are questions about privacy, questions about personal life. It would be good to ask them, respectively, in private and personal conversations. For example, if you have a romantic interest in a person and it is important for you to understand if she is homosexual, nothing bad will happen if you ask.
I, unfortunately, cannot answer for the gay community. But if you're romantically interested and identify as a girl, for example, you can easily ask, "Are you attracted to girls?" It’s even better to ask: “Do you like me?”.
Our sexuality is flexible, we can be attracted to very different people, and I think it's good to leave a little space for other people in their questions, so that they can explore different relationship options.
Sergey
homosexual
- If you do not wrap this issue with various contexts, situations and ordinary curiosity, then someone else's orientation is never your area of interest. With whom I sleep, with whom I communicate, what places I visit and what sex the porn actors on the screen of my computer are solely my business. And it’s even hard for me to imagine a situation in which this could concern someone else. Revealing your orientation will not affect your work, will not interfere with hanging out in companies, and is unlikely to help you raise your children better. Any reason why someone needs to have this information is fundamentally unethical, so mind your own business.
Until I choose to share it myself.
But if you like a person and you are not entirely sure of his orientation, ask about his attitude towards you personally. In a romantic way (well, or whatever you want from him).
Vika Biran
Member of the MAKEOUT team
Here it is appropriate to recall the popular phrase: “And for what purpose are you interested?”. Honestly ask yourself why you need this information. If you are a heterosexual person, most likely, this is your whim, curiosity. But after all, no one addresses you with the question: “Oh, are you hetero?”. Such shifters can be used in different situations. They allow you to see how relevant your question is. In this case, with the help of this question, you violate other people's boundaries.
If the person you are contacting thinks that information about his or her sexuality is very important in the context of the conversation, he or she will certainly find a way to tell you about it, do not hesitate.
