What makes men turn on

What Really Turns Men On

Source: Dean Drobot/Shutterstock

Popular maxims attest to the pervasive belief that men are always ready and eager to bed almost any woman:

  • Men have only one thing on their minds.
  • Men lust; women want to feel desired.
  • What single word can women say to sexually arouse men? Hello.

Chances are you’ve heard one or more of these, which attests to the prevalence of assumptions about rampant male lust. But sexual urgency, the feeling that I need sex now, is age-related. Yes, lust can animate many young men—and many young women and non-binary individuals, too. But a recent study shows that after age 30, men’s desire for sex becomes more nuanced, more complex—and in contrast to the stereotype, more like women’s.

The Study

A team of largely women Canadian researchers conducted extensive semi-structured interviews with 30 men, ages 30 to 65 (average age 43), all involved in heterosexual relationships for at least 2. 5 years.

The researchers limited their sample to 30 men for efficiency. A robust literature shows that in studies based on lengthy interviews, after around two dozen, participants rarely produce significantly new responses.

The investigators selected age 30 as their subjects’ lower limit because they wanted to discuss desire with men who were no longer “young,” but in the researchers’ words, “firmly into adulthood.”

And the researchers selected 2.5 years (30 months) as the lower limit for relationship duration to exclude men still in the early, lusty, hot-and-heavy period, which rarely lasts longer than 2 years.

Study subjects were a reasonably representative sample of men in two Canadian cities—Winnipeg, Manitoba (16 men), and Saskatoon, Saskatchewan (14). They received gift cards for participating.

To make the men feel as comfortable as possible, the researchers began the interviews with questions unrelated to sex, and only after some time and considerable back and forth, did they address desire. When they did, the investigators asked the men to describe all the factors they could think of that either piqued or inhibited their libidos.

The men came up with 23 factors that turned them on or off, but most focused on six elements—three that increased desire, three that torpedoed it.

Source: Dean Drobot/Shutterstock

Top Turn-Ons

The trio of turn-ons included: feeling desired, unexpected sexual opportunities, and the intimacy of the couple’s communication.

Feeling Desired. This was the #1 factor affecting desire. Almost three-quarters of the men (73 percent) said feeling desired was critical to their libidos. Several mentioned some version of the adage, “Men lust. Women want to feel desired”—and disagreed with it. They loved their partners coming on to them, from playfully initiating erotic touch to saying, “Let’s do it.”

“It’s one thing for her to say, ‘I want you,’ quite another for her to initiate things.” (Age 32/5-years into his relationship)

“When she shows me she wants sex, it doesn’t take me long to get excited. ” (Age 51/31-year relationship)

“Feeling desired is a basic human need for both women and men. Everyone wants to feel desired. I want her to want me as much as I want her.” (Age 65/13-year relationship)

Unexpected Sexual Opportunities. Two-thirds of the men (66 percent) said they turned lusty when their spouse presented sexual prospects that were unanticipated.

Many of the men said their sex was usually scheduled in advance. This is what sex therapists almost universally recommend for long-term couples, especially those with significant desire differences. But the men said occasional spontaneity got them excited, particularly when their partner initiated it.

“When there’s an element of surprise, yeah, that’s exciting.” (Age 55/19-year relationship)

“Some spontaneity, that’s the best.” (Age 33/5-year relationship)

Emotional Connection. More than half the men (53 percent) affirmed that to become sexually aroused, they had to feel an emotional connection with their partner, a connection best made by self-revealing conversation and shared laughter.

“I’m a musician. [My work hours] have stressed our relationship. Now my band is on hiatus, which stresses me. We were talking about that, getting deep into my sense of loss. Her being so interested in something that’s caused friction in our relationship, that felt validating—and arousing.” (Age 33/5-year relationship)

The men said the most arousing couple conversations had to do with lovemaking.

“It’s healthy for a sexual relationship when the people talk about their sex. When you can talk about what you want and like, that helps.” (Age 65/13-year relationship)

Top Turn-Offs

The men’s three biggest libido killers included: illness, rejection, and strained emotional connection with their mate.

Illness. For most study participants (60 percent), the top—and for some, only—turn-off was feeling acutely ill.

“Just about the only thing that kills my libido is being sick.” (Age 42/11-year relationship)

“When I’m sick, my sex drive disappears. ” (Age 33/6-year relationship)

Rejection. Most of the men (60 percent) cited turn-downs as their other top turn-off, especially chronic sexual rejection.

“If she doesn’t want me, forget it. I don’t feel it anymore.” (Age 30/5-year relationship)

“I’m usually very upbeat, but when you’re always getting rejected, it’s easier not to think about sex.” (Age 42/11-year relationship)

“She’s just not interested anymore, which makes me feel the same,” (Age 55/19-year relationship).

Strained Emotional Connections. A majority of the men (57 percent) said they could not separate their libidos from how they felt about their relationship’s emotional closeness—or distance.

“I want to feel on the same page emotionally. If we’re disagreeing, I don’t want sex.” (Age 33/6-year relationship)

“When we’re not connecting, I’m not into it.” (Age 52/16-year relationship)

“In all our years together, I’ve said ‘no’ to her only a few times—when she’s made me feel really frustrated or angry. ” (Age 42/11-year relationship)

Who Are Men Sexually?

It’s easy to argue that men have only one thing on their minds. A huge research literature shows that compared with women, on average, men think about sex more, have stronger libidos, self-sex more, are more open to casual sex, initiate sex more often, continue to crave sex more after the initial hot-and-heavy period ends, and are more likely to judge the health of their relationships based on the frequency and quality of the sex.

On the other hand, many men don’t feel that way. They bridle at cultural expectations that they should be horny goats. And when couples consult sex therapists for toxic desire differences, in one-third to half of cases, it’s the man who wants sex less.

In this study, the men’s attitudes about desire for partner sex paralleled the stereotype for women. They valued feeling desired and viewed lovemaking as an extension of emotional communication and intimacy.

So who are men sexually? Whoever they are as individuals. Their sexuality is as unique as their DNA.

The myth is that men are wolves, women sheep. Actually, as men become mature adults, their feelings about sexual desire increasingly match women’s.

The myth is that sexually, men and women inhabit different planets—men Mars, women Venus. Actually, all genders hail from the same planet, the one in between those two. Earth.

PsychologyToday,com no longer accepts comments because so many are spam or personal attacks. But if you have a thoughtful comment about this post, please visit the Facebook page for my Q&A site, Great Sex Guidance.

Facebook image: Dean Drobot/Shutterstock

What Turns Men On? Surprising Things He Likes

Women often wonder what turns men on, because they want to be seen as attractive and appealing. A woman who is looking to connect with a man may consider things that turn guys on in bed, as well as more specific factors, like words that turn guys on. This is because many women just want one man to desire them and shower them with love and affection. If this sounds like you, read on for a long list of turn ons for guys, so you can make him crazy for you. 

If you’re trying to attract the attention of a guy, or just trying to keep the spark alive in a long term relationship, you probably want to know what turns guys on the most. Whether you’re going after the guy of your dreams or simply trying to drive your boyfriend or husband wild, the following list can provide some insight into the biggest turn on for guys.

Consider the following 30 turn ons for men:

  1. Initiate sex. One of the biggest sexual turn ons for a man is having a woman in his life who initiates sex. Perhaps you always wait for him to make the first move, thinking that since men are perceived as being sexually ravenous, he will always go after what he wants. While men may be more likely to initiate sex, this doesn’t mean they don’t want a woman to make the first move. In fact, men want to feel sexually desired, so it will make him want you even more if you initiate a sexual encounter from time-to-time.
Related Reading: 20 Ways on How to Initiate Sex With Your Husband 
  1. Change up your look. Novelty is one of the key pieces of what turns men on, so if you have always had the same hairstyle, or always dress the same way, treat yourself to a trip to the salon or a shopping spree. Trying a new hair color or wearing a style of clothing that is out of the ordinary for you will attract his attention and keep him excited.
  1. Cuddling. You may be surprised to know that men enjoy connecting in the form of cuddling. In fact, snuggling up together can create feelings of intimacy and strengthen your bond. This is especially true if your partner’s love language is physical touch. Research actually suggests that a brain chemical called oxytocin makes our partner’s touch very rewarding, so go ahead and snuggle up on the couch or reach for his hand when you’re walking together.

Also Try: What Does Your Cuddle Style Say About You Quiz

  1. Show a little skin. While it may seem obvious, sometimes we need a reminder that men are visual creatures. One of the key ways to turn on a guy is to show a little skin. When the two of you meet for dinner, wear a lower cut v-neck top, or consider showing off your legs in a dress. He will appreciate the show. 
  1. Prioritize him. When we think of traditional gender norms, we probably imagine a man who treats his wife or girlfriend to dinner or goes out of his way to make her happy. We might also picture a family man, who puts his wife and children first and sacrifices his own desires for the sake of the family. While it is certainly nice to be spoiled and cared for by your man, sometimes he wants to be spoiled too. Be intentional about prioritizing his needs from time to time, such as by asking him what he’d like to do during the weekend, or what project around the house he’d like to attack first. 
Related Reading: Prioritize your Relationship, Partner, and Sexual Connection
  1. Go on dates. Another one of the ways to turn on a guy is to plan dates. Men like excitement in a relationship. Instead of always cooking at home or falling into a routine that only involves activities with the kids, plan a night out together. He will be turned on if you continue to date him, long after you’ve established a committed relationship. 
  1. Share your fantasies. Men want to hear about your sexual fantasies, and sharing them is one of the things that turn guys on over text. When you’re both on your lunch break at work, shoot him a text sharing something that you’ve always wanted to try sexually. This will turn him on immediately, leading him to crave you in bed, and he will probably spend the rest of the day thinking about you. 
  1. Lock eyes with him. Eye contact is also on the list of ways to turn a man on. When you look at him eye-to-eye, he can tell that you desire him, and this turns him on even more. The next time you’re in the mood, consider looking him in the eye and holding his gaze. He’ll get the picture. 
Related Reading: The Power of Eye Contact During Sex
  1. Be willing to give and receive oral sex. If you’ve spent any time in a relationship with a man, you probably know that he enjoys it when you go down on him. You may also be surprised to learn that he enjoys going down on you just as much. This means that if you want to know sexual turn ons, oral sex will need to be part of the equation. In addition to surprising him with a blow job while he’s watching TV, invite him to practice oral sex on you. A recent study found that the majority of men find receiving oral sex to be “very pleasurable,” and men were significantly more likely than women were to say that they find giving oral sex to be “very pleasurable.” 
  2. Take a trip down memory lane together. You may not realize it, but men can be quite sentimental. This means that on the list of things that turn on men is looking at old photos together. Grab your wedding photo album or browse through your vacation album on your phone, and you will find that your partner’s attraction for you grows as he thinks of fun times you’ve spent together in the past. 
  3. Give him a back rub. Men need stress relief, and being a source of calmness in his life will turn him on. Offer him a back rub or a foot massage after a long day at work. This doesn’t necessarily always have to lead to sex, but it can get him in the mood. If sex isn’t on the table at that particular time, he will appreciate you putting forth the effort to make him feel good.
Related Reading: Understand How Body to Body Massage Can Save Your Marriage
  1. Build up the anticipation. If you only have a few minutes before heading out the door to work or taking the kids to practice, build up some anticipation for later in the day with a quick makeout session. This is one of the surefire ways to turn a man on. A quick taste of what’s to come later will have him begging for more.
  2. Send a message to let him know that you’re thinking of him. If you have to be apart, you can always send him a text message that lets him know you enjoyed spending time with him last night, or that you look forward to future time together. You may even get specific, by sending a message like, “Remember when you did X, Y, or Z in bed last night? I really enjoyed that.” This will keep you on his mind, even when you can’t see each other.
  3. Do something competitive together. Men enjoy a good challenge, and he will surely be turned on if you invite him to compete. Whether it’s a board game or some sort of fitness challenge, competition is a good way to connect with him. Your competitive nature will make you appear more attractive to him, and the thrill of the competition can arouse him.  
  4. Be confident in yourself. Men don’t expect perfection, but they do expect you to be confident in yourself. Instead of making demeaning comments about your body, show some self-confidence. Embrace your imperfections, and don’t be ashamed to show off your body during sex with him. Self-confidence is perhaps the biggest sexual turn on for men, because if you believe you’re sexy, he’ll find you to be sexy, too. 
  5. Embrace dirty talk. You don’t have to be an expert at dirty talk, but words that turn guys on typically involve some sort of sexual discussion. Start by telling him what you like in bed, and give him specific directions for what to do during sex. You don’t have to be totally raunchy or trashy with dirty talk; simply expressing your pleasure to him and telling him how much you are enjoying sex with him will do the trick. 
  6. Be open to new experiences. We’ve already mentioned that men like novelty, and this includes in the bedroom. If he wants to explore something new with you sexually, be open to the idea, even if it doesn’t initially excite you. Of course, this doesn’t mean giving into something that you’re entirely opposed to, but at least be open to trying something different with him. He’ll appreciate the effort, because sexual excitement is undeniably what turns men on.
  7. Be the lady in red. If you want to catch his attention, wearing a red dress might just do the trick. We tend to associate red with romance and attraction, and it seems to be for a good reason. A recent review of multiple studies found that men do tend to be more attracted to women in red. The effects are small, but you might be able to subtly turn him on by dressing in red, especially if you feel confident in what you’re wearing.
  8. Get excited about sex. Men can tell if you’re just going through the motions with sex, and it won’t make them feel very good about themselves. That being said, one of the best things to do to turn him on is to get excited about sex. If you act like it’s a chore, it will be a huge turn off for him. Consider doing something that gets you in the mood for sex, such as taking a warm bath, getting some exercise, or rubbing lotion on your body, so you’ll be enthusiastic about it.

Related Reading: How Important is Sex for Women
  1. Don’t be silent during sex. Another sexual turn on for men is making a little bit of noise. You don’t have to scream at the top of your lungs, but moaning or uttering a phrase like, “Yes, please” will make him desire you even more. Go with the flow and let the words come naturally, but don’t lay silently as he does all the work. 
  2. Have some deep conversations. If you want to know what turns men on, it’s important to understand that most men appreciate a woman who can have more than just a surface-level conversation with them. This means that you’ll be doing more than just talking about your day or sharing the latest town gossip. Engage him in a conversation about your deepest hopes and desires, or talk about your intellectual interests, and he’ll want to keep coming back for more.
  3. Dress in a way that makes you feel confident. You know that little black dress that makes you feel like a supermodel? Or that lingerie set that makes you want to strut your stuff? Don’t be afraid to show them off. When you dress in a way that makes you feel confident, it shows, and your man will be more attracted to you in turn.
Related Reading: 30 Signs of Attraction: How Do I Know if Someone Is Attracted to Me
  1. Connect on an intimate level before you say goodbye, and when you reunite. Life is busy, but pausing for thirty seconds for a long hug or a deep kiss before he heads out the door and when he returns again is an easy way to turn on a guy. That lingering hug or kiss will probably be on his mind for most of the day. 
  2.  Take control from time-to-time. Just as men like when you initiate sex, they will also be turned on if you take control once in a while. You may be used to him calling the shots in the bedroom, but it will be a nice change of pace, and show just how confident you are, if you take the dominant role. 
  3. But let him take control sometimes. While he will be turned on by you taking control from time-to-time, he will also enjoy taking the lead on sex. Text him and tell him you’d like to let him have his way with you tonight, and he won’t be able to stop thinking of you, because assuming the alpha role during sex can be what turns some men on the most. 
  4. Put in some effort. You don’t have to look like a glamour model all the time, but a guy will appreciate it if you make the effort to get dressed up for him on your date nights or for special occasions. Spend a little extra time doing your hair or makeup; it doesn’t matter exactly how you look. What matters most to him is that you took the time to look your best for him.

Also Try: Does He Love Me?

  1. Use sex toys. Sex toys are among the top sexual turn ons for guys, as they add spice to your sex life. If you want to know what turns guys on the most, you may benefit from taking your man to a sex shop and exploring sex toys together. He will be turned on by your adventurous nature and willingness to try something new.  
  2. Shower together. Men are sure to enjoy shower sex, so if you’re wanting to try something new or even initiate sex for the first time in a while, surprise him in the shower. He will appreciate the spontaneity, and it will be hard for him to turn you down when you’re naked together
  3. Let him know when you’re turned on. Men want you to desire them, so they’ll be more turned on if they know you’re turned on. Let him know when you’re in the mood, even if it’s a time when you’re apart. Send a quick text to let him know you’re craving him.
  4. Compliment him. Men like to know they look nice, too. Tell him when he looks particularly sexy in his jeans, or when you like how he’s dressed himself for work. Not only will this turn him on; he’ll also be more likely to pay you some compliments in return. Everyone wins! 
Related Reading: 30 Compliments for Men That They Love to Hear More Often


Learning what turns men on can help you to spice up your relationship and keep the spark alive. If you’re in the dating scene or the early stages of a relationship, knowing things to do to turn him on will keep you on his mind, so he can’t help but fall in love with you. Apply these tips to turn a guy on, and you’re likely to find that he can’t resist you, and he’ll probably brag to his friends about how lucky he is.



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Jenni Jacobsen is a licensed social worker with a master's degree in social work from The Ohio State University, and she is in the process of completing her dissertation for a Doctorate of Philosophy in Psychology. She has worked in the social work field for 8 years and is currently a professor at Mount Vernon Nazarene University. She writes website content about mental health, addiction, and fitness. Licensed as both a social worker through Ohio Board of Counselors, Social Workers, and Marriage/Family Therapists and school social worker through Ohio Department of Education as well as a personal trainer through American Council on Exercise.

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The expectation of pleasure is not inferior in terms of the strength of pleasant emotions to the process itself. If you cook a simple dinner, arrange it on beautiful plates, set the table, light candles and turn on romantic music, even buckwheat will seem tastier. The thought that there will be a meeting in the evening excites in advance and keeps the whole day in a state of excitement. Spontaneity is good, but if you prepare, even in small things, warm goosebumps will lead to the pinnacle of pleasure.

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And the state of dissatisfaction entails irritation and anger, general dissatisfaction with life. No matter how hard a woman tries to arouse a man in bed, in such a mood it can be difficult to do. Two situations are possible here. In one case, a man wants something, but cannot get it. In the other, he has what he does not want. These situations lead to frustration and stress, which explains the loss of arousal.

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  • Upon returning home, a man can be found in a light robe and with sexual phrases. What words excite a man in bed? Obviously not "take out the trash can, honey." If you say that you have been waiting for him for a long time and took off your panties just in case, there will be a bombshell effect. Or retell an erotic dream...
  • Remember that looking and touching is about getting guys excited.
  • Kissing from lips, neck, breasts, nipples, belly and down to intimate erogenous zones is considered very erotic. A man will be able to quickly excite in bed, it is worth adding an ice cube, cooling his tongue and starting to drive it over his body, as if with weightless touches.
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  • The new and the forbidden attracts a partner like a magnet. If you don’t know how else to turn a man on in bed, try sex toys, think of new positions, take the initiative in your own hands and let him just enjoy the process.

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Knowing the secrets of sexual influence on her chosen one, a woman can achieve the desired effect. What exactly influences his libido? The sight of naturally disheveled hair, a short burst of anger that escalated into a sex reconciliation, or a plaid shirt over a naked body? One way or another, every detail that is significant for him is associated with growing, like an avalanche, excitement that helps to get a man in bed. In a moment of revelation, you can ask him how we did it, what exactly makes him ignite.

“I love it when she leans back in the cowgirl position and touches my scrotum. Incredible feeling! Vadim, 30 years old.

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