Why do i want to be abused

Why Do I Like Being Abused?

Question:

I’m a 27 year old woman and I have a fiancee who is good to me most of the time but has been emotionally abusive in the past. He is a very jealous type. We have fights which are very difficult. Also, even when we’re “happy,” I have thoughts of cheating on him. For example, I recently pursued a sexual relationship with another man.
Any time my fiancee and I are “happy” I feel bored, like, it’s not enough. I have this need to feel used for sex or have something illicit done in order for me to feel excitement. This other man I almost had sex with doesn’t treat me very well but is eager to have sex and, that excites me in a depraved way. I find that exciting whereas a stable relationship by itself makes me feel bored and miserable.

I feel so bored with a stable relationship that I think, “Is this all that life is?” It’s like I have to do something risky and possibly self harming to alleviate my unhappiness. I am also into rough sex to the point of feeling violated.
Please tell me what is wrong with me? I want to be a good person but I feel like there’s a monster inside me especially since I am a Christian woman who is engaged to be married soon. Am I some kind of a pervert?
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Answer:

Clearly, you are alarmed and worried about the behaviors you describe. However, you are condemning yourself because you feel guilty about these behaviors. Guilt is never helpful. So, what are the factors that could be motivating you to think and behave in the ways you describe?

One possibility is that you feel bored in your relationship with your fiancee. Women are just as sexual as men. The problem is that, in the past, society had a dim view of female sex. Advances in psychology and politics changed how sex was viewed for both men and women so that it was no longer something fraught with sin. The double standard was ended where only men could enjoy sex. Now it is well established that the female drive is just as powerful as that of the male’s.

Therefore, if your fiancee is not a good lover, from your point of view, then, you will feel bored and unexcited. As a result, you will feel bored and want to “spice it up” with other men. Even arguing can feel like spicing it up. In other words, you may feel as though sex with this man is not exciting.

The fact is that you have every right to feel sexually gratified by your lover. Therefore, you need to ask yourself whether or not this man pleases you. If the answer is no, then, he is the wrong man for you. Recent studies show that, when a woman has doubts about the man before marriage, there is a good chance that it will end in divorce.

If none of this is true in your case then there is another possibility. When people have been sexually or physically abused during childhood, the frequent aftermath is troubled relationships from a sexual and interpersonal point of view. Many people who seek sexual adventures were abused as children. They are repeating what happened to them when they were kids. Partly, this is a form of self punishment just like what happened at the hands of punitive parents. Partly, sexual adventures are a way to avoid sexual and emotional intimacy, the kind of intimacy that is associated with successful marriages.

You are not a “pervert” because there is no limit to the varieties and types of sexual experiences people seek. One persons happy sexual way of relating may seem like a perversion to another. Worst, the word perversion is self derogatory. Lots of normal and healthy people like to role play in their sexual intimacy. That role play can even include one being the dominant one and the other be the submissive one. Those roles are often reversed. As long as two people agree with each other about sex, there is not problem at all.

You really need to ask youself some questions: 1) Is this the right man for you, both physically and emotionally? or 2) Were you abused as a child, either phsyically or sexually and are you avoiding real intimacy?

Ultimately, if you remain confused or if you did suffer abuse, then, you can consult and seek the advice of a mental health expert such as a psychologist or clinical social worker.

Remember, having strong sexual feelings does not make you a bad person. Settling for a husband who cannot satisfy your needs will make you and unhappy person.

- Allan Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D.

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13 Reasons Why People Abuse

Medically reviewed by Scientific Advisory Board — By Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC on March 22, 2017

Hands down, the number one question I get asked in therapy is Why would they do this? Mostly, this stems from a person who has been abused and is trying desperately to understand why their attacker is abusive. There are seven forms of abuse: verbal, mental, emotional, physical, sexual, financial, and spiritual. After a person realizes the full scope of their abuse, it is difficult to comprehend why someone would do it.

Please note that this article is not intended to explain, justify, or rationalize abuse. Nor is it designed to gain empathy or sympathy for the abuser. Abuse is wrong all the time in all circumstances. Rather the intent is to shed light on a question that plagues the abused, to gain understanding that all people do not have the same perspective of right and wrong, and to move the healing process further for those who have been damaged.

Given that, here are some of the reasons a person is abusive:

They have a disorder. A small number of the population is anti-social personality disorder (sociopath or psychopath) and sadistic. These disorders gain pleasure from seeing others in pain and even more pleasure when they are the ones inflicting the agony. For them, abuse is a means to an end. They abuse others to gain personal pleasure.
They were abused. Some abusers act out their dysfunctional behavior on others because it was done to them. In a subconscious effort to resolve their own abuse, they do the same to another person. This type of abusive behavior is identical, meaning it matches almost exactly to their childhood experience.
They were abused, part two. Just like in the previous explanation, they abuse because it was done to them. However, in this case the victim is the opposite. For instance, a boy who is sexually abused by a man might grow up to sexually abuse girls as evidence that they are not homosexual. The reverse can be true as well.
They watched something. With the advances in technology comes additional exposure at a young age to glorified abuse. Some movies, songs, TV shows, and videos minimize abuse by making fun of it or making it seem normal. A typical example is verbally attacking on another person by name calling or belittling.
They have anger issues. Uncontrolled and unmanaged rage frequently produces abusive behavior. The source of this anger varies but it is usually tied to a traumatic event. Unresolved trauma sparks anger when triggered by a person, circumstance or place. Because this anger comes out of nowhere, it that much harder to control and manifests abusively.
They grew up with an addict. An addict blames others for the reason they engage in their destructive behavior. While the victims are often forced to remain silent and acceptant of their behavior. The end result is a lot of pent up anger and abusive behavior. As an adult, the victim subconsciously seeks out others to blame for their actions.
They have control issues. Some people like to be in charge. In an effort to gain or remain in control of others, they utilize inefficient means of dominance such as bullying or intimidation. While forced control can be quickly executed, it does not have lasting qualities. True leadership is void of abusive techniques.
They dont understand boundaries. Abusive people tend to lack the understanding of where they end and another person begins. They see their spouse/child/friend as an extension of themselves and therefore that person is not entitled to have any boundaries. The lack of distance means a person is subject to whatever the abuser decides.
They are afraid. People who do and say things out of fear tend to use their emotions as justification for why another person needs to do what is demanded. It is as if the fear is so important or powerful that nothing else matters except what is needed to subdue it.
They lack empathy. It is far easier to abuse others when there is no empathy for how the victim might feel. Some types of head trauma, personality disorders, and environmental traumas can cause a person to lack the ability to express empathy.
They have a personality disorder. Just because a person has a personality disorder does not mean that they will be abusive. However, the lack of an accurate perception of reality greatly contributes to abusive behavior. If a person is unable to see their behavior as abusive, then they will keep doing it.
They are exhausted. When a person reaches the end of rope, it is not uncommon for them to lash out at whoever is conveniently close. Think of it as a mental breakdown where all the things stuffed inside come pouring out usually in a destructive rather than constructive manner.
They are defensive. Defense mechanisms such as denial, projection, regression, and suppression are utilized when a person is backed into a corner. Instead of taking space, they come out swinging and retaliate in an abusive manner.

An abusive person may have some or all of these qualities depending on the circumstances. Remember, this is not about justifying their behavior; rather it is about helping victims to understand why a person might be abusive.

How to competently respond to insults in order to stop the conflict in the bud?

Contents of the article

In everyday life, we often come across negative statements addressed to us. Most people are confused by insults, they do not know how to properly respond to unpleasant words and at the same time save their face. Let's look at effective strategies to help fight back an abuser.

1. To insult in return

The first reaction to unpleasant words is to insult in return. This option is possible, but if the answer is appropriate, that is, it will be witty and defuse the whole situation. If you don’t know how to choose the right words right away, and it occurs to you to insult your interlocutor in response, then this is not the best way out. So you will only show that the words really hurt you, and the quarrel will not stop.

2. Make a joke about the situation

A witty answer in the first option will unsettle the person. A joking answer, sarcasm will help defuse the situation, make fun of the opponent and turn the audience over to your side. Ridiculously answering, you seem to take the position of the weak. In this way, you will mislead the interlocutor. For example, if a colleague says that you gave a terrible presentation. Then thank him in return and say that you will definitely think about it tomorrow.

3. Accept criticism

Sometimes people close to you or your boss criticize you for your work and don't even think of insulting you. Such words are worth accepting and thinking about what you did wrong. Accepting criticism only makes us better and stronger. If the words were too offensive, think about what caused such a reaction in a person. Perhaps you provoked it with your actions.

4. Reveal the hidden goal and answer it

Any person, insulting another, pursues a certain intention. Reveal the person's intention in your answer. For example, to rude words or a mate, answer “Apparently, I annoyed you with something, since you treat me like that.” With the help of a polite response, you can find out the real reason for the negative behavior of the opponent.

5. Remain calm

If a stranger or colleague insults you for no reason, then most likely they are trying to hide their insecurity, boring and monotonous life with a negative reaction. In such a situation, you should not take words personally, but it is better to remain calm. Continue to apply the past strategy by asking the person the real reason for the behavior.

6. Ignore insults

Sometimes ignoring negativity works better than a cool and smart response. So you show that you are not interested in the offender, and even more so his senseless insults. If nasty things have been written to you on social networks, then it’s even easier here, you can simply not respond to messages or delete an unpleasant comment.

It is important to remember that no one has the right to belittle your dignity and reputation. Protect yourself from negative people, keep calm. It was part of effective conflict management tactics. You can find even more useful information in the Conflict Management online course. If you want to learn how to beautifully and appropriately respond to negativity, then this course is for you.

7 Ways to Correctly Respond to an Insult

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You can (and should) respond to hurtful words from friends, strangers, and bosses in a variety of ways. Lifehacker has compiled several strategies that will allow you not to lose face and stop a quarrel in the bud.

1. Offend

This is one of the first desires that arise after an insult. But a reciprocal attack is appropriate only if it is:

witty;
takes place in the circle of relatives or friends;
defuses the situation rather than exacerbates the conflict.

In all other cases, even if you consider yourself a wit worse than Oscar Wilde, answering an insult with an insult is not the best way out. So you sink to the level of a boorish opponent and make it clear that his words hurt you, that is, there may be some truth in them.

2. Make a joke

The difference between a witty insult and a joking response is that in the latter case you are making fun of the situation itself. The advantages of this strategy are obvious: the insult loses its toxicity, the tension subsides, and the audience (if any) takes your side.

In this case, you can also take a pseudo-self-deprecating position. This will confuse your opponent and mask the sarcasm.

Example 1: A colleague says that you have prepared an ugly presentation.

Answer: “Perhaps you are right. Next time, I won't ask my five-year-old son for help."

Example 2: A stranger calls you names.

Answer: “Thank you, this is very valuable information. You opened my eyes to my shortcomings. Something to think about over lunch."

3. Accept

In some cases, it is really worth analyzing words that seem offensive to you. Especially if they come from people close and respected by you. In this case, take their remarks not as an insult, but as criticism that can make you better.

It would be useful to think about people's motives, to find out what exactly made them use harsh language. Perhaps this is a violent reaction to your far from angelic behavior.

4. Respond to intent, not words

Any insult always has an ulterior motive. Make the secret clear: designate it.

For example, in response to harsh words, say: “Wow! Something really serious happened between us, since you decided to hurt me.

So, on the one hand, you can unsettle your opponent, and on the other hand, find out the reason for his negative attitude.

5. Keep calm

If the insult comes not from a loved one, but from a colleague, acquaintance, or even a stranger, never show that the words hurt you. Most likely, behind them lies insecurity, dissatisfaction with their own lives and a desire to simply recoup you. Don't let the trick work, react calmly and with a smile.

If necessary, continue to bend your line: ask what exactly caused such a reaction in a person, not paying attention to what he said.

6. Ignore

Often the best answer is no answer. If we are talking about Internet trolls, you can simply not respond to their comments or send boors to the black list. Well, "in offline mode" you can always skip the insult past your ears or leave. You have every right to do so.

An example from ancient Roman history… One day in the public baths, someone hit the politician Cato. When the offender came to apologize, Cato replied: "I don't remember the blow."

This phrase can be interpreted as follows: "You are so insignificant that not only do I not care about your apology, but I did not even notice the insult itself."

7. Use the law

You can hold the abuser accountable, or at least threaten to do so. Punishment for insult is prescribed in the Code of Administrative Offenses, but slander is already in the scope of criminal law.

Learn more