I just want to be liked

Wanting to Be Liked vs. Needing to be Liked I Psych Central

Wanting to be liked could help you connect with the people in your life, but the need to be liked could lead to stress and anxiety.

The social side of human nature evolved from the need for cooperation to survive. Being liked meant being fed and protected.

Although it’s easier to manage independently in the modern world, people still benefit from social connections. A healthy social network could protect both your physical and mental health.

So it’s natural to want to be liked. If you enjoy people’s approval and feel a little bothered when people don’t like you, you’re not alone.

But a fixation on getting people’s approval at the expense of making your own choices could interfere with how you live your life.

Wanting to be liked is a human trait shared by most people. On the other hand, if you need to be liked, there are some telltale signs.

This could include:

continuous efforts to please people
willingness to do almost anything, including things you know are wrong or dangerous
heightened anxiety when facing disapproval
reluctance to stand out from the group or go against the grain
fixation on a person who doesn’t seem to like you

Most people prefer approval over criticism. They want others to like them, and they feel bad when the feedback they get isn’t good.

But they can usually shake off disapproval and move on, and focus on the people who recognize their strengths.

If you feel persistent anxiety when someone doesn’t seem to like you, there are several possible reasons.

External locus of control

Your locus of control is what you perceive as the main causes of events in your life. There are two types:

Internal locus of control. You believe that you control the direction of your life and have an influence over the events that happen.
External locus of control. You feel that external influences determine the course of your life.

If you have an internal locus of control, you might see your job prospects as being connected to the amount of time and effort you put into education and training. Someone with an external locus of control might view factors such as the job market and economy as having more influence over career outcomes.

If you have the need to be liked, you might have an external locus of control. You might connect your self-worth with the number of people who like you, rather than how you feel about yourself.

Sociotropy is a state of being dependent on other people and a preoccupation with people-pleasing. It’s the opposite of autonomy, which is a state of independence and individuality.

Older research found a connection between sociotropy and external locus of control.

In other words, if you have an external locus of control, you might be more likely to be a people-pleaser who needs to be liked.

Trauma

Fawning as a trauma response could cause a person to be preoccupied with the needs and wants of others. Being likable means that you might be less likely to engage in conflict or receive criticism.

Needing to be liked could be a way of seeking safety.

Social anxiety disorder (SAD)

If you have social anxiety disorder, social situations could cause you a great deal of stress. Fear of being judged negatively is a common characteristic of this type of anxiety.

A need to be liked becomes a fear of being rejected that’s severe enough to interfere with work, school, or any other type of social setting.

Anaclitic depression

Anaclitic means dependence on another person for emotional support.

Babies can experience anaclitic depression when separated long term from their primary caregiver. In adults, anaclitic depression could involve a preoccupation with the approval of others, as noted in a 2010 study.

Working to meet the high standards of other people could also play a role, according to the study.

Having the social and emotional support that you need from family members and friends might make you less likely to be concerned with everyone liking you.

It could even be liberating not to have the stress of living up to everyone’s expectations.

Not being liked has an upside. When you’re concerned with maintaining likeability, you might make choices based on the approval of others.

But when you’re not concerned about what others think, your choices might be ones that are better for you and better aligned with your values and goals.

If your need for approval from every person in your life is causing you stress, consider learning how to live without it.

Try asking yourself these questions.

Should everyone think the same way?

The attributes that make you likable to some people are the same qualities that could trigger dislike from others.

Social media and its polarizing discussion content demonstrate this concept well.

If the world is full of people with opposing views and differing opinions, is it logical to expect everyone to like you?

Does someone’s disapproval stop me from living my life?

Whether it’s a haircut, a hobby, or the possibility of a new career, consider whether you sacrifice the things you want in favor of someone else’s choice for you.

Can I change someone’s previous experiences?

There could be external factors over which you have no control that could influence whether a person likes you. Maybe you remind them of someone they dislike or a bad experience they had.

Should I be the most important part of everyone else’s life?

While you worry about who likes you, the people you think about are probably concerned about who likes them.

It’s human nature for each person to see the world from their own perspective. So someone else’s opinion of you might not be their primary concern.

Should it be yours?

Can I succeed if people don’t like me?

Think about the people who inspire disapproval but still thrive. They don’t need everyone to like them, so why should you?

If I always agree with everyone around me, am I being myself?

Having an opinion that differs from that of a friend or family member doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re wrong. It simply means that you’re an individual with your own thoughts.

If the fear of being disliked causes you to hide your opinions, you might not be living authentically.

Am I spending too much time on social media?

Your time spent giving and receiving likes, shares, and comments could be setting you up for self-esteem that’s dependent on approval from others.

A 2016 study links social media use to a reliance on external validation, which could lead to self-doubt and the need to feel liked by others.

What would happen if I didn’t try to please everyone?

You could start small — for example, try to give your honest feedback about a movie you saw with a friend. Or say that you’re busy if the idea of a weekend gathering isn’t appealing.

You might find that the people in your life still value you.

Should I get counseling?

If you’re experiencing anxiety or distress from continuously trying to live up to the expectations of others, counseling could provide you with helpful coping strategies.

As humans, we’re hardwired to want acceptance. While most people can accept that not everyone will like them, others can’t and have a need to be liked by everyone.

If you have that need, there might be an underlying reason driving it such as past trauma or anxiety.

You could create stress in your life when you continuously try to please everyone.

If your need to please everyone comes at a detriment to your day-to-day life, consider speaking with a mental health professional.

If you don’t know where to start, try our find help page. You could also ask a healthcare professional for a referral.

Wanting to Be Liked vs. Needing to be Liked I Psych Central

Wanting to be liked could help you connect with the people in your life, but the need to be liked could lead to stress and anxiety.

The social side of human nature evolved from the need for cooperation to survive. Being liked meant being fed and protected.

Although it’s easier to manage independently in the modern world, people still benefit from social connections. A healthy social network could protect both your physical and mental health.

So it’s natural to want to be liked. If you enjoy people’s approval and feel a little bothered when people don’t like you, you’re not alone.

But a fixation on getting people’s approval at the expense of making your own choices could interfere with how you live your life.

Wanting to be liked is a human trait shared by most people. On the other hand, if you need to be liked, there are some telltale signs.

This could include:

continuous efforts to please people
willingness to do almost anything, including things you know are wrong or dangerous
heightened anxiety when facing disapproval
reluctance to stand out from the group or go against the grain
fixation on a person who doesn’t seem to like you

Most people prefer approval over criticism. They want others to like them, and they feel bad when the feedback they get isn’t good.

But they can usually shake off disapproval and move on, and focus on the people who recognize their strengths.

If you feel persistent anxiety when someone doesn’t seem to like you, there are several possible reasons.

External locus of control

Your locus of control is what you perceive as the main causes of events in your life. There are two types:

Internal locus of control. You believe that you control the direction of your life and have an influence over the events that happen.
External locus of control. You feel that external influences determine the course of your life.

If you have the need to be liked, you might have an external locus of control. You might connect your self-worth with the number of people who like you, rather than how you feel about yourself.

Sociotropy is a state of being dependent on other people and a preoccupation with people-pleasing. It’s the opposite of autonomy, which is a state of independence and individuality.

Older research found a connection between sociotropy and external locus of control.

In other words, if you have an external locus of control, you might be more likely to be a people-pleaser who needs to be liked.

Trauma

Fawning as a trauma response could cause a person to be preoccupied with the needs and wants of others. Being likable means that you might be less likely to engage in conflict or receive criticism.

Needing to be liked could be a way of seeking safety.

Social anxiety disorder (SAD)

If you have social anxiety disorder, social situations could cause you a great deal of stress. Fear of being judged negatively is a common characteristic of this type of anxiety.

A need to be liked becomes a fear of being rejected that’s severe enough to interfere with work, school, or any other type of social setting.

Anaclitic depression

Anaclitic means dependence on another person for emotional support.

Working to meet the high standards of other people could also play a role, according to the study.

Having the social and emotional support that you need from family members and friends might make you less likely to be concerned with everyone liking you.

It could even be liberating not to have the stress of living up to everyone’s expectations.

Not being liked has an upside. When you’re concerned with maintaining likeability, you might make choices based on the approval of others.

But when you’re not concerned about what others think, your choices might be ones that are better for you and better aligned with your values and goals.

If your need for approval from every person in your life is causing you stress, consider learning how to live without it.

Try asking yourself these questions.

Should everyone think the same way?

The attributes that make you likable to some people are the same qualities that could trigger dislike from others.

Social media and its polarizing discussion content demonstrate this concept well.

If the world is full of people with opposing views and differing opinions, is it logical to expect everyone to like you?

Does someone’s disapproval stop me from living my life?

Whether it’s a haircut, a hobby, or the possibility of a new career, consider whether you sacrifice the things you want in favor of someone else’s choice for you.

Can I change someone’s previous experiences?

There could be external factors over which you have no control that could influence whether a person likes you. Maybe you remind them of someone they dislike or a bad experience they had.

Should I be the most important part of everyone else’s life?

While you worry about who likes you, the people you think about are probably concerned about who likes them.

It’s human nature for each person to see the world from their own perspective. So someone else’s opinion of you might not be their primary concern.

Should it be yours?

Can I succeed if people don’t like me?

Think about the people who inspire disapproval but still thrive. They don’t need everyone to like them, so why should you?

If I always agree with everyone around me, am I being myself?

Having an opinion that differs from that of a friend or family member doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re wrong. It simply means that you’re an individual with your own thoughts.

If the fear of being disliked causes you to hide your opinions, you might not be living authentically.

Am I spending too much time on social media?

Your time spent giving and receiving likes, shares, and comments could be setting you up for self-esteem that’s dependent on approval from others.

A 2016 study links social media use to a reliance on external validation, which could lead to self-doubt and the need to feel liked by others.

What would happen if I didn’t try to please everyone?

You could start small — for example, try to give your honest feedback about a movie you saw with a friend. Or say that you’re busy if the idea of a weekend gathering isn’t appealing.

You might find that the people in your life still value you.

Should I get counseling?

If you’re experiencing anxiety or distress from continuously trying to live up to the expectations of others, counseling could provide you with helpful coping strategies.

As humans, we’re hardwired to want acceptance. While most people can accept that not everyone will like them, others can’t and have a need to be liked by everyone.

If you have that need, there might be an underlying reason driving it such as past trauma or anxiety.

You could create stress in your life when you continuously try to please everyone.

If your need to please everyone comes at a detriment to your day-to-day life, consider speaking with a mental health professional.

If you don’t know where to start, try our find help page. You could also ask a healthcare professional for a referral.

An unhealthy desire to be liked by everyone: what it says

Even if we pretend that the opinions of those around us do not really care, deep down, almost all of us want to be loved, accepted, recognized for merit and approved of actions. Unfortunately, the world works a little differently: there will always be those who don’t like us too much, and we will have to come to terms with this.

However, there is a big difference between wanting and needing to be loved. The desire to be loved is quite normal, but the obsessive need for approval can be incapacitating.

Desire or need?

It is important for everyone to feel that we are accepted, that we are part of something bigger, that we belong to our “tribe”. And when someone doesn’t like us, we perceive it as a rejection - it’s not pleasant, but you can live with it: either just accept the rejection and move on, or try to find out the reason why they don’t like us.

However, there are people who cannot stand it when someone does not admire them. From the mere thought of this, their world collapses, and they strive with all their might to win the favor of a person indifferent to them, to attract his attention and earn approval. Unfortunately, this almost always backfires and backfires.

People who are desperate for the sympathy of others often behave in the following ways:

constantly trying to please everyone;
are willing to do things that are inconsistent with their character or values, wrong or even dangerous, if they feel that this will help them win the sympathy of others;
afraid of being alone or going against the crowd, may even allow something wrong to happen just to get approval;
agree to do what they don't want to make or keep friends;
feel anxious or very stressed if they find out that someone does not like them;
obsess over people they think they don't like or approve of.

Where does the need to be loved come from

Most of those for whom universal love and acceptance are vital are actually struggling with problems that should be traced back to childhood. Such people may not even realize what drives them.

Most likely, a person who strives to be loved without fail suffered from emotional neglect in childhood. He may have been the victim of emotional, verbal, or physical abuse as a child. Trauma like this can leave us feeling for a long time that just being ourselves is not enough, that we are of no value in and of ourselves, and this forces us to constantly seek the support and approval of others.

An unhealthy desire to be loved by everyone indicates an internal struggle with low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence, which can be triggered by anything. For example, the prevalence of social networks only reinforces these feelings. The competition for “likes” fuels the inner anxiety of those who are tormented by an unhealthy need to like. The inability to get the approval you want can lead to worsening psychological problems - for example, driving deeper into a state of depression.

What to do if a normal desire to please has grown into an obsessive need? Alas, there is no quick fix. On the way to stop feeling unwanted, unloved, and even insignificant whenever others do not like us, we may need the support of loved ones and, possibly, professional help. And, of course, task number one is to learn to love yourself.

About the Expert: Kurt Smith is a psychologist and family counselor.

I want to please everyone. How to heal from the desire to be perfect and build harmonious relationships with yourself and others

Barbel Wardetzki

Weiblicher Narzissmus. Der Hunger nach Anerkennung

* * *

Foreword

Mental illness not only determines the fate of an individual person, but also expresses a collective illness affecting the whole society. Therefore, our time is quite justifiably called the century of egocentrism, the obsession of man with himself, in short, the century of narcissism. However, narcissism is characterized not only by the desire for self-love and exclusive concentration on one's own I am , and in a deeper sense, this is a sign of a desperate search for yourself and the boundaries of your personality.

The desire for normality and the designation of clear psychological boundaries of the individual makes one go to the other extreme, leading to alienation, intemperance and loss of "sense of proportion", which characterizes the attitude of a modern person to life in the era of postmodernism. Not only the awareness of the depletion of the planet's natural resources forces us to moderation, but the limitations of our own mental, bodily and mental resources also tell us to moderate our ambitions and curtail our appetites.

A characteristic feature of the narcissistic personality is immoderation and a predatory, consumerist attitude towards oneself and one's social and ecological environment. How many rituals of modern "human sacrifice" in the form of emotional burnout do we perform today, sending ourselves to the slaughter for the sake of some kind of achievement, recognition and career? Imposed perfectionism, ostentatious external physical perfection and a luxurious lifestyle - all these are the "golden calves" of modernity, around which we are ready to dance to exhaustion.

By exalting ourselves above others, we literally bring ourselves to fatal exhaustion, and only this makes us stop and find our limits in healing, and at the same time come to terms with our own limitations. The slogan "Only first-class or none!" - a metaphor for life passing between two poles.

The more we lose ourselves, the more often we go to extremes in order to be able to experience at least some feelings at all. And it seems that the richer and more beautiful we look, the more we become impoverished emotionally and the more we feel the emptiness in our own soul. The cost of destroying the inner world is incredibly huge. Our patients report feeling as if they can justify their own life and reason for being only if they achieve perfection. Imposed perfectionism is a compensation for this ontological self-doubt. In short, we are sick to the very roots of our being.

Barbel Wardecki's book is based on more than 10 years of clinical experience in the treatment of patients suffering from narcissistic personality disorders. When the number of our patients diagnosed with bulimia skyrocketed, we soon noticed that when the doctor focused on the symptoms alone (i.e., eating disorders), the improvements from therapy were small and short-lived. Therefore, now in the course of treatment, we also try to understand the world in which our patients live. Out of these efforts to understand the root of the problem, the concept of female narcissism emerged.

Thanks to this strategy, many patients regained their lost Self , were able to better understand the causes of their illness, accepting things as they are. After that, they decided to go in search of their "inner child", the connection with which was once lost. As a rule, behind a luxurious facade hides an emotionally deprived, neglected and desperate child, longing for recognition and reflection of his true identity. The extreme hunger that all bulimics experience is a symbolic expression of a need for recognition that cannot be satisfied with food. This child (also called the "true" Self of the personality) suffers from the "unbearable illusory nature of being" and wants to be open both to the patient herself and to the outside world, wants to be noticed and accepted. It is the discovery of the "true" Self that serves as the starting point for recovery, but it requires patient, careful and long-term care in dealing with our "inner child".

This book is written by a woman and for women. Many of the psychiatric patients of our clinic have opened their eyes to many of the things that Barbel Wardecki described in terms of the concept of female narcissism, and I sincerely wish that her discoveries would help other women as well.

Clinic for Psychosomatic Disorders (Grenenbach),

Dr. Konrad Stauss

The way I am

There are moments in me,
when I love myself
the way I am,
at least I see all the flaws
in myself and love myself the way I am
.
Then I don't ask
how I should be,
to please others,
then I just remain myself
as I am.

Klaus Hoffmann

New edition notes

Which of the following statements applies to you?

• Do you act confident even though you feel completely different?

• Do you often get the impression that you don't know who you really are?

• Does your self-esteem fluctuate between two extremes: from feelings of mediocrity to superhero fantasies?

• Do you feel that you need to be special at all costs in order to be noticed and loved?

• Do you never do anything well enough?

• Do you dissolve so quickly into your partner that you no longer understand how you feel and what you want?

• Do you seek a relationship, but avoid dating if someone is really serious about you?

• Do you still love your partner even if he is weak and makes mistakes in life?

If you answered "no" to most of the questions, then you don't need to read this book any further. Or maybe it's still necessary? Because sometimes it is difficult for you to admit even to yourself that you suffer from extreme suspiciousness (obsessed with self-doubt, insecurity) and that a burden hangs over you all the time, as if you must be perfect and do everything right in life? And because you are afraid of intimacy and don't want to be abandoned? It is about all this that will be discussed in this book. The concept of female narcissism will help to better understand this problem and outline ways to solve and overcome it ^[1] .

Book Female Narcissism was first published in 1991. The new edition takes into account the latest theoretical developments and new research findings, and includes a chapter on the treatment of patients, which draws on the experience gained during my 15 years of practical work as a psychotherapist.

Of course, there is no ready-made recipe for psychotherapy, because all people are different, and each of us is individual. Therefore, I will talk about the most important, in my opinion, aspects that matter in the course of therapeutic work with women suffering from narcissistic personality disorder, and demonstrate them using examples from the experience I have collected and the statements of the patients themselves.

Women suffering from narcissistic personality disorder have low self-esteem, severe self-doubt and an inferiority complex, so they try to compensate for these apparent shortcomings with external attractiveness, a slim figure, personal achievements, striving for excellence and achieving uniqueness. They behave confidently, demonstrating independence outside, so that it would not even occur to others to suspect them of a weakness of spirit. However, their self-doubt manifests itself in close and intimate relationships: they are afraid of being unloved, they cling to a partner, but closeness at the same time scares them away.

They find it difficult to set their own psychological boundaries, they are unable to identify their own needs and feelings, which is why they often have to give up their desires and put the needs of others above their own. However, adhering to such principles, they hardly manage to go through life without problems, at least for a while. Typical female behaviour? Well, of course not. Such patterns of behavior are by no means natural givens; they are conditioned by social stereotypes that should be recognized and questioned. If women put up with them, then they will surely become unfortunate victims of various addictions or psychosomatic diseases.

Narcissistic personality disorders not only act as individual manifestations, but also form the image of our entire society. We live in a world that bears the imprint of narcissism: here the highest values are such qualities as omnipotence, uniqueness, peculiarity. Our society is characterized by a contradiction between reality and appearance. Behind the luxurious facade of material growth, well-being and well-being, we are increasingly losing touch with our inner essence and spiritual sphere. There is a void that can be filled by buying more things, but the feeling of satisfaction from owning them does not last long. We find the same conflict in narcissistic and bulimic women. They seem to express it without words, but through the symptoms of their disorder. In the course of my work, I learned that meaninglessness, split personality, and inner devastation are part of the symptoms of mental illness. I believe that in order for all people to recover, we need to return to our true existence and rethink the spiritual understanding of the world.

The idea to write this book came about during my psychotherapeutic work at the Clinic for Psychosomatic Diseases in Bad Groenenbach, where I was a physician from 1983 to 1992. These were the years in which eating disorders came to the fore more and more, which enabled us as therapists to develop a package of interventions for the treatment of patients suffering from such diseases. The concept of female narcissism . In 1990, I theoretically substantiated it when writing my dissertation on the topic of treating patients with bulimia. In the course of a survey of patients in the clinic, it turned out that the majority of women experiencing eating disorders, especially those suffering from bulimia, also had a personality structure characteristic of narcissism.

Acknowledgments

I would like to thank all the people directly or indirectly involved in the creation of this book. These include, first of all, patients and female patients, from whom I had a chance to learn a lot.

I thank all those who allowed me to publish their life stories and who were willing to rewrite their stories, recount the path of suffering and list their steps to recovery. I can understand them and sympathize with them, because I know what effort and what stress it cost them: after all, they had to recall a stage of life already left behind in their memory. And it pleases me all the more when I hear that for the majority this was not only a difficult task, but also gave them a certain benefit. Despite this, I know how to appreciate their efforts. I consider the personal stories of the patients, which I have included in part verbatim here, an essential part of the book.

The fruitful and intensive collaboration with the head of the psychosomatic clinic in Grenenbach, Dr. Konrad Stauss, and the team of doctors gave me a lot and also contributed greatly to the emergence of this book, facilitating the development of basic thoughts. In moments of doubt, words of encouragement gave me the courage to keep creating. In particular, I thank doctors Berndt Sprenger, Nora Maasberg, and Ferena Konze for critical remarks that led me to new insights. I also want to appreciate the financial support and ongoing collaboration with Dr. Sylvester Walch. I learned quite a lot from him both personally and professionally. All these experiences are included in the book. I also thank him for his support and support. I also thank Manfred Burgraf, my colleague, for his thoughts. I also thank my family and my friends who have always shown understanding, interest and love for me. Their contribution to my work pleased and encouraged me. I want to note that the versatile help and support from my mother was simply necessary for me.

I also thank my friend and lecturer Dagmar Oltsog for fruitful collaboration.

I. Female narcissism

What is female narcissism?

Narcissism and narcissistic - these are two concepts that in the last few decades have been increasingly directed by the vector of interest of scientists working in the field of psychology, psychotherapy. In addition, they are also finding more and more frequent use in spoken language. In general, these two words mean something that has to do with self-love / narcissism ^[2] . Often they are used in relation to inadequate self-esteem, manifested in "arrogance, ambition and excessive fixation of a person on his personality" ^[3] . The term "narcissism" and the related adjective "narcissistic" characterize a fundamental flaw that limits life's opportunities and partly makes it impossible to establish quality supportive relationships based on love. The concept of "violation" implies such an idea that there is some other, normal state. In my opinion, it manifests itself in the form of a more or less inadequate sense of self-love and self-awareness of a person. Narcissistic personality disorders are an element of our lives, and they sometimes cause any person to waver in their self-esteem, at least for a while. The difference between a short-term change and a disorder lies in the strength and quality of such a violation. A person with a stable self-esteem system, that is, a person without a narcissistic disorder, may become angry or sad in response to a remark or criticism, but at the same time he will not lose his own dignity and will not doubt the meaning of his existence. A person with narcissistic disorders will respond to criticism with more distrust and will not be able to maintain a sense of self-worth. Perhaps he will be so traumatized by an unpleasant statement that he will even consider himself superfluous and unnecessary to this world. “What right does a person like me, forced to listen to such harsh criticism, have to walk on the earth of sin and trample on its firmament?”

Stephen Johnson, Ph.D., distinguishes between narcissistic personality and narcissistic disorder. He places these two concepts on the same straight line, where the first means “everyday narcissism”, and the second, unlike the first, is already a serious disorder, because the self-image ^[4] and the defense mechanism ^[5] turn out to be more broken and damaged. I agree with psychoanalyst Karin Asper, who understands narcissistic disorder as “damaged self-love stemming from childhood emotional trauma.”^[6] .

However, along with self-love (in the sense of self-acceptance and self-care), there is another aspect that relates to narcissism, namely self-confidence, that is, belief in both one's own competence and in the acceptance of oneself by others ^[7] . Only the one who feels accepted by others and considers himself a competent person does not force others to love him for some special skills or for his ideal appearance, in order to compensate for the lack of self-confidence.

I developed the concept of female narcissism when I began to delve deeper into the personalities of "bulimics" (i. e., binge eaters and self-vomiters) ^[8] . These women excited me and aroused my interest and curiosity in them. But it was not only that. I was simultaneously touched by the suffering that I saw in them. When I first met, I got the impression that I was talking with conscious, active women who just needed to develop the right attitude towards food and nothing more. They seemed to me cheerful, open, frank in talking about themselves and motivated to work on themselves. Anguish is something that never came to the surface. They suffered for many years because several times a day they literally gorged themselves, after which they forced themselves to artificially vomit to get rid of what they had eaten. They were ashamed to speak frankly about it, and only in the course of detailed conversations did I manage to find out the true extent of the disease caused by deep self-doubts, strong self-rejection, loneliness, isolation and chaos of feelings. The patients were reluctant to talk about their suffering and despair, and if they suddenly began to lift the veil of secrecy, they emotionally distanced themselves from their problems. Since all women are very good at hiding behind a perfect facade, I often fell for the bait they threw. The patients managed to convince me that their habit of overeating and immediately running to the toilet was normal and that there was nothing wrong with that. They did this six times a day or even more often, without saying a word about the pain they experienced while doing this, not mentioning the fear of being exposed, not hinting at confrontation with other people, because they could resist eating and subsequent vomiting. This went on for quite some time, but then the women finally informed me of their despair and stopped deceiving themselves and the world that they had everything under control.

We found the same contradiction at the somatic level. As a rule, all these women were attractive, attached paramount importance to their appearance, had in most cases good figures, but they completely rejected objective reality, considering themselves scary, fat, ugly and, above all, unworthy of sympathy! They longed for intimacy and love, but ran away from them when they liked someone. They again doomed themselves to loneliness, although it was from the feeling of abandonment that they suffered the most. They played their chosen role under the motto "I'm doing great" in order to gain attention and recognition from others, but at the same time they felt miserable, unhappy and depressed. All their feelings and actions were characterized by strong contradictions and an inability to know who they really are.

Everything looked as if they were dancing around themselves, moving in a circle, but they never came to themselves. They were strangers to themselves and suffered from self-alienation ^[9] . Deep inside, they did not know what they were: sad, depressed women, or they were in euphoria, infecting others with their good mood. Also, they did not receive sufficient guidance from the outside to help them get an answer to the question of who they really are. Since those around them perceived them adequately, they were ready to help, in a good mood, in a consolidated and stable manner. But they felt like that only in very rare, finest hours. The vicious circle seemed to be closed, and there was no way out of this dilemma.

For example, Bridget, a 30-year-old woman who is experiencing relationship difficulties and has a female narcissistic personality structure, describes her split as follows:

I constantly have to hide my longing for love, intimacy, and security. But no, no one should see me for who I really am! I would burn with shame if someone saw my neediness behind my facade of a conscious independent woman.

This is how I appear to others. I make an effort to look good, communicate in a friendly manner, and choose amiable forms of dealing with others. Others should think of me like this: here comes a young, energetic, active, conscious and open woman. She can do different things in life, boldly approaches people, defends her right to exist and her position, does not allow herself to be overstepped, does a job that she knows well, and is always ready to stand up for herself. I never show my true personality to anyone, but I concentrate on maintaining the impression of a professionally successful woman. In addition, she is also socially active.

This is how I feel. No one is allowed to know what is really going on in my soul. Smile, Bridget, smile. Maybe they are watching you right now. These people still take you for a fool, they never take you seriously. I must behave as if I am happy, as if I know and understand everything and nothing can move me from the right path. I act confidently and accurately, because others evaluate me precisely by my actions. But often I feel so insecure that I'm almost ready to crawl under the rug. Then I have a fear that I can’t do anything right, that I behave incorrectly, say all sorts of stupid things and everyone rejects me. I think a lot about what others think of me, and it would be better if I acted in such a way as to please everyone. However, most of the time I feel like an insignificant and mediocre person. How, being like this, can someone like me?”

This story vividly demonstrates the scale of splitting, the gulf between the outer mask of a strong personality and the inner uncertainty with devaluation. Nobody should know about it! After all, if it suddenly turns out who she really is, then the deception will be revealed: the woman plays the image of a conscious person. But in reality, the patient considers herself insecure and needy.

However, some bulimic women are not the only ones who feel this way and are distant from what we call true identity. There are many women who behave confidently, although they feel far from it, they do not really know who they are; they also suffer from severe self-doubt, experience problems in close relationships and cohabitation.

Therefore, I am writing this book for women who suffer from an inferiority complex, although they are quite successful; devalue themselves, but at the same time look good; do not allow themselves to build strong relationships, although they have a strong desire. The book is written for women who are addicted to some kind of mania or addiction to anything, suffering from bulimia or alcoholism, anorexia nervosa, or experiencing drug cravings. But it will also come in handy for those who have not become a victim of any attraction. I write for women who are having difficulty in relationships because they are still emotionally entangled in childhood feelings. I want to appeal to women who feel empty inside. To those who never feel loved, and to those who, experiencing strong mental stress, seek intimacy and attention, but cannot get what they want. I am writing for those who consider themselves abandoned in their souls, and instead of trusting themselves and the world, perceive it as an abyss fraught with many threats and dangers.

Using the concept of female narcissism, one can describe the mental processes that take place in the soul of such women, tell about what they failed to learn in childhood, what steps in personal development they need to take today, and what ways they already have to get out of the inner prison now. For this purpose, I will talk about several premises that lead to the development of a narcissistic personality structure. I am reluctant to talk about the reasons, because because of this, the reader may create the following semantic connection: when there is condition A, this inevitably leads to condition B. This point of view is inappropriate when considering the actual circumstances in psychology, since the formation of personality is influenced many factors, and all of them have mutual influence on each other. Therefore, I will give a few cases that often happened in childhood with most people who are obsessed with narcissism. However, individual measures of upbringing or experiencing the past rarely turn out to be decisive for the development of the personality, and the way the child processes and perceives these events mean much more. In some places, I point out the significance of bulimia, but I emphasize the dynamics that are characteristic of female narcissistic disorder. Food may also play a role for people who do not have eating disorders. Many people eat to calm down, get rid of unpleasant feelings, fill the void inside, so food serves as an ersatz for them ^[10] meet some other need.

Most women with female narcissistic disorder have trouble accepting their body and weight and therefore have a difficult relationship with food, even if they do not have an eating disorder. They also suffer, for example, from a false feeling of emptiness in the stomach, and this feeling cannot be satisfied by any food, because it is not a physiological, but a spiritual hunger. First of all, we are talking about frustration, boredom, sadness and loneliness, since it is these that determine the mental attitude in which many women begin to eat too much or refuse food, even if in general they can relate to it normally. How many women associate their well-being with their own weight, believing that they will receive more love and attention from others if they become thinner? Often this way of thinking takes on the features of an obsession and obsession, which only worsens the quality of life.

This type of thinking is characteristic of a certain form of eating disorder that has not yet become an obsession and turned into a painful passion, but can develop into addictive behavior: latent bulimia ^[11] . It can clearly recognize the gradual transition from normal eating behavior to abnormal. A latent disorder refers to a patient's strictly controlled food intake or a lifestyle in which the patient is constantly dieting. Patients, with the help of their will and mind, curb their desire for food, are afraid of gaining weight, and often think about what they can eat and what not, and this becomes an obsessive thought. They do not trust or have too little trust in their own needs, ignore their body signals, and are very rarely able to truly enjoy food. These characteristics, however, also apply to bulimia (painful craving for food, after which there is a desire to induce vomiting), and to anorexia (unhealthy desire to lose weight) ^[12] . The significant difference is that a woman suffering from latent bulimia, as a rule, does not run to the toilet to vomit what she has eaten, hardly shows fluctuations in weight, and her gastronomic addictions are not so striking. She has everything under control, she has not yet gone crazy, like dependent women. When this self-control misfires, then there is a danger of overt bulimia.

At this point, it would be appropriate to give one more indication. In the course of therapeutic work with patients with eating disorders, I learned that food or hunger was not a significant problem for these women, even if at first glance it seemed so. After all, they go to the doctor because they cannot properly handle food, so they make themselves vomit or starve. Despite this, bulimia is more than just a superficial symptom, as it is closely related to self-esteem and impaired relationships with others, which will be discussed in the book. Therefore, during treatment, the above circumstances should also be taken into account in order to ensure a long-term recovery of patients.

Gundi, a 30-year-old woman who suffered from gluttony and a desire to get rid of what she had eaten for many years, describes at the end of her first inpatient stay in the clinic the features of her abnormal relationship with food. Here, at the same time, one can trace the description of the problems observed in narcissistic disorders according to the female type:

“I could not imagine that the attacks of gluttony and the desire to induce vomiting would ever disappear. And now I know that I can live without it. I learned not only about the symptoms of my disease, but also about the causes of its occurrence. All my life I have suffered from low self-esteem. No sense of self-worth, no self-confidence. I used to feel guilty when my mood suddenly lifted, but most often this pseudo-happiness was associated with alcohol intake, food, or sexual activity, so I actually felt bad. I noticed only the negative aspects of life, I could not perceive my boundaries, I was obsessed with the desire to control my thoughts. I understood that my life was going downhill and I myself was rolling downhill. First of all, my obsessive thoughts were to blame, which constantly plunged me into confusion, but now I understand this. All the time I took my gloomy ideas for reality and was sure of my worthlessness. Now I know that this way of thinking was due to my illness. Thanks to this realization, I was able to start living better than before. It also helped me a lot to understand that I am responsible for my own feelings. Before the start of treatment, when the blues attacked me, I tried to change only external circumstances that I was unable to influence. So I continued to get bogged down in depression and then ate through strength. Now I know it's about me. It's up to me whether I get angry or hurt myself. I never thought about the fact that I can manage my own spiritual mood, prevent nervousness and anxiety. I thought that I just had such a character and that everything could be fixed only with valerian drops. Thank God, now I know that I can at least change something in myself, because I drive myself into a stressful state.

In any case, I hope that I will not only be able to quit, but also sober up ^[13] . I became very daring, intemperate and indiscreet because I really want to be happy. I don't want to be in conflict with life every day and be in a sour mood. I want to do something with my inner world. At the moment I am still in euphoria, I have the feeling that a new life has begun. But to lead it, of course, in fact, will not be easy. And yet, more and more often, I feel in my soul a wonderful, pleasant, warm feeling, about which I can say that this is real life. Such overwhelming warmth. It still gives me a little anxiety, but it's the strongest feeling I've ever experienced. And I will do my best to make it the meaning of my life.”

1. Narcissism is understood "with reference to the myth of Narcissus: the love that a person feels for the image of himself" (Laplanche, Pontalis, p. 317). People who are characterized as narcissists are individuals with a disturbed sense of self-love and self-esteem.

2. Asper, 1987, p. 63

3. Hartman according to Kohut, 2006.

4. The system of the individual's ideas about himself, the conscious, reflective part of the personality.

5. An unconscious mental process aimed at minimizing negative experiences.

6. Asper, 1987, p. 63

7. Resch/Mohler after Kernberg/Hartmann, p. 65

8. With bulimia, patients often consume large amounts of food many times a day, in order to then voluntarily get rid of it through artificial vomiting. They experience a panic fear of weight gain.

9. Asper, 1987

10. A surrogate, an inferior substitute for something.

11. First described by Mader in 1984 in a pamphlet on eating disorders.

12. Anorexia has certain similarities with bulimia, but differs from it primarily in that patients are obsessed with the goal of losing weight, but are not able to realize the abnormality of their passion. As a rule, they suffer from severe dystrophy and consciously refuse normal nutrition and normal weight gain.

13. The terms "sobriety" and "abstinence" are borrowed from the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and can be used for any form of addiction.

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