Why do i seek validation
Tips to Stop Seeking Validation from Others I Psych Central
A healthy amount of external validation is needed for your mental well-being, but how much is too much?
Internal validation is the ability to honor and acknowledge your positive attributes, strengths, achievements, and emotions. External validation is the acknowledgment of your strengths and emotions from others.
We often rely on friends and loved ones for support and encouragement. A part of that includes external validation.
When we finally get that dream job, go on that perfect date, or get the promotion we’ve been waiting for, we can’t wait to tell those closest to us. We want them to validate our wins and help us celebrate.
Validation is a common need most of us experience.
But like any behavior, validation-seeking exists on a spectrum — from the less harmful habit of impressing someone or occasionally compromising with others to keep the peace to the more harmful one of ignoring our rights and enduring abuse to avoid abandonment.
You might seek too much validation as an adult if you received too little or too much external validation in childhood. This may affect how you manage your emotions, personality, and attachment style.
A 2016 study suggests that emotional validation from mothers, especially in childhood, builds emotional awareness.
When a child grows up not feeling valued or receiving praise or encouragement, they may have trouble regulating their emotions.
This may also contribute to other symptoms such as:
- difficulty trusting others
- high levels of anxiety
- fear of rejection
- unpredictable or confusing behaviors
A 2018 study found that mental health conditions such as borderline personality disorder may result from having an emotionally invalidating childhood environment.
On the other hand, receiving excessive praise and overvaluation in childhood can also lead to interpersonal difficulties and a sense of entitlement.
A 2015 study suggests that narcissistic traits such as entitlement and requiring validation in adulthood may develop due to too much praise and overvaluation in childhood.
An excessive need for validation may also be a symptom of other mental health conditions, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition (DSM-5).
These can include:
- histrionic personality disorder
- body dysmorphic disorder
- dependent personality disorder
If you think you may be living with one of these conditions, consider reaching out to mental health professional for further evaluation.
Achieving a balance between internal and external validation is crucial to having healthy self-esteem.
You may be searching for too much external validation if you find yourself doing the following:
- feeling guilty about setting boundaries with others
- overachieving in an attempt to garner praise from others
- jumping from relationship to relationship without taking the time to heal because you feel you can’t be alone
- having difficulty making decisions on your own without someone else’s input
- saying yes to tasks and plans you’d prefer saying no to so that you can maintain approval from others
- inability to disagree with or challenge others due to fear of being judged or abandoned
- comparing yourself constantly to others and feeling a chronic sense of “lack” without acknowledging your unique strengths
- becoming emotionally distressed when you’re not the center of attention and frantic attempts to recenter yourself
- punishing yourself for not being “chosen” or acknowledged in contexts such as friendships, school, and at work
- fabricating or exaggerating life circumstances to gain sympathy from others
If you find yourself regularly seeking too much validation from others to the point where it begins to hurt you and interfere with your daily functioning, there are ways you can manage this behavior.
Consider trying the following strategies.
Examine your childhood experiences
Consider taking an inventory of the experiences of invalidation you may have experienced in your life throughout childhood and adulthood.
Ask yourself this question: Did I feel invisible or like I was deprived of healthy attention and praise as a child? If so, in what ways?
Then consider how you might give yourself the healthy praise and attention you never received.
For example, if you were routinely ignored as a child, are there ways you tend to yourself in a more nurturing way as an adult? This may include regularly telling yourself that you’re proud of yourself and that you believe in yourself.
If you need additional help, consider reaching out to a mental health professional. They can guide you as you examine childhood experiences and provide tools to help.
Use self-care to self-validate
Try replacing your excessive validation-seeking behaviors and thoughts with self-soothing methods that work for you, such as mindfulness meditation and yoga.
A 2011 study found that 8 weeks of mindfulness meditation could physically change the brain, increasing gray matter in areas of the brain related to decision-making, empathy, and emotional regulation.
Practicing meditation may help improve your self-control when setting boundaries and making decisions that align with what you authentically desire.
Using positive affirmations can also be used for self-validation. Try to tailor the affirmations to your specific needs.
For example, if you want to boost your self-confidence, affirmations you might try include: “I am confident” or “I am enough.”
Positive affirmations can help you replace negative self-talk with more mindfulness and empowerment.
Practice saying no
People-pleasing and seeking validation can be a hard habit to break, especially when you have a fear of abandonment.
You can start by practicing saying no to smaller requests before you move on to larger ones that may leave you feeling excessively fearful.
This way, you’ll have plenty of practice handling the discomfort of potentially disappointing someone before refusing larger requests.
Surround yourself with nourishing support networks
Consider your current social networks, and ask yourself these questions:
- Are they encouraging, or are they emotionally depleting?
- Are there communities or professionals I can connect with that can provide me with emotional validation?
Support groups and mental health professionals specializing in boundary work can help build a supportive network.
Detach from invalidating people
When you find yourself seeking validation from others, ask yourself if the person you’re seeking validation from is a “safe” person who is emotionally nourishing or might exploit you during a vulnerable time.
Consider whether they have violated your personal boundaries in the past. If they have, you can try a friend who is more supportive instead, talk with a therapist, or take time alone for your self-care.
Rather than seeking validation from others, consider slowing down and asking yourself what you need and finding a way to give validation to yourself.
It’s crucial to practice harm reduction by not seeking validation from people who could potentially cause you more emotional distress.
Seeking validation exists on a spectrum. Whether you’re seeking validation as an occasional habit or a chronic way of life, you can adapt more helpful ways to empower yourself.
External validation may be needed for your well-being, but self-validation and instilling more positive and empowering beliefs can be important to cultivating and maintaining healthy self-esteem.
Engaging in self-care and healing modalities that best work for you and your needs can help you achieve this balance.
A mental health professional can also be a great resource to help you along this journey. If you’re looking for support but not sure where to start, you can check out Psych Central’s hub for finding mental health support.
Shahida Arabi, MA, is a summa cum laude graduate of Columbia University and best-selling author of three books, including “Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare and Power.” Her new book, “The Highly Sensitive Person’s Guide to Toxic People,” published by New Harbinger Publications, is available in all major bookstores. Her viral articles have garnered over 18 million views and her work has been featured on Psychology Today, Salon, Bustle, Psych Central, The Huffington Post, Inc., Origin, Thought Catalog, VICE, and The New York Daily News. She’s currently a graduate student at Harvard University conducting research on romantic relationships with individuals with narcissistic and psychopathic traits.
Need for validation and its effects on mental health
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Over the years, the concept of validation has come to the forefront, more so due to the surge in social media.
The moment you upload a picture or a story on a photo-sharing or video-sharing platform, the desire to be liked and appreciated takes over. Of course, not in the case of everyone. But this is what such platforms feed on: the insecurities of their users.
So what exactly is validation and how can it hamper your life? And why is it that certain people require it more than others?
Dr Preeti Kocchar, counseling psychologist, IWill, shares her view, “Emotional validation involves understanding and showing acceptance for another person’s feelings. When people receive this type of validation, they feel that their emotions are not only seen and heard by others but that these feelings are also accepted. If a person feels that their thoughts, feelings, and emotions are not heard and understood, they may be left feeling isolated and unsupported. This, over a period of time, may trigger insecurity in some individuals whose sense of self-validation may be lacking and may turn them into validation addicts.
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Known as approval addiction, this behavioural health condition is defined as an intense desire to win the approval of those around you and avoid feelings of rejection at all costs.
Why do you need constant validation?
Dr Kocchar explains, “People crave attention for a variety of reasons, including normal emotional development, low self-esteem, and, in some extreme cases, the presence of personality disorders. Emotional, social, and physical reasons typically are behind a child’s attention-seeking behaviours. It’s not inherently bad! In fact, we all begin life in a state of complete reliance on external validation. As children, we rely on it to learn appropriate behaviours; as adults, it’s a necessary part of tribe life.”
You need to be able to take instructions and constructive criticism from others in order to collaborate with peers. The problem occurs when outside approval becomes your be-all and end-all. Neither is it healthy to completely eschew the opinions of others.
If your boss asked you to make some changes to a project you may have submitted, or if a professor suggested a different angle for your essay, would you completely ignore the feedback?
“It is not about agreeing with someone or accepting their thoughts as your own. It is about being able to accept these thoughts and experiences as being valid. Validation is part of being interdependent and relying on the feedback and encouragement of others around us. It’s all about balance: knowing when to take healthy, constructive feedback from others, while not relying completely on outside approval for your sense of self-worth,” she adds.
But there’s also more to it to seeking validation
Conversely, invalidation is one of the most damaging forms of emotional abuse. What’s scary is that it can be one of the most subtle and unintentional abuses. Invalidating a person’s feelings and emotional experience can make them feel like they’re going crazy.
“Stonewalling involves refusing to communicate with another person. Intentionally shutting down during an argument, also known as silent treatment, can be hurtful, frustrating, and harmful to the relationship. Seeking validation beyond a healthy constructive limit is defined as attention-seeking behaviour. This is commonly seen on social media nowadays. Attention-seeking behaviour can include saying or doing something with the goal of getting the attention of a person or a group of people,” says Dr Kocchar.
Examples of this behavior include:
• Fishing for compliments by pointing out achievements and seeking validation
• Being controversial to provoke a reaction
• Exaggerating and embellishing stories to gain praise or sympathy
• Pretending to be unable to do something so someone will teach, help, or watch the attempt to do it.
Attention-seeking behaviour may be driven by:
• Jealousy
• Low self-esteem
• Loneliness
“Self-esteem is a broad term covering a variety of complex mental states involving how you view yourself.
When some people believe that they’re being overlooked, bringing back the lost attention may feel like the only way to restore their balance. The attention that they get from this behaviour may help provide them with the feeling of reassurance that they are worthy,” she shares.
Loneliness can result in an urge to seek attention, even in people who don’t normally exhibit attention-seeking behaviour. Feeling insecure in your relationship from time to time is completely normal. However, if you find yourself and your partner exhausted by your constant need for reassurance and your daily life impacted by it, you may have a condition known as relationship OCD (ROCD).
If you regularly seek such validation, it might escalate to become your NEED. It might start affecting your everyday choices. Your sole goal might change into pleasing people around you – even if it conflicts with your internal values and feelings.
How do you break this cycle of seeking validation?
Dr Kocchar says an effective first step in breaking the need for validation from others starts with understanding the type of validation you are seeking: Do you want to be acknowledged through social media? Are you interested in hearing that you are one in the group, the best one at work, the ideal spouse, or perhaps the greatest parent?
“Learning to recognize when you are seeking validation from external sources is the first step.
By acknowledging this behaviour, people can choose a more effective option, breaking the cycle and learning to look internally for validation,” she says.
Some good ways to start include:
-
Take a social media break:
Getting off social media is a great place to start. This eliminates any comparison with others or the anxiety and stress about how your picture, post, or comment is being seen and received by others.
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Be mindful:
Look carefully at what you are doing. Look for improvements and make a record of these either as a mental note or in a journal. This is self-validation that helps you acknowledge your own abilities, talents, and skills.
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Do not ask for validation:
Instead of seeking validation from others, ask yourself first. If you do receive validation (encouragement or acknowledgment) recognize the praise and acknowledge it, then stop.
Do not continue to ask others or seek out others for validation.Keep in mind that validation is not a bad thing in your life; it is affirming and positive. It only becomes problematic when it becomes the focus of all you do.
“Prove that you love me”: who needs confirmation of feelings and why
A still from the series “Sex and the City” (1998-2004)
strength. In fact, there are a lot of couples in which both men and women reveal a high level of love affection for each other. Let's try to understand why the partner requires confirmation of feelings, and what to do if you also have the opportunity to complete this "quest". nine0003
Parents' "Life Scenario"
Still from the movie Sorry for Love (2014)
One of the reasons why a partner wants proof may be the relationship model in the parental family. Growing up, the child has only one pattern of behavior - parental, it is also called the "life script". Unfortunately, even if you are aware of this scenario, it is extremely difficult to completely avoid repeating it in your life.
For example, a child could be brought up in a family where one of the spouses reproached the other for infidelity. Scandals motivated by jealousy, a detailed clarification of the time spent away from home, the calculation of the money spent from the family budget - all this called into question such qualities as trust, reliability and faith in the honesty of a partner. nine0003
Sometimes the parents unwittingly draw the child into their relationship, telling how difficult adult life is. Hence the attitudes that, like a banner, we carry in front of us: “Your father is cheating, other men do the same”, “Never repeat my mistakes, be independent” and “Men cannot be trusted”. These and many other phrases become the foundation on which we build our future life. The presumption of innocence does not work here - after all, a man cannot be trusted, it is dangerous. nine0003
However, the deep desire to love and be loved is inherent in us by nature. And when we enter into a relationship with a man, we are torn apart by a contradiction: on the one hand, we want intimacy, love and trust, on the other hand, we are afraid that we might be hurt, deceived and betrayed.
A frank conversation can help in this case. Instead of another pointless scandal, try to be open about your feelings. Of course, such recognition requires awareness and courage, but the effect of it is not comparable to any possible proof of love. If you directly say that you are afraid of being rejected and abandoned, that you do not feel safe next to your beloved, and that is why you demand to prove love, you will receive much more attention and care than after a quarrel based on mutual accusations. nine0003
Doubts about one’s own value and uniqueness
A still from the film “My King” (2015)
The need to receive constant confirmation of love can also arise due to internal insecurity and the lack of the “I am good” mindset. A thousand doubts about your person on various issues are the best help in order to transfer your fear to another, demanding unquestioning love from him. More often, this behavior is characteristic of people who outwardly do not look timid at all.
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Bright women and men who demonstrate self-confidence, are attractive and pleasing can become hostages of such a thing as narcissism. It is based on an internal conflict, which can be described as a desire to receive love, which was not there in childhood. It is a neurotic condition that requires constant evidence from outside that "I am loved." In appearance, such people are quite cynical about everything that happens, including relationships. Their cynicism, so attractive and intriguing at the stage of recognizing a partner, turns into a manic desire 24/7 to feel unique and unique. nine0003
Such a relationship can be compared to a pitcher with a hole in the bottom - it cannot be filled to the brim. After all, no matter how much attention you pay to your partner, he will always be small. The most innocuous requests at the beginning of a relationship - for example, to call more often and say words of love - after a while turn into demands to prove their feelings, risking their lives.
In such a situation, it is important for the second partner to realize what is really happening and stop playing this game. “Doing good to another” and curing by force is impossible. Yes, and it is not necessary. But it is necessary to maintain our borders and prevent tragedy. nine0003
Misunderstanding of the principle of unconditional love
A shot from the film “Obsession” (2004)
Another reason to demand proof may be a misunderstanding of one's resource in a relationship. The inner conviction that you can love me only for something - most often material - is a habit from the past. Even in childhood, many of us were tried by parents or senior mentors to impose their ideas about what an ideal wife, husband, mother, friend, son, daughter, etc. should be. Why do so many children strive to conform to these stereotypes? It's simple: by fitting into the framework of the "ideal child", we satisfy not only the desire of our parents, but also become "good" in our own eyes, and therefore worthy of being loved. nine0003
In fact, parents usually do this with the best of intentions - they want the best for us. But their motivation is most often a set of formulaic phrases that we involuntarily absorb: “A good housewife should be able to cook”, “A real man is the one who can provide for his family, nail, fix the refrigerator, etc.” Unconsciously, we learn these rules, as a result of which the concept of "unconditional love" becomes ephemeral.
And in adulthood, when a man falls in love with us and does not require us to conform to the "ideal", we have a dissonance. Moreover, in principle, he may not understand our desire for the stereotypical model of behavior of a “good and loving wife”. In the vast majority of cases, a man will choose the lack of cleaning at home for a week than the annoyed tone of a partner tired of household chores. And a woman can be understanding and patient with temporary financial difficulties, while a husband torments himself with guilt because he cannot provide for his family.
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Understanding that relationships are not built only on the exchange of material goods will help you get out of the vicious circle. Ask yourself: “What am I giving to the partner?”. Let this list include not only material obligations, but also spiritual components, such as: warmth, care, attention, support and the ability to listen.
Family psychologist, consultant.
Photo: stills from films
Prove you love: how to stop demanding it from a partner
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Man and woman Know yourself
Strictly speaking, it is impossible to convince another that we love him: our feeling of being loved depends not only on how the partner behaves, but also on whether we are able to accept his feelings, whether we believe in their sincerity. Confirmations are required in the case when, for one reason or another, there is no faith.
Doubts can be justified or unfounded, but the main thing is that they do not allow you to feel love, even if the partner diligently shows it.
If there is faith, then it is no longer about the requirements of evidence, but rather about the missing manifestations of love. nine0003
Let's take a closer look at the possible causes of doubt. Three basic scenarios can be distinguished.
1. They really don't like us, but we don't want to believe it
The scenario is unpleasant, but sometimes doubts that we are loved can be quite justified. Everyone has their own criteria for love, but the main indicator that something is going wrong is when we feel bad, and even if the partner makes efforts to change the situation, everything ultimately remains the same.
It would seem that everything is simple: if they don't like us, we have to leave. Why then wait for proof of love? To maintain the habitual stable image of relations. It is with great difficulty that we part with the safe and understandable, because the new is always unknown and scary. Our psyche needs time to realize what is happening and rebuild. In psychology, this process is called mourning.
When it comes to the realization that the current relationship does not suit us, the desire to part with a partner becomes obvious
We literally mourn what was precious to us: meaningful relationships, feeling protected, familiar images of ourselves and a partner. Everyone grieves differently: shocked, in denial, haggling to make things the same, demanding proof, getting angry, depressed, crying. Sometimes we go through all these stages until we finally understand that we are ready to accept the current situation.
It is important to give yourself time and support for this. When the realization comes that the previous relationship is no longer there, and the current ones do not suit us, the desire to part with a partner, as a rule, becomes obvious and natural. However, this path becomes much more difficult if the fear of losing the relationship is too strong. nine0003
What to do?
- Don't lash out: it is important to understand the reasons for doubts, to understand how justified they are.
- Share your thoughts and experiences with a partner. If you do not feel his love, tell him about it, explain why this is so and what exactly you are missing, and the more details, the better.
- Give yourself time to hear the inner answer to the question of whether you want to stay in this relationship. If, after a heart-to-heart talk, it is still bad, but you cannot make a decision on your own, it is advisable to seek help from a psychologist. nine0080
2. We are loved, but we find it hard to believe
This scenario is directly related to a traumatic experience once experienced. To understand how much he feels about you, it is useful to ask yourself the question of what exactly causes doubts in love, how reasonable they are, and whether you have ever felt something like this before.
Child-parent relationships lay the foundation for our interaction with ourselves and with the world. So, for example, the daughter of a man who left the family or regularly raises his hand to his relatives, as a rule, develops distrust of men.
And the boy, whom his mother sparingly hugged only for special merits, learns that he is not worthy of unconditional love, which means that he will doubt the feelings of his beloved woman. nine0003
If you find yourself in the “do not believe – prove it” cycle, this is a sure sign of being stuck in a previously received psychological trauma attitude towards themselves, subconsciously waiting for the repetition of that very painful experience. Tormented by doubts, they strive to obtain evidence of their partner's love, but even after repeated confirmations they cannot calm down: the learned distrust is stronger. nine0003We can show rather than prove love, and the partner has the right to believe or not believe in our feelings. And if you find yourself in the “do not believe - prove it” cycle, this is a sure sign of being stuck in a previously received psychotrauma.
How to be?
- Pay attention to the difference between what was once in childhood or in a previous painful relationship, and how the current partner behaves.
- Share with your partner your fears of intimacy and trust and doubts about his love. The best evidence that the past is behind you is the sincere surprise of your partner in response to your story. nine0080
3. We are missing something: attentions, hugs, adventures
This scenario is not really about proofs of love, but rather about the fact that you are missing something right now. Relationships are not linear: at some moments they may be closer, at others less so. New projects, a change of status, the birth of children significantly affect us, and at some point we may feel a lack of partner's love - more precisely, some of its manifestations.
Our feelings are greatly influenced by what love languages we speak to each other. Everyone has their own set: hugs, gifts, help in solving difficulties, intimate conversations ... You probably have one or two leading ways to express and perceive love. Your partner may be completely different. nine0003
For example, a husband may regularly give flowers to his wife as a token of his feelings, but she will not feel his love, because most of all she needs bodily contact and conversations with him.
In family counseling, the discovery of such a difference in perception is often a real discovery, even in couples living together for ten or even twenty years.
How to be?
- Tell your partner what is important to you, and the more specific the better. For example: “It is important for me that when you come home, you hug and kiss me, and then sit on the sofa with me and, holding my hand, tell me how your day went. That's how I feel loved." nine0080
Many will object: it turns out that we are begging for declarations of love, which means that this will not be considered. Will. It's okay to talk about yourself and what's important to you. This is how you contribute to the relationship. We are very different, but we can’t read each other’s thoughts, even if we really want to. Your responsibility in a relationship is to feel good about it, which means it's important to talk about yourself to your partner and talk about what you need. As a rule, if he is able to fulfill your needs, then he will readily do it.
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- Ask your partner what language they use to express their love. Start noticing how he does it. You will be surprised how many mini-feats we perform for each other every day.
At sessions of psychological counseling for families, I often come across the fact that spouses do not notice manifestations of each other's love - they simply consider them a given or something insignificant. The husband did not wake up his wife and took the child to the garden, put on her favorite sweater, called to the restaurant so as not to bother cooking. The wife bought her beloved a new shirt, listened to his stories about work all evening, put the children to bed early and arranged a romantic evening. There are many examples of manifestations of love. It is up to us whether we notice them. nine0003
I have personally been in each of the situations described above and am incredibly grateful for the experience. The first scenario was the most painful for me, but it helped me turn to face myself, the second allowed me to work through many psychological traumas and taught me to distinguish between fears and reality, and the third finally proved the need for dialogue with loved ones.
