Feel disconnected from spouse

Common Reasons for Feeling Disconnected in Marriage

By David Schramm, Extension Associate Professor

When many people are asked what they want for their marriage, they reply that they want to love and be loved. And while that is true, most couples want even more. They have a deep desire to feel understood, respected, safe, needed, heard, appreciated, and perhaps most of all, to feel connection (Johnson, 2008).

When most new relationships are formed, there is often a feeling of excitement and anticipation surrounding the “newness” of the relationship. Our brains and bodies release a host of happy neurochemicals designed to draw couples together.

But for all couples, at some point, the newness wears off and the reality of stresses and imperfections arise. Busy schedules, bills, and babies come along and that feeling of closeness and connection becomes more difficult to maintain.

What happens to the connection between couples and what can be done? Here are 8 “D’s” of disconnection that help explain why most couples grow more distant over time.

1. Drifting

Over time, without being mean or nasty, all couples experience a slow drifting apart. Like two people in inner tubes floating a slow river, without intentionally holding on to each other, they will naturally drift apart. Over time, all couples get used to each other and when they get casual and comfortable, they tend to get critical. This often leads to “affection deprivation” and ADD or “attention deficit dilemma” as couples get busy and neglect doing the things that created feelings of connection earlier on.

2. Darts and Daggers

Many couples feel hurt when unkind things (darts and daggers) are expressed. Excessive complaints, criticism, name-calling and contempt drive distance between people. It has been said that reactions can wreck relationships. Couple connection could be strengthened if partners pay more attention to their temper, tongue, and tone of voice. And when unkind things are said, be quick to apologize and forgive. One more tip – don’t parent your partner. No one likes to constantly be told what to do.

3. Disruptions to Daily Life

Often circumstances out of our control cause chaos and disruptions that create distance and disconnection in a marriage. These range from mental health and moving to job loss, car troubles and even having a baby. These anticipated and unanticipated disruptions and stresses can create tension that creeps into couple relationships. The key is to be aware of them, manage them in healthy ways, and don’t let a challenge to be solved become more important that a person to be loved.

4. Distance

Close relationships require meaningful time together. Some couples drift apart due to factors that keep them from being together. These can include being physically apart for long periods of time, working long hours or different hours than your spouse, working multiple jobs, and frequent travel. Long periods of physical distance can lead to emotional distance in relationships.

5. Destructive Decisions

Marriage requires consistent clear communication about all aspects of life. Making some decisions without discussion or one-sided, secretive hidden habits can diminish trust, connection, and closeness. This could be things such as excessive spending and pornography addiction to substance abuse and even affairs. How each partner uses their time and how they make decisions can make or break some relationships.

6. Disagreements and Defensiveness

All couples will experience disagreements and it is natural to become defensive and even feel some resentment when there is a heated discussion. Common topics of disagreements include money, sex, how time is spent, and how to parent children (Schramm et al., 2005. Anger and resentment can create icy distance that melts feelings of closeness and connection. Instead, view irritation as an invitation for understanding and compassion.

7.

Daily Hassles

Living with another person and managing schedules and daily stresses can be exhausting and overwhelming. The arduous list of to-dos ranges from cooking and cleaning to paying bills and running errands. All couples will face daily hassles—connected couples find ways to check in regularly with their partner, express gratitude, ask how they can help, and practice patience.

8. Digital Distractions

Married couples today encounter a relatively new 8th challenge—managing digital devices and screen time balance. Social media, working from home, gaming, emailing, texting, television—all of these can consume our time and more importantly, our attention. Perhaps the greatest gift you can give your spouse is not your time, but your full undivided attention. Living in the digital age has plenty of perks, but when it intrudes into couple time it can create “technoference,” and quickly erode connection (McDaniel & Coyne, 2016). It may be wise for couples to consider kicking technology away from two areas of connection—tables and beds.

It is important to point out that these 8 “D’s” of disconnection are relatively common in most relationships. The key is finding balance, managing emotions and differences in healthy ways, responding with patience and kindness, being aware of how you use your time and attention, and intentionally investing in ways to connect and communicate.

References

Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. New York: Little, Brown.

McDaniel, B. T., & Coyne, S. M. (2016). “Technoference”: The interference of technology in couple relationships and implications for women's personal and relational well-being. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 5, 85– 98. doi:10.1037/ppm0000065

Schramm, D. G., Marshall, J. P., Harris, V.W., & Lee, T. R. (2005). After “I do”: The newlywed transition. Marriage & Family Review, 38, 45– 67. https://doi.org/10.1300/J002v38n01_05

5 Things To Do When You Feel Disconnected From Your Spouse

Feeling disconnected from your spouse can be as confusing as it is concerning. You might be wondering if you’re imagining things. (We all do this at times.) Or is this a normal feeling during a hectic season of life? (We all go through those times.) Is it a sign of something deeper and perhaps more troubling? (Maybe. But let’s not rush there.)

The question is: What will you do about this feeling of disconnection?

1. Tell your spouse how you feel.

Sounds obvious, right? We often sit with these feelings for far too long without dealing with them directly. You can be as straightforward as I just wanted to let you know that I feel disconnected from you lately. Can we talk about it?

Your spouse might feel the same way, and you can begin to address it together. Your spouse might explain how they’ve been stressed out lately and offer to plan time together to reconnect.

2. Share your need to feel more connected with your spouse and include the actions and activities that help you feel connected.

We’re all wired differently. We experience connection uniquely. Your spouse might think that if there aren’t any obvious problems, all is well in your marriage. (If we’re keeping things real, this is often the default setting for many people.)

3. Make sure you’re taking care of yourself.

This is not a roundabout way to say this is all in your head. This is human nature. If you’re mentally burned out, emotionally spent, and/or physically exhausted– disconnected from your best self –you’ll feel disconnected from those around you.

You might need some alone time. Engage in some things that recharge and reenergize you. Don’t feel an ounce of guilt for taking care of yourself. This equips you to connect with others in meaningful ways.

4. Take a look at your circumstances.

Have there been some significant changes? Have you or your spouse’s schedules become crazy? (Has your child’s schedule become crazy?) Have your usual routines been disrupted? New career demands? Travel? Are in-laws stopping by more often? Any of these things can easily disrupt the typical ways you connect with your spouse.

If you can’t change your circumstances, you can intentionally carve out time to connect with your spouse. You might have to try some new approaches. Get creative. Be sure you’re getting the most out of your time together. (Don’t just sit on the couch and watch a movie. Snuggle it up on the couch and watch a movie.)

5. Don’t be afraid to get help.

By disconnected, do you mean things like:

Uninterested in spending time with your spouse?
Uninterested in resolving conflict?
Uninterested in connecting emotionally?
Uninterested in physical touch or sex?

These can be signs of deeper relationship issues that a date night isn’t going to fix. If you feel like your spouse is more of a roommate and less of a soulmate, it’s time to seek some counseling. Whatever you have to do to connect with your spouse is worth it.

BONUS: Focus on giving love, not receiving it. Watch what happens.

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

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Did this blog give you the information you were looking for and give you tools to help improve your relationships?

6 signs that you are in a toxic relationship with yourself - She - tsn.ua

Very often, difficulties in relationships with others indicate problems in relationships with yourself. This is where deep introspection is essential.

Toxic self-talk where you blame yourself is something that many people struggle with. It's very hard to silence your inner critic, says Dr. Lalita Suglani, who has shared signs of a toxic relationship with herself on her Instagram. She recommends paying attention to such signals, because it will begin to seem so normal to you that you will not even be aware that you are doing it. nine0005

You often criticize what you do

If you find yourself saying something to yourself that you would not say to a friend or even a stranger, this may be the first sign of an unhealthy relationship with your own self.

You ignore your own boundaries

A person who does not know how to set boundaries often feels exhausted, used, taken for granted. But, if we do not respect our own limitations, how can we expect the same from others? nine0005

Allow yourself to say "no" or ask yourself how you really feel when necessary.

You struggle with taking care of yourself and not putting your needs first

Let's be realistic: taking care of yourself is never as easy as it seems on Instagram. Baths, face masks, and candles play their part, but rarely have a lasting effect.

Instead of impulsively trying to recover yourself by taking time to rest and relax, make self-care regular. It could be time for self-care, cooking, or regular exercise that will make you feel energized when you're done. Taking a few minutes to focus on what makes you feel calm, focused and ready for what lies ahead is always a good use of personal time. nine0005

You are using unhealthy coping strategies

No one is perfect, and we all have unwanted traits and behaviors that we would rather not display, but this is not always possible. We have an obligation to do what is best for our mind and body, in any way we can. Therefore, if you are concerned about how you react to stress or trauma, it is recommended that you seek professional advice and help from a therapist, counselor, or doctor.

You thrive on drama and chaos

Life at the limit, without a plan, direction or free space can seem exciting and bright, but sometimes you need to make a choice in favor of peace and tranquility.

You don't have to give up your favorite parties or start practicing daily meditation, but you do need to give up everything that drains you. Learn to prioritize the things, people, and situations that give you energy rather than taking it away from you.

You can be very hard on yourself and feel that everything you do is not good enough

There's a reason impostor syndrome has become a buzzword in mental health over the past few years. Many of us suffer from it, and it can easily lead us into a spiral of negative thoughts and self-blame.

If you feel disconnected from yourself or emotionally burnt out, who can blame you - there is so much going on in the world that it is difficult and painful for us to digest it all. Overcoming these feelings begins with recognition and acceptance. Remind yourself, "I'm not perfect. I'm human and I have my own vulnerability." nine0005

How to change how you feel about yourself

If you identify with one or all of the above, don't panic. According to Dr. Suglani, the steps below can help you start improving your relationship with yourself.

don't focus too much on the past, even if repairing the relationship is likely to involve revisiting past events;
look at yourself with compassion. Think: "Would I say this to a friend?"; nine0060
start therapy;
write down your thoughts to become aware of what and how you think;
practice healthy communication with people around you;
take charge;
be patient with yourself;
do not miss the opportunity to change. Healing is a journey.

Read also:

The expert named nine signs of psychological exhaustion
What kills love: 7 major relationship problems
Men without women: why a long separation is dangerous and how to maintain relationships during the war

Understand and forgive? The psychologist gave 6 tips on how to survive betrayal

Lifestyle

Photo: iStockphoto

Are both to blame?

It is believed that both partners are to blame for the betrayal of one of the partners. Like, the other behaved wrong, did not look after himself or made too many claims. So, at least, those who have changed like to say. And then the second half begins to delve into themselves in search of the reason that pushed their loved one to go left, or, worse, to self-flagellate, blaming themselves for worthlessness and a terrible character. nine0005

According to the psychiatrist, psychotherapist Natalia Zaitseva, people often look for the reasons for their partner's betrayals in themselves. And it seems to be in vain. The specialist believes that although disagreements in the family or dissatisfaction with each other can provoke treason, they will never predetermine such behavior. The point is how each person can react differently to the same stimulus - his reaction does not depend on an external cause, but on what is happening in his head. As the therapist explains, the prefrontal cortex greatly influences a person's social behavior. nine0005

Psychotherapist, psychiatrist

Personal website

- It is naive to believe that by changing our behavior, stepping on the throat of our ambitions and desires, suppressing our negativity, we can somehow radically affect the frontal lobes of partners and prevent betrayal from them. sides. Human behavior is a complex construct, and it is influenced by many individual factors: personal characteristics, age, social status, upbringing, and the presence of diseases such as depression, PTSD ( post-traumatic stress disorder ), personality disorder, alcohol or drug abuse,” Natalya Zaitseva wrote in her Telegram channel.

Also, according to the doctor, the circle of friends and society's attitude towards infidelity play an important role. And now it treats them very loyally.

- If you don't cheat, it seems like you're not a man. Heel. Loyalty is still not in trend in the new season, the specialist added.

Different motives

As psychologist Maria Kirichenko said, numerous studies confirm that husbands cheat on their wives more often. Women, as a rule, strive to save the marriage, so they rarely agree to an affair. Although they, of course, also often start relationships on the side. nine0005

According to researchers, the motives for cheating in both sexes are markedly different. While men are often chasing numbers, easily starting a relationship when the opportunity arises, women, on the contrary, are more selective, prefer the best representative and carefully consider possible scenarios for the development of events.

Maria Kirichenko named the main reasons that can push both of them to betray.

EMMA service psychologist, family relations expert

Personal website

Why women cheat

Women are prone to cheating when they don't feel appreciated and loved. This is how they seek intimacy and attention after being neglected by their spouses.

Meanwhile, some studies show that even being in a strong marriage, women can still find themselves in other people's arms. This happens for a number of reasons. For example, 90,003 in recent years, the number of female infidelities has increased significantly, 90,004 which researchers attribute to the excessive employment of women at work and their constant absences on business trips. nine0005

In addition, a woman can “nurture” the idea of infidelity for a long time. And having found a partner that matches his ideal idea, start an affair with him, which often develops into a serious relationship and even remarriage. And this suggests that women use an affair as a way to end their old relationship and find a new, better partner.

The connection that women are looking for on the side may also have evolutionary roots. There is a theory that since ancient times, the representatives of the weaker sex paired up with the main partner in order to have rich offspring. But when the women went out to collect food, they could have a connection on the side. It was done to get some kind of insurance to have someone to help raise the kids and guarantee their survival if their main partner dies. This theory is controversial, but experts say women's motivations for romance are generally not limited to sex.

Why men cheat

Quite often men cheat on their wives because subconsciously want to be caught in a lie and break off unsuccessful relationships . They don't tend to have difficult conversations with their wives and girlfriends about their needs, so they may view deceit as a means to an end. So, instead of a tiresome conversation and an attempt to save a relationship, men choose the easy way - a new romance. nine0005

Cheating does not always happen purely for physiological reasons. If a man feels unnoticed or emotionally disconnected from his partner, the risks that he will go left increase dramatically. Compassion and support from another woman in his life can be very helpful. It often starts with a casual friendship, maybe with a female co-worker that makes him feel better. This forms an emotional connection that a man cherishes.

Often a partner can cheat on his woman only because he does not care about her feelings and generally does not respect her as a person . This speaks of sociopathic inclinations and narcissistic character traits of such a person.

Some men cheat out of anger, jealousy or revenge . Even if a woman did not cheat, but made friends with a male colleague, for her husband this can be a reason for revenge.

Such behavior may indicate his possible inadequacy and even mental deviations. nine0005

Depression and anxiety can increase a man's desire to start another relationship . Such disorders greatly affect the emotional state of a person. Wanting to find relief, a man will go through thousands of options in his head, and an affair that means nothing to him will be the first point on the way to solving the problem.

Feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem can also push a man to cheat , especially if he does not receive evidence to the contrary in his own relationship. If, for example, he does not feel attractive enough for his woman, he may seek external validation through others. nine0005

From an evolutionary point of view, men cheat because they consider it necessary to spread their genetic code as much as possible and provide themselves with heirs.

How to survive infidelity: 6 advice from a psychologist

- The news of your partner's infidelity can cause you shock and shock. And wanting to know about the motives for such an act is normal, but the answer to the question will not be simple. As a rule, the main reason is problems in marriage that you either did not notice or turned a blind eye to them. However, it is quite possible that there are no special reasons behind the betrayal - the person was just purposefully looking for a new relationship. Regardless of the reason, you will have to deal with a lot of complex feelings and think about a lot when deciding where to move on, says Maria Kirichenko. nine0005

The psychologist gave some advice on how to survive the betrayal of a loved one and not earn additional health problems.

1. Accept your feelings

Shock, pain, depression and confusion are normal feelings in this situation. It takes time to overcome them. Don't expect the mixture of feelings and distrust to go away even if you try to forgive your partner and repair your marriage. Your union has changed and it is only natural to mourn the relationship you once had. nine0005

2. Don't seek revenge

Betrayal can cause quite reasonable anger. In a state of rage, your first impulse might be to punish your partner by vilifying him in front of your friends (or worse, on social media) or to think of an affair you could have yourself. You can get a temporary sense of satisfaction from such actions, but in the end, anger will not let go, but will become your main ally.

Think before you tell your family about this. Most likely, they will have a strong opinion about what happened. But someone else's marriage is a secret with seven seals, so no one has the right to make a decision for you. nine0005

3. Take care of yourself

You may have some physical reactions due to stress - nausea, trouble sleeping, trembling, difficulty concentrating, lack of appetite, or conversely, overeating. After the initial shock wears off, try to eat healthy, stick to a schedule, sleep at your usual time—in other words, live for your own good.

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