Grieving an affair

Jinashree Rajendrakumar

Jinashree is a Certified Gottman Couple Therapist from India. She is certified in Treating Affairs & Traumas, NLP, Hypnosis, CBT Skills, Mindfulness, TA (Year 1), and Client-Centered Therapy. She is an entrepreneur and pursuing her doctoral research in couple studies at Christ (Deemed to be University), India. She worked as a software engineer and technical lead for 17 years in companies like Cisco Systems and Hewlett Packard. She changed her profession from IT to Counselling Psychology in the last few years and found her calling in couple therapy. ="wpforms-"]

The Grief of the Involved Partner

Revised 1/24/20

You want to return to your marriage, but you also want to know how to get over your affair partner.

The grief of the “unfaithful” Involved Partner is the most delicate issue in couples therapy.

In my previous post, I discussed the problem of rumination and obsession with the Hurt Partner, and how thought-stopping may be an effective way to assert control over intrusive toxic thoughts.

Sometimes an Involved Partner breaks off an affair when they come to realize that the relationship is a dead end.

Some Involved Partners disclose… others are discovered. But they often realize that they don’t want to sacrifice their marriage, and they can’t make promises in the dark anymore.

Intimate and Significant

But affair relationships can be intimate and significant. A sense of profound grief and longing may linger in the mind long after the affair has run its course. They ask how to get over an affair partner and remain contented in their marriage.

Getting over affair partner not only filled with grief but is worsened as it is an often taboo subject in couples therapy, and many “general practitioners” therapists lack the sophistication and training to engage with the Involved Partner’s grief during their individual sessions… (if they even bother to hold individual sessions at all).

Unlike the rumination of the Hurt Partner, Involved Partners who are grieving the loss of their affair partner, cannot discuss their grief with their spouse. They often lock their grief away, and typically regard it as invalid and inappropriate as the affair itself. In a world of the therapy room, where full disclosure is important, not discussion this grief is a double-edged sword.

Getting over Affair Partner: The Unspoken Grief of the Involved Partner

When I am working with a couple in affair recovery, I always assume grief is in the room, but I am willing to be corrected if it’s not.

When I am conducting an intensive couple retreat with a couple working on affair recovery, I always have a chance to speak with the involved partner alone.

“How are you handling your grief about losing this relationship?”

Sometimes the questions startle them.

A Shame-Laden Dark Secret

They seem surprised that I know about their grief. They discuss their grief as a shame-laden dark secret because up to this point, they have been struggling with it alone. Often they are relieved to talk about it… or are grateful for my “permission” to explore it. If they confirm that they are grieving, I normalize their grief. I tell them that it is natural for them to grieve a loss. They want to know how to get over their affair partner.

It doesn’t mean they aren’t determined to rebuild their marriage. They should accept these feelings, and not fight against them.

In other words, affair recovery sometimes presents a therapeutic paradox; I might help a hurt partner to Thought-Stop their toxic rumination, but I might tell the Involved Partner that their grief is not toxic and that they should avoid second-guessing themselves, or their commitment to their affair recovery. The grief they feel doesn’t render them insincere. They should allow the grief to flow so that it may be discharged as soon as possible.

Grief is a very idiosyncratic emotion. It’s a popular notion that there isn’t a “right” way to grieve. Grief is a working process. And this process works if you don’t interfere with it by denying its reality. While there may be no correct path to resolving grief, there are many paths to a problematic and painful, prolonged grieving process.

Many general practitioners see the grief of the Involved Partner as a serious obstacle to affair recovery. Some are even openly hostile to the grief of the Involved Partner.

They are wrong.

Working with the grief of the Involved Partner is a necessary part of affair recovery. This grief, however painful, has a utility. It often provides a roadmap to what was lost or denied in the marriage.

Normalizing the grief of the Involved Partner is not a moral decision… it is a pragmatic one.

The Grief of the Involved Partner and the Struggle for Integrity

Involved Partners are assailed on all fronts. The grief of the Involved Partner is only part of their struggle.

They often see their grief as something to hide, while also feeling resentment and lingering dissatisfaction with the marital status quo, depression over the collapse of their integrity, and an often anxious, angry partner who is also in grief and despair.

The grief of the Involved Partner has many dimensions; grief for their affair partner, grief for their spouse, grief for what may be an emotionally abusive or dead marriage or grief for themselves over their unwise decisions.

That is why generative conversations are so critical to affair recovery.

I have written about these conversations between the partners striving toward affair recovery, but there is also an inner conversation that needs to take place as well.

•   What kind of partner do I want to be?
•   Why did I lie and deceive? Why am I staying?
•   What if repair is too hard?
•   And what does too hard mean to me in the light of my other accomplishments?
•   Am I staying because divorce is too messy?
•   Am I only staying for my kids?
•   What will my kids think if I leave?
•   What will they think if I stay?
•   How can I ask for what I need after what I have done?  
•   Can we recover from this?
•   Is it true that we can get into a better place than before?
•   What can I learn about myself in this recovery process?

Some of these inner questions are more helpful and generative than others. it is not unusual for Involved Partners to do individual therapy as well as couples therapy to sort out how they are going to stay in their marriage after they decide that they want to stay. Affair recovery is often a transformational experience as well as a painful one.

Exploring the Grief of the Involved Partner

I’ve written about the twin tasks of affair recovery.  Blazing a path to forgiveness, transparency, trust, empathy, and redemptive healing is always the best practice.

When we unpack the grief of the Involved Partner we often find that they feel hopelessly lost and depressed.

Even when struggling to reconcile with the Hurt Partner, they may also feel a keen loss of excitement and vitality.

How can they reconnect with their spouse and rebuild trust again?

Some Involved Partners struggle with the question about their relational dissatisfactions before the affair. “After everything, my partner has been through, how can I put these issues on the table now?

They’ve been through an exciting affair and now struggle with a fear of their lingering malaise with their now openly troubled marriages.

Is it Possible to Process This Grief with Your Hurt Partner?

Part of the grieving process for the Involved Partner is confronting their humility, neediness, and broken spirit. The involved Partner appreciates, through their grief, a growing awareness of their own self-focus and misplaced attachment. Perhaps with this deeper understanding, they might learn to tolerate their partner’s relational failures as well.

I suggest to Involved Partners who choose to return to their marriage that they avoid the pitfalls that will complicate their grief and extend their suffering:

• Stuffing down their feelings.
• Grieving without talking to a therapist or confidant.
• Thinking that the passing time without self-examination is enough.
• Regretting the past without curiosity about enduring vulnerabilities.
• Collapsing into toxic shame and not feeling entitled to discuss with their Hurt Partner “what happened to us?” 

Can Getting Over an Affair Partner Lead to Healing?

It’s not unusual for Involved Partners to carry a toxic shame for their infidelity and wonder how their marriage could ever be restored. They question whether they’re doing the right thing for themselves and their spouse by staying.

They must silently deal with their own internal grief for the loss of their affair partner because to openly grieve would either risk derision from others or upset their Hurt Partner who already has been devastated by their actions.

But self-forgiveness is sometimes a part of this process as well. If you have split yourself off, lied, and distorted the truth to cover your tracks, eventually you must look back and learn. If you are authentically striving to rebuild with your spouse, you need to forgive yourself for being a good person who made some bad choices and then tried to make it right again.

Toxic shame, like toxic rumination, means that there is less of you available to your partner in the ever-critical present moment. Learn about your vulnerabilities and promise yourself not to ignore them in the future. And since you care about your partner’s feelings, be tender with your own as well.

Getting Over Your Affair Partner Means Managing Lingering Feelings

My mentor, Michele-Weiner Davis once told me that there are many varied reasons why someone might have an affair.

Sometimes it is purely a case of bad judgment — a person may feel satisfied, even happy, with their marriage, but after a late night at the office struggling to meet a deadline with an attractive co-worker, and after a couple of celebratory glasses of wine can lead to lack of impulse control.

But much more frequently it’s either an active search for an emotional connection or responding to an attractive other who is paying attention to you, flattering you, and attracted to you. And the subsequent feeling of “aliveness” that follows can be as unexpected as it is exhilarating and alarming.

Grief is a Normal Process

This soon becomes an incredibly challenging situation. Don’t expect your feelings to simply die off. Michele advises that feeling positive feelings toward your former affair partner is a quite common reaction, even if it’s been quite some time since the affair ended.

But feeling grief does not mean that you should act on these feelings. Recognize your grief as a normal process that you are moving through.

The research tells us that well over 60% of couples struggling with infidelity never divorce. Recovery from infidelity is possible, even likely in many cases.

But it the quality of the recovery that matters. At Couples Therapy Inc., we feel privileged to work with couples who take their healing seriously. They see the pitfalls of rumination, inconsolability, and shame. They become stronger and more resilient because of their efforts.

Our couples realize they’re not perfect, but they strive to be better, more honest, open, and authentic. And that is what really matters in affair recovery.

           Recover from Your Grief.

Tears burn the dead like sparks

The cult of ancestors in the Karelian traditional culture has developed in such a way that the ritual mourning of the dead has become an important part of the funeral rite - and not only. In the second half of the last century, funeral laments could still be heard, seen, recorded and studied: the folklorist Unelma Konkka dedicated the book “Eternal Sorrow” to this topic, which was recently republished with a foreword by Svetlana Adoneva by Common Place. We bring to your attention a small excerpt. nine0003

Since February 24, 2022, all of us have found ourselves in the face of advancing barbarism, violence and lies. In this situation, it is extremely important to preserve at least the remnants of culture and support the values ​​of humanism, including for the sake of the future of Russia. Therefore, the editors of Gorky will continue to talk about books, reminding our readers that there is room for thought and fiction in the world.

Unelma Konkka. Eternal sorrow. Karelian ritual laments. M.: Common Place, 2022. Contents

Compulsory funeral lamentations

Back in the 19th century, the Karelians strictly observed the entire funeral rite with obligatory lamentation in relation to each deceased associated with the village community. The deceased, whatever he was during his lifetime, became the object of special care for a certain period. In North Karelia, all the obligatory lamentations that accompanied the funeral rite were called "lawful" laments (sakonaitkut). Above the "legitimate" cries, one should not cry and lament, because grief expressed too violently supposedly worries the deceased: tears burn him like sparks. Otherwise, the deceased may appear in a dream and even seem like a day, which is by no means desirable. It is impossible to mourn the dead in the afternoon, so as not to disturb his evening peace. Strongly grieving and crying women, others try to calm and console, since it is believed that excessive manifestations of grief are not for the dead, and he will begin to be grieving. nine0003

Mourning for the dead in the old days was not a private matter only for loved ones who sincerely mourn the loss. If there were no mourners among the female relatives, a stranger would come to lament. It was a debt to be reckoned with.

K. Petrov, who described Karelian funerals and commemorations in the 19th century, noted that if the deceased had no relatives who could mourn him, then they invited a mourner for a certain fee: they will say affectionate words to the “desired deceased”, adding to these words plaintive groans and gasps. These mourners play their part so skillfully that the unwitting will never think whether their tears are fake or sincere.0007 . In this passage, we are primarily interested in the very fact of inviting someone else's weeping woman. As for the author's comment, it raises objections. In recent years, after numerous inquiries by collectors in different regions of Karelia, it was possible to find out that the ideas about the existence of paid mourners in Karelia do not always correspond to the truth * Against the "walking" opinion about hired mourners among the Russian population of Olonets Gubernia. H. S. Shayzhin spoke at one time: “... at a funeral there is no need for a hired interpreter of family grief <. ..> Women of an orphaned family themselves know how to mourn the deceased and their bitter situation, since crying and lamenting for the dead is everywhere considered a duty all adult women and girls; and not to know how to lament “shameful before people and ridiculed from outside”. <...> Outsiders, besides relatives, cry at the graves, especially those who recently had their own dead, but I, a local native, have never heard or read about special mourners for a fee ... ”(Shayzhin N.  S. Olonetsky’s funeral lamentations region // Commemorative book of the Olonets province for 1910 year old Petrozavodsk, 1910). The old women emphatically declare that the mourner at the funeral was never paid - in their opinion, this is unethical. Now, when young women no longer know how to lament, one has to invite a well-known weeping woman in the district, but for her the fulfillment of the last duty to the dead is more a matter of honor (to some extent, and personal prestige) than an object of self-interest. In the early 1970s, I personally had to observe the ceremony of mourning for a stranger by the Padan mourner Anni Toloshinova and repeatedly talked with her about it. Everyone knew her not only in the large village of Padany, but also in the surrounding villages. She herself said that she could not calmly look at the unfortunate women who did not know how to express their grief over the death of a loved one with words of crying. At the sight of grieving relatives, she begins to lament for them - on their behalf. nine0003

Anni Toloshinova, Valentina Martynova, daughter of Avdotya Mikhkaleva, the famous Padan mourner in the past, and other women who can lament, consider it their duty to cry with their voices at funerals and commemorations of their fellow villagers, and they do it on their own motive, without any special invitation from the relatives of the deceased. And their tears are not feigned. We were convinced of this in the summer of 1972 during the expedition, when we had the opportunity to attend the funeral of a respected elderly man. All the way to the cemetery Martynova lamented, wept to the point of exhaustion, her face was swollen with tears. At the grave, she could no longer lament - she was replaced by Toloshinova. Her sincere sobs and heartfelt words of crying, addressed to the teenage son of the deceased, whom she hugged as usual, brought tears to us, who were standing near the mourner with a tape recorder. nine0003

Lamentation for the dead, even if performed by a strange woman, cannot be feigned. The content and emotional images of crying cause sincere empathy both in the mourner herself and in all those present.

In our time, when all "legitimate" lamentations are not fulfilled, relatives still try to arrange so that weeping sounds when approaching the cemetery and at the grave. In North Karelia, this is called nostua kalman kansua - "raise (wake up) the Kalma people (graves, cemeteries)." This lamentation is to inform the previously deceased relatives of the arrival of the new deceased. It was assumed that the dead hear only the voice of the lamenter. When asked why it is necessary to lament, the mourner Maria Stafeeva from the village. Selgi of the Medvezhyegorsk region answered: “We need to convey the message there, call from there to meet those who already have their loved ones in the grave, so they will come to meet, at least me, at least someone else, <...> who has a husband in the grave, who has a mother, sister, <...> they say that there dogs bark, as you go [to the next world], you have to lament so that the dogs don’t bark” .

The performance of funeral laments was obligatory for many peoples. So, for example, A. A. Kotlyarevsky wrote: “Jellying, crying and lamenting for the dead were the direct duty of his relatives and friends: until now, common people among the Slavs especially respect and revere that woman who knows how to lament well for the dead” . V. A. Balov’s “Essays on Poshekhonye” also notes: “To vote for the dead means to give him the last debt, and because whoever dies an orphan, leaving behind neither a mother, nor a wife, nor close relatives, considers to vote over it even an old woman who is completely unfamiliar to the deceased is her duty” .

The words of Karelian Alexandra Kirillova from vil. Chebino of the Medvezhyegorsk region, said in 1974: “Earlier, such a custom was, without lamenting the deceased was not buried, whether small or large, at least two words were wept” . To the question: "And if there were no relatives, who should cry?" - she answered: “It doesn’t matter where he stayed more often, so at least someone sheds a tear, they cried, they regretted it anyway” .

The ritual function of lamentation is evidenced by the indisputable fact that lamentation reaches its climax on the day of the funeral, after which it declines. According to the old Karelian custom, they went to lament only on certain days for six weeks, and at the end of this period, “legitimate” memorial lamentations again sounded at the commemoration. After that, it was considered obligatory to lament on the anniversary of death. nine0003

Worshiping the dead was primarily the responsibility of members of the clan. In many nations, the wife could not openly mourn her husband, since she belonged to a different family. According to custom, the men were to be mourned mainly by their sisters.

Burial in Padany, 1972. Valentina Martynova is crying at the cemetery. Photo by P. Gavrilov

Syntyset - deceased relatives, progenitors

Before proceeding to a direct consideration of laments in connection with the rite, it is necessary to clarify the meaning of the concept of syntyset (syndyzet), which occurs in almost every lament. The root meaning of the word synty (syndy, synd) in all Baltic-Finnish languages ​​is "birth". nine0003

In folk poetry and beliefs, new facets of the meaning of the word synty are revealed. In Karelian and Finnish spells, this word refers to myths about the birth or origin of a phenomenon, object, creature - the object of a spell that harmed a person: “birth of fire”, “birth of iron”, “birth of a snake”, etc.

When the sorcerer ( sorcerer) begins to conjure, he first "wakes up" or raises his "master" (haltia) and synty, which are underground, under water, under a snag. M. Haavio suggests that the concepts of luonto - haltia - synty, which act as synonyms in spells, are the spirit of the ancestor of the clan, whom the sorcerer calls for help when starting the spell. nine0003

In the South Karelian dialects and the Veps language, the word syndy (synd) also has the following meanings: god, Christ, icons, and also the time of winter holidays. This is also a mythological creature that appeared on earth during Christmas time and was listened to in connection with Christmas fortune-telling.

It should be noted that among many peoples, in the rituals of Christmas time, remnants of the cult of the dead are visible. They believed that at this time the dead roam the earth, they were fed, warmed. So, for example, in some areas of Russia, during Christmas time, large bonfires were lit so that the dead could warm themselves. nine0003

The Finnish linguist Yalo Kalima, who studied the etymology of the Karelian word syndy, calls this mysterious creature that appears during Christmas time a host spirit (haltia). Indirect evidence, according to Kalim, can be the fact that among the Russian population of the Petrozavodsk district "tsyunda is an unclean spirit, like a brownie."

Kalima believes that the Karelian syndy - "spirit, master" has its own counterpart in East Slavic mythology - "clan" - the name of the deity of the ancient Slavs. The Russian "clan - parents", in turn, goes back to the cult of deceased relatives. nine0003

In Russian dialects, the word "parents" means not only father and mother, but also grandfathers, great-grandfathers and ancestors. Common memorial days among Russians are called "parental Saturdays".

In the Olonets dialect of the Russian language, the “parental place” is a cemetery. The Tver Karelians borrowed this word from the Russians along with the concept: parents are dead relatives.

In Karelian laments, a derivative form of syndy is used - syndyzet (syntyset) - always in the plural and in the deminative form. The main and initial meaning of syntyset in laments is the dead relatives, inhabitants of the afterlife. Together with the compiler of the collection "Karelian Lamentations" A. S. Stepanova, we agreed to translate the word syntyset into Russian with the word "ancestors", recognizing the conditionality of such a translation. It would probably be more correct to convey this concept with the word "parents" or the expression "deceased relatives", but the first option could introduce confusion, since it has the commonly used meaning "father and mother", and the second option - "deceased relatives" - is too cumbersome. In addition, it would mislead the reader: in Karelian funeral laments, the words "death", "dead", "dead" are taboo and never appear in the texts. nine0003

In addition to the original meaning of “dead relatives”, “ancestors of the clan”, “inhabitants of the afterlife”, the word syntyset in laments, mainly in wedding ones, is used in the meaning of “icons”, “saints”, in front of which the bride bows and asks for a happy shares in marriage. But this meaning is secondary, arising under the influence of the Christian religion. The confusion of the concepts of the Christian religion and pre-Christian beliefs among the Karelians was also reflected in the fact that in lamentations, instead of syntyset, the word spuassuset is often used - "saviors" (plural and deminative form from the Russian word Spas-Christos). These words in laments are identical and designate mainly deceased relatives, inhabitants of the afterlife. nine0003

The fact that the syntyset of Karelian laments is precisely the dead ancestors, and not the Christian God, Savior or icons, was convincingly proved by V. Mansikka in the article "Tuonela in Lamentations". He supports this statement not only by the very content of laments, but also by the fact that the words omakunta, sukukunta, heimokunta, kansakunta (relatives, relatives, tribesmen, own people) are used as synonyms for syntyset in laments. The fact of death in weeping is understood as the will of the syntyset — the ancestors who called the person to them: armahat syndyset alendeltih (“dear ancestors took me down”, i. e. they took me to them). The “ancestors” are approached at the cemetery with a request to meet the deceased: vastaelkaa valkiet syndyiset vahaisien tuohuksuisien kera (“Meet, white ancestors, with wax candles”), etc.

The concept of syntyset is also found in everyday lamentations. Harvest and well-being depend on them. So, for example, a beggar complains about his homelessness: Ei ole epelöllä siemenellä ni mittymiä eläntätilasia, armahat syntyset kuin ei olla annettu asuntotilasia (“The unfortunate seed has no dwelling, just as the dear ancestors did not give a dwelling place”).

About the lean year of 1893, the mourner lamented:

Eik annettu sulat syndyset
suremattomie suurusverosie näminä vuotusina <...>
A kakraset kallehet syndyset kai kavotettih,
ei jiänyt kun unohtunuot olkuot vain.

SKS, Hainari 27, 1910. Suistamo

The cute ancestors did not give
careless well -fed life <. ..>
Dear ancestors ruined,
Only forgotten Solominki remained.

In her wedding cry, the bride calls for death, which is sweeter than marriage:

The word syntyset in lamentation also has a spatial meaning. It means the place where the deceased goes, i.e. the afterlife inhabited by ancestors. Martti Haavio drew attention to this function of the word.

So, for example, they lamented in North Karelia when a funeral procession approached a cemetery:

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