Why do i feel so distant from my boyfriend

How to Tell When Your Relationship Is in Trouble: 7 Signs

Feeling distant from your partner can happen to anyone. Understanding the contributing factors and opening up a conversation can help you feel more connected.

Various factors can cause you to feel further away from your partner; it can also signal that your relationship has moved into a space that’s negatively affecting both of you individually and your relationship.

The distance can make you feel lonely and question the future of your relationship. Whether you’re in a new relationship or have been with someone a long time, there are ways you can approach conversations with your significant other when you aren’t feeling connected.

Lack of trust may lead to feeling distant from your partner, especially if you previously had trust for them and lost confidence in them.

Losing trust could come from not abiding by agreed rules for the relationship, such as infidelity, or it could be that your partner has suddenly been less open than you.

A 2020 study examining the concept of trust through cellphone snooping behavior suggests that lack of trust leads to emotional instability, conflict, and the intent to break up in romantic relationships.

Trusting your partner is essential for a sense of safety in relationships. If you don’t feel like you can regain trust, it may be time to consider moving on from the relationship.

If one person in a romantic relationship has a mental health condition, this could cause distance in the relationship.

In a 2019 study involving 10 individuals who had a partner with a mental health disorder, researchers found four themes when observing how coping with a partner who has a mental health condition affects relationships:

a change in social roles within the relationship
emotional upheaval
interpersonal distance
changed relationship with self

If you or your partner has a mental health disorder, this does not necessarily indicate the end of your relationship. Trying to adopt coping strategies that are positive and supportive may help you feel more connected.

We live in a world where a variety of things can be distractions. For example, going out to dinner but scrolling on your cellphone instead of talking with your partner can be a missed opportunity for connection.

Mindfulness and conscious attention to the here and now can help improve communication in your relationships and your overall well-being.

Long-distance relationships present unique challenges. If you’re in this type of relationship, physical and sexual intimacy may be less common.

Long-distance relationships may also cause relationship uncertainty and feelings of loneliness, according to research from 2017.

It may be challenging to be apart from your partner for long periods without an in-person connection, but that doesn’t automatically mean long-distance relationships are negative situations with negative outcomes.

You may need to find creative and unique ways to connect with your partner. This may look different than couples who live together or are closer to each other.

Having different schedules can be hectic and take a toll on your time together.

For example, if you work nights and your partner works the day shift, it could be difficult to find those right moments for quality time together because of your sleep schedules.

If you have different work schedules, intentionally carving out quality time together can provide moments to connect.

Most people may think of intimacy as sex, but intimacy also involves feelings of openness, connectedness, and vulnerability with your partner. Sex can be part of intimacy but so can being emotionally connected with your partner.

Sharing your feelings and thoughts without judgment is part of intimacy as well. Without some level of intimacy with your partner, you may likely feel distant.

Any violence or abuse in a relationship will likely leave you feeling distant from your partner. Violent and abusive behavior isn’t conducive to a trusting, open, or positive relationship.

If you’re in this type of relationship, you may likely avoid your partner at all costs out of fear and for safety reasons. If you’re in an abusive situation, consider seeking professional help and support.

If you or someone you know are experiencing domestic violence, you can:
Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24 hours a day at 800-799-7233
Contact loveisrespect.org by texting LOVEIS to 22522 or calling 866-331-9474
Visit the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence for a list of resources

If you feel distant from your partner, you may choose to approach them and find a solution. Here are a few suggestions to consider:

Seek couples counseling

Couples counseling can help you learn how to reduce conflict, increase overall relationship satisfaction, and communicate more effectively.

A couples therapist can identify and discuss patterns in your communication styles and help you work to develop new positive and supportive ways of communicating.

Be aware of the four horsemen

Famous couples expert Dr. John Gottman outlined the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. These are signs that your relationship may be headed down a path toward a negative outcome, which can mean it’s time to seek professional help.

The four horsemen of the apocalypse are:

criticism
contempt
defensiveness
stonewalling

Dr. Gottman outlines antidotes that you might consider practicing that can help you in making changes to communication patterns.

These antidotes are:

using a gentle start-up
building a culture of appreciation
taking responsibility
physiological self-soothing

For more about the four horsemen, check out this informative graphic on the horsemen and their antidotes from the Gottman Institute.

Reconnect after speaking

Having difficult conversations may bring up challenging emotions and leave you vulnerable. At times you may need to separate from one another to bring attention to how you feel.

If you can find a way to reconnect with your partner after having a tough conversation, this may help ease some of the situation’s intensity.

How to cope after a breakup

If you ultimately decide to end the relationship, this may leave you feeling overwhelmed and lonely. Learning ways to take care of yourself can be helpful.

To take care of yourself, you might consider some or all of the following actions:

engaging in hobbies or activities you find pleasurable
seeing a therapist
talking with supportive people in your life
making a safety plan if you’re in a dangerous or violent situation
following a routine

Feeling disconnected from your partner may be caused by a variety of factors. You might consider engaging in open and honest conversation about the problems you face in your relationship to help you feel closer to your partner.

If you’re in an unsafe situation, consider making a safety plan and using resources such as the domestic violence hotline or seek help from a mental health professional.

5 Reasons Someone Close May Become Emotionally Distant

Source: Daxiao Productions/Shutterstock

Do you feel emotionally disconnected from your spouse or partner? Are most of your conversations purely transactional—about the kids, your schedules, or the management of the home? Does your partner seem uninterested in spending quality time with you? Is he or she avoiding intimacy?

Emotional distance (or emotional drifting) is a common phenomenon in relationships. It typically develops slowly, making it easy to miss until the gulf becomes significant. There are numerous reasons emotional drifting occurs; some might have to do with your partner and some with you. Here are five common reasons your partner might be emotionally disengaged, and what you can do about them. (To be clear, there can be other causes of emotional distance, but these are the ones I find most common among the couples I treat.)

5 Causes of Emotional Distance in Couples

1. Your partner craves alone time.

Many couples, especially those with young children, get little or no time to themselves. Some people try to get alone time by putting on headphones or tuning out by immersing themselves in television shows, the Internet, or their phones. If you suspect this is the case, ask your partner if they need alone time and discuss ways they can get it. It’s best to make the arrangement reciprocal and arrange to have time to yourself as well.

2. Your partner is stressed, distressed, or depressed.

People often respond to high levels of stress and emotional distress by withdrawing. If there are obvious stressors in your partner’s professional and/or personal life, ask how they are feeling about them and discuss possible options to reduce or manage stress. If you think they might be depressed, gently suggest they consult a mental health professional. (See The Difference Between Sadness and Depression.)

3. Your partner is losing that loving feeling.

Is your partner not investing time and effort in your marriage, home, or family the way they used to? Have they been avoiding intimacy? Have they been non-communicative and emotionally disengaged for a significant period of time? If so, set up a time to talk. Don't do it on the fly, so they can be mentally prepared to discuss the relationship. Ask them how they’re feeling about the relationship and whether there are things they would like to see change in order to feel more connected. Make sure you understand their perspective fully before responding. (This is difficult but important.) If they seem unable or unwilling to discuss ways to reengage, or to even have a conversation, you might want to suggest couples therapy.

Emotional distance can also be a symptom of a relational dynamic:

4. A cycle of pursuing and avoiding.

Your partner feels you’re too needy so they take an emotional step back, which makes you feel worried, rejected, or abandoned, and therefore needier, which makes them take another step back, and so the cycle continues. To assess if this kind of dynamic is the culprit in your relationship, take a (temporary) step back yourself and "need" your partner a bit less for a week. If your partner responds by warming up and becoming more engaged and available, then you now know how to break the cycle.

5. A cycle of criticism and withdrawal.

Feeling emotional distance from your partner can really hurt. You might respond by becoming more critical or resentful than you realize, by consistently signaling to your partner, either verbally or non-verbally, that they’re failing or inadequate. Your partner then withdraws, as they fear any effort to interact or engage will open the door to you voicing more criticism or dissatisfaction. Their withdrawal makes you even more distressed, which makes you even more critical and dissatisfied—which makes them withdraw even further. To break this cycle, make sure your communication with your partner follows the 80-20 rule: At least 80 percent of your communications should be neutral or positive and only 20 percent negative or directional (e. g., “It's your turn to do the dishes”).

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How to behave with a nice guy whose appearance you don't like

We were taught from childhood that only pacifiers are loved for beautiful eyes, and in a serious relationship, a rich inner world is much more important. For kindness, you can fall in love with a forest monster. And in general, this is, of course, correct. But what to do if you don’t like a man outwardly, and you can’t even look at such an internally rich contender for your heart without a shudder? Do you have to overcome yourself so as not to seem frivolous and miss the chance for true love? nine0003

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“I met a person who I really like as a person. We agree in many ways, we are never bored together, he knows how to make me laugh. In general, the man is good, but I don’t like it outwardly, or rather, it doesn’t physically attract me at all. I know it's ugly, but his face disgusts me. nine0002 The physical aspect of a relationship is very important to me, and my first thought was that we could just be friends, since the guy doesn't like me physically. But I am afraid that I will never meet someone with whom I will have such an emotional attraction.

I know there are many fish in the sea, but what if this is the best fish I can ever catch? Maybe I'm superficial?

We didn't have anything with him, we didn't even kiss. He insists that I decide who we are to each other, and I say that we should wait, but I feel that he is about to lose his patience. What should I do if a man does not like the outside? How important is appearance to love? nine0003

Friendship with a guy you don't like physically

Luckily, there's a simple name for someone you like but don't want to kiss: friend. If a man likes you more by communication than outwardly, and his face, as you write, “disgusts” you, this does not prevent you from just being friends.

Don't delay explaining until things get complicated and the guy starts to think you're fooling him. If you really want to be friends with him, it's better to tell him about it now. nine0003

You shouldn't feel guilty about the fact that the guy isn't physically attracted to you, that he wants to cuddle and kiss you, but you don't. Your holy right is to kiss only the one you really want to kiss.

Why don't you like a nice guy on the outside?

"It's not how beautiful a person is, but how attractive he seems to you."

Is appearance important? It is not important how beautiful a person is, but how attractive he seems to you. There is no universal answer to the question of what kind of men women like in appearance, everyone has different tastes. The ideal handsome man from the picture may not hook you, but a person who is far from the canons of beauty charms with his disarming smile, for example. A lot of people opt for those who were not at all considered “their type”. Attraction is a mixture of a million subtle impulses that either turn you on or not, and it is extremely important in a relationship. It is no one's fault if this attraction simply did not arise. Especially if this guy not only does not attract, but also repels you outwardly. It doesn't mean that you are superficial. nine0003

And don't think that this person is your other half, and you will never meet another. It's simple: if a guy is not physically attracted, he cannot be a soul mate (but can be a great friend). Forget about the fish in the sea. Let's imagine that you are sitting in a restaurant and the waiter puts a dish of fish in front of you that you didn't order. You don't want her, you're even disgusted to look at her. But the waiter insists that you eat it anyway. Are you going to eat it, closing your eyes and holding your nose, or tell him to immediately take it back to the kitchen and bring you what you want? nine0003

There are more than 7 billion inhabitants on Earth. Among them, there will surely be someone who can make you laugh and at the same time seem attractive to you. Don't settle for what you don't want, and remember: if you don't like a good guy on the outside, you don't have to kiss him at all.

I feel like nothing...even nothing! Can't handle suicidal thoughts

Requests for helpWrite your story

Hello! I am 21 years old. I feel bad and lonely. Life went wrong when I was 6 years old - my parents divorced. Each of them built a new family, and they left me in the care of my grandmother. One day she fell ill and my father was forced to take me to his family, where I existed as a nanny and housekeeper. At the age of 18, they threw me out like an unnecessary old rag, but I did not despair, I went to live with my beloved guy . .. Now he has stopped loving me and keeps me in his house out of pity. I understand that it can be much worse, but I feel like no one ... even nothing! Can't handle suicidal thoughts

Elizabeth , age: 21/28.06.2013

Responses:

You need to go to work, save money. Workaholism very effectively helps with bad thoughts, verified. And self-esteem will increase! Then, for starters, you can rent a house, and in the longer term, get your own. And all the ways are open, albeit not immediately! And everything will be fine!

Keith, age: 32 / 06/29/2013

I'm sorry, of course, I may be wrong, but there were few people in your life who would tell you that you are not alone. Namely, they would show that you are significant! You are the most precious thing in the world! Yes, now there may not be those people around who would tell you this, support you! But you are really valuable, there is a place where you can not do without, maybe you are not there yet, but be strong, your time will definitely come, and everything will be fine! The main thing is to try and not lose faith in yourself and that you deserve the best in life! You can begin to change yourself, the course of your thoughts, appreciate yourself, because if you don’t do this, how can others see that you are not a dummy, but a value! You need to start giving others love, kindness and care, maybe they will appreciate it and reach out to you! May God keep you! nine0003

Delta, age: 20/29. 06.2013

Lizonka, honey, how much you had to endure ... How bitter it is when parents do not need a child. What about grandma? Is she still alive? Can you move back to grandma's? Go to work and take care of her. Or maybe you already work, you just didn’t tell about it? You are now a grown girl. You will help your grandmother, you will feel needed. Are you getting an education? If not, think about it. Go somewhere on a budget, or take some courses. For a man, by the way, it is important that his woman does something, works. If going to your grandmother is not an option, try to build a relationship with a guy. Maybe he did not stop loving, but simply cooled off? It happens. You are a woman, create comfort in the house, cook, clean, wash, give him kindness and affection. Well, always look good and well-groomed. If this is not an option, there are jobs that provide housing. This is mainly the service sector (sellers, waiters, etc.). You can try to rent a room (if the whole apartment is expensive). Do not despair, Liza, look for options, believe in the best, you are so young, all the best is yet to come. Work, wait and believe! Hugs, and from the bottom of my heart I wish you all the best! nine0003

TanyaT, age: 28 / 30.06.2013

Lizonka, First of all, you need to forgive your parents. They acted so stupidly in their youth, and now they don’t even know how to talk to you, you
I'm sure you don't let them get too close to you. Because of this, maybe it’s the same with your boyfriend. Guys are unlikely to live because of pity, but women - yes,
can go for it. I understand that forgiveness is not so easy, but with God's help it is possible. You ask God to help you forgive with your heart all the people who offended you,
OK? And ask God to teach you how to accept love, since it is also important to be able to accept love. I believe that you will succeed.

Alina, age: 42 / 07/01/2013

Alina is correct. Very wise advice. Parents should try to forgive. If it doesn’t work out on your own, you can do it with the help of a good
a professional psychologist, to get rid of your grievances, subconscious aggression towards your parents, you will feel better after that! Can
find online consultations, but in person is better. It is clear that a psychologist needs money, you can save up over time. And remember, many people had a difficult time
childhood, poor relationship with parents (or none at all). But they all live. For example, I had a bad relationship with my mother all my childhood. She gets me often
beaten and humiliated. And then I wished I didn't have a mother at all. I hope no one beat you up as a child. And you can already enjoy it. Me
my mother tormented me so much that I thought about suicide, envied the children from the orphanage. But I continue to live, and I am glad that I made the choice to live. And you live
no matter what kind of parents you had, no matter what.

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