Why do i feel so anxious about my relationship

Relationship Anxiety: 16 Signs and Tips

Relationship anxiety refers to those feelings of worry, insecurity, and doubt that can pop up in a relationship, even if everything is going relatively well.

You’re in a relationship with a great person who you love. You’ve developed trust, established boundaries, and learned each other’s communication styles.

At the same time, you might find yourself constantly questioning yourself, your partner, and the relationship.

Will things last? How do you know if this person is really the right one for you? What if they’re hiding some dark secret?

What if you’re just incapable of maintaining a healthy, committed relationship?

This constant worrying has a name: relationship anxiety.

Yep. “Relationship anxiety is extremely common,” says Astrid Robertson, a psychotherapist who helps couples with relationship issues.

Some people experience relationship anxiety during the start of a relationship, before they know their partner has an equal interest in them. Or, they might be unsure if they even want a relationship.

But these feelings can also come up in committed, long-term relationships.

Over time, relationship anxiety can lead to:

emotional distress
lack of motivation
fatigue or emotional exhaustion
stomach upset and other physical concerns

Your anxiety may not result from anything in the relationship itself. But it can eventually lead to behaviors that do create issues and distress for you and your partner.

Relationship anxiety can show up in different ways.

Most people feel a little insecure about their relationship at some point, especially in the early stages of dating and forming a commitment. This isn’t unusual, so you generally don’t need to feel concerned about passing doubts or fears, especially if they don’t affect you too much.

But these anxious thoughts sometimes grow and creep into your daily life.

Here’s a look at some potential signs of relationship anxiety:

Wondering if you matter to your partner

“The most common expression of relationship anxiety relates to underlying questions of ‘Do I matter?’ or ‘Are you there for me?'” Robertson explains. “This speaks to a fundamental need to connect, belong, and feel secure in a partnership.”

For example, you might worry that:

your partner wouldn’t miss you much if you weren’t around
they might not offer help or support if anything serious came up
they just want to be with you because of what you can do for them

Doubting your partner’s feelings for you

You’ve exchanged I love you’s (or maybe just I really, really like you’s). They always seem happy to see you and make kind gestures, like bringing you lunch or walking out of their way to see you home.

But you still can’t shake the nagging doubt: “They don’t really love me.”

Maybe they’re slow to respond to physical affection. Or they don’t reply to texts for several hours — even a day. When they suddenly seem a little distant, you wonder if their feelings have changed.

Everyone feels this way from time to time, but these worries can become a fixation if you have relationship anxiety.

Worrying they want to break up

A good relationship can make you feel loved, secure, and happy. It’s perfectly normal to want to hold on to these feelings and hope nothing happens to disrupt the relationship.

But these thoughts can sometimes transform into a persistent fear of your partner leaving you.

This anxiety can become problematic when you adjust your behavior in order to secure their continued affection.

For example, you might:

avoid bringing up issues, such as frequent lateness, that are important to you in a relationship
ignore when your partner does things that bother you, such as wearing shoes inside your house
worry a lot about them getting mad at you, even if they don’t seem angry

Doubting long-term compatibility

Relationship anxiety can make you question whether you and your partner are truly compatible, even when things are going great in the relationship. You might also question whether you’re actually happy or if you just think you are.

In response, you might start focusing your attention on minor differences — they love punk music but you’re more of a folk-rock person — and overemphasize their importance.

Sabotaging the relationship

Sabotaging behaviors can have roots in relationship anxiety.

Signs of sabotage

Examples of things that might sabotage a relationship include:

picking arguments with your partner
pushing them away by insisting nothing’s wrong when you’re in distress
testing relationship boundaries, such as grabbing lunch with an ex without telling your partner

You may not do these things intentionally, but the underlying goal — whether you realize it or not — is usually to determine how much your partner cares.

You might believe, for example, that resisting your efforts to push them away proves they really do love you.

But, Robertson points out, it’s very hard for your partner to pick up on this underlying motive.

Reading into their words and actions

A tendency to overthink your partner’s words and actions can also suggest relationship anxiety.

Maybe they don’t like to hold hands. Or, when you take the plunge and move in together, they insist on keeping all their old furniture.

Sure, these could all be signs of a potential issue. But it’s more likely that they have sweaty hands or just really love that living room set.

Missing out on the good times

Still not sure if you’re dealing with relationship anxiety?

Take a step back and ask yourself: “Am I spending more time worrying about this relationship than enjoying it?”

During rough patches, this might be the case. But if you feel this way more often than not, you’re probably dealing with some relationship anxiety.

Identifying what’s behind your anxiety can take time and dedicated self-exploration, since there isn’t a single clear cause. You might even have a hard time identifying potential causes on your own.

“You may not be aware of a reason for the anxiety,” Robertson says. “But no matter how it presents, the underlying reasons generally reflect a longing for connection. ”

These are some common factors that might play a role:

Previous relationship experiences

Memories of things that happened in the past can continue to affect you, even if you think you’ve mostly gotten over them.

You might be more likely to experience relationship anxiety if a past partner:

cheated on you
dumped you unexpectedly
lied about their feelings for you
misled you about the nature of your relationship

It’s not unusual to have difficulty placing trust in someone again after you’ve been hurt — even if your current partner doesn’t show any signs of manipulation or dishonesty.

Certain triggers, whether you’re aware of them or not, can still remind you of the past and provoke doubt and insecurity.

Low self-esteem

Low self-esteem can sometimes contribute to relationship insecurity and anxiety.

Some older research suggests people with lower self-esteem are more likely to doubt their partner’s feelings when experiencing self-doubt. This can happen as a type of projection.

In other words, feeling disappointed in yourself can make it easier for you to believe that your partner feels the same way about you.

People with higher levels of self-esteem, on the other hand, tended to affirm themselves through their relationship when they experienced self-doubt.

Attachment style

The attachment style you develop in childhood can have a big impact on our relationships as an adult.

If your parent or caregiver responded quickly to your needs and offered love and support, you probably developed a secure attachment style.

If they didn’t meet your needs consistently or let you develop independently, your attachment style might be less secure.

Insecure attachment styles can contribute to relationship anxiety in various ways:

Avoidant attachment could lead to anxiety about the level of commitment you’re making or deepening intimacy.
Anxious attachment, on the other hand, can sometimes result in fears about your partner leaving you unexpectedly.

Keep in mind that having an insecure attachment style doesn’t mean you’re doomed to always experience relationship anxiety.

“Just as you can’t change from one kind of personality to another, you can’t completely change your attachment style,” says Jason Wheeler, PhD. “But you can certainly make enough changes that an insecure attachment style doesn’t hold you back in life.”

A tendency to question

A questioning nature can also factor into relationship anxiety.

You might need to ask yourself about all possible outcomes of a situation before deciding on a path. Or maybe you just have a habit of carefully considering every decision.

If you tend to ask yourself a lot of questions about your choices, even after you’ve made them, you’ll likely spend some time questioning your relationship, too. This isn’t always a problem. In fact, it’s usually healthy to take time to think about choices you make, especially significant ones (like romantic commitment).

It could become an issue, though, if you find yourself stuck in an endless pattern of questioning and self-doubt that doesn’t go anywhere productive.

It might not feel like it in the moment, but relationship anxiety can be overcome, though it does take some time and effort. And doing so usually involves more than simply being told that your relationship is fine.

“I can tell someone their anxiety doesn’t necessarily mean there’s an underlying problem in the relationship, and indeed they may be well loved,” Robertson says. “But until they have felt [a] sense that all is well, that they truly are safe and secure, the anxiety will likely persist.”

She encourages addressing relationship anxiety early, before it becomes a problem.

These tips can help you get the ball rolling:

Maintain your identity

As you and your partner become closer, you might find key parts of your identity, individuality, or even your independence shifting to make room for your partner and the relationship.

This often happens naturally as you and your partner become a couple. And while some changes — such as getting used to sleeping with the window open — may not have a big impact on your sense of self, others might.

Losing your sense of self in the relationship or changing to accommodate what you think your partner wants doesn’t help either of you.

Remember, your partner’s reasons for wanting to date you probably have a whole lot to do with who you are. If you start pushing down parts of yourself in order to hold on to the relationship, you might begin to feel less like yourself. Plus, your partner might feel as if they’ve lost the person they fell in love with.

Try being more mindful

Mindfulness practices involve focusing your awareness on what’s happening in the present moment without judgement. When negative thoughts come up, you acknowledge them and let them move on.

This can be particularly useful when you’re stuck in a negative thought spiral. It can also help you to prioritize your day-to-day experiences with your partner.

After all, maybe the relationship will end in a few months or a few years, but you can still appreciate and enjoy it in the meantime.

Practice good communication

Relationship anxiety often comes from within, so it may have nothing to do with your partner.

But if something specific is fueling your anxiety — whether it’s playing with their phone when you talk or not wanting to visit your family for the holidays — try bringing it up in a respective and non-accusatory way.

Pro tip

Using “I” statements can be a big help during these conversations.

For example, instead of saying “You’re being so distant lately and I can’t take it,” you could rephrase it as, “I feel like there’s been some distance between us, and it makes me feel like you’re withdrawing because your feelings have changed.”

Even if you know your partner truly does love you and that your anxiety is coming from within, it can help to loop your partner in.

You can explain what you’re thinking and how you’re trying to deal with it. Their reassurance may not fully alleviate your anxiety, but it likely won’t hurt.

Plus, opening up and being vulnerable can strengthen the bond you already have.

Avoid acting on your feelings

Feeling anxious about your relationship or your partner can sometimes make you want proof that everything is all right.

It’s natural to want to reassure yourself, but resist the impulse to find this proof in unhelpful or harmful ways.

Pay attention to the difference between your usual behaviors and impulsive actions. Texting regularly might be normal in your relationship, and keeping up a steady conversation can help reinforce your sense of connection. But sending several texts in an hour asking your partner where they are and what they’re doing, when you know they’re hanging out with friends, can lead to conflict.

When you feel these impulses, try to distract yourself with some deep breathing, a walk or jog, or a quick phone call to a close friend.

Talk to a therapist

If you’re having a hard time working through relationship anxiety on your own, talking to a therapist can help you get some clarity. It’s also a great way to learn how to cope with the effects of relationship anxiety.

For relationship anxiety, a therapist who works with couples can be particularly helpful.

They can help you both:

understand your own and each other’s feelings and underlying needs
hear each other’s experiences without judgment or defensiveness
show you care in ways that will soften or calm the anxiety

It doesn’t have to be a long-term thing, either. One 2017 study suggests that even a single session of therapy can help couples dealing with relationship anxiety.

Concerned about the cost? Our guide to affordable therapy can help.

No relationship is certain, and that can be tough to accept.

You may not be able to entirely avoid all relationship anxiety, but there are things you can do to quiet the constant questioning and spend more time actually enjoying what you have with your partner.

Crystal Raypole has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. Her fields of interest include Asian languages and literature, Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health. In particular, she’s committed to helping decrease stigma around mental health issues.

Relationship Anxiety: 16 Signs and Tips

Relationship anxiety refers to those feelings of worry, insecurity, and doubt that can pop up in a relationship, even if everything is going relatively well.

You’re in a relationship with a great person who you love. You’ve developed trust, established boundaries, and learned each other’s communication styles.

At the same time, you might find yourself constantly questioning yourself, your partner, and the relationship.

Will things last? How do you know if this person is really the right one for you? What if they’re hiding some dark secret?

What if you’re just incapable of maintaining a healthy, committed relationship?

This constant worrying has a name: relationship anxiety.

Yep. “Relationship anxiety is extremely common,” says Astrid Robertson, a psychotherapist who helps couples with relationship issues.

But these feelings can also come up in committed, long-term relationships.

Over time, relationship anxiety can lead to:

emotional distress
lack of motivation
fatigue or emotional exhaustion
stomach upset and other physical concerns

Your anxiety may not result from anything in the relationship itself. But it can eventually lead to behaviors that do create issues and distress for you and your partner.

Relationship anxiety can show up in different ways.

But these anxious thoughts sometimes grow and creep into your daily life.

Here’s a look at some potential signs of relationship anxiety:

Wondering if you matter to your partner

For example, you might worry that:

your partner wouldn’t miss you much if you weren’t around
they might not offer help or support if anything serious came up
they just want to be with you because of what you can do for them

Doubting your partner’s feelings for you

But you still can’t shake the nagging doubt: “They don’t really love me.”

Everyone feels this way from time to time, but these worries can become a fixation if you have relationship anxiety.

Worrying they want to break up

A good relationship can make you feel loved, secure, and happy. It’s perfectly normal to want to hold on to these feelings and hope nothing happens to disrupt the relationship.

But these thoughts can sometimes transform into a persistent fear of your partner leaving you.

This anxiety can become problematic when you adjust your behavior in order to secure their continued affection.

For example, you might:

avoid bringing up issues, such as frequent lateness, that are important to you in a relationship
ignore when your partner does things that bother you, such as wearing shoes inside your house
worry a lot about them getting mad at you, even if they don’t seem angry

Doubting long-term compatibility

In response, you might start focusing your attention on minor differences — they love punk music but you’re more of a folk-rock person — and overemphasize their importance.

Sabotaging the relationship

Sabotaging behaviors can have roots in relationship anxiety.

Signs of sabotage

Examples of things that might sabotage a relationship include:

picking arguments with your partner
pushing them away by insisting nothing’s wrong when you’re in distress
testing relationship boundaries, such as grabbing lunch with an ex without telling your partner

You may not do these things intentionally, but the underlying goal — whether you realize it or not — is usually to determine how much your partner cares.

You might believe, for example, that resisting your efforts to push them away proves they really do love you.

But, Robertson points out, it’s very hard for your partner to pick up on this underlying motive.

Reading into their words and actions

A tendency to overthink your partner’s words and actions can also suggest relationship anxiety.

Maybe they don’t like to hold hands. Or, when you take the plunge and move in together, they insist on keeping all their old furniture.

Sure, these could all be signs of a potential issue. But it’s more likely that they have sweaty hands or just really love that living room set.

Missing out on the good times

Still not sure if you’re dealing with relationship anxiety?

Take a step back and ask yourself: “Am I spending more time worrying about this relationship than enjoying it?”

During rough patches, this might be the case. But if you feel this way more often than not, you’re probably dealing with some relationship anxiety.

“You may not be aware of a reason for the anxiety,” Robertson says. “But no matter how it presents, the underlying reasons generally reflect a longing for connection.”

These are some common factors that might play a role:

Previous relationship experiences

Memories of things that happened in the past can continue to affect you, even if you think you’ve mostly gotten over them.

You might be more likely to experience relationship anxiety if a past partner:

cheated on you
dumped you unexpectedly
lied about their feelings for you
misled you about the nature of your relationship

It’s not unusual to have difficulty placing trust in someone again after you’ve been hurt — even if your current partner doesn’t show any signs of manipulation or dishonesty.

Certain triggers, whether you’re aware of them or not, can still remind you of the past and provoke doubt and insecurity.

Low self-esteem

Low self-esteem can sometimes contribute to relationship insecurity and anxiety.

Some older research suggests people with lower self-esteem are more likely to doubt their partner’s feelings when experiencing self-doubt. This can happen as a type of projection.

In other words, feeling disappointed in yourself can make it easier for you to believe that your partner feels the same way about you.

People with higher levels of self-esteem, on the other hand, tended to affirm themselves through their relationship when they experienced self-doubt.

Attachment style

The attachment style you develop in childhood can have a big impact on our relationships as an adult.

If your parent or caregiver responded quickly to your needs and offered love and support, you probably developed a secure attachment style.

If they didn’t meet your needs consistently or let you develop independently, your attachment style might be less secure.

Insecure attachment styles can contribute to relationship anxiety in various ways:

Avoidant attachment could lead to anxiety about the level of commitment you’re making or deepening intimacy.
Anxious attachment, on the other hand, can sometimes result in fears about your partner leaving you unexpectedly.

Keep in mind that having an insecure attachment style doesn’t mean you’re doomed to always experience relationship anxiety.

A tendency to question

A questioning nature can also factor into relationship anxiety.

You might need to ask yourself about all possible outcomes of a situation before deciding on a path. Or maybe you just have a habit of carefully considering every decision.

It could become an issue, though, if you find yourself stuck in an endless pattern of questioning and self-doubt that doesn’t go anywhere productive.

She encourages addressing relationship anxiety early, before it becomes a problem.

These tips can help you get the ball rolling:

Maintain your identity

As you and your partner become closer, you might find key parts of your identity, individuality, or even your independence shifting to make room for your partner and the relationship.

Losing your sense of self in the relationship or changing to accommodate what you think your partner wants doesn’t help either of you.

Remember, your partner’s reasons for wanting to date you probably have a whole lot to do with who you are. If you start pushing down parts of yourself in order to hold on to the relationship, you might begin to feel less like yourself. Plus, your partner might feel as if they’ve lost the person they fell in love with.

Try being more mindful

Mindfulness practices involve focusing your awareness on what’s happening in the present moment without judgement. When negative thoughts come up, you acknowledge them and let them move on.

This can be particularly useful when you’re stuck in a negative thought spiral. It can also help you to prioritize your day-to-day experiences with your partner.

After all, maybe the relationship will end in a few months or a few years, but you can still appreciate and enjoy it in the meantime.

Practice good communication

Relationship anxiety often comes from within, so it may have nothing to do with your partner.

Pro tip

Using “I” statements can be a big help during these conversations.

Even if you know your partner truly does love you and that your anxiety is coming from within, it can help to loop your partner in.

You can explain what you’re thinking and how you’re trying to deal with it. Their reassurance may not fully alleviate your anxiety, but it likely won’t hurt.

Plus, opening up and being vulnerable can strengthen the bond you already have.

Avoid acting on your feelings

Feeling anxious about your relationship or your partner can sometimes make you want proof that everything is all right.

It’s natural to want to reassure yourself, but resist the impulse to find this proof in unhelpful or harmful ways.

When you feel these impulses, try to distract yourself with some deep breathing, a walk or jog, or a quick phone call to a close friend.

Talk to a therapist

For relationship anxiety, a therapist who works with couples can be particularly helpful.

They can help you both:

understand your own and each other’s feelings and underlying needs
hear each other’s experiences without judgment or defensiveness
show you care in ways that will soften or calm the anxiety

It doesn’t have to be a long-term thing, either. One 2017 study suggests that even a single session of therapy can help couples dealing with relationship anxiety.

Concerned about the cost? Our guide to affordable therapy can help.

No relationship is certain, and that can be tough to accept.

Why we undermine our relationships and how to stop doing it

November 26, 2022 Relationship

Psychologists' advice for those who don't know why personal life always turns into disappointments.

Many perceive love as some kind of external force. She "pierces us like an arrow" or "covers us like an element." It seems that nothing depends on us and we are doomed to repeat the same mistakes again and again. However, such a belief prevents you from seeing your actions from the outside and changing something for the better.

“I took for granted that in the end I would be abandoned, that everything would end in failure,” recalls psychologist Raquel Peele, who, in her own words, engaged in “romantic self-sabotage” for quite some time. Driven by a sense of doom, she ended the relationship as soon as the slightest difficulty arose. Many do the same without realizing the reasons, and there may be several.

Why We Undermine Our Relationships

We Are Afraid of Intimacy

Although intimacy is a human need, some people associate it with negative rather than positive experiences. This naturally causes a desire to protect oneself, that is, to break off relationships or avoid them altogether.

The most common fear of intimacy stems from difficult relationships with parents or caregivers. For example, if they violated the child's personal boundaries, neglected him, shamed him or frightened him. Trust with them was destroyed and there was a belief that loved ones will inevitably hurt or leave when support is most needed.

“Even when we don't remember these early events, the emotional memory persists,” says psychotherapist Mercedes Coffman. “It triggers a heightened pain response in romantic relationships that feels overly harsh to other people, and sometimes to ourselves. This pain drives us to sabotage relationships that could potentially grow into something wonderful.”

Now reading 🔥

3 phrases worth saying instead of "Don't worry"

We are afraid to experience pain

On the one hand, it can be caused by a partner, because we show him our most vulnerable sides. On the other hand, it can hurt us if something happens to him.

Also, when we get close to someone, it "shifts our lithospheric plates." As a result, a dormant volcano of repressed emotions that we have been hiding away for years may awaken.

In order for the eruption not to destroy relationships, we need to look at our old scars and understand how they affect our behavior now. Because the mechanisms that we have developed for protection interfere with building a connection with a new person. They fence us off not only from emotions and pain, but also from intimacy with a partner.

We are afraid of losing ourselves

This fear is often associated with overprotective parents. At the same time, they can be loving and generous, but do not allow the child to make choices and decisions on his own. Constant control on their part deprives the most important for the development of the feeling that the child's own point of view and his needs are valued.

In adulthood, this fear causes intimacy problems. It may seem to a person that relationships and a partner “strangle” him, deprive him of his own identity or the ability to make independent decisions.

Learn more 🤔

What is overprotection and why it is harmful

Our inner critic is too active

He undermines our self-confidence by criticizing appearance, skills, character, desires. Sometimes the inner critic is like a cruel coach: “You are pathetic. Nobody wants to be with you." And sometimes to a comforting parent: “Better stay at home. You are fine on your own." In any case, he does not allow you to get close to a potential partner, reminding you to always be on the alert.

It is important to understand that the critic's voice does not reflect the real state of affairs and even the real attitude towards oneself. It's just a filter through which we look at the world. If you believe him, you will never be able to change the habitual patterns of behavior.

How self-sabotage manifests itself in life

You always keep escape routes in your head

For example, you avoid serious steps - meeting your parents, living together. There is always a thought in my head: “How can I get out of this relationship without any problems if something goes wrong?” Commitments will prevent you from doing this without emotional or financial consequences, so you avoid them.

Take note 👩‍❤️‍👨

Things to talk about before you move in together

You gaslight

This is a form of emotional abuse that denies the other person's experience. The gaslighter does not recognize the partner's feelings as real and valuable. For example, a person says that they are upset because of a canceled date, and you respond: “You are not upset, everything happened because of you, you are just trying to put the blame on me.”

Other common phrases: "You're exaggerating", "You just imagined!", "You got it all wrong!" Naturally, this quickly gets boring.

You are constantly dating someone

And break up because of the slightest problem in order to immediately start a relationship with someone else. Your friends often lament that you still can't settle down. And it seems to you that you cannot find someone with whom you can try to build a serious relationship.

You are very suspicious or very jealous

Worry that your partner is meeting with someone behind your back, demand an account of every step. If he spends time with someone without you, you do not find a place for yourself, constantly write messages, get jealous and ask for confirmation that he is not cheating. As a result, because of such control, all relations with you are terminated.

You criticize all your partner's actions

You find something for criticism in everyone, because you are looking for perfection (which does not exist in reality). Either she cooks the wrong way, or she dresses the wrong way - it’s simply impossible to please you. In the end, the partner gives up and leaves.

You avoid problems

You convince yourself that everything is fine in a relationship, even when it is far from it. If your partner wants to discuss a problem, you avoid the conversation. Say that he is thinking or that everything will resolve itself. This inability to solve problems together causes resentment on the part of the partner and also leads to a break.

You constantly talk self-deprecatingly about yourself

Phrases like “I’m not as smart as you”, “I’m such a gouging, I don’t understand why you still tolerate me”, “You are only with me out of pity” and others like that about low self-esteem.

Most people are not particularly pleased to hear that they love someone worthless. If you continue to put yourself down despite constantly believing that you are worthy of love, your partner may break down and leave.

What to do to stop undermining relationships

Understand what type of attachment you have

According to the theory of attachment, there are four of them: secure, anxious, anxiety-avoidant, avoidant-rejection. Ideally, it would be nice to have a reliable one. People with this type of attachment feel they can trust others and be themselves even in close relationships.

“Childhood attachment patterns are reproduced in every relationship,” says Rhonda Milred, a psychotherapist who specializes in relationship problems. “People who have been abandoned by parents, who have experienced trauma or personal boundaries violated, most often develop insecure types of attachment, which makes it difficult for them to trust a partner.”

For example, the parent was either attentive or cold. The child could not foresee what kind of reaction his actions would cause. Because of this, an anxious type of attachment can develop, which is characterized by the need for frequent encouragement from the partner.

However, the type of attachment is not something fixed. According to Milred, you can develop a more reliable type if you work with your fears and get rid of false beliefs about relationships.

Understand the details 💔

How different types of attachment affect our relationships and what to do about it

Identify your triggers

Intimacy and self-sabotage may not manifest themselves until they are triggered by some kind of trigger - words, actions, or even a certain place. Try to keep notes and record those situations that make you do something harmful to the relationship. Think carefully about the situation:

What exactly happened?
How did you feel at that time?
What were you afraid of?
What was the likelihood that what you feared would actually happen?

Understanding your triggers makes it much easier to deal with reactions to them.

Distinguish between past and present

If a person has experienced some kind of trauma or simply a difficult relationship in the past, he often reacts in new circumstances in the same way as he would have done in old ones. It is very important to remind yourself that you are now in a different situation with another person.

If you notice that your reaction is not commensurate with the trigger event, wait before doing anything. Say to yourself: “That was then, but now everything is different.” This will help you make decisions based on the present, not the past.

Learn to talk about your emotions

One of the hallmarks of relationship sabotage (and fear of intimacy) is the inability to talk about your feelings and difficulties. It seems that if you do not discuss them, you will not experience them. But expressing your emotions, fears, and needs is very important, especially if you want to be understood.

Try it 🙂

How to learn to express emotions when you were told to suppress them as a child

Watch your reactions

Take a good look at yourself and your typical reactions with your partner. Do you show responses to the behavior of a partner that portend a breakup. These are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and silence (psychologist John Gottman called them "the four horsemen of the Apocalypse").

If you have experienced these reactions, answer the following questions.

How often do you show them?
What kind of behavior do you lean towards on the machine?
How do you see yourself and your partner when you do this?

Answers will help you see your behavior from the outside, and you will understand what exactly needs to be changed.

Begin to perceive love as cooperation

Think about it, do you feel that you and your partner are members of the same team? Can you be vulnerable with each other? Do you talk about the goals of your relationship? Naturally, in the beginning, when you just get to know each other, this is inappropriate.

But once you're serious, try seeing the relationship as a work of art that you're creating together in real time. With this attitude, they will no longer seem like something that just happens to you and is bound to end in disappointment.

Many saboteurs say they have experienced the frustrating feeling that they constantly feel like a breakup is just a matter of time. According to Raquel Peel, it feels like "you're looking into a crystal ball and you know exactly what's going to happen next."

Seeing love as a joint work of art will also help to combat this. Thanks to him, you stop thinking about what you will gain or lose in a relationship. And you begin to think about what contribution you can make to the overall process of creativity.

How to stop worrying about relationships and just enjoy them - Site for the soul

When a girl is too worried about relationships with a guy (and this is most often characteristic of girls), it scares the guy away. He likes me? Is all this serious? What if my parents don't like me? Maybe he already fell out of love with me? And so on and so forth. And behind all this, you forget to enjoy your relationship.

It happened to me. Each of our meetings was not a pleasure for me, but an attempt to understand what he was feeling, and thereby calm myself. But in fact, this did not give me confidence and clarity, but made me even more insecure.

In fact, only when you stop worrying, you will become free and completely surrender to relationships - without building tactics of behavior, without games and manipulations. You shouldn't need to control anything. You are just together and it's incredibly cool.

But how to achieve this? How to stop worrying, driving yourself crazy - and most often unreasonably?

1. Understand that this will get you nowhere. Your experiences are fruitless. Rather, the result will be, but most likely deplorable - problems in relationships, a big blow to your self-esteem. When you worry, you unwittingly set yourself up for a certain outcome. You put all your energy into making things right. And if suddenly something goes wrong, it confuses you very much.

2. Understand what relationships are. This is not an appreciation of you, this is not something that brings happiness and enhances self-esteem. It's not that relationships can't do that, it's just that they're not meant to be. This is not some item on the list that you must complete in order to be a full member of society. Not to put the status in the social network. This is not the goal.

Relationship is a shared experience with another person, the experience of giving yourself and being able to receive love. No experience will change whether you are suitable for each other or not. You are either a couple or not. And dating is just the way to find out.

That's why you just start a relationship and show yourself the best, and then one of two things happens: everything works out for you, or it doesn't work out. And if not, then this is normal - it means that you just do not fit together. This does not mean that something is wrong with you, you are just not a couple. Sometimes you get it, sometimes he does. When you understand this truth of relationships, you will stop worrying.

3. Set certain deadlines for yourself. Do not panic and do not worry ahead of time.
For example, you start dating a guy, you are doing great, and then suddenly he does not write or call for a day or two, and you immediately start to panic. What did I do wrong? What did I say wrong? Why do the guys I like always leave me? And that's it, you're sure that he won't come back.

Whereas the guy might just be overwhelmed at work and he just didn't have time for anything. In his mind, he is doing great in his relationship with you, and he is looking forward to finishing his project so that he can see you. But when you finally meet, even though you will feel relieved that he "came back", you will already be different. You may be tense, and if not, then the beautiful dynamic of your relationship has already been disrupted, and this may prevent you from enjoying your dates any longer.

Therefore, just set deadlines for yourself - a frame when you can start to worry. Give yourself a mindset: “I won’t worry about it until such and such a day.” And try to free your mind from obsessive thoughts. This will help you control your thoughts. And usually, any problem that you wanted to worry about right away is solved before your deadline!

4. Be here and now. The main problem is that during your meetings you are not fully present there, you seem to be hovering in the clouds of your thoughts, trying to understand yourself and him. You think about your future, worry about whether he will be with you. Enough! Come back to earth, to him. Be here and now. You should enjoy meeting him, strengthening your relationship. Don't look for signs that he likes you. If he is next to you, then yes, and that's it. The more you think about your relationship instead of doing something for it, the less chance your dreams will come true.

5. Stop wondering what that means. Many women perceive relationships as an indicator of their self-esteem. It's true that our society perceives women this way: Do you have a boyfriend? - Well done, it happened. No boyfriend? - I feel sorry for you. And if the guy leaves, then the woman is not worth it, she is not good enough, etc.

It's hard to change this program in people's minds, but you have to try. Remember that only you determine your self-worth. It is not defined by a man and the presence or absence of a relationship. Believe in yourself and that you can handle whatever comes out of your relationship.

Learn more