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Who do codependents attract


Why Codependents Always Fall For The Wrong Ones

In a healthy relationship, two adults come together to build something better. To explore together. To grow, create a family, and enjoy life. But not when someone in the relationship is codependent.

How do you know if you are codependent and what exactly is codependency?

You can go through a detailed questionnaire published by Mental Health America to identify signs of codependency here. But, here are a few quick questions you can ask yourself:

  • Do I find that I am sacrificing a lot in my relationships, but feel I am getting little in return?

  • Do I go out of my way to change my schedule and day for my partner and for others?

  • Do I feel that if my partner isn’t happy that I can’t be happy? Do I get nervous if people are upset with me?

  • Do I try to “save” my partner, from lots of their mental issues and troubles?

If you answered yes to these questions and those in the questionnaire, you might be a codependent in a relationship. But don’t worry: you can change and in this article, you’ll learn why you might be picking the wrong partners for you, and whom you should go for instead. Codependents always end up miserable or in bad relationships, picking the wrong partners because…

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1. They try to re-create familiar dysfunctional family patterns throughout their entire lives, creating miserable relationships.

Codependency starts when you are a child. Some family member who had mental, physical, or addiction issues was covered up. Everyone rallied behind to support this family member. While this can sometimes be good for something like a chronic pain injury, it can also be done for negative issues like alcoholism, to cover up possible embarrassment from the outside world. This hiding only fuels the person further to do their negative behavior if no intervention happens – the family is enabling them to keep on their destructive path while believing they might be “helping or saving them from themselves”.

Codependents, seeing this, learned that this pattern should be replicated in their own intimate and close relationships, and that hiding something is okay.

2. They want to play the savior, it makes them feel good.

Codependents seek out partners whom they can save and get drowned in taking care of their partners while never being taken care of themselves. Like a pair of dysfunctional puzzle pieces perfectly fitting together floating across a sea of misery, codependents attract those who desire caregivers and enablers ( vampires). Through childhood, codependents believe that intimacy is formed by taking care of “damaged” people and accepting them. So, if they meet a partner who is reasonably emotionally healthy, they won’t feel the same pull, because they are used to the drama brought on by vampires (how bad is that?).

Without the drama, they don’t feel alive or the attraction hormones they’re used to.

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For example, a woman might be attracted to the drug user and think she can save or change him when he comes crying to her, and she says “It’s okay”. But then, he does it again. The woman then complains about always attracting the wrong guys, but will continue the cycle forever unless she realizes the one commonality in all of her relationships that needs to be fixed: Her.

3. They believe that withholding their own needs and emotions will bring them love and affection.

As they were never the center of care or attention, and someone else’s needs were always more important, codependents usually squash down their own needs for love, affection, support, and intimacy to help the vampire out. They believe that as long as the vampire is happy, then they and the relationship are good. Even though deep down they feel a sense of imbalance, like the relationship is hardly 50-50 at all, they saw growing up that giving the vampire all of their care and support was necessary.

In time though, the codependent feels unheard, ashamed, stressed, and alone in the relationship and. They feel fatigued and taxed, instead of energized by spending time with their partner. They never learned how to communicate what they wanted and how they felt in a relationship, and so, they decide to never express their deepest, or even surface level desires of getting a back rub.

Two people aren’t creating something bigger together here. The codependent is only making the vampire worse.

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4. They define and establish their own sense of self-worth from compliments.

Because codependents saw growing up that a vampire was the center of care, they strongly associated their self-worth with how they took care of that person. They connect a vampire telling them that they are doing a good job taking care, or others appreciating them, as being good. Their own opinion of themselves matters far less.

So instead of being able to define their own sense of self-worth from what they do and how they act, they must draw it from what they do for others. This is not necessarily a bad thing in terms of giving service, but the codependent will believe much more strongly in others’ opinions of themselves rather than what they believe. They are strongly affected by criticism, and they are sensitive and even needy when it comes to receiving compliments and re-enforcement. This can actually drive healthy people away, who don’t understand why the codependent seeks so much approval or requires so much attention.

5. They believe they need a relationship to feel useful and good.

Codependents draw a great deal of self-esteem and self-respect from taking care of vampires. In this sense if they don’t have a vampire relationship, they don’t feel good. They have problems being single, alone, and happy, and as such, would rather take a crappier relationship or stay in one rather than feeling useless, or abandoned and left alone.

While codependents don’t have the easiest time in life, they can begin to change their beliefs and heal to find healthier partners. You attract what you put out and what you are looking for, and if you are always looking to re-create the dysfunctional relationships of the past that’s all you’re going to find.

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Going to therapy and fining resources on healthy relationships can help codependents heal, so that they can approach dating and relationships from a much more healthy and guided view. They will learn that two people can take care of themselves, but also for each other.

Featured photo credit: Nattu via flickr.com

Why You're Attracted to Codependent Relationships | Phoenix Men's Counseling

Many people say they want a healthy relationship, yet find themselves time and again falling into unhealthy relationship habits. Codependency is a common problem many individuals face. Codependency is when a person belongs to a one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for all of their emotional and self-esteem needs. This issue is also known as “love addiction” or “relationship addiction” because breaking out of this type of negative relationship cycle can be difficult.

Signs you’re in a codependent relationship

There are a variety of behaviors and warning signs of a codependent relationship. Below are a few common signs of codependency to be aware of when you’re in a relationship.

  • People-pleasing
    People-pleasing is a common characteristic of a codependent personality. Saying “no” to a partner causes people with codependency to feel anxious. This anxiety can cause a person in a relationship to continually sacrifice their wants and needs in favor of their partner’s desires because they don’t feel like they can say “no.”

  • Lack of boundaries
    Healthy limitations on time, energy, and emotions can help you maintain good relationships and fortify your personal wellbeing. Codependent people tend to have blurry or fragile boundaries in place. Codependency can make a person give, and give, and give, but they never get anything back.

  • Low self-esteem
    Codependent people often have low self-esteem. They turn to their partner for encouragement and support all of the time because they don’t trust their own judgment. In some sense, these people also gain self-esteem from taking care of the person who is sucking up all of their energy. This is because they feel useful when taking care of another person. 

Reasons you’re attracted to a codependent relationship

Codependent relationships are often caused by dysfunctional family dynamics. People who grow up in a home where a parent is emotionally unavailable find themselves in codependent relationships when they’re older. Codependent behavior is often learned or imitated from watching other family members at a young age. For example, suppose your mother/father was unreliable growing up because of addiction or another issue. In that case, you may have taken on the caregiver role by putting your parent’s needs first. As an adult, this same dynamic plays out in your romantic relationships. By repeatedly placing the needs and desires of others before your own, it’s easy to lose contact with your real needs and even your sense of self. 

What a healthy relationship looks like

Codependency can keep you from developing a healthy, stable relationship. If previous experience is all you have to go on, however, you might not know what a healthy relationship looks like. A few characteristics of a good relationship include trust, communication, and an independent sense of self. 

Trust is a strong sign of a healthy relationship. You and your partner should trust each other to be honest and open. Secrets do nothing but damage a partnership and create suspicion. It’s about more than just not keeping secrets, though. It’s knowing your partner makes you feel safe, and you can trust they won’t hurt you emotionally or physically.  

Communication is another aspect of a good relationship. You should be able to openly discuss concerns and problems with your partner in addition to positive news. It’s not healthy to hide all of your stress and frustrations from your significant other. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing this side of yourself, then it’s usually a sign of a deeper problem.

Finally, you should have a sense of yourself as a separate person. Interdependence is the term you want to shoot for when describing your relationship. An interdependent relationship is when you and your partner give each other mutual support but still maintain your identity as an individual. In this way, your self-esteem will not rely as heavily on the approval of your partner.

Seeking help for codependency

Treating codependent behavior is certainly possible, it just takes a little work. Overcoming this condition usually involves exploring childhood experiences and rooting out the core patterns associated with the behavior. Therapy is recommended when handling codependency issues because the behavior and personality traits have been ingrained since childhood, and it can be difficult to change the negative behaviors you’ve learned over the years by yourself. If you’re interested in learning more about codependency and how to start a healthy relationship, then check out my counseling page for more information. 

Nice Guy CounselingJason Fierstein

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4 signs of a codependent relationship and 3 ways to change everything

The term "codependent relationship" like the concept of "inner child" or the expression "take care of yourself" smacks of mainstream psychology. Moreover, this phrase is often used to justify many unhealthy actions.

But what does co-dependency actually mean? And how do you know if you are in them? Ellen Hendriksen, a PhD in psychology, provides answers to these questions, and also shows how such a situation can be corrected.

Why does codependency occur?

It is worth looking for the answer in history. Since its inception in the late 1970s and early 1980s, the term "codependent" has been at the peak of its popularity. Lacking the status of an actual diagnosis, the term "codependent" was first used to describe how family members of individuals suffering from substance abuse can actually interfere with recovery through their overprotectiveness.

As the term spread, so too did the level of understanding of the importance of the context of people's struggles with addiction. Prior to this, treatment tended to focus solely on the dependent individual. At the same time, the support system surrounding it was not taken into account.

Since then, the term "codependency" has undergone a number of transformations in interpretation, which has led to the fact that it began to be used to refer to any untenable, overly dependent or dysfunctional relationship.

So what does this term really mean? In order to define a "codependent relationship", we will focus on the element of overprotection. We will look at four signs that you are part of a codependency, as well as three ways to unleash this problem.

Feature 1: Rescue of "injured chicks"

People who are in co-dependent relationships tend to genuinely care and empathize. But we know where the road is paved with good intentions.

Of course, not all support is pathologized - quite the contrary. A 2013 review of 40 studies found that volunteering not only increases well-being and life satisfaction, but also reduces depression and early death. Who would refuse such a thing?

Not to mention the fact that people crave close connection with others, given how difficult it is to understand what is going on in the soul of a loved one.

The transformation of care into overprotection depends on both parties. If you are overcome by the need to save another, or if you feel guilty about allowing your partner to overcome their difficulties on their own, this creates a vicious cycle in which help becomes more than "just help".

If you are in the position of helping/helping in codependency, then you feel a vital need to save others. You may be attracted to vulnerable, immature people who are in constant crisis and not yet ready to take charge of their own lives. This happens because the choice of just such people ensures avoidance of intersection with the same "rescuers" and "rescuers".

Feature 2: Problems out of your league

Through no fault of your own, the problems of the people you attract are much bigger and more serious than your ability to solve them. It's not that you don't give enough; it is that the layering of internal problems cannot be resolved from the outside by one person.

Not to mention the cost to you personally of such relationships: they are much more than "just an inconvenience", they become a sucking funnel of time, money and energy.

Sign 3: Self-sacrifice as part of the Self

As a rescuer/rescuers, you also gain the identity, feelings, goals, and self-esteem of your martyr.

It can also serve as a distraction from your own problems.

That's why it's so hard to end a codependent relationship - overprotection is vital to the rescuer, so people find no reason to end it. At its worst, the threat of leaving in codependency can serve as a form of manipulation.

Symptom 4: Nothing really changes

This is where the problem lies. Of course, it's natural to want to support a partner/partner or family member in difficult situations.

What makes such a relationship interdependent is the support of destructive behavior in which the person does not really solve their problems.

So, codependency can manifest itself through a range of passive feelings for another person, in which there is no place for objections to bad deeds. Or it can manifest itself more actively: through covering for a partner / partner, hiding evidence of guilt from others, or even material support for destructive behavior.

In short, this behavioral strategy leaves problem solving deadlocked or encourages bad decisions and choices.

To sum it up, codependency is essentially a symbiotic bargain: you provide "saving" in exchange for feeling wanted and needed.

26 signs of emotional maturity0057 what can you do about it? Of course, you can still help another or others, but do you want to offer a real helping hand, and not be an inexhaustible source of resources?

Here are three things to try:

Allow yourself to be helped by 50%, 75% or 90%, not 110%

Of course you can be helpful, but allow yourself not to be the only one who can help around the clock.

Put into perspective less intense involvement in relationships, or in your work, or volunteering. Remind yourself that you can be useful and appreciated without constantly "putting out other people's fires" and without codependency.

Simply put, look for relationships that develop and attract without draining you or using you as a rescuer. This is the balance to strive for.

Draw a line between rational and unreasonable help

Have you heard about the codependent person who failed geography? He simply could not distinguish any boundaries!

Indeed, in codependency, it is important that support promotes the development of skills that will help you take care of yourself later on. Therefore, it is important to draw a clear line between helping a person and solving problems for him.

This process is known as "building personal boundaries." You might be willing to let a friend sleep over on your couch, but you want them to at least start paying for groceries. You may be ready to drive your friend to work every day if you are on the way, but you are no longer ready to wait for her every time, while being late for your work.

Similarly, you can set a limit on the number of times you get someone out of a problem situation, or raise the emergency threshold for which you're willing to drop everything and rush to the rescue.

Of course, you should not be cruel and doom a person to their fate by denying her or him any support. But make it clear that you are no longer their human shield against your own decisions and choices.

When the boundaries are set, it is worth following them from now on. At first it will seem that this is wrong, because it is very difficult to say goodbye to the behavioral pattern of the rescuer. Reminding yourself of what long-term benefits should follow short-term efforts can help.

Remember, if you set boundaries and get punished, humiliated, or harmed for doing so, you are moving away from codependency and abuse.

Take care of yourself "in a special way"

Regardless of who you are in codependency, you are a priori taking care of yourself.

This idea may not seem new, however, its essence is still different from the standard rule "If you can't take care of yourself, then you can't take care of someone else." In fact, we are trying to get away from overprotection through this statement.

Instead of taking care of yourself in order to show by your own example that you know how to take care of yourself, you should start to really believe in yourself. Also, ways to take care of yourself show others how they could support you if you need it.

So, co-dependent relationships are a real and complex problem. However, by having the courage to refuse them, you can be sure that you won't end up as another explosion during the plot's climax.

LISTEN TO A PSYCHOTHERAPIST'S LECTURE ON EMOTIONAL BURNOUT

Co-dependent relationships: what are they, signs and how to get out of them

How to distinguish just an unhappy union from co-dependent relationships? And can codependent relationships be happy? We deal with a psychologist.

The author of the article is Svetlana Makhova, family psychotherapist, specialist in the service for the selection of psychologists Alter

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What is a co-dependent relationship

A co-dependent relationship is a destructive form of relationship in which a person is fully involved and completely absorbed in the life of another person, most often addicted to: alcohol, drugs, food, games, work, gambling and computer games, dangerous species sports, shopping and the like.

Participants in co-dependent relationships believe that the actions and behavior of other people completely affect their life and condition, so they are completely absorbed in controlling their own and others' actions, and thus regulate their own condition.

The term "codependency" means "joint dependency". It first appeared in medicine and psychology in the late 1970s, when scientists began to investigate the causes of relapse in people with chemical addiction. Alcoholics and drug addicts, returning after therapy and rehabilitation to their families, again began to drink or use drugs. The study of the relationship between the addict and close relatives helped to reveal the phenomenon of codependence as a stable system of attitudes, stimuli and reactions that support the use of drugs and alcohol.

Signs of a co-dependent relationship

A partner can be a husband/wife, parent/child, boss/subordinate/employee—any person with whom you are in some sort of relationship.

  • you think it's your partner's fault that things aren't going well in your life because...
  • if your partner is in a bad mood or something is not going well with him, or you think that something is wrong with him - you do not find a place for yourself, you cannot do anything, therefore ...
  • you must do something to make him feel good or everything will work out for him;
  • you do not openly discuss the problems with your partner - you discuss his behavior with other people, trying to understand its causes in order to find a way to fix the problem, because . ..
  • you are afraid to upset, offend, anger your partner;
  • a partner can directly or indirectly blame you for something going wrong with him, and you easily agree with this;
  • you think that help, support, attention, love must be earned by good behavior, and...
  • if you do not receive due attention and help from your partner, then you think that you are not good enough and you need to become better.

A person with co-dependent behavior can be recognized by conversations: his involvement in the lives of other people is manifested in an endless discussion of others - spouse, colleagues, friends, neighbors. Communication with such people is reminiscent of a joke about lumberjacks: “What are lumberjacks talking about? In the forest - about women, with women - about the forest. At home, they discuss their boss or employees with relatives, at work - relatives, complaining about their behavior. In contact with such a person, the interlocutor has a feeling of some confusion: it is not clear what he wants, what he feels like in this situation or next to you. You want to save such a person right away: give him advice, offer help.

A still from Gossip Girl TV series

© kinopoisk

How co-dependent relationships develop

Certain upbringing conditions influence the formation of a tendency to co-dependent relationships, where parents or close relatives had an addiction, a mental disorder, demonstrated violence or used it as an educational measure in relation to the child. In such families, no one was interested in the feelings, experiences, needs and desires of the child, no one was interested in his opinion. The child rarely heard praise addressed to him. Everything that he did well was perceived as the norm, and for everything that did not work out, he was scolded, punished, criticized.

Silence and detachment as a way of punishment made the child suffer in uncertainty: he could not understand what his fault was and how to return the favor of his parents. As a result, the child learned that he was responsible for the condition and well-being of loved ones, and in order to please them, he must have the ability to guess how to do it.

There is no direct dialogue in such families. There, no one talks about himself, his experiences, desires, does not express requests. All communication is built on duty, avoidance of problems.

This is how a person learned from childhood that:

  • he is the cause of everything that happens to close people;
  • he is to blame for everything, he himself must understand the reason and find a way to fix everything;
  • you can’t ask anyone - this is a sign of weakness, you have to guess;
  • everything that happens to him can negatively affect others, be ridiculed and devalued, so it is not safe to talk about yourself;
  • one cannot want anything for oneself - this is a manifestation of egoism;
  • first of all it is important to take care of others;
  • others know better what is good for him, so the opinion of others is a priority.

A person's strong conviction that he must above all take care of others excludes even the thought of taking responsibility for his own life into his own hands and doing something for himself. Self-care is manifested in the expectation that others will take care of him if he "deserves" it. And instead of solving his own problems, he is violently involved in others, with a timid expectation that he will be noticed, appreciated, paid attention to him and offered help. It turns out, like Bulgakov in The Master and Margarita: “Never ask for anything! Never and nothing, and especially for those who are stronger than you. They themselves will offer and give everything themselves!

Shot from the film "500 Days of Summer"

© kinopoisk

In such relationships, the boundaries between the participants are blurred. A person does not distinguish where he is and where the other is. One perceives any refusal not as the will of the other ("Sorry, what you offer does not suit me"), but as the fact that he did not try hard enough or not good enough - "did not deserve it." And if he tries, changes, becomes better, the other will definitely notice / love / appreciate / give him what he wants. Therefore, it is difficult for him to leave the relationship. He does not have the feeling that he is bad in a relationship, because the other does not meet halfway: there is fear, shame and guilt that he is doing something wrong. To be loved, you have to earn love. And he will stubbornly deserve it, regardless of the desires and will of others.

Our brains are lazy. People are more likely to build close relationships with their own kind, with those who will match their behavioral model. Co-dependent people don't see themselves very well in relationships where they don't have to take care of anyone: "Why would someone else need me if they can manage without me?"

As practice shows, almost all participants in co-dependent relationships have some kind of addiction (sometimes more than one). So, for example, in a family, the father drinks, the wife disappears at work, and the son chooses a way to get away from problems in computer games. The husband drinks, the wife has a food addiction. The girl talks about her relationship with a guy with whom they cannot leave - in the process it turns out that he once used drugs, and she was treated for anorexia.

Codependency and Karpman's triangle

Interaction between people in codependent relationships is illustrated by a psychological model called Karpman's triangle (it is also called the "triangle of fate"). This scheme was first described by American psychologist, MD Stephen Karpman in 1968. According to Karpman, there are three typical roles that participants in co-dependent relationships take in relation to each other: victim, persecutor, rescuer.

Shot from the series "Sharp Objects"

© kinopoisk

Playing one of these roles, each participant fulfills their unspoken, often unconscious needs and desires in the way that is most familiar to them - this is the hidden purpose and motive of being in such a relationship. However, in the long run, none of the "players" this situation will bring relief.

A gamer son will always be dissatisfied with his mother, who does not allow him to live in peace. A workaholic mother will always reproach her alcoholic husband and gamer son, who "sit on her neck" and "did nothing useful in life." An alcoholic father will complain about his wife who constantly saws him and his son. In this example, all members of the family, to one degree or another, move from one role to another: rescuer - persecutor - victim. By helping her son and husband, the wife actually does them a disservice by not letting them face the consequences of their behavior, and by criticizing them creates tension, which each of them relieves in a chosen way - through alcohol or games.

A person who plays the role of a persecutor or a rescuer does not realize that by doing so he only maintains the addiction.

Another example. A girl enters into a relationship with a married man who complains to her that his wife has ruined his whole life, and therefore he is very unhappy. She sees in him a suitable object for the realization of the role of a rescuer: "I will be better than his wife, I will definitely make him happy." The man is the victim, his wife is the persecutor, and the girl considers herself the rescuer. The man, however, is in no hurry to leave his wife, and the girl eventually tries on the role of the victim, reproaching him for spending years on him, saving his ruined life. Their relationship can last long enough, the man will not divorce, but he will not break off relations with the girl either. He will be tormented by a sense of duty to his wife and a sense of guilt towards the girl. The wife will try to get her husband back, the girl will try to keep the man; they will all stay in the relationship without trying to change anything.

Why do all the participants in the triangle, remaining dissatisfied with the situation, nevertheless do not come out of it? Initially, they all have self-doubt, low self-esteem, fear of loneliness, and need the approval of others. Through supposedly caring for a more “vulnerable”, “independent” person, they try to compensate for their own shortcomings.

Psychologist and co-author of transactional analysis Claude Steiner put it this way: “The victim is not really as helpless as he feels; The Rescuer doesn't really help, and the Persecutor doesn't really have a valid claim."

Consequences of co-dependent relationships

In a family with co-dependent relationships, one cannot want anything “for oneself” — this is perceived as selfishness, as something condemned. Therefore, no one talks about what is important to him, everyone waits for the other to guess. A person prefers to rely on social norms and attitudes, on the opinions of others (“they said on TV”, “the boss thinks”, “the girlfriend knows for sure”), that is, he comes from a certain idea of ​​“how it should be”.

The idea of ​​asking another what he wants is rare. Usually for two reasons. First, a person "must guess for himself. " Secondly, even if you ask, they are unlikely to tell you, because “you can’t want anything for yourself.” Usually they say with shyness: “What you choose, the main thing for me is your concern.” All participants in the relationship play the guessing game and care for others based on the idea of ​​\u200b\u200bhow "it should be." Therefore, if a daughter wants a blue dress, they buy her a pink one: there is no need to disgrace the family - what will people think if they see a girl in blue? And a boy in a pink T-shirt or shirt with flowers is unacceptable. Parents sincerely worry about the reputation - both their own and the child's. But behind this fear of condemnation it is difficult to hear yourself, your desires, the request of a loved one.

Such “concern” goes hand in hand with total control, condemnation of the actions of loved ones, if these actions seem unacceptable. And since a person does not have his own system of values ​​(in such a system everyone says what not to do, but no one says what to do), and he relies on the opinions of others, the rules of what not to do change often. Therefore, all participants in the relationship are in constant tension and anxiety, waiting for where and for what the reproach will fly.

Still from the film "Dirt"

© kinopoisk

What does the child hear? Most of the time, that he does everything wrong. As a rule, parents do not say how good it would be, how to fix the situation - because they themselves are not sure, and often do not know how. As a result, a person grows up who does not have support for any stable values. Such a person comes to a psychologist with the request “What should I do? What will be the correct decision? All his questions will be focused on how to do it right and how to do it. Such a person cannot defend his point of view - there is practically none; cannot make a choice, distinguish what is good for him and what is bad. If you ask him how he feels now, he will be confused, because it is important for him to give the "correct answer". Such people often experience communication anxiety for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. Everything new and unknown in the family is perceived with hostility, as "dangerous". The initiative is not welcome. And when a child grows up, on the one hand, they demand independence from him, on the other hand, they continue to condemn all his attempts to do something, as well as any of his inaction. This leads to apathy and depression: I do it - it's bad, I don't do it - it's also bad.

A teenager who grew up in such a family often cannot choose where to go to study after school and who to be. Most likely, he will go where his parents say or where his classmates went, or he will delay admission without choosing a direction. Quite often teenagers go to computer games. This dependence, like no other, clearly reflects the lack of a stable value system. The game has a virtual opportunity to do something and achieve something. Passing levels, players acquire tools, skills, associates, become masters of their virtual life - here it depends on them and their actions have an obvious result. The rules and laws of the game give a sense of stability and, as a result, confidence. However, real life sags: children are lagging behind in their studies, they have no friends, there is no interest in anything other than games.

People who do not have a solid value base are permanently in a state of helplessness and despair due to their inability to change anything. There are many ways to get away from experiencing your worthlessness, guilt, shame, anxiety: alcohol, drugs, food, work, romance, and so on. Anything that allows you to quickly relieve stress. This is how addiction is formed.

What is drug addiction and how to protect loved ones from it

However, no addiction can make a person happy and his life full. Sooner or later, he begins to face the consequences of addictive behavior: it drags on, social ties collapse, problems grow like a snowball. A person with healthy boundaries, a stable value system, is unlikely to enter into a close relationship with a person who has a tendency to codependence. If you find yourself in such a relationship, it’s worth starting to deal not with your partner, but with yourself - most likely, during psychotherapy it will turn out that there were similar relationships in your parental family.

How to get out of a co-dependent relationship

If you feel that the current relationship is destructive for you, you are not confident in yourself, you don’t know how to live on, you lose meaning - seek help from a psychologist. Getting out of a codependent relationship can be difficult. Getting used to the role of a rescuer, a person feels guilty about leaving the "helpless" partner to the mercy of fate. Or the exit from the relationship is perceived as a defeat: "I failed." Or he is overwhelmed by the fear that he himself will not survive alone, although at the same time he supports himself and his family. Sometimes the partner begins to threaten suicide or violence, and then the person is in an unsafe situation and remains in the relationship out of fear.

As practice shows, it is possible to get out of co-dependent relationships by an effort of will, but this does not guarantee that in the future a person will not fall into them again. It is very difficult to single-handedly see those patterns and motives of behavior that lead to co-dependent relationships, recognize your contribution to what is happening, restore self-regulation skills and master new ways of building relationships. To get out of a co-dependent relationship, you first need to turn to yourself - learn to answer the questions "where am I, what do I feel and feel, what do I want, what are my capabilities and limits."

To develop the ability to understand your current state, you need to include in your value system the habit of answering questions:

  • what is happening to me
  • what is important to me
  • what suits me and what doesn't suit me
  • when it's time to say: "You can't do that with me."

Work with a psychologist can be carried out in one of three directions, and preferably in all at once.

Personal therapy

The main task in overcoming codependent behavior is to work with destructive attitudes, distorted self-perception, fears. A person learns to openly express emotions, take care of himself, thereby reducing the level of anxiety and tension.

Working with a family with a family psychologist

The goal is to recognize the contribution of each family member to the current situation, restore a direct dialogue, form a trusting relationship by expressing feelings and experiences, desires and needs, as opposed to pre-existing destructive relationships based on criticism, obligation , devaluation of desires and feelings of each other.

Group work

There are anonymous groups for codependents. In a group space, a person in a safe environment masters ways of productive interaction, with the help of the leader and group members, he restores a sense of his own importance. Working in a group returns a sense of security, support, and self-confidence increases. An image of a socially adapted, successful person with personal potential is being formed.

It is important to remember that there is a way out of co-dependent relationships, both individually and for the whole family. It consists in getting to know oneself, becoming aware of experiences, learning to present them to others, and building a system of values. Bring more certainty into relationships with yourself and others.

What happens to victims of codependency is not their fault. Their character is the result of education, and their actions are determined by the ways of adapting to adverse conditions that they had to use in childhood. We do not choose which family to be born into. And at the beginning of the journey, we are dependent on our parents - this is a fact. But the good news is that as we grow up, we have the choice to try things differently, to change our lives.

There are enough examples that relationships between partners, children and parents, friends are improving - if the participants are interested in this.

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