When narcissist loses supply
Signs of Narcissistic Collapse: From Pain to Rage
Narcissistic collapse is an intense emotional reaction experienced by a narcissistic person when they sense a setback. It can lead to withdrawal or vindictive behaviors.
The signs of narcissistic collapse may vary from person to person. In general, it may involve intense emotional reactions and a tendency toward vindictive behaviors, but it could also lead to depression and withdrawal.
Narcissistic collapse isn’t a permanent occurrence once it happens. Typically, the emotional pain will decrease and the person may return to feeling their usual.
In popular culture, people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are often portrayed as self-assured, confident individuals who care nothing about others.
In reality, people with NPD are complex emotional beings like everyone else. They live with a mental health condition that has formal symptoms like grandiosity, low empathy, and the constant need for praise and admiration.
Although there’s no consensus about it, some experts have found that this attitude of superiority may help them compensate for fragile self-esteem and a sense of vulnerability.
There’s limited research about it, though, and it’s difficult to determine whether this really applies to everyone with a narcissistic personality.
Narcissistic collapse refers to an emotional reaction that some people with narcissistic personality disorder experience under specific circumstances. It isn’t a condition or a formal symptom of NPD. It may also be more common among people with certain types of narcissism.
What causes a narcissistic collapse?
Mental health experts have observed that, sometimes, when a narcissistic person doesn’t receive the external validation they believe they deserve, it can result in a high level of stress and hurt.
This emotional pain may turn into narcissistic rage. This rage is at the core of a narcissistic collapse.
It’s a good idea to remember, though, that we’re all unique.
In this sense, not everyone who lives with NPD behaves or feels in the same way. At the same time, not everyone with NPD experiences narcissistic collapses, and if they do, they might not act in the same way.
Instead, some assume a narcissistic breakdown is a behavioral and emotional response to frustration and pain when someone feels they’ve had a setback.
Dr. Alexander Lapa, a psychiatrist at Ocean Recovery Centre in Blackpool, United Kingdom, explains that narcissistic collapse happens when a person with NPD can’t maintain their superior or confident image.
When a narcissistic person doesn’t get a constant supply of validation or someone injures their self-esteem, their confident and superior facade can collapse.
A narcissistic collapse may happen because others don’t see the person like they want to be seen, for example. Or perhaps they didn’t get that promotion that they were convinced they deserved. Or their partner has left them.
“A collapse can also be triggered as a self-defense technique if they feel their self-image or self-esteem is being threatened,” explains Lapa.
For example, perhaps they’ve been exposed for doing something unethical or engaging in a narcissistic manipulation game.
According to research, those with covert or vulnerable narcissism may be more likely to lash out when experiencing a collapse.
This means that they may be more likely to act in vindictive ways or express rage than people with overt narcissism.
It may be challenging for some people to empathize with a narcissist if they’ve been on the receiving end of manipulation tactics or dismissive behaviors.
But feeling their superiority or self-image threatened can be a very painful experience for someone with NPD. How they act might be an expression of this intense emotional pain.
Not everyone who receives a diagnosis of narcissistic personality experiences it in the same way or with the same intensity. The same goes for a narcissistic collapse.
How do you know, then, if someone’s having one?
The answer isn’t straightforward.
Some people going through a collapse may withdraw and silently experience intense sadness and frustration. Others may act impulsively and in hurtful ways toward other people.
Lapa explains that a person having a narcissistic collapse may gravitate towards behaviors that may put their or other people’s safety in jeopardy. They may, for example, engage in:
- gambling
- excessive drinking
- substance use
- reckless driving
Other signs of narcissistic collapse may include:
- increased irritability
- increased sensitivity
- verbal expressions of strong emotions like hate
- erratic and non-typical behavior
- self-harm
- manipulation tactics like the silent treatment or ghosting
- anxiety
- intense anger outbursts
One of the formal symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder is a diminished ability to experience empathy. Because of this, a narcissist may not be able to understand that some actions or words will hurt other people.
According to Lapa, experiencing narcissistic collapse may feel similar to experiencing an episode of depression.
The difference is that a person with NPD typically isn’t able to reflect on or recognize their role in the situation. This is a common symptom of a narcissistic personality. They often lack insight and aren’t aware that they live with the disorder.
This can lead a person to “act out,” says Lapa.
According to Lapa, narcissistic rage involves an angry outburst because of the perceived destruction of their self-image.
“It can present on a large spectrum from becoming withdrawn all the way up to extreme violence and verbal abuse,” says Lapa.
More often, narcissistic rage is an intense emotional response accompanied by hurtful comments and actions.
On the outside, it may look like someone’s out of control or they’re out to “get you.” On the inside, they may feel intense pain and vulnerability and a significant need to regain control.
Narcissistic rage and violence aren’t formal symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder, and not everyone with NPD experiences or acts this way. Sometimes, narcissistic rage will lead them to experience intense depression.
A person with NPD who’s challenged in their sense of superiority may experience a narcissistic collapse. This is an emotional reaction of pain and vulnerability that may lead them to withdraw or act vindictively.
There’s still no consensus on the reasons for this reaction. And because many people with NPD aren’t aware of their symptoms, they may not realize they’re acting this way or why.
For the person on the receiving end, someone experiencing a narcissistic collapse may look out of control, extremely angry, and vindictive. In some cases, it may look like someone withdrawing altogether and giving them the silent treatment.
For the person experiencing the collapse, the event may be of extreme emotional pain and panic, and an increased need to regain control.
In every case, NPD isn’t a personal choice. Instead, it’s a mental health condition with complex symptoms that include a low ability to empathize, diminished self-reflection and insight, and the need for praise and admiration.
People living with the condition often aren’t aware of it. This may make it difficult for them to change those attitudes and behaviors.
The Narcissist's Reaction to Deficient Narcissistic Supply
Question:How does the narcissist react when not in receipt of sufficient Narcissistic Supply?
Answer:Very much as a drug addict would react to the absence of his particular drug.
The narcissist constantly consumes (really, preys upon) adoration, admiration, approval, applause, attention and other forms of Narcissistic Supply. When lacking or deficient, a Narcissistic Deficiency Dysphoria sets in. The narcissist then appears to be depressed, his movements slow down, his sleep patterns are disordered (he either sleeps too much or becomes insomniac), his eating patterns change (he gorges on food or is avoids it altogether).
He is be constantly dysphoric (sad) and anhedonic (finds no pleasure in anything, including his former pursuits, hobbies, and interests). He is subjected to violent mood swings (mainly rage attacks) and all his (visible and painful) efforts at self-control fail. He may compulsively and ritually resort to an alternative addiction - alcohol, drugs, reckless driving, shopaholism.
This gradual disintegration is the narcissist's futile effort both to escape his predicament - and to sublimate his aggressive urges. His whole behaviour seems constrained, artificial, and effortful. The narcissist gradually turns more and more mechanical, detached, and "unreal". His thoughts constantly wander or become obsessive and repetitive, his speech may falter, he appears to be far away, in a world of his narcissistic fantasies, where Narcissistic Supply is aplenty.
He withdraws from his painful existence, where others fail to appreciate his greatness, special skills and talents, potential, or achievements.
The narcissist thus ceases to bestow himself upon a cruel universe, punishing it for its shortcomings, its inability to realise how unique he is.
The narcissist goes into a schizoid mode: he isolates himself, a hermit in the kingdom of his hurt. He minimises his social interactions and uses "messengers" to communicate with the outside. Devoid of energy, the narcissist can no longer pretend to succumb to social conventions. His former compliance gives way to open withdrawal (a rebellion of sorts). Smiles are transformed to frowns, courtesy becomes rudeness, emphasised etiquette used as a weapon, an outlet of aggression, an act of violence.
The narcissist, blinded by pain, seeks to restore his balance, to take another sip of the narcissistic nectar. In this quest, the narcissist turns both to and upon those nearest to him. His real attitude emerges: for him, his nearest and dearest are nothing are but tools, one-dimensional instruments of gratification, Sources of Supply or pimps of such supply, catering to his narcissistic lusts.
Having failed to procure for him his "drug' (Narcissistic Supply), the narcissist regards friends, colleagues, and even family members as dysfunctional, frustrating objects. In his wrath, he tries to mend them by forcing them to perform again, to function.
This is coupled with merciless self-flagellation, a deservedly self-inflicted punishment, the narcissist feels. In extreme cases of deprivation, the narcissist entertains suicidal thoughts, this is how deeply he loathes his self and his dependence.
Throughout, the narcissist is beset by a pervading sense of malignant nostalgia, harking back to a past, which never existed except in the thwarted fantastic grandiosity of the narcissist. The longer the lack of Narcissistic Supply, the more the narcissist glorifies, re-writes, misses and mourns this past.
This nostalgia serves to enhance other negative feelings, amounting to clinical depression. The narcissist proceeds to develop paranoia. He concocts a prosecuting world, incorporating in it his his life's events and his social milieu.
This gives meaning to what is erroneously perceived by the narcissist to be a sudden shift (from over-supply to no supply).
These theories of conspiracy account for the decrease in Narcissistic Supply. The narcissist then - frightened, in pain, and in despair - embarks upon an orgy of self-destruction intended to generate "alternative Supply Sources" (attention) at any cost. The narcissist is poised to commit the ultimate narcissistic act: self-destruction in the service of self-aggrandisement.
When deprived of Narcissistic Supply - both primary AND secondary - the narcissist feels annulled, hollowed out, or mentally disembowelled. This is an overpowering sense of evaporation, disintegration into molecules of terrified anguish, helplessly and inexorably.
Without Narcissistic Supply - the narcissist crumbles, like the zombies or the vampires one sees in horror movies. It is terrifying and the narcissist will do anything to avoid it.
Think about the narcissist as a drug addict. His withdrawal symptoms are identical: delusions, physiological effects, irritability, and emotional lability.
In the absence of regular Narcissistic Supply, narcissists often experience brief, decompensatory psychotic episodes. This also happens while in therapy or following a life-crisis accompanied by a major narcissistic injury.
These psychotic episodes may be closely allied to another feature of narcissism: magical thinking. Narcissists are like children in this sense. Many, for instance, fully believe in two things: that whatever happens - they will prevail and that good things will always happen to them. It is more than mere belief, really. Narcissists just KNOW it, the same way one "knows" about gravity - directly, immediately and assuredly.
The narcissist believes that, no matter what he does, he will always be forgiven, always prevail and triumph, always come on top. The narcissist is, therefore, fearless in a manner perceived by others to be both admirable and insane.
He attributes to himself divine and cosmic immunity - he cloaks himself in it, it renders him invisible to his enemies and to the powers of "evil". It is a childish phantasmagoria - but to the narcissist it is very real.
The narcissist knows with religious certainty that good things will always happen to him. With equal certitude, the more self-aware narcissist knows that he will squander this good fortune time and again - a painful experience best avoided. So, no matter what serendipity or fortuity, what lucky circumstance, what blessing the narcissist receives - he always strives with blind fury to deflect them, to deform and to ruin his chances.
next: Narcissists, Sex and Fidelity
APA Reference
Vaknin, S. (2008, November 14). The Narcissist's Reaction to Deficient Narcissistic Supply, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2023, April 14 from https://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/narcissists-reaction-to-deficient-narcissistic-supply
“He won’t let you go easily”: 4 stages of parting with a narcissist
He bombards you with calls and messages
“I loved him and turned a blind eye to many things until I admitted to myself: these relationships are destroying me,” recalls Marina.
“He made me jealous. In professional success, he saw the danger of my financial independence and the fact that I would not reckon with his opinion.
He didn't manage to separate me from my friends, and he just started bombarding me with messages, constantly calling. In the end, he began to appear at the house at the moment when I left for work. I did not understand then that this was only the beginning of the persecution. He did everything so that I had to completely erase him from my life.
When you tell a narcissist that the relationship between you has run its course, he refuses to believe it. It is difficult for him to accept this, because with your departure, his whole world literally collapses.
“A partner for a narcissist is by no means an equal person, relations with whom imply mutual development and inner growth, but a kind of emotional first aid kit designed to feed his ego,” explains psychologist Marina Myaus . He uses the feelings of a loving person to impose on him a weak, submissive position.
When the partner suddenly refuses to exist in the proposed scenario, the narcissist literally loses his psychological crutch. Attempts to return you immediately are manifestations of panic. And if you leave the relationship against his will, he will most likely only begin to increase the intensity of his presence in response.
He is changing for the better
“After our separation, he immediately changed,” says Alina. - Turned into a good friend who does not insist on anything and does not expect anything from me. Unexpectedly invited to a performance that I had long wanted to see, but could not buy tickets. I was touched that he did not forget about it and made my dream come true.
We went out to dinner a couple of times. Once I caught myself on what exactly I want to tell him about the conflict with my parents. He was very tactful, listened and supported, without blaming people close to me. I began to think about the fact that I was wrong and I am leaving a person who loves me and understands like no one else.
Perhaps in our conflicts she herself was largely to blame?
I returned to him, and everything that had caused us to part ways soon returned to our relationship: intolerance, a desire to dominate everything and a complete disregard for my interests. The second chance turned out to be a mistake."
The narcissist often tries to go back to the very beginning of the relationship and tries to repeat the pattern that led him to success. There is an undoubted logic here: if I was able to charm her at the beginning, then now I need to do the same. This is a trap, because by doing so he emotionally refers us to a period of well-being, which gives rise to doubts: maybe I'm wrong? Will I miss you and regret?
“Those who decide to give the narcissist a second chance are often disappointed because their basic needs have not changed,” says the psychologist. - The narcissist does not need an alliance that respects boundaries, because a partner is needed solely to solve the neurotic need to recognize his own super-importance.
In this relationship scenario, it is the narcissist who is given the place of the one who sets the rules of the game, and you are the role of the follower.
He takes people close to you as allies
“When we broke up, he unexpectedly became close to my mother,” admits Katerina. - I began to call her, tell her how hard it is for our breakup. I told my mother that their communication was unpleasant to me, to which she reacted offendedly: “I can’t hang up the phone.”
The news that she was dating him shocked me. Moreover, she began to defend him, recalled how he once helped her, and in the end brought me to tears with the phrase that “I am not a gift either.” And although later we spoke sincerely about everything, at that moment I considered her behavior a betrayal.
Narcissists are masters of twisting such triangles, inclining people close to you to their side. On the one hand, this may increase your doubts: if someone I trust justifies him, maybe I'm wrong about something? It is natural for a mature, reflective person to ask himself such questions.
How does the narcissist feel when the victim stops loving him? - Psychology on vc.ru
The relationship between the narcissist and the victim is a classic Karpman triangle, in other words, a co-dependent union in which both are tied to each other. Only one is due to emotional instability and a critical difference between internal and external self-esteem, and the other is forced, because it is suppressed by a tyrant. Hence the question - what does the narcissist feel when the victim stops loving him?
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The whole palette of feelings can be divided into two stages, each of which is characterized by certain defensive reactions of the psyche. In order to understand the feelings of a narcissist a little better, it is necessary to disassemble both stages and find out the reasons for their occurrence.
Reality Encounter
The narcissist is a typical person with a serious discrepancy in self-esteem. The internal is quite high, sometimes very overpriced.
A person is convinced of his greatness, sincerely believes in superiority over others, or, against the background of hypercompensation, has fallen into dependence on recognition, as he urgently needs confirmation of his existing opinion about himself.
In a nutshell, it sounds like this - I'm cool and deserve the best. Parents could impose this kind of thinking, with rare exceptions this is the standard model. As a result, we get an individual who values himself highly, is focused on the merits and is well aware of his own "pluses".
External self-esteem is critically low, because the feedback is sharply negative. Others notice serious flaws and over and over again express opinions that are radically different from the beliefs of the narcissist.
This is a collision with reality, when someone who is confident in his greatness receives completely different signals from the outside. At work, they report unsuitability, relationships do not stick together, partners constantly reject or defend their personal boundaries, not wanting to worship a mediocre companion.
Failure becomes a traumatic event. Imagine you arrived at the competition absolutely confident in your victory. Look down on your opponents, walk like a peacock with your head held high and taunt those around you. Then you hear the starting whistle and after a minute you realize that you are trailing at the end and you can’t catch up with anyone.
Shock, horror, disappointment, despair. This process will have a strong impact on the psyche, she will suddenly discover that her analysis turned out to be erroneous and all information about herself is false. People around you can easily do without you, a more qualified employee was easily found in your place, nothing stopped or broke. Moreover - your absence has led to development. It hurts.
Analysis of one's own personality and its value
Since the discrepancy between internal and external self-esteem is too strong, the psyche is forced to reduce the distance between them. In the vast majority of cases, self-awareness is drawn precisely to internal self-esteem, since it is perceived as more reliable.
But this is where the daffodils break down.
This happens according to an amazing principle. One protective mechanism crashes into another. First, consciousness, when evaluating a person, relies on the self-esteem that is lower, in this case, on the external one. But at the same second, another mechanism is triggered - protection from external influences and defense of beliefs.
If we listened to everyone we met, we would soon become slaves. To prevent this from happening, our psyche actively fights for internal beliefs and throws all resources into their defense. As a result, we have a logical, albeit erroneous, conclusion - those around me who speak negatively about me are enemies. All their phrases are an attempt to humiliate, insult, offend me.
And at this moment, the focus of attention shifts to internal self-esteem, and all external signals are perceived as hostile. Here we get the emotion of anger, which becomes the driving force of the organism. The narcissist turns to a desperate struggle and goes in search of a victim.
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Search and suppression of the victim
What does the narcissist need at this stage? source of recognition. The one who will give the right feelings and emotions, namely the tools to increase the sense of self-worth. To do this, the victim must be dependent and weak. It is impossible to survive without a tyrant, and the oppressed must not only feel it himself, but also voice it.
Simply put, there is someone who is unable to survive without his tormentor. He informs him and everyone else that the narcissist is very smart, beautiful, understands everything, has resources, intelligence, talents, skills. He puts a high mark, which saves the tyrant from a feeling of inferiority and mediocrity. Recognizes his greatness.
In such a situation, there are two types of victims. The first is everyone around who is at least a little more successful than a narcissist. They are devalued, criticized, ridiculed. This one is not prettier than me, she just did a hundred operations and spent a billion on cosmetics.
This one is not smarter, he generally got to his position by pull. These are not richer, they just stole money, I could do that too, but I'm not like that!
The second is a close person driven into addiction. As a rule, this is a child, or a partner in a romantic relationship. Here the situation is curious - the victim receives care, affection and love, but only until he stutters about his self-sufficiency and independence.
If this is a husband, then he must submit to his wife totally. If the wife became the victim, then she falls under the influence of a tyrant, has no right to her own opinion, must meet expectations, recognize her position under her husband and not object to this.
The child must be obedient, fulfill the unfulfilled dreams of the parent, follow all instructions, forget about his identity and never leave the significant adult. It is the parent who chooses the soulmate for his child, he (a) evaluates and gives consent. If not, then the children will have to end the relationship, otherwise their act will be perceived as a betrayal.
Act of aggression
Naturally, in most cases the victim starts to resist. And this leads to the narcissist trying to prove his importance. The fight begins. So the spouse is deprived of what he needs to understand how much he needs a tyrant. It comes to a frank insertion of sticks into the wheels. There is only one goal - he must realize the value, crawl with an apology and return the crown to the head of his tormentor.
Narcissistic parents suppress their child's individuality, which makes him helpless and weak. Any distance will be perceived as betrayal and stupidity. Your wife doesn't love you like I do. Your husband is just using you, not like me. You will be lost without me, you lived with me like in a fairy tale.
Negative self-reports will appear to the narcissist as an act of attack. This is clearly seen in political dictators who simply cannot survive the protests from the people. Any negative assessments cause anger, because the narcissist is sure that I am great and all "normal" people see this, and the rest are just outcasts who dream of offending me!
The narcissistic mother will turn into a disgusting mother-in-law and mother-in-law.
Romantic relationships with such people become a nightmare with regular emotional and even physical abuse. Getting a narcissist into power will end with a totalitarian regime with prohibitions, repressions and poverty of his own people. He is obliged to depend on the tyrant and beg for a piece of bread so that he once again feels his importance.
Instead of total
All the narcissist feels when the victim stops loving him is anger, anger and hatred. From the point of view of psychology, the design is outrageously simple. The tyrant thinks he is beautiful, but others refuse to accept this and give a real assessment of his significance.
The psyche is unable to take such a heavy blow and first looks for those who will give opposite signals, that is, confirm the greatness of the poor fellow, and then proceeds to suppress the sources of negative assessments. And there are many of them, because a mediocre person can only hear praise out of flattery.
This is what causes anger, which results in aggressive behavior towards those who continue to remind the narcissist of the real state of affairs.
