How to test love

7 Love Styles Test

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Q. What is the Love Styles test?

A. The Love Styles test is a personal inventory that allows you to measure and understand how you like to give and receive love in romantic relationships. It measures a concept similar to the five love languages, which was developed in the 1990's by psychologist and marriage counselor Dr. Gary Chapman, but with some key improvements based on Truity's empirical research.

Dr. Chapman pioneered the idea that we each have individual styles in the way we show love, and that having a style that does not match your partner's can cause misunderstandings and dissatisfaction in relationships. Our 2022 research, using a dataset of over 500,000 volunteers, demonstrated that Dr. Chapman's idea of love languages was valid, however the specific ways we show love have shifted to a more equitable, relational focus. Thus, Truity developed the 7 Love Styles, to reflect the seven areas we discovered were most important in modern relationships.

Q. Where can I find more information about the 7 Love Styles?

A. Please visit our information page on the 7 Love Styles.

Q. Is this a compatibility test?

A. This test won't predict who you are compatible with, but it can help you to understand how to be a better partner to whoever you choose! The concept of love styles is not to pigeonhole people or limit the kinds of relationships they can be in. Rather, it is to create a shared understanding of how people may differ in the actions and gestures that are meaningful to them. Through this understanding, you will be better able to communicate with your partners, friends, and even family members about how you can better make each other feel connected, appreciated, and loved.

Q. How long is this test?

A. The Love Styles test consists of 50 multiple choice questions and takes about 10-15 minutes to complete.

Q. Is this love quiz really free?

A. You do not need to purchase or register to take this test and view a basic overview of your results. However, you can purchase a more comprehensive full report.

Q. Is the Love Styles personality test accurate?

A. This test has been researched extensively to ensure it is valid and reliable, using a variety of statistical methods. It is based on our original research, on over 500,000 participants, to discover the underlying themes in how we show and accept love.

Q. What will my results for the Love Styles test look like?

A. After completing the test, you will get a basic, free summary showing how you scored for each of the seven love styles. After reviewing your summary, you have the option to unlock your full, in-depth report for a fee.

Q. How can I access my Love Styles test results?

A. After you take a test, you will have the option to create an account by entering your email address. If you create an account, you can view your test results at any time by returning to Truity.com and logging into your account. We do not email your results to you.

Q. Do I need to complete this Love Styles test all at once?

A. If you’ve created an account and are logged in when you take the test, your responses will be saved as you go through the test. If you do not log in to a Truity account before starting the test, your progress will not be saved and you will need to complete the test all at once.

Q. Is this personality test appropriate for children?

A. None of our tests are appropriate for children under the age of 14. Some of our tests may have mature content, and anyone younger than 18 should only take the test with parental guidance.

Q. Are you going to sell my data?

A. We do not sell your email or other data to any third parties, and we have a zero-spam policy. We carefully comply with applicable privacy laws in handling your personal information. You can read more in our privacy policy.

12 Tests of Love - FamilyLife®

Go Back To All Choosing a Spouse Articles

Choosing a Spouse

Chip Ingram

·7 min read

Do you remember the first time it happened? You caught one another’s eyes, and then you looked a second time. Something inside you wanted to glance a third time, followed quickly by a fourth lingering look.

You didn’t want to stare, but something irresistibly drew you to that other person. When you were introduced, your palms were sweaty and you hoped no one noticed the increased perspiration under your arms. Your heart began to race as an exhilarating but unfamiliar feeling swept over you.

You were suddenly afraid to say anything because you knew that if you opened your mouth, out would flow incomprehensible babble. The experience was exciting and terrifying at the same time.

As the other person began to speak, you felt drawn like a magnet to a steel ingot. You didn’t know her or where she came from, but something about the way she looked and the aura that she projected triggered an unexplainable feeling of euphoria and excitement. Her smile or a tiny gesture became instantly engraved in your mind. You knew you would never forget her. For an instant you wondered how you would describe this moment to a friend. Then a phrase came to mind, as if by magic, provided by countless hours of exposure to the Hollywood formula—“I think I’m falling in love.”

You’ve been there. I’ve been there. No doubt we all agree that those are thrilling moments, especially if we sense a similar response from the other person. But is it really love?

How do you know whether what I just described is the beginning of the greatest relationship you will ever experience on earth or simply an episode of infatuation?

How do you know if you’re really in love or simply physically attracted to a member of the opposite sex?

The following 12 tests will help you understand if you are truly in love. But this is not just for single people who are dating or those who are engaged. If you’re married and you are tempted to say, “I’ve been married for 27 years, so what’s this got to do with me?” please think again. Failure to understand the difference between love and infatuation goes well beyond finding the right person. Unless you understand the radical difference between love and infatuation, you may set yourself up for devastation in your future years of marriage.

If you believe that what we will call infatuation is the real test of love, you may be in a very good relationship but feel unloved. Your skewed expectations may be robbing you of a rich, warm, and deep relationship. Furthermore, if you are unclear about the difference between love and infatuation, you may find yourself getting unintentionally connected to a member of the opposite sex who is not your spouse, naively concluding that you’ve now found “true love.”

Each of the following tests is designed to help you discern and distinguish between love and infatuation. After you read each statement, apply it to your present relationship, or to your expectations of what a love relationship should include. Ask yourself: Is my current relationship or my view of relationships more in alignment with love or with infatuation in this particular area?

1. The test of time. Love benefits and grows through time; infatuation ebbs and diminishes with time. Are you in a rush to label certain feelings “love,” or do you have other words to describe these feelings? Do you save the word love for something better than feelings? If you find yourself “falling in love” often and early, only to be later disappointed, perhaps remembering this first test of real love will save you future heartache.

2. The test of knowledge. Love grows out of an appraisal of all the known characteristics of the other person. How well do you expect to know the person you marry? Or how well do you know your spouse? Infatuation quickly decides it knows everything it needs to know. Genuine love creates an atmosphere of such interest that the other person opens like a flower.

3. The test of focus. Genuine love is other-person centered. Infatuation is self-centered. In your most important relationships, to what degree is your attention focused on what you are receiving from them and to what degree is your attention focused on meeting the other’s needs?

4. The test of singularity. Genuine love is focused on only one person. An infatuated individual may be “in love” with two or more persons simultaneously. In what ways have you realized that it’s much easier to work on problems in an existing relationship where singularity and faithfulness are maintained than to create a whole new set of problems with another person?

5. The test of security. Genuine love requires and fosters a sense of security and feelings of trust. An infatuated individual seems to have a blind sense of security, based upon wishful thinking rather than careful consideration; infatuation is blind to problems. Security grows and flows out of deep awareness of the other person’s character, values, and track record.

6. The test of work. An individual in love works for the other person, for his or her mutual benefit. People in infatuation only think of their own misery. They often daydream of unrealistic objectives and ideals that neither they nor their partner could ever actually attain.

7. The test of problem solving. A couple in love faces problems frankly and tries to solve them. Infatuated people tend to disregard or try to ignore problems. How good are you and your partner at seeing problems and working on them? Do you find that you gloss over hard issues in your relationship or face them squarely?

8. The test of distance. Love knows the importance of distance. Infatuation imagines love to be intense closeness, 24/7, all the time. If circumstances require you to be temporarily separated from the one you love, that will teach you a lot about the quality of your relationship. If there is not a sense of separateness, a distinct life, relationships with other people, and healthy balance, then the relationship is probably a lot more infatuation than love.

9. The test of physical attraction. Physical attraction is a relatively small part of genuine love, but it is the center focus of infatuation. Now don’t read “small part” to mean “not a part” in what I just stated. If your heart doesn’t skip a beat now and then and you don’t feel real attraction for your mate or the person you plan to marry, I’d call that a problem.

10. The test of affection. In love, affection is expressed later in the relationship, involving the external expression of the physical attraction we just described. In infatuation affection is expressed earlier, sometimes at the very beginning. Affection tends to push toward greater physical intimacy. Without the control of the other aspects of genuine love, affection spends itself quickly. It gives the appearance of making the relationship “close,” but the closeness is artificial and fragile.

11. The test of stability. Love tends to endure. Infatuation may change suddenly and unpredictably. In infatuation the wind blows here and you’re in love. The wind blows there and you’re in love. Not so with real love. Real love is stable. There is a commitment. The test of stability can hardly be applied to a relationship measured in days or weeks.

12. The test of delayed gratification. A couple in genuine love is not indifferent to the timing of their wedding, but they do not feel an irresistible drive toward it. An infatuated couple tends to feel an urge to get married—instantly. Postponement for the infatuated is intolerable.

Isn’t it amazing how much Hollywood has influenced your thinking and mine? I hope these tests helped you see more clearly the differences between love and infatuation. They will continue to offer you help in your present relationships, your future ones, and your marriage.

One of the amazing things about my relationship with my wife is that I keep falling in love with her. In fact, the longer and the better I learn to love her, the more I discover that the brain chemicals work in ways I never could have predicted even 10 years ago. It’s not that we’re pitting love against infatuation—it’s simply that we want to understand the difference so we can enjoy each one in its special place in a relationship.

You see, love in a lasting relationship is not a long, gradual decline from the peak of our heady initial romance. Lasting love is more like standing where the ocean meets the shore—the waves keep coming in. Not every wave of emotion is the same, and that turns out to be very interesting and exciting. But it takes time and commitment to discover the wonder of a lasting relationship.

Yes, the waves and tides ebb and flow. But when we know what love really is, we also know that the waves and the tide will return. So stay at the beach! Learn to “read the waves.” Work through the relational issues and enjoy the varied sounds and passion of the crashing or softly lapping surf. Too many people walk away from relationships without ever getting their feet wet!

Taken from Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships by Chip Ingram. Used by permission of Baker Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, www.bakerpublishinggroup.com, copyright © 2003. All rights to this material are reserved. Material is not to be reproduced, scanned, copied, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without written permission from Baker Publishing Group. Website visitors may not copy, transfer, or download the material.

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How to know that you truly love someone

March 17, 2021 Relationship

Most of the signs we usually refer to don't actually mean that at all.

You can listen to this article. If it's more convenient for you, turn on the podcast.

Blogger Chris Gage has come up with her list of right symptoms and things that are just confusing.

False signs

1. You think about this person all the time. This is a blind infatuation. If you are constantly thinking about someone, you cannot focus on other important things. And this is already a problem. True love fits into life, not captures it.

2. You constantly yearn for your partner or cannot live a single day without him. See above.

3. This person means everything to you. The same.

4. You cannot imagine the future without the object of your feelings. If you try, you can imagine anything. For example, that you moved to Switzerland and graze goats there. But this does not mean that you really need such a turn. And in the phrases “When I think about the future, I always imagine how he / she helps me cope with everything, no matter what happens”, “My future without him / her simply does not make sense”, the object of love can easily be replaced with a new job or your favorite dog.

The problem is that we have turned love into a form of escapism. We measure potential partners by how they fit into our fantasies.

Only this has nothing to do with love. So yes, imagine a partner in your future, but not because he "makes life complete."

5. This person is the one you have always dreamed of. See above.

6. You want your partner to always be there. You have clearly never been in a healthy long-term relationship. Yes, you must want to see your lover or beloved. But not always! Sometimes you need to be alone with yourself, work or do other things. Don't think that you don't love someone just because you want to be alone from time to time.

7. You will do anything to impress your lover. It's even scary. And why are you trying so hard? Loving doesn't mean making a good impression.

8. You are afraid of losing this person. There is no fear of loss in healthy love. This is attachment.

9. You are jealous. And this is again attachment, not mature love.

10. This person is beautiful. This is most likely just flattering to your vanity.

11. He is kind. Well, it's great that your emotional needs are met. But it only says that your partner deserves love. It is not a fact that you are experiencing it for him.

12. You just know. This is the most useless answer ever. Do not repeat such stupid things for others, calling them romantic, because you do not have a normal explanation.

Signs to watch out for

1. Your time with your partner is the best time of the day. Depends on how things are with the rest. Well, if you are satisfied with your life and the partner only makes it even better. It’s bad if you don’t like everything, and communication with him is the only outlet for you - . It's time to get on with your life.

2. You put your partner's interests above everything else. It's good if you really care about his desires and needs and you pay attention to them without destroying yourself. It is bad if you sacrifice your needs or evaluate yourself only by the ability to make your partner happy.

Signs that you like him/her as a person

1. The object of your feelings is not like everyone else. He or she is lucky.

2. You like not only his appearance. Congratulations, all is not lost for you.

3. You wish this person happiness. Excellent. It would be nice to wish happiness to most people.

4. With it, you are ready to try something new. Great, you have found someone with whom you are comfortable and pleased.

5. Your partner inspires you to be better. Role models are also inspiring, but you don't like them.

Signs of true love

1. You have decided to love. Love is an action, not a feeling. It is a conscious decision that you make over and over again.

2. You show love. You invest and make efforts. You don't intentionally hurt. You don't retaliate, you don't manipulate, you don't coward. Your partner's needs don't annoy you. You are not trying to take up all of his time. You feel confident without constant beliefs in reciprocity.

You value your partner's point of view. You learn the language in which he expresses love. You make decisions based on their interests and needs. You support. You care and accept care.

3. You show love even when you don't feel like it. It's easy to think that you love when things are going smoothly in a relationship. But much more important is the period when difficulties begin.

You love it when in times of disagreement your goal is to find a compromise, not to pick a winner.
You love if you don't take your partner's words with hostility, don't doubt him. Don't keep score. Don't hold a grudge. Do not deprive your partner of your love as punishment.
You love if you seek to understand first and not to be understood. You listen and appreciate what has been shared with you. And do not dump your own problems right there.
You love it if you act like you and your partner are on the same team. You are listening. You are making concessions. You're sorry. You forgive.
You love even when it hurts. You respect your partner's needs, even if they involve separation.

Ask yourself the question “How to love”, not “How to understand that you have fallen in love”. It is worth distinguishing between the concepts of “being in love” and “love”, because the first is just a blind infatuation, in no way connected with a real feeling. Love is action. Always.

How do we know that this is love?

147 712

Man and woman

“There is no love, there is only proof of love,” said the French playwright Jean Cocteau. If so, what can serve as its proof? Loyalty? But it depends rather on our temperament, personal morality and prevailing mores, and not only on the depth of feelings for a partner. Sexual attraction? But it can fade over time, but love remains.

A good memory for significant dates for two, gifts, the desire to spend as much time as possible with a loved one - all this is a matter of character, tastes, and upbringing. How do we understand that our feeling is true love?

Shock

“I love it!!! And now I live with some kind of special ease and constantly feel happiness, - says 28-year-old Natalia. - When we are together, I can not take my eyes off him, I constantly want to touch him. I feel that we are one with him. If he is not around, no matter what I do, no matter where I am, all thoughts return to him. I constantly wait for his call, and if he does not call or is delayed, everything breaks inside me: I am afraid that we will never see each other again.

“We often confuse falling in love with love — their signs are very similar,” says family psychotherapist Maria Fedorova. - We experience delight and worry, rejoice and feel pain - our inner world is shaken to its very foundations. Falling in love usually lasts a few months, but no more than three years.

And only after this time it is possible to judge whether the feeling was genuine or just a passing infatuation. After a romantic crush, long-term deep affection comes or the relationship ends. It turns out that one intensity of emotions is not enough to talk about true love. But what is the other evidence?

Responsibility

“With Olga, I became more attentive to my promises and actions, although I usually behaved more than frivolously with other women,” says 40-year-old Georgy. “Now, before I do anything, I think about how she will react to it. I need to keep her trust. I love her and I'm afraid to lose her."

If our feelings become more even, but at the same time deeper, mutual understanding and awareness of our responsibility for a loved one come to us - we can say that falling in love has grown into true love.

True love begins when we strive to get to know the other, to understand what he is

“When we fall in love, we do not see a person, but are captivated by it, because it reflects the ideal image that we carry in our soul,” says American psychotherapist Robert Johnson, author of We. Deep Aspects of Romantic Love. And so falling in love is nothing but love for oneself. True love begins only from the moment when we strive to get to know the other, to understand what he is like as an ordinary, earthly person, we begin to love him in this capacity and take care of him.

“When passionate passion develops into a deep feeling, we begin to realize that it is important for us not only the pleasure that we get from communicating with a partner. Now the beloved person is important to us in itself, - agrees the psychotherapist Alexander Orlov. “It becomes unique to us, as if it contained an important part of ourselves. And we are ready to sacrifice a lot for the sake of our feelings. ”

So, care and responsibility are the signs of true love? Also no. After all, it often happens that we build such relationships by virtue of inertia, habit or gentleness of character.

Attraction

But there is also our body. It is waiting for the beloved, requires his presence, touches, his gaze, caresses. For 27-year-old Ekaterina, bodily sensations are the main proof of love. “When I love, I physically miss this person,” Catherine admits. - Wherever I am, at work, in the cinema, with a girlfriend, I remember him and feel his absence. This tension subsides only when he is near.

“Our body, faster than the mind, lets us know that love has come,” says sexologist Natalya Stenyaeva. “When we experience sexual attraction, when we like to be around for a long time, when we touch each other, when we become receptive to the gestures, behavior, words, smell of a partner, we know that we love.”

However, there comes a time when spouses, even those who love each other passionately, notice that attraction decreases, sex ceases to be so significant in their lives. French psychoanalyst Françoise Dolto said that in fact, partners make love more often than they themselves think: “It happens unnoticed by them, at night, when they just sleep in the same bed. In this way, we communicate with each other at the deepest level, at the level of the unconscious, which manifests itself more at this time of day. Does this mean that the attraction of bodies is not an unconditional proof of love?

Mystery

Maybe we shouldn't try to define what love is, because once we want to explain this feeling with the power of reason, we risk losing it forever - as happened with Psyche.

The heroine of Greek myths spent hot nights with the god of love Eros. But in order to keep the love, she should not see his face. “If he does not want to open up to you, then he is a monster,” the sisters whisper to Psyche. At night, when Eros fell asleep, she took a lamp and lit up his face. The god of love turned out to be so beautiful! The girl trembled with excitement, and a drop of hot oil fell on the body of her lover. He woke up... and left her forever. For the acquired knowledge, Psyche paid with love.

Each of us, by some signs only he can understand, can say that love has come

Carl Gustav Jung writes about this in his autobiographical book Memories, Dreams, Reflections: , what does it represent. The greatest and the smallest, the most remote and the nearest, the highest and the deepest are concentrated in it, and we cannot speak about one of the sides, silent about the opposite. A person can come up with any names for love, but this will only be an endless self-deception. If he has even a modicum of wisdom, he will discard fruitless attempts.

We do not know how love is born and where it comes from, we cannot give it a single, exhaustive definition - and yet this almost “non-existent” feeling can turn our whole life upside down. Perhaps we should just admit that only each of us, by some signs only he can understand, can say that love has come.

Traps of love at first sight

Burning feeling, wonderful pain... An unexpected meeting — and now a powerful wave instantly transferred the lovers to another planet, where sensations and desire are sharpened to the limit... But can love at first sight outgrow in a long term relationship?

“It happens all of a sudden, completely capturing the whole being of a lover,” says psychotherapist Gleb Lozinsky. “His consciousness focuses only on thoughts about one person, on his image, attraction to him.” This energetic, powerful feeling flares up, seemingly completely inexplicable. And a lot of traps prevent him from moving into a long-term relationship.

Love at first sight most often falls on those who least expect it. Overwhelmed by love fever, they begin to believe that this is the greatest feeling in their lives. And this mistake is costly: some of us leave everything to the mercy of fate, leave a wife or husband, children, work.

“Waiting for love makes you behave more carefully,” says analytical psychotherapist Tatyana Rebeko. “It’s better to understand that we are talking about a temporary outbreak, and not to make radical decisions in the heat of the moment.” Another trap is imaginary reciprocity. We are sure that we have met a person with whom we will be happy. He sends us this signal not only against our will, but also against his own. And reciprocity is, of course, not guaranteed. But a lover can go in cycles and continue to love while suffering.

“The only solution is to take it for granted that we are the only ones seeing this mirage and try to redirect our attention,” continues Tatiana Rebeko. In addition, against the background of such unearthly love, all past relationships seem small and insipid. And when the spell breaks, lovers feel real devastation.

And yet, many wonderful family stories begin with love at first sight. Their duration depends on how partners manage to step back and see their feelings from the outside. Can they build a relationship with a real person? Do they find an honest answer to the question: why did he take such a place in my life? In order for the couple to have a future, it is necessary that the first, blurred look at each other be followed by a second, more sober and earthly one.

Confessions of love

One fine day their hearts trembled because they realized: this is HE, this is HER. Our heroes are from 25 to 60 years old, but they remember the beginning of their love with the same excitement.

“I realized that I loved him after the first fight. All night I composed a letter: I apologized and confessed my love. It turned out stupid. I decided to fit everything into SMS. Sergey found me doing this in the morning...”
Yulia, 25 years old

“We quarreled, and then chatted on the phone for half the night and for some reason agreed that we should part. I did not sleep all night, and in the morning I rushed to Yulia with a bouquet. And at that time she was composing a text message for me with a declaration of love.
Sergey, 23 years old

“It all started as a light novel. But one day I realized: my feelings are deeper than it seemed, and I'm ready for a serious relationship. After that, everything in life began to change at a rapid pace.
Sasha, 26 years old

“Sasha and I worked together in an advertising agency: we had a good relationship, we easily understood each other. On the last night of the January holidays, I had a romantic dream about him. The next day at work, I saw Sasha with different eyes.
Yulia, 25 years old

“We worked together for six years, but we never looked at each other. In 1989 my first book came out. Irina read it and told me what was important for me to hear. I was hooked, I invited her to a picnic. Spring, cold, she is wearing white leather gloves. Suddenly, the paper cup with "Saperavi" in her hand was torn, and the gloves were hopelessly damaged. And she didn't even show it. It was then that I realized: our man!”
Andrey, 47 years old

“We had a business relationship. And then I began to notice Andrei's interest in myself and also decided to take a closer look at him. And after that, the feeling naturally arose that with this person I could live happily for the rest of my life.
Irina, 49 years old

“We rarely met with Aset. But one day I saw her with flowers in her hands next to another man, and at that moment the world changed. A strange fire flared up inside me. It was a burning hatred for that guy and a huge tenderness for her.
Ibragim, 37 years old

“I had many admirers, although no one sought me so persistently. Ibrahim was the most devoted of all. The realization that this is a strong feeling that does not let go for a minute came when I thought: what if I have to choose between my parents and my future husband? In the Caucasus, you don’t joke with your family, relatives are your whole life. And then I got scared: I chose Ibrahim.
Aset, 33 years old

“January 9, 1977, evening, snow, frost, not too brightly lit Moscow. Corner of the Museum of the Revolution. I was standing next to the car. After the New Year holidays, the last thing I wanted was any movement. And suddenly I ran upstairs to Red Square. Only at the entrance to GUM did I realize what made me suddenly take off: a few minutes before that, through the snow, from afar, I saw a girl's figure passing by. What could I see at that distance? However, some force made me rush after him. I caught up with her and said the simplest and most unexpected: “Girl, I’ll catch my breath for now, and you tell us about yourself.” I made an offer on the third day of our acquaintance.
Sergey, 56 years old

“On a winter Sunday evening I was invited to an exhibition at the Manege. Dad, whom I came to visit from Leningrad, tried to persuade me for a long time not to go anywhere in such a frost. Overpowering myself, I still got ready and left the house. I knew Moscow very conditionally, therefore, having reached the Ploshchad Revolyutsii station not without incident, I got confused again and instead of the Manege I went towards GUM. To acquaintance on the street, my attitude was sharply negative, but fate that evening acted according to its plan. I was walking along a deserted street when I suddenly heard words behind me that disarmed me. Turning around, I realized: the exhibition in the Manege will take place without me.

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