When a spouse is depressed

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SAMHSA’s National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.
Also visit the online treatment locator.

SAMHSA’s National Helpline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357) (also known as the Treatment Referral Routing Service), or TTY: 1-800-487-4889 is a confidential, free, 24-hour-a-day, 365-day-a-year, information service, in English and Spanish, for individuals and family members facing mental and/or substance use disorders. This service provides referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organizations.

Also visit the online treatment locator, or send your zip code via text message: 435748 (HELP4U) to find help near you. Read more about the HELP4U text messaging service.

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English and Spanish are available if you select the option to speak with a national representative. Currently, the 435748 (HELP4U) text messaging service is only available in English.

In 2020, the Helpline received 833,598 calls. This is a 27 percent increase from 2019, when the Helpline received a total of 656,953 calls for the year.

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No, we do not provide counseling. Trained information specialists answer calls, transfer callers to state services or other appropriate intake centers in their states, and connect them with local assistance and support.

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Last Updated: 08/30/2022

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How to live with a partner in depression

If one person in a couple develops depression, it becomes a difficult situation for the other. We are not accustomed to thinking of depression as a disease, despite the fact that it is surprisingly widespread - at any moment in the movie theater or in the mall there is a person who has been clinically diagnosed with this disease.

Today I want to talk about how to live with a person who is depressed . We will discuss who is at risk, how to distinguish depression from a "simple" life crisis. And let's be honest about the unpopular solutions to this problem.

How depression starts
- How to distinguish depression from bad mood
Why depression occurs
What to do when your husband is depressed
- How to persuade to see a doctor
- How to explain the depression of one of the parents to children?
Do's and Don'ts
How to support yourself if your partner is depressed

My colleague Julia, author of a positive psychology blog, shared her family's experience and her husband's history of depression.

How depression begins

Three years ago Yulia moved to China with her husband, where he lived most of his life and successfully developed his company. Two months later, they went on a long (two years) journey, at the same time the first bells appeared - it became difficult for him to perform simple daily actions that had not previously been difficult - household or business-related.

Of course, at first they considered this a consequence of a change in the situation, but when they returned home, there was no improvement, the symptoms progressed. If earlier it was difficult for him to go to a meeting, then then answer the phone, write a letter. If, however, he gathered his courage, applied a strong-willed effort to complete the task, then then a “rollback” happened, it became even worse.

Self-criticism was added to the depressed state, which aggravated the already gloomy picture. A stable and adequate self-esteem of a successful entrepreneur has become unstable.

We don't expect depression to affect anyone in our family, much less a strong-willed, self-made person. This makes it difficult to be wary and seek help at the onset of the disease.

Often mistaken for depression

personality crises,
bad mood,
depression

How to distinguish depression from a bad mood

Personality crises, bad mood, depression under the influence of external circumstances are often mistaken for depression. This is what distinguishes depression:

Difficulties in performing ordinary, everyday activities that do not create difficulties in the normal state. First it may be phone calls and then showering
Over time, the symptoms increase, each such action requires more and more willpower
The depressed state does not go away even when the external situation becomes prosperous
The already difficult state of a person is aggravated by uncontrolled self-criticism and just a hellish feeling of guilt

Why depression occurs

Although depression is associated with an imbalance of biochemical processes in the body, such as diabetes, in contrast, it generates an oppressive feeling of guilt and self-worthlessness, which, individually, is difficult to bear, but together they tighten the noose. And it becomes more and more difficult to get out of it without help.

There are 2 types of depression:

Endogenous is caused by a violation of the concentration of serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine in the brain. It can be hereditary and manifest itself with the change of seasons of the year or at other intervals. She does not need any external stresses and troubles.

Psychogenic depression occurs for psychological reasons. It can also appear in quite successful people when a critical amount of mental pain accumulates. Often old, many years old.

Any kind of depression requires patience, care, and attention to the sick person. But often they are replaced by fatigue, anxiety for the future, helplessness and even anger. It is embarrassing to experience all these feelings. Guilt connects: “ He needs my support so much! I must endure, understand, love endlessly.

What to do when your husband is depressed

Realize and accept that this is a disease, and a person should be treated the same way as a person with diabetes, for example. This may take a long time.

Very often people with depression keep up with friends and strangers, but when they are with their wives, they lose their temper. And their bad mood is a huge risk factor for a person who is constantly around.

Psychogenic depression occurs

for psychological reasons.

may appear even successful people

Separate the wheat from the chaff. Understand that his dejected state, perhaps rudeness, decadent moods are manifestations of the disease, and not his attitude towards you.

Do not plunge into its hopelessness, so as not to drown yourself. Julia, whose story we started with, found it very useful to study positive psychology in order to support herself.

In this situation, self-flagellation is useless: “ Now, if I were a good wife, this would not have happened, I could have prevented it”, , etc. Probably not. It is unlikely that if you were more diligent in the role of a wife, it would help your husband to withstand the emerging illness.

Be aware of the characteristic features of depression - acute feelings of guilt and worthlessness. This is the key difference between depression, a feeling that is impossible to try on when you are healthy.

Keep your responsibility, give it to him. You cannot be responsible for the partner's status. It is impossible to follow the path of recovery for a partner, no matter how clearly you see it. All you can do is support. Only he can make his own steps. Your task is to maintain your own resourceful or at least normal state.

How to persuade a doctor to see a doctor

When we are depressed, we are faced with a cognitive distortion: a person feels that no help can help him, nothing good will ever happen, there is no hope that someone or something will help “such a terrible to him".

For the wife, the way out seems obvious, it is nearby - you just need to see a doctor.

Many men don't even want to hear about contacting a specialist. Even if a person does not deny the existence of a problem, it is still very difficult to bring him to the doctor.

You cannot instill in your husband the desire to go to him. You can't move his legs. And this impossibility is very difficult to accept. There is a feeling of the futility of their efforts, and one can only grieve about this.

Partner can say:

I'm with you
I am ready to help
When you're ready, tell me and we'll make this decision together
Here, I have a solution, the doctor's phone number, I think it's good for this and that. When you're ready, let me know and I'll make an appointment for you
Tell me when you're ready, I'll arrange everything

How to explain to children the depression of one of the parents?

It can be said to kids that dad/mum is ill, so he (she) needs to rest a bit, gather his strength. And you don't have to be scared.

For older children, it is quite acceptable and even desirable to explain in more detail that the father/mother's brain has not produced enough hormones, so he/she cannot live at the same pace as before, and must comply with the regimen. In any case, you should not hush up the situation, escalate fear, or vice versa, promise the child that "daddy will sleep a little now and everything will pass."

Correct and kind

to a partner in depression —
is to give yourself space
for a normal life

What not to do

Make a strict plan supportive actions

At the first suspicion of depression, Yulia and her husband made a sleep schedule (it is important to sleep at least 8 hours, for example) and nutrition, exercise in order to get out on her own.

But they approached the observance of the regime too carefully. When it was not possible to support him, the husband was even more immersed in the feeling of his badness.

Trying to measure the complexity of the situation with “one’s own ruler”

It is impossible for a partner to imagine and difficult to accept how little a depressed person needs to fall into a bottomless pit of worthlessness. For example, from the fact that he overslept and violated the regime.

It is impossible for a healthy person to truly try on the sense of self of a sick partner. You can only roughly imagine it and constantly remember.

Hide your feelings

To remain silent and say nothing about your feelings, to pretend that there is no problem, being afraid to upset your husband is not an option. As well as pouring out all your anxiety and anxiety on your partner. It is possible and necessary to share carefully, balancing the risk and benefit in each case.

Sacrificing oneself for the sake of something incomprehensible, if the husband does not believe in treatment or does not recognize the presence of the disease

It is important to remember that everyone has their own resource. Determine how much this state of affairs destroys you. And determine the time frame in which you are ready to be with a partner in depression, without risking collapse after.

There are some types of depression which have socially acceptable forms . And someone is quite capable of living with such a partner. But if you feel that you can’t endure it endlessly, that it undermines your vitality, honestly answer yourself the question of how long you are ready to be with him if the situation does not change, and he does not take any measures to improve his condition. .

How to support yourself if your partner is depressed

It is very important to understand yourself and your feelings

Conscious meditation can help with this, which teaches you to separate what is happening outside of you from what is inside. Observe what exactly you are reacting to, what you are worried about - from how things are in reality, or from the likelihood of an unfavorable development of events in the future.

When anxiety sets in, you can focus on bodily sensations . Focus on how firmly you feel the floor with your feet or how comfortable you are sitting, that nothing hurts in your body, the room is at a comfortable temperature.

Everyone has their own resource

Determine
how much
destroys you such a state of affairs

Think about what keeps you going: a meaningful job, a hobby you love, maybe you have the opportunity to eat fresh fruit every day, other delicious food that gives energy. Around you is your cozy home, a prosperous lifestyle, small familiar joys - focus on the sensations from them. This is how we expand the ball of comfort around us.

If you feel good physically, then all the discomfort is caused by "terrible if" thoughts. About what will happen to you if…

It is important to be able to separate yourself from your disturbing thoughts

Developing a "compassionate observer" in yourself helps a lot - the ability to talk to yourself carefully and with sympathy, as with a good friend:

Develop a "compassionate observer" in yourself: "Yes, you have such a situation now. Honey, how hard it is. Such a period is now. What a pity you have to go through this."

Your husband is depressed, that's a fact. But the wife should not suffer solely because the husband is now unhappy. You need to support yourself, because if you collapse, then you definitely won’t help anyone.

Allowing yourself to experience positive emotions is important

Allow yourself to laugh, meet friends, engage in hobbies, watch comedies. You do not betray his sadness by this. It's just that at least one of you should stand firmly on your feet, in order to later help the second one return to a normal life in the family.

It is hard for any person to be a source of suffering for his loved ones. If you support yourself, experience positive emotions, then this lightens its burden. For post-Soviet women, this may be counter-intuitive. But if you are constantly sad, then the sick person will drown in the abyss of his guilt for pulling you along with him.

It is correct and kind to a partner in depression is to give yourself space for a normal life.

Please remember what you want to achieve and keep it focused: so that he, we feel better - do not suffer and donate . You cannot live his pain for a person, walk his path, no matter how closely you are connected.

Your life is bigger than your problem. Your life goes on. This experience gives a great increase in inner maturity.

How to get a husband out of depression - Husband and wife

Dear S.! I sympathize with you very much. It is often more difficult for most people to see the suffering of a loved one than to experience it themselves, and naturally, in such a situation, one wants to help. But the first thing to remember here is that you are not a specialist who makes a diagnosis, and your main task is to remain a wife, and not take on the role of a psychotherapist. Seeing a husband’s bad mood or even signs of depression, one can only speculate about his condition.

In fact, it is impossible to really help someone who does not want help. Only your husband can decide how he wants to live.

However, a few ideas.

1. You can really help if you find the time and energy to listen carefully, show your participation, encourage and support him. It is important that you are not faced with the task of solving the problems of your husband, namely, to be with him.

2. While providing support, it is important not to sink into a bad mood and depression yourself. You need to continue to live your own life, adhering to a healthy balance, because if you put a lot of yourself in helping another, you can lose the very ability to help. Other family members, the atmosphere in the house are also important.

3. Since any physical activity is very useful in a state of depression, you can keep him company yourself, for example, in walks, etc. this will only benefit you and your relationship.

4. People suffering from depression can often provoke others to criticize, or vice versa, they themselves behave aggressively. It is important to keep this in mind and not rush to criticize them or defend yourself. Often people, experiencing depression and really needing the support of others, despite this, move away from everyone, sinking more and more into despondency. There is no need to think that the husband himself does not want to communicate, preferring loneliness, it is better to continue to gently show participation, even if it remains unanswered. If we are really talking about a situation of depression, you will have to be patient, since it may take time for a person to significantly improve in his condition.

5. You may be asked to seek help from a specialist.

6. In a state of depression that provokes physical and mental difficulties, any effort made deserves the highest appreciation and praise. Therefore, do not forget to praise and admire your husband!

7. As a wife, you can control your diet and environment, which is of great therapeutic value. For example, your favorite music, or a recording of the sounds of nature: the sound of rain and wind, the rustle of the surf, the chirping of birds.

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