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What does loneliness feel like


9 Signs of Loneliness

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Turning to technology could be a sign of loneliness. Warner Bros. Pictures

Loneliness is proven to have a detrimental effect on your body and wellbeing. It can lead to high blood pressure, cardiovascular disease, reduced immunity, and depression — loneliness was even declared a public health issue.

In order to keep yourself as healthy as possible, maintaining relationships with your family and friends is key — there's a reason that "Social" is a need in "The Sims."

However, even if you don't feel like you're lonely, keep an eye out for these seemingly benign signs of loneliness: your body could be trying to tell you something.

You constantly feel tired.

It might be why you're yawning all the time. Dan Kitwood/Getty Images

A study published in 2011 linked loneliness to sleep fragmentation, which is defined as "arousals and awakenings that disrupt the normal stages and architecture of sleep. " In other words, it's when you can't sleep through the night, and are continuously waking up.

If you're thinking, "Well, I always sleep through the night, so that can't be why I'm so tired," you might want to pay closer attention. The amount of time that you're awake can be so small that you don't even realize or remember it the next morning — but it's preventing you from completing a full sleep cycle.

The study concluded that loneliness is a significant predictor of sleep fragmentation, and that "lonely individuals do not sleep as well as individuals who feel more connected to others."

You care a lot about material possessions.

Materialism and loneliness are linked. Getty Images

Materialism and loneliness are also believed to be linked: One study of 2,500 people over six years found that loneliness causes people to frequently go out and buy material things (but also points out that it does not go the other way — materialism does not cause loneliness).  

So, if you suddenly find yourself fixating on material possessions and shopping more than normal (filling a void, if you will), you could be going through a rough patch. 

You find yourself taking really long and hot showers.

They're also not great for your skin. Anna Omelchenko/shutterstock

In a study published in the scientific journal "Emotion," researchers found a link between physical and social "warmth. " Essentially, if a person feels socially cold (aka lonely), they're more likely to try to substitute emotional warmth with physical warmth by taking hot showers and baths.

You can't stop binge-watching shows.

You might want to stop clicking "Next Episode." FOX

A tendency to binge-watch can indicate a few things: loneliness, depression, and a lack of control. A study done at the University of Texas at Austin found that loneliness and binge-watching TV are linked in some way.

They found that "the more lonely and depressed the study participants were, the more likely they were to binge-watch TV, using this activity to move away from negative feelings." 

You are consistently making mountains out of molehills.

If you feel like you've been more stressed than normal recently, you could just be lonely. According to Psychology Today, "lonely individuals report higher levels of perceived stress even when exposed to the same stressors as non-lonely people, and even when they are relaxing."

So if your past couple of months haven't been inherently more stressful than normal, but you feel like you've been extra stressed about little things, it could be loneliness raising your levels of stress hormones and blood pressure.

You hang out with other lonely people.

Your friends might be lonely too. Pexels

A 2010 study found that loneliness "spreads through a contagious process." So even if you yourself don't feel lonely, counter intuitively your social network could be changing that. In other words, if you have friends that feel lonely, you're more likely to experience feelings of loneliness too.

According to research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, you're 52% more likely to feel lonely if someone you're directly connected to is lonely.

You've gained weight.

Weight gain can stem from isolation. Kzenon/Shutterstock

Since weight gain is a common side effect of depression, it doesn't come as too much of a surprise that weight gain could also signify loneliness.

Mental health counselor Ashley Turner told the UnLonely Project that "loneliness is one of the biggest drives toward overeating. We naturally turn to food to nurture and nourish ourselves. It is the most obvious way to fill ourselves up. However, when we are lonely, what we are actually craving is a little personal interaction, intimacy, love or friendship, someone to share our lives with."

It feels like you constantly have a cold.

Loneliness could directly affect your health. Shutterstock

Loneliness can lead to a weakened immune system, leaving you susceptible to colds and other viruses. It can become a vicious cycle, as staying at home with a cold will isolate you from others, in turn increasing loneliness. 

A study from UCLA found that the immune system of lonely people focuses on bacteria rather than viruses, meaning that lonely people are more susceptible to viral infections.

Loneliness can also lead to an increased risk of heart disease, arthritis, Type 2 diabetes, dementia, high blood pressure, inflammation, and even issues with learning and memory, and is said to be a bigger health risk than obesity or smoking.

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Features Loneliness Health

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Signs and Symptoms of Chronic Loneliness

Short-term bouts of loneliness can occur to many people at some point in their lives. These types of feelings are typically brief and not considered chronic. However, when feelings of loneliness and isolation worsen and continue long-term, there may be more serious signs and symptoms to be aware of and steps you can take to help deal with chronic loneliness.

What is chronic loneliness?

Chronic loneliness occurs when feelings of loneliness and uncomfortable social isolation go on for a long period of time. It’s characterized by constant and unrelenting feelings of being alone, separated or divided from others, and an inability to connect on a deeper level. It can also be accompanied by deeply rooted feelings of self-doubt, low self-esteem, or social anxiety.1

Ongoing loneliness can afflict even the most seemingly outgoing person. Being the "life of the party" doesn't necessarily exclude someone from being chronically lonely. This type of chronic, or long-term loneliness, can eventually impact all areas of your life.

What are the main signs and symptoms of chronic loneliness?

Chronic loneliness symptoms and signs can differ depending on who you are and your situation. If you consistently feel some or all of the following, you may be dealing with chronic loneliness:

  • Inability to connect with others on a deeper, more intimate level. Maybe you have friends and family in your life, but engagement with them is at a very surface level. Your interaction doesn’t feel connected in a way that is fulfilling and this disconnection seems never ending.
  • No close or "best" friends. You have friends, but they are casual friends or acquaintances and you feel you can find no one who truly "gets" you.
  • Overwhelming feeling of isolation regardless of where you are and who’s around. You can be at a party surrounded by dozens of people and, yet, you feel isolated, separate, and disengaged. At work, you may feel alienated and alone. Same on a bus, train, or walking down a busy street. It’s as if you’re in your own unbreakable bubble.
  • Negative feelings of self-doubt and self-worth. Does it feel like you are always less than enough? These feelings—long-term—are another possible symptom of chronic loneliness.
  • When you try to connect or reach out, it’s not reciprocated, and you’re not seen or heard.
  • Exhaustion and burn out when trying to engage socially. If you’re dealing with chronic loneliness, trying to engage and be social with others can leave you feeling exhausted. Continued feelings of being drained can lead to other issues like sleep problems, a weakened immune system, poor diet, and more.

Can chronic loneliness lead to health problems?

Long-term feelings of loneliness can affect your health in many ways. For example, chronic loneliness can drive up cortisol levels in the body. Cortisol is a hormone that your body creates when under stress. Over time, higher cortisol levels can lead to high blood pressure, excess weight gain, muscle weakness, problems concentrating, and more.2

If left unchecked, these chronic loneliness symptoms can put you at greater risk for more serious medical and emotional problems, including:3

  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • Stroke
  • Heart disease

If you think you are suffering with long-term feelings of loneliness, talk to your doctor or a therapist.

What does chronic loneliness do to your brain?

Research shows that chronic loneliness can have a significant impact on your overall health, including your brain health. Some studies even suggest that there may be a link between loneliness and an increased risk for developing dementia and Alzheimer's. 3

Long term feelings of loneliness and social isolation can also reduce cognitive skills, such as the ability to concentrate, make decisions, problem-solve, and even change negative self-beliefs. And it can ultimately lead to depression.4

Who’s most at risk for chronic loneliness?

Chronic, or long-term, loneliness can afflict all types of people. It’s easy to assume that someone who’s naturally shy and introverted might be most at risk, but outgoing, Type A, personalities can also suffer from chronic loneliness, even though they may appear to be the life of the party. This type of loneliness is not exclusive to any one personality type.

For some people chronic loneliness may become a side effect of a medical or emotional problem, including those dealing with the following issues:

  • Substance use
  • Depression and bipolar disorder
  • Serious illness or disease
  • Some mild forms of autism, such as Asperger's Syndrome
  • Dementia and Alzheimer's
  • Sexual orientation issues

All of these issues could also lead to long-term feelings of loneliness and isolation. Make sure your doctor, therapist, or other medical provider knows how you’re feeling emotionally.

What are some tips for dealing with chronic loneliness?

If you are dealing with feelings of loneliness that just don't go away, consider these tips:

  • Talk to your doctor, a therapist, or another health care professional. Chronic loneliness isn’t limited to feelings of social isolation and alienation from others. It is often tied to ongoing and deeply rooted negative beliefs about yourself that can eventually lead to other medical and emotional problems. Let someone know what’s going on.
  • Engage with other people in a positive, healthy way. Even though it may be difficult, try making the effort to connect with others. Volunteering, hobby clubs, workout groups, and other opportunities, can help boost self-esteem and provide a safe and satisfying way to connect with others.
  • Get some exercise and sunlight. Getting active and out in the sunshine can help elevate endorphins and serotonin. 5 These “brain hormones” can boost mood, help improve sleep, and make people feel happier.
  • Find a support group, especially if chronic loneliness is a side effect of some other issue you might be dealing with, such as substance use, loss of a loved one, loneliness from a divorce or break up , a chronic and isolating illness, etc. Receiving support and encouragement from others who may share similar feelings, could help ease symptoms of chronic loneliness.

If you are dealing with long term loneliness, the kind that doesn’t go away, talk to your doctor or another health care provider so they can help. Chronic loneliness is not just about feeling alone; if left unchecked it can put you at risk for serious physical and emotional issues.

It seems that loneliness is more dangerous than obesity. Why are epidemiologists sounding the alarm?

© Vladimir Smirnov/TASS

Much is said about friendship, but mostly not from a scientific point of view. Let's fill in the gap: apparently, close people change us at the physiological level and protect us from premature death

You don't need to be a scientist to notice that when there is someone nearby, life is more fun and easier. "It's good under the sky, as if in a boat with sails, together with true friends, to sail wherever your eyes look," the animals sing in a Soviet cartoon. The value of friendship seems to be such an indisputable truth that we do not think about why we value the people around us. But this question is not as simple as it seems at first glance.

Cartoons are one thing, but in general, among animals, many do not like company. For example, koalas prefer to chew leaves alone, and growl at strangers or get into a fight. They even have what appears to be an extra pair of vocal cords. With them, koalas make disgusting low-frequency sounds that attract partners at a great distance. If the animals lived closer to each other, perhaps in a special organ - and nothing like this was found in other mammals - the need would disappear.

'Koala attracts partners'

People are like koalas only at the end of the working day, and we have different preferences. Unlike dormouse on eucalyptus branches, a person feels bad without relatives. As neuropsychologist Julianne Holt-Lunstad writes, it is not without reason that solitary confinement is used as punishment or even torture.

Some animals, like koalas, rely only on themselves in danger, while people huddle together. Our approach has drawbacks: there is high competition for resources in groups, infections spread, and it is not so easy to change your place in the hierarchy. But in the long term, the benefits still outweigh: once you look around on a commuter train on a day off, it becomes clear that cooperation has turned out to be an excellent survival strategy for our species.

But modern man does not need to fend off predators, hunt, defend himself from uninvited guests - it would seem that people do not depend on fellow tribesmen, as before. We still need each other, but it is not necessary to add something personal here. Maybe that's why scientists didn't realize that bonds affect health until a breakthrough study by American epidemiologists Lisa Berkman and S. Leonard Syme came out 40 years ago. They analyzed the questionnaires of almost 7 thousand people and followed their fate nine years later. It turned out that more recluses died: for them, the risk of death was two to three times higher than for the most sociable.

© Jeffrey Greenberg/Universal Images Group via Getty Image

The first explanation that comes to mind is that under the influence of loved ones we develop healthy habits: we go for a run because we bragged about it in the chat, we sleep as much as we need so that in the morning go to the lake together, do not smoke, do not lean on junk food and alcohol, do not postpone visits to the doctor. Of course, friends are different. There are also those who only call to party until the morning, until you fall off your feet, or simply set a bad example - such behavior is unlikely to improve health.

But in Berkman and Syme's study, these nuances were not taken into account: scientists looked at how many connections respondents had, and not what kind of connections. Moreover, epidemiologists have found that close people have a beneficial effect on life expectancy, regardless of a person's habits. Simply put, cigarettes undermine health, but if you really tar, it would be better if you had friends. Whether they smoke or not doesn't matter.

It turns out that no matter what we do because of others, this does not fully explain why loners are more at risk of dying than sociable people. There must be some other mechanism, and perhaps scientists have groped for it.

On this topic

Behavior changes not only under the influence of the environment, but also when this environment is lacking. For example, American researchers led by psychologist and neurophysiologist John Cacioppo recalled that voles, left alone in open space, are wary of scouting it. Feeling threatened, animals are busy with self-preservation. Apparently people are the same way. Even if there is no danger, alienation worries us: over the millennia, those who got along best with their fellow tribesmen and received their support were more likely to survive and continue their lineage. The need for bonds is imprinted on our subcortex.

When a feeling of loneliness sets in, people become more wary, anxious, hostile, impulsive, grouchy, depressed, they sleep worse, their vascular tone increases, the work of genes and the immune system changes, and dementia more often develops in old age because of this. All these signs indicate that when a person is lonely, something is wrong with his endocrine and nervous systems.

Several studies have tried to test this conjecture. One of them tested patients who had just entered psychiatric hospitals. It turned out that those who felt lonely had higher levels of cortisol. Like all hormones, cortisol signals the organs and, among other things, suppresses the immune response. This could explain why lonely people recover more slowly from many diseases, some of which are fatal.

© Vladimir Smirnov/TASS

And the hormone oxytocin, under certain circumstances, suppresses the production of cortisol and, in theory, is able to protect against the harmful effects of its excess. In a study of 38 couples in love, it was found that after ten minutes of warm communication, oxytocin levels rose higher in those who felt more support from their partner. Women also have lower blood pressure.

The production of both hormones is controlled by the hypothalamus, but this part of the brain is also responsible for assessing the situation in which a person finds himself and the subsequent reaction. Perhaps, from a feeling of loneliness, the hypothalamus gives a command to the endocrine system, the resulting hormones send signals to other parts of the body, because of this, the defense weakens, it becomes more difficult to survive. Is it really? Surely other parts of the brain, other hormones, other body systems are also involved, but the studies carried out are not enough to give a definitive answer.

On this topic

On the other hand, it is clear that loneliness is a serious medical problem. In 2015, Julianne Holt-Lunstad and her colleagues analyzed 70 studies involving almost 3.5 million people. The results were not as sensational as Berkman and Syme 40 years ago, but still disturbing: compared to the rest, the risk of dying in lonely people (those who feel lonely) is 26% higher; for those who objectively have few connections, by 29%; and among those living alone - by 32%, and middle-aged people are at greater risk than pensioners. This is comparable to the harm from smoking, obesity, drug use.

The conclusions of this and several other works of Holt-Lunstad made a lot of noise, and she was even called to give a report before the US Congress. In the UK, they went further and adopted a state program to combat loneliness. How many people are missing friends and relatives, it is difficult to say for sure, but, according to various estimates, in developed countries the number goes to tens of percent.

We have a similar situation: according to Rosstat, published in March 2019, loneliness occurs in 6.9% of Russians, in another 18.6% it occurs rather than not. This means that when you look up from the screen, you will surely catch the eye of someone with cats scratching their souls. Doctors do not yet have strict recommendations about helping single people. But you don't have to be a scientist to notice: sometimes a simple call or a walk after work dispels the blues. These seemingly small things are much more powerful than they seem. However, it was not for nothing that so much was said about friendship even before epidemiologists became interested in it.

Marat Kuzaev

Accept your loneliness | PSYCHOLOGIES

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Man among menKnow thyselfLoneliness

Loneliness seems to be stigmatized. Many of us would rather admit to being depressed than to being lonely. The reason for this is the fear of being judged. We are afraid to look strange or losers and therefore do not talk about feeling abandoned or excluded from society.

Lack of freedom in discussing this topic only exacerbates the problem and how we perceive it. If we judge ourselves for being alone, it is even more difficult to take steps to change the situation. Then we start beating ourselves up for not doing anything.

The same unpleasant feeling that we experienced when they did not want to take us to the school team, it seems, remains with us into adulthood. Only the reasons and situations change. We often think that if I have no friends, then something is wrong with me. The media often labels front-page killers as loners, and this only reinforces the fear of condemnation.

In fact, this feeling is not directly related to the number of friends. This is an inner experience. It is experienced by those who really do not communicate much, and those who are surrounded by people.

Loneliness is not the same as solitude. Solitude means being alone by choice, willing to be alone, and feeling comfortable in that state. Loneliness involves discomfort and a desire to feel connected to others.

Everyone has their own loneliness

Even an active life and the presence of acquaintances do not save many of us from loneliness. Hundreds or even thousands of “friends” on social networks do not guarantee that there is someone with whom you can watch a movie or have a cup of coffee together. One of the most poignant experiences can happen when we are surrounded by a crowd of strangers, or even in the company of a partner or friend with whom we have lost intimacy.

If we don't have a romantic relationship or someone to spend our holidays with, we feel lonely. And if we feel loss or spiritual emptiness, too. To experience this state means not to be in important relationships with others, with the world, with life itself.

Three facets of loneliness

John Cacioppo and William Patrick's book Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection identifies three factors that describe this condition.

1. Level of need for socialization

Each of us has a basic need to be included in society, and the personal level of this need is individual. Finding a satisfying socialization format can be difficult.

2. The ability to self-regulate emotions

This means how you deal with feelings not only outwardly but also deep down. We all get frustrated when our communication needs are not met. With prolonged loneliness, sadness turns into chronic sadness. The pain that we experience at the same time directly depends on how capable we are of emotional self-regulation.

Constant discouragement can make it impossible for us to correctly assess the intentions of others. We may think that we are being rejected, even though we are not.

Learning to accept and deal with our feelings without blaming ourselves or others and finding ways to deal with the problem will help reduce the harm that loneliness does to us.

3. Expectations and ideas about other people and their actions

Being alone does not mean that we do not have normal socialization skills. But the feeling of loneliness causes the inability or unwillingness to use them. It seems to us that we are doing everything possible to strike up friendships and feel belonging to society, but we do not receive a response.

This causes frustration, and over time it affects our mood when interacting with people. We come to negative conclusions, we judge others if we are faced with criticism. And when anger and resentment arise, we push others away more and more.

Sometimes lonely people experience difficulties in communication because they consider themselves inadequate or insignificant. Shame for ourselves—for who we are—prevents connection with others.

Emotional instability can lead to loss of a sense of security. Seems like danger is everywhere0105

Those who have been single for a long time may experience fear for various reasons. The fear of intrusion leads to closeness and an inability to show one's true self. But if no one knows what we are, then how do we get rid of loneliness? Even body language — an insecure posture and an unfriendly facial expression — can turn others off without us even realizing it. Desperate for closeness, we shout to the world, "Stay away!"

Emotional instability can lead to loss of a sense of security. It seems that danger is everywhere. In this state, it is difficult to adequately perceive other people and their actions.

Everyone gets lonely from time to time

Lonely people feel that this is an abnormal condition, that their situation and experiences are unique. However, almost everyone experiences this feeling at least sometimes, for example, after graduation from school or when moving to a new city. We are social beings, so this temporary feeling is part of life. It's amazing, but we value love, intimacy, and social connections as sources of happiness more than wealth or fame.

Only 22% of people have never experienced this condition. One in ten respondents feel it often. Notice how many famous songs about loneliness and books about how to deal with it. This means that this problem is universal. But, plunging into our own suffering, we rarely notice those who find themselves in a similar situation. Our attention is riveted to those to whom life has given what we so passionately desire.

Those who, as a result of suggestion, believed that they were lonely showed the same traits as those who were actually so

In a recent study, scientists compared two groups: the first included students who felt a strong connection with other people, in the second, those who had a high indicator of loneliness. Members of the second group were characterized by shyness, anxiety, hostility, pessimism, fear of negative evaluation, depression and other characteristics.

At the next stage, the subjects were hypnotized: some were told that they were lonely, others that they were highly socialized. Those who, as a result of the suggestion, believed that they were lonely showed the same traits as those who were so in reality.

What is the use of being alone?

If physical pain protects our body from destruction, then loneliness as "social" pain can protect us from the danger of isolation. It encourages us to change our behavior and pay more attention to relationships that are essential for survival.

The idea that loneliness is a kind of "social pain" has been confirmed in fMRI studies. When we experience rejection, the same area of ​​the brain is activated as when we experience physical pain. Loneliness is a deeply destructive and painful condition that can become chronic. When this happens, we can no longer get close to people and change the situation.

Stop judging yourself

What to do? First of all, you should stop judging yourself for this state: self-blame is ineffective and wrong. It’s completely normal to experience this feeling in the absence of a meaningful relationship.

There can be many reasons for this situation. In today's mobile and busy society, the task of building relationships has become more difficult. Accepting our loneliness as a normal state can help us direct our energy towards solving the problem.

Even if we can communicate, the task of "getting out to people" sometimes seems overwhelming. Loneliness does not necessarily mean poor socialization skills. It can lead to depression and a desire to isolate from everyone.

Loneliness from childhood is strongly associated with the loneliness of an adult, it could cause a special sensitivity to this state

A feeling of deep loneliness can visit us for many years. Some researchers believe that its roots are in the experience of a lack of love in early childhood. Physical features or mental disorders that have caused discrimination and exclusion are also often accompanied by it.

This feeling may come after problems at school, perhaps even bullying. It is also born in situations where the child has no one to dine with or play on the playground. A mismatch of interests also leads to it - for example, a passion for sports, when the whole environment is concerned only with computer games.

Someone may have experienced separation from their only friend as a child due to a move or a quarrel. That loneliness from childhood, apparently, is strongly associated with the loneliness of an adult, it could cause a special sensitivity to such a state.

You can find a lot of advice on how to socialize and come to a sense of satisfaction. And the first and main thing is to accept your loneliness without judgment.

By Karin Hall, psychotherapist, author of Emotionally Sensitive People. How to find peace when emotions overwhelm.

Text: Elena Sivkova Photo Source: Getty Images

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