What does it mean to hold a grudge

5 Ways to Stop Holding Grudges and Move On I Psych Central

Holding a grudge can be harmful to your physical and mental health. But there are strategies you can try to help you move past your anger and hurt feelings.

Holding a grudge happens when you can’t let go of feelings of anger or resentment toward someone who wronged you.

It can be in response to something that actually happened or a perceived threat or action against you.

When you feel that someone’s hurt you, it’s difficult to move past it right away — or ever. You may constantly think about that person or the incident, playing it over and over in your mind.

Holding these negative feelings and ruminating on them can affect you physically and emotionally. But there are ways to help you let go of your grudges and move on.

Research has found that holding grudges can be harmful to your health.

A 2009 study found that holding grudges was associated with poor physical health. People who reported “bearing grudges for years” were more likely to have medical issues such as heart disease, stomach ulcers, and chronic pain.

Holding grudges can often mean holding anger and stress.

A 2021 large-scale study analyzed the daily emotional responses of over 20,000 people and found that “intense high-arousal negative emotions” such as anger and stress were associated with higher blood pressure (BP) and heart rate (HR) reactions.

On the other hand, “low-arousal positive emotions” such as calmness and serenity were associated with decreased blood pressure and heart rate reactions.

A 2016 study suggests that BP and HR reactivity can increase a person’s chance of developing high blood pressure and heart disease, as well as having lower cognitive function later in life.

Ruminating about past conversations and hurts has also been found to affect your mental health. A 2020 review found that ruminating can prolong and worsen negative moods and make you more vulnerable to mental health conditions such as depression and anxiety.

In a 2021 analysis, researchers examined why we hold grudges.

The researchers found six main components of holding a grudge, including:

a need for validation
moral superiority
an inability to let go
latency
severing ties
expectations of the future

If you’re having trouble moving past lingering anger and resentment, you can learn how to stop holding a grudge, heal, and move on. Here are some strategies you can try.

Meditation

Meditation has many science-based benefits, such as:

reducing stress
managing anxiety
improving emotional health
increasing self-awareness

These benefits can help you regulate your anger and stress while promoting calm and relaxation.

A regular meditation practice may help you work out some of the emotions behind your grudge, and over time help make those feelings more manageable.

There are several types of meditation you can try. Apps such as Calm and Headspace can help you ease into a meditation practice.

Journal

Journaling can be a great way to work through your feelings.

Getting your feelings out on paper can help take away some of their power. Try to write down everything that comes into your head about the other person.

A journal is a safe space for you to let out your feelings, and no one gets to see it but you.

There’s no time constraint or pressure with a journal. You can write in it as often or as little as you want.

Over time, you may be able to process your feelings around the grudge and start to move past it.

Write a letter but don’t send it

This classic therapeutic exercise can help you get your anger and resentment out in a healthy way.

Consider writing a letter addressed to the person you’re holding a grudge against. Don’t hold back. Be brutally honest about your feelings — don’t worry, they won’t ever read it.

After writing this letter, many people feel like a load has been lifted off their minds. The mere act of getting these feelings out can be just as satisfying as actually sending the letter.

To really help put the grudge to rest, destroy the letter — rip it up, bury it, or soak it in water until it disintegrates. As you watch your letter disappear, imagine your grudge is disappearing with it.

Change your perspective

Sometimes, we get so obsessed with a grudge that we develop a sort of tunnel vision. Even months or years later, we’re so committed to our anger that we start to lose perspective.

Try to step out of your own feelings for a moment and think about how the other person feels.

Did they intentionally hurt you? Does your grudge stem from a pattern of feeling disrespected by this person? Is it possible their intentions were good, even if their actions had negative consequences for you?

Maybe it really was a one-time mistake.

This doesn’t help in every circumstance, of course. You’re entitled to your feelings, and you certainly don’t have to let this person back into your life. But it can be helpful to frame the situation in a new light.

Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes.

Can you think of something cruel or thoughtless or impulsive you said or did in the past? Something you regret, that still makes you cringe and wonder why you acted that way? Is there someone in your past who holds a grudge against you?

Maybe the person you’re holding a grudge against also feels guilty and regretful. Perhaps their hurtful actions stemmed from their own issues, and they would take it back if they could.

None of this excuses their behavior, but it may help you understand and start to make peace with it.

Practice forgiveness

Not forgiving the person who wronged you is the essence of holding a grudge. If you forgive, you may be able to let go of your grudge and start to move on with your life. Of course, that’s easier said than done.

Forgiving doesn’t mean you forget what happened, or that you’ve decided it wasn’t actually that bad. It simply means that you’re choosing to move on.

A 2021 study concluded that a greater level of forgiveness is associated with lower stress and better mental health.

But forgiveness isn’t always possible in every situation. If you’re a survivor of abuse or trauma, the concept of forgiveness can be a complex topic to discuss.

Consider reaching out to a mental health professional for guidance on forgiveness as it relates to you and your unique situation.

Holding grudges is a common human phenomenon. It’s OK to be upset, angry, or sad when you feel that someone has hurt you.

If you’re holding a grudge and it’s affecting your mental or physical health, you’re not alone.

By devoting a little time and effort to letting go of your grudge, you can let go of these painful feelings and start to feel better.

If you need additional help, consider reaching out to a mental health professional. They can provide you with helpful tools to manage your emotions and even resolve conflict if possible.

If you’re unsure where to start, you can check out Psych Central’s hub on finding mental health and support.

Hold a grudge Definition & Meaning

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see bear a grudge.

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Words nearby hold a grudge

Holbrook, HOLC, hold, hold a candle to, not, hold against, hold a grudge, hold a gun to someone's head, holdall, hold all the aces, hold at bay, holdback

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What does

hold a grudge mean?

To hold a grudge is to have and maintain a feeling of anger, bitterness, or resentment toward someone for something they did, especially a wrong that you think they committed against you.

The word grudge is typically used to refer to such a feeling when it has been held for a long period of time—often longer than is considered normal.

For that reason, grudge is often used in phrases like hold a grudge and others that mean the same thing, including nurse a grudge, bear a grudge, and harbor a grudge.

Grudges are usually directed toward people, but a person can hold a grudge against a group or an entity like a company or organization. The word grudge is often followed by the word against and whom or what the grudge is directed toward, as in Your father still holds a grudge against that pizzeria for getting his order wrong that one time.

Example: She has held a grudge against me ever since I beat her in the spelling bee in fifth grade.

Where does

hold a grudge come from?

The phrase hold a grudge has been used since at least the early 1900s. The first records of the word grudge come from the 1400s. It comes from the Old French grouchier, which means “to grumble” and is also the basis of the word grouch. Grudge is probably related to the Middle High German word grogezen, meaning “to complain, cry out.”

When a person holds a grudge, it’s often due to treatment or an action that’s considered unforgivable by the person holding the grudge. Usually this involves a personal slight (or perceived personal slight), but a person can hold a grudge against someone they don’t even know. A lot of grudges are held for petty reasons, including things that the supposed wrongdoer doesn’t even know that they did. The opposite of holding a grudge can be thought of as forgiving and forgetting (or letting it go).

Did you know ... ?

How is

hold a grudge used in real life?

People are known to hold a grudge for all kinds of reasons.

If you still hold a grudge against someone for what they did to you a year prior, grow up. Let it go. Move on past it instead of holding onto it. Be the better person

— ChillCat Tyler (@TylerFurlong86) October 23, 2020

You think you hold a grudge? I still hold a grudge against the Dodgers for leaving Brooklyn and I wasn't even born then.

— Bernie Would Have Won (@KevinPDempsey) October 28, 2020

if i'm being quite honest i've literally been holding a grudge against someone who didn't even really do anything to me for years now

— this is life (@_mindofaloner) November 12, 2013

Try using

hold a grudge!

Is hold a grudge used correctly in the following sentence?

Do you really still hold a grudge against me for eating your doughnut seven years ago?

How to use hold a grudge in a sentence

Blacks would hold about 13 percent of the seats and Latinos 17 percent.
The Unbearable Whiteness of Congress|Dean Obeidallah|January 8, 2015|DAILY BEAST
ROME — What does it take for a Hollywood A-lister to get a private audience with Pope Francis?
Pope Francis Has the Pleasure of Meeting Angelina Jolie for a Few Seconds|Barbie Latza Nadeau|January 8, 2015|DAILY BEAST
Tomorrow they should hold placards of the cartoons Charlie Hebdo had printed.
Ayaan Hirsi Ali: Our Duty Is to Keep Charlie Hebdo Alive|Ayaan Hirsi Ali|January 8, 2015|DAILY BEAST
Yeah, the “Giant man-puppy” that is Gronkowski won't hold a sexual candle to the blue-eyed dreamboat.
‘A Gronking to Remember’ Speed Read: 8 Naughtiest Bits|Emily Shire|January 7, 2015|DAILY BEAST

But how much they have regained or how durable their hold is remains unclear.
Pentagon Doesn’t Know How Many People It’s Killed in the ISIS War|Nancy A. Youssef|January 7, 2015|DAILY BEAST
Most of the men leaped up, caught hold of spears or knives, and rushed out.
The Giant of the North|R.M. Ballantyne
He was too drowsy to hold the thought more than a moment in his mind, much less to reflect upon it.
The Wave|Algernon Blackwood
Now-a-days it is the bankrupt who flouts, and his too confiding creditors who are jeered and laughed at.
Glances at Europe|Horace Greeley
He felt himself the meanest, vilest thing a-crawl upon this sinful earth, and she—dear God!
St. Martin's Summer|Rafael Sabatini
All that scientific bric-a-brac in the cupboard had far better be thrown away.
The Salvaging Of Civilisation|H. G. (Herbert George) Wells

Meaning, Definition, Suggestions . What is holding a grudge

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Examples

Meaning of the word "HOLD"

Taking in hands (in the teeth, in the mouth, etc. ), grasping for something, not letting it fall out, breaking out.

See all meanings of the word HOLD

The meaning of the word "offense"

Unfairly caused grief, insult, as well as the feeling caused by such grief.

See all meanings of the word OFFENSE

Sentences with “hold a grudge”

But I think his son will understand this, and will not hold a grudge, will not feel abandoned, I think.
But why hold a grudge against your brothers?
Being in our position, holding a grudge can be a hindrance, don't you think?
It's unproductive to hold a grudge for a behavior you did yourself.
Other results
My brother doesn't hold grudges.
So I told him I don't hold grudges.
China paid tribute to the departed Soviet leader, but held a series of grievances that were soon to boil over.
His response was a detailed review of Russia's relations with the European powers, which was filled with grievances against the West.
We need to stick together. No one will hurt you, love.
He tried to stay close to him, insisting on sitting next to him, and looked at him whenever especially offensive remarks reached their ears.
If it's nothing personal, you won't hold a grudge against me after we win.
You held a grudge against Mason Villon for 15 years, humiliated him on the air and caused him death as a result of revenge?
Accept this offense and keep everything to yourself.

One of them was Scaletail and the other two were eviscerators, which I personally hold a grudge against.
I do think that, as many editors have pointed out, you hold a personal grudge and your claims are childish.
She rarely holds a grudge and is always ready to forgive anyone who harms her...unless, of course, Katie is involved in this matter.
I do not forgive you, but I do not hold grudges.
Better to keep it to yourself until it becomes a hard ball of anger and resentment.
Probably, over time, they accumulated resentment against each other, and instead of discussing what bothers them, they kept everything to themselves, and hatred arose from this.
All these claims for influence in the region are based on a feeling of anger and resentment for past wrongs.
I, on the other hand, never hold a grudge.
Always, no matter how friendly people are at first, it just comes to the point, and all sorts of grievances and scores come up.
I don't allow old grudges to continue.
Buzz-off tends to hold grudges, but his partnership with Stratos paved the way for peace between the peoples of Andreenos and Avion.
When Luanne discovers that his life is in danger because of a personal grudge held by a recently released bandit, she tries to protect him.
Byron also kept a pet bear when he was at Trinity, out of resentment against rules against pet dogs, such as his beloved Boatswain.

This page provides the definition (meaning) of the phrase / expression "hold a grudge", as well as synonyms, antonyms and sentences, if they are available in our database. We strive to make the English-Grammar.Biz explanatory dictionary, including the interpretation of the phrase / expression "hold a grudge", as correct and informative as possible. If you have suggestions or comments about the correctness of the definition of "hold a grudge", please write to us in the "Feedback" section.

What is resentment, how do we perceive it, and how does this feeling affect our psycho-emotional background?

How often have you resented someone? Everyone at least once in their hearts, but they will say: “Why are you doing this to me? Do I really deserve this kind of treatment? Do you remember the feeling at that moment? Perhaps you were hurt, you were upset, you felt empty and lost confidence. The more unstable the psyche, the more he is hurt by barbs and jokes, and the longer and “brighter” he experiences them. At the same time, the one who is offended spoils health. And this is a proven fact. In this article, we will understand what resentment is and why release from resentment is needed. Psychologists will give advice on how to forgive an offense and let go of the past.

Why do we get offended?

First of all, resentment is a combination of various negative feelings - from anger to ignoring. This is a general condition, which is accompanied by a feeling of helplessness, devastation and injustice. These are always negatively colored emotions. Some may feel angry, upset, heartless, and hurt. Each person will have a different reaction to the situation that has occurred - a feeling of injustice, anger and self-pity.

As a rule, behind the resentment there is a discrepancy between our expectations from the actions of another and his real actions. That is, we do not get the reaction that we would like to receive, and sometimes even the opposite.

Example Patient Tatyana, 40 years old, consulted a psychologist. She has been married for 10 years, but recently she began to notice that she perceives any negative word spoken by her husband as criticism against her. Sometimes she can not talk to her beloved spouse for several days. Tatyana believes that these are signs of a crisis, she first feels a strong anger at her husband, and then, when she “cools down”, she has a feeling of pity for doing this and ignoring her husband’s attempts to reconcile. She wants to learn to forgive people (primarily a man), not react so sharply to words and stop making the same mistakes in a relationship. The psychologist recommended Tatyana to keep a diary, write down all the situations and emotions that arise in it, do certain exercises in order to forgive the person.

Negative feelings are a poison that poisons our body and spoils our health. Those negative emotions that we feel when we accumulate old grievances in ourselves, corrode our soul day after day. We can become more emotional, whiny, gloomy and eternally dissatisfied with life. Living with a negative feeling, we expose ourselves to chronic stress, and, therefore, psychological disorders.

But at the same time, resentment is a normal reaction of the body. Especially often soft people with low self-esteem “suffer” from insults. They cannot object to the causticity and accumulate all the anger, sadness, jealousy in themselves.

Important! In order not to get sick after experiences, not to be weak and vulnerable to infections, one must forgive the offender (person) and free oneself from negative energy.

Offense functions. What does she mean to us

As we have already said, although resentment has a negative color and causes only negative emotions, this feeling can be said to be useful for a person.

A harmonious and psychologically mature person can notice the feeling of annoyance in time and analyze it.

We can hold a grudge against a loved one because:

we want to tell him something, to draw attention to ourselves (signal function)
we want to avoid something or, conversely, achieve (protection function)
we are only taught to communicate in this way and, unfortunately, we don’t know how to communicate in another way (a kind of communication takes place)

For a strong and mature personality, annoyance and disappointment are a marker of a weak point, an opportunity to look at oneself from the outside and evaluate actions.

When we cannot bear the hurt, we provoke the other to take certain actions. We need to:

A close person changed his behavior, apologized, compensated for our hurt feelings with something
The person satisfied some of our needs, and if this does not happen, we are even more offended and angry in the hope that by doing so we will force the other to do what we need.

How we feel depends on whether real damage has been done. The main thing you need to control is the time spent in these feelings. It’s not worth it to be offended for a long time and worry too much.

How to learn to let go of resentment

They say that forgetting a grudge and forgiving a person is the easiest way. But if you have forgotten the hurt (consider that you "swallowed" it), then you have not experienced these feelings. Keeping negative feelings in your soul means spoiling your health. Here are some ways you can safely live your life of resentment release.

How to let go of resentment	Psychologist's advice
Analyze the situation	Ask yourself: "Why am I offended"? Maybe you want to attract attention or achieve some kind of action in this way? Punish for something or teach a lesson? Is it possible to achieve this in your case in another way? Is it worth waiting for the expected reaction or is it better to switch attention to something else?
Do not demonize or idealize the offender	You should not “wind up” yourself and attribute non-existent qualities to a person. You should not blame him for all the "mortal sins" and, on the contrary, idealize the offender, belittling his own dignity.
Accept the person for who they are	Let the person be himself, with his pluses and minuses. Accept the fact that, like anyone else, he can make mistakes.
Write a letter of anger	Paint "in colors" everything that you are angry with, what you feel. Let the flow of anger come out on paper. Don't try to write in a structured way, just write non-stop what comes to mind first, don't pick your words. After that, without rereading your manuscript, burn it, throw it away, or tear it up. Never give it to anyone.
Compose a letter of resentment	2-3 days after the anger letter, write a more structured letter. Approach the text more thoughtfully. Write what you are offended by. Don't give it to anyone. After writing, also tear or burn the letter.
Write a reply letter	After another 2-3 days, write a letter-answer to yourself on behalf of the person who hurt you. This will be difficult enough to do, but imagine that your abuser read your letter and answered you. What would he write back to you?
Learn to stand up for your opinion and not fall into the role of a victim	If you take on the role of a victim, then you will “store” all the aggression in yourself. Learn to defend your personal boundaries, opinions and protect interests.
Forget about revenge	The revenge plan takes away your strength and shifts the focus from you to another person. You are living someone else's life.

There is no need to respond to aggression and attacks with retaliatory aggression. To protect your boundaries, you can calmly say: “I don’t like this because . ...”, “You can’t do this to me, this is not acceptable to me.”

Sign up for an online consultation if you are stuck with resentment, can't forgive a friend, and have a deep dislike for the person. Our psychologists will help you cope with destructive feelings, teach you the right technique for letting go of resentment, and tell you how to remove psychological blocks.

FAQ

How to forgive a man for an offense?

First, analyze why you are offended and what you are actually hiding behind this feeling. Did the person intentionally want to offend you? Or did he just not know what to do? What does being angry with a guy mean to you? Do you want him to ask for forgiveness or act in a certain way? After you honestly answer these questions to yourself, write a letter according to the advice above and write down all the feelings in it.

Can't quickly forgive insults? This is fine?

Yes, it is normal. Each person experiences disappointments and other similar feelings differently and for as long as he sees fit. The main thing is not to accumulate negative feelings in yourself, so as not to harm your health. Learn to defend your boundaries so that you don’t get offended once again.

How not to be angry with a friend?

Answer yourself the question: “Why am I offended”? "What are my true feelings"? Apply the advice of a psychologist indicated in this article. If you did everything right, then you can easily let go of negative feelings.

What gives us resentment in a relationship?

In some cases, resentment gives us hope that something can be changed, a person can be changed, events can be changed, the behavior of another can be changed. But it's not. Sometimes it's an opportunity to hold on to a relationship with a person that you don't need to hold on to. The role of the victim is not the best role in a relationship.

Expert opinion

Resentment is a ticking time bomb that slowly destroys your physical and emotional health. A person is successful only when he is able to gently and safely live through difficult periods and situations in life.

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Article author

Monakhova Albina Petrovna clinical psychologist

Experience 17 years

Consultations 1439

Articles 292

Specialist in clinical psychology.

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