Ways to move on from a broken heart

32 Tips for Moving Forward

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Heartbreak is a universal experience that comes with intense emotional anguish and distress.

While many people associate a broken heart with the end of a romantic relationship, therapist Jenna Palumbo, LCPC, emphasizes that “grief is complicated.” The death of a loved one, job loss, changing careers, losing a close friend — all of these can leave you brokenhearted and feeling like your world will never be the same.

There’s no way around it: healing a broken heart takes time. But there are things you can do to support yourself through the healing process and protect your emotional wellbeing.

It’s essential to look after your own needs after heartbreak, even if you don’t always feel like it.

Give yourself permission to grieve

Grief is not the same for everyone, says Palumbo, and the best thing you can do for yourself is to give yourself permission to feel all of your sadness, anger, loneliness, or guilt.

“Sometimes by doing that, you unconsciously give those around you permission to feel their own grief, too, and you won’t feel like you’re alone in it anymore.” You just might find that a friend’s gone through similar pain and has some pointers for you.

Take care of yourself

When you’re in the midst of heartbreak, it’s easy to forget to take care of your personal needs. But grieving isn’t just an emotional experience, it also depletes you physically. Indeed, research has shown that physical and emotional pain travel along the same pathways in the brain.

Deep breathing, meditation, and exercise can be great ways to preserve your energy. But don’t beat yourself up over it, either. Simply making an effort to eat and stay hydrated can go a long way. Take it slow, one day at a time.

Lead the way in letting people know what you need

Everyone copes with loss in their own way, says Kristen Carpenter, PhD, a psychologist in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Medicine at The Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center.

She advises being clear about whether you prefer to grieve privately, with the support of close friends or with a wide circle of people accessible through social networks.

Getting your needs out there will save you from trying to think of something in the moment, says Carpenter, and will allow someone who wants to be supportive to help you and make your life easier by checking something off your list.

Write down what you need (aka the ‘notecard method’)

How it works:

Sit down and make a list of what you need, including needs for tangible and emotional support. This could involve mowing the grass, grocery shopping, or simply talking on the phone.
Get a stack of notecards and write down one item on each card.
When people ask how they can help, hand them a note card or have them choose something they feel they can do. This relieves the pressure to articulate your needs on the spot when someone asks.

Go outdoors

Research has found that spending just 2 hours a week outdoors can improve your mental and physical health. If you can get out to some beautiful scenery, great. But even regular walks around the neighborhood can help.

Read self-help books and listen to podcasts

Knowing that others have gone through similar experiences and come out on the other side can may help you feel less alone.

Reading a book (we’ve got some recommendations later in this article) or listening to a podcast about your particular loss can also provide you with validation and be a supportive way for you to process your emotions.

Try a feel-good activity

Set aside time every day for doing something that feels positive, whether that’s journaling, meeting up with a close friend, or watching a show that makes you laugh.

Scheduling in moments that bring you joy is vital for healing a broken heart.

Seek professional help

It’s important to talk about your feelings with others and not numb yourself out. This is easier said than done, and it’s totally normal to need some extra help.

If you find that your grief is too much to bear on your own, a mental health professional can help you work through painful emotions. Even just two or three sessions can help you develop some new coping tools.

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After giving yourself some space to grieve and tending to your needs, start looking toward creating new routines and habits that can help you continue to process your loss.

Don’t try to suppress the pain

“Don’t waste energy on feeling ashamed or guilty about your feelings,” says Carpenter. Instead, “invest that energy in making concrete efforts to feel better and to heal.”

Consider giving yourself 10 to 15 minutes each day to acknowledge and feel your sadness. By giving it some dedicated attention, you may find it popping up less and less throughout your day.

Practice self-compassion

Self-compassion involves treating yourself with love and respect while not judging yourself.

Think of how you would treat a close friend or family member going through a hard time. What would you say to them? What would you offer them? How would you show them you care? Take your answers and apply them to yourself.

Create space in your schedule

When you are going through a difficult time, it can be easy to distract yourself with activities. While this can be helpful, make sure you’re still leaving yourself some space to process your feelings and have some down time.

Foster new traditions

If you’ve ended a relationship or lost a loved one, you may feel like you’ve lost a lifetime of traditions and rituals. Holidays can be particularly hard.

Allow friends and family to help you create new traditions and memories. Don’t hesitate to reach out for some extra support during major holidays.

Write it down

Once you’ve had some time to sit with your feelings, journaling can help you better organize them and give you a chance to unload any emotions that might be hard to share with others.

Here’s a guide to get you started.

Find a support system

Regularly attending or engaging in in-person or online support groups can provide a safe environment to help you cope. It’s also healing to share your feelings and challenges with those in similar situations.

Connect with yourself

Going through a big loss or change can leave you feeling a little unsure of yourself and who you are. You can do this by connecting to your body through exercise, spending time in nature, or connecting with your spiritual and philosophical beliefs.

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As you navigate the process of healing a broken heart, it’s helpful to have realistic expectations about the process. From pop songs to rom-coms, society can give a warped view of what heartbreak actually entails.

Here are a few things to keep in the back of your mind.

Your experience is valid

The death of a loved one is the more overt form of grief, Palumbo explains, but covert grief can look like the loss of a friendship or relationship. Or maybe you’re starting a new phase of your life by changing careers or becoming an empty nester.

Whatever it is, it’s important to validate your grief. This simply means recognizing the impact it’s had on your life.

It’s not a competition

It’s natural to compare your situation to that of others, but heartbreak and grieving aren’t a competition.

Just because it’s the loss of a friendship and not the death of a friend doesn’t mean the process isn’t the same, says Palumbo. “You’re relearning how to live in a world without an important relationship you once had.”

There’s no expiration date

Grief is not the same for everyone and it has no timetable. Avoid statements like “I should be moving on by now,” and give yourself all of the time you need to heal.

You can’t avoid it

As hard as it might feel, you have to move through it. The more you put off dealing with painful emotions, the longer it will take for you to start feeling better.

Expect the unexpected

As your grief evolves, so will the intensity and frequency of heartbreak. At times it will feel like soft waves that come and go. But some days, it might feel like an uncontrollable jolt of emotion. Try not to judge how your emotions manifest.

You’ll have periods of happiness

Remember that it’s okay to fully experience moments of joy as you grieve. Spend part of each day focusing on the present moment, and allow yourself to embrace the good things in life.

If you’re dealing with the loss of a loved one, this might bring up some feelings of guilt. But experiencing joy and happiness is crucial to moving forward. And forcing yourself to stay in a negative state of mind won’t change the situation.

It’s okay to not be okay

A profound loss, like the death of a loved one, is going to look vastly different from a job rejection, notes therapist Victoria Fisher, LMSW. “In both cases, it’s imperative to allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling and remember that it’s okay not to be okay. ”

Even if you’re doing everything you can to work through your heartbreak, you’ll probably still have off days. Take them as they come and try again tomorrow.

Seek self-acceptance

Don’t expect your suffering to go away sooner than when it’s ready. Try to accept your new reality and understand that your grief will take some time to heal.

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When you’re dealing with heartbreak, books can be both a distraction and a healing tool. They don’t have to be big self-help books, either. Personal accounts of how others have lived through grief can be just as powerful.

Here are some titles to get you started.

Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar

Cheryl Strayed, author of the bestselling book “Wild,” compiled questions and answers from her formerly anonymous advice column. Each in-depth response offers insightful and compassionate advice for anyone who’s experienced a wide range of losses including infidelity, a loveless marriage, or death in the family.

Purchase online.

Small Victories: Spotting Improbable Moments of Grace

Acclaimed author Anne Lamott delivers profound, honest, and unexpected stories that teach us how to turn toward love even in the most hopeless situations. Just be aware that there are some religious undertones in her work.

Purchase online.

Love You Like the Sky: Surviving the Suicide of a Beloved

Psychologist and survivor of suicide Dr. Sarah Neustadter provides a roadmap navigating the complicated emotions of grief and turning despair into beauty.

Purchase online.

The Wisdom of a Broken Heart: How to Turn the Pain of a Breakup Into Healing, Insight, and New Love

Through her gentle, encouraging wisdom, Susan Piver offers recommendations for recovering from the trauma of a broken heart. Think of it as a prescription for dealing with the anguish and disappointment of a breakup.

Purchase online.

On Being Human: A Memoir of Waking Up, Living Real, and Listening Hard

Despite being nearly deaf and experiencing the debilitating loss of her father as a child, author Jennifer Pastiloff learned how to rebuild her life by listening fiercely and caring for others.

Purchase online.

The Year of Magical Thinking

For anyone who’s experienced the sudden death of a spouse, Joan Didion offers a raw and honest portrayal of a marriage and life that explores illness, trauma, and death.

Purchase online.

No Mud, No Lotus

With compassion and simplicity, Buddhist monk and Vietnam refugee Thich Nhat Hanh provides practices for embracing pain and finding true joy.

Purchase online.

How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days: A Day-by-Day Guide to Saying Good-bye and Getting On With Your Life

Howard Bronson and Mike Riley lead you through recovering from the end of a romantic relationship with insights and exercises meant to help you heal and build resilience.

Purchase online.

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

Through her heartfelt, honest storytelling, Brené Brown, PhD, explores how we can strengthen our connection to the world and cultivate feelings of self-acceptance and love.

Purchase online.

The hard truth of going through loss is that it can change your life forever. There will be moments when you feel overcome with heartache. But there will be others when you see a glimmer of light.

For some grief, as Fisher notes, “it’s a matter of surviving for a while until you gradually build a new, different life with an open space for the grief when it arises.”

Cindy Lamothe is a freelance journalist based in Guatemala. She writes often about the intersections between health, wellness, and the science of human behavior. She’s written for The Atlantic, New York Magazine, Teen Vogue, Quartz, The Washington Post, and many more. Find her at cindylamothe.com.

How to Get Over Heartbreak, According to Psychologists

Relationships

This too shall pass.

By Jenny McCoy

September 23, 2022

mjrodafotografia / Getty Images

On a scale of 1 to torturous, getting your heart broken is a solid “absolutely awful. ” Most of us have been there at some point, left wondering how to get over heartbreak. While there’s no surefire way to avoid a broken heart (unless you’re an unfeeling robot, of course), there is a way through it—even if, at the moment, you truly believe you’ll never be happy again.

Understanding how your mind works—and how to work it better—can be helpful after breaking up. “It’s important to understand that we humans come hardwired with the ability to experience pleasure from our intimate connections and pain form heartbreak,” says Nan Wise, PhD, a sex therapist, neuroscientist, relationship expert, and the author of Why Good Sex Matters: Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier, and More Purpose-Filled Life. “The oldest part of our brain, which we share with all mammals and many other animals, has a circuit of brain regions—the panic/grief/sadness system—that gets activated when we experience the loss of an important relationship.”

According to Dr. Wise, this means your body can very much feel the physical and emotional aftereffects of a breakup because our brains instinctually view relationships, and the resources they provide, as essential for survival. “When activated, this panic/grief/sadness system creates painful withdrawal-like symptoms: an ache in the heart, overwhelming sadness and despair, ruminations, regrets, and diminished enthusiasm for life,” explains Dr. Wise. “It is important to remember that heartbreak and subsequent grief are not pathological, but a normal part of being an emotional creature. It is just the dark side to our life-affirming ability to form loving, intimate connections.”

Here, Dr. Wise and other experts share advice for how to get over heartbreak.

1. Allow yourself to feel your feelings.

When somebody breaks up with you, you’re going to feel a flood of emotions, says Rebecca Hendrix, LMFT, a psychotherapist in New York City. “It’s a trauma. It’s a shock to your system.” And as with any type of emotional shock, “you want to be really gentle with yourself and you want to allow yourself to feel your feelings,” she says. After all, your feelings are there for a reason—they can help you move through difficult experiences, but only if you release them.

In the days following the breakup, allow yourself to cry and acknowledge that a breakup is like any other type of loss. With loss come five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. “You’re going to go through those in your own way, in your own time,” says Hendrix. And during the process, validate your feelings by saying things like “Why wouldn’t I feel like way?” and “Of course I’m experiencing this emotion.”

2. But don’t

become your feelings.

Though it’s important to express your feelings, it’s also important to stop short of becoming them, says Hendrix. So if you feel sad, let yourself wallow for a certain amount of time—say, an hour. Cry, scream, yell, journal, do whatever you need to do to let your emotions flow freely, she says. But when those 60 minutes are up, stop and move on to something else.

3. Cut off communication with your ex.

There’s a scientific reason heartbreak hurts so much: You actually go through withdrawal-like symptoms after a breakup because the feel-good hormones you got from your partner are suddenly gone, says Elle Huerta, founder of Mend, an app and online community designed to help people post-breakup. “When your partner is no longer there, you start to crave those feel-good hormones,” she explains. “If you give in to this feeling and see your ex again, you’ll struggle to move forward and find yourself stuck months and maybe even years later.” (That’s why Mend promotes a 60-day “ex detox.”)

Cutting off all contact in the beginning is healthy, agrees Hendrix. It allows you to break your attachment to your former partner. That said, there’s no hard-and-fast rule about contacting your ex, she says. Brief, occasional communication—like, “Hey, could we talk for a few minutes? I’m having a hard time with this”—could be okay. Just be cautious that those “innocent check-ins” don’t become a habit. “Every time you talk to them, you open up another energy tie between you, and your goal is to break those energetic ties, not to keep creating them,” says Hendrix.

4. Find a support system.

Call two or three people you really care about and let them know what you’re going through, says Hendrix: “A lot of people love you, and they want to support you, but often they don’t know how because you’re not telling them.”

Opening up to others may bring catharsis in return. “Most everyone has been on the receiving end of a breakup at one time or another, and commiserating with them, sharing experiences, getting counsel, being reminded you’re not alone, can be highly beneficial,” says Franklin A. Porter, PhD, a clinical psychologist in New York City.

5. Exercise.

Breaking a sweat may be the last thing you want to do when you’re wallowing, but trust: It can help just as much as watching those breakup movies, if not more. “The endorphins produced during exercise will help with the withdrawal symptoms post-breakup, and it also helps you build confidence in yourself,” says Huerta.

6. Try yoga or meditation.

If running on the treadmill isn’t your idea of how to get over someone, at least consider gentle movement activities like yoga or meditation. “Grief is experienced in the body,” says Dr. Wise. She suggests yoga to help your body release those emotions. “Grief is stressful and can temporarily dysregulate the autonomic nervous system, hence changes in your sleep, appetite, and concentration.” According to Dr. Wise, breath work—a big part of yoga and meditation practices—can help calm the activation of that system.

“Going through grief can be an opportunity to learn new wellness habits like the regular practice of yoga, mindfulness, exercise, and even honing the ability to create more resilience and resourcefulness,” she explains. “If you have challenges finding such a practice, consider using a HeartMath biofeedback device, which can help you reset your nervous system and decrease the adverse effects of stress.”

7. Remember what sucked.

A common response if you regret breaking up is to idealize the other person, says Hendrix. And while you don’t want to deny that there were good parts of your relationship, you also don’t want to fixate on them. To find the middle ground, write a list of all the negative aspects of your former partner or relationship and look at it on the reg. “This mental exercise helps counterbalance all the obsessive thinking you will probably be experiencing around what you miss about your ex and why they were so great—even if they weren’t,” says Huerta.

8. Take care of yourself.

All experts agree that taking care of yourself in the midst of heartbreak is key. Check in with yourself throughout the day, says Hendrix, and ask, What do I need? Maybe it’s a healthy salad, maybe it’s a hot bath, maybe it’s a phone call with a friend.

9. Don’t judge the length of your healing process.

“Don’t equate the time of healing with the time of your relationship,” says Hendrix. Even “almost” relationships can cause enormous heartbreak, says Huerta.

“A lot of times people are like, ‘Well, I was only with them for six months. Why am I devastated?’” says Hendrix. “Because you fell for them in six months and you’ve gotten super attached and you started spending every day and night together for a while. Your six months is like somebody else’s two years. So whatever you feel, honor that.” In truth, how long it takes to get over an ex depends on a variety of factors, including the narrative you tell yourself.

10. Don’t internalize the breakup.

In the aftermath of a difficult split, Dr. Porter says, avoid thinking, I’m not good enough—there’s something wrong with me. Instead, situate the problem in the relationship (if not in your partner), he says.

11. Identify and eliminate unhealthy behaviors.

Try to understand any impulses you may be having, like texting your ex, checking their Instagram every hour, or replaying every damn detail of your last weekend together. These urges are part of the natural withdrawal process that happens after heartbreak, but don’t let yourself overindulge in obsessive behaviors (like analyzing every aspect of your relationship until 4 a.m.), says Hendrix. If you find yourself spending significant time in this frame of mind, it might be wise to reach out to a coach or therapist for support.

12. Create new routines.

Realize that the breakup is likely going to cause voids in your life. Say you and your ex always went to the movies every Friday, says Hendrix. Now your Friday nights are wide open, but instead of wallowing alone, proactively call your friends and make plans.

13. Explore old—and new—interests.

Say you really enjoy the outdoors, but your ex didn’t, so while you were together, you cut back on your weekend hiking habit. Now that you’re single, give yourself permission to reconnect with that interest and also explore new hobbies. “The universe meets us at the point of action, and if we’re trying to heal, we have to take steps to heal,” says Hendrix.

Take intentional steps to move forward with your life, like joining a new gym, signing up for pottery class, or booking a trip with friends.

14. Accept that closure is something you may need to find on your own.

Sometimes you’re not going to get the closure you need from your ex, and you’ll have to find it on your own. If your former partner couldn’t explain the reason for the breakup, create your own healthy narrative. And if that isn’t enough to provide closure, consider talking with a therapist about how to heal a broken heart, says Hendrix.

15. If you decide to date, do so cautiously.

After getting your heart trampled, it can be tempting to instantly download a dating app and search for a rebound. But Hendrix warns against dating too soon after heartbreak. “You don’t want to push yourself before it’s time just to avoid feeling your feelings because, most likely, they’re going to come back to bite you,” she says. At the same time, reentering the dating scene could provide a healthy confidence boost for your bruised ego. Just be honest with yourself—and the people you’re dating—about where you’re at emotionally, she says. If you’re not fully over your ex and simply looking for a fun fling, say so.

16. Trust that the pain won’t last forever.

“However much pain you’re experiencing, try to believe that ‘this, too, shall pass,’ and have faith that on any given day, you could meet your special someone who’s truly right for you,” says Dr. Porter. When you’re in the thick of heartbreak, it can be hard to imagine that you could ever feel otherwise. But “time does tend to heal most, if not all wounds,” says Dr. Porter.

17. Down the road, reflect on the positive things.

In the long run, the breakup shouldn’t taint the whole relationship, says Dr. Porter. “As the pain subsides, consider the good you got out of it, embrace the excitement of new possibilities, and remind yourself how awesome you are.”

Topicsrelationshipslovebreakupsbreakup advice

health-fitness

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life hacks from a psychologist when parting with a loved one or death of a loved one

What to do, what to remember, and how to survive grief due to a breakup with a partner, the loss of a friend or the death of a loved one.

Anastasia Nikiforova

There is probably no person who has never experienced a broken heart. We usually associate this concept with the end of a romantic relationship, but grief is not an easy thing. The death of a loved one, the loss of a job, a career change, the loss of a close friend can break our hearts. All this leaves us confused and feeling that the world will never be the same again.

Contents of article

There is no magic patch for a broken heart - it will take time to heal. But there are practices that help support yourself and protect your emotional well-being. Here are some recommendations from psychotherapists and healthline.com.

How to take care of yourself

Even if your last concern is to think about your needs, taking care of yourself is important. A broken heart needs strength - and so do you.

Allow yourself to grieve

There is no one “universal” grief that everyone experiences in the same way. So the best thing you can do is give yourself permission to feel what hurts inside: sadness, anger, loneliness, or guilt.

And although we are all different, perhaps close people will be able to feel our pain, recognize something of their own in it and support us.

Take care of yourself

It is easy for a broken heart to distract us from our daily needs. But grief is not only an emotional experience, it drains you physically. Scientists have proven that physical and emotional pain use the same pathways in the brain, so feelings cannot be considered separately from the body.

Exercise, deep breathing, and meditation can help you deal with your feelings. But don't beat yourself up if you don't have the strength to do all this - just move in small steps, one day at a time. And don't forget to drink enough water.

Let others know what you need

Everyone deals with loss differently. Someone prefers to close completely, others have enough circle of friends, others live through feelings, sharing them with a large audience on social networks. Decide how it works for you and how other people can help - keep your distance, be in close contact or more distant, etc.

Write down things that can help you (“card method”)

How it works:

Make a list of what you need, including material and emotional support. This may include talking on the phone, hugging, helping with groceries, etc.
Take a stack of cards and write down one item on each.
When people ask how they can help, give them one of the cards or let them choose their own. Some people are not very good at comforting, but are brilliant in planning tasks, others are always ready to be in touch. Choosing from several ready-made items will allow your loved ones to understand how to help you, and it will unload your head, already clouded with worries.

Get outdoors

Research has shown that just 2 hours a week of fresh air improves our mental and physical health. It's great if you can take in the scenery while walking, but even just walking can help.

Read self-help books and listen to podcasts

Knowing that others have gone through and dealt with similar experiences can help reduce feelings of loneliness. Books and podcasts are a great way to accept and live your feelings.

Try to do something nice for yourself

Set aside time every day for something positive - watching a funny series or funny videos, meeting friends, reading a good book. Planning for moments that bring joy is vital to healing a broken heart.

Seek professional help

It is very important to talk about your feelings with others and not try to bury them in yourself. Easier said than done, so a meeting with a psychologist or psychotherapist may be helpful. Even two or three meetings may be enough.

Skills worth learning

Coping with grief is important, but it is also helpful to develop new habits and skills to help you overcome the loss.

Accepting your pain

Don't waste time feeling ashamed or guilty about your feelings, it's better to put all your energy into healing. Schedule 10-15 minutes a day to mourn well, this is normal in your situation. After a while, you may find that you want to do it less and less.

Self-compassion

This means treating yourself with love and respect, without judgment. Think about what you would say to a loved one who is going through difficult times, how would you show him that you care? This is how you should treat yourself.

Unloading the schedule

When we are in pain, it can be very difficult to focus on business. Keep this in mind when planning your work or social workload, leaving room for "feeling breaks."

Cultivating new traditions

If you end a relationship or lose a loved one, it may turn out that a whole piece of life full of rituals and traditions has gone with him (holidays are especially difficult).

Enlist the help of friends and family to create something new to replace what has been lost—traditions and memories.

Keeping notes

Writing in a diary or private blog can help you recognize and record feelings that you are not ready to share with other people.

Chat with a support group

This could be a social media group, forum or online support group. Regular communication in a safe environment, sharing feelings and experiences with those who have experienced similar things, can be very healing.

Getting in touch with soul and body

Experiencing loss or change can separate us from ourselves. You can return contact with the soul and body through physical exercises, walks in nature or meditation practices.

Things to remember

Our society, in movies and songs, has distorted ideas about how recovery from loss works. That is why it is so important to have realistic expectations.

Your experience is important

The death of a loved one is an obvious form of grief, but it can also be hidden, with the loss of a friendship or relationship. Even a career change or the departure of children from home can cause it.

The popular phrase “Children in Africa are starving” has never made anyone feel better. No one exclaimed, “Why am I crying, my problems are not problems at all in comparison with the problem of world hunger!”

It doesn't matter why you are in pain, what matters is that you are in pain. These feelings affect your life.

It's not a competition

It's natural to compare your experience with other people's, but grief is not a competition.

You can lose a friend to death, or you can lose a friendship, and the feelings will be very similar: you will have to learn to live in a world without important close relationships.

No expiration date in grief

Grief is not the same for everyone, it does not have a timetable like a train. Avoid those who say "it's time to move on" - you have the right to heal for as long as you need.

You can't avoid pain

No matter how hard it is, you have to go through it. The more you delay acknowledging your pain, feelings, and emotions, the further recovery is delayed.

Sometimes feelings will come over

As the experience of grief develops, the intensity of sadness will also change. Sometimes it will be soft waves coming and going, and sometimes feelings will overwhelm you, without any control. Don't judge yourself for the way your emotions show up.

You will have periods of happiness

It is perfectly normal to feel moments of joy even when you are sad. Focus on the present and allow yourself to accept the good things that are happening in life.

If you are experiencing the loss of a loved one, happiness may be accompanied by feelings of guilt. But joy is very important in order to move forward, and forcing yourself into negativity will not change the situation for the better.

It's okay to feel abnormal

Even if you do your best to heal your broken heart, sometimes there will be bad days. Take them for granted - you will continue healing tomorrow. It's normal to feel abnormal from time to time.

You'll need time

Don't expect your pain to go away before it's all gone. Try to accept the new reality and the fact that you will need time to process grief and heal.

What can you read?

Books help to distract and heal a broken heart, especially if they are personal stories about how other people experienced grief. Here are some stories that might help.

Strayed Cheryl — Beautiful little things. Inspirational stories for those who do not know how to live on
Lamotte Ann Small victories. How to Feel Happiness Every Day"
Joan Didion "The Year of Magical Thinking" Joan Didion
Nat Tit "Lotus grows from mud. How to transform suffering into happiness"
Brown Brené "Gifts of imperfection. How to love yourself just the way you are"

Have you had your heart broken?

Sadly, the hard experience of loss can change our lives forever. But pain follows light, so it's worth keeping moving forward. Survival time will end and a new life will begin , slightly different, but no less valuable.0003

How to get over a breakup and move on

March 16, 2021Relationships

Why do you feel so much pain, where does the desire for possession come from and how to deal with it all.

Iya Zorina

Author of Lifehacker, athlete, CCM

The pain of parting can last for several months. A person is visited by obsessive thoughts about a former partner, he longs for reunion and suffers. In this state, sleep and eating behavior can be disturbed, sometimes chest pain appears - the so-called broken heart syndrome.

Let's look at what goes on in the head of a person who has recently been dumped and why these experiences are so painful.

Why a person leaves, but attachment remains

Attachment to a person is formed with the participation of the hormone oxytocin. And the same hormone makes you suffer when the object of love leaves.

The level of oxytocin increases greatly during a relationship crisis. When one of the partners' feelings cool, the second, on the contrary, experiences a hormonal explosion. This mechanism continues to work when the relationship is terminated at the initiative of one of the partners. The abandoned person continues to feel affection due to the increased level of oxytocin, wants to be around, love and care. The inability to do this causes melancholy and even a real breakdown in lost love.

How withdrawal occurs

When you look at a photo of a former partner, the ventral tegmental area (VTA) is activated in the brain, a key element of the reward system. The VTA communicates with other brain structures using dopamine, a chemical that makes us crave pleasure.

VTA has nothing to do with cognitive processes and common sense. She wants, craves, burns with desire. Therefore, all your attempts to forget your partner are in vain.

The nucleus accumbens, the main pleasure center responsible for attachment and dependence, is also activated in sufferers in love. Both the VTA and the nucleus accumbens respond in the same way to cocaine, but the drug releases, but love does not. When you experience a breakup, activity in these areas does not decrease, and because you cannot get what you want, you suffer from withdrawal symptoms akin to cocaine withdrawal.

The joint work of the prefrontal cortex and the nucleus accumbens triggers the process of assessing loss and gain: you constantly think about what went wrong in your relationship, who is to blame, can everything be returned and how to do it. It is impossible to get rid of these thoughts, they come back again and again. At the same time, you experience mental pain, which can be compared with physical pain. And there is an explanation for this too.

Why does it hurt so much

Scientists have noticed that when a person looks at a photo of a former partner, an insula and somatosensory cortex are activated in his brain - structures responsible for transmitting information about physical pain. Their activation can predict the presence of pain by 88%.

A person with a broken heart does not feel physical pain, but at the same time he experiences spiritual or, if you like, mental pain.

Just like physical pain, mental pain cannot be ignored, there is no way to muffle it with painkillers or eliminate the cause.

Is everything so hopeless and only time heals a broken heart? It is, but at least you can do something to alleviate this condition.

How to cure unrequited love

Remove all reminders

If you have ever quit smoking, you know that you should not keep cigarettes and lighters at home during withdrawal. It is necessary to remove ashtrays and everything that reminds you of addiction from prominent places. Do the same with your love.

Remove all photos from screensavers, hide them in the farthest folder. Keep mementos and things that remind you of your loved one in your closet. Don't listen to music that meant something to your couple and don't go to your places.

Eliminate everything from your life that can cause a storm of memories and spur emotional pain.

Welcome the new

Now is the time to start something new: play a musical instrument, craft or cook, understand complex topics, learn new languages. Load your brain to the fullest - let it not have time for reflection and memories.

New unusual work requires a fair amount of brain resources and triggers the formation of new neural connections. This will help you get rid of obsessive thoughts about your ex.

Go in for sports

Physical activity will not only distract you, but also supply opioids to your distressed receptors.

Train at medium or high intensity. The first will help you enjoy and get used to physical activity, the second will help you get tired so that there is not a single thought left in your head except “survive at any cost”.

Communicate, even through force

After a painful breakup, you will probably want to isolate yourself from society in order to experience the experience alone.

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