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Unacceptable behavior from husband


25 Things You Should Never Tolerate in a Relationship

We all have a deep inner need to connect with other human beings. Researchers at Penn State University take this one step further and claim that love is a key component of well-being. For love to work, it needs open and honest communication. On the flip side, there are things you should never tolerate in a relationship.

Naturally, we all have different tolerance levels. This means that some of us can often forgive certain things that others might not. Regardless of what you’re willing to accept, we all still need to be valued and honored as human beings.

That’s why there are some common, unforgivable things in a relationship for you to look out for.

25 examples of unacceptable behavior in a relationship

When it comes to things not to do in a relationship, it doesn’t matter which culture and background you come from. There are, of course, subtle differences but ultimately, we are all human beings with similar needs and daily issues to deal with. Therefore, make sure you know this list of things you should never tolerate in a relationship in order to be happy.

1. Physical abuse

Couples rarely start out by hitting each other from day one which is why it can creep up on you. Often, things build up from an initial shove or slap and get to the point of unacceptable behavior in a relationship.

Sadly, many people stay with those partners even though it’s one of the key things you should never tolerate in a relationship. Why do people stay? The reasons are complex but range from fear to low self-esteem and lack of a supportive friends network.

Also, after a moment of abuse, the offending partner often turns on the charm and makes amazing excuses. They can be so good at this that you doubt yourself especially if you have no one to talk to. 

If this sounds like you, don’t hesitate to call your local helplines for domestic violence.

Related Reading: The Effects of Physical Abuse

2. Mental and emotional abuse

Things not to do in a relationship don’t just stop at physical abuse. Mental and emotional abuse can be more subtle, and examples include insulting you and generally undervaluing you. Either way, it destroys your self-esteem, and you end up second-guessing yourself and being overly emotional.

3. Stonewalling

Demeaning behavior in a relationship can involve ignoring your feelings and shutting you out. When someone stonewalls you, they refuse to answer you and might even walk away in mid-conversation.

Unfortunately, there are many potential causes, as described by psychotherapist Marni Feuerman, but if someone won’t have an open conversation and work on their behavior, you’ll come to a dead end.

4. Ignoring boundaries and needs

Great partnerships are built on a solid foundation of trust, respect, and mutual understanding of each other’s differences. That’s why things you should never tolerate in a relationship include someone purposefully ignoring your boundaries and needs.

Boundaries are guidelines for how you want to be treated and how your needs can be met. This impacts your mental health and, if ignored, will build up over time into resentment and even potential burnout. We all know instinctively that these are things you should never tolerate in a relationship.

5. Never apologize

We’ve all met those people who think the world revolves around them. So much so that if anything goes wrong, it’s always someone else’s fault. This is high on the list of things you should never tolerate in a relationship because any self-esteem you have will slowly erode away.

6. Manipulation and control 

Does your partner tell you what to wear, who to see and what to do? Do you ever feel that you’re doing things, perhaps hobbies when you prefer doing something else?

It isn’t always easy to spot manipulation, but deep down, you’ll know that something’s off and that these are things you should never tolerate in a relationship. Sometimes people manipulate or control by making others feel guilty or by withdrawing. Then, they ‘reward’ you with their so-called loving presence after you’ve given them what they want.

 7. Obsessive jealousy

No one wants to be in a relationship with someone worse than an overprotective Mum. Jealousy is an ugly thing and is up there on the list of things you should never tolerate in a relationship.

Of course, we’re all human with our moments of insecurity. Regardless, if your partner can’t communicate openly and calls you 10 times when you’re out with your friends, for example, then you have to ask yourself questions.

Related Reading: 15 Signs of Jealousy in a Relationship

8. Comparing irrationally

We all doubt ourselves at certain points during the day. The worst thing is if your partner then calls you out on those very things by comparing you to other women. After all, your partner is supposed to love you despite, or because of, your imperfections.

If they’re showing the opposite behavior, then perhaps they’re using you for some other motive?

9. Demeaning statements

Things you should never tolerate in a relationship include not being cared about. After all, if that’s the case, then what’s the point of the relationship? Essentially, insults or hurtful comments about you, your job, goals, family, or anything else just don’t come from a caring and loving partner.

10. Shaming

Do not tolerate disrespect. It’s really that simple, especially when someone judges you and criticizes you for your body or character traits. No one is perfect, least of all someone who shames you. Ultimately, respect is about accepting you without forcing you to be someone else.

11. Gaslighting

Manipulation of any form, including gaslighting, is on the list of unforgivable things in a relationship. In this case of gaslighting, partners deny they’re doing anything wrong and distort things so much that you question your reality. If you want specific examples, you must contact a therapist.

Also Try: Am I Being Gaslighted?

12. Break your trust

Most checklists of things you should never tolerate in a relationship include cheating. However, life isn’t always clear-cut, and sometimes, we are part of the problem. That’s why the overall arching word ‘trust’ is key.

Also, breaking your trust doesn’t just involve cheating. It could be bad-mouthing you behind your back or not following through on commitments without good reason. There’s actually a fine balance between trust and forgiveness but make sure you and your partner know what’s non-negotiable for you. Otherwise, you’ll fall into bad habits of things you should never tolerate in a relationship.

Trust is about valuing you and the relationship. Check out this summary video for a slightly different take on trust and other unacceptable behavior in a relationship:

13. Constantly making excuses for them

Is your partner never there for your work-dos? Perhaps they’re never around when you’re having a hard time?

If you find yourself constantly making excuses for their absence or any other behavior to your friends, you have a big clue. Ultimately, things you should never tolerate in a relationship involve not being there for you. Otherwise, you might as well be on your own.

14. Neediness and clinging

Any form of clinging can, quite simply, be suffocating. It also shows a lack of self-esteem and insecurity. This can be mentally challenging and exhausting to live with. Of course, nothing stops you from supporting them through therapy.

Although, make sure you know that it’s not your job to fix people and that you need to set very clear boundaries. These will help you avoid having to deal with things you should never tolerate in a relationship.

15. Lying

Long-lasting relationships are based on honesty and trust. If lying becomes the norm, then you’re on a downhill struggle. It goes back to the statement: do not tolerate disrespect. If lying starts, where does it end?

Before you know it, neither of you will know what reality means and who either of you is. Clearly, these are things you should never tolerate in a relationship.

 16. Hurtful comments

When your partner knows exactly what to say to make their words both hurtful and personal, you should reconsider things. Everyone deserves love and compassion. On the other hand, using what you know about someone to really cut them at the core is unacceptable behavior in a relationship.

17. Denying your friends

Strong, supportive relationships respect that you’re both a couple and individual people. That means having alone time and being able to see your friends both together and separately.

On the flip side, a partner can try to isolate you either because they’re needy or controlling. Either way, these are both examples of demeaning behavior in a relationship. One day, you’ll wake, and your friends will be long gone, as will any mental and emotional balance from your life.

 18. Dismissing your family

No one has a perfect family, but you don’t expect them to be insulted by your partner. It’s never a good sign if they never see your family. This might seem relatively harmless at first, but with time, you’ll see that your partner is at odds with your values and who you are. After all, like it or not, family defines us.

 19. Financial control, or lack of

Money is one of the easiest ways to control people, and it can go either way. You can have an overly controlling partner on the one hand who has the only access to your accounts.

Alternatively, you can have a partner who burns through all your money. The worst part is when they haven’t even touched their money. Then, one day, you wake up realizing you’ve paid for everything.

20. Refuse to compromise or negotiate

Being human means being imperfect. That’s also true for any relationship. In reality, it’s the couples who accept their imperfections and who want to grow and learn together that make it through. 

The perfect partnership means supporting each other to be the best version of themselves. That’s impossible to do with someone who won’t compromise or listen. 

21. Addiction without recovery plans

Many relationships work through addiction issues, whether these are substance, food, work, or any object of desire. Nevertheless, for things to function, the partner needs to be open and honest about their recovery.

Either way, it takes a huge leap of faith to support someone through such challenges, and it’s a fine line with things you should never tolerate in a relationship. Only you can answer the question as to whether it’s worth it.

22. The ‘slave’ treatment

Gone are the days of women cooking and slaving all day to make things ready for their husbands to return home from work. No one should ever feel like a slave at home. On the contrary, chores should be shared, and roles worked out together. It all comes back to open communication and life balance.

23. Constant negativity

Perhaps you can tolerate a certain amount of negativity if you are hugely positive yourself? After a while, it will drag you down. You’ll start getting frustrated, even to the point of yelling at each other and generally disrespecting each other.

Are tolerance and respect the same thing? Respect is about allowing others to believe what they feel is right, including positive views on life. On the other hand, tolerance is about allowing people to say and do what they want, up to your limit. Therefore, you need to know what’s acceptable to you when it comes to being surrounded by negativity.

Related Reading: 20 Signs of Disrespect in a Relationship and How to Deal With It

24. Grandiosity and entitlement

We all need self-pride and belief in ourselves to operate successfully in life. When these traits tip too far on balance and lead to self-centeredness and arrogance, you might want to reconsider your relationship.

Being with someone so focused on themselves and so demanding of others to meet their needs is both draining and unhealthy to your own self-esteem. Any behavior that impacts you negatively like that necessarily falls into the things you should never tolerate in a relationship.

25. Disrespect

Let’s go back to the question: are tolerance and respect the same thing? Consider the case of a partner who only tolerates you and, as such, spends most of their time judging you and invalidating your feelings. Naturally, you can’t get everything right in life, but that attitude doesn’t respect who you are as a person.

What you want is respect. This means that your partner does more than just tolerate that you might have differences in opinions. They also have high regard for you and all the qualities you bring to the relationship.

Everyone has something to offer. Appreciating and understanding that is the core to a successful partnership.

Conclusion 

No one wants to be taken for granted or used and abused in a relationship. Sadly, many of us find ourselves with unhealthy partners at one point or another. First, check this list for things you should never tolerate in a relationship, and be honest with yourself.

If any of these behaviors sound familiar, talk to your friends to help you let go of any guilt you might be feeling. Secondly, do what’s right for you with respect to the relationship. In the long run, you need to put yourself first to develop a healthy partnership based on mutual respect.

20 Things You Should Never Tolerate In A Relationship

You’ve probably heard the saying “love is blind.” And it can be true — sometimes romance makes it hard to see the signs that you’re in a bad relationship. Of course, no couple is perfect, but understanding which behaviors are major red flags of something unhealthy can help you find a fulfilling partnership, whether or not that’s with your current SO.

Deal-breaking behaviors can range from not being prioritized by your partner and feeling unlike yourself around them to physical, emotional, psychological, or sexual abuse. And when it comes to abusive and toxic relationships, it’s important to seek help from those you are close to, says sexologist Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D. “If there’s anyone you can reach out to, let them know you want support,” she tells Bustle. “You are not a burden.” If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org.

That said, it’s not necessarily just abuse that can constitute an unhealthy relationship dynamic — there are a variety of concerning patterns to watch out for, some of which might be subtle and at times difficult to recognize. It can sometimes be hard to know when things are getting to a place that calls for major attention, beyond just everyday issues you can work to resolve as a couple. But no matter your situation, there are plenty of relationship problems that you shouldn’t tolerate no matter what. Below, experts explain 20 things you shouldn’t put up with in your partnership.

1. Your Partner Exhibits Controlling Behavior

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Perhaps your partner tries to control what you do and when you do it. Or maybe they expect you to fall in line with their values, no questions asked. There are many ways your partner can be controlling, and these behaviors are not OK, says O’Reilly. “They want you to feel what they feel when they are experiencing something — they expect you to experience the same reaction,” she tells Bustle. “That person could be harmful or toxic to your lifestyle or safety.”

Of course, you and your partner’s lives, plans, and needs will intertwine to some extent. For example, if you and your SO share a child and they ask you to check in regularly for co-parenting purposes, that’s reasonable, says O’Reilly. But if they always need to know where you are and who you’re with for no apparent reason, that’s a red flag.

2. Your Partner Gaslights You

Gaslight is a 1944 mystery movie starring Ingrid Bergman as a newlywed. In the film, Bergman's husband is looking for hidden treasure in their house with the help of the attic’s gaslights, which causes every other light in the house to dim. When Bergman’s character addresses the issue, her husband insists she’s imagining things. From this film, the term “gaslighter” was born to describe a partner who tries to convince you that you are wrong or irrational.

Gaslighting is a common trait in controlling partners, says licensed counselor Nawal Alomari, LCPC. Your partner may try to convince you that your concerns are “ridiculous” or unfounded, or they might respond to your hurt feelings with, “it was just a joke,” or “lighten up.”

“When you feel something, they try and make you feel as though something’s wrong with you for feeling it,” O’Reilly says. “You’ve told them that [something] doesn’t feel good for you, and they’ve dismissed your remarks.” Although the self-doubt that gaslighting sows can be difficult to overcome, this behavior is toxic and reason enough to leave your relationship.

3. Your Partner Abuses You Emotionally Or Verbally

Controlling behavior can sometimes transition into an abusive relationship, which O’Reilly says can take the form of emotional or verbal abuse. Your partner may disparage you, make fun of you around other people, or gaslight you when you try to express how they make you feel. All of these behaviors are unacceptable, says O’Reilly. If your partner is treating you this way, she recommends speaking with a therapist or counselor to help you cope with the abuse and safely exit the relationship.

4. Your Partner Abuses You Physically

Another form of intimate partner violence is physical abuse, which O’Reilly says is absolutely grounds to leave your relationship. If your partner resorts to violence or hurts you in any way, she says to connect with a trusted loved one or professional to help you safely remove yourself from the situation.

5. Your Partner Makes You Feel Bad When You Don’t Want To Have Sex

Marital rape, or the raping of one’s spouse, wasn’t illegal in every US state until 1993. The majority of state criminal codes contained a “marital rape exemption,” essentially declaring rape between spouses to be impossible. As RAINN explains, these laws represented the ideology “that only stranger rape constituted ‘real rape’ or that forced sex is a ‘wifely duty.’” Although the crime is now recognized by law like other forms of sexual assault, it still occurs, is often not reported, and rapists are often not convicted. Our culture already makes it difficult for survivors to recognize and report rape, so it becomes even more difficult to understand your romantic partner as a rapist.

That’s why it’s important to recognize that partner or marital rape can happen in otherwise non-violent relationships, and to remember that consenting to a sexual act once does not mean consenting to that act for all time. If your partner pressures you to engage in unwanted sexual activities because it is your “duty” or because you “owe” them, the relationship is abusive, unhealthy, and unsafe. If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, you can call the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) or visit hotline.rainn.org.

6. You Don’t Feel Good About Yourself Around Your Partner

Your partner should bring out the best in you, says O’Reilly, so if you feel like the worst version of yourself around them, that’s a sign something’s not right. If your partner says or does things that make you feel like you shouldn’t be proud of yourself or confident in who you are, then they aren’t treating you with the respect you deserve.

A good litmus test: If your friends and family express concern over your partner’s behavior, then this likely isn’t the relationship for you, says O’Reilly.

7. Your Partner Isolates You

If your partner tries to control who you spend time with, that’s a red flag, says O’Reilly. Independence is a crucial part of any healthy relationship, so attempting to isolate you from your loved ones and hobbies is a sign that your partner is trying to assert their dominance at the expense of your happiness, personal relationships, and self-care, adds Alomari.

There are many explanations for why they behave this way, and all of them are bad. Your partner may know that your friends dislike the relationship for good reasons, and thus attempt to keep you away from people who will point out serious flaws and concerns. Or they may be insecure or jealous of your interactions with other people. But your personal relationships and lifestyle matter, so any partner who tries to take that away is not the one for you, says Alomari.

8. Your Partner Insists That You Change

Isolating you from friends isn’t the only red flag when it comes to controlling behavior, says Alomari. If your partner forces you to abandon your hobbies, certain personality traits, or other important aspects of your life, that’s also unacceptable. “If they make you feel like you have to give up the things that make you you, that’s a no,” she tells Bustle. “Someone who loves you for real will support your relationships and hobbies, and they will push you to feed that part of yourself because they want to see you happy.”

9. You Have Physical Reactions To Your Partner’s Behavior

Ever notice that you tense up when your partner is around? That’s another sign that the way they treat you puts you on edge, which O’Reilly says is no basis for a relationship. “The body responds to distress very instinctively,” she tells Bustle. “Check in with your body to see if it’s conscious of when they walk into the room.” If your body is indeed responding to your SO with stress, that’s a sign their behavior doesn’t make you feel at ease, which is grounds for a conversation or split.

10. Your Partner Invalidates Your Experiences

Like gaslighting, you should not tolerate a partner that tries to convince you that important parts of your history or lived experiences are insignificant or untrue. One example: If a woman expresses anger about the catcalling she frequently faces on the way to work, and her male partner brushes it off as “not a big deal,” telling her to “consider it a compliment,” that’s not OK. Similarly, O’Reilly says a partner who berates you for being too uptight or not open enough is not treating you appropriately.

It’s possible to educate your partner about issues that their race or gender may allow them to avoid, and it’s possible for them to learn to understand your experiences. However, if there’s no communication, you can rightfully become frustrated and irritated when they minimize your experiences.

11. Your Partner Judges You

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Feeling judged by your partner is another sure sign that they’re not giving you the respect and kindness required in a relationship, says O’Reilly. While a loving partner can gently and respectfully help you be the best version of yourself and vice versa, a partner who is constantly telling you what’s wrong with you is a no-go. They may regularly berate aspects of your personality or body shame you — both of which are cruel, immature, and manipulative ways to exert control in a relationship.

12. Your Partner Ignores Your Sexual Needs & Limits

If your partner ignores your sexual needs or pressures you to partake in sexual activity without your willing and renewed consent, that’s not OK, says O’Reilly. While having different turn-ons and libido from your partner is normal, overstepping your sexual boundaries or ignoring your needs is not. “Sexual compatibility is not a matter of sameness, but a matter of effort,” she previously told Bustle. “If one or both of you seems unwilling to try to cultivate compatibility, it may be time to reconsider your commitment to the relationship.”

13. Your Partner Doesn’t Respect Your Boundaries

Does your partner joke about traumatic things that aren’t funny? Do they talk about their exes in a way that makes you uneasy? Or share your private information with others despite your protest? These are just a few ways that someone can overstep your boundaries, and a sign that your partner isn’t respecting your criteria for emotional wellbeing, says O’Reilly. Especially if you’ve set boundaries with your partner before and they still don’t respect them, that’s toxic behavior you definitely should not tolerate.

14. Your Partner Doesn’t Publicly Acknowledge Your Relationship

If you and your partner have mutually decided to enter a committed relationship, then it shouldn't be a secret (unless, of course, there are reasons you two have consensually chosen to keep it under wraps). If you’re spending time on this relationship, then you deserve recognition. Does your partner consider you a placeholder and doesn’t want to appear tied down in case someone else comes along? Are they lying about monogamy to multiple partners and have to keep it secret? Are they embarrassed by the relationship?

No matter the reason, you should be with someone who respects you and is proud of you. Clinical psychologist Dr. Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., says to talk with your partner to get to the bottom of this dynamic. “The real test here is how well the two of you communicate about these issues,” he previously told Bustle. “It may be a great chance to understand more how they feel about you and address some miscommunications. You may not like the answer, but you will know where you stand.”

15. Your Partner Always Accuses You Of Cheating

If your partner constantly accuses you of cheating — despite the fact that you haven’t and there is no cause for suspicion — then something is wrong. If certain aspects of your relationships with the people around you make your partner uncomfortable, then you should absolutely listen to their concerns and evaluate how your behavior may be hurtful. But if your partner is acting on insecurity alone and attempting to shame you or isolate you from others as a result, that’s a deal-breaker.

This paranoia can happen for all sorts of reasons, from trust issues to having cheated themselves, and it’s important to get to the bottom of it in order to move forward. “Projection is a very low-level coping skill,” Dr. Paul DePompo, Psy.D., ABPP, a clinical psychologist and author of The Other Woman's Affair, previously told Bustle. “People that do things themselves like cheat, think about cheating, or have cheated in the past, project these thoughts of desire onto their partners. Their mind ends up creating a reality that their partner is cheating as well.”

16. Your Partner Talks Over You And Interrupts

Communication is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship. If your partner frequently talks over you, interrupts you, or corrects you — even if it’s not malicious — you need to point it out to them to nip it in the bud. “We’ve all heard when someone says something wrong, but constantly correcting your partner can become annoying and belittling,” matchmaking and dating expert Stef Safran previously told Bustle.

17. Your Partner Slut-Shames You

Does your current partner get angry about your sexual history or number of past sexual partners? Do they call you a “slut” or “whore” if your outfit shows “too much skin”? Slut-shaming is your partner’s way of asserting control over your body, and it can be damaging, according to Dr. Nikki Goldstein, Ph.D., sexologist and author of Single But Dating.

“It impacts women because they might be acting on their own sexual desires or exploring their sense of self and are told by using that word that they are bad for doing so," she previously told Bustle. "They are experiencing something possibly positive and beautiful and then made to feel guilty for it. It can be very damaging to women and also very conflicting.”

18. Your Partner Belittles Your Career Aspirations

It’s impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who doesn’t want to see you succeed. It’s one thing for your partner to provide constructive criticism or to express frustration if your career is causing you to ignore the relationship, says Alomari. But if they insult your work ethic, mock your achievements, or even convince you to turn down opportunities, then you need to either confront the issue or walk away from the relationship.

19. Your Partner Never Takes Responsibility

Another example of destructive behavior you shouldn’t have to deal with in a healthy relationship is when your partner refuses to take responsibility or own up to their mistakes. "A relationship is toxic when an individual is unable to accept responsibility at any time, compared to a rough patch, where they accept responsibility sometimes,” clinical psychologist and relationship expert Dr. Danielle Forshee previously told Bustle. If you see no improvement in their ability to express regret or be apologetic, you likely never will — and you should never have to put up with that.

20. Your Partner Knows They’re Hurting You And Does Nothing

Even in healthy relationships, there are times when one person is going to hurt the other — be it on accident, on purpose, in the heat of an argument, or with a snide remark. However, a good partner will know when they hurt you (either they figure it out or you tell them), apologize, and change their behavior for the better. Anything less shouldn’t be tolerated. "The truest and biggest sign of a toxic relationship is showing no remorse for hurting your partner,” licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert Dr. Dori Gatter, Psy.D., LCPC, previously told Bustle. “The second biggest sign is showing remorse but not changing the behavior or working to change the behavior that is damaging.”

Overall, red flags can be either glaring or subtle. And while every relationship takes work and compromise — on both sides — some problems that are so toxic that you simply shouldn’t tolerate them. Recognizing which issues veer into the toxic side of things can be hard, but knowing about what to look out for ahead of time, as well as checking in with people you trust, can be helpful in the long run.

Experts:

Nawal Alomari, LCPC, a licensed clinical professional counselor and life coach based in Chicago

Dr. Paul DePompo, Psy.D., ABPP, a clinical psychologist and author of The Other Woman's Affair

Dr. Nikki Goldstein, Ph.D., sexologist and author of Single But Dating

Dr. Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., and clinical psychologist

Jess O’Reilly, Ph. D., sexologist and ambassador for sexual wellness and sex toy brands We-Vibe, Womanizer, and Arcwave

Stef Safran, matchmaking and dating expert

Dr. Danielle Forshee, clinical psychologist and relationship expert

Dr. Dori Gatter, Psy.D., LCPC, licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert

This article was originally published on

10 things you do to encourage a toxic partner in a relationship / Bright Side

Many women complain that their husbands don't give them gifts, don't pay attention, and don't do anything around the house. Unfortunately, those around us treat us the way we allow them to behave. Setting boundaries in relationships with loved ones is not easy, but necessary. Otherwise, a person may "sit on his head" simply because you do not resist.

ADME took a look at how we encourage toxic partner behavior and came up with 10 signs you need to learn to set boundaries in a relationship. nine0003

1. Respond with tenderness and love to a bad attitude

For example, a partner joked offensively, ridiculing your shortcoming. You were upset, and the man was offended in response, saying that you never understood humor. Instead of talking about your feelings, you begin to apologize for stupidity and narrow-mindedness because you do not want to aggravate the situation. But in fact, resentment has not gone anywhere.

What to do: talk about your experiences. Wait for the reaction of a loved one. It is important that he understands your feelings, and does not dismiss them. Discuss how to respond in a similar situation if it happens again in the future. Psychologist Sherry Bur Carter recommends using "I-messages" for this. For example: "I love you and would be glad if they didn't treat me like that", "I'm hurt by this attitude." nine0003

2. Don't state your desires. Refusing gifts

If you think it's better to buy a new vacuum cleaner or a jacket for your child instead of a birthday present, don't be surprised if your partner stops making you happy . He will assume that everything is fine, despite the fact that you are trying your best to save on yourself. After all, you yourself made such a decision.

What to do: do not refuse gifts - this is how a partner expresses his love and devotion. If he doesn't give you exactly what you want, discuss it with him. Tell your loved one about your dreams. Discuss how and when you could make them a reality together. If your chosen one thinks that it doesn't matter, think about what place you really occupy in his life. nine0003

3. Afraid to show your feelings

Girls are taught from childhood that being angry is not good, they are taught to suppress anger. But the manifestation of pity, fear, sadness or guilt is not condemned by society. Therefore, we often take offense instead of expressing dissatisfaction. We cry when we are offended. We get irritated instead of getting up and leaving.

What to do: allow yourself to feel. This does not mean that it is worth attacking a man with screams and fists. But, instead of crying and whining, you can say "I'm angry because ...". It will be much more constructive. nine0003

Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D., says you shouldn't hide your emotions, whatever they may be. It is important to explain to your partner what his actions are causing you pain. This will help build healthy relationships.

4. Do what your partner wants, even if it goes against your principles

Let's say your husband wants to move in with his parents because it's cheaper than renting an apartment. You are convinced that spouses should live separately, or, for example, you cannot stand your mother-in-law. nine0003

Of course, you can agree to your husband's proposal so as not to offend him. But in this way you don't think of yourself. Is this selfish? Psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky argues that self-love and selfishness are two different things. The second implies low self-esteem and obsession with problems. In the end, what will life become if you do something daily that is contrary to principles and desires?

What to do: discuss what you are not happy with and look for other ways to solve the problem. Tell us how you feel and why it is important for you to do so. nine0003

5. Forgive rudeness, assault, and betrayal

Have you ever easily forgive a partner's betrayal, rudeness, or assault? If it is enough for a husband to say "I'm sorry, I was wrong" in order to receive forgiveness, this is an alarming sign. In the future, whatever a man does, you will understand and forgive him. It turns out that the partner can do as he wants, even if it hurts you. After all, you will not stop loving and caring, no matter what happens.

What to do: if a man behaves like this, he does not appreciate you and this relationship. Think about whether you need such a person.

6. Behave like a mother

Do you tell your husband what to wear, sort out the things that he piles on the floor, wake up in the morning and pack for work? Congratulations, you are behaving like a mother. The more you patronize a partner, the less independent he will be. The husband will begin to rely on you in solving everyday problems, as well as organizing his personal time. And if you forget some trifle, for example, to remind him that he has an appointment with the dentist today, they will also be offended by you. nine0003

What to do: Psychologist William Berry claims that men are more prone to childish behavior and women more maternal. This does not mean that such roles should be taken for granted. Remember that your partner is an adult. He is able to deal with problems on his own. Stop patronizing him. Although there may be misunderstanding and resentment at first, remind the man that you are not responsible for his life. Even if you see that the partner is mistaken, you should not immediately help and suggest how you need to. Instead, trust the man more. nine0003

7. Put your partner first

Husband urgently needs a new game console while you can't afford pantyhose? Or does he regularly hang out at night in a bar with friends, while you are constantly at home with a small child and gatherings with friends or going for a manicure seem like an unforgivable luxury? Often a partner doesn't see your needs because no one talks about them.

What to do: you are ready to give your partner everything he wants, but you cannot afford even the smallest things. Start taking care of yourself. Let it be something small at first: buy a lipstick that you have been looking at for a long time, or sign up for a dance. If you have a child, arrange a schedule with your partner so that everyone has time for themselves. nine0003

8. Justify his misbehavior

We so want to see only the good in the chosen one that we ourselves justify his bad deeds. For example, "the husband yelled because he was in trouble at work, but in fact he is good." No problems give a partner the moral right to humiliate or devalue you.

What to do: stop looking for excuses. Say, “I don’t like this attitude. You can't talk to me like that." It is important to show that this state of affairs is unacceptable. And if this happens again, then your relationship will be in jeopardy. nine0003

9. Constantly saving a man

Your partner suffers from alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling, and you are constantly trying to save him? As a rule, close and relatives of such people gradually become co-dependent. This means that, , despite the desire to help a person, they only make things worse by indulging their weaknesses. And an alcoholic (or drug addict) manipulates relatives, putting pressure on feelings.

What to do:

  • Accept the fact that you cannot help an addict if he does not want to change himself. You are not responsible for the life and health of your partner in the same way as for his success at work.
  • Analyze how you benefit from the role of a rescuer: perhaps you are afraid to live your life, develop, build a career, or want to feel needed.
  • Think about how much you lose by dedicating your life to saving someone who doesn't need it.

10. You don't know what to do with you, but what not to do with you

Perhaps in childhood your parents forced you to share, play with your younger brothers or sisters, even if you didn't want to, eat because "it's necessary. " As a result, personal boundaries are blurred. You don't know how to say "no" even if you are unhappy with the situation .

What to do: Building boundaries is not easy. To begin with, it is important to be aware of them. Make a list of how you should not be treated. If you notice that your partner is doing something inappropriate, say so. Take the time and make a list of what you will not tolerate. With a specific list in front of your eyes, it will be much more difficult to ignore misbehavior. nine0003

Bonus: work with self-esteem

The above problems arise due to low self-esteem and the feeling that you are unworthy of attention, expensive gifts and care.

To make it easier to deal with the constant indulgence of a man, remember and write down all the moments when you obeyed a partner against your desires and common sense. Analyze why this happened, and gradually try to eradicate each of these points. nine0003

From time to time we all agree with our loved ones, even if we understand that it is wrong. Changing ingrained habits is hard enough. What other behaviors do you think should be avoided in relationships so that they do not turn into toxic ones?

Bright Side/Psychology/10 things you do to encourage a toxic partner in a relationship

Husband's inappropriate behavior. Revenge or revealed true nature?

#1

#2

#3

#4

#5

#6

Guest

You need to talk. Men don't take hints. Most likely, he did not even consider that he was acting cold.

#7

Guest

You should be smarter.

#8

Guest

It's your own fault that you once allowed insults - a word can hit much harder than a fist. Learn to be wise , complaisant . Gone in vain, now he will leave.

#9

Guest

Why this circus with horses? They would sigh, and the insults would end. nine0003

#10

#11

9000 #12

NI

9000 What if I really don't want to? At that moment, I was uncomfortable with being close. In a few days we became very distant, we didn’t talk at all, I already perceived him as a stranger. And I don't feel comfortable being close to strangers. And he knows that I do. And he always treated it with respect. nine0003

#13

Nika

So I have already learned. There have been no insults for a long time, I treat his withdrawal into myself with understanding, but I don’t understand what is happening to him. And how could I not leave here? Some irritation and aggression just climbed out of him. But instead of talking calmly, he stupidly tried to rape me. Do I have to endure violence? Give in? But I don't think there will be any respect for me then. He would have understood that he could treat me however he liked. nine0003

#14

#15

#16

#17

Guest

Wanted variety in sex. And you kicked him off ... He will go for a walk now, for sure.

#18

Guest

Author, How many years have you been married? nine0003

#19

#20,0003

9000 #21 9000 2015, 11:49

#22

Pff

People!!!!! What century do you live in??? What are those comments - give it to him without question? She is not obliged to sleep even with her husband, if she does not want to!!!! The problem was explained to him. There will be normal warm relations, there will be sex. And then he calls names, humiliates, but spread your legs! Wildness. ..

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#23

#24

WAU

Well 4 days I was silent her husband gave her kick under the ass)

#25

VAU

MANIPULATIONS IS THE LIGHT AND BELATION)

#26

It's really strange for me that an adult woman, a wife, just something - runs to spend the night with her girlfriend. You yourself are like a child and a kindergartener.

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#27

Nika

That's not the point, that's for sure. There was variety. I don't mind having rough sex for fun, but within a good relationship, warm and caring. There's something different here. It's like he's taking out some anger. Just for what? nine0003

It happened to me. ...as you described, one to one. If I had not behaved like you at this stage, I would have saved my family. It had to be somehow different. But I pushed and they began to sleep. Then he fell in love and left.

#28

Guest

write "you have become cold towards me" and then everything is fine, I'm not offended. You are a woman, and whatever one may say, the weather in the house depends on you, and not on your husband. What prevented you from speaking first and not being silent? When a man wants him not to talk, the conversations blah blah blah stick like a bath sheet, give him already and let him calm down and then talk. Giving in to a relationship doesn't mean you don't have respect for yourself. nine0003

#29

Nika

That's not the point, that's for sure. There was variety. I don't mind having rough sex for fun, but within a good relationship, warm and caring. There's something different here. It's like he's taking out some anger. Just for what? 16 September 2015 There was variety. I don't mind having rough sex for fun, but within a good relationship, warm and caring. There's something different here. It's like he's taking out some anger. Just for what? nine0003

#31

Guest

Sex is very important for a man. pouted for a week. This is called marital duties, but what are you trying to achieve? so he went to the left?!

#32

Anna

Like version. He really liked someone. He wants some woman and that woman is not you. She actively flirts with him. He feels sexy, a conquering male. Well, since the only available woman is you, here's your anger. I had it. ...as you described, one to one. If I had not behaved like you at this stage, I would have saved my family. It had to be somehow different. But I pushed and they began to sleep. Then he fell in love and left. nine0003

#33

#34

#35

PEFF

# People!!!!! What century do you live in??? What are those comments - give it to him without question? She is not obliged to sleep even with her husband, if she does not want to!!!! The problem was explained to him. There will be normal warm relations, there will be sex. And then he calls names, humiliates, but spread your legs! Wildness. ..

#36

Guest

I don’t understand how a person can become a stranger in a couple of days of cold in a relationship?! And in general, some kind of kindergarten turns out, both are offended, it’s not clear why. The author may have a husband and wanted to take a step towards meeting you, and you tell him that he became a stranger to you in two days. response

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    #39

    Guest

    Author, you are doing everything right. A decent woman should cry in the bathroom after sex. Break further, build a Turgenev girl out of yourself and wait until your husband guesses about your desires. While you break down, the spouse will find a mistress with normal instincts, and not a crystal vagina. September 16, 2015 There is no passion, sensitivity in you. A man must earn and beg for sex. From such women, men walk all their lives. Because very soon the understanding comes that rather than asking and humiliating yourself, it is better to find on the side the one that breaks less. And whose eyes are burning from any initiative. Otherwise, it’s presnyatina at home, and even that one must be “cured out” on tiptoe by his wife. nineSeptember 16, 2015
    You have a marriage crisis, he is tired of the routine. He is trying to change life, diversify it. And instead of supporting the game, you primly sulk.
    Is he hitting you? No.
    Does it hurt you? No.
    Blow him stupid! Well, the peasants are not interested in this snotty monotonous fucking of yours (such a presnyatina and women like it) he now wants passion, fire, to feel marvelous. nine0663 You can, of course, continue to sulk. Just remember, he's not 20 anymore! He will not run after you when he sees your pouting lips! This is already a swearing man! You can continue to push him away, at first there will be irritation, resentment, then against the background of this coldness towards you, and as a result, another woman.
    That's all you get with your baby sleepovers with girlfriends.

    For me, it's generally wild that an adult woman, a wife, just something - runs to spend the night with her girlfriend. You yourself are like a child and a kindergartener.

    #42

    n

    walk from those who do not respect themselves, but give everywhere and always to overeating, to vomit, to overeating. Well, the family does not keep on fucking, fortunately. September 16, 2015

    #44

    Wow

    Well, yes, she was silent for 4 days and then went to her friend I would have kicked her in the ass if I were her husband)

    #45

    Nika

    What if I absolutely don't want to? At that moment, I was uncomfortable with being close. In a few days we became very distant, we didn’t talk at all, I already perceived him as a stranger. And I don't feel comfortable being close to strangers. And he knows that I do. And he always treated it with respect.

    #46

    Guest , then he would have returned in the morning to his packed suitcases. If I had left like this, the same fate would have awaited me. You are the author of the princess-manipulator. Almost according to you - pout your lips and leave. You just forget that it worked for boys, and when a boy becomes a man he changes. With such arrogance and stupidity, they will simply send you. nine0003

    #47

    Guest

    Does it hurt you? No. Poke him stupid! Well, the peasants are not interested in this snotty monotonous fucking of yours (such a presnyatina and women like it) he now wants passion, fire, to feel like a marvel. You can, of course, continue to sulk. Just remember, he's not 20 anymore! He will not run after you when he sees your pouting lips! This is already a swearing man!

    #48

    n

    walk from those who do not respect themselves, but give everywhere and always and always to overeating, to vomit, to overeating. Well, the family does not keep on fucking, fortunately.

    #49

    Anna

    Like version. He really liked someone. He wants some woman and that woman is not you. She actively flirts with him. He feels sexy, a conquering male. Well, since the only available woman is you, here's your anger. I had it. ...as you described, one to one. If I had not behaved like you at this stage, I would have saved my family. It had to be somehow different.

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