Triad relationship stories
What Triad Relationships Are Really Like, According to Real Women – SheKnows
There’s no such thing as being a third wheel when you’re in a triad relationship. What is a triad — aka thruple, throuple or troika? It’s pretty much three people in a romantic relationship. It’s not just about sex (i.e., a threesome), but a union among three people — and can often be considered a part of the larger ethical non-monogamous umbrella.
To find out more about this modern-day relationship, we spoke with three women in separate triads about how they got into their relationships, how they make it work and some of the pros and cons about having two serious partners at the same time. Here’s what they had to say.
Two grieving couples form one loving triadLisa, 55, Orlando
“I married Roger 33 years ago, and together we married John 22 years ago. We’ve raised two children and now have grandson. After Roger and I married, John — a close friend who I went to college with — and his first husband, Mark, used to visit us. But sadly, Mark died very young and unexpectedly, and we worried about John. From there, it just made sense.”
On how they make the relationship work
“All relationships have rules and terms. One difference is that we make sure each pair has time alone as well as all three of us spending time together. One of the positives about this kind of relationship is financial. We do not all have to work full time. When the kids were little, I was a stay-at-home mom. Now John and I work full time and Roger does a variety of paying and nonpaying things. Also, when the kids were little, it was nice to have more parents than kids and to live with multiple friends. If Roger has something going in the evening, I have John for company and such. Also, we don’t have to be interested in everything our partner likes. For example, John and Roger are engineers, and I let them discuss something in that realm and be my history-major self.”
Advice to others considering a triad
“First, if you thought getting one spouse to agree on something was hard, try three people.
But all kidding aside, what’s made it work for us is that we were friends first. I think that’s important in any marriage. What I’ve learned through the years is that we have not gotten the grief from others that we sort of expected.”
More: 6 Triggers That Can Lead to an Emotional Affair
From an open marriage to a triad
Marcy, 32, Denver
“My triad relationship is only about three weeks old, but I’ve been married for two and a half years. My husband and I opened our marriage last year, and over the last couple months, he’s been seeing another man. I could tell they were getting close, and I said that I’d be happy for the new boyfriend to spend time at our house. Well, on the day this guy came to our house for the first time, he confessed to my husband that he was attracted to me as well. I shared the attraction, but was unsure about pursuing anything because I didn’t want to tread on their existing relationship. My husband insisted that he had no problem with ‘sharing,’ so our new throuple formed.
I never anticipated this dynamic before, and it just sort of happened, but I was never against it.”
On how they make the relationship work
“We’re still ironing out the details. We’ve agreed to practice safe sex until everyone has been tested, and that it’s vital for each smaller couple within the triad to have ample time and space to grow meaningful individual relationships. One positive is that there are always more hands on deck, whether it’s in caring for our daughter or accomplishing chores around the house. Having a new person thrown into the mix means more excitement as we all get to know each other and go through that typical honeymoon phase together — and it definitely spices up any physical encounters! We also face less pressure in some ways — if my husband is in the mood for sex but I’m not, he has the option to turn to someone else for that need. And when one of us feels sad or down for some reason, there is a larger built-in support system.”
Advice to others considering this kind of relationship
“There’s always some element of jealousy, and it takes practice not to let that turn into the unhealthy kind of jealousy.
You have to absolutely be willing to give voice to your feelings or concerns, because otherwise it festers. Above all, the biggest negative for me so far has been the fear of social stigma. I’m terrified of anyone in my family or broader circle finding out what my marriage dynamic is like because I worry about what others think of me. Also, sometimes you’re the one who’s waiting at home for the other two people to get back from their one-on-one date, and you get annoyed more easily than you might expect. But you have to accept those fears, those annoyances, all those negative feelings and just realize that much of the negativity stems from societal constructs more than anything else.”
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Two happily married women become three
Gina, 39, New York
“My wife, Joanne, and I opened up our five-year marriage to a mutual girlfriend, Sarah — who actually married us originally, ironically — about two years ago.
Sarah lost her father at a young age, and when her mother died, Joanne and I wanted to make her a part of our family permanently. Sarah didn’t have many others. Between the three of us, we have a 2-year-old son and couldn’t be happier.”
On how they make the relationship work
“At first, defining boundaries was difficult. We didn’t allow sexual contact with Sarah for a few months, but then it sort of morphed into Joanne and I each having our own personal relationship with our new wife. Making sure the time is split evenly and adequately between the three of us is crucial. It’s important that all three of us get the same amount of time with each other, as well as spending time with our son, doing household chores and paying bills. And speaking of bills, it’s really nice have three paychecks coming in to pay the mortgage and other expenses. We also try to look at our relationship as one consisting of three people and not two couples meshed into one.”
Advice to others considering this kind of relationship
“All people involved in a triad have to have a strong bond or else jealousy is imminent.
At times, you can feel lonely or bitter if your two spouses are out together and you’re home by yourself. There may also be some awkwardness or feelings of insult if they desire getting intimate without you, which is why communication and being open is so important. Also, it may be hard for family and friends to understand this type of relationship you are entering into, so be prepared to face some tough questioning. On the other hand, also be prepared for lots of love and fun, because you’re adding another person you love into your relationship, which is a rare and special thing.”
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A version of this story was published July 2017.
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Up until 5 years ago, my wife and I shared a girlfriend who was her best friend and the sister of an old friend of mine.
We knew her since we were kids and by the time we were 18, we treated each other as family. Having her share our life and bed felt very natural.
I think that Poly worked for us better than it did for the other poly couples we knew from the lifestyle, because all three of us loved each other and had sex with each other so there was no issue of jealousy. We even each had our own bedrooms.
My marriage was the primary relationship and after about 5 years, our gf wanted a primary relationship of her own for financial and medical benefit reasons. She did not want to give up her relationship with us though. She went online and found a guy. She told him about us and he was OK with her splitting her time between us. All we were told was that they had an arrangement. After meeting her husband I got the definite impression that her husband was also bisexual who leaned more towards men like his wife leaned more towards women, same as my wife. I was the only straight one in the group. :)
Her husband did not want to join us and once we tried and he freaked out as soon as my wife tried to undress him.
I like to say we had a polyfidelity triad since the three of us were sexual faithful to each other and our gf only had sex with us and her husband.
For us it was not about the sex with others. It was all about loving the same people. We really never even talked about our relationship as being unusual. Since we were poly for most of our adult life, it was our normal life. We had a very happy life filled with fun and economic success. We spoiled ourselves and bent life to our needs as much as possible.
I never met another poly triad that lasted close to how long ours did. I am sure that we are not unique and there are others out there that stayed together for a few decades. I just have not found them yet.
What was weird was that my wife and girlfriend were very sexual with each other but only when I was part of sex. They never had sex together without me despite my encouragement. I was the center of their sexual universe and I will admit that it felt good.
Like all old married couples, the sex got to be routine.
Yes, even threesomes get boring and one on one was more satisfying as far as intimacy was concerned. When both of them went through menopause one after the other, I thought I would never make it.
We made plans to relocate to a warmer State and retire and die together. We bought a house and our girlfriend and her hubby put a down payment on a home near ours. Then we got the bad news that they had invested the bulk of their money in one of those highly publicized Ponzi schemes and both had to go back to work. Her husband is a doctor and went to work for the doctor who bought his practice. Our girlfriend went back to being a school principal. They were both licensed in their home State and quite frankly there is little work in a retirement community that pays well.
My wife and I decided to stay put. After 30 years our relationship had grown stale anyway. We still loved each other but when we felt like an old married couple who no longer had fun together. We decided to give monogamy a try.
It was difficult to adjust, very difficult. I fell into a depression from missing our gf as did my wife. I had to be medically treated for it and still am. We found a way to deal with monogamy and are doing very well at it now. However we are looking for another women to join us but at our age we do not see that happening.
My wife is more into women than men so we had that to deal with too. We have not had intercourse for longer than either of us can remember and oral sex has been off the menu for a very long time too. Our gf sexually took care of me in a S&M relationship which my wife was not into. Hard to explain but we all provided the others with something that they could not get from any combination of two of us.
All I will say now is that a poly lifestyle is much better than a monogamous one. There is just something about having a third in your life that brings out a competitive streak in all of us in and out of bed. It made conversations more interesting and going out with two beautiful women on my arm at a time when bisexuals were not even an accepted sexual preference, was fun.
We liked to shock the straight people.
That is it. It just worked despite rarely talking about it. No one ever talked about their sexuality. Just a few years ago I asked my wife if she considered herself bisexual since she was only with one women in her life and only in a threesome with me. She said that she never thought about it and that just about sums up how we felt about our little Triad.
Dark and light triads of personality: how science explains the good and evil in a person
Why do we call some people good, while we rather consider others evil? And what does this mean, given that in the psychological sciences there are no such criteria for determining personality? To explain this phenomenon, researchers have proposed the concept of dark and light triads of personality traits. How it works, says practicing psychologist Ekaterina Davydova
The plots of many works of art are based on the interaction of the most dissimilar characters.
One listens to others, believes in the best, thinks about the general well-being, the other exploits everyone, is selfish and narcissistic. Sometimes these heroes are in a fight, such as the destructive Joker and the world-saving Batman, sometimes they manage to be friends, like Dr. House and his friend Wilson. There are also quite bizarre combinations, as in the comedy “Me, Me Again and Irene”, where the main character has a split personality and instead of an extremely kind person who was used and manipulated by everyone, he becomes his dark antipode.
Something similar is observed in real life - some people tend to think about their own benefit and perceive others as pawns on a chessboard, while others are empathic, believe in goodness and will rather choose a good relationship with a person than an instant benefit from him. The former more often achieve success in power and instant results, the latter in building relationships and long-term well-being.
To explain this phenomenon, scientists have proposed the concept of dark and light triads of personality traits.
The Dark Triad was first described by researchers Delroy Paulhus and Kevin Williams in 2002 and includes personality traits such as narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy. The word "dark" indicates that the abuse of these qualities is detrimental to society. Narcissism is usually characterized by a sense of grandiosity, arrogance, narcissism, and a lack of empathy. Machiavellianism includes the manipulation and exploitation of others, a cynical attitude towards people and the world as a whole, focusing on one's own interests, deceit. Psychopathy means a tendency to impulsiveness, callousness, ruthlessness.
The light triad combines Kantianism, which means the choice in favor of a respectful attitude towards people as individuals, instead of considering others as means to achieve one's goals.
The second trait is humanism, the belief that people of all backgrounds deserve respect and appreciation. And finally, faith in humanity and the fundamental goodness of people.
Of course, there are no carriers of only dark or only light traits - most of us have the characteristics of both triads. Moreover, statistics show that the average person as a whole has lighter features than dark ones, and there are not so many people who are extremely light and extremely dark.
What dark and light triads look like
Studies comparing the dark and light triads provide illustrative portraits of both groups.
So, the average representative of the dark triad is rather young, motivated by power, social affiliation and achievements, a man (tests have shown that the dark triad is positively correlated with youth and belonging to the male sex).
Its values are centered around self-affirmation, conspicuous consumption and selfishness are inherent in it. Perhaps he is not completely satisfied with life, has a low level of conscientiousness, goodwill, compassion and empathy.
Probably, such a person is characterized by utilitarian moral judgments (“good is what is useful, profitable”), as well as the ability to be creative, courage, leadership, assertiveness. People with the dark triad are often inquisitive because they love something unpredictable, or they are motivated to explore new things so as not to be vulnerable because they do not understand something. They may experience difficulties in relationships because they do not want to open up, they do not feel their partners due to low empathy, they can be harsh in their statements. With a strong expression of the features of the dark triad, a person becomes completely incapable of intimacy due to internal anxiety, combined with a tendency to power and exploit others.
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The light triad would rather be represented by an older woman with higher levels of life satisfaction, compassion, empathy, openness to experience, conscientiousness, positive enthusiasm, acceptance of others, and a belief that other people are generally good. Such a person can also be inquisitive, but with other motives - "I want to learn new things in order to develop." People with high levels of light triad traits often have strong self-esteem and self-contact, but may not be motivated to achieve. They are relationship-satisfied, competent, capable of sustained attachment, and can work in a team.
Of the minuses: they often feel unreasonable guilt, for example, that they live better than others (they earn a lot, have talents), and also take on excessive responsibility. Such feelings of guilt and hyper-responsibility lead to the fact that a person limits his ambitions and cuts off his path to success because of his unwillingness to experience these painful feelings.
In addition, their healthy altruism can take extreme degrees, turning into a rescue complex, and then they become vulnerable to exploitation and manipulation by the "dark camp", they begin to live for others, losing themselves.
The origin of different personality types
But why does such a colossal difference arise? Despite the individuality, people have characteristic features by which they can be combined into groups. Even Hippocrates divided everyone into choleric, sanguine, phlegmatic and melancholic, depending on what kind of "vital juices" a person consists of. Today, in psychology, there are a number of typologies, as well as versions of why we can be defined somewhere.
Thus, psychoanalyst Karen Horney developed her theory of personality based on the idea that we all try to overcome anxiety, avoid feelings of isolation from others, and thus form our character.
According to Horney, there are compliant, aggressive, and detached personality types, depending on how we adapted to interacting with parents in childhood. Carl Jung talked about extraversion, introversion and four mental functions (thinking, feeling, sensations, intuition), one of which can become the leading one as the child grows up. Based on this theory, the popular MBTI typology has been developed.
There are also hypotheses related to biodiversity, a theory that describes how differences between people affect the stability of a population and its evolution. In accordance with it, a person with traits of the dark triad can help our species in a situation where it is necessary to make decisions of a large order in cold blood, for example, geopolitical ones, and people from the light triad are useful for individual work, for example, in helping professions (doctors, teachers, psychologists).
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Mutual attraction of the dark and light triads
A whole series of difficult and sometimes painful interactions arise between representatives of the dark and light triads due to the fact that they are arranged very differently.
Common history - codependent couples, consisting of a "dark" partner who is not capable of healthy attachment, cannot be sincere, shifts responsibility to another for his own benefit, but is attractive with his self-confidence, and a "light" partner who is not recognizes manipulation, taking everything at face value, believing that the other will improve, endlessly gives him chances and tries to save, reason, and accustom to his principles. In a dialogue, they may not understand each other, since the first will not be ready for open communication (due to the fact that this will make him vulnerable), and the second will not want to use the methods of the first: blackmail, cheat, play manipulative games.
Collisions between people from the dark and light triads also occur at the level of views. For example, a person from the “dark camp” can sit at dinner and talk about geopolitical events on the scale of a historical era, that is, talk about big processes, not taking into account the fact that these processes affect the individual well-being of each person.
An interlocutor from the light triad may be outraged by such reasoning, since he will empathically put himself in the place of a specific person who is involved in these processes. It will be difficult for him to accept that, for example, the head physician of a hospital can dispense medicines and provide medical care in an emergency in a cold-blooded manner on the basis of the chances of survival. For a person from the dark triad, this will be absolutely logical and natural. Similarly, people from the light triad will believe to the last that a person will not abuse power, while people from the dark triad will first of all think about how they can benefit for themselves in such a situation.
Another interesting example is the attraction of dark triad people to their opposites, built on the fantasy that a dark person can be "rock on the outside" but "white and fluffy on the inside." People from the dark triad can also be drawn to their antipodes (remember Dr.
House and Wilson) and be in a sense dependent on them, since often bright people are the only ones who can withstand them, see in them that good, human that they themselves hide from themselves. Through such communication, they, as it were, indirectly gain access to their sincere, sensitive part.
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Gold of the shadow: how to complete oneself with the traits of the opposite triad
The dark and light triad, if we talk about strongly pronounced types, is always a kind of imbalance, insufficiency. Some lack what others have. If this does not interfere with individual development, does not destroy relationships, does not bring misfortune - it is up to everyone whether something needs to be done about it.
But if you set yourself the task of completing what is missing, for example, the light part, if you tend to be manipulative, selfish and cruel, or the dark part, if you overtrust others, constantly feel guilty and take extra responsibility, then it makes sense to look at the opposite triad, as on his own Shadow.
The concept of “Shadows” was originally introduced into psychoanalysis by Carl Jung. Traditionally, the Shadow includes personally and socially disapproved traits. The problem is that useful qualities can also fall into the Shadow. In Jungian psychology, this situation is called the "Gold of the Shadow". So, if a child grew up in a family where the leading principles were “we have everything in common”, “keep your head down”, “boast badly”, “we must always tell the truth”, then such quite necessary qualities as healthy egoism could become shadowy in him. , the ability to express yourself, the ability to present yourself from the best side, as well as the skills of diplomacy and competition. If the child grew up in an aggressive environment, where any weaknesses became a target for attack, and his feelings were used, then such qualities as sincerity, the ability to self-disclosure, respect for the boundaries of another could get into the Shadow.
To become invulnerable, the child had to develop the qualities of the dark triad, and the light triad went into the Shadow.
But what we do not see and deny in ourselves, we cannot allow, often begins to be projected onto others. Projection is a psychological term for the process by which people attribute to other objects what is in their own unconscious. When people from the light triad say “I can’t imagine how it could have happened” when talking about someone who abuses power, or when people from the dark triad make fun of someone who selflessly helps others, the projection mechanism is at work. The first - deny that deep down everyone is capable of bad deeds, but make a choice in favor of good ones, the second - devalue what they cannot afford due to hidden anxiety.
Where the projection is directed lies the Gold of the Shadow - those valuable qualities that the psyche is looking for in order to form a full-fledged personality.
What can be done to make this process more focused?
- Study people who cause negative feelings: envy, indignation, irritation. To wonder what qualities they have that could enrich us. Notice that these qualities are already present in us. For example, people from the light triad may notice that they are passive-aggressive, and then they need to work on integrating their aggression in a socially acceptable way (through the word "no", through appropriate competition, through healthy selfishness).
- Study people you want to devalue, whom you make fun of, whom you treat with arrogance. For example, a person from the dark triad may find himself mocking a close-knit family of neighbors who live a simple life, do not strive for uncontrolled enrichment, but look happy every day. In this case, for a person, development will be the recognition that deep down he would also like such a life, but he is afraid that he will be deceived, abandoned, taken advantage of.
- Look closely at those whom you idolize, whom you make your idols, and ask yourself why, because of what situation, I once decided that I could never be like that.
- It is equally important to realize the negative consequences of one-sidedness. For the dark triad, this will be loneliness, inner emptiness, an eternal feeling of dissatisfaction, a high level of anxiety. The light triad needs to be aware that the rejection of their dark side can simply waste psychic strength on those who simply use it, and also prevent them from doing good deeds on a larger scale, which can be achieved by learning to be in the same field with people from the dark triad, which means that somewhere to take into account the rules of the game and be able to play this game.
“The shadow personifies everything that a person refuses to recognize in himself. Meeting oneself involves meeting one's own shadow," wrote Jung.
It is useful for both triads to look at each other as some kind of teachers, as a chance to see their potential, removing value judgments. Similar studies can be carried out in therapy or by studying the whole variety of real and virtual environments, using feelings as a kind of navigator, suggesting where to stop the focus of attention.
three dark sides of personality. Recommendations of psychologists - Psychology on vc.ru
Psychology accompanies us everywhere: at work, in family relationships. Perhaps this is the most applied science in the world. If there is a section of knowledge that will be in demand after IT, it will definitely be psychology.
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The basics of psychology are not taught by chance. The now established concept - soft skills ( "soft skills" ) is strongly tied to such qualities as communication, stress resistance, the ability to get out of conflicts. Knowledge of psychology helps to develop these skills very much.
To successfully exist in society, you must first of all understand yourself, your thoughts, feelings, be able to control yourself, build relationships with other people, build boundaries, understand psychotypes and understand who we are dealing with.
I studied psychology as part of an educational program at a medical college and then at a medical academy. Later, the study of this science became a useful habit. Not so long ago, more and more information began to appear about the "Dark Triad" - a combination of personality traits that, when combined together in one person, carry tremendous destructive power for everyone who communicates with their owner. In Russia, this issue is practically not studied, there are no large-scale studies, but for me, as a person working with people, it is not only interesting, but perhaps even important to know about the phenomenon of the dark triad, since such people make up 30% of the total number of people on the planet. the likelihood of meeting destructive people increases and you need to be as armed as possible with knowledge in order to be able to protect yourself and your interests.
Not so long ago I came across an article in which information about the dark triad is presented in the most accessible and simple way. I offer a brief translation of this article, the information, I think, will be useful to everyone. I will make a reservation right away that the terms and definitions, as well as some approaches of psychologists from Western countries do not always coincide with the scientific school of psychology in our country, so I propose to focus on the content of the article.
The original article in English is available at: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/dark-triad-personality-types.
The term "Dark Triad" sounds rather intimidating, if not demonic, but what does it really mean? The "dark triad" is a combination of three personality types - a narcissist, a psychopath, a makevialist. These definitions are not labels or degrading insults. Rather, they are scientific definitions of personality types. They all have one thing in common - the tendency of their owners to disagree with others, lack of empathy, strong self-centeredness and (or) a tendency to manipulate.
Research to better understand this phenomenon is only being done to better understand how to deal with this triad.
What is the "Dark Triad"?
The term "Dark Triad" refers to three types of personality - narcissist, psychopath, make-up artist. It is because of the negative connotation of all three types that the word "Dark" was added to the triad. The term was first used in a 2002 study by Delroy Paulhus (Ph.D.) and Kevin M. Williams (Ph.D.).
It should be noted right away that these personality types are not a pathology, they are not diagnoses, these are characteristics of types of people.
Narcissism
Narcissists are those who are unusually strongly motivated to maintain their own image of a successful, positive, attractive person in the eyes of others. Narcissists defend their image quite aggressively (both physically and verbally) even in response to the slightest doubts from others. Since the narcissist loves himself to the point of madness, conversations with him tend to always focus on his appearance or on professional, financial, and other successes.
Psychopaths
As a rule, psychopaths are the most aggressive type of people. They are cruel to other people and to living beings in general. Psychopaths are most often prone to bullying, trolling, they are vengeful. Psychopaths are similar to narcissists, but unlike them, they assert themselves at the expense of others. They tend to take risks and disregard generally accepted rules.
Make-up artists
People of this type are duplicitous and pragmatic. Their main goal is their own goal to be achieved. They are less impulsive, but more prone to cheating, stealing and lying, especially when it comes to their personal interests or there is a threat of exposure. Most of them can stop cheating, stealing and lying, either out of guilt or out of principle, again, as long as it doesn't go against their interests.
How to identify people with the "Dark Triad"?
At the moment, there are a considerable number of tests and test methods for psychological diagnosis, but in everyday life, the owner of the "Dark Triad" can be identified, first of all, by the destruction that he caused to people around him.
At the same time, you need to be extremely careful, because in each of us, to one degree or another, one of the three features (sometimes a combination) is present, but with varying degrees of severity. In addition, these types manifest differently in men and women. For example, male psychopaths are prone to physical violence, while females are prone to “digital stalking” (constantly following other people on social networks and instant messengers). The main thing to remember is that the "Dark Triad" combines all three negative personality types.
Interaction with the owners of the "Dark Triad"
When asked how to interact with people with the Dark Triad, Park replied:
All three types are stable and very strong, they are interconnected, so any attempt to change or make the narcissist, makeviallist, psychopath act differently will lead to failure. Don't try to change them, accept them as they are and live with it
Park, Psychologist
Narcissists always need to reinforce their success, reputation.
The slightest damage to reputation will cause aggression. Do not try to joke with them or make fun of them, minimize conflicts. Don't remind them of their failures.
Be extremely skeptical when interacting with make-up artists and always look for additional sources to confirm their words.
If it happens that you work or among your social contacts is a psychopath - just avoid as much as possible, up to a change of job, social circle or partner.
If you see all three types in a person, minimize contact.
Remember that it is difficult to break contact with the carriers of the "Dark Triad", they have all the tools to keep you with them: manipulation, persuasion, aggression. Don't try to play games with them, it's not worth it. Think of yourself. If you find it difficult to get away from such people or from a situation, you should consider the help of a professional psychologist or psychotherapist who will help you break unhealthy ties and form healthy relationships with other people.
