Teenager abusing parents
Warning Signs and What to Do
If your teenager acts in an abusive way towards you, you’re not alone. Help is available for this underreported type of domestic abuse.
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Domestic violence doesn’t occur just between partners, or even just between adults.
If your child or teenager is abusive towards you — whether physically, emotionally, or financially — you may be experiencing a form of domestic violence.
If a child is violent or otherwise abusive towards you, you may hesitate to classify the behavior as abuse. Is your teenager just being, well, a difficult teenager?
Child-to-parent abuse (CPA) isn’t typical, though it’s likely underreported. This is in large part because of an ingrained cultural belief that anger, sullenness, and moodiness are hallmarks of adolescent behavior.
Experiencing CPA can also bring on feelings of shame, leading people to live longer with the abuse in secret.
You don’t have to live with abuse. There are resources to help you, outlined here.
Child-to-parent abuse occurs when a minor child (under age 18) or young adult (between ages 18–25) living in your home abuses you physically or verbally, emotionally, or financially in an effort to dominate or exert control in your space. You may feel powerless to do anything when it happens.
The abuse may be violent and physically aggressive, but may also be more secretive, involving threats or coercion.
But the pattern of cruelty signifies abuse.
One study looking at 60 years of available research on CPA found that anywhere from 5–21% of families are affected by physical CPA.
In 97% of CPA cases, the mother was the person being abused, 83% of the time by a son, according to research. Daughters are more likely to use emotional or verbal abuse tactics than sons.
The different types of child-to-parent abuse
Abusive behavior can manifest in many ways, including:
- Physical: Your child may hit you, throw things at you, damage your property, or harm family pets.
- Verbal: They may taunt you or call you names.
- Emotional: Your child may threaten you with harm to you or to themselves if you don’t do what they want. They may intimidate you by following you around or relentlessly texting you.
- Financial: Your child may steal money from you or rack up credit card debt on your accounts, or they may demand a large sum of money if you don’t do something they want.
Risk factors
Domestic violence
Children exposed to domestic violence in their homes — often partner to partner — are more likely to be violent or cruel towards their parents as adolescents, according to research.
A 2017 study also found that CPA was more likely in study participants that came from families affected by domestic violence.
There was also an increased risk for CPA when a court or psychiatric clinic referred participants for a study, pointing to the correlation between CPA and criminal activity or mental health conditions.
Understanding that CPA is also a form of domestic violence may open more doors for intervention, both between adults in a household and between you and your child.
Antisocial behavior
Antisocial behavior or a lack of empathy towards others at home and especially in other situations, like school, can be an indicator that your child may also be violent toward you.
If your child’s teachers, coaches, or other authority figures report that your child is aggressive towards them or to their peers, or shows a lack of empathy in social situations, pay closer attention for signs of emerging or active CPA.
Mental health conditions
Some mental health conditions seem to coincide with CPA, such as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), bipolar disorder, and depression. However, not all children diagnosed with these disorders will be violent.
Reactive attachment disorder and conduct disorder are also common diagnoses related to the phenomenon of CPA.
You may be experiencing CPA if certain factors are true for you:
- You’re changing your behavior to accommodate your child’s behavior or in response to threats.
- Your child is violent towards you. All children will act out, but violent behavior that puts your safety or that of others at risk isn’t normal.
- Your child threatens violence towards you if you don’t do what they want.
- Your child threatens suicide if you don’t do what they want. Take all threats of self-harm very seriously, even if you suspect that they’re a form of manipulation.
- Your child threatens others or is cruel to household pets, or both.
- Your child’s school reports that your child is rude to their teachers or has little to no social interaction with their classmates.
- Your child threatens to call in a professional — a social worker, a therapist, the police — if their demands aren’t met.
- You feel like you’re walking on eggshells to maintain the peace between you and your child, or between your child and other members of your household, like other children you may be protecting.
Living with and overcoming an abusive situation requires professional and sometimes legal support.
Individual therapy
Speak to a therapist about what you’re experiencing. Therapy may help you come to terms with what you have experienced in your own home and help you plan ways to stay safe.
If you need help finding a therapist, start here.
Family therapy
Family therapy focused on strengthening familial bonds and teaching non-aggressive disciplinary methods can help empower you to understand that your child’s abuse isn’t normal and to adjust your own responses to your child’s behavior.
Here are resources for finding a family therapist near you.
Support groups
The blog Raising Devon, written by a woman who experienced CPA, contains resources for finding a support group for other parents experiencing violence from their children. If you’re interested in starting a support group, here are some tips for doing so.
Juvenile justice programs
Programs like Seattle’s Step-Up, which conducts teenage family violence interventions, exist in many cities and counties.
If your child’s violent or coercive behavior has led you to call the police and the court system is involved, becoming part of a program like this can help you and your family access individual and family counseling, create safety plans, and educate you and your child about what’s happening.
For legal and therapy purposes, discreetly document all the problematic interactions you have with your teenager.
Creating a safety planIf you’re afraid for your physical safety or that of other family members, try to leave your home and get to a safe place immediately, then call 911 or a trusted loved one.
If things haven’t escalated to that point, it’s still a good idea to have a safety plan. You can use this tool from the National Domestic Violence Hotline to create one.
A safety plan includes:
- where to go or whom to contact for shelter
- a list of important things to pack, like documents and technology
- how to get pets and children out of harm’s way
Remember that this situation isn’t something to feel ashamed of. Help is available, and this doesn’t have to be your reality forever.
Reach out to a few close family members and friends to let them know what’s going on. Acknowledging the situation is a good step forward, and your loved ones will also be a solid support system for you as you navigate next steps.
Aggressive, coercive, cruel, and violent behavior isn’t normal adolescent behavior and can be a sign of CPA.
You can access help if you are being abused by your child. If your child’s situation requires more than individual or family therapy, there are juvenile justice and even residential programs available to help them and to help you stabilize your home.
Raising Devon has many articles on CPA that you may find informative or relatable.
Don’t give up hope. While it’s normal to feel shame, know that this abuse isn’t an outcome of poor parenting.
You can feel safe in your home again, get your teenager the help they need, and eventually can work on building a safe and healthy relationship with them.
Get help for domestic violence
- Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 for free, confidential, 24/7 care and support.
- Visit the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), a domestic violence prevention advocacy group with a list of resources for relationship abuse help.
Warning Signs and What to Do
If your teenager acts in an abusive way towards you, you’re not alone. Help is available for this underreported type of domestic abuse.
Quick exit
Press the “Quick exit” button at any time if you need to quickly exit this page.
The button can be found at the end of multiple sections. You’ll be taken to Psych Central’s landing page instead.
Alternatively, if you’re on a computer with an external keyboard and you want to quickly close this tab, try using the following keyboard shortcuts:
- Windows or Linux: Ctrl + W or Ctrl + F4
- Mac: ⌘ + W
For more tips on safety plans and safer browsing, consider visiting the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Quick exit
Domestic violence doesn’t occur just between partners, or even just between adults.
If your child or teenager is abusive towards you — whether physically, emotionally, or financially — you may be experiencing a form of domestic violence.
If a child is violent or otherwise abusive towards you, you may hesitate to classify the behavior as abuse. Is your teenager just being, well, a difficult teenager?
Child-to-parent abuse (CPA) isn’t typical, though it’s likely underreported.
This is in large part because of an ingrained cultural belief that anger, sullenness, and moodiness are hallmarks of adolescent behavior.
Experiencing CPA can also bring on feelings of shame, leading people to live longer with the abuse in secret.
You don’t have to live with abuse. There are resources to help you, outlined here.
Child-to-parent abuse occurs when a minor child (under age 18) or young adult (between ages 18–25) living in your home abuses you physically or verbally, emotionally, or financially in an effort to dominate or exert control in your space. You may feel powerless to do anything when it happens.
The abuse may be violent and physically aggressive, but may also be more secretive, involving threats or coercion. But the pattern of cruelty signifies abuse.
One study looking at 60 years of available research on CPA found that anywhere from 5–21% of families are affected by physical CPA.
In 97% of CPA cases, the mother was the person being abused, 83% of the time by a son, according to research.
Daughters are more likely to use emotional or verbal abuse tactics than sons.
The different types of child-to-parent abuse
Abusive behavior can manifest in many ways, including:
- Physical: Your child may hit you, throw things at you, damage your property, or harm family pets.
- Verbal: They may taunt you or call you names.
- Emotional: Your child may threaten you with harm to you or to themselves if you don’t do what they want. They may intimidate you by following you around or relentlessly texting you.
- Financial: Your child may steal money from you or rack up credit card debt on your accounts, or they may demand a large sum of money if you don’t do something they want.
Risk factors
Domestic violence
Children exposed to domestic violence in their homes — often partner to partner — are more likely to be violent or cruel towards their parents as adolescents, according to research.
A 2017 study also found that CPA was more likely in study participants that came from families affected by domestic violence.
There was also an increased risk for CPA when a court or psychiatric clinic referred participants for a study, pointing to the correlation between CPA and criminal activity or mental health conditions.
Understanding that CPA is also a form of domestic violence may open more doors for intervention, both between adults in a household and between you and your child.
Antisocial behavior
Antisocial behavior or a lack of empathy towards others at home and especially in other situations, like school, can be an indicator that your child may also be violent toward you.
If your child’s teachers, coaches, or other authority figures report that your child is aggressive towards them or to their peers, or shows a lack of empathy in social situations, pay closer attention for signs of emerging or active CPA.
Mental health conditions
Some mental health conditions seem to coincide with CPA, such as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), bipolar disorder, and depression.
However, not all children diagnosed with these disorders will be violent.
Reactive attachment disorder and conduct disorder are also common diagnoses related to the phenomenon of CPA.
You may be experiencing CPA if certain factors are true for you:
- You’re changing your behavior to accommodate your child’s behavior or in response to threats.
- Your child is violent towards you. All children will act out, but violent behavior that puts your safety or that of others at risk isn’t normal.
- Your child threatens violence towards you if you don’t do what they want.
- Your child threatens suicide if you don’t do what they want. Take all threats of self-harm very seriously, even if you suspect that they’re a form of manipulation.
- Your child threatens others or is cruel to household pets, or both.
- Your child’s school reports that your child is rude to their teachers or has little to no social interaction with their classmates.
- Your child threatens to call in a professional — a social worker, a therapist, the police — if their demands aren’t met.
- You feel like you’re walking on eggshells to maintain the peace between you and your child, or between your child and other members of your household, like other children you may be protecting.
Living with and overcoming an abusive situation requires professional and sometimes legal support.
Individual therapy
Speak to a therapist about what you’re experiencing. Therapy may help you come to terms with what you have experienced in your own home and help you plan ways to stay safe.
If you need help finding a therapist, start here.
Family therapy
Family therapy focused on strengthening familial bonds and teaching non-aggressive disciplinary methods can help empower you to understand that your child’s abuse isn’t normal and to adjust your own responses to your child’s behavior.
Here are resources for finding a family therapist near you.
Support groups
The blog Raising Devon, written by a woman who experienced CPA, contains resources for finding a support group for other parents experiencing violence from their children.
If you’re interested in starting a support group, here are some tips for doing so.
Juvenile justice programs
Programs like Seattle’s Step-Up, which conducts teenage family violence interventions, exist in many cities and counties.
If your child’s violent or coercive behavior has led you to call the police and the court system is involved, becoming part of a program like this can help you and your family access individual and family counseling, create safety plans, and educate you and your child about what’s happening.
For legal and therapy purposes, discreetly document all the problematic interactions you have with your teenager.
Creating a safety planIf you’re afraid for your physical safety or that of other family members, try to leave your home and get to a safe place immediately, then call 911 or a trusted loved one.
If things haven’t escalated to that point, it’s still a good idea to have a safety plan. You can use this tool from the National Domestic Violence Hotline to create one.
A safety plan includes:
- where to go or whom to contact for shelter
- a list of important things to pack, like documents and technology
- how to get pets and children out of harm’s way
Remember that this situation isn’t something to feel ashamed of. Help is available, and this doesn’t have to be your reality forever.
Reach out to a few close family members and friends to let them know what’s going on. Acknowledging the situation is a good step forward, and your loved ones will also be a solid support system for you as you navigate next steps.
Aggressive, coercive, cruel, and violent behavior isn’t normal adolescent behavior and can be a sign of CPA.
You can access help if you are being abused by your child. If your child’s situation requires more than individual or family therapy, there are juvenile justice and even residential programs available to help them and to help you stabilize your home.
Raising Devon has many articles on CPA that you may find informative or relatable.
Don’t give up hope. While it’s normal to feel shame, know that this abuse isn’t an outcome of poor parenting.
You can feel safe in your home again, get your teenager the help they need, and eventually can work on building a safe and healthy relationship with them.
Get help for domestic violence
- Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 for free, confidential, 24/7 care and support.
- Visit the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), a domestic violence prevention advocacy group with a list of resources for relationship abuse help.
How to survive next to a teenager: 10 advice from a psychologist to parents - light blog
The main rules of coexistence and communication with a teenager are explained by Maria Goncharenko, a member of the Ukrainian Union of Psychotherapists, a representative of psychoanalytically oriented psychotherapy, the author of trainings for teenagers "Overcoming".
1.
Forget about parenting, think about yourself
Most parents who seek psychotherapy make the same mistake: they think that a teenager is a “broken” child who needs to be “corrected”, and he will be as before , sweet and obedient.
Understand that it is too late to educate a person at this age. Influence - yes, educate - no. It is more important to get along and agree on the future, so try to answer a simple question: “What do you need yourself? What kind of life do you want next to a teenager?
Formally, someone who is under 18 is not yet an adult. However, a person behaves like a capricious and irresponsible child while he is considered a child.
Treat your teenager as you would any relative or neighbor. For example, the wording “Don't be rude! You were a polite boy. I don’t want you to grow up to be rude” is wrong. That's what they say to a child. And an adult should be addressed: “Do not be rude! I won't stand to be talked to like that."
2.
Don't constantly talk about how you feel
Don't count on the fancy "I-statement" technique when you talk about how you feel in response to someone's actions. This works great for kids and adults. But not for teenagers, who have enough of their own experiences. They just won't hear.
Anthony GinsbrookIf a teenager is in the adult devaluation stage, you run the risk of "I don't care how you feel." Wait 10 years, then you can tell your son or daughter everything you have endured. Preferably with humor.
In the meantime, don't say: "You didn't come home at midnight, but I couldn't find a place for myself." Better: “You come late and keep me awake. I do not like it".
3. Do not dramatize
Parents of teenagers often look like teenagers themselves: they are too excited and perceive everything in black and white. The emotionality of teenagers is contagious.
A high school student thinks: "My nose is too long - I'm ugly." And her mother: “The daughter considers herself ugly, which means she will try drugs or commit suicide.
”
Tantrums, conflicts, bold hopes and disappointments are the realities of teenage life. Everyone experienced them. And global problems are rather an exception to the rule. So don't be dramatic. If emotions are overwhelming, connect your mind and calm down the way you can: from breathing techniques to valerian drops.
4. Do not find out who is in charge
Loving parents may insist that a 16-year-old is still a child. But the subconscious cannot be deceived. It suggests that another adult has appeared on your territory. And if not a team member, then a competitor. Therefore, a real battle for power and resources will unfold. And you will feel like you are raising a child.
Photo by Alexa MazzarelloSneering expressions will be used: “This is my house, and you will live as I said”, “There is nothing of yours here, everything was bought with my money” and “You don’t have the right to vote until you start earning ". However, think about whether you need such a "weapon" in this fight?
If you gave a friend a phone for his birthday, you don't demand to see his photos and correspondence, because the smartphone was bought with your money? Why do you consider as your property what you gave to your son or daughter?
Giving up competition is not giving up leadership.
Parents are at the top of the family hierarchy because they take responsibility. And so the rules are set. But if you constantly prove it in words (especially with forbidden tricks), then something has gone wrong: the child rules, or you live without rules.
5. Direct women's competition in the right direction
In mother and daughter, women's competition for the title of "who is the cutest in the world" is often added. The daughter wins because of her age, and rarely does an adult admit even to himself that he is jealous of his youth. So women repress these feelings with thoughts like “she looks terrible.”
If you are a mother and the image of a teenage girl annoys you, think carefully: if you met such a person on the street, would you smile or frown? And in your youth - how would you react to such a classmate?
Photo by Maja Karlsson Conscious competition can be beneficial. She will allow the mother to remotely evaluate her daughter as a woman. A wise mother will help turn the minuses into pluses.
And the pluses will teach you to serve with dignity. In addition, attempts by a teenage girl to look “cooler” than her mother will be accepted with love and respect.
It is dangerous to avoid talking about appearance altogether. If the exchange of female information between the daughter and mother is not established, the girl is more at risk of becoming ill with anorexia or bringing herself to nervous breakdowns, focusing on her peers.
6. Be a guide through life
Threats and dictates do not work on teenagers. They are trying to do the opposite. The worst solution is to get offended, pull away and let the bumps run uncontrollably. Or, on the contrary, indulge and try to earn the friendship of a teenager.
Imagine that you are a tour guide who tells you what is where and where it leads. Warn about the consequences, don't grumble. Share your experience. Show more situations and examples. Do not teach, but explain your point of view. There should be no forbidden topics on your part.
A teenager should know that you can talk about everything: euthanasia, abortion, or the fate of the endangered tribes of the Amazon.
If something bothers you in a teenager's life, and he refuses to talk about it, don't pester with questions, but tell a story. But without theorizing and notations. For example, instead of asking "How much beer do you drink?" Tell us about your classmate who embarrassed himself on a date because of a hangover. Tell until you hear: “Yes, I already understood the hints! I don't have a problem with alcohol, calm down."
7. It's too late to talk about sex and alcohol
Sex education and talk about alcohol and drugs were needed earlier. Maximum in early adolescence. The teenager is generally not up to talking - he is tormented by emotions and hormonal storms. Imagine that your blood pressure jumped or you drank too much. In this state, you will not think, but act in accordance with your values and decisions that you made earlier.
So the teenager will show the attitude to sex and various chemicals that he had previously developed.
Didn't have time? Then speak with deeds, not words. For example, at home there should be a ban on smoking for all family members. And if you drink alcohol only on holidays, then impose sanctions for violating this rule.
However, you must be prepared to talk about your new adolescent experience. If he shares doubts and failures with you, this is a sign of trust.
8. Rights are added to responsibility
If a teenager wants more rights, that's great. But along with them, the area of responsibility also increases. That is, if a “child” demands to buy a “toy” (gadget or something else) worth your monthly salary, he is obliged to take part in the management of the family budget and feel the cost.
A teenager cannot fully provide for himself yet, but he is able, for example, not only to earn extra money for entertainment, but also to pay part of utilities.
And parents should allocate living space for him and treat the established order there (even chaos) as respectfully as they treat the territory of a neighbor.
If a teenager does not earn, he can invest his labor. For certain work, the reward is the result itself, and the punishment is its absence. For example, if your son or daughter constantly forgets to buy groceries, you may "forget" to prepare meals.
Under no circumstances should work become “slave duties”. A teenager has the right to refuse or take on a double burden. But the family, respectively, spends a minimum or maximum of funds on what the teenager wants. And all this without unnecessary words, reproaches and persuasion.
9. Use social media
You don't need social media to track your teenager's contacts and control what your son or daughter writes on their page. Use them for their intended purpose: share information, your own position, maintain interest in yourself.
Your children may never know that you once danced salsa or understand the history of the Middle Ages.
Most of all, they know about how you eat, clean, watch movies and shop. So show them the other side of yourself.
Being friends with a son or daughter is not a good idea, because parents have a different mission. But you can become a teenager's friend.
10. Allow yourself to be criticized
Do not strive to be ideal parents: no matter how happy childhood was, every psychoanalyst's client will remember many mistakes of father and mother. Therefore, let the child criticize himself enough, otherwise he will not be able to separate from parental attitudes and begin to think independently.
Photo by Dvir AdlerHowever, distinguish criticism from rudeness. Let the teenager say what he wants, but do not be rude to his parents. Demand courtesy, do not be afraid to embitter. A teenager will learn to criticize in an acceptable way, this will help in adulthood.
During this period, it will become clear that everything you did was wrong, and even harmful. And you yourself are hopelessly behind the times.
Most importantly, don't feel guilty. You will learn the truth about yourself as a father or mother in 10-20 years. In the meantime, demand constructive proposals, do not listen to accusations.
The child screams and hits the parents - what to do?
Solving conflicts with teenagers can be difficult. Especially if during a quarrel the child begins to show aggression. How to be in such situations? Let's figure it out together with psychologist Alexandra Lebedeva.
Question. Why can angry teenagers start yelling at their parents and hitting them? What should adults do in such situations?
Answer. Teenage aggression is a fairly common phenomenon, and it is often the parents who are the first to be hit. This happens for several reasons:
- Absence of boundaries set by the parent at earlier age stages. If you trace the history of the family, you can identify situations in which the aggressive reaction of the child was simply fixed due to incorrect educational methods.
In order to prevent such consolidation, parents themselves need to use methods of interaction that will become an example for the child. Teaching a child not to be cruel by being cruel to him is a road to nowhere. It is also important to teach the child to express feelings of anger in a socially acceptable way, to pronounce these feelings. - Children copying adults' reactions. Adults sometimes behave quite aggressively, and children mirror their behavior.
- The child may react in this way if all other ways of being heard do not work. Often in the hustle and bustle of everyday life we cannot catch what the child really wants to tell us. Aggression can be a defense of borders: when these borders are too strongly encroached and exerted excessive pressure, then this automatically causes protest and a desire to defend. Then the teenager tries to protect his boundaries and interests using radical methods.
- Physiology plays a huge role.
In adolescence, there is an intensive development of the limbic system - the part of the brain responsible for emotions and control over them. Simply put, physiologically, a teenager is not yet able to stop himself. He will learn this only at the end of puberty. - Nobody canceled such a factor as overwork. Sometimes, if you analyze the daily workload of teenagers, you can only be amazed: children are loaded to the fullest. The nervous system simply does not have time to recover, and in a tired person, the ability to self-control decreases.
What should parents do?
- Communicate within boundaries. You can say: “I can’t and don’t want to talk in that tone. We will continue the conversation when you calm down." Or: "I don't like being yelled at, so we won't talk now."
- Reconsider one's behavior: isn't anger and aggression a typical reaction of the parent himself? If yes, then work it out on your own or with a specialist.
- Do not get infected by emotions yourself. If you feel like you're going to snap, take a break. Physically distance yourself. Breathe for a few seconds.
- Do not forget about the overwork factor: monitor the daily routine, nutrition, sleep of a teenager. If necessary, reduce the load.
- Remember that it is also very difficult for a child in such situations.
- Respect your child's boundaries; think: “Am I pushing him too hard?”
You need to hear and see your teenager. What does this mean and how can it be done?
First, you need to understand that your child is not your exact copy, but a completely different, separate person with his own characteristics. You need to realize this and remove your expectations about how a teenager should be.
Secondly, you need to track how much quality time you spend with your child. Do you have the opportunity to communicate with him not on the run on the way to work, but really be attentive to him and his needs? It will be great to find joint activities that will be interesting for both you and him, during which you can talk heart to heart.
