Syndrome where you love your abuser

What Causes It and How to Treat It

Written by WebMD Editorial Contributors

Medically Reviewed by Dan Brennan, MD on April 13, 2021

What Is Stockholm Syndrome?

Stockholm syndrome isn’t a psychological diagnosis. Instead, it is a way of understanding the emotional response some people have towards a captor or abuser.

Sometimes people who are held prisoner or are subject to abuse can have feelings of sympathy or other positive feelings toward the captor. This seems to happen over days, weeks, months, or years of captivity and close contact to the captor.

A bond can grow between the victim and the captor. This can lead to kind treatment and less harm from the abuser as they might also create a positive bond with their victims.

Someone who has Stockholm syndrome might have confusing feelings toward the abuser, including:

Love
Sympathy
Empathy
Desire to protect them

Stockholm syndrome might also cause the hostage to have negative feelings toward the police or anyone who might try to attempt a rescue.

People have likely experienced this syndrome for a long time, but it was first named in 1973 by Nils Bejerot, a criminologist in Stockholm, Sweden. He used the term to explain the unexpected reaction hostages of a bank raid had toward their captor.

Despite being held against their will in a life-threatening situation, these individuals made positive relationships with their captors. They even helped them pay for their lawyers after they were caught.

Why Do You Get Stockholm Syndrome?

Not all people who are in situations experience Stockholm syndrome. It’s not entirely clear why some people react this way, but it's thought to be a survival mechanism. A person might create these bonds as a way to cope with the extreme and terrifying situation.

Some key pieces seem to increase the likelihood of a Stockholm syndrome. These include:

Being in an emotionally charged situation for a long time
Being in a shared space with the hostage-taker with poor conditions (e.g. not enough food, physically uncomfortable space)
When hostages are dependent on a hostage-taker for basic needs
When threats to life are not carried out (e.g. mock executions)
When hostages haven’t been dehumanized

A person might be abused and severely threatened by a captor or an abuser, but they also rely on them to survive. If the abuser is kind in any way, they might cling to this as a coping mechanism for survival. They might have sympathy toward them for this kindness.

There isn’t very much research on Stockholm syndrome, but it seems that it’s not just people who are held hostage who experience it. It can happen in different settings.

Child abuse. Abuse can be very confusing for children. Abusers often threaten and physically harm their victims, but they might also show kindness that can be interpreted as love or affection. An emotional bond can grow between the child and the abuser that often protects the abuser for a long time.

Sports. Children or youth who have abusive athletic coaches might develop Stockholm syndrome. If they start to rationalize the coach’s behavior, they might defend or sympathize with them. This might lead to having Stockholm syndrome.

Abuse. Sexual, physical, or emotional domestic abuse can lead to confusing emotional bonds between the victim and the abuser.

Sex trafficking. People who are trafficked and forced into sex trade work become dependent on captors for basic needs. They might develop an emotional bond as a way to survive.

Impact of Stockholm Syndrome on Health

Stockholm syndrome isn’t listed as a formal mental health diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM–5). People who have this syndrome seem to have some other common symptoms, though:‌

Embarrassment about their emotions toward an abuser
Confusion
Guilt
Difficulty trusting others
Post-traumatic Stress Disorder
- Nightmares
- Insomnia
- Flashbacks
- Startling easily

After abuse or being held captive, they might also have many other symptoms, including:

Denial
Social withdrawal
Chronic feeling of tension
Feelings of emptiness
Feelings of hopelessness
Depression
Anxiety
Learned helplessness
Excessive dependence
Loss of interest in activities

Getting back into daily life and adjusting after trauma can be difficult. It can be very hard for victims to talk about their experience as it can re-traumatize them.

If you feel you have Stockholm syndrome or know someone who might, you should speak to a therapist. Therapy can help you through recovery, post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, and depression.

A therapist can also help you learn coping mechanisms and help you process the way you feel. They can help you reassign attitudes and emotions to understand that this is a survival mechanism you used to get through an experience.

Stockholm Syndrome: Causes, Symptoms, Examples

Stockholm syndrome is commonly linked to high profile kidnappings and hostage situations. Aside from famous crime cases, regular people may also develop this psychological condition in response to various types of trauma.

In this article, we’ll take a closer look at what exactly the Stockholm syndrome is, how it got its name, the types of situations that may lead to someone developing this syndrome, and what can be done to treat it.

Stockholm syndrome is a psychological response. It occurs when hostages or abuse victims bond with their captors or abusers. This psychological connection develops over the course of the days, weeks, months, or even years of captivity or abuse.

With this syndrome, hostages or abuse victims may come to sympathize with their captors. This is the opposite of the fear, terror, and disdain that might be expected from the victims in these situations.

Over the course of time, some victims do come to develop positive feelings toward their captors. They may even begin to feel as if they share common goals and causes. The victim may begin to develop negative feelings toward the police or authorities. They may resent anyone who may be trying to help them escape from the dangerous situation they’re in.

This paradox does not happen with every hostage or victim, and it’s unclear why it occurs when it does.

Many psychologists and medical professionals consider Stockholm syndrome a coping mechanism, or a way to help victims handle the trauma of a terrifying situation. Indeed, the history of the syndrome may help explain why that is.

Episodes of what is known as Stockholm syndrome have likely occurred for many decades, even centuries. But it wasn’t until 1973 that this response to entrapment or abuse came to be named.

That’s when two men held four people hostage for 6 days after a bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden. After the hostages were released, they refused to testify against their captors and even began raising money for their defense.

After that, psychologists and mental health experts assigned the term “Stockholm syndrome” to the condition that occurs when hostages develop an emotional or psychological connection to the people who held them in captivity.

Despite being well known, however, Stockholm syndrome is not recognized by the new edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. This manual is used by mental health experts and other specialists to diagnose mental health disorders.

Stockholm syndrome is recognized by three distinct events or “symptoms.”

Symptoms of Stockholm syndrome

The victim develops positive feelings toward the person holding them captive or abusing them.
The victim develops negative feelings toward police, authority figures, or anyone who might be trying to help them get away from their captor. They may even refuse to cooperate against their captor.
The victim begins to perceive their captor’s humanity and believe they have the same goals and values.

These feelings typically happen because of the emotional and highly charged situation that occurs during a hostage situation or abuse cycle.

For example, people who are kidnapped or taken hostage often feel threatened by their captor, but they are also highly reliant on them for survival. If the kidnapper or abuser shows them some kindness, they may begin to feel positive feelings toward their captor for this “compassion.”

Over time, that perception begins to reshape and skew how they view the person keeping them hostage or abusing them.

Several famous kidnappings have resulted in high profile episodes of Stockholm syndrome including those listed below.

High profile cases

Patty Hearst. Perhaps most famously, the granddaughter of businessman and newspaper publisher William Randolph Hearst was kidnapped in 1974 by the Symbionese Liberation Army (SLA). During her captivity, she renounced her family, adopted a new name, and even joined the SLA in robbing banks. Later, Hearst was arrested, and she used Stockholm syndrome as a defense in her trial. That defense did not work, and she was sentenced to 35 years in prison.
Natascha Kampusch. In 1998, then 10-year-old Natascha was kidnapped and kept underground in a dark, insulated room. Her kidnapper, Wolfgang Přiklopil, held her captive for more than 8 years. During that time, he showed her kindness, but he also beat her and threatened to kill her. Natascha was able to escape, and Přiklopil committed suicide. News accounts at the time report Natascha “wept inconsolably.”
Mary McElroy: In 1933, four men held 25-year-old Mary at gunpoint, chained her to walls in an abandoned farmhouse, and demanded ransom from her family. When she was released, she struggled to name her captors in their subsequent trial. She also publicly expressed sympathy for them.

While Stockholm syndrome is commonly associated with a hostage or kidnapping situation, it can actually apply to several other circumstances and relationships.

Stockholm syndrome may also arise in these situations

Abusive relationships. Research has shown that abused individuals may develop emotional attachments to their abuser. Sexual, physical, and emotional abuse, as well as incest, can last for years. Over this time, a person may develop positive feelings or sympathy for the person abusing them.

Child abuse. Abusers frequently threaten their victims with harm, even death. Victims may try to avoid upsetting their abuser by being compliant. Abusers may also show kindness that could be perceived as a genuine feeling. This may further confuse the child and lead to them not understanding the negative nature of the relationship.
Sex trafficking trade. Individuals who are trafficked often rely on their abusers for necessities, like food and water. When the abusers provide that, the victim may begin to develop positive feelings toward their abuser. They may also resist cooperating with police for fear of retaliation or thinking they have to protect their abusers to protect themselves.
Sports coaching. Being involved in sports is a great way for people to build skills and relationships. Unfortunately, some of those relationships may ultimately be negative. Harsh coaching techniques can even become abusive. The athlete may tell themselves their coach’s behavior is for their own good, and this, according to a 2018 study, can ultimately become a form of Stockholm syndrome.

If you believe you or someone you know has developed Stockholm syndrome, you can find help. In the short term, counseling or psychological treatment for post-traumatic stress disorder can help alleviate the immediate issues associated with recovery, such as anxiety and depression.

Long-term psychotherapy can further help you or a loved one with recovery.

Psychologists and psychotherapists can teach you healthy coping mechanisms and response tools to help you understand what happened, why it happened, and how you can move forward. Reassigning positive emotions can help you understand what happened wasn’t your fault.

Stockholm syndrome is a coping strategy. Individuals who are abused or kidnapped may develop it.

Fear or terror might be most common in these situations, but some individuals begin to develop positive feelings toward their captor or abuser. They may not want to work with or contact the police. They may even be hesitant to turn on their abuser or kidnapper.

Stockholm syndrome is not an official mental health diagnosis. Instead, it is thought to be a coping mechanism. Individuals who are abused or trafficked or who are the victims of incest or terror may develop it. Proper treatment can go a long way to helping with recovery.

Read this article in Spanish.

What is Stockholm syndrome and how to help get rid of it

May 4, 2021 Likbez A life

Everyone can become a victim.

You can listen to this article. If it's more convenient for you, turn on the podcast.

When Wolfgang died, Natasha was crying. She later lit a candle in his memory. It would have looked touching if not for the background of this event.

Natasha Kampush is a girl who was kidnapped by a maniac at the age of 10 and kept in the basement for eight years, using her as a sex slave. Wolfgang Priklopil is the same criminal from whose hands Natasha miraculously escaped. nine0003

The story of Kampusz and Priklopil is just one example of how the psychological phenomenon called Stockholm Syndrome manifests itself. Sometimes such stories look scandalous and even frightening. But the syndrome is much more common than it seems.

It is quite possible that you have one too. You just don't know about it yet.

What is Stockholm syndrome? Therefore, we recall only in general terms. nine0003

In 1973, armed terrorists seized a large bank in Stockholm. Four bank employees were taken hostage. The perpetrators hung the victims with explosive devices and placed them in a small room for six days. The hostages had no opportunity to get up and stretch themselves. It's okay to go to the toilet. They spent the first days under the constant threat of being shot for the slightest disobedience.

But when the police managed to free them, something strange happened. The victims did not hold a grudge against their tormentors. On the contrary, they sympathized with them. “Don’t touch them, they didn’t do anything bad to us!” one of the workers shouted, covering the terrorists from the police. A little later, another admitted that she considered one of the aggressors "very kind" for allowing her to move when she was lying on the floor of the bank. A third stated that he felt gratitude towards the kidnappers: “When he (Olsson, a terrorist. – Lifehacker) treated us well, we considered him almost a god.” nine0003

Forensic psychiatrist Niels Bejerot, who analyzed this story, called the victims' paradoxical attachment to their tormentors the Stockholm Syndrome.

Then, in the 1970s, psychiatrists encountered this phenomenon more than once. What is the famous kidnapping of Patty Hearst, heiress of the famous media mogul, just a year after Stockholm. The girl was kept in a cramped closet for many days, raped and beaten. It all ended with Patty falling in love with one of the kidnappers and sincerely joined their group. nine0003

What makes people become attached to rapists

In fact, Stockholm syndrome is even natural. The mechanism of its occurrence is closely connected with the instinct of self-preservation - one of the most powerful human instincts.

First, sympathy for the aggressor reduces the risk of being killed. If you smile, demonstrate obedience and understanding, then perhaps the rapist will take pity and give you life. In human history, replete with wars and conquests, this has happened millions of times. We are all descendants of people who survived only because they once showed sympathy for the aggressors. Stockholm Syndrome is hardwired into our genes. nine0003

Secondly, the manifestation of this syndrome increases group survival, since it serves as a unifying factor between the victim and the aggressor. Since you are on the same team, even against your will, it is more beneficial for everyone not to beat each other. Indirect bonus: if someone rushes to the rescue, and you are fighting with the aggressor, then in the heat of battle, the liberator can kill you too. Therefore, it is more profitable for a hostage to maintain peaceful, subordinate relations with the rapist: from the outside, it is clearer who is who.

Anyone can become a victim of Stockholm syndrome. It is enough to create the conditions for this.

In most cases, Stockholm syndrome is the result of severe psychological trauma. A shock of such a level that convinces a person: his life hangs in the balance and he has no one to rely on. Except perhaps the rapist - the only active subject who turned out to be nearby, with whom, albeit a tiny, but still chance of survival is connected.

What Stockholm Syndrome looks like in everyday life

To become a victim of the syndrome, it is not necessary to find yourself in a situation of kidnappers and hostages.

Only three conditions are sufficient:

psychological trauma associated with a threat to life;
close relationships in which there is a serious difference in the strength and capabilities of the parties;
difficulties in leaving this relationship.

Example 1: Relationship between an abusive parent and child

A mother or father may abuse a child, neglect him, severely punish him physically. But sometimes, in fits of good mood, they will give you candy. Or smile at him. This is enough for the child to remember only bright moments, and the parent becomes “almost a god” for him, like the terrorist Olsson in the eyes of the bank employees he captured. nine0003

Subsequently, these children will protect adults from, for example, the police who came on a call. Or lie to others, assuring that bruises are not from beatings, but from a simple fall.

Example 2: couple violence

Domestic violence, when someone, more often a woman, is dependent on her abusive partner, is a classic of domestic Stockholm syndrome. Everything develops in the same way. First, the victim finds herself in a traumatic situation where she has nowhere to look for help, and the rapist seems to hold her life in his hands. Then the aggressor presents the victim with “candy”: he demonstrates sincere repentance, gives gifts, talks about love. nine0003

Later, the beatings continue, but the victim is already on the hook: she remembers rare bright moments and even begins to sympathize with the aggressor. "He's good, I just bring him." Such painful relationships, full of physical and psychological abuse, can drag on for many years.

Example 3: a cruel boss or guru in religious sects

"He is tough but fair" - you must have heard similar formulations. Relations with a superior petty tyrant, who occasionally indulges in praise, can also be a peculiar form of this psychological phenomenon. In such cases, one speaks of the corporate Stockholm syndrome. nine0003

How to recognize Stockholm Syndrome

There are no generally accepted diagnostic criteria for identifying Stockholm Syndrome. This is largely due to the fact that this phenomenon is not an officially recognized disease or mental disorder. You will not find it in any authoritative psychiatric manual. The syndrome is seen rather as an unconscious survival strategy.

However, there are still some general signs by which a victim of Stockholm syndrome can be recognized. Here they are. nine0003

Understanding that a person shows towards a rapist. "It's not him, it's the circumstances that forced him to do this."
Position “I am to blame”. The victim may reason like this: if I behave "right", the attitude towards me will change.
Belief in the kindness of the aggressor. "He's good, just an explosive character."
Feeling of pity for the tormentor. "He's like that because his father beat him as a child." “He is like this because society does not recognize his talent!”
Self-abasement, unconditional recognition of the power of the aggressor. "I'm worth nothing without him." "Without him, I'm lost." nine0054
Reluctance to part with the rapist. After all, "He is kind to me", "He appreciates me."
Unwillingness to cooperate with society or the police in bringing the tormentor to justice. “We shouldn’t interfere with outsiders in our relations.” “The police will just send him to jail without understanding, and he was good to me, I don’t want to be ungrateful.”

How to help someone who has Stockholm Syndrome

Here are a few rules to help get the victim out of a painful relationship. nine0003

1. Offer psychotherapy

Ideally, if you can persuade the victim to go to a psychotherapist. A specialist will help to sort out what is happening on the shelves. Describe what is happening to the person. It will make him think about the abnormality of the situation. This is the most effective way to get rid of.

If there is no opportunity for visits to a professional, try to encourage the victim to think. In conversations, as if by chance, without pressure, indicate important points. "You can't yell at people: it's disrespectful." "No one has the right to raise a hand against another person." Suggest reading an article about Stockholm Syndrome. Enlightenment is an important step towards getting rid of painful addiction. nine0003

2. Do not give advice or pressure

A victim of violence should have the right to make their own decisions. If you talk to a person from the position of “I know better what to do”, you only feed his helplessness once again.

3. Listen, Don't Judge

Being able to tell someone about your experiences sincerely and honestly, without fear of being told, "You're a fool yourself," is critical. It helps a person get rid of unnecessary emotions and turn on rational thinking. nine0003

4. Use the method of Socrates

The ancient Greek philosopher believed that a person himself can realize what is happening to him if you ask him leading questions. Genuinely ask the victim how she sees the situation. What does he feel about it. What ending can lead to what is happening. Do not make assertions or judgments. Just ask and listen.

5. Avoid polarization

Do not try to convince the person that the aggressor is a villain. This can lead to the opposite result: the victim "polarizes" - will become on the same side with the offender against the whole world. nine0003

6. Identify the hook that keeps Stockholm Syndrome and break it

Sometimes the hook is obvious. For example, a woman cannot end a relationship with an abusive husband simply because she believes she has nowhere to go. Or because she is afraid of losing the material wealth that the aggressor gives her in moments of good mood. Sometimes the hook is hidden more deeply.

Help the victim identify what specific need she is trying to satisfy in this painful relationship. Understanding what exactly keeps a person close to the rapist is the first step to liberation. nine0003

Syndrome of the Count of Monte Cristo

A person obsessed with a thirst for revenge, however bitter it may be to realize, takes years of a full life only from himself.

What a theatre!

Women and elephants never forget an insult

Hector Hugh Munro,
Scottish writer

From my window I see a strange man. He always walks along the same route, looking at his feet. His shoulders are slumped, his face is tense, he probably does not even remember the last time he smiled. If passers-by ask him for directions to the nearest theater, he gets angry. “What the hell is theater?! I want to exclaim to him. “Don’t you see that I am arguing with my wife?” nine0003

This is my friend Kesha a few years ago. I go down to him, and we walk together in the park. I want to take him by the hand. I saw on TV how they help a person struck by decompression - when they slowly, slowly lift him from the depths to a saving, but at the same time deadly surface.

Keshka is really out of his mind. It even seems to me that he trembles all the time - some kind of invisible, internal trembling. My friend is obsessed with plans of revenge on his ex-wife, who out of the same sense of revenge - for divorce - took away his little daughter from him in court. nine0003

By the way, her daughter is adopted from Keshka's previous marriage. In my opinion, here even Euripides is resting with his Medea, who, in revenge on her husband, killed her own sons ...

For many months now my friend has been unable to think or talk about anything other than "this one". But I want to believe that this madness with a friend - regardless of the outcome of the lawsuit - will soon pass. Although I know that the "ashes of Klaas" can knock on the heart of a wounded person for many years. And it can even develop into manic vindictiveness, anger at everyone and everything, and even turn into a serious illness, and not only mental. nine0003

After all, resentment and a thirst for revenge do not devour the offender - he usually remains in happy ignorance about this. They poison the life of the avenger himself, leaving behind all the new areas of his soul burned to the ground. It is like a continued cumulative effect of the same previously inflicted injury, only now its price is much higher. This price is months and years of a full life, which the offended, which he later realizes with bitterness, takes away from himself.

A dog incessantly chasing its own tail is another devastatingly accurate image on this subject. nine0003

Such an obsessed avenger lives only in the past. The future is associated for him only with revenge, but the present, as it were, does not exist at all. The same Keshka, once raising his head, saw a beautiful tower next to his house: it seems that it was erected literally overnight. In fact, the construction, and rather noisy, ended six months ago.

The feeling of revenge usually matures in several stages.

It can't be! I do not believe!

How could he/she? nine0003

But why me?

I will take revenge on him (her)!

And finally, the most dangerous: I will take revenge on you all!

This is when the unsatisfied thirst for revenge is already so bursting with a person that in the absence of a real offender, it does not matter to him with whom to settle scores. And then the object of vengeance can easily be someone simply the most accessible for this - an innocent subordinate, a close person who lives nearby, a weak classmate or a rookie colleague. nine0003

Revenge as a punishment for … yourself?

It is wrong to think that the heart-rending passions described in Hamlet and The Merchant of Venice went into oblivion along with the Shakespearean era. Revenge is still found in our lives at every step, sometimes even more bloody and sophisticated than then. Simply satiated with information, fascinated by the clip-like nature of its flashing on the screen, we do not have time to think that what is happening around us is links in one chain.

Let us remember the locksmith who blew up a residential building in Arkhangelsk. Holocaust cartoons. The tragic death of journalist Anna Politkovskaya. Chechen leader Ramzan Kadyrov's hunt for his father's killers. Sochi beauty with a face disfigured by acid. The inconsolable head of the family who stabbed the Swiss air traffic controller . ..

Of course, one should not imagine the world as a line of people who want revenge. At the same time, world history is in many ways a history of endless offenses and revenges, and the meanness and loftiness of the human spirit manifested in this.

Well, the thirst for revenge as a response to wounded pride or dignity is one of the strongest natural emotions, perhaps no less necessary for us than love. Nietzsche even called revenge the strongest of the instincts. Is it by chance that even the effect of experiencing someone else's satisfied sense of revenge is important for us? Let us recall how strong emotions were evoked not only by The Count of Monte Cristo, but also by some unassuming Voroshilov Shooter, not to mention Indian consumer goods a la Revenge and the Law. nine0003

Etymologically, the very concept of "revenge", "revenge" apparently means the desire of the offended to put the offender in his place, in his place. In fact, the avenger, rather, wants to just pay off the “bad self”, punishing this “bad self” in the person of the offender. That is, in any act of retribution, one can almost inevitably find the background of some personal drama, the complex relationship of the hero with himself.

Here's a thief spent several years in prison, after which he appeared directly in the courtroom and shot a man in a robe. It is clear why - because he considered the sentence pronounced by the judge unfair. But this is a motive, so to speak, of the first level, sufficient for a novice investigator. An experienced “investigator” will probably guess that the future avenger, moreover, did not find the strength to resist the vile intra-chamber orders; it was these sufferings that predetermined the commission of a new and, at first glance, completely senseless crime. nine0003

Or: a banker ordered a tax official who, with his audit, practically ruined the bank. But for an official, this is his job. And what's the point of waving your fists after a fight, risking a considerable time? After all, should a banker not know that money is a thing to come?

No, there is definitely some deep emotional hurt here. But what if the official extorted an exorbitant bribe and, having received less than he wanted, threw the banker? Agree, this radically changes the vision of the situation.

Having performed an act of retribution, the former prisoner, and possibly even the banker, hoped to be cleansed of the humiliating halo of the "lowered" - both in their own eyes and in the eyes of those around them. Throwing out a strong emotion, putting an end to self-criticism turned out to be more important for them than maintaining formal freedom.

Often we hurt the pride of our neighbor, without even thinking about it. Many years ago, a certain young provincial who entered the capital's school, to "thank you" to the mathematician for decorating the office, ingenuously blurted out in front of the whole class: "Cheers!" She, of course, took this as a mockery, the relations with her of the “offender” turned out to be hopelessly damaged, which ultimately led to his choice of a humanitarian path, thanks to which, by the way, these notes were born. nine0003

Or take the same Keshka. He did not immediately manage to understand that he had “fallen out of love” for a woman - not at all the same as for a man. If only because both have fundamentally different attitudes towards marriage. Let's try to look at the marriage union as a kind of agreement between the parties, where one partner used, and then let the other down at a convenient moment. This is already, you see, akin to treason, which should be followed quite logically by "execution".

Learning to hate correctly

Who restrains awakened anger,

as a chariot that has gone astray, I call him a charioteer;

the rest just hold the reins.

Buddha

I repeat: the impulse to release rage, to get rid of the resentment oppressing us is absolutely normal, in line with human nature. Another thing is how much we manage to control our emotions.

At a young age, of course, this is the most difficult thing. Moreover, we are not taught to hate correctly - we are only taught to love. And today, any strong emotions, especially those that adults consider harmful for a child, they simply prefer to extinguish. nine0003

Meanwhile, modern psychologists advise not to rush to a crying baby, not to rush to calm him down. It turns out that it is important that he, albeit in the presence of an adult, survive the physical expression of suffering (the same crying, trembling) until it stops by itself. And only then you should calm the baby.

A child who was able to get used to the manifestation of his own emotions, to accept it, in the long run and easier to live offended.

For adults who have not yet learned to control their emotional states, there are many ways to discharge. You can install a stuffed boss in the office and give him a good kick during the coffee break. Or hire a “listener” in the family, as was the case in the film of the same name, who will stoically take on all the outbursts of unbalanced households, and in the absence of it, entrust this unenviable mission to the same relatives. You can finally write a story about your experiences in your own blog or even a novel. nine0003

A change of habitual surroundings, switching of attention to a new object that carries strong substitute emotions - it can be a love passion or an exciting creative project, help to quickly get over an insult. In any case, especially at first, it is important to be among people as much as possible in front of whom you can speak out.

As for a mature person, there may be a more difficult problem here: why not try consciously, without all these psychotherapeutic props, to renounce the plans of your little Desert Storm? nine0003

Is it worth returning a splinter to a tree?

Let's think about what revenge is. Yes, aggression, yes, the evil inflicted on another - but also the pleasure derived from this evil! It turns out completely according to Schwartz: fighting a dragon, you yourself become a part of this dragon.

And another significant observation: it is difficult to find someone who would be happy with the fulfillment of such a desired retribution. Moreover, depression is very common after it. Is it because revenge as an event in a person's life is destructive, at best - it's just a dummy, a placebo? nine0003

It is not shameful to fall, the wise men say, it is not shameful not to rise. So let's think about it: to take revenge is to rise?

But the vengeful one restores the status quo! - perhaps they will object to me. For example, actor Andrey Panin does not at all consider the feeling of his hero from the Brigada series, who avenges his brother, to be evil or unconstructive.

- If everyone knew: if he did something for which he would always be avenged, and not some kind of state, but people would come and tear off his head ... The state can give five or seven years for a murder, - and, having caught the one who abducted people, especially children, handcuff him and give him to his relatives. Here is a fantasy that will play out among people! There will be punishment!..

But here is the writer and philosopher Alexander Kruglov, author of the book “First Approximations. Dictionary of aphorisms-definitions, qualifies revenge as "justice restored by baseness." I will refer to the opinion of another Russian philosopher A. Andreev. He also speaks of revenge as a restoration of justice - but as an act of excess, with a makeweight of other injustices, out of hatred.

I would only clarify the nature of this redundancy. And it is to push on the offender and his part of the blame in the conflict. Meanwhile, the guilt of the offended, albeit not obvious, indirect, is almost always present and is sometimes commensurate with the guilt of the offender himself. nine0003

I know, I know, it is not easy to convince a wounded, offended person with philosophical rantings. Let's look at the situation from a purely worldly side. Didn't the person who offended us do this because he just wanted to survive - to get somewhere, to achieve something, in general, "to be no worse than people"? The Lord had already punished him by not giving him the proper mind or talent to achieve this goal by worthy means - only pride. Is it worth it to take revenge?

But the fact that he managed to inflict a mortal insult on us is a signal of our vulnerability. At least, about the fact that so far we have not learned to coexist in harmony with the world, without making enemies and without getting into dead-end situations for ourselves. nine0003

It turns out that we should be grateful to the offender, who now, and not much later, gave us the opportunity to understand this. Or maybe we ourselves instinctively looked for someone who would stop us on the wrong path and help us wonder what chimeras the best years were wasted in pursuit of?

If you think about all this, and, by God, you feel a feeling of gratitude for the villain of the past… her tree. Let us remember that the experience of grievances, like any new experience, carries a rational grain for our development, which means that even from the corpse of unrealized revenge one can derive considerable benefit. nine0003

... Well, the universal remedy for all those who suffer revenge is well known, it is time.

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