Supporting a partner with depression

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SAMHSA’s National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.
Also visit the online treatment locator.

SAMHSA’s National Helpline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357) (also known as the Treatment Referral Routing Service), or TTY: 1-800-487-4889 is a confidential, free, 24-hour-a-day, 365-day-a-year, information service, in English and Spanish, for individuals and family members facing mental and/or substance use disorders. This service provides referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organizations.

Also visit the online treatment locator, or send your zip code via text message: 435748 (HELP4U) to find help near you. Read more about the HELP4U text messaging service.

The service is open 24/7, 365 days a year.

English and Spanish are available if you select the option to speak with a national representative. Currently, the 435748 (HELP4U) text messaging service is only available in English.

In 2020, the Helpline received 833,598 calls. This is a 27 percent increase from 2019, when the Helpline received a total of 656,953 calls for the year.

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No, we do not provide counseling. Trained information specialists answer calls, transfer callers to state services or other appropriate intake centers in their states, and connect them with local assistance and support.

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Last Updated: 08/30/2022

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How to help your loved one get out of depression

August 4, 2015Advice

When one partner gets depressed in a loving couple, it is hard for both. Sad days come, each of which brings new grief and may be the last for this relationship. But if you stop blaming your partner for a depressed mood and try to help, then depression will recede, and your union will only strengthen.

The word "depression" has been stuck in my teeth lately. It is used everywhere. They denote a protracted bad mood, it is used in jokes and memes. In fact, when true depression comes to your loved one, for some reason it becomes not at all funny, but rather sad and even scary.

You see the changes that happen to your partner: nothing pleases or surprises him, he can lie in bed all day, he is not interested in your conversations and attempts to entertain him. And you are simply torn apart by the influx of thoughts and emotions. Are you the cause of the depression? Maybe the relationship is over? How long will this continue and how can you help?

Depression is a dark experience for a couple. But you can pass it successfully. In this article, we will talk about how to help a partner and save your union. We're touching on the delicate topic of mental health, so you should understand that you don't have to blindly follow all the recommendations. Think about which ones and how you can use them for your couple.

Don't take the symptoms of depression personally

Most of the symptoms of depression make your couple the opposite of a happy union. A person in depression has a distorted perception of reality: even positive and joyful moments appear to him, if not in black, then definitely in gray.

Of course, he does not want to go out, go on dates, talk for hours and have sex. But these are generally accepted indicators of a good relationship. It is unlikely that one of your friends says: “We have such a wonderful couple! My beloved comes home in the evening, stares silently at the iPad for three hours, and then goes to bed without saying a word!”

Therefore, having noticed changes in your partner's behavior, you make the only correct conclusion, as it seems to you: he has lost all interest in you. Your friends will actively confirm this guess if you describe the situation to them.

The danger of depression is also in its invisibility. If a person has a broken leg, he also cannot walk and have a lot of sex, but everyone can see why - here is the cast. We cannot point a finger at the internal state, therefore we explain external changes for ourselves in the most common and simple way: love has passed. This conviction is further strengthened if you see that with other people your partner continues to behave as before, and alone with you - it deflates like a balloon. Literally, Darling's blog claims it's actually good:

Literally, Darling

blog

We almost always take the constant bad mood of a loved one at our own expense. You begin to feel that you are the cause of the oppressed state. A depressed person cannot behave as usual, and even more so with loved ones who know him thoroughly. While among strangers, he can pretend for a short time that everything is in order.

Naturally, it hurts you to see how your partner behaves quite normally with others and completely changes around you. But, surprisingly, this is a good sign. This means that he completely trusts you, loves you and allows himself to reveal what is really in his soul. If he sometimes tries to push you away, do not be offended, move away, but stay close.

Depression can affect a person for many reasons: illness or death of loved ones, one's own poor health, problems at work, difficulties with relatives or friends. But its symptoms will affect you first of all: he will suddenly become bored talking to you, he will not want to go somewhere or even watch TV shows in the evening.

If you can't get rid of the thought that your partner just doesn't want to be with you, ask him directly. And when he answers that it's not about you, accept this answer, calm down and start solving the problem of his poor moral health together.

Work together to develop a depression recovery plan

Don't take depression symptoms personally, but don't ignore them either. Yes, your partner is not showing any romantic feelings right now, but he will still be hurt if you dismiss his condition. If your loved one is sick or injured, you do not blame him, but take care of him and help him recover. Do the same with depression.

In fact, for someone who is trying to cope with a depressed state of mind, relationships are a huge help. But only if you are moving in the same direction and acting together: you need to understand your partner and take practical steps together. The Anxiety and Depression Association of America offers a variety of techniques to deal with depression: studying your condition, setting goals, recording results. However, the best method of treatment is joint work with a loving person.

American Depression Association

Mental health professionals are increasingly recommending couples and family treatment programs. After training with a doctor, a partner or family member can help the patient at home, that is, provide round-the-clock therapy for him. The "house doctor" should be near the patient in situations that exacerbate anxiety and bad mood, and support him by reducing anxiety.

Your partner may not want to be treated. In this case, you can not press on him and rush him. You can support, but not force. You can try to start by looking for a good doctor together or reading articles about treatment. The main thing for the two of you is to understand that you are together and you are moving in the same direction.

If your efforts are thwarted by your partner's stubbornness, if he rejects your support and is sure that he does not need help, then decide for yourself whether you want to continue in this relationship and wait for positive changes, or do you not have the strength for this? But do not be a tractor for your partner, he must only understand and accept that he needs help.

Give your partner some space.

Treatment for depression will always be messy. It's like letting your cat stomp around in paint and then run across a white sheet. It seems that your treatment plan has been worked out to the last detail, the goals have been set, everything is neatly recorded in the observation log, and you are cheerfully moving along the right path.

But one morning the patient wakes up and feels hopeless... Everything is bad, so much hard work has been done, but nothing helps, the soul is still empty and terribly sad. It would be better now to curl up in a ball of sadness and renounce the whole world.

This happens, and it is natural. But at these moments you want to either give your patient a good kick so that he stops sour, or completely abandon the treatment, because it does not bear fruit. Take your time, one bad day is not the end of the world. Although your love will not be the main cure for depression, it is still important for the patient, says psychotherapist Rita de Maria.

Rita de Maria

psychotherapist

Your partner needs your love, your presence, your warmth. It won't stop depression, just as it won't, for example, lower blood sugar or relieve arthritis pain. And yet, your feelings can change the “broken” processes in your partner’s head, revive his positive thoughts and raise his self-esteem during this difficult period.

Depression radically changes the habitual life. What made you happy ceases to make you happy; what fascinated or interested now does not evoke even a drop of emotions. The presence next to someone who accepts this state without judgment or resentment is very supportive and even inspiring.

Set boundaries to save yourself

It is always very difficult to support a depressed person. Sometimes the overexertion will reach proportions that will endanger your own mental health. There is no need for sacrifices like: “I will do everything so that my loved one is healthy.” When helping a partner, set clear boundaries for your presence, do not completely dissolve in his state. Leave time for your hobbies, meetings with friends, and just to be alone.

Sure you want to help. But you don’t need to subordinate your life to your partner’s depression, for this you will pay with the stability of your morale. You may even refuse to be your loved one's "home therapist" if you feel that this is too much for you.

There are other ways to help: remind the patient to fill out a journal or take medicine, encourage him to go to the doctor or persuade him to the next session of psychotherapy. But don't lay everything on the altar of his illness, he has to do something too.

And this is not cruelty, not a manifestation of dislike. You need to take care of yourself, otherwise you both may find yourself in a pit of hopelessness. You can be a very loving partner, but if you play with one goal, and your patient does not want to do anything, then this will give rise to grief and resentment, which will lead to the destruction of the union.

Allow yourself to speak up when you are unhappy with something, do not be afraid that you will cause a relapse and worsen the condition of your loved one. Of course, some minor upsets can be “preserved” in yourself, but be sure to talk about significant grievances.

At the end of this article, I would like to write: we hope that our advice will not be useful to you, because you and your loved ones will always be in a cheerful mood. In any case, always remember that everything in life changes, and if you have a dull gray streak, then it will definitely end.

6 recommendations on how to communicate with him during this period

In an ideal world, personal life is like a romantic comedy from the 90s. You met, fell in love, rarely quarrel and go into the sunset together. But in real life, relationships are never easy (hello, growing up). Depression affects almost 20% of adults in the United States (there are no large-scale statistics for Russia, but it is unlikely to be much less, given the cases when people do not find a competent doctor). This means that there are chances that you or your partner will be depressed. By the way, this is also possible in long-term relationships, so ten years of marriage is not a guarantee! Of course, depression can affect relationships in a couple. And this is how you should behave in this situation, experts say.

Vita Zorina

Tags:

Love

Personal life

Depression

Adam Lee

1. Study the question

Do not self-medicate! In our articles, we collect the latest scientific data and the opinions of authoritative health experts. But remember: only a doctor can diagnose and prescribe treatment.

Many books and articles have now been written about what happens to people who are depressed. This will make it easier to understand what's going on. Depression is not a fictional disease, but a violation of the chemical processes in the brain, because of which a person constantly feels bad emotionally. He needs moral support, but he also has the right to refuse it.

2. Just be there

People who are depressed sometimes feel the right thing to be alone and not ask anyone for help. Then it is enough to be there, and not to pester with suggestions or ask not to think badly of yourself.

3. Be proactive

Encourage the depressed person to take positive joint action. For example, get up for dinner, go for a short walk after it. Try to support, not push. Do not remind you to take pills or visit a doctor without asking.

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