How to break away from a toxic relationship

11 Tips for Leaving a Toxic Relationship

Published: August 26, 2022 Updated: August 29, 2022

Published: 08/26/2022 Updated: 08/29/2022

Intimate relationships can go through ups and downs, but a toxic relationship is one that is consistently draining and distressing. Partners in a toxic relationship do not support each other, often display competitiveness and disrespect, and try to undermine each other. If you’re in a toxic relationship, it might be time to make a plan to leave.

You don’t have to face leaving a toxic relationship alone. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you.

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What Is a Toxic Relationship?

On the surface, it might seem like a toxic relationship is easy to spot. But things can get complicated when toxicity is tied to a romantic relationship. If this is the case, and you think you might be in a toxic relationship, it may be time to make some healthy changes.

Toxic Relationships vs Abuse & Domestic Violence

Toxic relationships and abusive relationships can have some overlap, but there is a difference. In an abusive relationship, one partner is always in control. A partner who is aware of their actions and chooses abusive behaviors to show dominance and instigate violence is an abusive partner who wants to maintain control over the other partner. It might start out as emotional abuse and become physical over time.

Abusive relationships can be hard to recognize but it’s important to be aware of the cycles of abuse and different types of abuse outside of physical and emotional abuse, such as financial abuse or academic abuse. Toxic relationships that turn abusive can also use physical intimacy to perpetuate abuse using sexual coercion. In any relationship, there needs to be respect.

Here are five signs you may be in a toxic relationship:

Constant unhappiness: If you feel sad, angry, anxious, or resigned to the relationship. Negative shifts in your mental health, personality, or self-esteem can be red flags as well. These shifts could range from feeling on edge around your partner to clinically diagnosable conditions such as depression or anxiety.
Your partner has no friends other than you: Relationships are stronger when both partners have friends and interests outside of each other. If your partner is possessive and discourages you from going out with friends, that is a red flag.
Your partner calls you names or criticizes you personally: Personal attacks and/or devaluing someone’s personality, values, or physical appearance are a hallmark sign you are in a toxic relationship.

Your partner constantly texts you to check-in: Staying in touch by sending silly memes or cute messages is positive, but a toxic partner will use texting to control you. This could include tracking your location, asking you to text back frequently or take pictures to prove where you are.
Your friends or family hate your partner: How those close to you feel about your partner is probably the most underrated yet most important sign of a toxic relationship. Pay close attention to what your loved ones tell you and also if you feel like there are things you can’t tell them.

Why Leaving a Toxic Relationship Is So Hard

Leaving a toxic relationship can be very hard because of all the emotional labor and time spent trying to make the relationship work. It can feel like an internal failure, or that by leaving you are giving up on something you’ve invested in. While there are ways to turn a toxic relationship around (which involves a lot of emotionally challenging work from both partners), it’s important to acknowledge that not all toxic relationships can be saved.

Our bodies and minds tend to like familiarity, and that can keep us in situations that are bad for our health. When there is no progress taking place, it might even become harder to leave as there are fewer ways to justify staying. Leaving can be difficult, but it’s important to recognize all the advantages of ending a toxic relationship and focusing on the new opportunity to find a relationship that will fulfill you.

When to End a Toxic Relationship

People get stuck in relationship patterns that can be difficult to break out of, but if your relationship is toxic you will become more damaged by staying in it. While a relationship does not have to involve abuse for it to be considered toxic, all abusive relationships are toxic. Not all toxic relationships can or should be saved. However, any form of domestic abuse, whether it’s physical, sexual, or emotional should be an automatic relationship-ender.

Get Help From A Relationship Coach

A dating or relationship coach is not a therapist. Therapists are state licensed providers of mental health services.

Want to improve your dating life or relationships? Get help from professionals! The certified dating coaches from Relationship Hero have assisted thousands of people improve their dating lives and relationships. They provide advice, encouragement, and support. Relationship Hero has a team of people that will match you with the right coach based on your goals and experiences. Find A Dating Or Relationship Coach

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11 Tips for Leaving a Toxic Relationship

It can be difficult to know where to start, even when you’re motivated to leave a toxic relationship. It’s important to have a support system and find ways to boost your own self esteem—if you feel stuck, it might be time to talk to a therapist for more support.

Here are 11 tips for how to leave a toxic relationship:

1. Build a Support System

The feelings you experience after a toxic breakup are similar to going through a breakup in a healthy relationship. You will feel sad, conflicted, lovesick, relieved, depressed, and more. Leaving a toxic relationship is even more challenging if you have been financially dependent on your ex—but don’t despair. Rather than focusing on why this will be hard, focus on building the support system you will need when you decide to leave. Research shows that family and friend support during difficult times decreases psychological distress.¹ Having a support system to lean on will make the transition easier for you.

2. Stay Firm With Your Decision to Leave

It’s called a breakup because it’s broken. If you’re at the point of ending the relationship, you have probably made attempts to get your partner to change their ways without success. If this is the case, you will need to remind yourself often that it is not your fault. Even if an abusive or toxic ex changes their ways, it is likely due to the shock of the breakup. If you get back together, their chances of returning to their toxic behaviors is very high. Following through on leaving a toxic relationship will require being firm in your decision.

3. Cut Off Contact

It will be crucial for you to cut off contact with your ex once the relationship has ended. Keeping in contact with your ex opens the door to getting back together. Toxic people can be emotionally manipulative and may use emotional blackmail to lure you back in. When you decide to leave your partner, end any form of communication with them unless you share children and need to co-parent. If this is the case, only communicate about the children.

4. Unfollow Them on Social Media

Seeing your ex across social media will keep the memory of the relationship fresh, so it’s crucial that you block them on your phone and find ways to avoid running into them in person. These actions will set a clear boundary that the toxic relationship is over, and help you stop thinking about them altogether.

5. Know That You Deserve Better

Months or years of being verbally abused or told you will never find anyone better can wear a person down, and you might start to believe it. But this is not true. Tearing down self-esteem and self-worth is the technique toxic partners use to keep their partner trapped in the relationship. Let “I deserve better!” become your daily mantra, by replacing negative beliefs about your self-worth with positive, affirming ones. You need to move forward for your own mental and emotional well-being.

6. Seek Professional Help From a Therapist

Depending on the level of seriousness, leaving a toxic relationship can require help in creating a game plan. Confiding in friends and family or finding a therapist to speak with can be helpful as well. A good therapist can help you cope, rebuild your sense of self-worth, and address any safety issues. A therapist can be an unbiased resource to guide you and hold you accountable for creating goals and sticking to them.

7. Keep a Journal of Your Emotions

Writing about your feelings and emotions might be the last thing you feel like doing. You might feel too tense to focus and worried that writing it down might make you feel worse. Expressive writing might make you feel more anxious, scared, or upset, but fast-forward a few weeks and research shows you will probably notice both mental and physical benefits, including:¹

Fewer visits to the doctor
Improved immune system
Improved mood
Better sense of well-being
Lower blood pressure

8. Make a Detailed Plan

If you’ve decided to leave a toxic relationship, make a plan for how you will deal with the transition. If you don’t currently have a career, you might consider going to school, getting new training, or beginning a job. Financial independence is crucial to your freedom. Also, make clear plans regarding where you will move, which possession you will take with you, etc.

9. Surround Yourself With Positivity

Practice self-care by surrounding yourself with positivity; spend time with people who make you feel good, treat yourself to your favorite meal, engage with your faith community, exercise, and do things that make you smile. People in toxic relationships need healing, a process that takes time. Being in a toxic relationship can cause incalculable, toxic stress, so it is essential to try to replace negative emotions with positive ones.

10. Express Your Feelings

It is important to express your feelings to your partner when you have decided to leave. If your partner is emotionally mature, an in-person conversation is best; however if they are short-tempered or emotional, writing out your feelings may be best.

It is important to express how your partner makes you feel without directing blame. Avoid phrases like, “You make me feel…” and instead express your feelings by saying something like, “I feel very sad or angry when I hear you say…” You can’t control how the other person responds, but you can control how you express your feelings (in a neutral way). Regardless of their response, expressing your feelings is an essential step to leaving the relationship.

11. Stick With Your Decision

After leaving a toxic relationship, it is normal to miss the person, remembering only the good times and forgetting the toxic parts. It can be tempting to want the person back in your life, but keep in mind that you came to the decision to leave after a long, thoughtful process and for concrete reasons.

Reach out to your support system, because they will keep you accountable to your decision. Also, review the reasons that led you to leave the toxic relationship. Stay strong and stick to your decision.

Separation & Divorce Support Groups

Circles offers support groups that provide a safe place to share your experiences and learn from others going through similar experiences. Circles offers groups focused on the those living through a separation or divorce. Groups meet weekly by video and are led by expert facilitators. Your group can connect via chat anytime using the Circles app. Join a Circles group for just $20 per week. Learn More

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How to Get Over a Toxic Relationship

The after effects of being in a toxic relationship can take a toll on your health, lead to depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. It’s important to take some time for yourself to reflect and recharge.

To heal yourself from the negative effects of a toxic relationship, follow these steps as you move forward:

1. Focus on Self-Love

It takes time to heal wounds, so give yourself the chance to prove that you are worthy of love and being in a healthy relationship. Remember to love yourself even on the darkest, most challenging days, because only you can save yourself. Get back into hobbies that you used to enjoy. Go on coffee dates with yourself, because you don’t need a partner to make you feel special.

2. Feel Every Emotion

As overwhelming as it might be, it is essential to go through all of the emotions that come up after leaving a toxic relationship. You are allowed to cry and feel sad because these are normal human emotions. This might be a good opportunity to seek assistance from a therapist who can guide you and help you cope and restore your sense of self-worth.

3. Don’t Jump Into a New Relationship Prematurely

Give yourself time to heal before getting into a new relationship, in order to avoid having a rebound. This is a crucial time to focus on introspection and to analyze where you stand. It is also a good time to learn from your mistakes and to become clear about the type of relationship you will choose to invest your time in.

4. Remember It’s All Right to Not Get Closure

Moving on without getting closure can be difficult, but keep in mind that it is all temporary. Don’t wait for an apology from a toxic partner. Instead, be the bigger person and let go of any bitterness you might be holding on to. A helpful tip is to fill the empty void and days with something more productive, such as a new hobby or new skills. This will keep your mind busy and distracted.

Final Thoughts

If you are dealing with issues in a toxic relationship, talking to a therapist can make a big difference in how you feel. If you’re having difficulty coping or need help creating boundaries, do not hesitate to reach out to a therapist. You deserve to be happy in your life, but you have to make the leap!

Additional Resources

Education is just the first step on our path to improved mental health and emotional wellness. To help our readers take the next step in their journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy may be compensated for referrals by the companies mentioned below.

Talkspace (Online Therapy For Individuals & Couples) – In couples counseling, you can work together on improving communication, building trust, and resolving conflict. Also, you can work on making sex more enjoyable and fulfilling. Talkspace works with several major insurers including Optum, Cigna, Aetna, and UnitedHealthCare. Try Talkspace

BetterHelp (Online Therapy) – Dating is complicated and emotionally challenging. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you. Get Started

Online-Therapy.com (Online Therapy) – Are you dating someone with mental illness or addiction? Don’t face these challenges alone! The Online-Therapy.com standard plan includes a weekly 45 minute video session, unlimited text messaging between sessions, and self-guided activities like journaling. Recently, they added instructional Yoga videos. Get Started

Headspace (Meditation App) – Mindfulness and meditation can change your life. In a few minutes a day with Headspace, you can start developing mindfulness and meditation skills. Free Trial

Choosing Therapy’s Directory – Find an experienced therapist who has your best interests in mind. You can search for a therapist by specialty, availability, insurance, and affordability. Therapist profiles and introductory videos provide insight into the therapist’s personality so you find the right fit. Find a therapist today.

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For Further Reading

Mental Health America
National Alliance on Mental Health
MentalHealth.gov

1 sources

Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.

University of Rochester Medical Center. (n.d.). Journaling for mental health. Retrieved from https://www. urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?ContentID=4552&ContentTypeID=1

update history

We regularly update the articles on ChoosingTherapy.com to ensure we continue to reflect scientific consensus on the topics we cover, to incorporate new research into our articles, and to better answer our audience’s questions. When our content undergoes a significant revision, we summarize the changes that were made and the date on which they occurred. We also record the authors and medical reviewers who contributed to previous versions of the article. Read more about our editorial policies here.

Originally Published: December 1, 2021
Original Author: Insha Rahman, LCSW
Original Reviewer: Benjamin Troy, MD
Updated: August 26, 2022
Author: No Change
Reviewer: No Change
Primary Changes: Edited for readability and clarity. Reviewed and added relevant resources. Added “Toxic Relationships vs Abuse & Domestic Violence” and “Why Leaving a Toxic Relationship Is So Hard”. New material written by Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C and reviewed by Kristen Fuller, MD.

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10 Steps to End a Toxic Relationship

Ending a toxic relationship may not be easy or quick. But it will be worth it when you open up your life again.

The question of how to end a toxic relationship has many answers, but they all boil down to one: You do it very carefully.

Most often, you’ll need to do a lot of soul-searching, planning, talking it out, and then walking the tightrope to a new life.

You may be trying to figure out how to break up a toxic romantic relationship. But toxic relationships aren’t limited to romance. A toxic person may be a:

family member
co-worker
friend
partner of a friend or relative
neighbor
business partner
student at your school

So, step carefully. It’s worth it. You’re worth it. Take the time to do it right.

Also, it has to be said: Know your options if you anticipate even the smallest possibility of retaliatory abuse or violence. You can always get help. Always. Know your local emergency contacts, or contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

Here, we take you through 10 steps to ending a toxic relationship. There may be more or fewer steps for you; every situation is unique. You are unique. Here’s your chance to become that one again.

The first step toward solving any problem is to look it straight in the face. This is especially true for ending toxic relationships.

To admit you’re in a toxic relationship may seem like a small step. But actually, it’s huge.

You’re stepping across a canyon, from denial to acceptance.

You can do this.

Science has got your back. Much research shows the damaging health effects of continuing a toxic relationship. For example, a 2021 study found that feelings of being harassed, bullied, or ostracized in a toxic workplace can lead to:

stress
burnout
depression
anxiety

Writing about your emotions may be the last thing you feel like doing. You might feel too edgy to focus. And besides, you could be worried writing it down might make you feel worse.

Psychologists have a name for writing down your feelings: expressive writing. And they agree you might get more anxious, scared, or upset right after writing.

But fast-forward a few weeks, and research says you’ll probably notice both mental and physical benefits. A 2018 research review reported more than a dozen beneficial health outcomes from expressive writing, including:

fewer visits to the doctor for stress
improved immune system
lower blood pressure
improved lung function
fewer days in hospital
improved mood
greater sense of well-being

Your toxic relationship may even have its perks.

So, get out your journal and write them down. Do any of these sound familiar?

We share finances. I couldn’t afford to live alone.
She’s family. At least she babysits from time to time.
Sure, my boss is toxic. But at least I know what to expect.
I’m in my 60s and everything is familiar. How could I start life over?

Whatever your reasons and your perks, write them down. See whether the perks are really worth the price.

Hint: They’re probably not. Seeing this in black and white on paper can bring clarity.

There will be holes that open up in your life after the perks are gone. Now is the time to plan how to fill them up.

Say one of the perks of your toxic relationship is having a home. You might start looking for new living arrangements, even if it means bunking up with a friend or family member for a short time.

If shared finances are the perk, now could be the time to become open to a second job, or short-term gig. If companionship, or even love, is a perk, remind yourself that there are other fish in the sea.

Most importantly, start doing the things you love that your relationship kept you from doing.

Gary Lewandowski, a professor of psychology at Monmouth University and author of the book “You’re Stronger Than You Think,” did an experiment in which he asked people right after a breakup to do what he called “soul discovery activities. ”

These are activities that people love to do but felt they couldn’t do inside a toxic relationship. They’re mostly simple things like going out dancing or going to the beach.

In Lewandowski’s experiment, people returned after 2 weeks like new people, filled with hope and rejuvenation.

You can check out this article for ways to rediscover your values.

Refresh your cache by taking a look at which friends or family members can support you (and you, them!). Even one person is enough. They will give you courage and an idea of what life can be outside a toxic relationship. You can also consider reaching out to a therapist, or finding a support group.

These are people who will stay by you after you end the relationship. You’ll need them for emotional support, help getting a job, or ideas of a new place to live.

Research shows that the quality of your relationships can affect your immune system, as well as your mood, motivation, and coping skills. Having social support can even lower your risk of developing health conditions such as:

cancer
heart disease
depression
addiction

In addition to everyone in your support network, there’s one other person you desperately need on your side: you!

You are the one who knows you best and has been with you the longest.

Try writing down all the advice, love, and compassion you have, seal it up in an envelope, and send it to yourself.

If you can’t find enough self-love to do that just yet, that’s OK. Try writing the letter from a pseudonym friend who is the most compassionate person you can dream up.

This idea and many others comes from Dr. Kristin Neff, an associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin.

She’s the author of the book “Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.” In her book, she offers exercises — such as letter-writing — and action plans for getting through a debilitating struggle, like ending a toxic relationship.

There’s nothing wrong with giving yourself a reward for taking a positive step forward.

Say you’ve managed to send that soon-to-be former friend a polite no to their text message requesting your time. Reward yourself by doing something you truly enjoy. Maybe it’s reading a book by yourself, or getting your go-to favorite drink.

This tactic can be overused, of course, and turn into distraction or escapism. You don’t want to do that. But doing something that’s hard and then rewarding yourself can help your motivation.

A 2018 research review found that rewards can increase motivation and help you reach your goals. The researcher points out that the neural pathways of reinforcement and learning are some of the most ancient in our brains.

If rewards have worked down through the ages, it can certainly work for you!

When you end a toxic relationship, you may feel guilty for many reasons. Maybe you feel guilty that you:

stayed too long in the relationship
hurt the other person
think the relationship might have harmed your children

Whatever the reason you feel guilty, the first step toward healing is self-forgiveness. Forgiveness can help you emotionally and physically. Johns Hopkins Medicine explains that forgiveness can:

lower the risk of heart attack
reduce blood pressure
improve cholesterol levels
reduce levels of anxiety, depression, and stress

Affirmations can be powerful tools of change. If you want to feel strong, for example, try saying “I am strong” to yourself. Of course, you’ll need to take practical steps too!

The brain actually changes with regular self-affirmation practice. According to a 2016 study, MRI images suggest that certain neural pathways become more active in people who practice self-affirmation.

You can get the full run down on affirmations here.

Most relationship experts say one of the best things you can do after a breakup of any kind is to give yourself time to heal. This is especially true after a toxic relationship.

Take all the time you need after you close that chapter to breathe and savor life again. Focus on what matters in your life.

In “Ready to Heal: Women Facing Love, Sex, and Relationship Addiction,” author Kelly McDaniel encourages folks who’ve just broken off a toxic relationship to lay low and resist the urge to pack your day with too many activities.

She writes:

“The energy it takes to endure withdrawal [to an addictive or toxic relationship] is equivalent to working a full-time job. Truthfully, this may be the hardest work you’ve ever done. In addition to support from people who understand your undertaking, you must keep the rest of your life simple. You need rest and solitude.”

Ending a toxic relationship can be difficult and time consuming. But it can also be invigorating and freeing. It can open up your life to you again.

Be sure to take the time and energy to do it properly. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been in the relationship a long time. You always have a way out and a right to take that path.

These 10 steps can help get you on the right track. The support network you build around yourself will help you do the rest.

Stay safe. Know your options if you anticipate even the smallest possibility of retaliatory abuse or violence. You can always get help. Always. Know your local emergency contacts, or contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

No matter what step of ending a toxic relationship you’re at, congratulate yourself for coming this far. Remind yourself that you deserve a healthy relationship.

And if you’re still trying to find the strength to take the first step, listen to the words of relationship adviser Gary Lewandowski in his TED Talk:

“Sure, your relationship might leave you with a few cracks, but those cracks, those imperfections, those are sources of strength and beauty, because breakups don’t have to leave you broken, because you’re stronger than you know.”
— Gary Lewandowski

5 steps to get out of a toxic relationship - 7spsy

09/24/2019 Author: Psychologist Pavel Horoshutin

Relationships between people are multifaceted. But the main principle of emotionally comfortable communication remains one thing - in the interaction of two personalities, only positive emotions should prevail. Sympathy, respect for each other, trust, love. But what if communication gives a continuous negative? This is a toxic relationship that hurts at least one person. In the article, we will discuss important issues: what signs to recognize destructive relationships and whether it makes sense to fight for them.

Contents:

What relationship is called toxic?
Who can have a toxic relationship?
Signs of a Toxic Relationship
Toxic Relationship Test
Negative Consequences of a Toxic Relationship
What Stops You from Breaking Up a Toxic Relationship?
5 steps to end a toxic relationship

What is a toxic relationship?

“Toxic relationship” is an informal psychological term. But he very clearly describes what a person feels when dealing with certain personalities from his close (or not so) environment. This is any interaction between people that brings emotional pain and the complete depletion of the resources of one of the parties. Being in a toxic relationship means constantly experiencing depression, guilt, fear, anxiety. A whole range of emotions and feelings, but they all have a negative connotation. [1

Helping you get out of a toxic relationship

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It seems that toxic relationships are easy to recognize. Why so many problems in communicating with colleagues, husband / wife, friends, relatives, because you can simply cut off all ties? Unfortunately, toxic human behavior is often not considered as such, and we live for years without noticing what it is that destroys relationships that at first seemed ideal.

Between whom can toxic relationships arise?

The phrase "toxic behavior" is more often heard in the context of relationships between a man and a woman. But in fact, you can run into a person who will slowly but surely “poison” your life anywhere and anytime.

Consider special cases of toxic relationships.

Parents and children

Relationships with parents and other older relatives are formed over the years. But in some cases it is simply necessary to change this stable system.

According to American psychotherapist Jenny Miller, it is the younger generation that suffers most from toxic relationships between parents and children. The specialist identifies a number of mistakes on the part of parents that can “poison” a child’s life:

aggression and excessive severity;
excessive guardianship and control;
indifference;
humiliation;
emotional blackmail;
imposing one's opinion;
excessive demands;
persistent violations of personal boundaries;
"emotional merry-go-round" - sometimes a tough attitude, sometimes acts of kindness.

Toxic parents, perhaps without realizing it themselves, instill in the child feelings of fear, self-doubt, guilt, shame. Hence the numerous personal problems that prevent him in his adult life from building relationships with a partner, doing what he loves and reaching heights.

Children of toxic parents often repeat the traumatic experience of family relationships in one way or another. A girl from a family of alcoholics marries a person with addiction, experiencing the whole spectrum of negativity from the drunkenness of a loved one. And a boy raised by an emotionally cold mother finds exactly the same wife and suffers for many years from a toxic relationship with a woman who does not show warmth and affection. [2]

Spouses

A toxic relationship with a husband or wife in a family can be different both in form and in the degree of destructive power. But there is also a common characteristic - gradually developing dependence on a partner.

Experts say that people who suffer on the one hand in a toxic marriage often cannot imagine their lives in an emotionally healthy marriage. And no matter how bad the victim of the manipulator and aggressor may be, over time she stops even trying to get out of a toxic relationship. This is dependence on a partner and on those emotions (albeit negative ones) that he gives. [1]

Friends

The typical behavior of toxic buddies is to take everything (both tangible and intangible) from you without giving anything in return.

A toxic friend often borrows money and does not give it back later, almost always talks only about himself, exerts psychological pressure, goes to emotional blackmail. It's like he's doing you a favor by letting you be around.

A toxic relationship with a girlfriend or boyfriend is a one-way friendship. One of the parties in them always feels only disappointment.

Signs of toxic relationships

Destructive relationships, regardless of the specific area of life in which they manifest themselves, have similar signs. How do you know if a relationship is toxic? A person who is not ready to build a constructive interaction is given out by the following behavioral features:

Open or covert aggression.
Attempts to profit materially from relationships.
Groundless jealousy, which eventually turns into mania.
Criticism with the aim of humiliating, ridiculing and “subduing” oneself.
Arguing for the sake of arguing, so long as the interlocutor doesn't "win".
Emotional blackmail that becomes a means of manipulation.

Toxic Relationship Test

You can justify the “strange” behavior of a loved one for a long time, hoping that he will correct himself, be ready for a peaceful dialogue and constructive resolution of problems. As a rule, the signs of a toxic relationship with a man / woman are quite obvious, it is just necessary to objectively assess the current situation in a couple.

Take the test to see if you are really in a toxic relationship with your mother, husband, or work colleague. It is rather difficult to analyze in detail the behavior of an unfamiliar person. But if you've been in a relationship for a long time, it's easy to assess the "symptoms" of a toxic relationship. For every statement, in your opinion. corresponding to the truth, count 1 point.

You are unhappy in a relationship.
After communicating with a person, you feel moral exhaustion.
Constant criticism of a person has made you an insecure person.
You constantly feel guilty about a person's problems.
A person smoothly translates all conversations into a discussion of only his own problems.
You are worried that the person is trying to control your every action.
The person reproaches you harshly, making you feel ashamed, even if you had good reasons why you could not help him.
You are afraid of what the dialogue will lead to next time, because the person has sudden mood swings.
Sometimes you yourself do not understand how you agreed to do something for a person, because you no longer understand what is true and what is artful manipulation.
Relationships "slow down" your personal development. Now all the time is spent on solving the numerous problems of the other person.

Score:

Less than 3. You may not be interacting with a toxic person. And all problems in relations are connected with the next crisis.
3 to 7. Chances are you are in close contact with a toxic person. It makes sense to analyze more carefully whether a particular person brings a lot of negativity into your life.
More than 7. You are most likely stuck in a relationship with a toxic person. Listen to your feelings and take a healthy look at the existing problems. You will feel better if you end a toxic relationship.

Negative Consequences of Toxic Relationships

Clinical psychologist Seth Meyers identifies a number of the most serious consequences that will then take a long time to “treat” if you do not get out of a toxic relationship with a man / woman. [3]

Decreased self-esteem

People in toxic relationships almost always suffer from low self-esteem and sooner or later completely lose faith in themselves. The partner consciously or unconsciously builds interaction in such a way as to take full control over the situation.

And even if you get rid of toxic relationships, self-confidence and the desire to enjoy every day you live will not return soon.

Loss of self

A toxic person skillfully manipulates the feelings and actions of his partner. Time passes, and the victim forgets that once there were bright dreams and plans for self-realization. A person, out of habit, begins to live the way his partner wants. A vivid example is a toxic relationship with a mother, when a powerful woman manipulates the feelings of a child so that her beloved child is always “with her”. Any means are used - criticism, emotional blackmail, severe violation of personal boundaries. As a result, a grown-up child has no life of his own, only a mother.

Loss of personal integrity can lead to strong dependence on the toxic person. This makes it almost impossible to get out of a toxic relationship on your own.

Mental disorders

People who have been in toxic relationships for a long time often suffer from mental disorders - depression, neurosis, panic attacks, increased anxiety. This is a consequence of the emotional tension that exists between people. There is a risk that mental disorders will sooner or later have a negative impact on the physical condition of a person.

A typical case where the victim experiences not only emotional discomfort when interacting with another person is a toxic relationship with a man who shows open aggression. Cases of domestic violence, when a woman endures physical humiliation and pain for many years, are not new even in developed countries.

What prevents you from breaking off a toxic relationship?

Many people, even realizing the emotional discomfort that bonding with a partner brings, do not attempt to do anything to get out of a toxic relationship. This is the fear of loneliness, guilt, shame - those feelings that, most likely, the manipulator has developed in his victim over the years. And he feels these emotions, continuing to put even more pressure on the object of his bullying. And the victim, in turn, argues like this: “it’s better than one / one”, “I’ll stay, because sometimes I feel good with him / her”, “what people will say if I start to change something in my life. ”

And often unhealthy interaction with other people is a person's own choice. After breaking off one toxic relationship, he immediately finds another manipulator and liar. A kind of habit is formed. If over and over again it is not possible to build a constructive, trusting relationship with a partner precisely because of an unhealthy behavior model, psychological training using the 7Spsy behavior change technology will be effective. Positive attitudes will help you realize that being a victim in a relationship is a road to nowhere. The 7Spsy course will teach you to love and be loved, to find your happiness in life.

We will help you get out of a toxic relationship

5 steps to end a toxic relationship Especially if they lasted for many years. But when you decide to change your life for the better, take action.

Do not deny the problem

Do not deny the obvious. If the signs of a toxic relationship with a husband/wife are clearly manifest, stop looking for an excuse for the behavior of a loved one and do not expect remorse from him.

Understand that you have nothing to lose by leaving the relationship

Many victims of toxic relationships think that by breaking off an unhealthy relationship, they will lose something very valuable. It's just an illusion. You do not lose anything, but give yourself a chance to live happily.

The easiest way is to make a specific list. Write down on paper all the good things that you will lose by cutting off all ties with a person. It will immediately become clear that there was no positive in mutual interaction at all. And the sooner you realize this, finally seeing all the signs of a toxic relationship, the sooner you will decide to do something.

Start taking care of yourself

In a toxic relationship, you tend to think about the other person. But now it should be different. Fill the voids of your own Self by starting to take care of yourself.

Remember what hobby you have always wanted to do - it's time to make your dreams come true. Spend time and energy on self-education, look for new goals in life and achieve them.

Get rid of feelings of guilt and shame

Feelings of guilt and shame that a toxic person managed to impose on you over the years will take a long time to get rid of. But it is important to do this in order to improve life and “reconcile” with your own Self.

Review the experience of a toxic relationship. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you once made and the weakness shown, for wasting so much time building unhealthy relationships. Don't feel sorry for yourself. And most importantly, try not to feel sympathy for the person you left behind.

Surround yourself with positive people

Shutting yourself in is definitely not something you should do after breaking up a toxic relationship with your husband/wife. If on your life path you met a manipulator and an aggressor, this does not mean that all people are like that. Communicate and get to know each other, focusing only on the positive in your close circle. Learned from bitter experience, now you will immediately recognize a toxic person and not start a relationship with him.

Sources:

“Psychology of Relations: Selected Psychological Works”, 2004, VN Myasishchev.
Personal Boundaries: How to Set and Maintain Them, 2018, J. Miller
Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve, 2010, S. Meyers.

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5 steps to get out of a toxic relationship - 7spsy

09/24/2019 Author: Psychologist Pavel Horoshutin

Relations between people are multifaceted. But the main principle of emotionally comfortable communication remains one thing - in the interaction of two personalities, only positive emotions should prevail. Sympathy, respect for each other, trust, love. But what if communication gives a continuous negative? This is a toxic relationship that hurts at least one person. In the article, we will discuss important issues: what signs to recognize destructive relationships and whether it makes sense to fight for them.

Contents:

What relationship is called toxic?
Who can have a toxic relationship?
Signs of a Toxic Relationship
Toxic Relationship Test
Negative Consequences of a Toxic Relationship
What Stops You from Breaking Up a Toxic Relationship?
5 steps to end a toxic relationship