Some people just want to use you
22 Signs a User Just Can't Hide
They are everywhere – people who are selfish and don’t really care about others. You probably know one, but here is how to tell if someone is using you.
When it comes to being used, it can happen to anyone. Actually, you’ll encounter at least one person *more like hundreds* who will try to use you in your lifetime. You may be able to dodge the bullet now and then, but the only way to know how to tell someone is using you is actually to be used.
It’s a crappy way to learn, but it’s the best way.
Now, that’s not to say that you should put yourself in a position to be used. In fact, no one would wish that upon you at all. So, that’s why we’re writing this feature—to provide insight on what to watch out for.
[Read: Selfish people – 20 ways to spot them and stop them from hurting you]
What makes someone a user? The characteristics of someone who is using you
What exactly makes someone a user? How did they get that way, and what are the personality characteristics to watch out for? In this section, we’re going to explore those questions. [Read: How to spot a narcissist instantly and save yourself a lot of pain]
First of all, a user is not a nice person
That may sound obvious, but sometimes it’s not. There are some users out there who are outgoing, charming, and charismatic. Other people may actually like them a lot! But that’s one of their tricks.
If people didn’t like them and fall for their tricks, then they wouldn’t be so easily fooled by the user.
Generally, the user sounds so sincere, and so when they are using you, sometimes you don’t even notice it. And that’s exactly what they want. It’s easier to use someone when they don’t know that they’re being used. [Read: 20 worrying signs you are being taken advantage of in a relationship]
Second, they are extremely selfish
Most people have some level of selfishness, because it’s just a survival instinct. But users take selfishness to the extreme. Everything is all about them. They want things the way they want it… and when they want it.
Users don’t even think about other people’s needs at all. They are too busy trying to figure out how to get what they want.
In fact, you could say that they lack empathy and are pretty much a narcissist. They cannot put themselves into other people’s shoes and see things from their perspective. Everything is all about them. [Read: How to deal with a narcissist in the best way you possibly can]
So, how did a user get that way?
Were they just born like that, or is their behavior a product of their childhood? Well, the answer is actually quite complicated. Some people may be born with tendencies to be a user. However, a lot of people who are users are that way because of their life experiences.
Perhaps their parents ignored their needs growing up. Or maybe they were even emotionally or physically abused.
If that’s the case, you can kind of see why someone might turn into a user. When they didn’t get their needs met, that makes them want to turn the tables on people when they get older.
Now, this is not to say that you should excuse a user’s behavior. Quite the contrary, actually! But it does help you understand how someone got that way. You should always look out for #1 – yourself. Just because they had bad experiences in their lives doesn’t give them the right to use anyone, especially you! [Read: How to handle a friend that uses you – The best ways to take a stand and break the cycle]
How to tell someone is using you
These signs aren’t just for intimate relationships. These are signs you might see in family members, colleagues, teachers, and even your next-door neighbor. However, there’s one thing you should know. Knowing these signs is only half of the work. Learn how to act on them too, because that’s the only thing that matters.
If you’re aware that someone is clearly using you, doing nothing won’t change the situation. But, before you turn to action, first, identify the traits of a user. That way, you can avoid them. [Read: The best guilt-free ways to handle guilt trippers in your life]
Let’s make it stop before it happens.
1. You feel off
When someone uses you, you feel it. We all have this ability, but most of us ignore our gut instinct. Connect with it. Your body will tell you whether or not this person is someone you want in your life.
You’ll feel uncomfortable as if there’s a lack of balance in the relationship. And you don’t want an imbalanced relationship. [Read: How to listen to your gut and give strength to your inner voice]
2. You can’t say no
Physically, you can say no, but when it comes to them, you can’t. You’re scared to say no and worry about what will happen if you do. Does this sound healthy to you? Does this sound like a healthy relationship?
Of course, it does not. If they make you feel guilty for saying no, then they want to manipulate you. [Read: How to say no to people and feel awesome about yourself instead]
3. Call out of convenience
When you call or text them, they hardly reply on time. Sometimes it even takes days for them to call you back.
But when they need something from you, they call non-stop. They only want something from you. This is what you need to understand. This isn’t a genuine relationship, it’s a relationship of convenience. [Read: Friends of convenience – The good ones and the bad ones you must avoid]
4. They live on favors
Not only are you someone who does a lot of favors for them, but they also never do anything for you. This is a self-interest-based relationship, so they’re only doing what benefits them.
Maybe they’ll do a small favor for you, but that’s only because they need to continue using you. [Read: 18 signs of self-centered people and the best ways to confront them]
5. They’re selectively nice to you
We all have the ability to control our moods. If you’re wondering how to tell if someone is using you, pay attention to their behavior when they don’t need you.
Do you find that they ignore or are rude to you when they don’t need you? Being selectively nice to you isn’t by chance.
Only being kind to you when you do something for them isn’t a good sign. It’s a huge sign of someone who’s trying to use you.
6. They betray your trust
Maybe they started hitting on a guy you like or use your ideas to push themselves higher in their careers. But the point is, they’re betraying your trust. You told them your ideas or dreams because you trust them, but it’s not a two-way street. This person is using you for their own personal gain.
7. They don’t give back
You may have taken them out for dinner, lent them money, or given them support during a breakup, but they never did anything for you. They’re not paying you back in any way. You’re starting to look like a welcome mat they can walk all over. [Read: When people use you – How to stop being a doormat and regain control of your life again]
8. You dislike them
Even though this may be your sister or close friend, the more you’re around them, the more you dislike them as a person.
With all the favors and guilt-trips, how can you not feel resentment towards them? This isn’t a balanced relationship if you’re feeling bad about yourself.
9. They’re hot and cold
When you’re just about to make a move and cut them off, they do something extremely kind and sweet for you.
You think they changed, but that’s not the case. They’re going to use you again, drop you on the side of the road, and pick you up when they need you. You’re walking on eggshells. [Read: 3 stages to understand why some people blow hot and cold]
10. They don’t know you
When you break it down, this person doesn’t actually know anything about you. They don’t call you out for coffee or listen to you vent about work. They’re not even sure they know what you do for work. If this person cared about you, they would invest their time and energy in the relationship.
11. They’re very pushy
When they’re not getting their way, they’re extremely pushy and manipulative. In these situations, it’s hard to say no. They use crafty words to make you feel guilty.
It’s common to hear, “I thought you were my friend” or “You’re not being a good friend right now.
” If they weren’t using you, they would never push you to do something you don’t want to do.[Read: Manipulative behavior – What makes it so toxic and the signs you should never ignore]
12. When you need help, they’re gone
If you’re trying to figure out how to tell someone is using you, this one is quite common. When you need a helping hand, they’re not there for you.
Maybe they’re not feeling well or have a really busy schedule. There will always be some excuse. And it happens over and over again. They’re using you!
13. They only text
Maybe they call, but only when it’s an emergency. Usually, they stick to texting because why would they put any more effort into the relationship?
If they never text you for anything outside of a favor, they’re using you. It’s clear you’re not worth the phone call. [Read: How to set personal boundaries and guide other people to respect it]
14. They’re in charge
If you thought you had control over the relationship, you’re crazy.
If you’re being used, you’re not in control. You’re the doormat, not them. If they have full control over the relationship, then they’re using you. They will only do what serves them, and this isn’t right.
15. They actually tell you they use you
Okay, they may not literally say, “I’m using you,” but, they’ll say things like, “I know I’ve asked you for help lately and only hang out with you when I need something. I’m sorry.”
This is an attempt to make you feel empathetic, but they’re just a jerk. They have no plans to change. [Read: How to instantly tell the difference between real and fake friends]
16. They never pay
When people are using others, they do it out of self-interest. What makes you think they’re going to pay? Hell, no, they won’t take out their wallets for you. They tell you they’ll get the next lunch or dinner, but it never happens. Never.
17. They “borrow” money from you
The word borrow is in quotations marks for a reason. When nice, normal people borrow money from someone, they have good intentions of paying the person back – and they do.
But when users borrow money from you, they almost never will. You might as well kiss your money goodbye forever.
18. They always ask you to do things for them
If a user needs to move, you will be the first person they call. If they need something fixed around the house, you will definitely hear from them. You might feel like they are always asking favors from you. And if that’s true, then you are being used. [Read: Signs of sneaky people – 20 signs that should make you run]
19. They lie to you
Let’s say that this person tells you that they have a great investment opportunity for you. They say you will get 500% return on your investment in just a year.
They make it sound amazing, and you are fooled by their words. But they don’t really mean it. They probably just made up those lies so they could swindle money out of you.
20. They ignore your needs
Everyone has needs. We all want to be loved, respected, and cherished. We want people to help us and to be nice to us.
But if you are constantly trying to express your feelings and needs to a user, it will fall on deaf ears.
They don’t care at all about your needs because they are too busy trying to figure out how to get their own needs met. [Read: Selfish friends – They take so much and give nothing in return]
21. They make you buy them things
Maybe you are newly dating someone and they complain about how their laptop is not working right. They drop hints all the time about how they need a new one.
They may even come right out and ask or tell you to buy them one. If they are always making you buy things for them, then you are being used.
22. They never reciprocate
The whole basic definition of a user is that it is only one-sided. They just take, take, take, and then take some more.
They never think to give back to you – or anyone else for that matter. The whole world revolves around them, and they have zero needs or desires to give back to anyone.
[Read: 20 worrying signs you’re being taken advantage of in a relationship you trust]
No one wants to be used.
It makes us feel terrible, gives us low self-esteem, and makes us feel like we can’t trust anyone in the world! But once you know how to tell if someone is using you, you can learn to recognize the signs and take a stand. And honestly, it all starts from there!
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Do People Use You? 10 Ways To Tell And 5 Ways To Stop It
It’s not only romantic relationships that can bring you to the point where you’ve had enough. Toxic relationships can exist between friends, co-workers, or family members.
If they act like it goes without saying that you’ll do whatever they want, there’s a great chance that they might be using you.
When people use you, it can lead to you feeling like you’re trapped in a relationship that’s making you unhappy, but you continue it for one reason or another.
We’ll see how to tell if someone is using you, why people use you, and what to do if it happens to you.
Why Do People Use You?
Selfish people use you to fulfill their own needs.
In a healthy relationship – built on a foundation of respect, empathy, and communication – both people meet each other’s needs. Equality and kindness inform every aspect of such a relationship.
People who use others for their own gain while disregarding your feelings think they’re entitled to everything they take from you without giving anything back.
Some of them do it on purpose, and some don’t even realize that how they use people is wrong.
Either way, there are certain traits and behaviors that can often be observed in people who take advantage of others.
• SELFISHNESS
Some people are simply selfish and ungrateful. They look for any chance to get something for nothing.
The first time you offer a selfish person anything, they immediately decide it’s their right from then on. They start to demand it and take for granted that you will provide it.
To them, kindness is always an invitation to use the person who offers it. They never stop to think about what it’s like for the other person.
For example, a family member who assumes that it goes without saying that they will stay with you every time they have business in town.
They never stop to ask or even consider that they might be inconveniencing you.
No matter whether you really can’t do them a favor or are just trying to stay away from selfish people, if you tell them no once, they get mad at you for ruining their plans.
• INSECURITY
Insecurity is a feeling of being inferior or inadequate, a lack of trust in oneself, and a sense of isolation. Most people sometimes feel like this to a certain degree.
People who are extremely insecure feel hostile, pessimistic, and needy.
They can end up directing their feelings into their relationships and turn into manipulative people who use their insecurity as an excuse to lash out at others.
Take, for example, a friend who makes you feel bad about yourself every time you see them. Your day was going fine, and all of a sudden, you feel anxiety and self-doubt.
If you’re usually not insecure but only around this person, they might be projecting their insecurities onto you to make themselves feel better.
These are fake friends who only hang out with you to make you miserable the way their own lives make them.
• POWERLESSNESS
When some people lack control in certain areas of their lives, they become bullies in others.
Infuriated by their powerlessness, such people look for an outlet where they can get it, and it’s usually on someone who shows them kindness.
An example is a selfish husband who has problems at work and can’t do anything about it. This frustrates him, and he takes it out on his family.
When he comes home, he is demanding, careless, and manipulative to his wife. His dissatisfaction with his circumstances and inability to do anything about it turns him into an emotional abuser.
• NARCISSISM
At the root of narcissism is low self-esteem. Narcissists cover up these feelings with an extreme sense of entitlement and superiority.
They believe they deserve certain things and that it’s other people’s obligation to obey them. In order to elicit admiration, they brag about their accomplishments and exaggerate them.
For instance, a co-worker who takes credit for a project they were only marginally involved in while being absolutely convinced of their own story.
Narcissists have no friends. They live in a fantasy world where they’re the best at everything, and others don’t matter.
The co-worker in question might be positive that their contribution was crucial and get furious if anyone suggests otherwise.
How Do You Know When Someone Is Using You? 10 Signs
If someone is using you, there’s a high probability that you’re already aware of it. Toxic people aren’t your true friends, and eventually, this comes to light.
Someone like this might seem like a nice person at first, but in time, you realize that something is wrong.
They might act like your best friend one moment and exhibit passive-aggressive behavior the next.
Hanging out with this person becomes a chore and gives you anxiety.
Is this person using you? Here’s how to tell when people use you.
1. It’s all about them
When you begin to notice that your relationship is focused only on them, you’ll know for sure that someone is using you.
Everything revolves around their wishes, interests, and moods. You’re always accommodating only one person, and they’re never around when you need them.
At one point, you realize that they view themselves as the main character and you as their sidekick. You’re always doing what they want to do and going where they want to go.
Such people think of others as wholly unimportant, and basically, anyone will do as long as they serve them.
2. They don’t listen
Your role in the relationship is to listen to their tales of their own brilliance and rants about anyone who doesn’t act in accordance with their expectations.
You’re there as an audience. Such a person won’t listen to you but expect you to listen to them.
They don’t really know anything about you because on the rare chance you get the opportunity to talk about yourself, they don’t pay attention.
The only interest in your life they ever show is feigned when they’re trying to placate you if they imagine you might start to rebel.
3. They’re in charge of the relationship
You’ll know you’re dealing with a toxic person if you can never do anything on your terms.
You only hang out when it’s convenient for them. They don’t have the time, or they’re doing something more important.
Usually, they only contact you when their other friends are busy, or if it’s a romantic partner, they only call when they want to hook up.
You find out that they exclude you from things, and they feel entitled to join in whatever you’re doing.
This kind of controlling behavior has no place in a good relationship.
4. They always want something
A friend of yours disappears during a hard time when you need them most. No texts, no phone calls. When you run into each other, not even a “How are you?” as a matter of courtesy.
You might be hurt until the distance makes you look back and realize that throughout your apparent friendship, this person was using you.
They only reach out when they need something, be it money, company, or attention.
They never spend time with you without expecting something, so when you can’t do anything for them, they’re gone.
And if you dare deny them what they want or ask for something in return, they react with anger and indignation.
5. You always pay
This is an obvious one. A person who’s using you probably never reaches for their wallet when it’s time to pay.
It might happen little by little. At first, they only pay their own share, and then they forget their wallet a lot, then it becomes expected that it’s on you.
They ask to borrow money, and to show what a good friend they are, they promise to pay you back.
They never do, of course.
6. They don’t appreciate you
In equal relationships, both people think of each other as valuable, not because of things they can get out of each other, but because they’re both people and deserve respect.
If you help them or do them a favor, the other person is going to show gratitude and look for ways to make you happy too.
People who use you never show any appreciation. They don’t do anything thoughtful, don’t offer any support when you need it, and don’t make any effort when it comes to you.
They act like whatever you do for them is due to them and only demand more without any shame.
7.
They’re manipulativeSomeone who is trying to exploit you for what they can gain from you is willing to manipulate you in a number of ways.
For instance, they’ll do something small and then make it seem like they did you a huge favor and make you feel like you’re indebted to them.
They’ll act nice when they need something but won’t think twice before betraying your trust if it suits them.
A manipulative person will look for your vulnerable points trying to undermine your self-esteem to make you easier to control.
8. They’re all talk
Your feelings, comfort, and well-being aren’t important to someone who uses others, only their own benefit.
They lack empathy and don’t think of other people’s needs, so they’ll never actually contribute to your relationship in any way.
They’ll make plans with you and forget them instantly or say they’ll do something, but it never happens. If you ask for something, they’ll say ok but ignore your wishes.
They’re going to do as little as possible for you, only what’s absolutely necessary to get what they want.
At some point, you’ll realize they’re liars and stop taking them seriously. After breaking their promises so many times, it’s obvious that you can’t trust them.
9. They don’t respect your boundaries
If someone is using you, you’ll notice that they have no regard for your boundaries. They don’t care about what you want or don’t want, and your self-respect is irrelevant to them.
When they want something that you consider unacceptable, they’ll ignore you. They don’t take no for an answer, and they’ll manipulate you so you can’t say no.
Such people won’t hesitate to guilt-trip you into doing what they want. If you show resistance, they’ll gaslight you until you start doubting yourself and wondering if they’re right after all.
If you say something about their behavior, a toxic person will get defensive and turn it back on you, making you feel like you’re the problem.
10. You feel they’re using you
The biggest sign that someone is using you is your feelings.
When people use you, you start to resent them. They may be presenting your relationship as normal, but trust your gut.
Feeling uneasy and uncomfortable around someone usually happens for a reason. When our intuition tells us something, it usually means we’ve come to a conclusion without consciously thinking about it.
If someone takes advantage of your kindness, pretends to care for you, and ignores your feelings, eventually, you’ll start to dislike them.
At this point, you might start wondering where to go from here.
What Should You Do If Someone Is Using You? 5 Ways To End It
When you’ve had enough of a toxic relationship, you shouldn’t let the person who used you turn you away from kindness but inspire you to ask for respect.
Kindness isn’t a flaw. Most people react to it with happiness and spread that kindness to others.
There are some people, relationships, and experiences that might make it seem like compassion is for suckers, but don’t let them discourage you from being kind.
How to deal with people who use you
The scope of the problem might be different if you’re dealing with a selfish wife or a random bad person who caused you grief, but generally, the steps are the same.
1. Realize you’re more than what you can do for someone
You’re good enough as you are. Just because you can do something doesn’t mean that you have to!
A person’s worth isn’t measured in what they can do for anyone else.
Your time, attention, resources, or love should all be given freely and not out of a sense of duty. It’s your choice what you accept and what you reject.
It’s incredibly important for your self-worth to realize that you don’t owe anyone anything.
2. Create and enforce boundaries
It’s often the kindest people who get taken advantage of, but it doesn’t mean that being kind automatically makes you a pushover or a target.
Learn to say no.
First of all, you need to know your boundaries: what are the things you need and want, and what won’t you accept?
You can still be giving and helpful while asking people to respect your boundaries. Be courteous, but stand your ground.
3. Expect equal relationships
If you think that the person who is using you could be a real friend at some point, you probably want to fix and not end the relationship.
You can start off by addressing your issues. Call the person out, remind them that respect is a two-way street and ask for an apology and a change in behavior.
Some people who use others aren’t really malicious about it, and there might be hope for change.
Still, focus your attention on their actions rather than their words.
4. Ask for what you need
Asking for what you need is emotional self-care.
Everyone has needs to be met, but until we make them known, other people won’t know what they are.
Most of the time, people in a healthy relationship will be happy to provide things the other person needs.
For instance, your need for personal space, the need to talk to another person when you’re having a hard time, or asking someone to respect your opinion.
If you want to get what you need, speak up.
5. Walk away
There might come a point when you realize that there’s no helping it and that you’ll only be miserable if you continue the relationship.
You’re done with the other person, and it’s time to cut them off for the sake of your mental health.
It’s never wrong to remove yourself from a situation or a relationship that makes you unhappy.
Trust your instincts. You can tell if the other person has your best interests at heart or if they’re only there to take advantage.
If they don’t feel bad using you, you shouldn’t feel bad walking away.
When People Use You Quotes1.
“The opposite of love is not hate; it is use. Use is the abuse of love; in fact, it betrays love. When we use another person, we place their needs below our own, but worse yet, we place their value and dignity below ours.“ ― Leah Darrow
2. “What most people need to learn in life is how to love people and use things instead of using people and loving things.“ — Zelda Fitzgerald
3. “Trust is built when someone is vulnerable and not taken advantage of.“ — Bob Vanourek
4. “Spend your time with those who love you unconditionally, not with those who only love you under certain conditions.“ ― Suzy Kassem
5. “People know who they can walk over and who they can’t. If someone is walking all over you it’s because they know you’ll put up with it.“ — Sonya Parker
6. “I’ve grown tired of being used; And I’m sick and tired of being accused; Now I’m walking away from you; And I’m not coming back.“ — James Morrison
7.
“If you don’t get the better of yourself, someone else will.“ — Evan Esar
8. “Immature love says: I love you because I need you. Mature love says: I need you because I love you.“ — Erich Fromm
9. “There is no such thing as a people who are all wicked or even all good. Everyone chooses. But even they, even they looked at people and saw only tools. No one is a cup for another to drink from.“ ― Catherynne M. Valente
10. “The more you are at everyone else’s disposal, the more you will feel like garbage.“ — Christine E. Szymanski
See also: Why Is Everyone So Mean To Me? It’s Not You. (Or Is It?)
In A Nutshell
When people use you, it can be annoying at best and permanently emotionally damaging at worst.
With people who take advantage of others, a certain pattern of behavior can often be seen: selfishness, lack of appreciation, and a tendency to manipulate you.
To protect yourself and still be able to offer kindness to other people, you can protect yourself by being firm about your personal boundaries.
When you consistently ask for respect, people will start to value what you give them more, and those who want to use you will have a hard time doing so.
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The main questions of life. Why are people so cruel to each other?
- Simon McCarthy-Jones
- Associate Professor of Clinical Psychology and Neuropsychology
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Inflicting pain on someone who is unable to retaliate may seem like unacceptable cruelty, but it happens more often than you might think.
Our colleagues at BBC Future continue their 'Life's Big Questions' series with The Conversation. Another such question was asked by Ruth from London:
Why do some people act cruelly towards those who do not pose any danger to them - sometimes even towards their own children? Where does this behavior come from and what purpose does it serve? - Ruth, 45, London.
Answered by Simon McCarthy-Jones, Associate Professor of Clinical Psychology and Neuropsychology at Trinity College Dublin, Ireland.
---
"What a chimera is man, what a center of contradictions, what a monster! Judge of all things - and at the same time an earthly worm; a witness of truth - and at the same time a cesspool of ignorance and delusion; pride of the universe - and at the same time, its last dregs,” wrote Blaise Pascal, the eminent French philosopher and mathematician, in 1658.
Little has changed since Pascal's time. We love, we hate, we help, we harm. We reach out and we stick a knife in the back. We understand when someone snaps back in an attempt to protect themselves. But when someone hurts someone completely harmless, we ask the question: "How could he?!"
- The main questions of life. Is love just a fleeting chemical reaction in your brain?
- To die with joy.
Can our final moments bring bliss? - "That's what the rules are for breaking them"? What would it be like to live in a world without rules
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People tend to do things that bring them pleasure or help them avoid suffering. Inflicting pain on another person causes most of us to feel their pain. And we don't like that feeling.
From this we can assume that there are two reasons why people make the defenseless suffer: they either do not feel the pain of others, or they feel, but it brings them pleasure.
There is another reason: even in the most harmless person, another can see a hidden threat to himself.
Someone who doesn't pose a threat to your body or wallet can threaten your social status. This helps to explain the seemingly inexplicable actions of those who harm those who help them—financially, for example.
In today's liberal society, it is commonly believed that by making others suffer, we harm them. However, some philosophers reject this idea. (For example, Friedrich Nietzsche wrote in his book "Evil Wisdom": "The cruelty of an insensitive person is the opposite of compassion; the cruelty of a sensitive person is a higher potency of compassion.")
But can we understand and accept cruelty "for the sake of compassion" in the 21st century?
Sadists and psychopaths
He who takes pleasure in humiliating another and inflicting pain on another is a sadist. Sadists feel the pain of another person more than others and enjoy it - at least as long as this pain lasts. After that, they may feel bad.
In the public mind, sadism is associated with murderers and executioners, those who torture.
However, there is a much less extreme, but much more common type of sadism - everyday sadism.
Image copyright, Getty Images
Image caption,Most of us would refrain from deliberately inflicting pain on another person, primarily because by injuring others, we partly share their pain
Domestic sadists enjoy inflicting pain on others or watching how they suffer. Usually they like violent films, they are delighted with fights, they are interested in torture. There are few such people - but not so much that they are not noticed. About 6% of the students surveyed admitted that they enjoy inflicting pain on others.
Domestic sadism can take the form of Internet trolling or bullying of a classmate. Domestic sadists are drawn to playing computer games full of violence. And in online role-playing computer games, such people are usually "griefers" - pests, dirty tricks that spoil the gameplay for others without any benefit to themselves.
Unlike sadists, psychopaths cause suffering to others not because they enjoy it (although they can get it), but because they want something. If inflicting pain on another will help achieve the goal, then so be it.
- How responsibility and diligence awaken the worst in a person
- How negative emotions make us insensitive to other people's pain
- The more stupid, the more self-confident
Psychopaths do this because they are less likely to feel pity, remorse or fear. They may understand how others feel at the same time, but it does not touch them.
And this is a very dangerous set of qualities. For thousands of years, mankind has tamed itself. As a result, many of us find it difficult to hurt another person. For those who torture or kill, memories of this haunt them all their lives. Yet psychopathy is a powerful predictor of future unprovoked violence.
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Image caption,Some scientists believe that having sadistic traits helps people to gain influence, to break through to power
We need to be aware when we encounter a psychopath. This conclusion can be drawn by observing the facial expression of a person or having a short conversation with him.
Unfortunately, psychopaths know this and try very hard to disguise themselves, to make a good first impression on you.
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Fortunately, most people do not have psychopathic character traits. Only 0.5% can be recognized as psychopaths. At the same time, among prisoners there are about 8% of men and 2% of women.
But not all psychopaths are dangerous. Antisocial psychopaths may seek the thrill of drugs or dangerous activities.
Prosocial psychopaths can act in the best interest of society, enjoying the pursuit of new ideas.
Just as inventions and innovations change our society, prosocial psychopaths can change the world for all of us. Both for the better and for the worse.
Where do these character traits come from?
No one really knows why some people are sadists. Some believe that sadism developed as a reaction to the need to kill animals while hunting. Others believe that it helps people achieve influence, break through to power. Neuroscience suggests that sadism may have been a survival tactic in times of trouble.
When certain foods are scarce, the levels of the neurotransmitter serotonin, the “hormone of happiness,” in our body drops. This makes us more inclined to want to harm others because it becomes more enjoyable.
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Image caption, There are "softer" forms of sadism that give people the cheap pleasure of watching someone in a vulnerable position.
Psychopathy can also be opportunism. A number of studies have associated higher levels of psychopathy with greater fertility (although the opposite has also been found). The reason for this may be that psychopaths have a reproductive advantage in aggressive environments.
Indeed, psychopathy thrives in an unstable world of fierce competition. The abilities of psychopaths make them skilled manipulators. Impulsivity and lack of fear help them take risks and achieve short-term goals.
The fact that psychopathy is alive and well in the modern world can also be explained by its connection with creativity.
Eric Weinstein, a mathematician and economist who applies the theoretical achievements of mathematical physics to traditional economics, argues that in general people with a difficult character are the engine of progress.
However, when the environment is conducive to creative thinking, the benefits of psychopaths are no longer so obvious.
Sadism and psychopathy are usually closely related to other character traits - narcissism and Machiavellianism. These aspects of the human personality have a common denominator - the so-called D-factor, the "dark triad" factor.
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The hereditary component in these traits can be either moderate or strong. Some people are born that way. Or parents who have high D-factor levels can pass on these traits to their children by being rude in the family.
It is clear that observing how others behave can teach us to behave in the same way. So each of us has a role to play in the fight against cruelty.
Fear and dehumanization
It is often said that it is possible to be cruel by dehumanizing other people, depriving them of human qualities.
Potential victims are called dogs, cockroaches, lice, so that later it would be easier to infringe on them, to hurt them.
This makes some sense. Research shows that when someone breaks societal norms, our brains paint their face as less human. This makes it easier for us to punish those who break the code of conduct.
Of course, it is nice to think that if we see someone as a person, then we will not harm him. But this is a dangerous delusion.
Psychologist Paul Bloom believes that our most cruel acts are not based on the dehumanization of others. People can hurt others precisely because they see them as human beings who do not want to endure pain and humiliation.
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Image caption,During the Holocaust, the Nazis killed millions in concentration camps
For example, the Nazis dehumanized the Jews, calling them parasites and classifying them as an inferior, inferior race.
However, the Jews were humiliated, tortured and killed precisely because they were seen as living people who could be made to suffer.
Belittling a benefactor
Sometimes people harm even those who help them, including financially, although at first glance such actions do not make any sense. Why hurt someone who does you good?
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This phenomenon is known as "belittling benefactor" and is found all over the world.
"Benefactor's belittling" exists because we tend to resist domination, in whatever form it manifests itself - in the form of help "from the master's shoulder" or in the form of a categorical know-it-all on the UN platform.
The best is the enemy of the good, says the popular expression attributed to Voltaire.
In addition, there is one hidden positive side to belittling a benefactor. After we dethrone a benefactor from his pedestal, we are more likely to listen to what he has to say.
For example, one study found that when people are allowed to say that they don't like vegetarians, they subsequently become less supportive of meat-eating.
Execution, crucifixion, or simply harsh criticism of the evangelist may ultimately help his words find new listeners and supporters.
Cruelty for good
In Whiplash ( Rev. ), a jazz band leader brutalizes his apprentice drummer in order to encourage him to achieve a high level of mastery of playing on percussion. Through psychological stress, he tries to reveal talent, to give a chance to achieve real greatness.
This tactic may disgust us. However, the German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche believed that we have an undeservedly great disgust for such cruelty.
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Photo caption,The history of mankind is darkened by violence and cruelty against those who bring the good news
From Nietzsche's point of view, the teacher is cruel to the student for his own good. People can also be cruel to themselves in order to become what they want to become.
Nietzsche believed that the experience of cruelty can help develop courage, fortitude, fortitude and creativity.
Are we ready to develop good qualities in ourselves and others through suffering?
Probably not. We already know the potentially devastating consequences of experiencing abuse from others, including on physical and mental health, and we are increasingly recognizing the benefits of treating ourselves with compassion.
And the very idea that we have to suffer in order to develop raises more and more questions. Positive events in life - falling in love, having children, achieving a cherished goal - may well lead to personal development.
Learning through cruelty provokes abuse of power and selfish sadism.
Buddhism offers an alternative - in the form of an angry manifestation of compassion. True compassion, Buddhists believe, can take on confrontational forms that look like anger but are not (such as the compassion of angry deities). And then we enter into a confrontation with others, acting in the name of love, protecting them from their own greed, hatred and fear.
Life can be cruel, truth can be cruel. But we can choose not to be cruel ourselves.
Why gloomy people with difficult personalities are more successful in life
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Grumps and pessimists earn more, live longer and are happier in their marriages. Browser BBC Future tried to find out why a smile is not always the key to success in life.
On the screen, he is an incredibly charming man with unruly hair. However, behind the scenes, he needs too much personal space, to put it mildly.
He hates his fame. He hates his acting profession. In conversations with friends, his ex-girlfriend Elizabeth Hurley called him none other than "Grumpelstiltskin"
Everyone knows that Hugh Grant has a bad temper and is not easy to work with. But maybe it was his gloomy nature that made him successful?
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Modern society is obsessed with maintaining a positive attitude. Cultural trends have turned our lives into an endless pursuit of happiness.
People buy a lot of books on the subject, attend self-improvement workshops and post a lot of inspirational quotes on the Internet.
Today, you can hire a happiness expert, learn different mental practices, or find inner fulfillment using a mobile app.
More than a million US military personnel are currently taking positive psychology courses, and optimism is being taught in UK schools.
Moreover, along with GDP, the well-being of citizens is now measured by the "happiness index".
The truth is that there are clear benefits to waiting for the worst. Pessimists may be more successful in negotiations and be more far-sighted in decision making. In addition, they are less likely to suffer from heart attacks.
Cynics tend to have more stable marriages, higher salaries, and longer lives - although, of course, they expect the exact opposite.
A good mood, on the other hand, carries a significant risk: it reduces motivation, dulls attention to detail, and makes a person both gullible and selfish.
It is also known that optimists are more prone to alcohol abuse, overeating and unsafe sex.
So why is this happening? The fact is that all our feelings have a specific purpose.
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Image captionHugh Grant hates his films even though they made him $80 million
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Anger, sadness and pessimism are not the product of divine cruelty or banal bad luck. These traits evolved to perform useful functions and help us survive.
Take anger, for example. So, for example, Newton was extremely touchy and vindictive, and Beethoven often made scandals, sometimes with fights.
It seems that genius is often associated with a temper. Many examples of this can be found in Silicon Valley.
Amazon founder Jeff Bezos is known for his temper tantrums and offensive remarks like "I'm sorry, did I take my stupid pills today"? However, this did not stop him from creating a company worth 300 billion dollars.
For many years, this relationship remained a mystery, until in 2009 Matthijs Baas of the University of Amsterdam decided to investigate the issue.
He recruited a group of student volunteers and made it his mission to piss them off in the name of science. He asked half of them to remember something annoying and write an essay about it.
"That pissed them off a bit, although it didn't get to the point of real temper tantrums," he says. The second group was to grieve.
Both groups then took part in a game designed to test the creativity of the participants. In 16 minutes, they had to come up with as many ways as possible to improve teaching in the psychology department.
As Baath expected, the angry students had more ideas, and that was just the beginning.
The methods they proposed were also more original, and their agreement with the proposals of other participants was less than 1%.
Crucially, the angry volunteers were able to perform well in moments of "spontaneous innovation," or so-called unstructured thinking.
Imagine that you are asked to come up with several uses for a brick. A logical thinker would name ten different kinds of buildings, while a less structured approach would open up entirely new uses for bricks, such as weapons.
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Image caption,Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is famous for his trademark sayings like "If I hear this again, I'll have to commit suicide"
The essence of creativity is how easily you can change the way you think. In a critical situation, becoming a "mad genius" can even save your life.
"Anger really prepares the body to mobilize resources - it tells you that you are in a difficult situation and gives you the strength to get out of it," says Baas.
To understand how this works, we first need to understand what is going on in our brain.
Like most emotions, anger originates in the amygdala, a special area of the brain responsible for detecting a threat to a person's life.
The mechanism of its work is very effective: it raises the alarm long before the person realizes the danger.
To cause anger, the brain sends chemical signals to the body. The body is filled with adrenaline, and within a few minutes a person feels an incredible surge of energy.
His breathing and pulse quicken, and his blood pressure goes off scale. The blood rushes to the limbs and to the face, due to which it turns red, and the veins swell on the forehead. This is what an angry person looks like.
This physiological response is thought to have evolved primarily to prepare the body for physical aggression, but it has other benefits as well. For example, it increases motivation and gives determination.
Image copyright, Shizhao/Wikimedia Commons
Image caption,Beethoven easily lost his temper and threw things at his servants
All of these physiological changes are very beneficial, but only if you have the opportunity to vent your anger , for example, fighting a lion or yelling at colleagues.
You may ruin your relationship with someone, but then your blood pressure will return to normal. But if you constantly keep negative emotions in yourself, everything can be much worse.
The idea that holding back feelings can be harmful to health dates back to antiquity. The Greek philosopher Aristotle believed in catharsis (he coined the term we still use today).
He believed that watching a tragic play allows a person to experience such emotions as anger, sadness and guilt, while controlling them.
Throwing these feelings out, a person can be freed from them all at once.
Later, Sigmund Freud adopted his ideas, who believed that catharsis could be achieved through psychotherapy sessions.
And in 2010, a group of scientists decided to look deeper into this issue. For their study, they recruited a group of 644 people suffering from coronary insufficiency.
In order to determine the level of anger, as well as suppressed anger and a tendency to worry, scientists followed the subjects for a period of five to ten years.
During this time, 20% of them experienced a serious heart attack, and 9% died. Initially, both anger and repressed anger seemed to increase the likelihood of a heart attack.
However, taking into account other factors, the researchers found that anger did not affect this, while suppressing it almost tripled the likelihood of acute heart failure.
The reasons for this are still unknown, but other studies have shown that suppressing anger can lead to chronic high blood pressure.
In addition, not all of the benefits of free expression are related to health. For example, they can help in negotiations.
Image copyright, Getty Images
Image caption,Notoriously irritable Bill Gates donated $28 billion to charity
Aggression can be triggered when someone doesn't value your interests enough. In order for this person to see his mistake, it is necessary to show him that you can harm him physically, or deprive him of any advantages - favor, friendship or money.
This theory is confirmed by the expression on our face when we are angry. Research shows that it is not at all accidental, but is specifically aimed at exaggerating our physical strength in the eyes of the opponent.
If done right, aggression can help you get your way and raise your status - this way of negotiating has been known for ages.
What's more, scientists are increasingly discovering that grouchiness can have beneficial effects on various social skills, making us more eloquent and persuasive, as well as improving memory.
"Bad mood indicates that we are in a new and difficult situation, and requires us to be more attentive, thoughtful and observant," says Joseph Forgas, a scientist who has studied the influence of emotions on human behavior for about forty years.
In addition, studies have shown that when a person is slightly upset, he perceives social cues better.
It is a curious fact that in this mood people also tend to be more (rather than less) fair to others.
Tough but fair
Happiness is often associated with charity, but in practice this is not the case. Scientists conducted an experiment by having several volunteers feel disgust, sadness, anger, fear, happiness, surprise, or neutral emotions, and then play an ultimatum game.
According to the rules of this game, the first player is given a certain amount of money and asked how he would divide it between himself and another player.
Then the second player decides whether to accept the offered amount or not.
If they come to an agreement, the money is divided as suggested by the first player. If not, none of them get anything.
This game is often used to test a sense of justice: it shows whether a person is ready to share the benefits equally or cares only about his own benefit.
An interesting fact is that all negative emotions sharpen the sense of justice and the need for equality.
However, if the rules are changed, it turns out that it is not just a matter of envy or resentment.
There is also a Dictator game with the same rules, but with one exception: nothing depends on the second participant at all, and he simply gets what the first one gives him.
It turned out that happy participants were more likely to keep a larger amount of the prize, while sad participants were much more generous.
"A person who is slightly upset pays more attention to social norms and expectations, and therefore treats others more fairly," says Forgas.
Image copyright, Getty Images
Image caption,Optimistic newspaper articles seem to anticipate weak economic performance in the coming weeks - and thus much bleaker headlines
In some situations, happiness comes with far greater risks. It is associated with the cuddling hormone oxytocin, which, according to many studies, negatively affects the ability to recognize threats.
In prehistoric times, happiness would have made our ancestors easy prey for predators, but in modern life it makes us underestimate the dangers of alcohol abuse, overeating and unprotected sex.
"Happiness works as a signal that we are safe and that we don't need to pay too much attention to our surroundings," he says.
A person blinded by happiness may miss important facts. Instead, he relies on the knowledge he already has, which can lead him to serious errors in judgment.
In one experiment, Forgas and his colleagues from the University of New South Wales (Australia) in their laboratory showed volunteers films designed to make them feel happy or sad.
They were then asked to determine how true urban myths are, such as that power lines can cause leukemia, or that the CIA was involved in the assassination of President Kennedy.
Those who were in a good mood were less likely to be skeptical and much more trusting.
Forgas then used a first-person shooter computer game to test how people in a good mood tend to believe stereotypes.
As he predicted, subjects in good spirits were more likely to shoot characters in turbans.
Among all the positive emotions, optimism about the future can have very paradoxical consequences.
Like happiness, positive fantasies about the future can demotivate a person.
"The person feels accomplished, relaxed and doesn't make enough effort to fulfill their positive fantasies and dreams," says Gabriel Oettingen of New York University.
Through many experiments, Oettingen proved that the more we dream, the less likely it is that our desires will come true.
Graduates who spend their time fantasizing about a good job tend to earn less. Patients who only think about getting better recover more slowly.
"People say dream and your dreams will come true, but that's far from reality," she says.
Optimistic thoughts can prevent an overweight person from losing weight, and a smoker from giving up this bad habit.
Pessimism as a defense mechanism
One of the worries, according to Oettingen, is that these risks can also operate at the societal level.
Comparing articles in USA Today with economic performance a week or a month after the news release, she found that the more optimistic the newspaper's forecasts were, the worse the subsequent performance was.
She then analyzed presidential inauguration speeches and found that the most positive speeches ended up with higher unemployment and lower GDP while those who delivered them were in office.
Add to these disappointing conclusions the tendency of people to believe that bad things happen only to others - and we have serious reason to think about the dangers that lie in wait for us.
Perhaps we should finally take off our rose-colored glasses and stop thinking that the glass is half full.
The use of pessimism as a defense mechanism is closely related to the application of Murphy's Law, which states that if something bad can happen, it will happen.
Expecting the worst, you will be ready when it happens.
It works like this. Imagine that you need to make a speech. All you have to do is think about the worst things that could happen.
For example, you might trip on your way to the stage, lose the memory card on which your presentation is stored, your computer might crash, you might be asked the wrong question (experienced pessimists can come up with a thousand more options).
Just make a list of them and then find a solution for each one.
Psychologist Julie Norem of Wellesley College, Massachusetts, is an expert on pessimism.
"I'm a bit clumsy, especially when I'm nervous, so I'll make sure to wear low heels if that's the case. I'll be there early to check for wires or other things on stage to trip over.
I usually create several back-up copies of my presentation. [I am so prepared that] if necessary, I can give a speech without it. Moreover, I send a copy to the organizers, have a memory card with me with another copy, and bring my own laptop."
As they say, only the paranoid survive.
So the next time someone tells you "up your nose!" why not tell them about how you are using a pessimistic view of things to cultivate a sense of justice in yourself, reduce unemployment in the country and save the world economy ?
You will have the last laugh, even if it is a forced grin of a cynic.
