Solid relationship meaning

If These 15 Things Never Happen, Your Relationship is Truly Solid

Life

by Kristine Fellizar

Feb. 6, 2019

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Life will throw things at you when you least expect it. But when you're in a truly solid relationship, you and your partner can overcome anything that comes your way. But you don't necessarily need to go through rough times in order to tell if your relationship is truly solid. According to experts, you'll know if your relationship has a few very key things.

"A solid relationship by definition is based on a strong foundation that goes beyond love," Lottie M McCullough, PhD, associate coach at The Relationship Firm tells Bustle. While love is definitely a big part of it, you can't just build a solid foundation on love alone.

There are other major factors that go into it. For instance, you need to have mutual trust, faith in each other, respect, verbal and nonverbal communication, support, and fearlessness. "Just as a house is built on a solid foundation with support and attributes, so is a solid relationship," Dr. McCullough says. If you have these things in your relationship, it's going to be impenetrable.

Being in a solid relationship doesn't mean you won't go through hard times. No one is immune to boredom, rough patches or fights. "However, those challenges will be met head on with success due to the communication, respect, and hard work that two committed people have in their relationship," Dr. McCullough says.

So how can you tell if you're in a truly solid relationship? If the following things never or rarely ever happen, experts say you're in one.

1 Name Calling

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When there's mutual respect, Dr. McCullough says you shouldn't have any desire to compromise the relationship with disrespectful words. "That's not to say that there will never be cross words," she says. "However, those words will be unintentional or immediately recognized as such and dealt with in the moment through discussion and mutual respect for each other’s voices. "

2 Feeling Threatened By Your Partner's Ex

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It's common to feel a little jealous of your partner's ex early on in the relationship. But once you've established trust and commitment, you shouldn't have to worry about your partner's exes. "Past relationships are in the past for a reason and have no place in the present," Dr. McCullough says. "A solid relationship is not threatened or fearful of the exes because lingering exes do not exist a solid relationship."

3 Getting Jealous Or Suspicious Over Other People

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Jealousy and possessiveness should never been seen as sweet or romantic. Instead, Dr. McCullough says it represents immaturity and insecurity. When your bond is solid, you can trust that your partner isn't interested in being with anyone else but you.

4 Giving Your Partner Ultimatums

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"When you're in a good relationship, you will rarely find yourself giving ultimatums to your partner because you’re open about your needs," psychologist Kelsey M. Latimer, PhD, CEDS-S, founder of Hello Goodlife, tells Bustle. You won't need to pressure your partner to do anything because you communicate regularly. Your relationship is truly solid because you're on the same page.

5 Pretending To Be Someone You're Not

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"If we aren’t honest about who we are, the relationship will never be solid," Latimer says. When you're with the right person, you should never feel the need to hide who you really are. You trust that your partner loves every single part of you because they're choosing to commit to you every day.

6 Big Fights

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Every couple fights, but only solid couples know how to fight fairly. According to Latimer, fighting fairly means sticking to the issue at hand. No bringing up old issues or mistakes and throwing it in each other's faces. In fact you'll rarely ever find yourself in big fights, she says, but rather arguments that are contained to a specific, in-the-moment subject.

7 Snooping

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If you truly trust your partner, you won't feel the need to snoop, meaning you won't scroll through their phone when they walk out of the room or log on to their social media accounts without them knowing. "When one partner is snooping or spying, their main goal is to not stop until they find something 'suspicious,'" certified matchmaker, Marissa Ventura, tells Bustle. "Where there is no trust, there is no solid relationship."

8 Getting Your Way Every Single Time

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As great as it can be to get everything you want, unfortunately that's not likely to happen if you're in a healthy relationship. "Known as 'the glue' of the relationship, the ability to compromise represents the act of selflessness and no relationship is solid without it," Ventura says. Both you and your partner need to decide what compromises you're willing to make in order to make the relationship work. You must both be OK with not getting everything you want at all times. "Acknowledging your partner's desires is essential, assuming they're reasonable," she says. "If you or your partner has poor compromising skills while dating, it's not going to work long-term."

9 Worrying Over Your Partner Getting Bored With The Relationship

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When you’re in a relationship that's built to last, you won't worry about your partner losing interest. "It won’t happen and you know it," Rosalind Sedacca, CLC, relationship expert and author, tells Bustle. How do you know? Because you both make a conscious effort to work on the relationship each and every day. You nurture it, so your mind never has to wander to that negative space. Therefore, Sedacca says, "Your life is easier because it's devoid of relationship insecurities or drama."

10 Feeling Physically Or Emotionally Unsafe

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"If at any point, you fear that a person will physically hurt you or intentionally emotionally abuse you, blackmail or manipulate you, this is not a solid relationship," licensed clinical psychologist, Dr. Melissa Robinson-Brown, Ph.D., tells Bustle. It's an abusive one, and you should find a way to remove yourself from that situation, perhaps with the help of a professional or loved ones.

11 Using Each Other's Vulnerabilities As A Weapon

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When you're in a solid relationship, you can trust your partner enough to be vulnerable with them. More importantly, they will never knowingly bring up your triggers to hurt you. If they do, Dr. Robinson-Brown says, this is neither a solid nor a safe relationship.

12 Cancelling Set Plans With Other People Because Your Partner Doesn't Have Anything Going On

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When you're in a healthy relationship, you and your partner have lives outside of each other. That means, you never ask your partner to cancel set plans with friends, and vice versa. You give each other space to do your own thing and trust that you'll come back home to each other. "A solid relationship is when your love cup is full. It is when you do you," licensed clinical psychologist, Dr. Dara Bushman, tells Bustle. "It's when you are physically, emotionally, and spiritually satiated. The tempo of your breath is not contingent on your partner."

13 Talk Bad About Your Partner To Other People

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"Our natural instinct when a romance is going well is to defend our partner from any outside criticism," Dr. Carissa Coulston, clinical psychologist, tells Bustle. But if you find that you're constantly venting to your friends and family members about how your partner always does something wrong, you may need to think about whether this is the right person for you. According to Dr. Coulston, "Saying negative things about your partner when their back is turned shows a move towards the end of the line."

14 Feeling Stuck

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"Solid relationships allow us to be our most authentic self and allow us to grow," licensed psychotherapist, Nikita Banks, LCSW, tells Bustle. "Relationships have to allow for each individual partner to change." If you constantly feel stuck or you feel like your partner is dragging you down, it doesn't matter how much you love them. Your partner needs to be supportive of your growth, and they should be growing right along with you. If not, this may not be the right relationship for you.

15 Feeling Like Something Is Missing

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It’s common to experience ups and downs in relationships. But if you find yourself feeling unhappy or unfulfilled more days than not in your relationship, Dr. Robinson-Brown says, that's not a great sign. This shows you're not communicating your needs enough or if you do, your partner isn't listening.

When it comes down to it, a truly solid relationship is really just based on a few essential things. It's important to constantly work on communication and building trust. If you can keep working on your relationship to the point that the above things never or rarely ever happen, you're on a great track.

Editor's Note: If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1(800) 799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org.

These Are the 5 Signs of a Solid Relationship, According to Couples Therapists

Here are the essentials for a relationship that’ll last.

Hollywood, via our beloved rom-coms and sitcoms, may have us thinking that we know what love is. But in reality, determining what constitutes a healthy relationship can be much more nuanced and difficult than it may look in movies and TV.

“We know how to fall in love, but we don’t really know what it takes to be in loving relationships,” says licensed clinical psychologist Elizabeth Peyton, Ph.D. “People just kind of assume that those relationships go along on their own, whereas they actually take a lot of work.”

So what does it take to make sure you and your partner can stick together for the long haul? Here, Peyton and fellow licensed clinical psychologist Justin Hopkins, Psy. D. break down the five most important aspects of a solid relationship:

1. You both have a growth mindset

Peyton says couples who see relationships as an opportunity to grow are more likely to be successful. “You need to have a growth mindset in order for a relationship to not only survive, but to flourish,” she tells us.

Part of that growth also includes actively choosing to evolve and accept your partner throughout different life stages and transitions, such as parenthood or retirement. “Love is a choice,” says Hopkins. “We choose to love people, and successful couples choose to love their partner, even when their partner changes.”

2. You trust each other

Both experts agree that trust is essential for intimacy, and couples need to be able to assume good intent with each other on issues ranging from money to faithfulness to parenting styles. If you trust your partner, you’re also more likely to be forgiving of their shortcomings, and overcome some of the daily irritants — like that ever-growing stack of dirty dishes in the sink — which are inevitable to some degree.

Peyton points out that someone’s ability to trust may have something to do with their attachment style. These styles can be broken down into three main categories: secure, anxious, and avoidant. While securely attached people tend to have a more healthy upbringing and are better at approaching intimate relationships, anxious and avoidant people find intimacy more of a struggle.

But no matter your attachment style, Hopkins warns that once that trust is lost, it’s extremely difficult to rebuild. “It takes a lot of time and consistency and reliability to build up trust, and that sense that you can rely on someone and believe what they’re saying,” he points out. “And it just takes a brief moment for it to be broken.”

3. You can be your honest and true self

The early phase of a relationship is often called “the honeymoon phase,” and for good reason: It’s often filled with excitement, love, passion, and anticipation. (Just like a whirlwind trip to Aruba.) During this period, Hopkins says it’s common for us to be the best versions of ourselves during this period and not show who we truly are, whether that be due to fears over not being accepted or a lack of confidence.

But Hopkins says it’s important to remember that eventually — and naturally — this phase fades with time. At some point, people should feel free to be their real and authentic selves. “We have to get past that honeymoon phase in order to be honest about who we are, the things that we struggle with, the fears, and the vulnerabilities that we have,” he tells us. “And be able to not only accept that about ourselves, but also accept that about the other person.”

4. You maintain a sense of independence

It’s crucial for both partners to have their own identity and to do things separately, but that may be easier said than done. After all, many couples are quarantining, and spending more time together than ever before. Some research even shows that quarantining alongside someone means spending the equivalent of four extra years in the relationship.

But both experts believe it’s unrealistic (and unfair) to expect your partner to fulfill every emotional want. Peyton says alone time can actually help to keep a relationship fresh. “One of the things that burdens modern-day relationships is the idea that they’re supposed to satisfy so many different kinds of needs,” Peyton says. “Your partner is supposed to be your lover, your best friend, and your confidant — and when you add in the mundane elements of day-to-day living, they can sap some of the erotic energy.”

5. You’re able to take accountability and communicate

Overall, mental health experts agree that conflict is a part of solid relationships, but healthy conflict is achieved via acknowledging your imperfections and being able to apologize.

“Accountability and apologies are essential for a couple to work out,” says Hopkins. “We have to be able to know that we are not perfect, so we can acknowledge that we’re doing something that’s having a particular impact on our partner, despite our best intentions.”

Peyton adds that this is also why communication is so crucial: Solid couples are able to “articulate their needs, rather than highlight the other person’s deficits. ” Though it’s easy (and even valid) to be critical of your partner when they’re not meeting your needs, if you’re not sharing those issues in the right way, it can put that person on the defensive.

“Intimacy evokes a lot of raw emotions for people,” says Hopkins. “We need to have a good foundation for how to communicate those things, and how to be honest with ourselves.”

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9 Golden Rules for Strong Relationships

57,763

Man and Woman Relationship Crisis

Nowadays, couples have almost no external reasons to be together. Society does not require that two keep the family at all costs. Economic conditions do not force them to stick around in order to survive. Partners stay with each other not to please their parents, and not even for the sake of children, they rather like to spend time together. But what guarantees the duration of such an alliance?

“Relationships that can by no means be called healthy can last a lifetime, for example, co-dependent or based on violence, and they have their own criteria for strength,” comments Alexander Chernikov. “The condition for a long-term happy relationship is the emotional maturity of the partners, or at least movement towards it.”

An emotionally mature person is able to objectively assess the situation, act independently, while maintaining a deep connection with the other. He behaves honestly and openly, knows how to defend the boundaries and does not use the other for his own purposes. Several principles of such relations.

1. Support in a crisis

The ability to be by your side in difficult times is one of the components of a happy marriage. Moving, dismissal, the birth of a child, the death of parents, one's own illness or illnesses of children - in the life of every family there are periods of vulnerability, it is necessary that the spouse does not step aside, but lends a shoulder.

“But it happens that a partner not only leans, but “falls” on the second,” says Alexander Chernikov. - The one who felt abandoned, unloved in childhood, in a relationship often tries to compensate for this lack. Clinging to a partner and shifting his emotional difficulties onto him, he feels more stable. This puts a lot of pressure on marriage. So responsiveness is necessary, but such distortions are best avoided. ”

2. Soothe your anxiety

“To be capable of emotional regulation means to be aware that what I feel is primarily my own experiences, emotions,” explains the psychotherapist. “The partner could have provoked them to some extent, but my task is to calm down.”

This also includes the ability to withstand the anxiety of difference, which occurs when we do not agree in opinions and desires. The husband intends to go to his mother, buy a sofa or send the child to a neighboring school, but the wife does not. The discussion can turn into a scandal, mutual attacks. In a mature relationship, partners are able to bring themselves to their senses and stay in dialogue, agree, despite different points of view.

3. Distinguishing partner from ghosts of the past

If you do not trust your wife because you were betrayed in a previous relationship; if you react to your husband's remarks as if you were criticizing your mother, then you will have to do some inner work to separate one from the other.

Substitution can occur if the experience of relationships with a significant person in the past (parents, older brother or sister, teacher) has become traumatic for you. A sign of a mature relationship is the ability to distinguish the actions of a spouse from similar behavior of other people and perceive them in the context of the present moment.

4. Talk about your vulnerability

It's not about being willing to share whatever comes to mind. You can willingly talk about your successes and hide painful experiences. It takes determination to confess your fears. “You are going to another country, I am afraid that you will meet another woman there.” “Now you will definitely understand that I am incompetent.” "It hurts me when you react like that."

“It's easier for us to talk about our fears in an accusatory way,” notes Alexander Chernikov. - “Your jokes are stupid, and you yourself are a fool”, “Yes, I know you, you will go for the first skirt!” A person at this moment is not talking about himself, he is attacking: “You make me suffer!” and provokes the partner to retaliatory accusations. And the ability to talk about what hurts us evokes sympathy and a desire to meet halfway. A necessary quality in order to better understand each other, without thinking too much.

5. Recognize the merit of another

All couples quarrel. But those who are happily married, even during conflict, show that they are generally good to each other and that this outburst of anger and discontent is an accidental construction on a solid foundation of love and understanding.

“Why is this rule hard to follow? the expert thinks. - In a conflict, emotions go wild, drawing a black and white picture (“you always do it your own way”, “you don’t feel sorry for me at all!”). These "always" and "never" evoke powerful defensive behavior in the partner and the desire to strike back. Learn to maintain a voluminous, ambivalent perception of a partner in a conflict, to recognize his merits. To say: “Our relationship has a bright side, and then you did very well, but here I am very offended,” and the dialogue becomes more constructive.

6. Consider the needs of the partner

In stressful situations, each person usually comes to the fore personal needs, and the desires and interests of the partner remain behind the scenes. And at such a moment it is difficult to understand why the other suddenly shows donkey stubbornness and refuses to do what we ask. In a mature relationship, partners always try to keep each other's needs in focus.

7. Laugh without offending

The ability to see something comic in a situation, to look at oneself from the outside helps to understand that the circumstances are not so tragic (unless, of course, we are talking about everyday things).

Insults, cynical comments and hurtful humor are unacceptable, i.e. anything that looks like devaluation and humiliation

“In case of strong emotional arousal, the cerebral cortex stops working well and the “fight-run-freeze” limbic system turns on,” Alexander Chernikov explains. We start to fight or slam the door. Humor that does not offend a partner allows you to reduce the intensity of passions and communicate more calmly.

8. Set limits

In love, it is important for us to be ourselves, to be natural. But spontaneity doesn't mean you can be rude.

“I don't think that name-calling and obscene remarks dropped in passing, or shouting that someone allows himself to relieve tension, lead to strengthening the marriage,” the expert comments. “If these boundaries were not set by default, they need to be specified as soon as possible.”

This is primarily about any form of physical violence. Insults, cynical comments and offensive humor, that is, everything that looks like depreciation and humiliation, are unacceptable. Of course, these are subjective categories: someone is likely to feel offended by being pointed out wrong. But in most cases, we are quite aware of when we have offended ourselves, and when someone has violated our boundaries.

9. Understand that some of the partner's reactions are “not about me”

When we realize that a harsh statement, raised tone of a loved one does not fully apply to us, then we react not so painfully and do not turn on our own defenses.

“Think that a critical remark or a negative reaction is provoked by us by about 50%, and the other 50% are projections and transfers from relationships with other people, for example, with a boss who yelled at work in the morning,” Alexander Chernikov explains. - What to do in such situations? Repeat, as in active listening, the feelings of a partner, give them an outlet. But then ask: “What else is bothering you? Your reaction looks too strong. Perhaps you brought some other feelings here?

We can stay in touch with a loved one and really hear what they care about only when we are not overwhelmed by guilt and do not begin to defend ourselves against criticism. To do this, it is important to understand that the disappointment of a partner is connected not only with us, but also with his inaccurate perception and transfers.

Svetlana almost divorced Roman when he lost his job

Svetlana, 38: Roma held a responsible position in a large company, and when my daughter was born, we agreed: I no longer go to the office. And now my daughter is in a private school, with plans to send her abroad ... And her husband remains without work: the company has curtailed its activities. We were not ready for this! He toiled at home, I began to notice that he was drinking. The money was running out.

“Send your daughter to a regular school,” the husband suggested. In the middle of the year? I pawned a diamond ring to pay for another six months. And I decided that I myself would go to work, since he did not want to. Relations deteriorated. It's been three years since he lost his job. I said that I was filing for divorce, and went with my daughter to my mother. He came for us a week later. Freshly shaven, in a suit and a starched shirt, strong-willed and resolute - the same Roma whom I knew and loved. He said that he had found a job and that we should return, because without us his life loses all meaning. Since then, we have never had a fight.

Roman, aged 42: When the general said: “Guys, you don't have to come to the office from tomorrow”, it was a blow. I hoped to quickly find a good position, but it did not work. Sveta was annoyed that I was not helping her. Me - that she demands it. In the end, I have been working seven days a week since I was 14, so I can take a break for a year or two! The money was running out, I insisted that the spending be proportionate. I thought it was overkill to pay for an expensive private school. And you can do without beauty salons.

My wife received her first salary and said that we are changing roles and from now on I will be a householder. It was humiliating. A friend pulled me out: he took me to a psychotherapist and paid for the sessions for six months. My wife says that I drank a lot at that time. Well, it happened a couple of times, and then a friend had a son, and we hung out with him for three days. When I returned home, I found that she had packed her things and left for her mother. And the next day they called me and said: “You have been hired.”

About the expert

Alexander Chernikov - systemic family psychotherapist, member of the European Association for Psychotherapy, chairman of the expert council of the Society of Family Counselors and Psychotherapists.

Text: Alla Anufrieva, Elena Lugovtsova Photo Source: Getty Images

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Principles of building strong relationships. Can this be learned?

The principles of building love and family relationships are by and large no different from the principles of any other social interaction. Relationships are a part of almost every area of life, from running a successful business to creating a happy family. Man is a biosocial being, and therefore it is vital for him to be able to communicate with others.

Fortunately, the skill of building and maintaining quality relationships is not innate and is fairly easy to develop by applying a few key principles, which we will discuss in this article.

Relationships in numbers

The ability to build healthy relationships is an important skill that, unfortunately, not everyone has mastered. According to sociologists, from 40 to 50% of marriages in the United States end in divorce [Insider, 2021]. In Russia, 45.8 thousand divorces were registered in June 2020, which is almost 2.5 times more than in May of the same year [Izvestia, 2020].

The lowest percentage of divorces is observed in the republics of the North Caucasus: Ingushetia and Chechnya (0.6%), Dagestan (1.1%) and North Ossetia (1.7%), as well as in Tuva (1.6%). The leaders in the number of divorces were the Republic of Altai (4.3%), the Yamalo-Nenets Autonomous Okrug (4.2%), Kaliningrad (4.2%), Amur and Magadan regions (4.1%) [Izvestia, 2020].

According to the head of the laboratory of quantitative methods for studying regional development of the Russian University of Economics. G. V. Plekhanov Elena Egorova, the institution of the family has been undergoing changes in recent decades. “There is no longer that value, and often couples break up even without any attempts to improve relations, to save them. Therefore, the divorce rate is high, and then remarriage occurs, which will also be counted, ”explains the expert [Izvestia, 2020].

Building new relationships is a complex process that requires a lot of effort and resources on both sides. It is worth noting that the absence of divorces may not always indicate happiness and harmony in married couples. So, for example, the low coefficient in the republics of the North Caucasus can be easily explained by national characteristics, namely, the rejection of divorces at the mental and cultural levels.

Between January and June 2020, 220.7 thousand cases of divorce proceedings were registered in Russia, which is 34.7% less than in the first six months of the previous year [RBC, 2020]. However, sociologists believe that this is due primarily to the introduction of the regime of self-isolation caused by a new coronavirus infection.

Signs of destructive relationships

Relationships can be both healthy and destructive. The purpose and methods of their construction, each person determines for himself independently.

The following signs may indicate that you are in a destructive union :

The partner's regular unwillingness to discuss the problems that have arisen.
Lack of respect for the feelings, interests and desires of another person.
Distrust.
Deception (from minor withholding to major lies).
Violation of personal boundaries.
Imposed control, ranging from managing the partner's finances to checking correspondence on social networks and instant messengers.
Forced sexual activity or reproductive abuse.
Lack of equality.
Insults and humiliation.
Psychological or physical abuse.
False accusations.
Manipulation.

Couples who use destructive behavior during fights (eg, yelling, insults, personal and painful criticism of a partner, avoiding discussion of the problem, and even using physical violence) are more likely to break up than couples in which partners constructively state their point vision and respect each other's opinions.

Disagreements are part of any human relationship. With the right approach to them, you can get a lot of advantages, because often it is in a dispute that truth is born. However, not everyone can constructively resolve emerging differences of opinion. Using creative strategies, such as listening to the other person and understanding their feelings, is a healthier way to deal with disagreements.

There can be many reasons for conflicts, from socks scattered around the house to parenting issues. Both cases are absolutely normal, but only if they are properly resolved. If you quarreled over an unsealed tube of toothpaste and after 5 minutes forgot about it and continue to enjoy each other's company, then there is no reason to worry. It is much worse if a petty quarrel leads to abuse, manipulation, or silence for days or even weeks [American Psychological Association, 2020].

There are ups and downs in every relationship, but some factors are more likely than others to lead to a crisis. One of the signs of a problem is repeated conflicts for the same reason. For example, constant quarrels over financial issues or household items. In such cases, it is recommended to contact qualified family psychologists who will help couples improve interaction and find healthy ways to resolve conflicts.

Do not wait until there are signs of problems in a relationship before you begin to strengthen the union. There are special programs and courses that analyze the system, model, rules and features of building family relationships. The purpose of these programs is to teach partners such important skills as good communication, listening and resolving differences, thereby significantly reducing the risk of conflict and divorce.

One such program is our Relationship Building online course. In it, we have collected the secrets of creating happy and harmonious couples. The program is suitable for both people who have been married for a long time, and those who are just planning to start a family and are at the stage of choosing a life partner.

Signs of a healthy relationship

Any relationship is only as good as the people in it. In a strong union, each of the partners is a self-sufficient person who makes an equal contribution to its development. If people follow these principles when building relationships, then harmony and mutual understanding reign in their couples and families.

Successful couples trust each other in everything from financial planning and family budgeting to raising children. “When people can trust their spouse to deal effectively with these issues, relationships can develop in a healthy way,” says Samantha Saltz, MD, and board-certified psychiatrist [Insider, 2021].

A 2013 study of married couples found that partners who trust each other are more likely to feel satisfied in their relationship. The study measured trust on three scales: predictability, reliability, and trust in a loved one [International Journal of Research Studies in Psychology, 2013].

Healthy relationships involve a balance in which the needs of partners are equally important. The needs of each member of a couple can include many things, including quality time, communication, or intimacy. Such unions are much healthier than codependent unions, when one partner will almost always satisfy his desires, while the other will not.

“It is important that the participants in a relationship have their own identity, independent of their partner,” notes Saltz. “This could mean having your own interests and hobbies or friendships that are not related to your couple” [Insider, 2021].

Being alone is good for a person's psychological and emotional health. People need time to relax and be alone. Experts believe that the desire to occasionally spend several hours or even days away from a partner is completely normal, as well as going on a trip with friends, as it is a sign of trust in a loved one.

Conflict is not a sign of problems in a couple, but the ability to get out of it is very important for building a strong union. "If you've never had a disagreement with your partner, it could be a sign that you're ignoring problems, which can lead to resentment or more disagreement," said Chris Lit, Ph. D., professor at the University of Texas at San Antonio. [Insider, 2021].

It is important to be able to use conflict as an opportunity for growth for both the couple and the individual. If disagreements do arise, people in healthy relationships should be able to work through them together. Resolving conflicts can be a sign of commitment to a relationship. It shows that both partners are ready to stay with each other, despite disagreements and differences in views.

The ability to resolve conflicts is a sign of mutual respect and understanding. Research shows that couples who preferred to solve problems together are more likely to be satisfied with their relationship [Social Psychology, 2019]. Many psychologists point out that conflict that is effectively resolved usually results in increased intimacy and a sense of cooperation and empowerment in couples.

Touch and physical intimacy are critical to healthy relationships, as they enable each member to feel closer to their partner and bring pleasure to everyday life together.

For a couple to thrive, it is important that both partners want to be open about their feelings, worries, and dreams. Clear and direct communication is a sign of a healthy relationship. It assumes that loving people can express their wants and needs in a way that the other person can understand. Such communication helps to establish contact with a partner, honestly express their thoughts and resolve any conflicts that may arise.

Studies have shown that couples were more satisfied with their relationship when they used communication skills such as making constructive statements and clarifying the meaning of spoken words [Journal of Psychology in Africa, 2018].

Principles of building healthy relationships

The key to a strong and successful relationship lies in constant work on yourself on both sides. Harmonious couples are not a fairy tale that writers, poets and screenwriters paint, but a completely achievable reality. However, this reality is not created overnight, but is the result of complex and painstaking work on both sides [American Psychological Association, 2020].

Romantic relationships are important for happiness and well-being, but maintaining them requires some effort. We have prepared for you a few recommendations that absolutely anyone who wants to achieve harmony with their other half can follow.

Trust

Perhaps the main principle of building not only love, but all social relationships is trust. To win him over, you need to be consistent and reliable in all your words and actions. Try to use the principle of "trust in advance". This means that you should not knowingly expect a dirty trick from the person with whom you are approaching, a priori trusting him.

Of course, sometimes it can be difficult to let go of negative experiences and begin to trust unconditionally a new partner who is not responsible for your past. If the pain of past betrayals and disappointments is preventing you from building relationships from scratch, work through this issue with a psychologist. You will soon notice how easy and pleasant it is to trust people.

Trust is not only honesty, but also the ability to tell a loved one about your experiences, fears, dreams and plans without fear of being judged or ridiculed [About Leaders, 2016]. People who build relationships on trust are honest with others and rightly expect honesty in return. In such couples, a healthy atmosphere of security is created, conducive to frank and personal conversations.

Show respect

Trust is impossible without mutual respect. To create a safe environment, be respectful of the other person's feelings.

Take the time to intentionally express your respect for the people around you. You will soon find that this makes them feel important and unique. Respect also implies the ability to listen carefully to a partner, showing him your involvement and interest. When you regularly say “please” and “thank you” to people who play an important role in your life, you show them your respect and appreciation, which significantly improves the quality of your relationships [About Leaders, 2016].

Make time for your partner

How much time you spend with your loved one is an important factor in your relationship. Their value can increase for both you and your partner, depending on the amount of time you give them.

At the same time, it is important to pay attention to the quality of the time spent. This means that at this moment you should be completely and completely focused on your partner, his words, actions and feelings, without being distracted by extraneous worries.

It is better for you to spend a few minutes every day with a loved one, being sincerely interested in what kind of emotions he experiences, than to be in the same apartment all day long, but at the same time behave like neighbors.

Praise and give thanks

Remember that the three most powerful words in any relationship are "I love you." Take the time to show and tell the most important people in your life that you love them, and do it in many ways and as often as possible.

Belief in the best in people usually helps to bring out their best qualities. When you express appreciation to another person for what he does for you, he feels better and wants to please even more.

Add value to your partner. This can be done in simple ways. For example, with a kind and encouraging word or a warm and sincere hug. Research shows that respect for a loved one is one of the strongest determinants of whether couples are satisfied with their relationship [PNAS, 2020].

Admit mistakes and forgive

People are not perfect, and no matter how hard they try to always do the right thing, everyone can make mistakes. Taking responsibility for your own actions is the foundation of a healthy and productive relationship.

If you make a mistake, admit it. If you have acted badly towards a loved one, ask him for forgiveness. Attacking and blaming in retaliation never improves a relationship. Know how to forgive and let go of resentment. Then you will live with less stress and enjoy life more.

Speak openly

Communication is a key element of a healthy relationship. Strong couples regularly set aside time to talk to each other. It is important to talk not only about raising children and housekeeping, but also about each other's feelings, plans and dreams. Try to dedicate a few minutes each day to discussing deeper or more personal topics in order to stay in touch with your partner in the long run.

Often people can be offended that their partners do not guess thoughts, desires and feelings, while not realizing that they do not have psychic abilities and cannot read minds. Being able to speak openly assumes that you can honestly and at the same time correctly express your expectations, desires, thoughts, doubts and feelings. Only when you directly state your position can you expect your partner's reaction to it.

This principle also works in reverse. You don't have to think for someone else. If it seems to you that something is bothering your loved one or, for example, he has changed his attitude towards you, do not wind yourself up, but directly and openly ask him about it. Only he can dispel or confirm your doubts.

Diversify

Children, careers, and household obligations can make it difficult to stay in touch with your partner and maintain the same interest in each other. Routine is the main enemy of romance.

To prevent this from happening, add variety to your routine. Arrange unexpected surprises, invite your partner on dates, find a joint hobby or visit regularly new and interesting places and workshops. Travel, make friends, develop and share your impressions. All this can significantly color your family life.

Read and develop

The skill of building harmonious and happy relationships is the same skill as, for example, negotiating or planning time. He can and should learn. Of course, this does not work out the first time, but do not give up. Children also do not immediately begin to walk, but this does not mean that after the first unsuccessful attempt, they should stop and decide that walking is not for them.

To understand yourself and the basic principles of building healthy relationships, it is not necessary to sign up for expensive programs or go to family psychologists. In the age of modern technology, there is a large amount of useful information that can be easily found in the public domain.

For example, the well-known video hosting YouTube has collected a large number of recordings from lectures, seminars and speeches by famous psychologists and specialists in family relations. One of them is the Ukrainian Vedic philosopher, family psychologist, author of books Satya Das, who became famous thanks to his light and cheerful presentation of the material.

At his seminars, Satya Das tells listeners in a simple and humorous manner about the principles, stages and methods of building healthy and strong relationships [NN.ru, 2019]. His channel has a large collection of videos from real performances, where a psychologist answers questions from listeners and shares with them his many years of experience as a happy family man.

Start with yourself

Like attracts like. Keep this in mind the next time you want to complain about your partner or blame him for anything. In most cases, your loved ones are a reflection of yourself.

Relationships should not close the void in the soul and save from loneliness. Starting to date another person, wanting to escape anguish or solve internal problems, you risk falling into a dependent relationship. Only by becoming a self-sufficient and harmonious person, who is quite comfortable alone with himself, you can find the same whole person and create a healthy union with him.

Conclusion

Of course, this is not a complete list of recommendations that can be given to people who want to build strong and healthy relationships. However, there is no single formula that suits absolutely everyone without exception. The beauty of relationships is in their uniqueness and uniqueness. And if both people in them enjoy mutual society, then this is the most important thing.

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