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Men who are emotionally detached


Am I with an Emotionally Unavailable Man? — Integrative Psychotherapy Mental Health Blog


You’re sitting in your cozy New York apartment and are staring at your computer screen, wide awake at 3am. For some reason, you can’t sleep but you don’t know why. Then you go to your google browser and click “ Why don’t I feel calm in my relationship”? and scroll through a few blogs and info graphs.

Then you write “How to know if the guy I’m with loves me”… and you find a few juicy articles with some basic examples that let you know if your man is “into you”..but then you see a term in the corner of the page that says “but, beware of the emotionally unavailable partner”, and you stare at those words for a few long moments.

You head back to google and click “How To Know If My Man Is Emotionally Available” and boom, you hit the jackpot. Your “mister” may not be emotionally available and that’s what this anxiety has been about. This is what’s been keeping you with a nagging feeling of doubt, insecurity and fear.

What does it mean if someone is emotionally unavailable?

Signs he IS Available!

It means that the person has a difficult time relating to and understanding your emotions (as well as their own). They may not fully comprehend or know how to engage with and reciprocate love in a way that feels fulfilling; physically, emotionally, mentally and sexually.

An Emotionally unavailable person often has a fear or a blockage to emotional intimacy, leaving the other person feeling like they are grasping for more, left feeling misunderstood, emotionally unsatisfied and confused.

Relationships, while sometimes challenging, are meant to come with a feeling of security, excitement and calm.

So, if you’re feeling unsteady, and uncertain about how your partner feels about you, you may want to have a conversation with them. At the same time, if you think they may be unavailable, your plan of action may be a bit more nuanced so you don’t keep feeling confused.

Here are 10 signs of an emotionally unavailable man.

1. When it comes to real-life conversations, they run.

You enjoy being in each others’ company and have a really playful dynamic, sexually. The conversation flows smoothly when it’s about friends, plans for dinner or your clothing choice. However, when you start sharing more emotionally about your family, or discuss your plans for your future, he checks out. An emotionally unavailable man has a difficult time knowing how to engage in the real-stuff conversations. In some instances, he may have some capacity to listen, but is emotionally shutting that part of himself down so that you don’t get too close. If that’s the case, you will likely feel shut down and alone. Healthy relationships are ones where your partner wants you to feel connected with, heard and supported.

2. Their relationship history speaks loudly

Though we can’t judge all people solely based on their history, when it comes to relationships, it’s important to take note of the person’s relationship history. The ways we operate in relationships (engage, respond, love, reciprocate, listen) are based on patterned responses that are often automatic and unconscious. Therefore, if someone has operated in a certain way in the past, unless they’ve done some really introspective work and made conscious shifts, it’s more than likely they will repeat their old patterns in their current relationships.

When it comes to past relationships of men who are emotionally unavailable, you’ll either see that they have never been in a real relationship- and have only had casual “flings” or “situation-ships”. They may have primarily had “friends with benefits”, or they’ve had relationships that were toxic, codependent or chronically unfulfilling. You may hear them sharing a narrative blaming the other person or thinking that it was the other person at fault, without hearing the person taking accountability for their part of the dynamic. You may notice a pattern where they leave the relationship just as it’s about to get serious, or if they end things because they are afraid of “getting stuck”. These are all signs of someone who has fear associated with emotional intimacy.

They have emotional blockages that hold them back from seeing that, though relationships do come with responsibility, healthy love can also be freeing, invigorating and deeply nourishing.

If there is a level of health and emotional awareness, you would hear the person take accountability in some form. Here are some examples; “I wasn’t really able to be present”, or “I acted like needy child and there was no way we were going to last”, or “ I was afraid of intimacy so I only attracted chaotic partners” or “ I don’t know what it was, but I definitely had a part on the experience”. )

3. Intermittent Responsiveness

When we are in a healthy relationship, there is a level of interaction and responsiveness, in person and via phone. When someone is emotionally unavailable, their communication will reflect that. There will be times that they reach out and engage with you, and there will be times where they go silent and respond hours later. We all know that sometimes we get busy, and it’s ok to sometimes not be responsive. But when it comes to someone who is emotionally non-present, there will be a normalizing of this lack of communication or intermittent emotional presence. If you feel like you’re grasping for a response, or you’re reaching to know that you matter to them, please take a breath and pause.

Do not stay engaged in a cycle with someone who isn’t able to reciprocate healthy communication and care.

4. The Energy is Non-Committal

Do you know that calm feeling you get when you spend time with someone who just loves you? Think about your best friend from childhood, or your sister or a close colleague who just shows up for you, in the good times and the bad. Our bodies know the energy that surrounds us. Somatic Therapy speaks about this concept, that we have a “felt sense” a feeling that gives us the “good feels” or “yucky feels”. When it comes to being with someone emotionally unavailable, your body gets this anxious, irritable energy because you can sense his energy of non-commitment.

Though he may have adorable dimples, or a lovable laugh, and makes you smile, you end up feeling a bitter taste in your heart.

His energy of non commitment comes across when he fits you into his “free time” or cancels plans last minute. He won’t be making sure you’re on this “priority list”, and when you start noticing your position in his life, you start feeling bad about yourself and this often causes a dent to your self esteem. Yeah, not a good thing to stay engaged with!

5. You feel insecure and misunderstood

Half of being understood is about your words landing, but the other half is about the person truly caring about how you’re feeling and valuing your emotions. When Mr. Unavailable is the one you’re investing emotionally in, you’ll likely feel dismissed, and misunderstood. He may be “listening” to the words you’re staying, but he isn’t truly taking the energy to understand you, get to fully grasp how the situation you’re sharing impacted you, and he may even get frustrated when you seem hurt by his lack of care. He may tell you that you’re too needy and are complicated because “he’s trying”. Hearing this can leave you feeling insecure and bad about yourself. You may think you’re feeling bad because of what he said about you needing too much, but really the insecurity is about the fact that you’re engaging with someone who isn’t giving you a feeling of safety and security.

You deserve to feel secure, valued and for y0ur partner to be attentive to you; please do not take criticism about your (reasonable) emotional needs to heart.

6. Defensiveness is their second name

A sign of an emotionally available man!

He will likely have some kind of awareness that he isn’t showing up in the way you’re wanting and needing. Because of this, if he says something that lands wrong or if you question something about his motive, you’ll hear a defensive response. This irritability on his end is because he’s operating with a sense of self denial (he may tell himself he doesn’t need a more emotional relationship, or he may want to be in a relationship, but not with you, and he needs to keep all the true feelings far away from himself so he doesn’t feel compelled to make changes).

It’s not your job to help someone be less defensive; it’s your job to listen to his actions and energy and decide if this is healthy for you (hint: it likely is not!)

Now, in healthy relationships, we all have defensiveness that can come up, and those are work-able with. However, when it’s in a relationship that is wobbly and had little emotional connection, and there is a lot of defensiveness, you want to be careful and notice that.

7. Lacking excitement, romance and growing love

Healthy, emotionally fulfilling relationships grow with time. Though the initial infatuation settles, what does grow is a feeling of excitement of being with someone who understands you, a growing romantic dynamic that comes with ease and an anchoring love and connectedness. Relationships the steady foundations to our emotional health, and when you’re in a healthy relationship, you will feel steadier.

This doesn’t mean you wont have conflict, but it means that you have the capacity to move past disagreements and grow, together. Your love becomes richer and more calming to both of you, as you stay emotionally attuned and caring to one another, and to the relationship.

But when you’re with someone emotionally unavailable, you won’t feel any of the warm fuzzy feelings around your heart. You may have some good feelings, but there’s a feeling of stagnation where the good isn’t growing and the love is deepening. If you notice a lack of spark and joy, don’t ignore that feeling; listen in.

8. Judgement around sharing emotions instead of vulnerability being seen as beautiful.

Relationships are all about vulnerability, trust and care. Sharing emotions is about letting someone else into our heart and giving them a chance at getting closer to us. When someone is emotionally unavailable, they are terrified of emotions. They are afraid of sharing because they likely have their own fears about opening up to someone. But since they have a fierce wall of protection, you may not get to see their feelings, but when you share yours, you will be met with a feeling of judgement.

But please do know that just because he has fears about getting attached and responding to your emotional sharing, it does not mean that your feelings are bad or wrong to share. Judgement about your emotions may be a warning sign that he will either continuously shut you down emotionally, or will leave when he feels threatened emotionally. This is a toxic dynamic to stay in, so please honor your heart and find a way to leave the relationship if this dynamic is present.

When you’re with someone emotionally available, you’ve got this!

9. Out of Touch With Reality

Some men who are unavailable are living in a fantasy world and are out of touch with reality. They may have big plans, big ideas and are living in a mental space that is disconnected from reality. This may be a defense because they may have a lot of pain about their family of origin, or may feel like they are falling behind professionally or socially.

However, a healthy man is aware of his reality and take small yet smart steps towards growing. If your man is unavailable, you may notice that he’s simply out of touch with reality, not just with you and your relationship, but in a lot of areas in life.

This may give you comfort, as his limitations are clearly not about you, but are about him. And even if he is in touch with reality, but is emotionally unavailable- it still isn’t about you. The only problem that belongs to you is that you are choosing to stay engaged with someone who isn’t capable of respecting you in the way you need.

10. Confusion

You may feel a floaty feeling of confusion when you speak with them, or you may just feel confused when you spend time with them. On the one hand, you like what you have and it has sweet parts, but something leaves you feeling confused and unclear. If you feel this way, it’s coming from somewhere; I wouldn’t brush it away. If you were in a healthy relationship or if your man has the capacity to emotionally engage, I’d bring up the feeling and say “Hey, I notice I’m feeling kinda confused about us, or something between us feels confusing, can we chat about it please?”.

This kind of conversation can provide a space to openly share and to come to a place of tending to whatever it is that’s coming up from your end, his end, or an implicit dynamic between the two of you. However, with someone unavailable, this kind of conversation may go in circles or you may get answers that don’t settle you. You aren’t meant to feel confused in a relationship.

If you’re reading this, know that relationships can be fulfilling.

As social creatures, we need each other. However, we need others who are healthy enough to engage in real relationships. Now, if you are with someone who is loving and kind and has some limits, I would not put them on the “black list” just because they struggle. All relationships struggle, however, in healthy enough ones, both parties are open, truthful, clear and committed to the relationship and can tolerate the uncomfortable conversations.

However, if you are with someone who isn’t able to offer emotional availability and you ARE able to be emotionally available, then this blog is for you. I hope this information can clarify some facts so you feel less confused and more clear about your relationship.

I know that shifting relationships and taking in new information can feel overwhelming, or maybe even frightening.

Please take a breath and just take the information in slowly. Most often, we land up in unavailable relationships without realizing, or because there’s an unconscious attraction to people like that because of our own fears or negative beliefs about ourselves.

Sometimes, getting the right support from friends, family or a mentor or therapist, is the smartest route when making shifts in your relationship. If you are needing some individualized attention and one-on-one counseling to help support you as you make relationship shifts, reach out. We are here for you.

Our goal at Integrative Psychotherapy is about helping you have richer relationships….

And even more than that, we are here to do the deep work so we can help you heal from negative beliefs that keep you pulled into unfulfilling relationships or dynamics in your life.

New York Counseling for Improving Your Relationships

We get it, and our skilled clinicians have helped individuals do the work that allows for richer relationships. We utilize talk therapy, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, Attachment Informed Therapy, Parts Work/IFS, Creative Arts and Mind-Body Somatic Therapy to help you make shifts in your day to day relationships as well as tending to any unconscious patterns so you can make lasting changes in your life.

And wherever you are at today, reading this page, please do know that my heart is sending warm wishes to yours.

I truly believe that as you gain awareness and skills, you can and will invite more fulfilling relationships. As long as you are devoted to your heart, and to being in emotionally healthy relationships, you will have that. It may take time, but your commitment to health will guide you there.

Sending you strength and care,

Xx

Esther and the Integrative Team

———

And, get your some FREE downloadable worksheets and download to deepen your connection with yourself and engage in some mindfulness activities..and more. Click here for access to FREE content made with you in mind!

Attachment Theory, Abandonment Trauma, Love and Relationships, Somatic PsychotherapyEsther GoldsteinEmdr for trauma, relationships and attachment, relationships counseling nassau county, emotional hunger counseling nassau, emotionally unavailable17 Comments

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8 Signs of an Emotionally Unavailable Partner

  • Relationships
  • Love & Dating

This can manifest as distance, indifference, and a lack of commitment.

By

Stacey Laura Lloyd

Stacey Laura Lloyd

Stacey Laura Lloyd is an author with a passion for helping others find happiness and success in their dating lives as well as in their relationships.

Brides's Editorial Guidelines

Updated on 08/10/22

Reviewed by

Landis Bejar

Reviewed by Landis Bejar

Landis Bejar is a New York State Licensed Mental Health Counselor and the founder of AisleTalk: Consultation & Therapy.

Brides's Editorial Guidelines

Licensed Mental Health Counselor

Stocksy 

Since happy and healthy relationships are based on openness, honesty, mutual respect, and trust, it can be hard to understand and deal with emotionally unavailable people; what's more, it's often difficult for us to spot them early on. People will often try to rationalize a partner's behavior in a relationship, making excuses for them and having way too much hope that they'll change if we just give them time. Patience and understanding is important, but not when you're dealing with someone who will never be able to reciprocate emotionally.

What Is Emotional Unavailability?

Emotional unavailability refers to the inability to maintain emotional bonds in a relationship. It can manifest as distance, indifference, and a lack of commitment.

If you're worried that your partner might fall into this particular category, these eight key signs can help you learn if they're someone who's truly emotionally unavailable.

01 of 08

They Don't Open Up to You

One of the most common signs that someone is emotionally unavailable is that they don't reveal or show their actual feelings around you. And while you may encourage them to open up and be able to express their emotions, they never let their guard down around you to say what's really on their mind. For example, rather than confiding in you and talking about a bad day at the office or a disappointing night out with friends, they choose to keep their feelings bottled up inside and not express to you what they're actually thinking. And if your partner is this complicated and hard to read, it's actually not hard to see that there may be an issue with emotional unavailability and detachment.  

02 of 08

They're Not Comfortable With Your Emotions

An emotionally unavailable person is also not receptive or supportive when you express your feelings. If your partner becomes uncomfortable, put off, frustrated, or withdrawn when you choose to open up and be vulnerable, this is an indicator that they're not good at handling emotions—both their own as well as yours. In a deep, meaningful, and long-lasting relationship, you and your partner should lend an ear, a shoulder to cry on, and a helping hand, but if your beau isn't willing or able to be there for you when you need them the most, this is a sign that you're with someone who's emotionally unavailable.

03 of 08

Their Past Remains a Mystery to You

This type of person is also hardly ever open, honest, and forthright with you about the happenings in their past. And while they certainly don't need to divulge every single detail about their relationship history and life story, it's important to keep in mind that having a strong relationship means that you and your partner openly share with one another and get to know each other on a deeper level. However, if they choose to keep you completely in the dark about key details of their past, this can be a sign that they are emotionally cut off since they're refusing to let you know more about their life. When a person chooses to be a closed book, it's a major warning sign.

Further, if they don't open up and you find out they've never been in a serious or committed relationship, take that as a warning sign. This combination could indicate that they're scared of intimacy, notes licensed couples therapist Brooke Sprowl.

04 of 08

They Often Resort to Sarcasm

Have you noticed that they brush everything off with a joke or sarcastic comment? Rather than expressing anger, fear, sadness, or disappointment, an emotionally unavailable person turns things into a joke in order to avoid dealing with raw emotions and to remain strong and unfazed in your eyes. "Making a joke or telling a partner not to feel emotional about a topic is a common mechanism for the emotionally unavailable to try to control the discussion," says Sherry Gaba, licensed psychotherapist.

For instance, even if your partner is upset and hurt that they were passed over for a promotion, they'll somehow turn it into a joke and laugh it off in front of you so as to not actually have to process, deal with, and talk about what they're really feeling inside. When they use sarcasm as a defense mechanism and resort to laughter over honesty, it's clear that they are cutting themselves off emotionally from you. 

05 of 08

They Are Slow to Commit to You

An emotionally unavailable person is typically not willing or able to truly commit to you and be loyal to you. This type of person will often want to keep things casual and undefined so as to not deal with any of the emotional components that go into a long-term relationship. People who are emotionally unavailable will often jump from fling to fling because they don't have to fully invest more than what they're willing to or comfortable with. If you'd like to take your relationship with a person to the next level but they want to remain unattached, friends with benefits, or keep options open, this can be a clear sign that they are emotionally unavailable. 

Communicate with your partner to find out how they feel. Efficient communication will help you avoid wasting your time on someone who doesn't want the same things as you do.

06 of 08

You Can Never Reach Them

If a person is emotionally unavailable, they'll likely put physical distance between you as well. If they ghost you and then reappear again out of the blue, take forever to respond to texts, or put long gaps in between dates, they might be emotionally unavailable.

07 of 08

They Choose Physical Intimacy Over Emotional Intimacy

It's also quite common for this type of person to want to be physical with you before an emotional connection has been established. "Beware of sexual cues given too early," says marriage and family therapist Darlene Lancer.

Emotionally unavailable partners often choose physical intimacy over emotional intimacy so as to not have to deal with the messiness, seriousness, or complications that emotions can bring into a relationship. If they tend to transition into being physical with you amidst potentially deep, emotional, and personal conversations, it's a sign that they are the type of person who's emotionally detached. 

08 of 08

They Never Make an Effort

We all want our partners to do more, but a person who never makes an effort is a red flag. "They anticipate being let down, so they don’t make the effort," says marriage therapist Marni Feuerman. If you notice you're always the one planning dates and following up after a date, you might be dating someone emotionally unavailable.

Here's What Women Want in a Man, According to Experts

Why do we choose emotionally unavailable partners

263 805

Man and woman

Attachment is like a big panic button in the brain. When life runs its course, there is no need for it. We make Easter cakes, collect bouquets of leaves, play catch-up. Or we meet with friends, make plans, go to work and enjoy every day.

But then something bad happens: we fall and break our knee. The school bully pushes us and we drop our lunch on the floor. The boss is threatening to fire you. These negative experiences generate worry and anxiety, and anxiety in turn activates our emergency button.

And she sends out a signal to seek proximity. We find those relationships that support us - or rather, what we think of ourselves. And this is the paradox: attachment, without which we would hardly have survived in childhood, begins to play a cruel joke with us. If we evaluate ourselves negatively, then we find comfort in relationships with those who evaluate us in the same way.

Three Relationship Strategies

The affection we felt for our mother in childhood dictates one of three relationship strategies.

1.

Healthy strategy (secure attachment)

According to psychologists, no more than 50% use this strategy. Such people easily converge and communicate with others. They do not feel uncomfortable when someone depends on them, and they themselves are not afraid of losing their freedom. They perceive others and themselves positively. If something does not suit a partner in a relationship, they are always ready for a dialogue.

2.

Manipulative strategy (anxious attachment)

These people are looking for maximum intimacy in a relationship. Their ideal is complete fusion. They often worry that their partner does not love them enough, they are afraid to be alone.

People of this type underestimate themselves and put others on a pedestal, do everything to justify the expectations of people significant to them. Unusually affectionate, constantly looking for external confirmation of their own value, because they themselves do not feel it.

3.

Leave me alone! (avoidant type)

They feel uncomfortable in close relationships, do not like to depend on others and prefer not to be dependent on them either. Having learned from their own experience that intimacy brings only suffering, they strive for independence and self-sufficiency.

Such people perceive themselves super positively, and others negatively. They tend to use the insecurities of overly affectionate people to further strengthen their superiority.

Who chooses whom and why

If you carefully study these three strategies - as we once read the condition of the problem in school - it will become clear that all our further meetings and sufferings are already “set” in them.

People with the last two types of attachment are drawn to each other, although it is clear that their relationship is destined to be destructive. More importantly, they will reject a partner until he changes his positive attitude towards them to what they expect from him.

And what about people with the first type of attachment? They are looking for people with the same healthy, secure type of attachment.

It would seem, why can't the second or third type meet the first? Such meetings take place, but such people do not experience mutual attraction, interest that can keep them together.

What to do? First of all, understand what type of attachment you have. This is the key to finding and keeping relationships if you haven't been able to in the past. If you continue to date “the wrong ones”, the main reason is still in you.

So why do we fall in love with emotionally unavailable partners?

1.

Emotionally unavailable people dominate the “dating market”

looking for his mate.

People with a secure type of attachment do not embark on a series of long meetings and searches. Feeling that very "chemistry", they decide that the partner suits them, and tune in to a long-term relationship. That's why they are the hardest to find - they rarely enter the dating market, and when they leave, they stay on it for a short time and immediately "settle" in a new relationship.

In addition, emotionally unavailable people almost never meet the same as themselves: none of them has a desire to emotionally invest in relationships.

If you put all the pieces of the puzzle together, it turns out that the probability of meeting an emotionally unavailable partner is very high. However, they do not form relationships with each other because they need space and independence, they do not meet people with a healthy secure attachment, because such people do not stay in the market for a long time - so who do they attract? Alas, partners with an anxious type of attachment who crave extreme intimacy.

2.

We find them very attractive.

We often don't realize that the partners we're obsessed with are the ones who can only increase our deep self-doubt. It is our notions of love that attract special partners to us.

At the early stage of a relationship, an "independent", emotionally unavailable partner sends mixed signals: calls, but not always, does not hide his sympathy, but at the same time makes it clear that he is still in search.

Emotionally available partners don't play inaccessibility. In their world, there are simply no mysterious omissions

This tactic is quite advantageous: by receiving a vague conflicting message, the “needy” partner with an anxious type of attachment becomes obsessed with the relationship. Friends, hobbies, interests and careers fade into the background.

3.

We lack “fire” in emotionally accessible partners

Let's imagine that we are lucky and we met a person whose childhood was simple and calm, and whose view of the world is just as simple and open. Will we realize that we have won the lottery, or will we decide that something is missing in our relationship with such a person?

Emotionally accessible partners don't play impregnable or, on the contrary, don't throw everything at our feet in order to conquer us. In their world, there are simply no mysterious omissions and suspense, agonizing waiting.

We are calm next to such a person, and we do not believe that he is the only one, because “nothing is happening”, because our emotions are not inflated, which means that we are bored. And because of this, we pass by truly wonderful people.

Ups and downs, doubts and elations, and constant expectation in relationships with emotionally unavailable people should not be mistaken for passion or love. It looks very similar, but believe me, it's not her. Don't let them captivate you. And, no matter how difficult it is, work to understand the mechanisms of attraction that are laid in us by our childhood. Believe me, it's possible. And emotionally healthy relationships can bring much more happiness.

Kyle Benson is a family psychologist and counselor.

Text: Maria Malygina Photo Source: Getty Images

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Emotionally cold man - Passion

Hardly anyone will argue that we women are more emotional than men. Emotions are food for our heart, which, when fed, can give love to everyone around. But what if your man doesn't give you the amount of emotion you need? What if all your attempts to share experiences with him are broken against the indestructible wall of his coldness and invulnerability? Or maybe he just doesn't care about you?

Passion.ru deconstructs the nature of emotional coldness in order to help you move from an ice age relationship to a period of global warming.

Causes of men's emotional coldness

1. Women's upbringing

Women's upbringing does not always make a "mama's boy" out of a boy, sometimes the effect is the opposite. In order not to acquire this glorious nickname, the boy begins to furiously develop his strength and masculinity. Common clichés like “boys don’t cry” and “be a man” are very supportive of his undertaking. Therefore, on the front of the fight against possible weakness, emotions and feelings are the first to be repressed, and the boy turns into a stern and gloomy warrior with a “hard upper lip”.

2. Attitude of parents

If the parents did not hug the child, did not tell him (and each other) words of love and affection, did not read bedtime stories, then, most likely, in the future he will repeat the same behavior. If bedtime stories are not a subject for frustration, then you will need to get used to the lack of compliments and words of love. It is not a fact that he does not notice your dazzling beauty - perhaps he simply does not know how to give compliments, and even more so does not know that you need it. He may also not show his emotions due to shyness.

3. A difficult past

Deception, betrayal (especially for women), difficult living conditions instill two types of logic in a man: “I opened my heart - they hurt me, the conclusion is: don’t open your heart” or “You can’t trust anyone, otherwise they can stab in the back." And only with time does a man dilute these categorical formulations with sensual parameters that allow him to create harmonious relationships with the opposite sex.

4. Male nature

Playing his male role, a real man chases mammoths all his life, and this does not at all encourage emotional openness. It is hard to imagine that without killing a mammoth and leaving his family hungry, a man will share his feelings about this. Rather, he will think about how to bring home at least a wild goose tomorrow.

In addition, Canadian scientists conducted an experiment to study the area of ​​the brain responsible for emotions. As a result, it turned out that a strictly defined area is responsible for emotions in men, while in women it is distributed between the right and left hemispheres. That is, a man physiologically cannot simultaneously discuss a solution to a problem and show emotions towards it.

For example, after returning from work, we, suffocating from injustice, share our experiences with the chosen one. And, as a rule, it’s enough for us that he listens and agrees that everything around is against us, but we can handle it. However, the brain of a man at this time is busy looking for a solution to our problem and emotional sympathy is not yet included in his plans.

Perhaps this is still indifference?

It is often difficult to determine the line between emotional stinginess and indifference, because the external manifestations are the same. In addition, finding a million excuses for your chosen one because of the boundless desire for love, you begin to see the real essence of the relationship only after you part and cool off a little towards him.

Still, there is one unmistakable way to distinguish between indifference and coldness, but it will require you to be open-minded and even look from the outside. The calling card of any man is his actions. Soberly evaluate what the man has done for you and your relationship. If, apart from promises (certainly convincing) and unsuccessful attempts (“of course, he tried his best, but the circumstances ...”) you couldn’t remember anything, then most likely, “pills” against emotional coldness will not help him.

Look into yourself

However, it may also happen that your chosen one has the usual emotionality and openness, and still cannot fulfill your hypertrophied need for emotions - he is simply unable to meet your overestimated requirements. In this case, you can always look for a solution to the problem in yourself, and this is often easier than changing another person.

How to recognize an emotionally cold man

Despite the fact that such men do not have a running line on their foreheads (which is a pity), it is still possible to determine whether we are dealing with a cold man.

The emotionally cold type usually engages in intense physical exercise to make his body flawless. He is easy to communicate, according to his manners, you can easily write a book on etiquette, according to erudition - it is just right for him to participate in “What? Where? When?". And all this because he is very demanding of himself and prone to perfectionism.

Often emotionally cold men are the most attractive to us. It's no secret that there are no random people in our lives, and we attract into our lives someone who really suits us.

Psychologist Irina Anatolyevna Livanova believes that women with an overdeveloped need to give themselves attract emotionally cold men. Such women are ready to sacrifice themselves in a relationship. That is, to restore harmony in the relationship, their man will consume a lot without giving anything in return. Such a situation, Irina Anatolyevna believes, will not be able to exist for a long time, since for a woman such a relationship is a rapid emotional exhaustion.

Based on this, it would be logical to assume that a woman who attracts such men should, first of all, work on her self-assessment. This will allow her not only to give, but also to receive love with dignity.

Emotionally cold men enter into relationships, but prefer to keep their distance, not revealing their feelings, so as not to become a "target" in the relationship. Sometimes they even avoid tactile contact. They do not speak words of love, they rarely make compliments, they do not ask for forgiveness, because they are always right. If a man, by all conceivable and unthinkable means, avoids difficult conversations, does not notice problems in relationships , you have an emotionally cold type.

Such a man will never admit this shortcoming , often he simply does not see it. And your persistent requests to be warmer and more cordial, most likely, will be sent to the "female tantrums" section.

Often the most ordinary egoism is hidden under emotional coldness. It is very convenient for a man that he is considered emotionally cold and they try to awaken in him a desire to express feelings, because in this way he can receive an unlimited amount of love, while doing nothing for the relationship. Such behavior is unnatural for men, since it is a male prerogative to seek the attention and feelings of a woman.

However, if his coldness is not connected with selfishness, then you may be lucky that with outward emotional coldness, he will be a man of his word and deed.

Can you be close to such a man?

You should ask yourself this question, because you will need to strengthen and nurture confidence in his feelings on your own, because you can’t wait for regular support from a man: compliments, words of love, special signs of attention - all this is absent in his “asset”. Therefore, a relationship with an emotionally cold man more than ever needs an endless supply of patience, very strong love for your chosen one and the ability to understand his love language without words (his words!).

All this is not easy, so it is better to make the decision “to be or not to be” once and for all - either to be and endure to the end, or not to be at all.

If you still decide to link your fate with such a man, Passion.ru is happy to help you with the issue.

How to live with an emotionally cold man

How to deal with an emotionally cold man

1. Love as you are

Of course, this is a universal remedy for good relations with all people on the planet. But the emotionally cold man of your love needs more: to warm his heart, you first need to get to him through the ice. And remember that ice melts only if it is drowned, and if it is beaten, it will only crumble into many small pieces, leaving cuts and cold. Therefore, long conversations and reproaches of coldness are unlikely to lead to something good.

Tell him more often that you love him like that, that he is good for you, in spite of everything, do not demand anything in return. And then he will relax, exhale and, perhaps, his body armor will fall off his body, which has ceased to be tense. By doing this, you will earn his trust, and this will reduce the emotional distance between you.

There are women who love to take “bribes” from a man for their good attitude: “you give me, I give you” and that's all. In the case of an emotionally cold man, this behavior will not work. Instead, it’s better to think purely mathematically: if you want more love in your relationship, then reducing it with your behavior is extremely illogical. So you only voluntarily sign an agreement on the indefinite extension of the ice age in your relationship and personally add one to the statistics of unsuccessful relationships.

2. Show an example

If the expression of emotions and female psychology are about the same for him as programming space technology is for you, then you just have to show him how to act, and not wait for his moment enlightenment. He is unlikely to learn to guess your thoughts in this life.

After listening to dry advice from him after a dramatic story in 3 acts called “The world is against me today”, tell him that now you need to hug, kiss and feel sorry. Explain to him that after the words “I miss you”, you need to say the same thing, adding “beloved” to this. Gradually, his vocabulary will expand, and perhaps he will begin to use it without your help.

3. Pay attention to positive changes in his behavior

Arm yourself with a magnifying glass and carefully observe how he responds to your love and patience. Did he hug you more often? Say how much you like it! Pleasant feedback will inspire a man to do it again and again.

4. Realize and simply accept his masculine nature

Perhaps you yourself want more than an ordinary man can give? Think about what is more valuable - the stars from the sky for breakfast or a strong family in which a man invests everything he can?

Maybe you should find an alternative, non-relationship place where you can receive emotions? There are a lot of great options: get a pet, start growing flowers, do yoga , devote at least an hour to your favorite pastime.

5. Consult a psychotherapist

Your skeptical smile is already visible through the monitor! And this is quite understandable. But if you have such an opportunity, then why not use it. Going to a psychologist is a normal and shameless practice, the same as going to a plumber with a leaking pipe. And we understand that it is difficult for men to explain this. But psychologists say that the tangles of a man's past experiences that led to coldness can sometimes only be sorted out by a psychotherapist.

Relationship with an emotionally cold man

More than one generation of women has proven that you can live with any man, even sometimes you can achieve happiness for yourself. By cultivating your patience, the ability to forgive and accept him as he is, you risk being canonized during your lifetime. However, is the game worth the candle?

If you ever decide to have children, then along with your beautiful eyes and his reliability, his coldness can also be transmitted to the child. Transmitted, of course, not by genes, but by upbringing, but this will not change the essence of the matter.

In addition, you will have to "work for two" and replenishing the emotional supply of your couple threatens with emotional burnout, only if you suddenly did not purchase a perpetual motion machine somewhere on sale. After all, emotional stinginess is a serious problem that often calls into question the relationship itself. However, if you are sure that your love is mutual and comes disinterestedly from the heart, then you always have a chance to fix everything.

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