Single mom burnout

• I started to delegate as much as possible. This is true in both my personal life and my business. So, I hired a VA to take over the technical and menial tasks so that I can work on being creative. In my personal life, it means leaning on others who can help clean and cook. Sometimes, it can feel like a stretch financially, but freeing yourself up makes you better able to spend time on the important things. 

• I stopped debating whether I could afford self-care. Again, this is one of my biggest pieces of advice I give to my clients. Pick something and don’t let yourself debate whether you can afford it (mentally, emotionally, financially).  Just schedule it and do it without guilt or questioning. 

• I exercise every day even if it means a short 20 minute walk. 

• I eat 1-2 meals a day instead of endlessly snacking or missing meals all together. While I do love intermittent fasting, I need to be more disciplined and carve out time for real meals.  

• I need to make time to connect regularly with friends IRL or on the phone. For me, standing dates are the best so that I can save time not trying to schedule and plan. So, for example, Saturday night date with girlfriends, or Thursday morning coffee chat with a friend. 

• I commit to a bedtime no later than 10:30 and not work at night at least 3 days a week. This can even mean going to bed with my child at 8pm one night a week. 

• I practice what I preach by embracing self-compassion. I let myself be burnt out and honored that I needed a rest and reset, rather than fighting with myself, feeling guilty, and breathing myself up. This is something I teach others and am getting a chance to embrace again. 

• I set more boundaries about how much I can give to others. Instead of endlessly giving to my dad or my son. I asked for a list of things my dad wanted and told him I would get to them in time, rather than dropping everything each time he asked for something. I’ve instituted quiet time for my son, during which he needs to entertain himself and give me space. 

So, that’s where I’m at. Now that my son is back in school (YAY!!!!!), I finally feel like I can jump back in. My system is reset, and I’m ready to go. But I have a constant reminder to find balance. 

Let me know how you are doing? How are you surviving the ups and downs of trying? Or the grind of raising kids alone? Have you ever felt like you can’t get off the couch?

How to save yourself from burnout for single working parents

Editorial. You can read this article and other materials published in the rubric "20-21: Lessons for Fortitude" for free.

Alison Griffin, senior vice president of social value consulting firm Whiteboard Advisors and single mother of two sons, knows exactly when she reached her breaking point during the pandemic and felt burned out.

Griffin understood that her company was determined to support parents and single parents like her: management welcomed the flexible approach. Griffin worked remotely from Colorado for years for a Washington-based company. During the pandemic, she was additionally paid for child care. The company also bears 100% of the medical expenses of its employees. But even with such support, the pandemic, quarantine and the closure of schools and kindergartens have made a difficult situation for single parents almost hopeless.

For months, Griffin, like many other parents of young children during the COVID-19 pandemic, got up at 5 a. m. and immersed herself in her East Coast work schedule. She cooked breakfast for the kids during teleconferences by placing her laptop on the kitchen table and putting on her headphones. She worked non-stop until about five or six o'clock in the evening - and at the same time tried to follow the children's online lessons as much as possible. She then looked in the fridge for something to eat for dinner and made hot cheese sandwiches most of the time as she didn't have time to buy groceries. Then, after putting the kids to bed, she returned to the email that threatened to fill her inbox, and only then remembered that she did not go to the post office, did not buy medicine and milk for breakfast cereal, and is too exhausted to do anything about it. to do.

Unlike those who raise children in a couple, Griffin had to cope with everything on her own.

Women, regardless of their marital status, bear the brunt of childcare and online education during the pandemic. This is partly why 2. 3 million women were forced to leave their jobs. The single mother Griffin did not have such an opportunity. She felt like she could barely manage on her own. The pandemic cut her off from her “support group” of friends, neighbors, relatives, kindergarten, nannies, acquaintances, school, school extracurriculars, and even her ex-husband, whom she, like many other single mothers, enlisted in day-to-day care. The stress built up for months, until one day, on her way home from a board meeting, she was caught in a wildfire traffic jam that turned into an eight-hour nightmare. The cup overflowed. She called a friend and burst into tears: "I need to be given a break."

Griffin is not alone. While the COVID-19 pandemic has exacerbated the situation, that is not the point. Long before the pandemic, U.S. parents (regardless of marital status) had some of the highest burnout rates in the world—with severe exhaustion, negativity, and a sense of futility in trying to cope with family responsibilities. They were also already suffering from an epidemic of professional burnout, with the same signs of exhaustion, frustration, and inefficiency. A 2018 Gallup survey found that two-thirds of full-time workers experienced burnout. COVID-19 pandemic, lasting for more than a year, only exacerbated this problem, especially for mothers. A recent study found that 9.8 million working mothers—nearly 30% more than working fathers—feel burnt out at work, more often among Black, Asian, and Hispanic women.

Single parents experience the most stress. "There is no greater stress," according to a new study on single mothers during the pandemic by Roseanne Hertz, a sociologist at Wellesley College. In her analysis, women living alone with children were more likely than mothers in multi-adult families to report that their work productivity had been reduced by childcare (from 57% to 47%). One participant, whose words reflect the opinions of others, said: “Children are the most important thing for me, but it was also necessary not to lose productivity at work. ”

“The pandemic has shown and reinforced how we felt before it even started,” says Paula Davis, author of Beating Burnout at Work and a single mother. Burnout can happen when you have too many job responsibilities and too few resources. Single parents have more responsibilities and potentially fewer resources. And definitely less time.

Single parents, who are the least able to afford burnout, have the hardest time.

Dr. Stephanie Lee, Senior Director of the Child Mind Institute, notes the prevalence of burnout in the communities she works with, especially among single parents. “Single parents are especially at risk due to isolation, as they need to do a lot of things every day, and there is absolutely no one to help them,” she says. The lockdown has proved especially difficult for Matthew Burke, a Philadelphia school psychologist and single father of two sons, when he lost his job and was left alone with the kids for much of the past year. “It's too much, it's really hard,” he says. “No one loves their sons more than I do. But I miss my other roles, besides the role of the father.

Paula Davies, who currently chairs the Institute for Stress and Resilience and works with organizations to prevent burnout, believes that the causes of the problem lie in work systems and culture—for example, high workloads with understaffing, lack of autonomy, recognition and support, and (especially during a pandemic) lack of childcare assistance, which requires a comprehensive strategy. Yes, there needs to be more organizational and policy support for single working parents, but Davis says there are some steps you can take on your own to increase your own efficiency and at least alleviate some of the stress and pain of burnout.

Look at the big picture

Those who understand that burnout is not an individual problem or a personal failure that requires an individual solution are less likely to experience feelings of guilt or shame. Even social psychologist Christina Maslach, who developed the Burnout Inventory, recently wrote that the point of compiling this list was to push employers to “create a healthier workplace environment. ” But this proved problematic, especially in the US, where a culture of overwork dominated long before the pandemic. So Davis suggests managing burnout by checking yourself against a list of symptoms so you have a clear idea of ​​which tasks or situations are energizing and which are draining you. In each case, ask yourself: “Does this give me strength? Am I learning something? Am I continuing to grow and develop? The idea, says Davis, is to seek out and remember positive experiences and information that can protect you from burnout and increase your resilience.

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"You're a mother, pull yourself together"! Why Mother Burnout Is Really Serious

Psychology

Tatyana Ilyina, a psychologist at the Quality of Life center, who studies the phenomenon of emotional burnout in mothers and herself faced with this problem, tells why it is really difficult to be a modern mother and whether it is possible to help oneself.

“Motherhood is happiness!” - 3 years ago I repeated this phrase like a mantra, calming my crying daughter for hours at night. She was healthy, everything was in order, she just did not sleep. And I didn't sleep. It seemed that the devastating feeling of fatigue would never go away. It was comforting that I was not alone in my feelings.

Playgrounds turned out to be an excellent space for normalizing emotions. Almost all mothers spoke about very similar feelings: about the lack of sleep, about being tired from seemingly easy, but such monotonous housework. And also - about confusion in front of a flurry of information about everything in the world: about vaccinations, complementary foods, goods for the child, about "razvitashki", about clothes and shoes, about education.

Noticing that most mothers experience similar feelings, I began to study the topic in more detail. Diagnosis: emotional burnout - that's what I came to the conclusion. What it is? Why hadn't this been heard before? Let's figure it out.

Emotional burnout is a state of extreme exhaustion that persists for a long time. If a person's activity is closely related to contacts with other people, requires constant emotional involvement and leaves no opportunity for regular quality rest, he is at risk for the development of burnout syndrome.

In the latest edition of the International Classification of Diseases (ICD-11), "burnout" is officially recognized as a disease. It also says in this document that the term can only be used in a professional environment. That is, according to this document, it is possible to burn out only at work. It turns out that a non-working woman who is on parental leave cannot burn out? Maybe. Mom is tired. Mom burns with the happiness of motherhood and burns out from fatigue, from lack of sleep, from high responsibility, from monotony, from an abundance of information. Being a mom is the most important job in the world that takes all your strength, and the reward for it is to see how children grow up.

Motherhood as a profession: what is important to know

Today, being a mother is not just giving birth (adopting) a child. The task of a modern mother is not limited to ensuring the survival of the child until the moment of gaining independence. It was normal for the generation of our great-grandmothers to have 11 children and be glad that 8 of them survived. The upbringing of children some one and a half centuries ago was reduced mainly to involving children in the activities of the whole family. A modern young mother is so immersed in a new role that her whole way of life changes: her daily routine, social contacts, and the content of her activities.

40 out of 50 mothers I interviewed at regular playgrounds in St. Petersburg stopped working after having a baby. Their main occupation at the time of the survey was motherhood. Yes, they do not work in the traditional sense of the word. But they all chuckle bitterly when someone reminds them that they are actually on maternity leave.

“Earlier they gave birth in the field”, “in the old days and 10 children each did not complain”, “earlier they washed with their hands, and cooked in the oven, and maintained a garden - and nothing that makes you tired there”, “ you are young and strong, you have a normal healthy child – what are you complaining about?” - this is only a small part of the offensive phrases that depreciate the feelings of the mother. Unfortunately, from just a reminder of how hard life was for past generations and how lucky the current one is, mom’s feeling of fatigue does not disappear. Fatigue remains, and feelings of guilt and inferiority are added to it. The increase in the level of emotional burnout of the mother has a number of reasons.

Society has become more child-centric

The modern model of motherhood is different in that being a mother means devoting one's activities to caring for a child every day and without interruption. Never before has so much attention been paid to the topic of childhood. Mom is expected to know everything about the child in the world, to carefully think through everything to the smallest detail (starting with a pacifier and ending with treatment methods and approaches to education). Now you won’t be able to raise a child the way mom tells you: it’s important to have your own opinion about all aspects of parenting. It is very easy to get confused in the flow of information and difficult to find landmarks. Mom gets tired because every day she has to make decisions on dozens of various issues.

Personal crisis due to the narrowing of the social role

In the pre-Soviet era, the entire life path of a woman was reduced to a successful marriage and the birth of children. A modern woman is a full member of society. Yes, gender stereotypes persist, but no one will forbid a woman to study, will not limit her in her search for ways of self-realization. By the time of the onset of motherhood, she already has an idea of ​​the variety of options for a life scenario. Once in the role of a mother (when every hour of every day is devoted to caring for a child!) A woman often compares herself to childless acquaintances who develop careers, make new acquaintances, learn new things and go to the movies with friends. From such comparisons against the background of objective physical fatigue, a personality crisis can develop: “Is this exactly what I wanted?”

Daily stress and uncertainty

Raising a child is a constant state of uncertainty. You never know what little thing will become a source of tears for the baby. You can plan tomorrow to the smallest detail, and when it comes, you can detect the child's temperature. While the child is still very young, it is not easy for many to even predict the time and duration of their own sleep, because it depends on the baby, who can give his mother a sleepless night. Stressful situations in motherhood are inevitable. The question is how to deal with them. What will you do if things don't go according to plan? How will you react if the child does something? What if your favorite things are ruined? If after a sleepless night comes a day full of whims? Mom's behavior in a stressful situation determines the likelihood of emotional burnout.

Ambiguous distribution of responsibilities in the family

The generation of current parents saw how responsibility was distributed in their family: mother keeps order, cooks, takes care of children. And dad is very tired at work, so he mostly rests at home. Mom, of course, also works, but she is also a mother, so she does not get tired. The distribution of responsibilities in the family was not always so categorical, but with children's eyes it was seen that way. Having matured, we form our attitude to this distribution. Someone has reconciled and broadcasts it in his family. Someone has found a way to be more flexible. And for some, these stereotypes cause a sharp rejection. Those mothers who categorically disagree with the traditional distribution of responsibilities in the family, but do not know how to fix it, burn out much more strongly.

Lack of help from loved ones

Being in contact with another person 24/7 and in a confined space is a serious test. Even if this other is the most beloved and long-awaited, a person needs the opportunity to be alone with himself. But if the mother has no one to transfer care of the child, this opportunity is lost. And the longer the contact lasts between breaks, the more exhausting it becomes for mom. In any job there are days off and holidays. They are not in the mother's profession, so the help of loved ones (or lack of it) is of particular importance.

Lack of personal time

We asked mothers: “Do you currently have a permanent occupation that is not related to taking care of children (hobbies, studies, work, sports)”. 55% of the surveyed mothers with a high level of emotional burnout answered negatively. They do not find time for hobbies, sports, study or work. This situation deprives a woman of a sense of integrity, makes her yearn even more for the opportunity to do what she was interested in before.

What to do?

First of all, restore the resource. While the mother is objectively physically exhausted, it is difficult to talk about awareness and deeper changes in the family way of life.

Mothers of toddlers are usually the most vulnerable to lack of sleep and physical fatigue. At this age, the sleep pattern is still being established in children, the child wakes up at night and can be capricious during the day, not being able to explain in words what worries him. But mother's sleep is a guarantee of her well-being and mood, without them it is very difficult to take good care of a child.

Find the causes of your child's poor sleep and try to eliminate them

• make sure that the baby is in good health. If the cause of the child's concern is feeling unwell, consult a pediatrician on how to alleviate the child's condition;
• check sleep conditions. No matter what they write in books, each child is individual. It is more comfortable for one to sleep in his crib in a cool place and move freely in his sleep. Another is constantly freezing and wakes himself with his hands. Any recommendations of specialists should be correlated with how your baby feels and try to provide comfortable sleeping conditions for him;
• try to reconsider the feeding regimen. And again: children are different. One does not sleep well because the stomach is busy digesting dinner. The other, on the contrary, will quickly wake up from hunger. Try shifting the feeding time by 15-30 minutes and see if this affects the quality of sleep;
• bathing does not have to be in the evening. Some children get overexcited from water procedures and then fall asleep badly. Others spend a lot of energy and sleep better after bathing. See what works best for your little one.

Sometimes the cause of restless sleep may not be obvious, but it is definitely there - it is important to find it.

When the child's sleep is established, follow the rule: the child sleeps - the mother also sleeps

Until you get enough sleep. When emotional burnout has already become your reality, it is important to “put on an oxygen mask”: perform a minimum set of the most necessary actions, and rest the rest of the time. Give yourself a break to recuperate. Use all the possibilities: put off non-urgent matters for later, delegate what can be delegated, ask for help from your husband, girlfriends, relatives. If you have the financial ability, introduce the services of assistants into your life: cleaning, babysitting, delivery of ready-made food or groceries. Having restored the resource, you can always return to your life those things that you want.

Consider rethinking your daily routine

To get out of power saver mode smoothly, do it gradually. Make a list of tasks that you face every day. Select from the list the ones you need to complete. Spread them out over time. Make sure your to-do list is doable, realistic, and meaningful.

Gradually add to your list activities that make you happy. Include exercises with your baby in your schedule if you can’t break out to the gym. Don't skip meals - have breakfast, lunch and dinner at appropriate times to avoid eating disorders. When your sleep deficit is replenished, use your baby's sleep time for activities that are to your liking. Don't waste your child's sleep on cleaning and cooking if that doesn't make you happy. It is better to devote it to your hobby, and try to do household chores with your awake child.

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