How to stop abusive behavior

Help for Abusive Behaviors | The National Domestic Violence Hotline

Everyone has the capacity to change, but doing so requires meaningful commitment to all aspects of change. Unfortunately, most people with abusive behaviors are unwilling to. Many of the factors behind abusive behaviors are learned attitudes and feelings of entitlement, which can be difficult to unlearn. Everyone deserves a healthy relationship free from abuse, including someone that may have abusive behaviors.

Reaching out for help is a great first step but ultimately it’s just that: a first step.

Actually changing your abusive behavior is what’s important.

Learn more about opportunities for people with abusive behaviors to get help changing their behaviors. Our advocates are available 24/7 to discuss your situation, answer any questions, and help you identify intervention programs near you.

Identifying your own abusive behavior

Abusive behaviors can be difficult to recognize if you’re the one doing them.

Most people don’t like to acknowledge that they’re harming others, but admitting that you may be hurting your partner is a prerequisite to changing your ways.

Ask yourself if you:

Get angry, insecure, or possessive about your partner’s relationships with others, including friends, family, or coworkers.
Frequently call or text your partner to check up on them (or make them or expect them to check in with you), or monitor their movements or behaviors.
Feel like your partner needs your permission to go out, get a job, go to school, or spend time with others.
Get upset when your partner won’t act the way you want them to or do the things you want.
Blame your anger or actions on drugs, alcohol, or your partner’s own actions.
Express your anger by threatening to harm (or actually harming) your partner.
Express your anger by raising your voice, name calling, or insults.
Prevent your partner from spending money, control your partner’s spending, require that they have an allowance and/or monitor their spending.
Force (or try to force) your partner to be intimate with you, or get angry or upset if they do not want to.
Get angry over small incidents or “mistakes” you blame your partner for.

Other signs that your behavior is abusive may be observed in your partner’s reactions to you.

Ask yourself if they:

Seem nervous around you.
Seem afraid of you.
Flinch, cringe, or retreat when you’re emotional.
Cry because of something you prevented them from doing, or from something you made them do.
Seem scared, or unable to contradict you or speak up around you.
Restrict their own interactions with friends, family, coworkers, or others in order to avoid upsetting you.

If you recognize these behaviors in yourself or how your partner reacts, it could be a sign that you’re hurting them. This can be a difficult realization to come to but it’s vital that you do so if you want to change and stop harming your partner. By acknowledging that your actions are harmful and taking responsibility for them, you can continue to progress on the path toward correcting them.

Signs of progress

Ultimately, the decision as to whether your actions are harmful to others isn’t yours to make, and you can’t meaningfully change while harboring expectations of forgiveness.

Progress in changing abusive behavior requires an ongoing commitment to sustained change and a willingness to accept responsibility for your actions.

These signs could indicate progress in your recovery:

Listening to the issues and concerns your partner has without becoming defensive or minimizing/denying their concerns or shifting the blame to them
Admitting fully to what you’ve done
Stopping excuses and blaming
Making amends with those you’ve harmed
Recognizing that abuse is a choice and accepting responsibility for that choice
Identifying patterns of your own controlling behavior
Identifying the attitudes or trauma driving your behavior (work to address those areas)
Accepting that change is a life-long commitment process and not declaring yourself “cured”
Not expecting or demanding credit for progress in your behavior (not keeping a tally)
Not treating improvements to your overall behavior as an excuse for occasional acts of abuse
Developing respectful, kind, supportive behaviors
Carrying your share of responsibility and sharing power
Changing how you respond to a partner’s anger or grievances
Changing your responses in heated conflicts
Accepting the consequences of your actions, including not feeling sorry for yourself about those consequences or blaming others for them
Accepting if your partner chooses to discontinue the relationship or is needing space from the relationship

Remember: change is possible but it won’t come easily. Acknowledging that your behaviors are unhealthy or abusive is a great first step. It’s never too late to seek help.

Getting help to change your behavior

Some people who contact us identify as having abusive behaviors or are concerned about behaviors that might be unhealthy.

At The Hotline, we treat all contacts with dignity and respect, and are committed to supporting anyone who wants to take responsibility for their actions.

Every call from someone who’s becoming more aware of their unhealthy behavior is an opportunity to work toward their change, for their sake and the sake of the people they harm.

Here’s what to expect when contacting The Hotline for help changing your abusive behavior:

No matter the situation, our advocates will remain empathetic and supportive of your desire to change.
Depending on your circumstances, our advocates will discuss different courses of action. If you begin to identify unhealthy behaviors in your relationship, they’ll discuss these warning signs and brainstorm healthy alternatives for the behavior. While you can’t always change the way you feel, you can always change how you express those feelings to your partner.
Advocates will guide you through strategies for calming down and de-escalating situations, emphasizing the ways in which your actions affect yourself and those around you.
We may be able to help you identify Battering Intervention and Prevention Programs (BIPP). We receive many contacts to The Hotline about BIPPs, but not all contacts are the same: some are looking for a referral because of a court order while others seek out the information on their own accord. Our advocates are available to discuss your situation in either case.

All contacts made to The Hotline are always free, confidential, and free of judgement. If you’re looking for someone to talk to about your situation, our advocates can help you begin to address what’s going on in your relationship.

To learn more:

Why Do People Abuse | The National Domestic Violence Hotline

Domestic violence stems from a desire to gain and maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Abusive people believe they have the right to control and restrict their partner’s lives, often either because they believe their own feelings and needs should be the priority in the relationship, or because they enjoy exerting the power that such abuse gives them.

Tactics of abuse (in any form) may be aimed at dismantling equality in the relationship in order to make their partners feel less valuable and undeserving of respect.

Remember that everyone deserves to have a healthy, loving, and respectful relationship—no matter what.

Abuse is a learned behavior. Some people witness it in their own families growing up; others learn it slowly from friends, popular culture, or structural inequities throughout our society. No matter where they develop such behaviors, those who commit abusive acts make a choice in doing so — they also could choose not to.

There are many people who experience or witness abuse who use their experiences to end the cycle of violence and heal themselves without harming others. While outside factors (including drug or alcohol addiction) can escalate abuse, it’s important to recognize that these issues do not cause domestic abuse themselves.

Who does abuse affect?

Anyone can be abusive and anyone can be the victim of abuse. Abuse happens regardless of gender, age, sexuality, race, economic status, ability, citizenship status, or any other factor or identity. Feelings of confusion, fear, or anger are normal responses to abuse, but they may also make you feel isolated or like no one will understand. Remember that expert advocates from The Hotline are available 24/7 to talk through your situation and help you build a safety plan tailored to your circumstances.

Being abusive is a decision: it’s a strategic behavior by your partner to create their desired power dynamic.

Regardless of the circumstances of your relationship or past, no one ever deserves to be abused and you’re never responsible for your partner’s abusive actions.

Domestic violence can also strain the people who witness, intervene, or simply recognize the tragic realities of relationship abuse. It can be painful and draining — physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially — to watch the people in our lives abuse or be abused. In that regard, we are all impacted by any and all forms of abuse, and it’s on each of us to take steps in our daily interactions to end and prevent future abusive behavior.

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Beyond the physical risks of leaving an abusive relationship, there are countless other reasons why people stay in their relationships. Survivors deserve to be supported in their decision-making and empowered to reclaim control over their own lives—no matter the circumstances.

Control, suppression and aggression: what to do if you are accused of psychological abuse?

How and what can be done to help the perpetrators of violence, said Naira Parsadanyan, head of the psychological service at the Violence.No Center*.

Domestic violence is a serious problem that has existed for centuries in many societies and requires serious work and a comprehensive solution. Many people are aware of the need to help the victims, while often the psychological problems of the aggressors remain unobvious. It is clear that it is difficult to sympathize with those who systematically beat and / or humiliate another person, but now psychologists are increasingly talking about the need to work with the authors of violence.

What is psychological violence

Psychological violence is the suppression of one person by another: control of behavior, lifestyle, pastime, social circle and even perception of the surrounding reality. Such violence can manifest itself in many ways, but is always accompanied by derogatory and offensive behavior towards another person.

It is important not to confuse violence with quarrels and one-time attacks on each other.

Conflicts are normal for any relationship, and their peculiarity is that both people act on equal terms. The hallmarks of psychological violence are the systemic nature and the dominance of one of the parties. The aggressor consciously or unconsciously regularly suppresses the injured party in order to subordinate it to his will. For example, to force him to do what he wants, to stop communicating with those who he does not like.

At one time or another, we all can act ugly, disrespectful, rude towards another person, offend or offend him. However, you can only talk about domestic violence if you systematically suppress another person .

Psychological violence most often comes from a person's self-doubt, desire to feel their own superiority, inability to build comfortable communication and equal relationships based on respect. Sometimes violence is also rooted in rigidly held beliefs about men's and women's behavior patterns, their roles and place in society. The aggressor himself may not notice his behavior and may not be aware of his motives.

How to respond to allegations of violence

Since violence is a repetitive act, not a one-time outburst of anger, not every accusation is true. You should not immediately take all the words personally, nor reject any criticism automatically. Try to understand if the accusations against you are true. To do this, ask yourself: did you want to rein in a person? Are you pleased that you provoked an emotional reaction in him? If so, then there are at least signs of psychological abuse in your behavior, and they are worth paying attention to.

Also consider whether you have experienced similar situations before, whether you have heard similar accusations from other people. If several people have told or are telling you about this, it may be worth considering your behavior. Share the situation with someone you trust and ask them what they think about it. Sometimes you need an outside perspective to understand what is happening to you. If the opinion of your loved one is not enough, consult a psychologist.

If, after doing all this, you come to the conclusion that there is definitely no systematic violence on your part, try to convey this idea to the accuser. Tell about the motives of the actions that offended your interlocutor. Remind him what psychological abuse is and explain the difference between it and your actions. For example, you could not stand the tension of a situation and yelled at a person to get behind you. This is an outburst of anger that you could not control, and not a systematic suppression of the other person. In this case, it is enough to pay attention to your act, apologize for it and try not to repeat this in the future.

If the accusations of psychological abuse are justified, try to do this:

listen to your interlocutor without interrupting or judging what he is saying. Remember that he describes his own picture of the world, in which, from his point of view, you are doing something inappropriate;
specify what exactly you, from his point of view, did wrong: devalued with a joke or remark, insulted, deceived, manipulated. At the same time, just listen, do not argue or justify your behavior. Remember that the focus of the conversation right now is on the other person's feelings;
Only after listening to the person, tell how the situation looks to you and what you really meant. Share your feelings, thoughts and sensations. Explanation enables all participants in the situation to look at it from different angles;
ask for forgiveness if you really offended a person - only sincerely, and not in order to be left behind;
ask how you can compensate for the damage caused to a person. Compensation should be proportionate (you can afford it, it's not against your values) and satisfy all parties. It may be enough to apologize, promise that you will not do it again or that you will see a psychologist, and keep your promise.

How to further work on yourself

If you realized that you have a tendency to violence and you showed it to your loved ones, most likely you will have to work on yourself for a long time and closely control your behavior and communication. But the fact that you have recognized the problem and decided to change is already very important, valuable and worthy of respect .

First of all, take responsibility for what you have already done. Admit your wrong, abusive or violent behavior and make a decision not to behave in this way towards other people. Remember: no one deserves the humiliation of personality and dignity. Then try to change your behavior. Take it for granted: only you are responsible for what you do towards others.

It is impossible to provoke someone to commit violence, such behavior is always a person's own internal choice.

You should understand that these changes and work on yourself are needed first of all by yourself. If you continue to ignore the words of other people and use violence against them, sooner or later it will lead to negative consequences. And you yourself will suffer first of all: you will face a lack of trust and understanding, a rupture of important and valuable ties, leading to isolation and loneliness. As a result, you will not be able to build your life efficiently and fill it with joyful and happy moments.

Ask your loved ones to point out any manifestations of violence on your part, and also monitor yourself and people's reactions to your words and actions. It will be ideal if you also start working on the problem with a psychologist. Overcoming violent tendencies is not an easy task, and professional help may be needed here.

You can learn more about domestic violence and find answers to other questions about it on the portal “ABOUT violence” : here the team of the Violence. No Center* collected all the necessary information, told by experts in an accessible language. The project partners are the largest network of adult stores in Russia, Point of Love, and the independent jewelry brand AVGVST.

You can get free psychological assistance to a victim of violence or its author at the Violence.net* center by calling +7 (495) 916-3000 on weekdays from 10:00 to 18:30.

*recognized as a foreign agent

Thank you for reading to the end!

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How to stop sexual harassment at work

Aphrodity Pina
BBC Capital

November 6, 2017

Author photo, Getty Images

One of the main causes behavior.

The sex scandal around Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein stirred up millions of women around the world.

They began sharing their stories on social media under the hashtag #MeToo, talking about cases of sexual harassment and harassment at work.

Sexual harassment is certainly not a new phenomenon, and those who have explored this topic a little deeper will not be surprised by the scale of the flash mob.

However, society's attitude to the problem, which was once considered taboo or a necessary evil, has now begun to change dramatically.

Image copyright, Getty Images

Image caption,

French MEP Eva Joly holds up a banner reading #MeToo while discussing sexual harassment

Research over the past four decades has consistently shown that sexual harassment is a very common problem for women .

Women are more likely to experience sexual harassment and they also attach more importance to this problem.

Young women are most at risk.

The range of what different people consider sexual harassment is quite wide - from insinuations and offensive gestures to unwanted physical contact, assault or rape.

The most common form of sexual harassment at work is when a manager demands sexual favors from a subordinate in exchange for promotion or threats to retaliate if they refuse.

As follows, for example, from the charges brought against Weinstein.

But in reality, this form of harassment is only a small proportion - from 3 to 16%. And sexual violence and rape in the workplace is even less (from 1% to 6%).

Image copyright, Getty Images

Image caption,

Oscar-winning actor Kevin Spacey says he will undergo treatment after a number of men accused him of sexual harassment

subtext, inappropriate or intrusive date requests, remarks about appearance, and a variety of non-verbal behaviors such as offensive gestures, meaningful looks, or whistling.

Most often, the abuser is not a leader and has the same status in the organization as the victim.

Official figures, however, do not show the true extent of the problem. Verbal harassment, for example, is extremely common, but few recognize it as true sexual harassment.

However, they must be taken into account if we are trying to understand the true level of the problem and how to deal with it.

In addition, words and comments of a sexual nature, although not considered a severe form of harassment, create an unfriendly workplace environment and may have a negative effect on the well-being of the victim of harassment.

Negative effects include depression, anxiety and even PTSD.

Image copyright, Getty Images

Image caption,

Hollywood has been rocked by many women's confessions of having experienced sexual harassment or physical assault from producer Harvey Weinstein

Sexual harassment can harm a victim's professional development, causing them to miss work without a valid reason or turn down career opportunities.

Negative influences can also be felt by those who constantly witness such behavior, even if they are not the object of it.

Psychological research shows that depending on the situation and behavior of the abuser, women can use different methods of protection.

This may include refusing an obscene offer and trying to avoid meeting the aggressor, talking about the problem with friends, relatives or colleagues, as well as a frank conversation with the perpetrator and a formal complaint.

Most often, victims simply try to avoid their offender, although a frank conversation with him would be much more effective, which would dot the i's.

However, due to fear of retaliation or loss of a job, few people resort to such actions, as well as complaining to senior management.

Research also shows that the likelihood of sexual harassment is directly related to company policy and attitudes towards such behavior. An important factor is also how the perpetrator will be punished and how management will respond to such complaints.

In the Weinstein story, it is widely discussed that his behavior was well known in the company (it was a real Hollywood "open secret"), but most employees either turned a blind eye to it or were themselves involved in sexual harassment.

So complaints to management were doomed to failure - that's why there were almost no complaints.

Image copyright, Getty Images

Image caption,

South Korean woman protests in Seoul against gender inequality and sexual harassment in the workplace

Since Weinstein's company was lenient towards sexual harassment, it becomes clear why the victims of harassment remained silent for so long and why they were finally inspired by the courageous confessions of other women.

If the victim himself knows perfectly well when he becomes the object of harassment, other people may not immediately realize the situation and adequately respond to it.

What exactly is considered sexual harassment is also not always clear. Certain behaviors seem acceptable to some, not to others.

A person should feel safe to openly speak out against the behavior of a colleague, which may seem quite harmless to someone.

He should not be afraid to say that a certain joke seems unfunny to him, or that he does not like being put on display or, on the contrary, ignored and asked to do things that he is not obliged to do.

But the main thing is that the employee must feel support and be sure that he will be understood correctly and protected from the possible revenge of a loser boyfriend.

We have an obligation to make workplaces a safe environment that promotes dignity and acceptance. The right to decent working conditions is an inalienable right of everyone.

Sexual harassment in the workplace can be overcome through staff training and independent forensic investigations.

Learn more