Self hate definition

Self-Hatred | Psychology Today

Reviewed by Psychology Today Staff

Self-hatred encompasses continual feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and low self-esteem. People may constantly compare themselves to others, perceive only the negative and ignore the positive, and believe that they will never be "good enough." But every single person has worth and value—and the ability to cultivate self-love.

What Causes Self-Hatred?
How to Develop Self-Worth
Self-Loathing, Depression, and Suicide

What Causes Self-Hatred?

Feelings of self-loathing are deeply painful, but exploring those emotions is the first step toward healing. If you're struggling with hateful thoughts, reflect on what sparked them. Did you make a mistake at work? Did a recent dinner with a friend lead you to feel envious? Identifying these triggers can allow you to diffuse them the next time they arise.

Beyond immediate triggers, the roots of self-hatred can often be traced to environmental circumstances such as hypercritical parenting, or personality traits such as perfectionism. Once feelings of worthlessness take hold, they can be difficult to release; the stories that form around early experiences can become deeply entrenched. But there are still many ways for people to confront self-criticism and develop a strong sense of self.

Why do I hate myself?

I hate myself. What does that mean?

People who hate themselves assign disproportionate weight to their faults and overlook their strengths. This can be fueled by a time in which they developed a harmful narrative about themselves. That can be difficult to invalidate, but treating others with kindness—which will hopefully lead to treating oneself with kindness—is one place to start.

Do other people hate me as much as I hate myself?

People who struggle with self-loathing feel inadequate, but others often don’t see them the same way. It can be instructive to explain that they may not have accurate self-perception, because shortcomings are familiar to them. Recognizing that limitation can help internalize positive feedback from others and show that the discrepancy could be filled by positivity rather than negativity.

I hate my life. What should I do?

It can be painful to recognize the gap between what your life is and what you want your life to be. Self-criticism depletes the motivation to change, so begin by developing self-acceptance. Reflect on the values and traits that are important to you. Nurture those characteristics, and try to value who you are, not what you do.

How to Develop Self-Worth

Cultivating self-esteem is the antidote to self-loathing. Learning how to silence one’s inner critic can limit the negative thoughts that come to mind and the comparisons made to others.

Practicing self-compassion and learning how to forgive others and oneself for past mistakes, whether serious or trivial, are key approaches as well.

Seeking support from a loved one or mental health professional is also an important part of the process.

How do I stop hating myself?

People may condemn themselves to years of self-loathing, especially after committing a terrible act. Self-forgiveness offers a path to release that burden. This process can begin by forgiving others and progress to recognizing that you, too, are more than your behavior and that you can learn to love yourself.

How do I build self-esteem?

You need to become aware of a problem to change it, so begin by noticing critical self-talk and challenge those thoughts. Explore the narrative you have about yourself and why it might be flawed. Avoiding comparing yourself to others and practicing forgiveness can also help cultivate self-esteem.

How can I silence my inner critic?

If you’ve done everything you can to fix the mistake, but you continue to beat yourself up, try a technique called “self-distancing.” Switch your internal dialogue from first person to third person and consider how an outsider would see the situation. This can help cultivate self-compassion and silence your inner critic.

Self-Loathing, Depression, and Suicide

Everyone experiences occasional moments of frustration, shame, and regret. Self-loathing becomes a concern when feelings of inadequacy become pervasive and debilitating. This situation may be a warning sign of depression. Seeking help, whether through a crisis hotline in the short term or through therapy in the long term, can help overcome self-hatred and depression.

How does self-hatred relate to depression?

Self-loathing on its own is not a disorder, but it is one of several possible symptoms of depression. The DSM-5 articulates this symptom as “feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (which may be delusional) nearly every day (not merely self-reproach or guilt about being sick).”

I want to kill myself. What should I do?

Please know that there are people who want to help you, who will be able to understand the terrifying and painful feelings you are experiencing, and who have counseled and helped many people who feel as you do right now. For immediate help, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-TALK, or text TALK to 741741 for the Crisis Text Line. To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory. Mental health professionals can develop a personalized safety plan and help you begin to heal.

How do I talk to someone who is thinking about suicide?

Broaching the subject of suicide can feel daunting, awkward, or entirely impossible. But initiating a conversation is the best thing you can do. You may want to read about depression beforehand and come with resources such as the Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-TALK). Ask how the person feels about seeking help to understand the barriers that may stand in their way.

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What Is Self-Loathing?

Self-loathing is a feeling that resembles self-hate, as it constantly pushes the idea that you’re not good enough. As a consequence, you might feel like you don’t deserve love or that bad things happen to you for a reason.

Self-loathing manifests itself through consistent negative thoughts which are closely tied to excessive self-criticism. While self-criticism is a healthy aspect of life, it can start to overshadow other thought patterns when you're going through a self-loathing phase.

If self-loathing goes on for too long, it can lead to more severe conditions, like depression or substance abuse. Similarly, to a lesser degree, it can lead to violence toward others or feelings of inferiority.

What Is Self-Loathing Behavior?

There are many patterns that could be classified as self-loathing behavior — but they all start from excessive self-criticism. Identifying these is crucial for getting better, as it will allow you to stop these thought patterns in time the next time they come up.

Common self-loathing thought patterns include feeling that you’re a failure, that you can’t do things right, or that you’re not good enough. Similarly, you might apply the same attitude to your well-being, thinking that you’re never going to get better.

Self-loathing thoughts can also come regarding specific situations, like overeating or staying up too late. They may even appear after social interactions, like reckoning that you were too aggressive or shy. Other common recurring self-loathing behaviors include holding a grudge against yourself for a past mistake and setting unrealistic expectations.

Often, these patterns are related to unfair comparisons we make between ourselves and other people. Due to self-loathing, you might end up feeling inferior to others by ignoring their mistakes and only recognizing their virtues.

Self-Loathing Symptoms

It’s hard to pinpoint the exact symptoms of self-loathing, as it isn’t a medical condition on its own. But there are a few general signs that a person might be feeling self-loathing and self-hatred:

Depression
Social anxiety
Body image issues
Feelings of worthlessness

There are a few other signs as well — but these don’t always point to self-loathing. Rather, they are more related to an excess of self-criticism, which can eventually lead to self-hate.

Feelings of guilt whenever something goes wrong
Perfectionism
Self-harm
Eating disorders

What Causes Self-Loathing?

Self-loathing usually stems from the past, as most self-hating tendencies develop during childhood. Specifically, they're rooted in the relationship you had with your parents or caregivers.

Because these are the earliest bonds we develop in our lives, they can have a great impact on how we perceive and act in future relationships. This naturally includes our relationship with ourselves — meaning that authoritarian or abusive caregivers can lead to self-loathing.

Experts argue that parents who encourage autonomy and allow their children to make mistakes will lead to more self-confidence. On the contrary, a parent that’s overly controlling will create a lack of self-esteem that can eventually grow into self-loathing.

Particularly, research suggests that, as children, we identify with the angry caregiver instead of with ourselves. This leads to children taking on anger, fear, and other negative emotions that the parent is going through in moments of stress. As a result, we are subjected to situations that make us feel bad and inadequate.

Lastly, it’s important to take into account that children can also learn self-loathing patterns from their caregivers — even if they're not involved in the situation. This makes a child very prone to self-loathing if they notice their parents going through self-hating phases.

Self-Loathing Therapy

While you can work on self-loathing on your own, it’s always best to seek out professional help. Getting therapy will allow you to explore different coping techniques to make your self-loathing patterns go away. But there is more than one type of therapy, and choosing only one can be challenging.

For example, some people advocate for mindfulness interventions, which will teach you to be aware of your feelings from the outside. Through different techniques, the therapist will teach you how to challenge your negative views of yourself through meditation.

Others instead recommend traditional therapy, as it can teach you values like self-compassion and kindness. Plus, it will also teach you to appreciate self-criticism when it’s not excessive.

Working on Self-Loathing on Your Own

There are some general concepts that can help anyone going through a phase of self-loathing. Even if you don’t go to therapy, these key guidelines can help you stay on track — and stop the recurring, self-hating patterns.

Try to observe your thoughts from the outside. As we’ve already mentioned, mindfulness exercises can help you be aware of your thoughts in a nonjudgmental way. This will allow you to recognize and rationalize self-loathing patterns so you can stop them in time.

Change the way you talk to yourself. Often, we talk to ourselves in a negative way, pushing ideas of not being good enough or insulting ourselves. Instead, try imagining you’re speaking to an old friend that’s going through the same things as you.

Lower your expectations. A big aspect of self-loathing is that it makes you set unrealistic expectations and goals — usually due to unfair comparisons with others. By setting realistic, easily achievable goals, you’ll boost your self-esteem and reduce hate-related thoughts.

Try to accept being good enough. Society often pushes us to believe that we should be perfect — but it’s OK to be critical, angry, and wrong at times. Instead of despising these emotions, try to embrace them and accept that sometimes it’s okay to be just good enough.

Say something positive to yourself. A great way of quickly boosting your self-esteem is saying something nice to yourself on a daily basis. For example, congratulate yourself for doing the dishes, or give yourself a pat on the back for completing that tedious homework.

Recognize signs of self-hatred | PSYCHOLOGIES

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Knowing YourselfCareer and Self-RealizationMan Among People

“Self-hatred is a feeling that we rarely realize,” says Charles Roizman. - First, it is so unpleasant and destructive that we force it out. Secondly, when we encounter difficulties, we most often think that other people or adverse circumstances have caused them. We find it hard to admit that they are caused by our internal problems and what creates these problems: an unworthy image of ourselves.

Why do we talk about hatred and not about lack of self-confidence or low self-esteem? “Because it is a very specific feeling that causes a distorted idea of ourselves as a monster: we are aware of ourselves entirely as bad, inadequate, good for nothing. ”

The disgusting creature that we want to hide from others and ourselves at all costs is actually a wounded creature: in childhood, family members or others tortured us, tormented us with ridicule, incessant accusations, dismissal, rejection and ill-treatment, and all this makes us still ashamed of ourselves.

Experienced violence in the past makes us think that we are doing wrong all the time, forcing us to give up ourselves in favor of others or to submit to those who inspire fear in us. But in most cases, we do not even have a clear awareness of what we have experienced. And instead of feeling sorry for ourselves, we continue to mistreat ourselves and consider ourselves pathetic.

Am I really guilty, or do I feel guilty because I was regularly made to feel guilty?

In essence, self-hatred is love that has been disappointed and turned into its opposite. Injuries prevent us from becoming who we hope to be. And we do not forgive ourselves.

Our flawed self-image cannot but affect our lives. But if we find them, we will have a chance to get rid of them.

Charles Roizman offers three paths to healing:

“First, look at how we treat others—demandingly, critically—in order to better understand how we were treated.

Secondly, to identify our negative self-images and try to understand where they come from.

Thirdly, and most importantly, to learn to distinguish between fantasy and reality: are the reproaches that I address myself justified? Am I really guilty, or do I feel guilty because I was regularly made to feel guilty?

At some point you need to start fighting with yourself and stop condemning yourself in advance. By recognizing the signs of self-hatred in various areas of life, we can more easily accept our shortcomings as well as our strengths.”

In our relationship

Reproduction of violence, difficulty in creating intimate space.

Because we are unaware of what has been done to us, we run the risk of being inattentive in turn, blaming, repressing and humiliating partners, children, colleagues… “This violence that we reproduce limits our ability to love others as they are and to show ourselves as we really are. That is to ultimately create intimacy.”

We hide behind (too) positive self-images (nice, perfect, loyal) or too provocative ones (“I am who I am, whether you like it or not”, “I value my freedom too much to mess with anyone” "). These positions allow us to keep others at a distance, but also betray a deep-seated self-doubt.

In our achievements

Abandoned dreams, talents buried in the ground.

“Due to the fact that we do not love ourselves enough, it is difficult for us to achieve our goals: we do not take our dreams seriously, we do not dare to fulfill our desires, we simply do not give ourselves such an opportunity,” says Charles Roizman.

We are forever postponing the life we would like to lead: we feel neither worthy nor capable of happiness.

And then we either comfort ourselves or engage in self-sabotage. And at the same time, we will never realize our underestimated potential. Boredom and the feeling that we are not living our own life are sure signs of self-hatred that we do not recognize. To come to terms with our disappointments, we convince ourselves that no one ever does what they want in life.

In our work

Unfulfilled ambitions, impostor syndrome.

In the same way, self-hatred hinders professional development. If we are convinced of our insignificance, if we do not give ourselves the right to make mistakes, then any encounter with difficulties in mastering new tasks, any criticism can become unbearable. Instead of listening to our desire to develop, we pretend that we have no ambitions, that we grant this right to others. “We turn the contempt we feel for ourselves on those who succeed and whom we envy, although we cannot admit it to ourselves,” says Charles Roizman.

If, despite all this, we achieve positions of responsibility, impostor syndrome awaits us: “We do not feel capable of fulfilling the functions entrusted to us, and we are horrified at the thought that we are about to be exposed,” he explains. Self-hatred prevents us from recognizing our virtues: if we succeed, it is only because others have made a mistake about us.

In our body

Non-recognition of beauty, neglect of health

How we take care of ourselves is obviously related to how much we value ourselves. If we were once neglected, now we neglect ourselves: shapeless clothes, sloppy hair... If we cannot appear in public without elaborate makeup or elaborate attire, this also indicates a lack of self-confidence and an unwillingness to be seen in natural state.

What is not so obvious, self-hatred also manifests itself in neglect of one's health: we do not go to the dentist, gynecologist. We think that we deserve this destruction, suffering, and we do not dare to show someone the parts of our body that we were made to be ashamed of.

In our attachments

Need for 'crutches', difficulty making choices

"When we were children and we failed to obtain confirmation of our existence through approval, permission, recognition from our parents, it dealt a blow to our ability to be independent" , - explains Charles Roizman. Having matured, we do not know how to make decisions, make choices on our own. We still need to lean on someone, and if that someone is not available, then on something.

This addiction creates the basis for obsessive needs and painful attachments. It also makes us vulnerable to sexual harassment and malicious manipulation. One way or another, it testifies to our conviction that we do not deserve the right to exist on our own.

About the Expert: Charles Roizman is the founder of social psychotherapy and co-author of How to Love Yourself in Hard Times.

Text: Daria Gromova Photo Source: Getty Images

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Signs of self-hatred😡 | invme

Self-hatred is a terrible destructive feeling that ruins the lives of many people. But it can and must be fought. And you can do it yourself, using our tips. Love yourself and be happy!

Read other inspiring articles on our service. Find out how to deal with indecision , how to get rid of everything unnecessary from your head and how to let go of the past and start a new life .

Self-hatred is a terrible destructive feeling that ruins the lives of many people

Why people hate themselves childhood. Somewhere they didn’t like you, somewhere they didn’t support you, they often scolded you or, even worse, insulted you and raised your hand. It is difficult in such circumstances to grow into a cheerful person who loves himself and everything around. But if you recognize yourself in this description, remember that you are not in a hopeless situation. There is a lot of work to be done, but you can change yourself and your life and stop hating yourself and testing yourself for everything permanent feeling of guilt .

Signs of self-loathing
Imagining and not being yourself

You hide behind positive images (sweet, perfect, loyal) when you are afraid to show the real you. Because you think that then you will be of no use to anyone. This allows you to keep others at bay, but it also reveals a deep self-doubt.

Forgotten dreams and talents

Due to the fact that you do not love yourself enough, it is difficult for you to achieve your goals. You think all this is stupid, and you are simply afraid to decide to work on what you dream of. You always put off life for later, not realizing that life is only here and now. Feeling like you're not living your life is a sure sign of self-loathing that you don't acknowledge.

Impostor syndrome.

Self-hatred hinders professional development. You think you don't deserve more: a good job, a high salary, and financial independence. It seems to you that you are too stupid and not talented for all this.

Not recognizing your beauty, neglecting your health

How you take care of yourself is obviously related to how much you value yourself. Self-hatred manifests itself both in a sloppy look and in the inability to go out without complex makeup. You do not care about your health either: you do not go to the dentist, gynecologist and other doctors when you understand that you must do this.

Relationship with an unloved person

You can understand that the person with whom you are in a relationship is not suitable for you, but stay with him, because it is convenient to avoid unnecessary questions, so as not to feel empty inside and more for whatever reasons. And deep down you understand that you need to leave, but you can stay for years or even decades with someone with whom you do not experience happiness and true love.

Self-hatred holds back professional development

How to deal with self-hatred
Learn to say no

The more you hate yourself, the more you try to please others. And the more you care what other people think of you. Here is the biggest insight for you: no one cares, everyone thinks only of themselves.

Saying "no" to what you don't like is the foundation of your happy life. Say “no” to people who overstep boundaries and demand unreasonably much of your time or attention. But for this you need to have a certain level of self-respect and self-care. But this is how you choose yourself, not self-hatred.

Look hatred in the eye

Most of all people hate in themselves, as a rule, what they hide from the rest of the world. The things that you think will make people reject or hurt you, point fingers or make fun of you. And in order to understand that most often all these fears are completely unfounded, you need to acknowledge them and share them. With you and with your loved ones.

Most people hate in themselves, as a rule, what they hide from the rest of the world

Forgive yourself and other people

Forgive yourself and others for imperfection. To forgive is to admit shortcomings, but to love a person (or yourself) further. Realize that most people do bad things not because they are evil, but because they don't know what is best or mistakenly believe that there is a justification for their actions. To forgive others, it is important to be aware of your own failures and ignorance.

Allow yourself to be wrong.

True love for yourself is not something that makes you happy about your success. It's how much you forgive yourself for failures. A person who loves himself and takes care of himself is not obsessed with the need to do everything right or perfect the first time. This is the one who knows that growth and progress begins with his mistakes and failures.

Relax at last

All self-hating people have one thing in common - an excessive sense of self-importance. They either think that their life is complete crap, or they believe that everything in their life should be perfect. Neither one nor the other is true. Allow yourself to be imperfect, fool around and make mistakes. Take life a little less seriously, and pay attention to the simple everyday joys.

Opinion of a psychologist and an effective exercise aimed at self-love
Here is the opinion of a psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, candidate of medical sciences Evgeny Fomin:

Recently, I had a patient at the reception who all the time spoke about himself in a derogatory tone and called a fool. I asked who used to call him that all the time as a child, and he remembered that it was his mother. She has been gone for a long time, but he still hears in his head her condemning voice and the word "fool". He voluntarily let into his mind a tyrant and a despot, a hologram of hatred, who continued the work of his mother even after her departure, live and prosper.

How often can one hear the terrible (for a psychotherapeutic ear) words: "I hate myself, you stupid, lazy brute." A person unconsciously rejects parts of his personality. Apparently, this is an evolutionary process. In physiology, this can be compared with the process of autoimmune diseases, when the immune system begins to perceive its own tissues as foreign and damages them.

As the “enlightened ones” say, love corrects any karma. You need to accept yourself 100%, with all your pluses and minuses, strengths and weaknesses. Man, like the world around him, is dual. White-black, anima-animus, good-evil. I need to recognize and accept my “dark” sides and love myself completely, because if I don’t love myself, why should others?

Love yourself for nothing, just for what you are, the way nature created it.
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