Secure attachment in relationships

How Attachment Styles Affect Adult Relationships

love & friendship

Struggling with relationship problems? The cause may be the attachment style you developed with your primary caregiver as an infant. Here’s how to recognize insecure attachment and build stronger, healthier connections.

What is attachment?

Attachment, or the attachment bond, is the emotional connection you formed as an infant with your primary caregiver—probably your mother. According to attachment theory, pioneered by British psychiatrist John Bowlby and American psychologist Mary Ainsworth, the quality of the bonding you experienced during this first relationship often determines how well you relate to other people and respond to intimacy throughout life.

If your primary caretaker made you feel safe and understood as an infant, if they were able to respond to your cries and accurately interpret your changing physical and emotional needs, then you likely developed a successful, secure attachment. As an adult, that usually translates to being self-confident, trusting, and hopeful, with an ability to healthily manage conflict, respond to intimacy, and navigate the ups and downs of romantic relationships.

If you experienced confusing, frightening, or inconsistent emotional communication during infancy, though, if your caregiver was unable to consistently comfort you or respond to your needs, you’re more likely to have experienced an unsuccessful or insecure attachment. Infants with insecure attachment often grow into adults who have difficulty understanding their own emotions and the feelings of others, limiting their ability to build or maintain stable relationships. They may find it difficult to connect to others, shy away from intimacy, or be too clingy, fearful, or anxious in a relationship.

Of course, experiences that occur between infancy and adulthood can also impact and shape our relationships. However, the infant brain is so profoundly influenced by the attachment bond, understanding your attachment style can offer vital clues as to why you may be having problems in your adult relationships. Perhaps you behave in puzzling or self-destructive ways when you’re in a close relationship? Maybe you repeatedly make the same mistakes over and over? Or maybe you struggle to form meaningful connections in the first place?

[Read: What is Secure Attachment and Bonding?]

Whatever your specific relationship problems, it’s important to know that your brain remains capable of change throughout life. By identifying your attachment style, you can learn to challenge your insecurities, develop a more securely attached way of relating to others, and build stronger, healthier, and more fulfilling relationships.

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Attachment styles and how they shape adult relationships

Attachment styles or types are characterized by the behavior exhibited within a relationship, especially when that relationship is threatened. For example, someone with a secure attachment style may be able to share their feelings openly and seek support when faced with relationship problems. Those with insecure attachment styles, on the other hand, may tend to become needy or clingy in their closest relationships, behave in selfish or manipulative ways when feeling vulnerable, or simply shy away from intimacy altogether.

Understanding how your attachment style shapes and influences your intimate relationships can help you make sense of your own behavior, how you perceive your partner, and how you respond to intimacy. Identifying these patterns can then help you clarify what you need in a relationship and the best way to overcome problems.

While attachment styles are largely shaped by the infant-primary caregiver connection, especially during the first year, it’s important to note that the strength of attachment is not based solely on the level of parental love or the quality of care an infant receives. Rather, attachment is founded on the nonverbal emotional communication developed between caregiver and infant.

[Read: Nonverbal Communication and Body Language]

An infant communicates their feelings by sending nonverbal signals such as crying, cooing, or later pointing and smiling. In return, the caregiver reads and interprets these cues, responding to satisfy the child’s need for food, comfort, or affection. When this nonverbal communication is successful, a secure attachment develops.

The success of attachment isn’t impacted by socio-economic factors such as wealth, education, ethnicity, or culture. Neither is having an insecure attachment style as an adult reason to blame all your relationship problems onto your parent. Your personality and intervening experiences during childhood, adolescence, and adult life can also play a role in shaping your attachment style.

Types of attachment

Beyond categorizing attachment as secure or insecure, there are subsets of insecure attachment which give us four main attachment styles:

Secure attachment
Ambivalent (or anxious-preoccupied) attachment
Avoidant-dismissive attachment
Disorganized attachment

Secure attachment style: what it looks like

Empathetic and able to set appropriate boundaries, people with secure attachment tend to feel safe, stable, and more satisfied in their close relationships. While they don’t fear being on their own, they usually thrive in close, meaningful relationships.

How secure attachment style affects adult relationships

Having a secure attachment style doesn’t mean you’re perfect or you don’t experience relationship problems. But you likely feel secure enough to take responsibility for your own mistakes and failings, and are willing to seek help and support when you need it.

You appreciate your own self-worth and you’re able to be yourself in an intimate relationship. You’re comfortable expressing your feelings, hopes, and needs.
You find satisfaction in being with others, openly seek support and comfort from your partner, but don’t get overly anxious when the two of you are apart.
You’re similarly happy for your partner to rely on you for support.
You’re able to maintain your emotional balance and seek healthy ways to manage conflict in a close relationship.
When faced with disappointment, setbacks, and misfortune in your relationships as well as other parts of your life, you’re resilient enough to bounce back.

Primary caregiver relationship

As someone with a secure attachment style, it’s likely your primary caretaker was able to stay engaged with you as an infant and effectively manage their own stress as well as calm and soothe you when you were distressed. They made you feel safe and secure, communicated through emotion, and responded to your changing needs on a regular basis, enabling your nervous system to become “securely attached. ”

Of course, no parent or caregiver is perfect and no one can be fully present and attentive to an infant 24 hours a day. In fact, that’s not necessary to establish secure attachment in a child. But when your caregiver missed your nonverbal cues, it’s likely they continued trying to figure out what you needed, keeping the secure attachment process on track.

The strong foundation of a secure attachment bond enabled you as a child to be self-confident, trusting, hopeful, and comfortable in the face of conflict.

Secure or insecure?

Some people may identify with some but not all of the characteristics of secure attachment. Even if your relationships tend to be stable, it’s possible that you have specific patterns of behavior or thinking that cause conflict with your partner and need to be actively addressed. Start by seeing if you relate to any aspects of the following three insecure attachment styles.

Ambivalent or anxious-preoccupied attachment style

People with an ambivalent attachment style (also referred to as “anxious-preoccupied,” “ambivalent-anxious,” or simply “anxious attachment”) tend to be overly needy. As the labels suggest, people with this attachment style are often anxious and uncertain, lacking in self-esteem. They crave emotional intimacy but worry that others don’t want to be with them.

How ambivalent attachment style affects adult relationships

If you have an ambivalent or anxious-preoccupied attachment style, you may be embarrassed about being too clingy or your constant need for love and attention. Or you may feel worn down by fear and anxiety about whether your partner really loves you.

You want to be in a relationship and crave feelings of closeness and intimacy with a significant other, but you struggle to feel that you can trust or fully rely on your partner.
Being in an intimate relationship tends to take over your life and you become overly fixated on the other person.
You may find it difficult to observe boundaries, viewing space between you as a threat, something that can provoke panic, anger, or fear that your partner no longer wants you.
A lot of your sense of self-worth rests on how you feel you’re being treated in the relationship and you tend to overreact to any perceived threats to the relationship.
You feel anxious or jealous when away from your partner and may use guilt, controlling behavior, or other manipulative tactics to keep them close.
You need constant reassurance and lots of attention from your partner.
Others may criticize you for being too needy or clingy and you may struggle to maintain close relationships.

Primary caregiver relationship

It’s likely your parent or primary caregiver was inconsistent in their parenting style, sometimes engaged and responsive to your needs as an infant, other times unavailable or distracted. This inconsistency may have left you feeling anxious and uncertain about whether your needs in this “first” relationship would be met, and thus provide a model for your behavior in later relationships.

Avoidant-dismissive attachment style

Adults with an avoidant-dismissive insecure attachment style are the opposite of those who are ambivalent or anxious-preoccupied. Instead of craving intimacy, they’re so wary of closeness they try to avoid emotional connection with others. They’d rather not rely on others, or have others rely on them.

How avoidant attachment style affects adult relationships

As someone with an avoidant-dismissive attachment style, you tend to find it difficult to tolerate emotional intimacy. You value your independence and freedom to the point where you can feel uncomfortable with, even stifled by, intimacy and closeness in a romantic relationship.

You’re an independent person, content to care for yourself and don’t feel you need others.
The more someone tries to get close to you or the needier a partner becomes, the more you tend to withdraw.
You’re uncomfortable with your emotions and partners often accuse you of being distant and closed off, rigid and intolerant. In return, you accuse them of being too needy.
You’re prone to minimize or disregard your partner’s feelings, keep secrets from them, engage in affairs, and even end relationships in order to regain your sense of freedom.
You may prefer fleeting, casual relationships to long-term intimate ones, or you seek out partners who are equally independent, ones who’ll keep their distance emotionally.
While you may think you don’t need close relationships or intimacy, the truth is we all do. Humans are hardwired for connection and deep down, even someone with an avoidant-dismissive attachment style wants a close meaningful relationship—if only they could overcome their deep-seated fears of intimacy.

Primary caregiver relationship

An avoidant-dismissive attachment style often stems from a parent who was unavailable or rejecting during your infancy. Since your needs were never regularly or predictably met by your caregiver, you were forced to distance yourself emotionally and try to self-soothe. This built a foundation of avoiding intimacy and craving independence in later life—even when that independence and lack of intimacy causes its own distress.

Disorganized/disoriented attachment style

Disorganized/disoriented attachment, also referred to as fearful-avoidant attachment, stems from intense fear, often as a result of childhood trauma, neglect, or abuse. Adults with this style of insecure attachment tend to feel they don’t deserve love or closeness in a relationship.

How disorganized attachment style affects adult relationships

If you have a disorganized attachment style, you’ve likely never learned to self-soothe your emotions, so both relationships and the world around you can feel frightening and unsafe. If you experienced abuse as a child, you may try to replicate the same abusive patterns of behavior as an adult.

You probably find intimate relationships confusing and unsettling, often swinging between emotional extremes of love and hate for a partner.
You may be insensitive towards your partner, selfish, controlling, and untrusting, which can lead to explosive or even abusive behavior. And you can be just as hard on yourself as you are on others.
You may exhibit antisocial or negative behavior patterns, abuse alcohol or drugs, or prone to aggression or violence.
Others may despair at your refusal to take responsibility for your actions.
While you crave the security and safety of a meaningful, intimate relationship, you also feel unworthy of love and terrified of getting hurt again.
Your childhood may have been shaped by abuse, neglect, or trauma.

Primary caregiver relationship

If your primary caregiver was dealing with unresolved trauma themselves, it can lead to the intense fear associated with a disorganized/disoriented attachment style. Often the parent acted as both a source of fear and comfort for you as an infant, triggering the confusion and disorientation you feel about relationships now. In other cases, your parental figure may have ignored or overlooked your needs as an infant, or their erratic, chaotic behavior could have been frightening or traumatizing to you.

Causes of insecure attachment

There are many reasons why even a loving, conscientious parent may not be successful at creating a secure attachment bond with an infant. The causes of your insecure attachment could include:

Having a young or inexperienced mother, lacking in the necessary parenting skills.

Your caregiver experienced depression caused by isolation, lack of social support, or hormonal problems, for example, forcing them to withdraw from the caregiving role.

Your primary caregiver’s addiction to alcohol or other drugs reduced their ability to accurately interpret or respond to your physical or emotional needs.

Traumatic experiences, such as a serious illness or accident which interrupted the attachment process.

Physical neglect, such as poor nutrition, insufficient exercise, or neglect of medical issues.

Emotional neglect or abuse. For example, your caregiver paid little attention to you as a child, made scant effort to understand your feelings, or engaged in verbal abuse.

Physical or sexual abuse, whether physical injury or violation.

Separation from your primary caregiver due to illness, death, divorce, or adoption.

Inconsistency in the primary caregiver. You experienced a succession of nannies or staff at daycare centers, for example.

Frequent moves or placements. For example, you constantly changed environment due to spending your early years in orphanages or moving between foster homes.

Getting help for insecure attachment

If you recognize an insecure attachment style in either yourself or your romantic partner, it’s important to know that you don’t have to resign yourselves to enduring the same attitudes, expectations, or patterns of behavior throughout life. It is possible to change and you can develop a more secure attachment style as an adult.

Therapy can be invaluable, whether it’s working one-on-one with a therapist or with your current partner in couples counselling. A therapist experienced in attachment theory can help you make sense of your past emotional experience and become more secure, either on your own or as a couple.

[Read: Finding a Therapist to Help You Heal]

If you don’t have access to appropriate therapy, there are still plenty of things you can do on your own to build a more secure attachment style. To start, learn all you can about your insecure attachment style. The more you understand, the better you’ll be able to recognize—and correct—the reflexive attitudes and behaviors of insecure attachment that may be contributing to your relationship problems.

The following tips can also help you transition to a more secure attachment style:

1. Improve your nonverbal communication skills

One of the most important lessons gleaned from attachment theory is that adult relationships, just like the first relationship you have with your primary caregiver, depend for their success on nonverbal forms of communication.

Even though you may not be aware of it, when you interact with others, you continuously give and receive wordless signals via the gestures you make, your posture, how much eye contact you make and the like. These nonverbal cues send strong messages about what you really feel.

At any age, developing how well you read, interpret, and communicate nonverbally can help improve and deepen your relationships with other people. You can learn to improve these skills by being present in the moment, learning to manage stress, and developing your emotional awareness.

[Read: Nonverbal Communication and Body Language]

2. Boost your emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence (otherwise known as emotional quotient or EQ) is the ability to understand, use, and manage your own emotions in positive ways to empathize with your partner, communicate more effectively, and deal with conflict in a healthier way.

As well as helping to improve how well you read and use nonverbal communication, building emotional intelligence can help strengthen a romantic relationship. By understanding your emotions and how to control them, you’ll be better able to express your needs and feelings to your partner, as well as understand how your partner is really feeling, too.

[Read: Improving Emotional Intelligence (EQ)]

3. Develop relationships with people who are securely attached

Being in a relationship with another person who also has an insecure attachment style can make for a union that’s out of sync at best, rocky, confusing, or even painful at worst. While you can work through your insecurities together as a couple, if you’re single it can help to look for a partner with a secure attachment style to help shift you away from the negative patterns of thinking and behaving.

A strong, supportive relationship with someone who makes you feel loved can play an important part in building your sense of security. Estimates vary, but research suggests that 50 to 60 percent of people have a secure attachment style, so there’s a good chance of finding a romantic partner who can help you overcome your insecurities. Similarly, developing strong friendships with these individuals can also help you recognize and adopt new patterns of behavior.

[Read: Dating Tips for Finding the Right Person]

4. Resolve any childhood trauma

As discussed above, experiencing trauma as an infant or young child can interrupt the attachment and bonding process. Childhood trauma can result from anything that impacts your sense of safety, such as an unsafe or unstable home environment, separation from your primary caregiver, serious illness, neglect, or abuse. When childhood trauma is not resolved, feelings of insecurity, fear, and helplessness can continue into adulthood.

Even if your trauma happened many years ago, there are steps you can take to overcome the pain, regain your emotional balance, and learn to trust and connect in relationships again.

[Read: Emotional and Psychological Trauma]

Authors: Lawrence Robinson, Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., and Jaelline Jaffe, Ph.D.

Last updated: December 5, 2022

Secure attachment - Secure attachment style in a relationship

If you've heard about attachment styles before, you'll know they can be a big factor in relationships. Basically, your attachment style determines how you relate to your partner, which then affects how you behave in a relationship. Arguably, it can determine how healthy or unhealthy your relationships are.

Attachment styles usually link back to childhood, but the good news is that understanding your attachment style can help you to forge more satisfying relationships in the future.

There are three main attachment styles: avoidant attachment, anxious attachment and secure attachment. So, what does it mean to have a secure attachment style?

What are attachment styles?

Before we dive into what a secure attachment style is, it's time to get to grips with attachment styles generally

While your attachment style will affect your adult relationships, they are actually established in early childhood through your relationship with your primary caretakers (your parents or guardians).

"Attachment styles develop as a result of the bonds we make with our primary carers (usually our parents) when we are young babies," explains Relate counsellor Holly Roberts. "Attachments are formed with our parents because they give us support, protection and care, and we also learn how to manage our emotions based on how our parents interact with us," she adds.

So, whether you realise it or not, these early relationships then go onto shape your relationships as an adult.

What is a secure attachment style?

Having a secure attachment style is, arguably, the ideal when it comes to attachment in relationships. This means you have a strong connection with your partner, but you don't show any insecure (i.e. avoidant or anxious) behaviours, like being jealous or possessive over them. You'll be able to spend time together as well as going out without each other and having your own interests.

A secure attachment style doesn't necessarily mean that your relationship is perfect, though; it just means you'll probably be able to handle any problems in a healthier way.

"Relationships for securely attached adults will still have ups and downs," explains Holly, "but you'll be more able to withstand any difficulties that might arise. "

"You'll be more able to regulate your emotions, meaning it’s a bit easier to handle sadness and upset in a more balanced way," she adds.

Where does a secure attachment style come from?

Like with other attachment styles, a secure attachment style will have developed due to your relationship with your parents or your primary caregivers in early childhood.

MStudioImagesGetty Images

This means your parent(s) or caregiver(s) will have been present emotionally and physically throughout your childhood. "They'll have been able to tend to your needs and will have helped you to feel able to express a full range of happy and sad emotions," says Holly. "Consistency is also key; your parents will have been solid and dependable, so that you were able to feel that they were always there for you," she continues.

However, Holly says it's important to note that having a secure attachment style doesn't necessarily mean that your relationship with your parents will have been (or is going to be) perfect; it just means you'll be able to quickly bounce back from any problems.

Who should you date if you have a secure attachment style?

Figuring out your own attachment style means you'll have a better idea of who might be good (or bad) for you to date depending on their attachment style.

Klaus VedfeltGetty Images

These are the three combinations of attachment styles for a secure person, and how a relationship made up of each combo is likely to play out:

Secure + secure: The holy grail of attachment style combos, and ideally what we should all want. "With two secure attached people, you will both feel able to explore within the relationship without feeling fearful of rejection or feeling like the other person is getting too close," Holly explains. Sounds like the dream, basically.

Secure + anxious: A secure and anxious attached relationship can work well, but it might actually be better for the anxious attached person than it is for the secure person, Holly explains. "The secure attached partner will be able to provide the security and assurance the anxious attached partner needs, but they might struggle to do this on a long-term basis, and their energy may run out," says Holly. Plus, the 'neediness' of the anxious attached partner might become too much for the secure person to manage, and they might struggle with being put on a pedestal by their partner, Holly adds.

Secure + avoidant: Similarly, with an avoidant partner, a secure attached person might be able to handle the distance their partner needs at first, but they may not be able to deal with it long term.

"Over time, the distance may become too great and the gap becomes too large to bridge," says Holly. "The avoidant partner might not be able to offer the attention, affection and closeness the secure partner needs, and the relationship will run into difficulty if both partner's needs aren’t met."

Remember though that attachment styles are a rough guide and speak to how you might approach relationships, you shouldn't view them as fixed boxes and should remember that individuals are free to grow and adapt.

Westend61Getty Images

How can you work on your attachment style?

A secure attachment style is arguably the healthiest attachment style - so if you already think you have a secure attachment style then many resources or help and advice on the subject won't necessarily be aimed at you.

Still, there are ways that you can work on your attachment style, and if you think you might be an anxious or avoidant person then there are ways you can work on this too.

Holly explains that those without secure attachment styles tend to seek a partner who can meet the emotional needs that they can't meet themselves. If this is the case, then it can be helpful to work on meeting your needs yourself, so you aren't relying on a partner to meet them for you.

For example, avoidant people might need to work on learning how to let others in, while anxious people might need to work on their self-esteem or knowing that they can cope alone. And the same goes for any negative patterns you recognise in your own behaviour that you don't like; identify what they are and figure out how to interrupt them.

Relate provides relationship counselling to couples and individuals.

Emily Gulla Emily Gulla is Cosmopolitan UK’s Editorial Assistant/Junior Entertainment and Lifestyle Writer, covering celeb, TV and film for the site, magazine and video.

Megan Wallace Megan Wallace (they/them) is Cosmopolitan UK’s Sex and Relationships Editor covering sexual pleasure, sex toys, LGBTQIA+ identity, dating and romance.

How different types of attachment affect our relationships and what to do about it

April 30, 2022 Relationship

If you choose a partner from the wrong category, the union is unlikely to be strong.

We are all programmed to get attached to other people. That is why the child cries when he is separated from his mother for some time. But depending on the behavior of loved ones in our childhood, personal experience and other factors, each of us forms our own type of attachment. It affects not only our relationships, but also ourselves. nine0003

What are the types of attachments

Reliable

For people of this category, it is absolutely natural to love and care for someone. They are able to form a close bond with another person without worrying about petty misunderstandings.

"Reliable" accept partners as they are and treat them with respect. They do not play games or use manipulation, but openly talk about their successes and failures, needs and feelings. In addition, such people are attentive to the desires of a loved one and try to fulfill them. nine0003

“Reliable” people also have stable self-esteem, so they calmly perceive criticism and competently cope with conflicts. Instead of heating up the situation, they try to solve the problem, forgive a loved one or apologize.

Anxious

People with this type of attachment want closeness and are able to maintain close contact. Their main problem is elsewhere. They are afraid of being abandoned, and for the sake of maintaining relationships, they forget about their own desires and needs in order to please their partner. But as a result, they feel unhappy. nine0003

Anxious are fully occupied with relationships and are always "connected" to a partner. At the same time, they may worry that he wants intimacy to a lesser extent. This type takes everything to heart and gives a negative connotation to any comment of others in his address, expecting the worst.

To get rid of anxiety, such people begin to manipulate their partner. They deliberately move away to get attention and hear that they are needed. "Anxious" can react emotionally, do not answer calls, provoke a loved one to jealousy and threaten to break up. In addition, this type is quite jealous and tends to often call or write to a partner, even when he asks not to do so. nine0003

Avoidant

It includes two subtypes. The first - "disparaging" - is able to easily "cut off" difficult emotions. Narcissists and those who are used to suppressing their feelings fall into this category. The second - "scared" - wants close relationships, but is afraid of them and does not know how to trust.

In general, avoidant people avoid intimacy because independence is more important to them. Of course, this does not mean that they do not like close communication at all. It's just that for them there is a certain line that should not be crossed. nine0003

In relationships they are independent, rely only on themselves and do not like to talk about their feelings. Avoiders defend their freedom and try their best to delay the moment when they have to make any commitments. And when people with this type of attachment still start a relationship, they keep their distance, notice even the smallest flaws in a partner, nostalgic for a free life or dream of an ideal union.

"Avoiders" react sharply to any attempts to control them or restrict their freedom. In such situations, they begin to distance themselves again: flirt with others, make rash decisions, and also ignore a loved one, his emotions and needs. The partner may complain that they feel unwanted, and also that the "avoidant" is not open enough and does not share his secrets and experiences. nine0003

Often a person with an avoidant type of attachment considers his partner to be clingy, and against this background, he is even stronger and more independent. He doesn't worry about the end of the relationship. However, when a crack appears in a couple, the “avoiders” pretend that they do not need any connections at all and “bury” their feelings even deeper. At the same time, people with this type of attachment have the same need for intimacy as others - it is simply suppressed.

Anxiety avoidant

It is also called ambivalent or disorganized. This attachment variant combines the traits of the anxious and avoidant types, respectively, and is commonly found in survivors of abuse. Such people crave love, intimacy and care, but are afraid to enter into a relationship. They are afraid of the prospect of rejection. At the same time, they believe that they are unworthy of good things.

How Type of Attachment Affects Relationships

Even the most independent of us are surprised when we notice how dependent we become when we enter into a romantic relationship. This happens because an intimate relationship subconsciously stimulates our type of attachment and we begin to either trust a person or be wary of everything that happens. nine0003

To better understand how everything works in a couple, you can analyze the type of partner's attachment and start with his relationship to intimacy. Does he try to meet your needs or aggressively respond to your requests? Does he say that he is uncomfortable, or does he take a step forward and then distance himself? Self-confident people will not play games, show intractability, refuse to compromise.

Anxious and avoidant often form codependent relationships. Each of them does not understand their needs and the needs of the partner. That is why they are drawn to each other. Both types are rarely interested in "reliable" people, simply because healthy relationships are unfamiliar territory for them. And an alliance with someone who has similar problems confirms their fears and feeds the belief that they are not good enough for love. nine0003

Another feature of the “anxious” is that they quickly enter into a relationship, instead of pausing and analyzing how a potential partner meets their requirements. They focus on similarities with another person, idealize the chosen one and ignore possible problems. At the same time, the “anxious” forget about their needs and do not know how to properly build communication with a partner.

This is precisely the reason why the anxious type converges with the avoidant one. When the "avoiders" begin to move away, the experiences of the "anxious" intensify. They confuse their longing and anxiety with love, not realizing that in fact the problem is not in them, but in the inaccessibility of a partner. And unfortunately, whatever they do, they can't change it. "Anxious" spend more and more energy on maintaining relationships, afraid to face the truth. And the “avoiders” need someone who will look for meetings with them. It helps them meet their emotional needs. nine0003

In addition, in contrast to the reliable type, "anxious" and "avoidant" do not know how to resolve conflicts, but instead begin to defend themselves and attack the enemy. Without conflict, impulsive behavior, and “chasing” an unavailable partner, unreliable types sink into depression associated with past relationships.

How to Change Your Attachment Type

Although most of us don't change our attachment type, it can be adjusted to make us feel more comfortable. Psychotherapy or relationships with a “reliable” partner help with this. nine0003

Changing the type of attachment is also inextricably linked with overcoming codependency. This can be done in a few steps:

Get rid of the feeling of shame and work on self-esteem. This will allow you not to take everything to heart.
Start expressing your opinion more assertively.
Learn to notice, respect and express your emotional needs.
Be honest - stop playing games and manipulating others.
Practice acceptance of yourself and others. nine0064
Stop overreacting to little things. It is difficult, but possible, if you identify the main triggers and find out the mechanism for their appearance.
Take care of yourself.
Practice conflict resolution and compromise.

Anxious people need to take responsibility for themselves and learn not to rush at the initial stage of a relationship. And for the “avoidant” - take responsibility for a partner, deal with their weaknesses, learn to respect and accept their need for love, and build boundaries. nine0003

This is especially true for the "anxious" and "avoidant" who have recently come out of a codependent relationship. With this development of events, both types may think that if they open again, they will find themselves in an even more dependent position. Actually this is not true. A healthy attachment to another person, on the contrary, helps to become more independent. It provides a reliable and solid foundation for studying the world.

4 Types of attachment in relationships — Alexandra Savina on vc.

There is a theory of attachment that divides relationships between people into four types. She explains why people are jealous, constantly trying to part with partners, or, conversely, calmly resolve family conflicts. We understand why we build relationships according to the same patterns and whether these patterns can be changed.

26654 views

Adult types of attachment correspond to children's, that is, what kind of relationship model developed with parents - we transfer the same to romantic relationships at a conscious age. But it should be borne in mind that due to psychological trauma or abuse, the type of attachment may change. nine0064

Reliable

A person is able to appreciate himself and his partner, does not become dependent on other people and remains self-sufficient. Men and women with a secure type of attachment are not inclined to be jealous if there are no reasons for this, they know how to negotiate and build equal relationships.

Alarm

People who are prone to co-dependency underestimate their own importance and exalt the importance of their partner. Most often with this type of attachment, a person sacrifices himself for love. nine0003

Avoidance-rejection

The person considers himself self-sufficient and independent, but is afraid of intimacy and tries to avoid sincere relationships. With a partner, he tries to keep a distance, and in case of problems he tries to be the first to say “we are breaking up” so as not to experience pain and disappointment.

Anxious avoidant

It occurs in people who have experienced traumatic experiences: sexual abuse, mental torture, beatings. On the one hand, they want to find a loved one who can be trusted. On the other hand, they are afraid of being rejected and believe that they are not worthy of a good relationship. nine0003

Let's imagine a situation where one of the spouses is late at work and forgot to warn about it. Here's how people with different types of attachments will behave:

A person with a secure type of attachment will call to find out what happened, or continue to do their own thing and not become worried.

People with anxious attachment will call every half an hour and ask “Are you coming soon?”, “Are you with people of the opposite sex?”, “Do you love me?”. Their life stops until the partner answers or comes home. nine0003

A spouse with avoidant-rejecting attachment will silently collect things because he is offended or suspects his partner of infidelity.

Anxious-avoidant type people will pack things with thoughts: "My husband does not love me because I am not worthy of love, it is better for him to find someone else."

It may seem that a secure type of attachment is the only way to build strong and healthy relationships. But the best type of attachment is the one in which the person feels happy. There can be jealousy and distrust in a relationship, but you need to fight them when they begin to poison life.
Learn more