Sad about break up

The Painful Truth About Breakups

Breakups are painful, no matter what brings them about and whether or not you want to break up. Initiating a breakup when the other person does not want to break up can cause sadness, guilt, and worry. Being broken up with can lead to feelings of hurt and rejection. Even if the breakup is mutual, it’s still natural to struggle with difficult feelings, like anger or depression, at least for a while.

As painful as the decision can be, there are healthy ways to deal with a breakup and get over a breakup. With time, support from family and friends, reflection, and self-compassion, healing can happen.

What Can Lead to a Breakup

Breakups happen for many reasons. Some reasons are external—such as one of you moving away, going to separate colleges, or going through another lifestyle change that affects how you prioritize relationships. Other reasons are more about internal changes—maybe you feel like you’ve grown apart, or you’re growing in different directions. In some cases, relationships are unhealthy for one or both people. A relationship may come to an end naturally or may need to end to preserve one or both people’s mental health and well-being.

Communicating Deal-Breakers

Sometimes breakups happen because you and your partner (or partners) don’t share the same opinions, beliefs, or goals. That’s why it’s important to communicate your deal-breakers—the things that you won’t compromise on—early in the relationship. For example, if you want a monogamous relationship, then having a partner who wants an open or polyamorous relationship may be a deal-breaker for you.

It’s also important to understand that as we grow and evolve as people, things change: priorities, the kind of person we’re attracted to, what we want out of a relationship, and even our understanding of our own sexuality. This means that what we are willing to compromise on may change, too. For example, if a couple agrees that they do not want children and then one partner decides they do, compatibility of their unique life goals and desires may need to be revisited. If something changes for you while you’re in a relationship, it is important to be honest with yourself and, eventually, with your partner.

It’s okay if your deal-breakers are different from what your friends or family thinks is a priority. Ultimately, you get to decide what works for you in a relationship. Whatever you decide, it’s important to be clear about how you feel with a partner or potential partner.

Dealing with Infidelity

Infidelity, or cheating, can be defined differently in different relationships. Boundaries in one monogamous relationship may look different than boundaries in another, and the same is true for polyamorous or open relationships where there are more than two people involved. It’s important to communicate what you’re comfortable with and what your boundaries are. If you feel that important or well understood boundaries have been violated in a relationship, it’s okay to break up, even if your partner or others in your life don’t see infidelity the same way you do.

One important aspect of consent in a relationship is around sexual safety. If someone in a sexual relationship has sex with someone else without their partner’s knowledge, they are putting their partner at risk for a sexually transmitted infection (STI) or other complications. This is why it is a good idea to get tested for STIs if you find out your partner had sex with someone else.

What if There is No Specific Reason?

Sometimes, there may not be a specific reason to end the relationship—and that’s okay. We all change over time and sometimes something that felt comfortable at the beginning simply stops feeling that way over time. Simply wanting to leave a relationship is enough of a reason to break up. The most important part of being in a relationship is wanting to be in that relationship. If you no longer feel that way, it’s healthier to break up.

Nevertheless, it’s one thing to come to that conclusion and another to actually break up. Even when you know you want to break up with someone, it is not less sad or hurtful to actually do it. There may be things you still like or love about that person, and you may feel pain at the idea of losing out on those things after you break up with them.

Having the “breakup conversation” is another hard part about breaking up. Unless the other person feels similarly, it is likely that the person you are breaking up with will feel confused if there is no clear cause, so it is helpful to spend a little time thinking about how to describe your feelings in a way that honors you and addresses concern that the other person will likely have that they did something wrong. It’s important to be truthful with yourself while also being considerate of the other person’s feelings when delivering difficult news.

How You May Feel After a Breakup

Whether you initiated the breakup, you’ve been broken up with, or a breakup was mutual, ending a relationship can cause all kinds of emotions, including sadness, confusion, anger, and even sometimes relief. While there is no one right way to feel after a breakup, there are a few things to watch out for:

Low Self-Esteem

If you or others around you have the unhelpful habit of viewing past relationships as “failed” relationships, going through a breakup may make you question your self-worth, especially if you’ve been through multiple breakups. It is most healthy and true to see all of your relationships as part of your life experience and growth. It is very common and healthy to have more than one important relationship in life, and each one of them provides you with insight into yourself and what you want out of relationships.

If you initiated the breakup, you may feel like a bad person or that you’re incapable of having a lasting relationship. But ending a relationship does not mean the relationship failed, or that you’re a failure. If you were broken up with, you may feel unattractive or undesirable. But whether or not you’re in a relationship, or whether or not someone finds you desirable, is an unhealthy measure of your value as a person. What makes you valuable and deserving of love has nothing to do with what someone else thinks of you.

Depression

A breakup is a kind of loss, and it is not uncommon to feel “breakup depression,” or at least a deep sadness, in the aftermath. You may be grieving not just the past relationship, but the future you thought you’d have together. It’s normal to grieve the relationship and give yourself time to get past your sadness. But if symptoms of depression get worse or disrupt your everyday life, it may be time to reach out to a mental health professional who can help you process your feelings.

How to Get Over a Breakup

There is no one way to deal with a breakup, and there is no set time it takes to get over a breakup. It’s important to let yourself process the breakup on your own terms and not push yourself to get over it or move on faster.

Grieve what was lost

After a breakup you may experience some of the stages of grief. With a breakup, these could look like:

Denial: You may not want to believe that the breakup is happening, or you believe the issues you’re having aren’t serious enough to break up over.
Bargaining: As a way to control the outcome or avoid accepting the breakup, you may start to try to make promises to change yourself or believe you can “fix” the relationship.
Anger: Depending on the situation, you may be angry at yourself, your ex, or express anger more generally at the circumstances that led to your breakup.
Depression: Once the reality starts to set in, you may feel a deep, lingering sadness. You may also feel hurt and alone, which may cause you to isolate yourself from your other relationships.

The eventual goal is to move toward acceptance so that you can again focus your attention on your own life and future. That doesn’t mean you need to be happy about the breakup, but it does mean allowing the anger or sadness to pass so you can experience a new beginning and move into the next chapter of your life.

Validate your feelings

Breakups can be messy, and you may be navigating a lot of complicated and intense feelings. Some are negative, like sadness or anger. Some may be positive, such as feelings of freedom, relief, or understanding. If there are lessons to take away about yourself or the relationship more broadly, give yourself time to understand them. Try to avoid returning to feelings of guilt or self-judgment, and instead focus on applying lessons learned from the relationship and creating a life you want and appreciate.

Coming to terms with changes and “the new normal”

When you lose a partner, you may also feel like you are losing a friend. If you spent a lot of time together or lived together, it will likely take time to create new daily habits, social connections, and routines. Depending on the circumstances, you also may need space from mutual friends, activities you shared, or places that remind you of your ex. A breakup can also mean needing to find a new place to live or splitting financial responsibilities.

While it is natural to mourn what we lose in a breakup, ending a relationship often opens up new opportunities such as finding new hobbies, activities, and friendships, or reinvesting in ones that we didn’t prioritize during our relationship. A breakup, while painful, can open you up to new parts of your life that you might have never explored otherwise. Being open to new experiences and people is an important and healthy step to moving on.

Determining what you relationship with your ex should look like

Being friends with an ex is a common goal in popular movies and shows, and is even a goal we may set for ourselves before we ever experience a breakup. While it’s possible to stay friends, it takes a lot of honest communication and maturity.

In some cases, staying friends is a form of denial: it allows us to feel like we are in control of the situation and to avoid the reality of losing our partner or our lives altogether. But forcing yourself to maintain a friendship with an ex while either one of you still has complicated feelings about the breakup can prolong the pain of the breakup.

If you really do want to be friends with an ex, it’s important that both of you accept that the romantic relationship is over. And, it often requires time and space apart to transition from being romantic partners to being friends. Trying to force something different or sooner than what you are ready for can make establishing a comfortable friendship much harder in the long run.

Moving On From a Breakup

Once you have accepted a breakup, you can begin to move beyond the relationship and into the next phase of your life.

Reflect on the Relationship

All of our relationships teach us about ourselves, even the relationships that have ended. An important part of moving on from a breakup and growing into the next part of your life is reflecting on the relationship.

Either by yourself, with a trusted friend, or with help from a mental health professional, ask these questions and be honest about your answers:

How did this relationship make me feel about myself?
What can I learn from how this relationship started, and how it ended?
Is there anything from this relationship that I want to have again in my next relationship? Is there anything from this relationship that I don’t want in my next relationship?
Was this a healthy relationship, or have I romanticized it now that we’re not together?

Relationships are a two-way street. Answering these questions honestly will help you figure out what you want out of a relationship, how to find someone who best fits your needs, and how to be a supportive partner to someone else.

Maintain your new normal

Getting through a breakup and adjusting to your new normal can be difficult. It may take time to feel normal living life without this relationship, or taking time away from mutual hobbies and friends. Encourage yourself to keep investing in other parts of your life, even when it feels hard. Stick with your new habits, hobbies, and friendships.

Open yourself up to new relationships

Learning from your past relationships will prepare you for a new relationship that will better fulfill your needs and help you grow even more. Your growth will also make you a better partner in the long run. When you are ready, be open to new experiences with a new partner.

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How to Deal With Depression After a Breakup: Get the Scoop

Written by Keri Wiginton

Why Breakups Are Hard

Romantic love can be like a drug. It triggers the release of “feel good” chemicals in your brain. Losing it in a breakup can cause emotional and physical problems, like anxiety and tiredness.

Emotional stress can also send out a rush of stress hormones that make you feel like you’re having a heart attack. That’s called broken heart syndrome.

And sometimes your identity gets wrapped up in the “we” of your relationship. That means a breakup can disrupt how you think about yourself. You might feel uneasy as you adjust to your new self-concept.

Some other common symptoms after a breakup include:

Loneliness
Sadness
Irritability
A change in appetite
Sleep trouble

A breakup tends to cause more distress in certain situations. That includes:

You don’t expect it.
You are very committed.
You live together.
You feel rejected or betrayed.
You’re a teenager or young adult.

How to Tell if You’re Depressed

It’s common to feel crummy for a while after a breakup. But major depressive disorder, or clinical depression, is different than normal sadness. It’s constant, lasts at least 2 weeks, and can affect all aspects of your life. Stressful life events, like a breakup, can trigger depression. But it’s possible to have depression-like symptoms without having a mood disorder. It’s important to know what symptoms to look for.

To have clinical depression, you need to have several of the following:

Ongoing sadness or worry
An “empty” feeling
Irritability
Tiredness
General feelings of guilt or worthlessness
No hope for the future
Less interest in things you used to like
Appetite changes
Sleep problems
Trouble thinking clearly or making decisions
Slow moving or talking
Restlessness
Headache
Body pain or stomach problems
Thoughts of death or suicide

Risk Factors

Most people don’t develop depression after a breakup. But it’s more likely to happen in certain instances. That includes:

You have a history of depression. You’re more likely to have another depressive episode if you’ve had one in the past.
You misuse drugs and alcohol. A substance use disorder can mask a hidden mood disorder or make depression worse.
You have an adjustment disorder. This is a condition where you have a very strong reaction to stress or unexpected change. Your depression symptoms might take 3-6 months to go away. In some cases, it might take longer.
You lack social support. If you’re depressed, you might pull away from your friends and family. On the flip side, loneliness can worsen your sadness.
You have multiple stressors at once. Your breakup might be harder to handle if you have to move, get a different job, or have another kind of change or loss at the same time.

How to Heal

It’ll take some time, but there are steps you can take to get through your breakup. Everyone is different, so what helps someone else might not work for you. The important thing is that you take care of yourself along the way.

Here are some healthy ways to feel better:

Avoid social media. You might be tempted to check up on your ex. But these reminders might trigger bad feelings and slow down your recovery.
Avoid your ex. This isn’t always possible, especially if you have kids. But try to limit contact as much as possible right after the breakup.
Set thought boundaries. You’re more likely to get depressed if you ruminate. That’s when you think about something over and over again. You might gain some control over your obsessive thoughts if you reserve only a certain amount of time each day -- say, 30 minutes -- to process your breakup.
Meditate. Mindfulness meditation teaches you to focus on the present moment. Studies show the practice might help you worry and ruminate less.
Exercise. Physical activity a few times a week for 3-6 months might help lessen symptoms of depression in some people.
Go easy on yourself. A breakup can hurt your self-esteem. Instead of dwelling on what you did wrong, try to learn from your mistakes. That’ll help you have better relationships down the road.
Talk about how you’re doing. Don’t keep your feelings bottled up. One study showed people felt better when they met with researchers to discuss how well they were handling their breakup.
Don’t isolate yourself. Even if you don’t talk about your breakup, it’s important to connect with other people. If you can’t meet in person, text or video chat with friends or family.
Look to the future. Thoughts of your next relationship or focusing on yourselfmight help you feel hopeful going forward.

When to Get Professional Help

Check in with your primary doctor or a psychologist if your low mood is constant and doesn’t get any better after a couple of weeks. You should make an appointment earlier if you can’t do normal activities, like bathe, eat, or go to work.

Your doctor might want you to try one or both of the following:

Talk therapy. A counselor can help you process your thoughts and emotions in a healthy way. You might benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), interpersonal therapy, or problem-solving therapy.
Medication. Antidepressants work on chemicals in your brain that affect how you feel and deal with stress. You might need to try several options to find the right one. Give them at least 2-4 weeks to work. Don’t stop taking them without talking to your doctor first.
Get help right away if you think about hurting yourself. Thoughts of suicide are a serious symptom of depression. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline any time of day at 800-273-8255.

Proximity: meetings and partings | PSYCHOLOGIES

Intimacy is what we eventually seek to establish with significant people, trying to step over loneliness… But it often happens that, in striving for intimacy, we manage to miss the opportunity to meet…

Intimacy is an experience that becomes possible through direct and open exchange of emotions. Exactly the interchange: I share something very exciting for me - and I get a RESPONSE experience for all this. Intimacy is a dialogical process, it is impossible when everyone is waiting for their turn to spit out feelings, not reacting in any way to the experiences of the other or devaluing them (“Come on!”, “Don't be hysterical!”). The experience of intimacy is that I accept and sometimes even endure the partner's emotionality and feel that he / she can withstand my self-disclosure. I do not interrupt the feelings of the other, I interact with them, respond to them, I do not try to block with my “But I have ...”. nine0003

Proximity does not negate anger, anger, fear and other "bad" emotions that can be directed at a partner. The ability to endure them and keep in touch is, in my opinion, a sign of a much deeper and more sincere relationship than eternal sweet love without the slightest anger.

If I cannot express all my feelings to my partner, I am not free, and we can talk about dependence, not about intimacy. I begin to partially invent a partner for myself instead of listening to him. How else? Our psyche does not tolerate emptiness, it fills the unspoken, hidden experiences of another person with its content. Alien. In the same way, the other fills with his own conjectures the voids formed where I kept silent or lied about myself. Only if I express myself as I am now, at this moment, what I feel and what I think - only then can I hope that people will appear in my life again and again who can accept me as I am. I am. Hear my feelings and respond with my feelings... Alas, there is no guarantee - they may not hear, and not answer, or even reject. nine0003

I can remain detached, be in "safe mode". There is such a convenient position - you listen to another, analyze something there, talk about the results of the analysis, but you yourself do not get emotionally involved. You control the expression of feelings, do not let them "too" break through. It's safer this way, but it eliminates the possibility of a genuine meeting. Other people may try over and over again to take this defensive wall, their despair from powerlessness to break through to live (not rehearsed) reactions develops into anger and, as a result, into alienation ... “Tell me how you feel? I don’t understand what is happening to you, and it seems to me that you don’t care what happens to me!” The detached one is protected from all these turbulent emotions, he does not pay for intimacy, because there is none ... Keeping my inner balance, I lose people, and, after them, the balance begins to crumble. nine0003

The price of intimacy is sadness at parting. Breakups—short-term, long-term, or permanent—are inevitable because we also need the opportunity to be alone—if only to truly appreciate the closeness. The very word "proximity" already contains the concept of distance between two people. Sadness at parting always arises when we learn something valuable, very important and significant, with which (or whom) there is no desire to part. Sadness is the truest experience of value. “If you don’t know sadness, there was nothing of value in your life,” says psychotherapist, head of the Moscow Gestalt Institute Daniil Khlomov. nine0003

If we leave people without regret and sadness, what was in those relationships then, since it is so easy to give them up? Yes, there was nothing, so, foam on the surface ... Or another option: we are sad to leave, but we must "control ourselves." Don't show how much we're hurting right now. But then, it turns out, we say: "I'm trying my best to show that what was between us is not very valuable to me."

Returning home after a month of absence, I feel sad - there are many people left behind, old and new acquaintances. Someone flashed in a series of faces, leaving no trace, someone lingered in the memory and soul. I'm missing someone. I didn't manage to say goodbye to someone, and I feel incomplete. Someone did not say what he wanted to say. With someone I hope to meet again, and this makes the sadness not so strong. Sad, which means that something very valuable happened and is happening in my life. nine0003

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How to survive a breakup - advice from a psychologist

Two types of relationships
Causes of neurotic love
Five consequences of parting
How to help yourself
How to survive a breakup
Psychologist's advice

Healthy and neurotic relationships

Breaking up a relationship is always stressful and difficult to deal with. Moreover, a gap can occur both in healthy relationships and in neurotic ones. Breaking up a healthy relationship is easier. In such cases, the couple is usually in dialogue, this decision does not become a bolt from the blue. Most often, the decision to leave is made together, the partners are prepared for changes in life, everyone is confident in their abilities, expects the best from the future and is adapted to a new life. Of course, even if the decision was balanced, it takes time to emotionally, physically and from the everyday point of view to separate from the partner, to adjust to a new rhythm. And yet, in this case, all this is experienced as something that can be overcome and lived on. nine0003

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The rupture of neurotic relationships is more difficult. In this case, within the union there was no practice of confidential communication, an open dialogue, where partners frankly express their will and desires. Often partners do not even really know each other, do not seek to understand the motives and feelings of a partner. If the breakup and separation come as a surprise, it is highly likely that it was a neurotic relationship.

In this situation, the one who did not make the decision to leave is going through a difficult and traumatic experience. This can exacerbate chronic psychological trauma, which will “finish off” a person already exhausted by a break. Fortunately, this experience can become a turning point in understanding yourself and your needs, pathological attitudes and broken schemes in the field of love (and not only) relationships.

Causes of neurotic relationships

Neurotic love, like toxic relationships, originates in childhood and reflects relationships with parents. For example, if a child suffered from the coldness of his parents, it is likely that in adulthood he will look for the same partner. His ideas about love and relationships are associated with detachment, so the colder the better. nine0003

Another example: it is not uncommon for depressed parents (or one of them) to instill guilt in the child. This happens automatically and sometimes without the parents realizing that the child is constantly suffering from the fact that he cannot make mom or dad happy. Such a child will look for a partner who is difficult to please.

Neurotic relationships differ from healthy ones in that, firstly, the partner “loves” through suffering, because, unfortunately, he has no experience of relationships in which everyone is satisfied and happy. He loves those who do not value him, repels and brings pain. Such relationships are based on the fact that a person revisits the cinema of the past over and over again: despite the fact that his partner is cold, nevertheless they are together, which means that it is similar to what happened to him in childhood - in his understanding, this and there is love that he associates with any kind of suffering, just not to be abandoned. nine0003

Therefore, when such a person is abandoned by a partner in adult life, the picture of his childhood, in which he was not noticed, did not share warmth with him and did not pay due attention, comes to life. The biggest fear of his childhood came true - he was abandoned after all. The suffering that arises in response is chronic trauma. They are so painful that they do not allow you to look at this situation differently and benefit from it, for example, recognize the previous relationship as destructive, draw conclusions and still find that person who will honestly love in return. nine0003

Defense reactions of the psyche

If the separation caused the revival of old sores, the psychological defense mechanisms will be the first thing to stabilize the mental state.

Negative
“No, this will pass and we will be together again!” A person who uses denial will selflessly look for signs that he is right. For example, a woman can persuade herself that even though her partner left her, he did not leave for another, which means that he does not love anyone and will soon return back. nine0040
Displacement
An abandoned partner can tell himself: “Nothing terrible happened, it will hurt and be forgotten. ” However, this pain can drag on for several years and become chronic. Those who manage to repress unpleasant experiences may not pay attention to internal discomfort and unhappiness, as they have become accustomed to this as their usual state.
Regression
This psychological defense mechanism can induce a person to tantrums - a primitive form of removing responsibility for what is happening. Or, on the contrary, regressing, a person can literally freeze: emotions, as well as will, appetite, desire to live, disappear. A depressive period may begin. nine0040
Sublimation
Well known to those who tend to overlook unpleasant experiences. By sublimating, a person can completely go into work or any other activity that helps to forget and not think about the traumatic event.
Acute reactions, aggression towards others and self-aggression
If the tension in the psyche is great, it will look for a way out, for example, in the form of sharp reactions: aggressive attacks, a tough style of communication (for example, at work or driving), angry posts on social networks, frequent sexual contacts that carry a feeling of disappointment, leaving in alcohol and drugs. nine0040

All these mechanisms work unconsciously, that is, they manifest themselves not by the will and desire of a person, but automatically. The mind may say that drinking is bad, but the suffering can be so unbearable that any method that allows you to slightly raise the pain threshold becomes suitable.

There is another defense that is at the level of consciousness, which can be controlled and used at the right time. This is the so-called psychological compensation , which is expressed in adaptive behavior. For example, in order not to meet with the former, they block him in the phone book, social networks, and avoid meeting. There is also a reverse situation: in order to better navigate what is happening and get the most complete picture, a recent partner is placed in the field of view. Behind this, there may be a desire to clarify everything to the smallest detail and once again make sure that "this is really happening."

Whatever type of defense works, it must be remembered that this is a natural reaction to severe stress and any psychological defense performs an important function - to protect the psyche from destruction. It is important that after the defense stage, the mourning phase begins, when the fact that everything is over and you can mourn your pain is recognized - this is a natural process when working through the loss of a relationship with a loved one. nine0003

Helping Yourself

Breaking up a relationship is a big mental burden. We don’t just say “heart breaks” or “soul hurts” - the body is actually going through a serious psycho-physiological stress. The cardiovascular system, digestion, hormones, sleep and ability to rest, the natural rhythm of day and night, all come under attack.

During difficult changes in life, it is very important to remember that you are in an unusual state for yourself and, if possible, help yourself: eat fully, get enough sleep, do exercises to relieve stress, eat those foods that give strength and do not burden the body . nine0003

How to tell a healthy relationship from a toxic one: 5 red flags

It's fair to say that not all stages of stress can be done at all. Sometimes lying flat and staring at the wall is the best thing you can do to help yourself. Take care of yourself whenever possible - take time off from work and order take-out instead of cooking. Try to prepare for yourself the space and time where you can fully surrender to your experiences.

In order for the process of loss to proceed without complications and to end, it is very important to honestly go through all its stages. After the first wave of shock subsides, the stage of aggression begins, interspersed with rationalization - the desire to talk to the partner again and again and thus improve the state of affairs (the so-called bargaining stage). These steps can take varying amounts of time and, unfortunately, it is not possible to predict their duration.

One of the last stages is depression - not so acute, but a stable condition. It is easy to recognize it by a breakdown, dulled feelings and reactions, inability to enjoy, sleep and appetite disorders. Despite the difficult course, this is a very important period that prepares us for the final resolution of the situation - the stage of acceptance and the end of mourning. nine0003

Unfortunately, there are no recipes for how to shorten the most painful stage, but to ease the condition, allow yourself to do whatever you want. If you want to leave - try to do it, if you want to lock yourself in the apartment - try to take sick leave. Do not neglect the help of others, but set the limits of what is permitted: tell your family and friends how they can be useful to you and how closely you are ready to communicate now. Ask not to discuss certain topics with you, not to arrange surprises for you to “stir up” and so on. Openly tell them what you need: from domestic to emotional needs. Your sincerity will help set up communication with friends and relatives, who, unfortunately, do not always know how to behave correctly in such situations. nine0003

How to survive a breakup with a loved one

Disrupted communication is one of the main reasons that partners move away from each other and cease to adequately assess the state of affairs. To prevent this, pay attention to whether there is a reticence between you and your partner, silence of any feelings or facts, or maybe someone in your couple expects his thoughts to be read, and thus avoids responsibility ? Silence, ignorance, as well as references to social standards and generalizations ("You're a man!" or "A wife should...") destroy trust and intimacy. Features of your unique relationship can be replaced by “life principles” and public opinion about how everything “should be”, which prevents you from following a special scenario that is suitable for your couple. nine0003

How and why to restore broken relationships

Properly built communication depends not only on the degree of closeness and honesty to each other (and to oneself), but also the style of conflict resolution. Family therapy is based on this idea: starting it, partners learn safe ways to express their desires, suffering, fears, learn to enter into conflict and resolve it. The therapist, as a referee, observes the dialogue, leads both partners to ensure that they get the result and satisfaction from the interaction. nine0003

If you feel that you no longer have the strength to explain what is happening between you, take a few sessions of couples therapy . It will quickly become clear whether you need to continue working on the relationship or whether to stop it. It is important to remember that the therapist does not choose sides and will not support the game of one of the partners to the detriment of the other. The therapist acts as an interpreter between two people who, for some reason, began to speak different languages. nine0003

How to avoid a destructive scenario in the future - advice from a psychologist needed.

Neurotic or toxic relationships are different in that they are used to reduce the degree of personal neuroses and work off personal problems. If both partners coincided in neuroses, the union can be stable and strong. For example, someone for whom it is important to exercise control in relation to the closest person meets someone who gladly accepts this control due to their own childhood traumas. nine0003

Another case is when one of the partners does not need to work out the pathological scenario and still meets a less stable person and serves as a constant source of relaxation and recharging for him. Then a person who becomes a testing ground for working off a neurosis will most likely want to give up relationships that drain him.

Other roles we play in relationships can be learned from transactional analysis . The main idea of this method is that each of us in different life situations takes the position of a child, parent or adult. Knowing your patterns of behavior, you can adjust the attitudes and inadequate expectations from the relationship. This is important, since a full-fledged and multifaceted strong union is possible when two "adults" meet who know their needs, boundaries and their weaknesses. Knowing these weaknesses allows you not to provoke situations where they can manifest themselves to the detriment of the couple. nine0003

All this may seem rather complicated, but in reality, in order to have a healthy and strong relationship, it is not at all necessary to store a store of knowledge in theoretical psychology.

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