Rules to set in a relationship

11 Essential Rules for a Successful Relationship

Source: LDprod/Shutterstock

All organized sports have ground rules to point competitors in the right direction, make sure they’re doing the right things, and keep them from committing penalties. Rules make good sense in relationships and marriages, too, to keep couples from making serious, life-altering mistakes with each other.

Violate this list at your own peril:

1. Never, ever curse at each other.

Calling your partner a curse word is displays contempt for them. All your post-curse apologies cannot erase what you said from your partner’s memory — and you can guarantee your hurtful words will come up again, exactly as you said them, in another argument, sooner or later.

2. Don’t make threats, conditional or otherwise.

Saying things like, “You don’t have the guts to leave!” or “I dare you to try to get along without me!” puts the other person into a mindset where he or she suddenly has to decide if it may come down to leaving you. Conditional threats — “If you do or don’t do this, then I will do or not do that…” — are a good way to create a lot of doubt in a partner’s mind about the future of the relationship. Threats rarely lead to positive behavioral change, especially if the other person fears that he or she will hear them again later.

3. Don’t bring up partners from the past.

Nothing is more hurtful than being compared unfavorably to another “better” lover, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, from the past; it just cuts a partner to the core. “I should have stayed with...” or “I should have married...” are brutal things to hear.

4. Don’t keep score, especially for trivial things.

Saying things like, “You got me a lousy birthday gift three years ago!” is petty and not helpful when addressing current problems. Focus on the now. It’s hard for your partner to defend himself or herself for something you failed to bring up many months or years ago — and it's unfair to ask them to do so.

5. Don’t use sweeping generalizations like “You always...” or “You never...”

These types of statements are hurtful because both people know they aren’t true. Saying, “You never compliment me on what I’m wearing!” or “You never listen to me when I tell you about my problems at work” is usually not correct. Your partner has done these things, as you both well know, even if they perhaps haven't done them enough. Better to say, “It makes me feel better when you compliment me,” or “Can I get your full attention when I talk about what’s bothering me at work?”

6. Don’t argue in the bedroom.

This is an easy fix and an important one. Your bedroom should be used for sleeping, snacking, reading, TV, and sex. That’s it. It needs to remain a real place of peace. Fighting in the bedroom turns it into a place associated with conflict and fills the room with a negative energy that is hard to shake.

7. Don’t go to bed with unresolved issues.

Sleeping next to someone you are furious at is nearly impossible. Solve your issues, for as long as it takes, and declare a peace treaty at least until the next day.

8. Don’t give someone the silent treatment longer than one day.

Certain people are capable of giving a partner the silent treatment for weeks. This only creates a level of tension that makes daily living unbearable. Passing in the hallway and saying nothing for days is sad, tedious, and usually only leads to more arguments. (Related acts, like door slamming or stomping around, are equally childish.)

9. Don’t yell in front of your kids (or pets).

The noise you generate from screaming at each other terrifies young kids and/or pets. These sensitive creatures are easily scared by disruptions in their routines, especially when they don’t understand why they are happening.

10. Don’t say mean personal things.

It’s common for angry couples to try to hurt each other when arguments get out of control. One method is to pick on something the other person either can’t control (baldness, fading attractiveness), has tried hard to control (weight, fitness level), or is sensitive about (certain body parts, sexual performance). Like using curse words, these examples will be filed away and brought back up at a later time.

11. Don’t throw things when you're angry.

It’s easy to let things get completely out of hand when you or your partner start tossing things at each other in anger. Unlike in romantic comedies on the big screen, though, in real life this rarely leads to both partners suddenly laughing at each other and then falling into bed for make-up sex. Throwing anything at someone can lead to an escalation of the original fight to new, worse levels, injuries, or even criminal charges if the injuries are serious enough. Heaving your partner’s cell phone at his or her face is just a bad idea.

Bonus Ground Rule: Don’t wait to get professional therapeutic help until it’s too late.

25 Essential Rules for a Successful Relationship

Engaging yourself in a relationship is probably the most complicated yet straightforward thing if you are willing to follow some unwritten essential relationship rules.

As said, humans cannot thrive in the solitude of mind, emotions, body, and spirit. We must engage ourselves in relationships from time to time. It might be a casual relationship or a relationship that involves deep romantic love and affection for each other.

Love is the most studied, and it is still the most confusing kind of relationship ever.

However, one crucial thing that scientists have done is to provide helpful tips, guidelines, and rules of a relationship, backed by scientific studies, to improve our chances of finding true love and building strong and lasting relationships.

Below are some handy relationship guidelines and healthy relationship rules for couples to build healthy, secure, and lasting relationships.

What do you call relationship rules?

While there is no official rule book created for relationships, after you get into one, some regulations need to be there. There are some unsaid hard and fast rules that help you achieve the vision of a relationship. Most relationships fall apart when no rules and responsibilities are attached to them.

However, it’s essential to have some basic rules for a healthy and fulfilling relationship. A basic set of regulations that maintains a fruitful alliance between a couple, if followed religiously, can be stated as relationship rules.

Read more to know the ground rules for relationships and how it can help you keep a healthy relationship.

25 Essential rules for a successful relationship

Below are some of the relationship rules for couples to help you save your relationship from future issues.

1. Make the right decision

It’s easy to get attracted to someone and confuse infatuation with love. Most millennials make this mistake and often hurry to get into a relationship. The result: many misunderstandings and fights, and eventually break up.

All of these can be avoided if you are cautious while choosing your partner. Your life will take a whole new turn once you’ve expressed your love to someone and are in a relationship.

Take time while doing so. Be sure of your feelings and make the right decision.

2. Don’t mix up sex and love

Sex is a physical need, whereas love is an emotional need.

Often, when our hormones take over, we confuse sex and love. Being in a relationship states that one must not confuse love and sex.

Love is to get intimate with your partner and spend some quality time doing activities you both enjoy. When you change this with sex, you will disrespect the individual, which will sabotage your relationship with them.

So, rules never get confused with love and sex in a relationship.

3. Express the love for your partner physically

To intensify the affection and love for each other in a relationship, you have to show it physically. It might be a mere kiss, hug, and peck on the cheeks.

The expressions don’t have to be gushy and elaborate at all. Similarly, having more romantic sex is often a positive expression of love’s intensity in secure and long-term relationships.

Related Reading: 30 Romantic Ways To Express Your Love Through Words & Actions

4. Communicate with your partner effectively

Regular and effective communication is a vital component of the relationship rules that determine any relationship’s quality.

Communicate with each other effectively and grow together in love. The most effective and efficient way to communicate in a relationship is to talk face-to-face.

If your partner is not physically around, you always keep in touch with them. This might be through social media like Whatsapp, Facebook, Twitter, etc.

But we should keep in mind that calling, texting, Skyping, and the likes are sufficient, but communicating through electronic means does not provide relationship satisfaction as much as face-to-face communication.

Watch this video to understand why and how miscommunication happens and how you can avoid it:

Also Try: Quiz: What’s the Satisfaction Level in Your Relationship?

5. Do not cheat

What is most important in a set of relationship rules? It is trust!

And it is one of the unwritten and not to be broken committed relationship rules.

Although it is in the natural composition of humans to be attracted to more than one person, this does not warrant you to cheat on your partner. Even if you are bored with the relationship, spark it up or walk out of it.

It would help if you did not cheat on your partner because they are not fun to be with, or you do not enjoy their company anymore. Please tell your partner clearly that you’re not happy with how things are between you, sort it out, or walk out of the relationship.

6. Pamper each other

If you are looking for relationship rules or tips for a perfect relationship, a critical tip is never to forget to pamper each other.

You have to take care of each other if you don’t want others to care for your partner on your behalf. If you are not there for someone, there are chances someone else will be there for them.

So, either take care and pamper your partner or don’t get offended later if someone replaces you in their life. It can be through buying unexpected gifts for your partner, opening and holding the door for her, and helping them financially.

7. Try to be by their side

As per the healthy relationship guidelines and rules, any tedious job can be a fun activity with your partner.

So, whenever possible, try to be by your partner’s side while doing boring jobs. You never know when this tedious job gets converted into some naughty and exciting activity.

Related Reading: 20 Steps to Becoming a Supportive Partner

8. Be yourself

Being your honest self in the relationship can only strengthen it. Like you love your partner with all their perfections and faults, they would love you too. Do not tell them that you like everything. They like to bond with them. Be yourself, and you’ll see how you can just as quickly bond over your differences.

9. Learn to give space to each other

Even the closest of relationships need some elbow room to miss each other from time to time.

No matter how much you adore and love each other, every couple needs a little alone time.

Giving your partner less space and smothering them is just as bad as giving them too much space and coming across as distant. In order words, give your partner the space they deserve.

Related Reading: Let There Be Some Space in Your Relationship

10. Spare some time for yourself

You don’t have to give up on your’ me’ time while in a relationship.

If you don’t stay happy in your relationship, you can’t make your partner happy. So, for a happy and healthy relationship, make sure you spend some time just for yourself. Indulge yourself in whatever you like, reading, watching a TV show, or playing a game.

So, one of the rules for a healthy relationship is not to lose yourself in a relationship

11. Let your partner go out with their friends

Don’t get insecure or judgmental when your partner is socializing with their friends. Your partner doesn’t have to necessarily stick around you or include you to prove their love and affection for you.

Instead, you can show your graciousness by hosting a lunch event, a soccer date, or anything for your partner and friends. Your partner will be amazed, and you might get heavily rewarded later in the best possible way!

12. Respect each other

This is one of the rules for your boyfriend. As it’s clear that men are not good at keeping the house clean, likewise women are not good at certain things. The relationship is not about making each other perfectly, but the relationship rules state it’s about respecting each other.

Related Reading: 10 Reasons Why Respect Is Important in a Relationship

13. Discuss finances

This is one of the golden relationship rules. It is crucial to discuss the funds for a happy and long-lasting relationship.

Money is one of the significant contributors to relationship problems. Everyone has different spending habits, and while in a relationship, both the partners need to be aligned with each other’s thoughts regarding money for the smooth functioning of the family.

Related Reading: How to Handle Finances Together and Improve Relationship

14. Never shy away from positive criticism

Don’t try to sugarcoat things in a relationship. Tell them if you don’t like whatever your partner is doing in the relationship. Relationships are meant to be enjoyed, not endured.

Don’t bottle up your disgust or hate for what your partner is doing. As long as you say it constructively, it’ll help you and your partner become better people.

15. See the good in your partner

Although the previous rule for a good relationship must have been easy to digest, this critical relationship rule or tip needs to be assimilated and brought into practice.

It is certainly not an easy task to see the good in some person if you are pissed off with them. It is a daunting task to shift your attention from their drawbacks to the good in them.

But, if you are looking forward to a long-term relationship, you must focus on your partner’s attributes. Also, it is these attributes for which you must have fallen in love with them in the very first place.

16. Appreciate each other

If you successfully implement the previous one, it shouldn’t cost you much of a deal to follow this relationship ground rule.

Appreciating or complimenting each other is one of the best ways to thank a special someone for the effort they have made for you, for being there for you, and, most of all, for loving you. No matter how small it may be. It can be a form of sweet words or giving each other gifts.

Do not look for significant opportunities or wait for outstanding accomplishments by your partner to compliment them. Your appreciation showcases your fondness towards them, and it can be shown in the smallest of the small gestures, like how they make coffee for you.

17. Don’t ruminate over the past issues

Everyone has a past, and nobody has a past like a clean slate. There would be a lot of unpleasant blotches that need not be unveiled now and then.

It is good to dig up the bad past for a blissful present and a better future.

So, make sure that if your partner has trusted you with their unpleasant past issues, do not bring them to the surface and use them against them for your selfish reasons. This is a strict no! And totally against the ground rules for relationships.

18. Don’t argue in the public

Don’t try to belittle your partner in public; don’t prove them wrong in front of others. Always support your partner in public, no matter what.

Don’t try to make your partner feel bad or look bad in public.

If your partner says the earth is flat, don’t argue with him in public, but when you get home or somewhere private, you can now explain and tell them they were wrong. Respect your partner wholeheartedly.

19. Gulp your anger with a glass of water

This is one of the essential rules for a successful relationship that you must not ignore.

It is effortless to shoot unpleasantries during an argument or a fight when you are in the worst mood. It is easy to indulge in a blame game and come up with all possible trash words.

Although you might feel relieved having said so at that moment, later, this uncalculated reaction can cost you heavily in terms of your relationship. Unpleasant words can scar the recipient for life and, in extreme cases, can even lead to a break-up.

So, grab a glass of water and gulp your anger before proceeding with a conversation with your partner.

Related Reading: 5 Valuable Tips on Managing Anger in Relationships

20. Don’t shy away from saying sorry

One of the inescapable rules of being in a relationship is getting over your fallacy and accepting your own mistakes.

It’s easy to point out fingers and count your partner’s drawbacks or wrongdoings. But, you, too, are not a god or google never to err.

So, do not hesitate and say sorry whenever you feel you knowingly or inadvertently done wrong or hurt your partner. If you have issues with saying it verbally, you can leave a sorry not or bake them a ‘sorry cake.’

Related Reading: Three Powerful Words, “I Am Sorry”

21. Accept your partner’s apology too

If you feel that your partner should accept you with open arms when you say sorry, so should you!

One of the not to be missed relationship rules is not to let your ego creep in and ruin your relationship. If your partner has done something to hurt you, but they are trying to apologize to you somehow, accept it gracefully.

22. Sugarcoat your complaint with a compliment

It isn’t that the rules for a happy relationship can’t be molded.

For example, if positive criticism is not working in your favor and your partner is getting disgusted with your constant criticism, however, constructively, you do it, chuck it. Try the new relationship rules in this case.

Compliment your partner for the things they do good to pep them up, and then slide a complaint tactfully such that the message gets conveyed and they don’t get irritated with you.

23. Use a good amount of humor in the conversations

Make humor a part of your day-to-day conversations. Humor can keep your heart and your relationship with your partner healthy.

Try to use humor even in unpleasant situations because there is no better way than laughing your pains away. Humor can lighten the tense moments and help you get back to normalcy with less effort.

24. Focus on your physical intimacy

While setting ground rules in a relationship, it is imperative to focus on physical intimacy.

Sex plays a significant role in keeping the spark alive in your relationship. Physical closeness helps bring two people closer and make them more than just friends. Also, physical intimacy can help considerably in boosting your emotional intimacy. Here are a few dos and don’ts to follow for the same:

25. Be innovative in bed

Please don’t go the conventional way while making it out with your partner. Otherwise, the most exciting part of your relationship can turn into the most boring one.

This is one of the unconventional relationship rules, but try out

different poses, be creative, and talk to your partner about how they like it to retain the excitement in a relationship.

Don’t fake your orgasms

Another important relationship rule- is if you are not happy with how things proceed and end up in your bed, don’t fake your orgasm, as it is of no help in a long-term relationship.

It is always better to be vocal about how you like things to be. Just as your partner is a cornerstone of your relationship, so are you. For the relationship to not crumble, it is essential to take care of your desires and wishes.

Don’t forget to kiss and hug

Intimacy is not always about sex. Small pecks on the cheeks or lips and warm hugs can wonder for your relationship.

A warm hug can revitalize you after a hard day at work. Kisses can add the needed spice during your piquant conversations.

How do you set relationship rules?

For every relationship, boundaries are important. Every relationship is different, so there is no definite rulebook for relationships, but despite that fact, everyone should set up relationship rules initially to avoid falling apart.

You can set these boundaries or rules according to your and your partner’s comfort. Express what you feel at the beginning of the relationship.

When you feel invested enough to feel bad if this relationship falls apart, you need to sit and set some ground rules for your relationship. You can tell them about your deal breakers and ask them about theirs.

You may need to be flexible while setting up these rules, as these would be based on you and your partner’s specific needs and wants.

You can choose from the rules mentioned above or take inspiration and customize it according to your partner’s preference.

Conclusion

These are the 25 essential relationship rules that cover all the aspects of your relationship. If you follow these relationship rules religiously, you can bring back the lost charm and rejuvenate your bond.

If you think that your relationship has reached its nadir and that the relationship rules are not helping, it is better to seek professional advice.

You can look for good therapists and relationship counselors who can help you deal with your problems and revive your relationship.

9 Golden Rules for Strong Relationships

57,198

Man and Woman Relationship Crisis

Nowadays, couples have almost no external reasons to be together. Society does not require that two keep the family at all costs. Economic conditions do not force them to stick around in order to survive. Partners stay with each other not to please their parents, and not even for the sake of children, they rather like to spend time together. But what guarantees the duration of such an alliance?

“Relationships that can by no means be called healthy can last a lifetime, for example, co-dependent or based on violence, and they have their own criteria for strength,” comments Alexander Chernikov. “The condition for a long-term happy relationship is the emotional maturity of the partners, or at least movement towards it.”

An emotionally mature person is able to objectively assess the situation, act independently, while maintaining a deep connection with the other. He behaves honestly and openly, knows how to defend the boundaries and does not use the other for his own purposes. Several principles of such relations.

1. Support in a crisis

The ability to be by your side in difficult times is one of the components of a happy marriage. Moving, dismissal, the birth of a child, the death of parents, one's own illness or illnesses of children - in the life of every family there are periods of vulnerability, it is necessary that the spouse does not step aside, but lends a shoulder.

“But it happens that a partner not only leans, but “falls” on the second,” says Alexander Chernikov. - The one who felt abandoned, unloved in childhood, in a relationship often tries to compensate for this lack. Clinging to a partner and shifting his emotional difficulties onto him, he feels more stable. This puts a lot of pressure on marriage. So responsiveness is necessary, but such distortions are best avoided. ”

2. Soothe your anxiety

“To be capable of emotional regulation means to be aware that what I feel is primarily my own experiences, emotions,” explains the psychotherapist. “The partner could have provoked them to some extent, but my task is to calm down.”

This also includes the ability to withstand the anxiety of difference, which occurs when we do not agree in opinions and desires. The husband intends to go to his mother, buy a sofa or send the child to a neighboring school, but the wife does not. The discussion can turn into a scandal, mutual attacks. In a mature relationship, partners are able to bring themselves to their senses and stay in dialogue, agree, despite different points of view.

3. Distinguishing partner from ghosts of the past

If you do not trust your wife because you were betrayed in a previous relationship; if you react to your husband's remarks as if you were criticizing your mother, then you will have to do some inner work to separate one from the other.

Substitution can occur if the experience of relationships with a significant person in the past (parents, older brother or sister, teacher) has become traumatic for you. A sign of a mature relationship is the ability to distinguish the actions of a spouse from similar behavior of other people and perceive them in the context of the present moment.

4. Talk about your vulnerability

It's not about being willing to share whatever comes to mind. You can willingly talk about your successes and hide painful experiences. It takes determination to confess your fears. “You are going to another country, I am afraid that you will meet another woman there.” “Now you will definitely understand that I am incompetent.” "It hurts me when you react like that."

“It's easier for us to talk about our fears in an accusatory way,” notes Alexander Chernikov. - “Your jokes are stupid, and you yourself are a fool”, “Yes, I know you, you will go for the first skirt!” A person at this moment is not talking about himself, he is attacking: “You make me suffer!” and provokes the partner to retaliatory accusations. And the ability to talk about what hurts us evokes sympathy and a desire to meet halfway. A necessary quality in order to better understand each other, without thinking too much.

5. Recognize the merit of another

All couples quarrel. But those who are happily married, even during conflict, show that they are generally good to each other and that this outburst of anger and discontent is an accidental construction on a solid foundation of love and understanding.

“Why is this rule hard to follow? the expert thinks. - In a conflict, emotions go wild, drawing a black and white picture (“you always do it your own way”, “you don’t feel sorry for me at all!”). These "always" and "never" evoke powerful defensive behavior in the partner and the desire to strike back. Learn to maintain a voluminous, ambivalent perception of a partner in a conflict, to recognize his merits. To say: “Our relationship has a bright side, and then you did very well, but here I am very offended,” and the dialogue becomes more constructive.

6. Consider the needs of the partner

In stressful situations, each person usually comes to the fore personal needs, and the desires and interests of the partner remain behind the scenes. And at such a moment it is difficult to understand why the other suddenly shows donkey stubbornness and refuses to do what we ask. In a mature relationship, partners always try to keep each other's needs in focus.

7. Laugh without offending

The ability to see something comic in a situation, to look at oneself from the outside helps to understand that the circumstances are not so tragic (unless, of course, we are talking about everyday things).

Insults, cynical comments and hurtful humor are unacceptable, i.e. anything that looks like devaluation and humiliation

“In case of strong emotional arousal, the cerebral cortex stops working well and the “fight-run-freeze” limbic system turns on,” Alexander Chernikov explains. We start to fight or slam the door. Humor that does not offend a partner allows you to reduce the intensity of passions and communicate more calmly.

8. Set limits

In love, it is important for us to be ourselves, to be natural. But spontaneity doesn't mean you can be rude.

“I don't think that name-calling and obscene remarks dropped in passing, or shouting that someone allows himself to relieve tension, lead to strengthening the marriage,” the expert comments. “If these boundaries were not set by default, they need to be specified as soon as possible.”

This is primarily about any form of physical violence. Insults, cynical comments and offensive humor, that is, everything that looks like depreciation and humiliation, are unacceptable. Of course, these are subjective categories: someone is likely to feel offended by being pointed out wrong. But in most cases, we are quite aware of when we have offended ourselves, and when someone has violated our boundaries.

9. Understand that some of the partner's reactions are “not about me”

When we realize that a harsh statement, raised tone of a loved one does not fully apply to us, then we react not so painfully and do not turn on our own defenses.

“Think that a critical remark or a negative reaction is provoked by us by about 50%, and the other 50% are projections and transfers from relationships with other people, for example, with a boss who yelled at work in the morning,” Alexander Chernikov explains. - What to do in such situations? Repeat, as in active listening, the feelings of a partner, give them an outlet. But then ask: “What else is bothering you? Your reaction looks too strong. Perhaps you brought some other feelings here?

We can stay in touch with a loved one and really hear what they care about only when we are not overwhelmed by guilt and do not begin to defend ourselves against criticism. To do this, it is important to understand that the disappointment of a partner is connected not only with us, but also with his inaccurate perception and transfers.

Svetlana almost divorced Roman when he lost his job

Svetlana, 38: Roma held a responsible position in a large company, and when my daughter was born, we agreed: I no longer go to the office. And now my daughter is in a private school, with plans to send her abroad ... And her husband remains without work: the company has curtailed its activities. We were not ready for this! He toiled at home, I began to notice that he was drinking. The money was running out.

“Send your daughter to a regular school,” the husband suggested. In the middle of the year? I pawned a diamond ring to pay for another six months. And I decided that I myself would go to work, since he did not want to. Relations deteriorated. It's been three years since he lost his job. I said that I was filing for divorce, and went with my daughter to my mother. He came for us a week later. Freshly shaven, in a suit and a starched shirt, strong-willed and resolute - the same Roma whom I knew and loved. He said that he had found a job and that we should return, because without us his life loses all meaning. Since then, we have never had a fight.

Roman, aged 42: When the general said: “Guys, you don't have to come to the office from tomorrow”, it was a blow. I hoped to quickly find a good position, but it did not work. Sveta was annoyed that I was not helping her. Me - that she demands it. In the end, I have been working seven days a week since I was 14, so I can take a break for a year or two! The money was running out, I insisted that the spending be proportionate. I thought it was overkill to pay for an expensive private school. And you can do without beauty salons.

My wife received her first salary and said that we are changing roles and from now on I will be a householder. It was humiliating. A friend pulled me out: he took me to a psychotherapist and paid for the sessions for six months. My wife says that I drank a lot at that time. Well, it happened a couple of times, and then a friend had a son, and we hung out with him for three days. When I returned home, I found that she had packed her things and left for her mother. And the next day they called me and said: “You have been hired.”

About the expert

Alexander Chernikov - systemic family psychotherapist, member of the European Association for Psychotherapy, chairman of the expert council of the Society of Family Counselors and Psychotherapists.

Text: Alla Anufrieva, Elena Lugovtsova Photo Source: Getty Images

New on the site

Why we need drama in relationships: the main reasons and advice from a psychologist

Quiz: How well do you understand the Oscars-2023?

“My husband said the relationship was over and asked if I filed for divorce. How to stop hoping for his return?

How to turn an owl into a lark and 7 more interesting questions and answers about the science of sleep

The crisis of 25 years: what it is and how to overcome it life

“I can't defend my opinion without tears”

“My husband nearly killed me twice, but I'm afraid of getting divorced. What if he takes the child away?

10 Rules for Successful Relationships

We have prepared for you a very loose translation of a very long post by popular English-speaking blogger Mark Manson on long-term relationships and marriage.

Mark asked many people who have been married for more than 10 years and do not plan to get divorced, what is the secret of a strong family. The answers he received showed that all happy couples are happy for the same reasons.

The article will be useful to everyone who cares not only about a career, but also about a full-fledged relationship with the right person.

Reason #1.

Marry/be in a serious relationship only for the right reasons

Many who have divorced and remarried explain that first marriages ended in divorce because they were for the wrong reasons. They can be very different: pressure from relatives and friends; the feeling that it is time for you to settle down; the desire to be a beautiful couple, because you look good together; a naive thought, as if with a sweet paradise and in a hut ... All this seems logical. But it only seems, because there can be only one reason for marriage: you should just want to be close to this person - that's what people with experience say.

The only thing that really works is sincere admiration for each other. But, as is often the case, getting married so that someone makes you happy is straight forward to codependency. And this has never been good for anyone.

Reason No. 2. Don't harbor false hopes

Often, when getting married, lovers think that they will always keep their feelings sharp, and when the intensity of emotions subsides, they think that the family is falling apart. Love is a strange thing. When the head is spinning, we are ready to forgive the partner for any mistakes and turn a blind eye to shortcomings. But it will not last forever, at most - a few years. And then the puppy delight with which we look into the eyes of a loved one disappears. And as soon as the thrill of love passes, there is no need to think that love has passed and you are on the verge of divorce. You just need to learn to love a person as he is, respect him and be glad that he is around.

True love is a choice: to be with a person, despite the circumstances, despite the fact that he does not always make you happy. It's difficult, but it's also valuable.

Reason #3: Respect is the most important thing in a relationship worries. However, those who have 20, 30, 40 years of marriage behind them say that the most important thing is respect for each other.

The fact is that conflicts in couples are inevitable, and we hurt each other's feelings, no matter how much we want to avoid it. And the only thing that will help you stay together is mutual respect, the feeling that you value each other above all else, trust each other and trust that your partner will do what is best for both of you. Just do not forget that you also need to respect yourself. Both you and the other half.

Reason #4. Be frank about everything

Still, you need to talk, especially about what hurts you. If something doesn't suit you in a relationship, you should definitely say it: when we talk frankly, it creates a sense of trust, which creates intimacy. It can be painful, but you still need to do it, because no one will fix your relationship but you.

Trust is also needed in order to cope with such an unpleasant feeling as jealousy. We all need to understand that a partner may have other interests, they can communicate with other people, and it is not worth getting angry when you see that they are talking to someone else.

Reason No. 5. Healthy relationships are found in healthy individuals

In any marriage, something has to be sacrificed for the sake of another person. But the problem is that if the relationship is maintained only because someone gives up their interests for the sake of another, sooner or later it will end in a break. A relationship based on sacrifice is doomed.

Healthy, happy relationships can only be maintained by healthy, happy individuals. The key word is "personality". This means that people should have their own ideas about themselves, personal interests, their own hobbies to which they devote time.

Reason #6: Leave space for each other

One of the most important things in a relationship is not to completely merge into each other. The secret of success is different bank accounts, different credit cards, different friends and hobbies. Even holidays can be spent separately. Some of those who have given advice to newlyweds even suggest using separate bathrooms and toilets, but this is difficult to do in Russia.

It sounds strange - indeed, many are afraid to let go of their partner and give him freedom. And all because people lack trust - they are not confident in themselves and their relationships. It often seems to us that if we let a loved one go somewhere on their own, it will turn out that he no longer needs us. Unfortunately, the inability to let go of a partner means that we do not respect him. And this means that we do not respect ourselves. After all, is it really possible to seriously think that a wife or husband will be taken away from us at a corporate party?

Reason #7: Be prepared to change.

When people have been married for more than 20 years, they may find themselves much different than they were two decades ago. Be prepared for the fact that in 20 years you will wake up and find that the person who lies next to you is not at all the same as before, and here you will need to learn to love him.

Of course, this will happen if you let your other half be yourself, mind your own business and develop in your own direction - and you yourself will do it too. But when you change, do not forget to discuss what is happening to you - then you will be able to both respect and accept each other.

Reason No. 8. Learn to quarrel properly

We already know that quarrels in a couple are inevitable, but you need to sort things out correctly. There are a few rules that must not be broken. First of all, you can not criticize the personal qualities of a partner: no “you are dumb / dumb” - only “you are doing stupid things”. You should not take a defensive position in the conflict, like “I would not have done/did it if you hadn’t…”. It is forbidden to impose a feeling of guilt on a partner. And, of course, you can’t refuse if a loved one wants to speak out: running away from a quarrel with the words “that’s it, I’m not going to discuss it” is the right way to break off relations.

Reason #9. Learn the art of forgiveness

It's hard to believe, but even in the strongest families there are insoluble contradictions. There are problems about which we will never agree with each other, and the only way out in this case is to come to terms with it. And it is also a matter of respect for each other.

The fact is that if we allow each other to remain themselves, then we will inevitably have different positions on some issues. Political views, for example: yes, there are couples who broke up because of different views on Russia's position on Crimea or Syria, but honestly, how can you get divorced because the person you love votes for or against Putin? You cannot impose your opinion on another person, and if you are trying to do this, then you do not respect him.

Reason #10. Indulge in small pleasures

Going to the movies together, having lunch together during work hours, going out on the weekends might seem like little things, but they are what make you a family. If you devote all your time only to the joint arrangement of life, go to hypermarkets for shopping on weekends, and discuss bills and payments at dinner, sooner or later you will turn from spouses into neighbors.

Paying attention to the little things: holding hands at the movies, saying “I love you” to each other before bed, remembering to close the tube of toothpaste, or throwing things around if it annoys your partner – all this will help you once again emphasize that you appreciate and respect him.

Learn more